CARTOON VIOLENCE  1:01 pm November 12, 2010

Boehners Today, Boehners Forever!

by Josh Fruhlinger

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Hello, everybody! Your Comics Curmudgeon has been lying low for a bit, because of the election madness, fearful that Speaker of the House John Boehner will be sending out his goon squads to round up the inadequately orange and put them into tanning booth camps. But then it turns out that he’s not going to seize control of the less-organized half of the legislative branch for another couple of months! Thus, it is still legal to print cartoons about him that do not feature his unbearably beautiful blue eyes emitting power-beams that heal lepers. FOR NOW.

Ha ha, Nancy Pelosi, remember her? She was “2006′s John Boehner,” if you can believe that. Anyway, she will spend the last sad days of the her speakership clinging to the back of the angry, bucking bronco that is the Democratic Party, which seems to be wasting a lot of energy being all angry and bucking-y now, when it can’t help anybody. Your Comics Curmudgeon spent an embarrassing amount of time staring at the small of Nancy’s back in this cartoon, trying to figure out if the line work there was supposed to represent her ass-crack, but then thought, “Wait, am I really trying to figure out if Nancy Pelosi is topless in a rodeo-themed Glen McCoy cartoon? Is this what I’m doing with my life?” So then I stopped! If you find yourself compelled to fixate on something here, why not contemplate the semiotics behind the depiction of the Republican elephant as a rodeo clown in the background?

Oh, I’m sorry, do whimsical clown-elephants bore you? Are you looking for terrifying surrealist imagery that will haunt your dreams for weeks? Here: Take a look at this cartoon, in which Nancy Pelosi pushes her face, frozen into an awful death-mask, mere inches away from a mirror. Why can’t she see her reflection? Why does the mirror’s surface ripple like a pool of water, in defiance of the physical laws that normally govern our reality? The skin on her face is frozen so tightly that she can’t even speak or scream as the surface of the mirror liquid parts to reveal an terrifying orange countenance, appearing from the murky depths of some hell-dimension. “John Boehner,” it says gnomically. That is all it can say. “John Boehner. John Boehner.”

Psych! John Boehner is not the disembodied face of a terrifying demon-spectre. He’s an important American political leader, and he ought to be treated with respect. Get with the program, political cartoonists! The first step is to depict his distinctive orange hue as being more or less uniform across his visible flesh. Under no circumstances should you portray him as he appears here, which is to say, “as if a can of spray tanner had abruptly exploded in his face.” Also, do not color his hair to resemble that of the Oompa-Loompas in the 1971 Willy Wonka movie. John Boehner has managed to conquer his “Oompa-Loompa hair problem” with the help of his lord and savior Jesus Christ and copious amounts of Just For Men hair coloring, as his chief of staff will let you know at great length via email if you happen to imply otherwise.

It’s totally OK to make fun of his name, though! Ha ha, because “Boehner” looks like it should be pronounced like “boner” even though it’s not, really. And you can use it to build funny compound words, like “Boehnercare,” which implies that it’s about taking care of boners — specifically, the boners sprouted by Boehner’s lobbyist friends, when he ensures that they and their clients will have plenty of money, forever. Whee! Boehners!

Meanwhile, while all this hot Boehner action was going on, crafty Mitch McConnell was sneaking up on Barack Obama and cutting off his hand. Wait, there’s a political cartoonist who knows who Mitch McConnell is? NERD.

 
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{ 46 comments }

V572625694 November 12, 2010 at 1:11 pm

Yeah, the cartoonist may know who McConnell is, but his caricature needs about 2,000 more hours of practice.

elviouslyqueer November 12, 2010 at 1:32 pm

True, and easily done with a Google Image search for "constipated turtle."

freakishlywrong November 12, 2010 at 1:35 pm

NEEDS MOAR TURTLE.

Not_So_Much November 12, 2010 at 1:59 pm

As long as the shapeless mouth-hole is constantly flapping, a boneless skin sack works.

elviouslyqueer November 12, 2010 at 2:07 pm

If by "constantly flapping, boneless skin sack," you mean that McConnell resembles an uncircumcised penis, then yes.

Not_So_Much November 12, 2010 at 2:30 pm

Penis seems too masculine for that neckless sack of shit. Maybe a disembodied colon?

Lost_Teabaggers November 12, 2010 at 2:08 pm

Yeah Mitchy looks like someone mated a turtle with Dana Carvey's church lady from SNL and then took it, stuck it into a chair and forced its eyes open for constant Ayn Rand/ Adolf Hitler saturation; this occured from years on end and the beast that emerged became a senator because dumb Republicans will vote for anything so long as it's greedy, corrupt and cruel (see West, Allen and Scott, Rick)

SorosBot November 12, 2010 at 3:22 pm

Or like Dana Carvey's turtle man: http://cdn.gs.uproxx.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/

iburl November 12, 2010 at 1:11 pm

In 10 years we will actually be able to get heart disease, emphysema and stroke just from looking at all the poison Boner's body is expelling into his anaranjo man-leather. If we smoke his mummy it would be as if king tobacco himself had taken us up to smoker's heaven on a toxic cloud accompanied by the ragged, choking wheezes of a heavenly choir.

Lost_Teabaggers November 12, 2010 at 2:10 pm

Don't forget all the booze! College kids will be drinkin' Boehner and getting more fucked up than a group of drunks with a crate of everclear to play with.

PublicLuxury November 12, 2010 at 3:11 pm

Does the Boehner get to smoke in Federal Buildings? Isn't it against the rules or at least in the cuntstitshun that there shall be no smoking in the office?

SorosBot November 12, 2010 at 3:19 pm

The Speaker makes the rules.

doxastic November 12, 2010 at 1:14 pm

Glen McCoy's anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun.

MinAgain November 12, 2010 at 1:15 pm

Is it just me, or were political cartoons funnier during the Clinton and Bush administrations?

Billmatic November 12, 2010 at 1:34 pm

This Modern World is still pretty damned funny and on point.

Weenus299 November 12, 2010 at 1:15 pm

Mitch McConnell looks like Trent Lott with his teeth knocked out. And look at Obama back there. A dissembled robot. Robama.

Ducksworthy November 12, 2010 at 1:20 pm

Will Bonercare pay for viagra? (sorry)

GOPCrusher November 12, 2010 at 2:05 pm

If you experience a Boehner last more than 4 hours, seek medical attention.

PublicLuxury November 12, 2010 at 3:12 pm

Should we all call The House four hours after he is sworn in?

SayItWithWookies November 12, 2010 at 1:20 pm

No weepy Boehner digs? What the hell is wrong with our editorial cartoonists? Maybe weepy Boehners give them bad flashbacks to that night in Miami or something.

hagajim November 12, 2010 at 1:26 pm

All I see are Boehners…everywhere!!!! YAARGGGHHHH!

hagajim November 12, 2010 at 1:26 pm

When John travels on the 24th is he going to opt out so they can't see his Boehner?

CapnFatback November 12, 2010 at 1:27 pm

“Wait, am I really trying to figure out if Nancy Pelosi is topless in a rodeo-themed Glen McCoy cartoon? Is this what I’m doing with my life?”

She's riding bareback, natch.

Swampgas_Man November 13, 2010 at 10:57 am

Grippin' a buckin' bronco w/ her boobs is moar talent than Boehner has ever shown.

DaSandman November 12, 2010 at 1:30 pm

Why even bother to try and render Boner's face? The current crop of political cartoonists seem to be a bunch of talentless hacks anyway.

Just put an erect cock on the shoulders or a weeping piece of citrus where the head should go.

arclight2012 November 12, 2010 at 1:30 pm

Man, if I would just concentrate on drawing instead of trolling the comments on CNN's articles as a made-up teabagger, I could get a job I really liked!

HistoriCat November 12, 2010 at 8:14 pm

You probably have too much self-respect.

chicken_thief November 12, 2010 at 1:37 pm

"John Boehner is not the disembodied face of a terrifying demon-spectre."

Of course not! He's the disembodied face of a terrifying demon-sphincter.

savethispatient November 12, 2010 at 1:45 pm

Sadly, I also believe it looks like Pelosi is topless on top of that donkey. Did Paladino forward you that cartoon, Josh?

Not_So_Much November 12, 2010 at 2:02 pm

All my suppressed Kathryn Harris nightmare images are leaking through into my conscious brain…

Naked_Bunny November 12, 2010 at 2:02 pm

Don't worry, Josh. You are quite orange yourself.

Lost_Teabaggers November 12, 2010 at 2:25 pm

That's true but the wrong kind of orange…maybe? Considering Boners face looks like an old leather travelling bag maybe he wants another kind of orange than a ginger like Josh?

Naked_Bunny November 12, 2010 at 2:06 pm

Does Glenn McCoy know that one normally roots for the person riding the bucking bronco? Oh wait, McCoy has never let logic or facts get in the way of his poorly drawn polemics.

elviouslyqueer November 12, 2010 at 2:11 pm

Nice try, Glenn McCoy, but in the pantheon of Utter Shitbird Editorial Cartoonists, Michael Ramirez will always be Lord God King forever.

Swampgas_Man November 13, 2010 at 11:00 am

Ramirez CAN draw; he may be a schmuck, but he can grip a pen. I don't think this McCoy guy has an opposable thumb.

gurukalehuru November 12, 2010 at 2:13 pm

That guy Jones has to be the worst artist on the planet. Seriously, I am a 56 year old man who draws like a 7 year old, which is why I have never attempted a career as a cartoonist, but at least I know that John Boehner does not look like George Bush.

Also, why doesn't some cartoonist just draw Boehner as a big orange boehner. It would be easier, much, much funnier and would eliminate the need to ever print "John Boehner" across his suit.

lowaltflier November 12, 2010 at 2:13 pm

Is that supposed to be Obama with the blame starts here sign?

Terrible!

Lost_Teabaggers November 12, 2010 at 2:28 pm

These political cartoons suck…a cartoon that would really skewer the GOP would be Glenn Beck and John Boehner holding each other, bawling over a big pile of corporate cash with a sign reading "Boehner Support Group" behind them as the GOP version of health reform. Now that would be funny, any cartoon involving two old assed grown men crying and holding each other like the cast of a chick flick while wingnut harpies tell Democrats to "man up" would also be funny. The point is, it's very easy to make that dildo crowned with a half-eaten orange for a head look stupid, but it's much better comedy to instead point out the irony of conservative "manliness" considering two of their standard bearers weep like a child with a skinned knee at the drop of a hat.

Lost_Teabaggers November 12, 2010 at 2:33 pm

Yeah the Nancy Pelosi on a buckin' bronco cartoon would have been kinda sexy 10-15 years ago before she began to look a lot like a grandma. And Katherine Harris with maybe a bag on her head (or 20 years ago, which is better) would have accomplished the same thing. Anyway, like a mouthbreather like Glenn McCoy would make such an illustration, so there is that, also.

bagofmice November 12, 2010 at 2:49 pm

I proudly give your Boehner comment a righteous fist up!

DahBoner November 12, 2010 at 2:54 pm

I suggest everyone prank call Boner's office with Beavis and Butthead laughing in the background and ask:

WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHERE'S MY BONERCARE?

HUH? HUH? HUH? WHERE?

el_donaldo November 12, 2010 at 3:05 pm

The Obama in #3 looks like he's the unholy result of the union between the half-nekkid Pelosi and her mount in #1.

a_pink_poodle November 12, 2010 at 6:19 pm

So they laugh at my Boehner, will they?! I'll show them! I'LL SHOW THEM HOW MANY BOEHNERS THE JOKER CAN MAKE!

Negropolis November 12, 2010 at 11:49 pm

You know who else can't see their reflections in mirrors? Vampires! Yes, Nancy along with being San Francisco liberal is also and ages-old vampiress.

Swampgas_Man November 13, 2010 at 10:59 am

I really hope that was supposed to be a regular Democrat donkey, and got changed at the last minute.

mstorse9 November 30, 2010 at 12:09 pm

Visit Hypocritical.org to learn how Senator Mitch McConnell’s consistent acts of hypocrisy and cowardice benefit him at public expense.

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