ghostriding the ant

Foreign Leaders No Longer Excited By Poor Old Obama

Presented by Kodak and C-3PO.
At one point, foreign leaders all wanted a piece of Obama so they would be able to tell their countrymen, “I know The Black Guy!” But as you can see from this sad photo of the G20 leaders gathering for a photo at the summit’s replica Honey, I Shrunk the Kids attraction, nobody cares about him anymore. “When I first came into office people might have been interested in more photo-ops because there had been a lot of hoopla surrounding my election,” Obama said. “And now they just completely ignore me and tell people behind my back that I have cooties,” he didn’t say.

The question of whether Mr. Obama had lost his diplomatic touch was a running thread through the news conference. When a reporter asked what kind of complaints he was hearing from fellow leaders about the United States, Mr. Obama laughed it off, asking, “What about compliments?” He said other world leaders are pushing back against the United States because “we’re initiating ideas.” As to whether the mid-term elections at home have weakened him overseas, he served up a one-word answer: No.

All right, Mr. DeMille, he’s ready for his close-up.

He ticked off those on the “genuine friendship” list: Prime Minister Manmohan Singh of India, Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany; Prime Minister Tayip Erdogan of Turkey and President Lee Myung-Bak of South Korea. Then, perhaps reluctant to offend the leader of a rival country, Mr. Obama threw out another name: President Hu Jintao of China, whose clashes with the president over currency policy have drawn headlines here.

He is down to obsessively keeping a list of his current friends in his diary. Ouch. And those fake-sounding people named “Tayip” and “Manmohan”? Yeah, totally made up. Those are imaginary friends.

Well, time to get invadin’ some countries. That always makes foreigners respect our president, right? [NYT]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. SecretMuslin

    You know what makes foreign leaders love you? Predator Drones! The answer to increasing his popularity overseas is to use more Predator Drones. Haphazardly, anywhere he likes.

    1. Kidneys4Sale

      I know this is likely a re-tread, but has it struck you that those drones could be easily painted in a 'huge hairy-based cock' motif? I think that would help a lot.

    1. Serolf_Divad

      When I've been dating a girl for a while and want to see whether she's ready to take our relationship to the next level and really get serious (and by that, of course, I mean do anal) I ask her: Suzie, do you just want to be my friend, or do you want to be my best friend?

  2. StillGoinGreen

    I think the number one question being asked is, "Do you think he carries his Republican shoe-shine kit with him when he travels, or does he leave it with Axelrod to make sure it is restocked?"

    1. Ruhe

      I'm pretty sure Rahm Emanuel's last words of advice to the President before he left help Chicago secede were something like "you know how I told you that you weren't here to shine shoes but to get your shoes shined. Reverse that. I'm out."

      1. StillGoinGreen

        I always thought it was more like, "Fuck this motherfucking pussy compromise fucking bullshit, I am going back home to kick some fucking ass – Shalom, bitch."

  3. SorosBot

    Couldn't a bunch of world leaders found a better source for their stage decoration than a first-grade play?

    1. SorosBot

      Considering what happened when Bush tried to get Merkel excited, I don't think Obama trying that would be a good idea.

      1. natoslug

        I've seen Blazing Saddles, so I know for a fact that Merkel would love a good rub from Obama.

        "It's twue! It's twue!"

          1. natoslug

            Okay, the BS reference sort of breaks down, much like an Andrew Klavan column, at this point since Germany's doing a bit better than we are economically. DONT MAEK ME THINK! Clearly, you are unAmerican with your application of logic and such. Terrorist.

          2. SorosBot

            Germany's in a win-win situation, because they're doing comparatively well economically using their control of EU fiscal policy, which at the same time prevents most of the other Euro countries from being able to improve at all. They can do with economically what the previously failed to militarily.

  4. slappypaddy

    genuine friendship? give me a fucking break. this is global realpolitik we're talking about here. you want genuine friendship, good the fuck luck, it doesn't happen past the undergraduate years.

    1. Rarian Rakista

      It can happen, but only between two who get married or people who work in the same academic department for the next 20 years sticking with people from TA to adjunct to tenure.

  5. MinAgain

    It's not really his fault. America has contracted the international equivalent of mono, so no one wants to kiss her anymore.

  6. elviouslyqueer

    Well, time to get invadin’ some countries!

    Absolutely, only this time, no countries that are ugly, dry, desolate, or have a bunch of testy insurgents. Maybe Bermuda?

    1. SmutBoffin

      The real answer for Obama is experialism. Give Alaska over to Russia and Arizona back to Mexico.

      That should get rid of lots of idiots.

    2. Chet Kincaid

      Bermuda has no sexytime party medical schools. Perhaps Anguilla? Hit that fine island from behind Reagan-style!

    3. transfatz

      That would discourage the bankers from moving there. It would either be fin. reg. or just plain fin.

  7. V572625694

    It's over. He might as well persuade Biden to "spend more time with his family*," appoint Böhner veep as a gesture towards the much-desired bi [heh-heh] -partisanship, and then resign himself. That's what they wanted Truman to do in 1948.
    *And who among us wouldn't like to spend some time w/Jill?

    1. user-of-owls

      When Obama failed to pull the "Talk to the hand" bit while in India, the Prime Minister told him, "Man! Mo Han!"

  8. SudsMcKenzie

    … And at starting point guard for North America, .. out of Occidental College, … Number #44,… Barack Hussssseeeeiin Obaaaammma !!!1

  9. fuflans

    that's right world! o'bama's done! hope you'll be welcoming his repub replacement!

    i'm looking at you europe.

  10. CapnFatback

    "Of course we're still pals. We joke all the time. You know what we say the 'G' in G20 stands for? 'Genuine friend.' Besides, Merkel and Singh are totally gonna take me out snipe hunting later."

  11. DashboardBuddha

    Obama won't be respected on the world stage until he pukes in someone's lap or mauls their shoulders.

  12. Fare la Volpe

    If he keeps a journal of his BFFs, I can only imagine what his Burn Book looks like.

    "David Cameron: MADE OUT WITH A HOT DOG"

  13. donner_froh

    The reason that Tayip Erdogan and Lee Myung-Bak are Obama's close personal friends is that he is the only world leader who bothered to learned to pronounce their names correctly.

  14. Guppy06

    How does it feel to be "genuine friends" with a German prime minister your predecessor got to second base with?

    Of course, this is probably a step up from having a president who's "genuine friends" with Abdullah and Vlad.

  15. StillGoinGreen

    Dontchu worry bout Texas, Govenah Big Hair gonna take good care of us and turn us back into the thriving country we once were – before Govenah Big Hair wasted all our surplus oil money. By giving it to oil money.

    1. WunkRocker

      Alaska, since SnowCuntyForNoSense can see Putie from her meth lab I say give 'em up. If nothing else so she has to change the title of her show to "Dmitry Medvedev's Alaska."
      Fuck Texas. Step one. All that nukular shit that was destined for Harry Reid Mtn, ship it TX. Then give it to the leading Mexican drug cartel.
      Step two, hyjinx ensue!

      1. Ducksworthy

        Just spread it around, crop dust it onto Tejas. The drinking water is already radioactive but the Dept of Enviro Quality says that's makes it more sparkly.

  16. DahBoner

    If only Obama could wear a non-kosher, non-halal meat dress made up of Good Ole Fashion American Bacon!

    Better yet, Chocolate covered Bacon!

    Soon, World Leaders won't be able to get enough of him!

  17. user-of-owls

    Moral of the story:

    Foreign policy tips offered by a guy with a leaf blower strapped to his back should be regarded with caution.

  18. Chet Kincaid

    Ah, remember the days when Barry would ogle the pert, plum duffs of mulatto babes while Sarkozy grinned like a satyr? Now Barry walks alone and downcast behind a lady in mourning black with witchy-ditchy dingdong heels*. I miss 2009.

    *I'm stealing from you, Lisa Buscani.

  19. chicken_thief

    Howz come none of them Euro fags got the sweet ass on that chaquita walking ahead of Obummer locked in their sites like he has? Who knows, maybe the bitch is a pitching wedge – looks good from 100 yards away, but they could at least pretend to be hetros and LOOK.

  20. elviouslyqueer

    Also, Jack. Were you aware that the New York Times linky has a picture of shirtless Joe Biden? MUST UNSEE.

  21. carlgt1

    I'm disappointed the photo-op background is a print of the default desktop of a Chinese-bootlegged copy of Windows XP? Is that some protest against the Chinese currency issue?

  22. uncuntstitutional

    When the worlds' leaders loved him, it was bad.

    When the worlds' leaders treat him like they treated every other American president, also bad.

    And a note to the NYT "reporter" that wrote the article – what page of the AP style book discusses guidelines on describing degrees of "presidential glow?"

    fucking hack

  23. DemonicRage

    You know what? He still got out of the country for everyone here to have forgotten the election that went so bad for the Democrats. By the time he gets back, we'll all be on a new news cycle (is Lindsey Lohan incarcerated again? Everyone, quick, obsess about that again! That's how we do things here. Very short attention spans.

  24. aious

    When Bush was in office and he got the worst overseas ratings of any President that we ever had, we were told that it doesn't matter what others think…..STOP caring more about them than us!

    Uh…now? Obama is making us look bad! We need to care about them!

  25. Not_So_Much

    So, if I'm reading your thoughtful analysis correctly, this would have gone better had he busted out the Mom Jeans, right?

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