weekend at ariel's

Comatose Ariel Sharon Still In Coma

Ariel Sharon, who had a major stroke while prime minister of Israel nearly five years ago and has since been in a coma in a hospital room, was moved on Friday to his ranch in the Negev Desert, hospital officials told Israel Radio.

He will wake up in twenty years and be unsurprised how much regress has been made in the Israeli-Palestinian peace process. Or, if there will have been progress, the people will elect him to put things back where they were. But either way, it will be a madcap comedy.

By the way, has anyone gotten him a photo-op with Obama yet? [NYT]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. SorosBot

    Maybe Israel wouldn't have gotten stuck with Bibi if they had given Ari the Weekend at Bernie's / John Paul II treatment.

    1. Negropolis

      And by "brush" I'm sure you mean "Palestinian homes and homesteads."

      Yep, Bibi really makes one miss Zombie Sharon and Olmert.

  2. Not_So_Much

    At this point, they should just tell the populace that he's living on a lovely farm. Running and frolicking in the rolling green fields with other sociopathic, war-mongering ex-prime ministers just like him.

  3. elviouslyqueer

    The cost of keeping Mr. Sharon in the hospital, which is borne by the taxpayer, has been high and some commentators urged that he be moved to a long-term care facility or home.

    So no Israeli death panels, amirite? Oh, wait…

          1. mavenmaven

            I'm intelligent and Arabic-speaking enough to know that Arabs don't like being called "brown". Try to refrain from making racist comments. The middle east situation is horrible on many grounds, but race isn't one of them.

          2. Negropolis

            Oh, STFU. You're on Wonkette. I'm brown; black, specifically. Brown is an issue as big as any other in this Mideast conflict, and you'd be disingenuous to deny that fact.

  4. DustBowlBlues

    The surest way to snap him back to life would be to bring the Israel/Palestinian peace talks to the brink of success. Then he'll wake up, put on his uniform and go marching through the Palestinian district and get them all riled up, sinking any hope for peace.

    Like he did when Clinton was president.

  5. GOPCrusher

    Sarah Palin has scheduled a meeting with Sharon. Probably be as intellectually stimulating as her meeting with Maggie Thatcher.

  6. transfatz

    In a perfect world he would be lucid dreaming of Sabra and Shatila from the Palestinian perspective.

  7. Rarian Rakista

    He also has not lost any weight, I wish you could rent him out for parties, it would be awesome to use his belly button for a queso dip bowl and to give him a bacon mustache. I wonder if that would wake him up, because bacon works for me.

    Its also one of the main ingredients I use for my get the fuck out of my apartment omelettes.

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