AND BABAR IS ABOUT ELEPHANTS! SO!  11:56 pm November 11, 2010

And Finally, the Best Midterm Election Analysis: It Was ‘Toy Story 3′

by Jack Stuef

With Republicans in power, the government can rule who lives and dies based on how old they are. Hooray! Wait.Andrew Klavan is a screenwriter of crappy crime movies and no longer has a job writing for Pajamas Media, so obviously his editorials are taken VERY SERIOUSLY by the LA Times. So when this man says the complex, nationwide, real-life event known as the 2010 midterm elections are merely an allegory of Toy Story 3, this is something that is printed in an actual newspaper. Good work, America! You perfectly recreated the plot of an animated children’s movie. And NO, we do not have that allegory the other way around — the election came after that movie, and just like the movie, it was a repudiation of communism. You remember all the communism in that cartoon, right?

What’s more, Lots-o’-Huggin’ Bear promises the toys that they are entering a better societal model than the old-fashioned family, one that is free, especially, from the grief of ownership. “No owners means no heartbreak,” the bear says. “At Sunnyside, we own ourselves.” Maybe he should’ve thrown in something about redistributing wealth and taking over the means of production, but it’s a kid’s movie, so never mind.

The “ownership” in question was actually what these toys (God, why are we even devoting brain cells to this?) experienced before. They previously lived under a dictatorship. A rather benevolent dictatorship, sure, but they were forced to do whatever their child wanted. (Really, why? Why are we doing this?) The daycare facility at first seemed like a democratic utopia, but it turned out to be an oppressive authoritarian regime supported by a small elite class of officials. (SO DUMB.) In fact, if you really want to delve into the political philosophy, this situation…No, we can’t keep doing this.

Anyway, this movie was also great because it teaches children that “sissified men” are not to be trusted and are trying to destroy our democracy! Sure! Fags ruin everything, kids! That’s a lesson!

And we know America loved this anti-Obama, anti-gay movie because it did so well at the box office. Unlike every single one of Andrew Klavan’s movies. [LA Times via The Corner]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 93 comments }

Barrelhse November 12, 2010 at 12:00 am

Christ, Jack, go to bed.

iburl November 12, 2010 at 12:12 am

I 'member the midterms in '82 were EXACTLY like "The Secret of NIMH". Nicodemus represented détente.

DoktorZoom November 12, 2010 at 12:23 am

I once had impure thoughts about Mrs. Brisby. Don't tell anyone.

dogscantlookup November 12, 2010 at 2:54 am

Take what you can when you can…

Naked_Bunny November 12, 2010 at 7:00 am

I just had one now. Thanks for reminding me. Mmmm. Missus B…..

DataSnake November 12, 2010 at 8:04 am

Mice with fully functional human brains? Somebody call the masturbation witch!

LionelHutzEsq November 12, 2010 at 1:37 pm

And they were produced by the Federal Government (National Institute for Mental Health).

So, Christine was right all along. Does this mean that Obama is really a Kenyan Muslim?

bumfug November 12, 2010 at 12:12 am

Yeah, I need to listen to a guy who can make a movie starring Clint Eastwood that absolutely nobody wanted to see.

Jack Stuef November 12, 2010 at 12:16 am

I'm getting really good at this blogging thing.

LionelHutzEsq November 12, 2010 at 12:36 am

Thank God. I thought I was having a stroke.

Rarian Rakista November 12, 2010 at 2:16 am

Stroke On, Stroke Off.

DoktorZoom November 12, 2010 at 12:21 am

Now that I think about it, it is fairly clear that the original Toy Story was an allegory of the Reagan administration, what with Buzz Lightyear actually believing that he was, in fact, a Space Ranger and not merely a simulation of one…and like Reagan, Woody was a cowboy; this clearly dramatizes the inner tension between Reagan-As-American-Icon and Reagan the High Tech Cold Warrior…

GOD DAMN YOU STEUF, NOW YOU'VE GOT ME DOING IT TOO!

Numbat_Dundee November 12, 2010 at 7:41 am

Mr Potato Head was Newt Gingrich. The slinky dog was a southern Republican. The toy soldiers were real soldiers invading Nicaragua rather than the living room. Bo Peep was Reagan's creepy wife. Andy was the constitution…
My head hurts. Can I go home now please?

Bonzos_Bed_Time November 12, 2010 at 12:26 am

TS3 made my cry.

LionelHutzEsq November 12, 2010 at 12:41 am

Jack just made me cry.

seppdecker November 12, 2010 at 1:21 am

Is TS3 the one made of liquid metal or the one with the bad accent?

Bonzos_Bed_Time November 12, 2010 at 11:48 am

You mean the lame, lame-duck Governor of a large Western state?

GOPCrusher November 12, 2010 at 1:06 pm

GET TO THE CHOPPA!

catchtheflava November 12, 2010 at 8:31 am

The midterms made me cry. Score another point for Klavan's hypothesis.

SorosBot November 12, 2010 at 12:33 am

Let's see what he's done: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0458461/
Nope, have not heard of a single one of these alleged films, only the Hannity show where he played the challenging role of "himself".

WordSaladNation November 12, 2010 at 7:12 am

I'm sorry to say that Clint Eastwood's True Crime, which was based on one of his books, wasn't half bad.

One Missed Call, however, sucked anus.

BarackMyWorld November 12, 2010 at 12:38 am

I can almost buy that The Incredibles was inspired by Atlas Shrugged, but THIS is asking too much.

Chet Kincaid November 12, 2010 at 11:11 am

The Incredibles was inspired by dumb comics (The Fantastic Four and Watchmen) that are nevertheless at a higher intellectual level than Ayn Rand. I AM AYN RAND I NEED NO COMICS CODE AUTHORITY SEAL!

BarackMyWorld November 13, 2010 at 5:07 pm

The comics were better than the movies.

Lascauxcaveman November 12, 2010 at 12:42 am

I've no idea what this is all about, but it does make me glad I've neither seen Toy Story 3 or read much of the LA Times in general.

Also Ratatouille was pretty good (except for the ending) and Up was pretty good (except for the ending). The Frog Princess was pretty good (except for the ending). I think American animated filmmakers should take a cue from Japan and instead of fabricating some pasted together bad-guy-gets-foiled-in-the-end type of generic climax, just follow the lead of movies like My Neighbor Totoro and Howl's Moving Castle and just be batshit crazy from opening scene to closing credits.

x111e7thst November 12, 2010 at 7:04 am

Depends what sort of vintage motorcycle you are contemplating.

Lascauxcaveman November 12, 2010 at 12:13 pm

1981 KZ1100 Shafty. Voting ends today. Currently "yes" is trouncing "no" 100% – 0% with a total of 1 votes counted (margin of error /- 4%)

WriteyWriterton November 12, 2010 at 2:35 pm

Our national story is pretty good, too (except for the ending).

mildlysore November 12, 2010 at 5:02 pm

Agreed, though in hindsight, the tentacle rape scene in Wall-E seemed a bit gratuitous.

LionelHutzEsq November 12, 2010 at 12:43 am

But surely Buzz becoming a Mexican to save the other toys blows this theory out of the water, no?

And let's not forget that the only straight couple in the good guys are a bunch of Potatoes. Probably from Idaho, and we know (Larry Craig, Butch Otter) what they are like.

Office_39 November 12, 2010 at 12:43 am

by Jack Stuef
11:56 pm November 11, 2010

You the man, Jack.

Rarian Rakista November 12, 2010 at 2:17 am

They should require a webcam pic of the bloggers as they post. I want to see which strip joint this was posted out of.

WordSaladNation November 12, 2010 at 7:13 am

I'm sure we'll have a TSA nudie x-ray of Jack soon enough.

Pragmatist2 November 12, 2010 at 12:44 am

Actually, it was just a movie.
Only some Hollywood dickwad would try to make it into Moby Dick.

SorosBot November 12, 2010 at 12:45 am

The LA Times also regularly publishes Jonah Goldberg; their op-ed page makes the Washington Post's look downright reasonable.

imissopus November 12, 2010 at 1:14 am

You beat me to mentioning that. I was going to suggest that as bad as this is, it's actually a step up from the usual garbage Goldberg craps out.

It wasn't too many years ago that the LA Times was a pretty good paper. Really, it was.

BeWoot November 12, 2010 at 2:17 am

In defense of the LA Times … at least their crossword puzzles are free online. (Suck it, NY Times.)

Sparky_McGruff November 12, 2010 at 9:22 am

Perhaps the LA Times op-ed pages are some form of moron work-release program?

iburl November 12, 2010 at 12:47 am

"(TS3 is)…an escape from race-baiters and gender warriors who have sought to take away our pride in our heroic cowboy past …"

Why wasn't that the tag line of the film?
Because Pixar and Disney are gay married and Redskins fans?

dogscantlookup November 12, 2010 at 3:03 am

"(TS3 is)…an escape from race-baiters and gender warriors who have sought to take away our pride in our heroic cowboy past …"

Uh oh, someone didn't like "Posse" nor "Rosewood"

PublicLuxury November 12, 2010 at 12:49 am

I refudiate this also too.

ManchuCandidate November 12, 2010 at 12:53 am

It's funny to me that the only time things work the way GOPers want them to is in Diznee films.

Rarian Rakista November 12, 2010 at 2:22 am

Walt Disney apparently liked minorities, he was one of the few Republicans to support Civil Rights at the time, his wife was a Democrat.

dogscantlookup November 12, 2010 at 3:09 am

Except ta Joooos!
And Uncle Remus, Native Americans, Asians, etc

Naked_Bunny November 12, 2010 at 7:33 am

Even Jefferson owned slaves.

tribbzthesquidz November 12, 2010 at 1:12 am

Someone please give that hamster on the wheel in Klavan's brain a break. No doubt he can afford more than one. Hamster. For rotation.

weejee November 12, 2010 at 1:15 am

Mmmmm. I could see the Three Stooges "Booty and the Beast" as a good metaphor of Dubbya's last four years with post-stroke Curly, like the literally heartless Cheney, making a cameo appearance from his unnamed location.

imissopus November 12, 2010 at 1:23 am

This is the kind of mastubatory crap I had to write in film school. It's fine for nineteen-year-old kids who spend most of their time drunk, but Andrew Klavan is apparently a grown man.

seppdecker November 12, 2010 at 1:30 am

So when Andy's nasty neighbor Sid burned Woody in the first Toy Story, was Sid a stand-in for Bush?

Andrew "Cliff" Klavan must be so used to swiping story elements from other movies that he seems incapable of enjoying a story on an aesthetic level. Or to use an analogy, you can give a vulture chocolate cake, but it's so used to rotted deer that all you've done is waste a cake. I'd like my check from the LA Times now.

Rarian Rakista November 12, 2010 at 2:24 am

Ever talked to anyone in LA-LA Land, they relate all geopolitical and personal events through the lense of the movie camera. Its like the whole city is perpetually enrolled in freshman cinema.

HistoriCat November 12, 2010 at 10:06 am

Screw the LA Times – why aren't you writing for the Washington Post?

nounverb911 November 12, 2010 at 1:49 am

Thinking about this nonsense causes insomnia.

Beowoof November 12, 2010 at 1:52 am

So it is sort of like what we have now, a small band of close friends go to bat for each other against an evil bear who has taken control of all the means of production and wants to ensure that anyone but him and his friends live as serfs in his kingdom. Complete with torture of Buzz Lightyear. Yep, I can see that.

Laughitoff22 November 12, 2010 at 1:57 am

To be honest I thought "Romy and Michele's High School Reunion" was a much better allegory for the midterm elections.

MinAgain November 12, 2010 at 2:37 am

What an idiot. The movie is obviously an capitalist allegory of planned obsolescence and the increasing availability of cheap foreign goods. Unless Barbie’s legwarmers represent the shackles of Communist ideology, and then all bets are off.

Giveusabob November 12, 2010 at 2:48 am

Sadly, I can not with good conscious state that no brain cells were harmed in the writing or reading of this article.

dogscantlookup November 12, 2010 at 2:49 am

"Andrew Klavan is a screenwriter of crappy crime movies"
I was published in a book when I was in elementary school, how do iz becum exespurt?

dogscantlookup November 12, 2010 at 2:52 am

"Lots-o’-Huggin’ Bear" Is that Bristol?

Extemporanus November 12, 2010 at 4:06 am

Lest we forget, two-time Edgar Allen Poe Award-winning anti-affirmative action supernatural crime thriller novelist, failed screenwriter-cum-blogger-cum-pundit-cum-cum failure, and mosque-averse, yet halal-hummer-seeking, insufficiently dessicated second-rate Michael Chertoff RealDoll™ impersonator Andrew ("My imaginary friends call me 'Cliff'!") Klavan is also the highly-esteemed right-wing Roger Ebert's thyroid cancer aspirant who graced us with the following jaw-droppingly incisive poli-culti pop psych flim-flam film critique:

“There seems to me no question that the Batman film The Dark Knight, currently breaking every box office record in history, is at some level a paean of praise to the fortitude and moral courage that has been shown by George W. Bush in this time of terror and war.”

So yeah, Klavan's whole "throw Toy Story 3 under the short bus" special [op-]ed utter fucking anti-Obama bullshit? Four words: "To INSANITY…and BEYONNND!"

Gleem_McShineys November 12, 2010 at 12:54 pm

Holy fucking mental bat diarrheah, Klavan-man! KERPLOOOTHK

lulzmonger November 13, 2010 at 11:45 pm

Oh shitsicles, the goombah who excreted that "Dark Knight = Bush RAWKS" tripe was him? There seems to me no question that he needs to learn how to question more. Paean of praise my ass – even a child could tell that there's a serious anti-authoritarian vibe to that movie … which disqualifies Klavan until he stops huffing the paint-thinner.

elpinche November 12, 2010 at 4:11 am

jesus fuckin christ , what a combo ..NRO + LA times. I'd rather read WND, at least the crazy is interesting. Klavan needs to kicked in the cunt.

Naked_Bunny November 12, 2010 at 6:56 am

“At Sunnyside, we own ourselves.”

If we must analyze this cartoon that I haven't seen (unlike Andrew Klavan, I have things to do), I'd like to note that this line is actually the libertarian Tea Party mantra. Sounds like the allegory is just getting started!

FNMA November 12, 2010 at 7:18 am

Hmmmmm…seems more like a Randian fantasy to me. I guess I missed the scene where Buzz rapes Mrs. Potato Head.

Naked_Bunny November 12, 2010 at 7:30 am

I was trying to relate it to the recent election, just like Klavan. It's difficult, I admit, because reading self-affirming allegories into a kid's cartoon made well before the election, by creators who have little sympathy for the views you espouse, is stupid. Just like Klavan.

genxr November 12, 2010 at 12:22 pm

No kidding, how could he get that backwards? We have pedo-bear (aka any Republican in Congress) telling us we need to free ourselves from Andy/Obama (college education!!) and "own ourselves" for freedum!

ifthethunderdontgetya November 12, 2010 at 8:10 am

Andrew Klavan, you say?
. http://eusa-riddled.blogspot.com/2010/11/i-decide
~

WarAndGee November 12, 2010 at 8:45 am

Andrew Klavan really likes Andrew Klavan who really appears to be into Andrew Klavan who worships the self of Andrew Klavan.

So many Atlases to Shrug, so little time.

WarAndGee November 12, 2010 at 8:33 am

So, when are we going to start redistributing the wealth? Because, like, the top 1% of the population owns 98% of everthing. I guess this still isn't enough for these apologists who are owned (or hope to be owned) by the corporate class and not really be owned by …um…themselves (which is just a dumb phrase).

"To stupidity and beyond!"

ulTIMum November 12, 2010 at 8:43 am

Yeah, well, the model for every election this millennium has been "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?," a tiresome old couple ragging at one another at the next table of an unsavory restaaurant, bitter because they're infertile.

mrblifil November 12, 2010 at 9:11 am

In his defense George is bitter because he's a frustrated aging queen who can't gay marry Honey's husband.

deanbooth November 12, 2010 at 8:59 am

And an allegory for the Republican Party can be seen in Boy Story 3.

mrblifil November 12, 2010 at 9:07 am

He left out the part where Jessie can't get over the girl who abandoned her and Woody and Buzz are sublimating homoerotic tendencies, which may only be safely expressed through their devotion to some dude named Andy. IOW toys are gay.

Oh and since he didn't touch on it, the scene where the toys are trapped on a conveyer belt taking them to certain immolation is a metaphor for how we all strive uselessly in a godless dystopia, waiting for death to come. And in Finding Nemo, fish are Jews (as are the puppies marching from safe house to safe house in the snow from 101 Dalmatians) just trying to buy time while the Holocaust takes place around them. So there's that.

Redhead November 12, 2010 at 9:27 am

I thought the fish in Finding Nemo were stoners. Or was that the turtles? I don't remember.

Redhead November 12, 2010 at 9:26 am

“No owners means no heartbreak,” the bear says. “At Sunnyside, we own ourselves.”

So the bear is Lincoln, freeing the slaves, and whats-his-face that writes those movies no one watches hates the bear because he let those dark people actually vote and now look what happened. Is that the point of all this?

bureaucrap November 12, 2010 at 9:36 am

You make the mistake of thinking that it matters that ANYTHING is taken seriously by the LA Times. Like the Chicago Tribune, it is a once-great paper whose journalistic standards have been whittled down by successive owners until it is little more than a promotional pamphlet for just-released movies, foreign cars, and missile guidance systems.

Weenus299 November 12, 2010 at 9:37 am

I hope Cliff Clavin as the pink pig was appropriately serving as the Earth Destroying Teabagger, waging war against … pork.

Mindblank November 12, 2010 at 9:56 am

Oh, sure, film-as-art holds a mirror up to life, only it's one of those funhouse types and there's always a clown laughing at you from the other side.

Eve8Apples November 12, 2010 at 10:31 am

This is what I learned from Toy Story 3:

1. Never trust bears that smell like strawberries.
2. Barbie's boyfriend – Ken – is actually a closeted flaming gay guy.

mrblifil November 12, 2010 at 12:06 pm

At Sunnyside we own ourselves…

Whereas Andrew Klavan can go fuck himself…

mrblifil November 12, 2010 at 12:11 pm

Har har check out the cast of the latest "thriller" the esteemed Mr. Klavan has barfed out:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0907625/

Arielle Kebbel, Sean Faris, Dania Ramirez, Evan Ross, Clayne Crawford…THAT IS THE FUCKING A-LIST RIGHT THERE PEOPLE!!

genxr November 12, 2010 at 12:25 pm

Running from gangs on the NY subway? Hmmm… why does that sound familiar?

*clink* *clink* Cliff Clayvin, come out and playyayy!

genxr November 12, 2010 at 12:24 pm

If you think that's bad, people, just wait. With Boehner in charge, we are in for two years of The Brown Bunny.

MistaEko November 12, 2010 at 1:06 pm

/slow clap

The prolonged blowjob is an allegory for routinely blowing johns to pay the rent, and playing sister wife #2 later in your career is an allegory for the fundamentalist wave of 2012.

genxr November 12, 2010 at 1:22 pm

Of course I'm talking about the Cannes cut, not the later, shorter version. Get ready for long stretches of watching a motorcycle approach while you think, what the fuck is this supposed to be, followed by a long stretch of the same motorbike leaving while you think, what the fuck was that supposed to be?

MistaEko November 12, 2010 at 12:57 pm

Call me "someone who recalls the 90s," but the whole idea of "owning yourselves" that huggy bear describes is pretty much verbatim from Newt Gingrich's "Ownership Society" in which you get to "own" and are responsible for everything related to you – which sounds utopian until you realize that means you manage your 401K, your medical coverage, your police protection, and your roads. And lo and behold, the movie shows that without the nanny state of child owners around, the toys all get routinely brutalized by toddlers and are under mob control by the bear, like one expects in most libertarian dystopias.

So am I reaching just as much as Klavan? Your call. The problem is I'll make such an allegory, maybe write it down in an e-mail, and have a chuckle about it with friends. Klavan's and his ilk take this movie, The Dark Knight, 300, and Watchmen, put them in leading periodicals, get paid shittons, and then they are taken to heart by the base who go around repeating these things in arguments with me and end with "DIDN'T YOU WATCH TOY STORY 3????"

OneYieldRegular November 12, 2010 at 12:58 pm

Such regret. If only I'd seen this movie prior to the election, I would have been able to predict that the House would go Republican and that the Senate would not.

simplyblue7 November 12, 2010 at 1:09 pm

Uhhh…so Obama is a stuffed animal that smells like strawberry? So confused.

Gleem_McShineys November 12, 2010 at 1:10 pm

Fucking seriously? This guy gets paid to do this? I know times change and behaviors evolve, but when did masturbation stop being a personal private matter?

genxr November 12, 2010 at 1:23 pm

This makes sense. You know what a bunch of right wing ideologues those Pixar guys are.

assistantatlas November 12, 2010 at 3:03 pm

Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, I never realized how similar Joe Biden and Buzz Lightyear are. And President Obama is totally Woody.

snoopyfan2010 November 12, 2010 at 7:37 pm

And Haley Barbour is the bear….and Boehner is the Ken doll with the tan….

PhilippePetain November 15, 2010 at 1:08 pm

The fact that teabaggers are looking to cartoons for philosophical affirmation is a small but significant happiness for me.

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