ghostriding the ant

Foreign Leaders No Longer Excited By Poor Old Obama

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At one point, foreign leaders all wanted a piece of Obama so they would be able to tell their countrymen, “I know The Black Guy!” But as you can see from this sad photo of the G20 leaders gathering for a photo at the summit’s replica Honey, I Shrunk the Kids attraction, nobody cares about him anymore. “When I first came into office people might have been interested in more photo-ops because there had been a lot of hoopla surrounding my election,” Obama said. “And now they just completely ignore me and tell people behind my back that I have cooties,” he didn’t say.

The question of whether Mr. Obama had lost his diplomatic touch was a running thread through the news conference. When a reporter asked what kind of complaints he was hearing from fellow leaders about the United States, Mr. Obama laughed it off, asking, “What about compliments?” He said other world leaders are pushing back against the United States because “we’re initiating ideas.” As to whether the mid-term elections at home have weakened him overseas, he served up a one-word answer: No.

All right, Mr. DeMille, he’s ready for his close-up.

He ticked off those on the “genuine friendship” list: Prime Minister Manmohan Singh of India, Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany; Prime Minister Tayip Erdogan of Turkey and President Lee Myung-Bak of South Korea. Then, perhaps reluctant to offend the leader of a rival country, Mr. Obama threw out another name: President Hu Jintao of China, whose clashes with the president over currency policy have drawn headlines here.

He is down to obsessively keeping a list of his current friends in his diary. Ouch. And those fake-sounding people named “Tayip” and “Manmohan”? Yeah, totally made up. Those are imaginary friends.

Well, time to get invadin’ some countries. That always makes foreigners respect our president, right? [NYT]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Comments

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  • SecretMuslin

    You know what makes foreign leaders love you? Predator Drones! The answer to increasing his popularity overseas is to use more Predator Drones. Haphazardly, anywhere he likes.

    • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

      Maybe if they dropped candy and hits of MDMA instead of y'know High Explosives and Thermobaric bombs.

    • Kidneys4Sale

      I know this is likely a re-tread, but has it struck you that those drones could be easily painted in a 'huge hairy-based cock' motif? I think that would help a lot.

    • Negropolis

      Needs more cowbell.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    "genuine friendship" = gives them the anal

    • Serolf_Divad

      When I've been dating a girl for a while and want to see whether she's ready to take our relationship to the next level and really get serious (and by that, of course, I mean do anal) I ask her: Suzie, do you just want to be my friend, or do you want to be my best friend?

  • Failed_2_Menace

    He has initiated a quantitative easing of his personal currency in the international marketplace.

    • Sgt_Biyatch

      Which will lead to worldwide penis deflation.

  • StillGoinGreen

    I think the number one question being asked is, "Do you think he carries his Republican shoe-shine kit with him when he travels, or does he leave it with Axelrod to make sure it is restocked?"

    • Ruhe

      I'm pretty sure Rahm Emanuel's last words of advice to the President before he left help Chicago secede were something like "you know how I told you that you weren't here to shine shoes but to get your shoes shined. Reverse that. I'm out."

      • StillGoinGreen

        I always thought it was more like, "Fuck this motherfucking pussy compromise fucking bullshit, I am going back home to kick some fucking ass – Shalom, bitch."

        • Chet Kincaid

          No, Rahm is the motherfucking compromising pussy.

          • OneDollarJuana

            Motherfucking is the ultimate compromise.

  • SorosBot

    Couldn't a bunch of world leaders found a better source for their stage decoration than a first-grade play?

    • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

      Equus? Merkle can be the old shrink, Obama the boy and everyone else gets to be a horse.

      • slappypaddy

        or a horse's ass.

        hey, it's a job.

  • Pragmatist2

    I bet Palin can get them excited.

    • SorosBot

      Considering what happened when Bush tried to get Merkel excited, I don't think Obama trying that would be a good idea.

      • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

        Maybe Bush heard there was nothing like riding a German war machine around Europe.

      • natoslug

        I've seen Blazing Saddles, so I know for a fact that Merkel would love a good rub from Obama.

        "It's twue! It's twue!"

        • Ruhe

          So she wants him to ejaculate a new economic system onto her?

          • natoslug

            Okay, the BS reference sort of breaks down, much like an Andrew Klavan column, at this point since Germany's doing a bit better than we are economically. DONT MAEK ME THINK! Clearly, you are unAmerican with your application of logic and such. Terrorist.

          • SorosBot

            Germany's in a win-win situation, because they're doing comparatively well economically using their control of EU fiscal policy, which at the same time prevents most of the other Euro countries from being able to improve at all. They can do with economically what the previously failed to militarily.

          • http://s227.photobucket.com/albums/dd271/lascauxcaveman/?action=view&current=KZ1100shafty.jpg Lascauxcaveman

            So messy!

          • natoslug

            Yes, get the vintage motorcycle. When I turn 50, I hope to get a vintage hooker.

        • GOPCrusher

          Angela Merkel-The Teutonic Titwillow.

  • slappypaddy

    genuine friendship? give me a fucking break. this is global realpolitik we're talking about here. you want genuine friendship, good the fuck luck, it doesn't happen past the undergraduate years.

    • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

      It can happen, but only between two who get married or people who work in the same academic department for the next 20 years sticking with people from TA to adjunct to tenure.

  • Ruhe

    He keeps pokin' but never gets poked back.

  • MinAgain

    It's not really his fault. America has contracted the international equivalent of mono, so no one wants to kiss her anymore.

  • SmutBoffin

    I HEARD OBAMAR BOWED DOWN B4 THE QUEEN OF THE ANTS NOT MAH PRESIDANT!!!

  • elviouslyqueer

    Well, time to get invadin’ some countries!

    Absolutely, only this time, no countries that are ugly, dry, desolate, or have a bunch of testy insurgents. Maybe Bermuda?

    • SmutBoffin

      The real answer for Obama is experialism. Give Alaska over to Russia and Arizona back to Mexico.

      That should get rid of lots of idiots.

      • elviouslyqueer

        I like it! How about giving Florida back to Cuba? Marco Rubio would love the SHIT out of that.

        • V572625694

          Technically we'd have to give it back to Spain, from whom we stole it, which would be even cooler.

        • HistoriCat

          Diaz-Balart is already running for President of Cuba so that idea sounds like a total win.

    • SorosBot

      He could give the troops a nice vacation and make a play for the Reagan nostalgia crowd with Grenada.

      • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

        We should invade that country again so I can remember exactly where it is.

      • transfatz

        My wife says we bombed the lunatic asylum there real good.

    • Chet Kincaid

      Bermuda has no sexytime party medical schools. Perhaps Anguilla? Hit that fine island from behind Reagan-style!

    • transfatz

      That would discourage the bankers from moving there. It would either be fin. reg. or just plain fin.

  • V572625694

    It's over. He might as well persuade Biden to "spend more time with his family*," appoint Böhner veep as a gesture towards the much-desired bi [heh-heh] -partisanship, and then resign himself. That's what they wanted Truman to do in 1948.
    ———————-
    *And who among us wouldn't like to spend some time w/Jill?

  • http://wonkette.com Clancy_Pants

    Well… Lee Myung-Bak got my back.

    • user-of-owls

      When Obama failed to pull the "Talk to the hand" bit while in India, the Prime Minister told him, "Man! Mo Han!"

  • SudsMcKenzie

    … And at starting point guard for North America, .. out of Occidental College, … Number #44,… Barack Hussssseeeeiin Obaaaammma !!!1

  • SayItWithWookies

    Too bad he's not a Republican — when everybody hates one of them, it's called leadership.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

      Plus you get to give out backrubs that resemble rape.

    • GOPCrusher

      American Exceptionalism!

  • fuflans

    that's right world! o'bama's done! hope you'll be welcoming his repub replacement!

    i'm looking at you europe.

  • CapnFatback

    "Of course we're still pals. We joke all the time. You know what we say the 'G' in G20 stands for? 'Genuine friend.' Besides, Merkel and Singh are totally gonna take me out snipe hunting later."

  • DashboardBuddha

    Obama won't be respected on the world stage until he pukes in someone's lap or mauls their shoulders.

  • Fare la Volpe

    If he keeps a journal of his BFFs, I can only imagine what his Burn Book looks like.

    "David Cameron: MADE OUT WITH A HOT DOG"

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    The reason that Tayip Erdogan and Lee Myung-Bak are Obama's close personal friends is that he is the only world leader who bothered to learned to pronounce their names correctly.

  • Guppy06

    How does it feel to be "genuine friends" with a German prime minister your predecessor got to second base with?

    Of course, this is probably a step up from having a president who's "genuine friends" with Abdullah and Vlad.

  • http://s227.photobucket.com/albums/dd271/lascauxcaveman/?action=view&current=KZ1100shafty.jpg Lascauxcaveman

    What about his girlfriend in Canada? (You wouldn't know her.)

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    There was copious bleeding, but I fear it may have been rectal. I gotta check…

  • StillGoinGreen

    Dontchu worry bout Texas, Govenah Big Hair gonna take good care of us and turn us back into the thriving country we once were – before Govenah Big Hair wasted all our surplus oil money. By giving it to oil money.

    • WunkRocker

      Alaska, since SnowCuntyForNoSense can see Putie from her meth lab I say give 'em up. If nothing else so she has to change the title of her show to "Dmitry Medvedev's Alaska."
      Fuck Texas. Step one. All that nukular shit that was destined for Harry Reid Mtn, ship it TX. Then give it to the leading Mexican drug cartel.
      Step two, hyjinx ensue!

      • Ducksworthy

        Just spread it around, crop dust it onto Tejas. The drinking water is already radioactive but the Dept of Enviro Quality says that's makes it more sparkly.

  • DahBoner

    If only Obama could wear a non-kosher, non-halal meat dress made up of Good Ole Fashion American Bacon!

    Better yet, Chocolate covered Bacon!

    Soon, World Leaders won't be able to get enough of him!

  • bringmeanaxe

    Face it, Milhouse, we're living in the age of cooties – Bart Simpson

  • SmutBoffin

    Nah. Nuke that shit from orbit.

    It's the only way to be sure.

  • http://grandpaboy.blogspot.com/ seppdecker

    Six legs bad?

  • user-of-owls

    Moral of the story:

    Foreign policy tips offered by a guy with a leaf blower strapped to his back should be regarded with caution.

  • Chet Kincaid

    Ah, remember the days when Barry would ogle the pert, plum duffs of mulatto babes while Sarkozy grinned like a satyr? Now Barry walks alone and downcast behind a lady in mourning black with witchy-ditchy dingdong heels*. I miss 2009.

    *I'm stealing from you, Lisa Buscani.

  • user-of-owls

    Oh christ, another creepy sequel:

    World Leaders of the Corn

  • chicken_thief

    Howz come none of them Euro fags got the sweet ass on that chaquita walking ahead of Obummer locked in their sites like he has? Who knows, maybe the bitch is a pitching wedge – looks good from 100 yards away, but they could at least pretend to be hetros and LOOK.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Also, Jack. Were you aware that the New York Times linky has a picture of shirtless Joe Biden? MUST UNSEE.

  • hagajim

    FOREIGN LEADERS ALL HAVE BONERS FOR BOEHNER – That's what the headline should be.

  • carlgt1

    I'm disappointed the photo-op background is a print of the default desktop of a Chinese-bootlegged copy of Windows XP? Is that some protest against the Chinese currency issue?

  • GOPCrusher

    OK! Which one of you fuckers stuck this "Kick Me!" sign on my back!

  • uncuntstitutional

    When the worlds' leaders loved him, it was bad.

    When the worlds' leaders treat him like they treated every other American president, also bad.

    And a note to the NYT "reporter" that wrote the article – what page of the AP style book discusses guidelines on describing degrees of "presidential glow?"

    fucking hack

  • DemonicRage

    You know what? He still got out of the country for everyone here to have forgotten the election that went so bad for the Democrats. By the time he gets back, we'll all be on a new news cycle (is Lindsey Lohan incarcerated again? Everyone, quick, obsess about that again! That's how we do things here. Very short attention spans.

  • transfatz

    Sarkozy calls dibs on the top step.

  • Slim_Pickins

    Nuke 'em. Nuke 'em all. That's what Presnint Cheney would have done.

  • aious

    When Bush was in office and he got the worst overseas ratings of any President that we ever had, we were told that it doesn't matter what others think…..STOP caring more about them than us!

    Uh…now? Obama is making us look bad! We need to care about them!

  • sezme

    Heh heh … PENIS!

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Boy I was worried for a second, but you really pulled it out there at the end.

  • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

    Academic papers need more random PENIS!!!!

  • Not_So_Much

    So, if I'm reading your thoughtful analysis correctly, this would have gone better had he busted out the Mom Jeans, right?

  • user-of-owls

    Penis? And here all this time I thought the style manual called for "Boobies!"

  • StillGoinGreen

    Heh heh … pulled it out!

  • http://s227.photobucket.com/albums/dd271/lascauxcaveman/?action=view&current=KZ1100shafty.jpg Lascauxcaveman

    Actually, I was pretty confused until he got the end. Then I understood perfectly.