earth vs. the machines

Fight the TSA’s Child Porn Airport Death Machines, November 24!

He's baaaaccckkk (to kill you).Guess who’s pushing for these radiation/porn camera tubes in every airport, to first debase you and then kill you with cancer? Hollow-eyed death monster Michael Chertoff, former director of Homeland Security! He’s now a lobbyist for the death-porn humiliation chambers, which is why it’s very important to security — his financial security — that you be subjected to outrageous doses of deadly radiation while the TSA’s obese high-school dropouts masturbate to x-ray jpgs of your breasts and/or penis. But on November 24, you can defeat Michael Chertoff, the undead spawn of Moloch.

Remember how the scrappy Afghan mujahideen crushed the mighty Soviet Union in Afghanistan, which quickly led to the collapse of the entire USSR? No? Well, it happened, in the 1980s. How about when the scrappy Taliban defeated America in Afghanistan, which is actually still happening today? Let’s not talk about that, because it’s Veterans Day. What we can talk about is how you, the brave freedom-fries fighter, can defeat the pornographic death-ray machines being installed in U.S. airports just in time for some obese high-school dropouts to look at your children’s genitalia, for Thanksgiving! On November 24, the day before Thanksgiving and one of the busiest air-travel days of the year, you are being called upon to cripple the TSA, hooray! (For freedom.)

You know about the pornographic death-scan X-ray naked radiation tanks people are being told to climb inside, in order to get on planes? Well, it seems that even Americans can only be humiliated and shit upon so much (by professionals) before they sort of stand up for themselves, a little bit. Standing up for yourself in this case means “opting out” of the cancer murder porn machine the TSA is using to a) look at your children naked and b) literally murder you with death rays. And “opting out” means one of the TSA tards actually attempts to stick its KFC-greased fingers in your anus or vagina, so that UPS can ship printer-cartridge bombs on cargo planes from Yemen. Not a perfect protest, but we still recommend you do it, because not a single airport is going to be prepared for this, plus all the pilots are refusing to go through the radiation-nudity chambers, so basically somebody is going to have to call off the use of these child-porn tubes because otherwise the near-death American Economy is going to be finished off, for good, by Thanksgiving.

Here’s what the organizers of National Opt-Out Day have to say:

Who?
You, your family and friends traveling by air on Wednesday, November 24, 2010.

Sponsored Video

What?
National Opt-Out Day. While the government doesn’t always like to advertise this, you have the ability to opt-out of the naked body scanner machines (AIT, or Advance Imaging Technology, as the government calls it). All you have to do is say “I opt out” when they tell you to go through one of the machines. You will then be given a pat down.

Where?
At an airport near you!

When?
Wednesday, November 24, 2010. That’s right: November 24 – one of the busiest travel days of the year! We want families to sit around the dinner table, eating turkey, talking about how a government employee molested them at the airport. We hope the outrageous experience then propels people to write their Member of Congress and the airlines to demand change.

Why?
We are sick of “security theater.” These naked body scanners do not make us a more secure nation. In fact, the scanners, which use radiation, may not even be safe for our long-term health. The government should not have the ability to virtually strip search anyone it wants. Why should a government employee get to see a naked scan of a passenger, and do who knows what in the back room while viewing that image? We have already heard stories of TSA officials laughing at small genitals and making certain women go through the machines or taking off extra clothes, reducing them to tears. This is absolutely sick behavior. If you don’t like it and don’t want to be virtually strip searched, then too bad says the government. To try and make everyone comply with the naked body scanners, the government has made the alternative worse! With their enhanced pat downs, TSA now touches the genitals and private areas of men, women and children with the front of the hand! We do not believe the government has a right to see you naked or feel you up just because you bought an airline ticket. There are better, less invasive security measures that can be taken.

How?
By saying “I opt out” when told to go through the bodying imaging machines and submitting to a pat down. Also, be sure to have your pat down by TSA in full public – do not go to the back room when asked. Every citizen must see for themselves how the government treats law-abiding citizens.

Follow us on twitter: http://twitter.com/nationaloptout

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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122 comments

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Can you imagine the look on that poor TSA guard as he runs his fingers into the steaming load in Vitter's diapers?

  1. chascates

    Matt Drudge, naturally, was one of the first to expose this plot by 'Big Sis' to look at air travelers' privates. The alleged fact that leering TSA employees (not a trained union force but cheap rent-a-cops) are groping your Johnsons and Hoo-Haws should be worthy of a House subcommittee investigation. Or at least a chalkboard explanation by that Beck fellow.

  2. Maman

    Screw that. I am tired of having my boobs touched. I would prefer to take my shirt off in public rather than have to be felt up in the name of national security.

      1. Maman

        I might just go to the airport for the show… I wonder how many of the flashers will be arrested for causing a public disruption.

        Didn't we used to have a right against unreasonable search and seizure? Or am I going to the pokey for even thinking that?

          1. JustPixelz

            Law & Order : Fashion Unit
            Sgt Ed: That's a dangerous lookin' collar ya got there, m'am'an. I'm afraid we're gonna hafta bring it in for questioning.
            Lt Lou: That's a righteous collar, Ed.
            Tim Gunn: I don't think it really works.
            Quincy: Are you telling me people are putting these things around their necks AND THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT IT?
            music:dum dum.

  3. PsycWench

    "The government" is behind all this? Can Obama see my Victoria's Secret Bra? Because I would totally show him, no need for $$$ equipment.

    1. LionelHutzEsq

      Agreed. I don't see how your usual tea bagger is hurting the TSA but not forcing them to look at their flabby, corpulent bodies. Hell, if they really wanted to protest, they should insist that their bodies be scanned in all their glory.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      I'm applying for a Federal grant as we speak.

      Method: Quantify weight loss/gain by TSA agents over a period of one year after the body scanners become universal.

      Query: How much does looking at pictures of disgusting fat naked people inspire TSA agents to take up better diet & excercise regimens for themselves, or at least cause lack of appetite.

  4. Failed_2_Menace

    Chertoff can't comprehend why others consider this technology invasive, because his bones are visible to the naked eye.

    1. mookwrthwilson

      No place for hidin' baby
      No place to run
      You pull the trigger of my
      Love gun, (love gun), love gun
      Love gun, (love gun), love gun

  5. weejee

    From this veteran's dazed perspective, opt out early & often with or without a flash dance.

    PS: As long as they let us take our laptops, iPads, and cell phones on da pwain boss, the whole fucking thing is theater save perhaps protecting us from dumb & dumber.

    1. Radiotherapy

      Oh, what can be sweeter than heading to grandma's the Wednesday before turkey day on I-70 and thru the cell towerless hinterlands of WV and WMaryland? 10+ hours of hell. I'd rather have repeated total body cavity searches by the TSA.

    2. V572625694

      Thumbs up to you. Not an expert on this (boring) topic, but going by car should have a small carbon footprint.

      1. Radiotherapy

        Having done the trip a hundred times, I prefer the PA turnpike. It is an half an hour faster and way better cell reception. A little tighter drive, but I know it so well. Avoid Wednesday and Sunday afternoon and evening. Either way, have a good trip, and don't argue with your teabagger relatives.

        Oh yeah, I am totally fascinated by Breezewood too. I think it is the only place in the Interstate system where you are forced to get off the same highway, drive thru a town and continue on the same highway. What was the political deal with that?

        1. Chet Kincaid

          Ha, I was just talking to someone about the Pennsylvania Turnpike a couple of weeks ago, but hadn't heard/thought the name "Breezewood" in 40 years! Back in the '60s, when I was a grade-schooler, we used to drive through Pennsylvania from Cleveland when my sister was in college in Philadelphia. I always loved going through the tunnels and stopping at Breezewood, where there were tons of fascinating comic books, toys, maps and other tourist-trappy attractions.

        1. kenlayisalive

          gah. I forgot about that. Didn't he eat bits of the guy while the people watched horrified through the windows?

          See, this is why I don't go outside.

          1. Ken Layne

            There was also the Greyhound Lunatic in … Kentucky? … a few days after 9/11, started killing people. The bus overturned? But it wasn't "terrorism" because the guy was Croatian or something … hard to remember all the constant insanity.

          2. kenlayisalive

            Probably got lost in the DC Sniper / Anthrax shuffle. What fantastically weird times right after 9/11 was.

            Gotta love the bus though. Of course I suppose if I watched someone be beheaded and eaten on one I might consider a car rental.

          3. Negropolis

            See, that's why I don't go to Canada.

            Greyhound needs a new slogan….

            "Greyhound: Now with 20% Less Beheadings!"

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      That's what I was going to suggest!

      Also, if I ask them very nicely, will they let me opt in for both the naked pictures and the groping? Never can be too secure!

  6. SayItWithWookies

    Don't do it — Homeland Security already has a response prepared. If you opt out, they make you look at a naked TSA agent.

  7. WriteyWriterton

    As always, I'm underwhelmed by TSA's endless preference for micro-managerial, technologically-driven "solutions" in lieu of cold shooting anyone in the face – IN THE FACE, AH SAY! – who gives them any lip, in a burqa or out.

  8. chickensmack

    No, wait. Better idea. Same day, same venues… but reverse it, and strip to your bare ass while in line. Ticket counter, restaurant, bathroom, the full-body scanner… wherever, it doesn't matter.

    Do it for Jesus. And tell people you're protesting, so they won't be as inclined to stare at your junk.

  9. LionelHutzEsq

    And how is making a horrendous travel day even worse going to teach TSA anything?

    Plus, why are these people so upset with the viewers? If you shove your gun or your bong up your ass, they still won't see it.

    1. natoslug

      I prefer storing my mouse in my ass (much better story when they were reporting an actual rodent rather than the 'puter type).

  10. V572625694

    It doesn't feel right to beat up on the Toiletries Scrutinization Administration drones at the airport, but what else have we got? Kip "Take-Off-Yer-Shoes-Fer-Freedumb" Hawley left w/the Chimpy Administration and there's nobody at all in charge of TSA. Obamar tried to appoint some hack and that got shot down. Seems like TSA's continuing their incompetence and waste in fine style without a leader.

  11. Extemporanus

    Hmm…

    Anyone know whether one of Mike Jerkoff's pornographic death-scan X-ray naked radiation tank child-porn tubes would fit in an '81 Dodge cargo van?

    Candy just ain't cuttin' it anymore…

  12. Tommmcattt

    Wait, if I refuse they are going to stick fingers in my ass?

    Hate to say it, but worse for them than for me, quite frankly. I'm 43 years old, and the time when my ass was a vaguely pleasant sight-even for persons inclined that way- is long past.

    Here's what we do: Let's all take a short trip…to see our mothers, say, with 50 or 60 of our closest friends. Then, as we reach the Nude-o-trons we all opt out, causing a huge bottleneck and forcing the TSA to plunge each and every one of our depths, so to speak. Do that 5 or 6 times and voila! TSA employees will quit in wretched disgust, and there will be so few replacements that they will have to discontinue the practice altogether, causing mass returns of the afore-mentioned nakeeboxes, sinking the company that makes them into absolute bankruptcy.

    Thus we will have revenge on Chertoff at last, and we will have done it with our buttholes. Perfect justice will be ours.

    My mother didn't raise any fools, that's for sure. You can take this plan to the BANK.

    1. Radiotherapy

      I was thinking everyone could show up in a Speedo or thong bikini. For Amerika. For patriotism. For sheetz and giggles.

    2. PublicLuxury

      What if I don't want to take it to the bank? What if I just want to jump you but not in a bank? What if millions of women storm the airport wanting to hop your boner? Think about that…

      1. Tommmcattt

        You're always complicating things. The beauty of this plan is its pure simplicity: BUTTHOLE JUSTICE.

        The rest is silence.

    3. Blendergoathead

      A-hem. I'm 42 years old, and I still have a great, rock-solid ass. What's going to blow their minds is the fact I'm going to walk into that scanner with the head of a GWB action figure stuck up it.

  13. MistaEko

    You might want to check this story. I'm pretty sure Chertoff has his hands full as Hoarde member #26 on The Walking Dead

    1. JustPixelz

      If you can see your penis without a mirror, you are not eating enough cheese fries.
      ________________
      Message brought to you by the American Cheese Fries Council. "If God didn't want us to eat cheese fries, He wouldn't have invented the elastic waistband."

  14. slappypaddy

    okay, i read all that. i didn't see any references to second amendment solutions. figures. i knew those teabaggers were full of chickenshit (that's why they don't want any intimate inspections of their persons).

  15. OneYieldRegular

    I've already been in one of these. I mistakenly thought I was simply going to be tele-transported to Newark.

  16. Gleem_McShineys

    I thought that during the whole Bush administration and its domestic wiretaps, the FOXist tard-rationale went something like "what are yeh fraid of, got sumptin ta hide? YOU A TERRIST??"

    Apparently privacy only matters when it is your comical "fun-size" junk being exposed.

  17. Wadisay

    Here's my solution: require the TSA guys can to say, to each airline passenger, Step this way, gerbil-dick, or, Whoa, check out the 20-pound pussy on her!.

  18. WordSaladNation

    It's a shame that I spent so much of my adolescence masturbating to sex scenes in Ken Follett novels when I could just as easily have been masturbating to the x-rays that my father, a doctor, brought home from the office each day.

  19. WriteyWriterton

    Will an obese Muslin mullah, outraged by his scan, declare a FATwa against TSA? I'll be here all week, godammit, so try the *&^%in' veal, you'll plotz, it's so tender.

  20. MuslinMosk

    I think the scanners are just as stupid as anyone else, but if I end up deciding to fly home for Thanksgiving, and I show up to the airport, and there's a giant line of people being douchebags that make me miss my flight because I didn't show up to the airport six hours early to account for their little protest, there's going to be a homegrown terrorist incident in the security line.

  21. PublicLuxury

    If I show 'em my tits without being asked do I get a coupon for a free Coke or something… maybe a cookie for the kids.

  22. PublicLuxury

    Maybe if they played that sexy stripper music people would get into it more. With the tips and such, maybe the economy would recover faster. Maybe more people would decide to fly the 'friendly' skies.

  23. Redhead

    Didn't they already have an issue when they were training TSA staffers with these things, where one of the staffers had to walk through it and got so much teasing over his small dick that he went nuts and shot his coworkers?

    I remember reading something about this and I'm 95% sure it wasn't on the Onion.

    1. scientivore

      He beat up one guy, as I recall. Still, a single felony conviction would cripple his ability to get jobs and housing for the rest of his life, so the rage must've been overwhelming to risk that.

  24. Troubledog

    I've done patdowns. Concert patdowns. At a Cure show. Listen, those travelers WANT you to touch them. They're begging for it.

  25. HistoriCat

    Ancillary to the main story but why the fuck are they scanning the pilots? I was under the impression they already had control of the aircraft so if they want to cause death and destruction they already have a handy weapon.

  26. SudsMcKenzie

    I'm too sexy for that scanner, too sexy for that scanner, too sexy.

    I'm too sexy for that pat, to sexy for that pat, what do you think of that.

  27. Beowoof

    I just went through one on my way to New Orleans tonight. As I was going through I was telling the guard that even though I have an average size dick, I wouldn't be starting any fights over it like that guy in Miami, if he started making jokes.

  28. transfatz

    Opt-out no scan passenger brain. Opt-out is Michael hungry now. No brain scan, what in fridge? Ah, good, fetus jar.

  29. lochnessmonster

    I saw Chertoff on C-SPAN WJ talking about these machines last year and how we need them in all airports. The host did make him admit he lobbys I DC. The other thinghe said was these machines are made in Canada…not even 'Mericun made 'chines looking at our chilruns privates!

  30. hagajim

    If a few trips through the scanner make me look like Michael Chertoff there's no way in hell I am going through there…they'll have to finger my ass instead

  31. zappadoo76

    C'mon guys, give Michael Chertoff a break. He's just trying to make a buck. That's not easy when you're a corpse.

Comments are closed.