and babar is about elephants! so!

And Finally, the Best Midterm Election Analysis: It Was ‘Toy Story 3′

With Republicans in power, the government can rule who lives and dies based on how old they are. Hooray! Wait.Andrew Klavan is a screenwriter of crappy crime movies and no longer has a job writing for Pajamas Media, so obviously his editorials are taken VERY SERIOUSLY by the LA Times. So when this man says the complex, nationwide, real-life event known as the 2010 midterm elections are merely an allegory of Toy Story 3, this is something that is printed in an actual newspaper. Good work, America! You perfectly recreated the plot of an animated children’s movie. And NO, we do not have that allegory the other way around — the election came after that movie, and just like the movie, it was a repudiation of communism. You remember all the communism in that cartoon, right?

What’s more, Lots-o’-Huggin’ Bear promises the toys that they are entering a better societal model than the old-fashioned family, one that is free, especially, from the grief of ownership. “No owners means no heartbreak,” the bear says. “At Sunnyside, we own ourselves.” Maybe he should’ve thrown in something about redistributing wealth and taking over the means of production, but it’s a kid’s movie, so never mind.

The “ownership” in question was actually what these toys (God, why are we even devoting brain cells to this?) experienced before. They previously lived under a dictatorship. A rather benevolent dictatorship, sure, but they were forced to do whatever their child wanted. (Really, why? Why are we doing this?) The daycare facility at first seemed like a democratic utopia, but it turned out to be an oppressive authoritarian regime supported by a small elite class of officials. (SO DUMB.) In fact, if you really want to delve into the political philosophy, this situation…No, we can’t keep doing this.

Anyway, this movie was also great because it teaches children that “sissified men” are not to be trusted and are trying to destroy our democracy! Sure! Fags ruin everything, kids! That’s a lesson!

And we know America loved this anti-Obama, anti-gay movie because it did so well at the box office. Unlike every single one of Andrew Klavan’s movies. [LA Times via The Corner]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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      1. LionelHutzEsq

        And they were produced by the Federal Government (National Institute for Mental Health).

        So, Christine was right all along. Does this mean that Obama is really a Kenyan Muslim?

  1. bumfug

    Yeah, I need to listen to a guy who can make a movie starring Clint Eastwood that absolutely nobody wanted to see.

  2. DoktorZoom

    Now that I think about it, it is fairly clear that the original Toy Story was an allegory of the Reagan administration, what with Buzz Lightyear actually believing that he was, in fact, a Space Ranger and not merely a simulation of one…and like Reagan, Woody was a cowboy; this clearly dramatizes the inner tension between Reagan-As-American-Icon and Reagan the High Tech Cold Warrior…


    1. Numbat_Dundee

      Mr Potato Head was Newt Gingrich. The slinky dog was a southern Republican. The toy soldiers were real soldiers invading Nicaragua rather than the living room. Bo Peep was Reagan's creepy wife. Andy was the constitution…
      My head hurts. Can I go home now please?

    1. Chet Kincaid

      The Incredibles was inspired by dumb comics (The Fantastic Four and Watchmen) that are nevertheless at a higher intellectual level than Ayn Rand. I AM AYN RAND I NEED NO COMICS CODE AUTHORITY SEAL!

  3. Lascauxcaveman

    I've no idea what this is all about, but it does make me glad I've neither seen Toy Story 3 or read much of the LA Times in general.

    Also Ratatouille was pretty good (except for the ending) and Up was pretty good (except for the ending). The Frog Princess was pretty good (except for the ending). I think American animated filmmakers should take a cue from Japan and instead of fabricating some pasted together bad-guy-gets-foiled-in-the-end type of generic climax, just follow the lead of movies like My Neighbor Totoro and Howl's Moving Castle and just be batshit crazy from opening scene to closing credits.

  4. LionelHutzEsq

    But surely Buzz becoming a Mexican to save the other toys blows this theory out of the water, no?

    And let's not forget that the only straight couple in the good guys are a bunch of Potatoes. Probably from Idaho, and we know (Larry Craig, Butch Otter) what they are like.

  5. SorosBot

    The LA Times also regularly publishes Jonah Goldberg; their op-ed page makes the Washington Post's look downright reasonable.

    1. imissopus

      You beat me to mentioning that. I was going to suggest that as bad as this is, it's actually a step up from the usual garbage Goldberg craps out.

      It wasn't too many years ago that the LA Times was a pretty good paper. Really, it was.

  6. iburl

    "(TS3 is)…an escape from race-baiters and gender warriors who have sought to take away our pride in our heroic cowboy past …"

    Why wasn't that the tag line of the film?
    Because Pixar and Disney are gay married and Redskins fans?

    1. dogscantlookup

      "(TS3 is)…an escape from race-baiters and gender warriors who have sought to take away our pride in our heroic cowboy past …"

      Uh oh, someone didn't like "Posse" nor "Rosewood"

  7. tribbzthesquidz

    Someone please give that hamster on the wheel in Klavan's brain a break. No doubt he can afford more than one. Hamster. For rotation.

  8. weejee

    Mmmmm. I could see the Three Stooges "Booty and the Beast" as a good metaphor of Dubbya's last four years with post-stroke Curly, like the literally heartless Cheney, making a cameo appearance from his unnamed location.

  9. imissopus

    This is the kind of mastubatory crap I had to write in film school. It's fine for nineteen-year-old kids who spend most of their time drunk, but Andrew Klavan is apparently a grown man.

  10. seppdecker

    So when Andy's nasty neighbor Sid burned Woody in the first Toy Story, was Sid a stand-in for Bush?

    Andrew "Cliff" Klavan must be so used to swiping story elements from other movies that he seems incapable of enjoying a story on an aesthetic level. Or to use an analogy, you can give a vulture chocolate cake, but it's so used to rotted deer that all you've done is waste a cake. I'd like my check from the LA Times now.

    1. Rarian Rakista

      Ever talked to anyone in LA-LA Land, they relate all geopolitical and personal events through the lense of the movie camera. Its like the whole city is perpetually enrolled in freshman cinema.

  11. Beowoof

    So it is sort of like what we have now, a small band of close friends go to bat for each other against an evil bear who has taken control of all the means of production and wants to ensure that anyone but him and his friends live as serfs in his kingdom. Complete with torture of Buzz Lightyear. Yep, I can see that.

  12. Laughitoff22

    To be honest I thought "Romy and Michele's High School Reunion" was a much better allegory for the midterm elections.

  13. MinAgain

    What an idiot. The movie is obviously an capitalist allegory of planned obsolescence and the increasing availability of cheap foreign goods. Unless Barbie’s legwarmers represent the shackles of Communist ideology, and then all bets are off.

  14. Giveusabob

    Sadly, I can not with good conscious state that no brain cells were harmed in the writing or reading of this article.

  15. dogscantlookup

    "Andrew Klavan is a screenwriter of crappy crime movies"
    I was published in a book when I was in elementary school, how do iz becum exespurt?

  16. Extemporanus

    Lest we forget, two-time Edgar Allen Poe Award-winning anti-affirmative action supernatural crime thriller novelist, failed screenwriter-cum-blogger-cum-pundit-cum-cum failure, and mosque-averse, yet halal-hummer-seeking, insufficiently dessicated second-rate Michael Chertoff RealDoll™ impersonator Andrew ("My imaginary friends call me 'Cliff'!") Klavan is also the highly-esteemed right-wing Roger Ebert's thyroid cancer aspirant who graced us with the following jaw-droppingly incisive poli-culti pop psych flim-flam film critique:

    “There seems to me no question that the Batman film The Dark Knight, currently breaking every box office record in history, is at some level a paean of praise to the fortitude and moral courage that has been shown by George W. Bush in this time of terror and war.”

    So yeah, Klavan's whole "throw Toy Story 3 under the short bus" special [op-]ed utter fucking anti-Obama bullshit? Four words: "To INSANITY…and BEYONNND!"

    1. lulzmonger

      Oh shitsicles, the goombah who excreted that "Dark Knight = Bush RAWKS" tripe was him? There seems to me no question that he needs to learn how to question more. Paean of praise my ass – even a child could tell that there's a serious anti-authoritarian vibe to that movie … which disqualifies Klavan until he stops huffing the paint-thinner.

  17. elpinche

    jesus fuckin christ , what a combo ..NRO + LA times. I'd rather read WND, at least the crazy is interesting. Klavan needs to kicked in the cunt.

  18. Naked_Bunny

    “At Sunnyside, we own ourselves.”

    If we must analyze this cartoon that I haven't seen (unlike Andrew Klavan, I have things to do), I'd like to note that this line is actually the libertarian Tea Party mantra. Sounds like the allegory is just getting started!

    1. FNMA

      Hmmmmm…seems more like a Randian fantasy to me. I guess I missed the scene where Buzz rapes Mrs. Potato Head.

      1. Naked_Bunny

        I was trying to relate it to the recent election, just like Klavan. It's difficult, I admit, because reading self-affirming allegories into a kid's cartoon made well before the election, by creators who have little sympathy for the views you espouse, is stupid. Just like Klavan.

    2. genxr

      No kidding, how could he get that backwards? We have pedo-bear (aka any Republican in Congress) telling us we need to free ourselves from Andy/Obama (college education!!) and "own ourselves" for freedum!

    1. WarAndGee

      Andrew Klavan really likes Andrew Klavan who really appears to be into Andrew Klavan who worships the self of Andrew Klavan.

      So many Atlases to Shrug, so little time.

  19. WarAndGee

    So, when are we going to start redistributing the wealth? Because, like, the top 1% of the population owns 98% of everthing. I guess this still isn't enough for these apologists who are owned (or hope to be owned) by the corporate class and not really be owned by …um…themselves (which is just a dumb phrase).

    "To stupidity and beyond!"

  20. ulTIMum

    Yeah, well, the model for every election this millennium has been "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?," a tiresome old couple ragging at one another at the next table of an unsavory restaaurant, bitter because they're infertile.

  21. mrblifil

    He left out the part where Jessie can't get over the girl who abandoned her and Woody and Buzz are sublimating homoerotic tendencies, which may only be safely expressed through their devotion to some dude named Andy. IOW toys are gay.

    Oh and since he didn't touch on it, the scene where the toys are trapped on a conveyer belt taking them to certain immolation is a metaphor for how we all strive uselessly in a godless dystopia, waiting for death to come. And in Finding Nemo, fish are Jews (as are the puppies marching from safe house to safe house in the snow from 101 Dalmatians) just trying to buy time while the Holocaust takes place around them. So there's that.

  22. Redhead

    “No owners means no heartbreak,” the bear says. “At Sunnyside, we own ourselves.”

    So the bear is Lincoln, freeing the slaves, and whats-his-face that writes those movies no one watches hates the bear because he let those dark people actually vote and now look what happened. Is that the point of all this?

  23. bureaucrap

    You make the mistake of thinking that it matters that ANYTHING is taken seriously by the LA Times. Like the Chicago Tribune, it is a once-great paper whose journalistic standards have been whittled down by successive owners until it is little more than a promotional pamphlet for just-released movies, foreign cars, and missile guidance systems.

  24. Weenus299

    I hope Cliff Clavin as the pink pig was appropriately serving as the Earth Destroying Teabagger, waging war against … pork.

  25. Mindblank

    Oh, sure, film-as-art holds a mirror up to life, only it's one of those funhouse types and there's always a clown laughing at you from the other side.

  26. Eve8Apples

    This is what I learned from Toy Story 3:

    1. Never trust bears that smell like strawberries.
    2. Barbie's boyfriend – Ken – is actually a closeted flaming gay guy.

    1. genxr

      Running from gangs on the NY subway? Hmmm… why does that sound familiar?

      *clink* *clink* Cliff Clayvin, come out and playyayy!

  27. genxr

    If you think that's bad, people, just wait. With Boehner in charge, we are in for two years of The Brown Bunny.

    1. MistaEko

      /slow clap

      The prolonged blowjob is an allegory for routinely blowing johns to pay the rent, and playing sister wife #2 later in your career is an allegory for the fundamentalist wave of 2012.

      1. genxr

        Of course I'm talking about the Cannes cut, not the later, shorter version. Get ready for long stretches of watching a motorcycle approach while you think, what the fuck is this supposed to be, followed by a long stretch of the same motorbike leaving while you think, what the fuck was that supposed to be?

  28. MistaEko

    Call me "someone who recalls the 90s," but the whole idea of "owning yourselves" that huggy bear describes is pretty much verbatim from Newt Gingrich's "Ownership Society" in which you get to "own" and are responsible for everything related to you – which sounds utopian until you realize that means you manage your 401K, your medical coverage, your police protection, and your roads. And lo and behold, the movie shows that without the nanny state of child owners around, the toys all get routinely brutalized by toddlers and are under mob control by the bear, like one expects in most libertarian dystopias.

    So am I reaching just as much as Klavan? Your call. The problem is I'll make such an allegory, maybe write it down in an e-mail, and have a chuckle about it with friends. Klavan's and his ilk take this movie, The Dark Knight, 300, and Watchmen, put them in leading periodicals, get paid shittons, and then they are taken to heart by the base who go around repeating these things in arguments with me and end with "DIDN'T YOU WATCH TOY STORY 3????"

  29. OneYieldRegular

    Such regret. If only I'd seen this movie prior to the election, I would have been able to predict that the House would go Republican and that the Senate would not.

  30. Gleem_McShineys

    Fucking seriously? This guy gets paid to do this? I know times change and behaviors evolve, but when did masturbation stop being a personal private matter?

  31. PhilippePetain

    The fact that teabaggers are looking to cartoons for philosophical affirmation is a small but significant happiness for me.

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