premature obituaries

The Dream That Is Michele Bachmann Has Finally Died

Of death.For Michele Bachmann, this was the year. Her party took back the House. She raised more money than ever. She set up a PAC to buy the devotion of her colleagues. MICHELE BACHMANN WAS FINALLY GOING PLACES IN THIS WHOLE POWER THING. So she ran for Republican Conference leader. She was finally going to destroy and conquer the party leadership from the inside. Yet tonight, she’s given up. Her prospects were so bad she couldn’t even make it to the vote. And despite all the hype in this election, it’s a final nail in the coffin of crazy. Crazy was exploited by the old guard, but then when it really counted, crazy promptly lost. And so the terrifying vision of Michele Bachmann taking over this country has died. Big sale on Truck Nutz. FOR NOW.

The Minnesota Republican, a Tea Party standard-bearer, released a statement Wednesday night saying that she was endorsing Representative Jeb Hensarling of Texas for Republican Conference leader, the No. 4 position in the new House. (Pretty much simultaneously, he released a statement trumpeting her endorsement.)

And Tupac and Biggie released a statement from the sky trumpeting the arrival of Michele Bachmann’s grand political ambitions.

It’s all sort of sad. She’ll always have the cable news networks. She’ll always have YouTube. And she’ll have her fundraising e-mails. But she won’t be there standing behind every one of Boehner’s public statements emitting ear-splitting banshee noises. Today, this blog published its 30,000th post. And we’re not sure if this is a present or a lump of coal.

But everywhere a child cries from the physical pain of not having health care, Michele will be there. Everywhere the government thinks FOR A SECOND about helping its citizens, Michele will be there. And everywhere an American sees an American who is slightly different from him and assumes they can get along, Michele will be there. She will live on in each and everyone of us. Even if we go through chemotherapy for it. [NYT]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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      1. Tundra Grifter

        "Whisky and rye?" Isn't rye whisky? I know you didn't write the song, and it certainly isn't as deep as "Whiter Shade of Pale" – just wondering.

    1. James Michael Curley

      I think the prospects are pretty good considering he represents towns like Mesquite and Gun Barrel City (pop. 36, guns 4,562).

  1. Beanball

    She fades from the national scene like the Cheshire Cat, leaving nothing behind but her crazy eyes floating in the air.

    1. fatoots

      not quite a non-sequitur, but my daughter was just telling me that the Mad Hatter was indeed mad because hatters would clean hats with mercury, and become poisoned.
      Really, Michelle seems to embody every character in Alice in Wonderland.

      1. James Michael Curley

        The mercury was applied to beaver pelts to cure the skin but not remove the hair. Then the hatter would chew on the pelt to soften and stretch it.

  2. donner_froh

    The cruel reality of her situation dawned on Michelle around the same time as John Boehner said, "You want to get ahead in the Republican leadership you better give some head. On your knees, honey."

    So sad.

    1. SenileAgitation

      Given party proclivities, I think it more likely Michelle would be forced to don the House strap on and bugger Boner's backdoor until he cried out for Freedom.

    1. Sparky_McGruff

      Eric Cantor needs to learn how to unplug Boehner's phone. "No grandpa, I don't know why it's not working. Maybe it's time to go to bed."

      1. Crank_Tango

        Well, ya know I didn't want to go there, ("obviously") but since we're on the subject, we might as well dive right in. I bet she also has a gigantic, crazy bush, that she hides behind.

  3. GuanoFaucet

    Surely, crazy eyes and her legion of rascal-bound, batshit crazy followers will pursue second amendment remedies to right this clear violation of the people's will. Oh wait, these idiot assholes only threaten that when they lose to democrats. Nevermind.

    1. GuanoFaucet

      Well, he certainly has the traditional douchebag haircut necessary to assume a leadership position in the GOP. If he thinks global climate change is unpossible, because god said so, then he's a lock.

      1. Negropolis

        What does it mean to "assume a leadership position in the GOP"? Is that when you get on your knees and curl your lips into an "O"?

    2. Katydid

      His nose points straight to his dick. That's not a good look, for a man. Or a woman either, now that I think about it.

    3. Barrelhse

      I think he's the guy who was tapping his feet at me in the men's room, although in this pic his chin has been cleaned off so I can't be 100% certain.

    4. PublicLuxury

      How come his eyebrows aren't the same color as his hair? Does he use "Just for Men"? Maybe he uses 'Living' color #112

  4. JoshuaNorton

    Michelle and Co. are strictly the class clowns/useful idiots. They'll never be allowed to sit at the cool kids lunch table with the real wingnut Heathers.

    1. doloras

      … until Michelle gets roped into Glenn Beck's plan to kill all the House leadership and make it look like Obama did it suicide?

  5. bumfug

    Being totally fucking nuts isn't what killed Michelle's chance at the big time, oh no, it would take more than just THAT! She lost out because she's a cheap piece of shit and wouldn't share the Scrooge-McDuck's-swimming-pool-sized pile of money she vacuumed from the rubes' pockets with the other douchebags in her party. The ones who'd be voting for her to rise to a position of power. Or not.

  6. iburl 8/12/10:

    "WASHINGTON – Jeb Hensarling was a career political aide when he decided it was time to leave politics for business.

    Fresh from eight years with Sen. Phil Gramm, Hensarling quickly landed a job with a hedge fund managed by Sam and Charles Wyly, the Dallas brothers and loyal GOP donors. The young politico hitched his financial future to the entrepreneurial duo, investing his own wealth in the hedge fund and several other Wyly-owned companies.

    Despite a working relationship that spanned nearly a decade, Hensarling has rarely touted his work for the Wylys. The relationship was mostly a profitable one for Hensarling, whose experience with the Wylys helped him launch a consulting business and achieve a level of corporate success that would make him an attractive candidate when he ran for Congress in 2002."
    Hedge Fund Millionaires, yes, that's the type or rebel outsider grizzly fucker that the Teabaggers really lurv.

    1. Negropolis

      What makes it worse is that he started out as a political aide, went into business, and he's now a congressman. That's like insidery inside.

    2. Katydid

      Despite a working relationship that spanned nearly a decade, Hensarling has rarely touted his work for the Wylys.

      That's journamalism code for "wants to hide the fact that he's a corporate whore who has benefited from the revolving door."

  7. Negropolis

    "But she won’t be there standing behind every one of Boehner’s public statements emitting ear-splitting banshee noises."

    Oh, I wouldn't count that out. If she'll be there, she'll definitely be there, too…whether she's invited or not…foreverFor Freedumb. Also.

    1. talulabadula

      Did anyone see the use of Martin Luther King and Michelle Bachmann in the same sentence? Along with "dead as" ? Now that's ass hattery at it's finest.

  8. DoktorZoom

    Michelle, we hardly knew ye. OK, not really that. We knew ye far better than we really wanted to.

    More like, Michelle, we hardly knew what the fuck ye were getting at, ye gobshite harridan. May the cat eat you and the devil eat the cat.

  9. mavenmaven

    I suspect a sex scandal somewhere. She couldn't have just withdrawn like that. She must have done a blogger or something.

  10. imissopus

    It is a little disappointing in that I had hoped the GOP would truly go all in on the crazy. They've come so far, might as well double down. Ah well, they can still nominate Palin in 2012.

  11. emmelemm

    Um, I mean, don't get me wrong, this is good news. But it's not like she's OUT of Congress or anything. The headline… it misleads me.

    1. Negropolis

      Not really.

      Michelle Bachmann used to be the Queen of Crazy. Now she's just First Among Equals in Crazy. Bachmann's got some serious company (read: competition), now. She'll have to figure out how to better stick out.

      Perhaps, she could take a shit on the House floor while it's in session?

        1. Negropolis

          You know, House sessions might get to be so entertaining that they'll go pay-per-view. Even if we don't get them that far, perhaps will be able to compete with something at least on the level of the UK's Prime Minister's Questions.

  12. ShaveTheWhales

    If I gave a shit about Teatards, I might have some empathy for their possible confuzed as one of their klieg-light superstars is tossed into the gutter by the GOP, in favor of some anonymous Texan hedge-fund crook.

    But I don't, so suck it, Teatards. Welcome to the real world.

  13. Radiotherapy

    Even if we go through chemotherapy for it.

    Wait, what am I? Chopped liver?
    Radiotherapy, the other white meat poison.

  14. Extemporanus

    "Today this blog published its 30,000th post. And we’re not sure if this is a present or a lump of coal."

    I feel for you, BILF…

    With this very comment, I shall be but eight shy of just cold hittin' the ten Benji mark on our Worthly Wokette Cunt Skum Brigade's new-ish Intenseturbating Gravatard Poopblog 6000 political ridicule Internets attack platform.

    I'm torn between going all balls-out Godzilla bukkake on this bitch and getting off now, and picturing a Teabagger-Rascal-Grizzly "Lemon Party" in an effort to hold out a little bit longer…

  15. Office_39

    I am disappointed. My primary sexual fantasy has been to bang Bachmann against the House wall, mid-session. But if she isn't going to be Republican Conference leader it doesn't work any more.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      My primary sexual fantasy has been to bang Bachmann against the House wall, mid-session.

      With a tire iron, presumably?

    2. Tundra Grifter

      Are you old enough to remember the Playboy photos of Rita Jenrette? (Hope I spelled her name correctly.) She claimed to have have rabid weasel sex with her husband on the Capitol steps. After seeing her photos, I believe it.

  16. HedonismBot

    With the Teapublicans in power and health care restored to its rightful place as the prerogative of our betters, I think most of us won't be allowed the opportunity to go through chemotherapy.
    However, I have seen Bachmann in the pique of my fever dreams.

  17. WordSaladNation

    Here's an excerpt from Michele's speech endorsing Jeb Hensarling:

    "I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: 'The people — we the people — are going to have to fight back hard if we're not going to lose our country.'

    I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Arizona, the sons of real American patriots and the sons of dirty illegal immigrants will be able to sit down across the table from one another in the visiting room of the federal prison, and only the patriots will be able to leave after visiting hours are over, if you know what I mean.

    I have a dream that one day even the state of Massachusetts, a state sweltering with the heat of liberalism, sweltering with the heat of socialism, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice, or just swallowed up into the ocean, one or the other.

    I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will again be judged by the color of the skin, not by the content of their character.

    I have a dream today!"

  18. lochnessmonster

    Why would she worry about some kid, she's got her healthcare paid for by the kids parents – her botox treatments for life.

  19. YasserArraFeck

    If you think Michele's down and out, you're sadly mistaken. That level of crazee is never defeated in the first round. She will keep coming back – think Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers, Chuckie.

  20. neiltheblaze

    So all the camera and microphone hogging came to naught, eh Michele? All that rousing of the Rascal-bound rabble comes up a cropper. Poor bitch.

    Who will step up and conduct the un-American activities witch hunts now, hmmm? This is a sad, sad day for Amerika.

  21. BarackMyWorld

    I have a theory about Mrs. Bachmann, but sometimes I decide it would be better to keep my meaner thoughts to myself. And that is why I can never work in AM radio.

  22. obfuscator2

    so you stay out late at night
    and you drink your tea for free
    drivin' your friends crazy
    with your life's insanity

    well, well, well.

    you just can't tell.

    well, well, well, my michele.

    1. 4TheTurnstiles

      So come on, stop your cryin' cause we both know money burns;
      Honey don't stop tryin' and you'll get what you deserve

  23. CapeClod

    You have to be really on guard when you dump your hot, crazy girlfriend. I see a dead rabbit in John Boehner's future.

  24. Tundra Grifter

    The T-Baggers got picked up at closing time because the GNoP was desperate and alone, were taken to a cheap motel and endured some drunken fumbling based on bourbon-breath promises (and in several cases involving candidates favored by Sarah Palin failed to be able to whip it up and perform), and now the phone just sits there and doesn’t ring.

    Just who is surprised by this outcome?

  25. Mindblank

    I have hope for her: hope that she'll intrepidly find some way to be an albatross around the neck of the Republican party. She has the grit. She has the gumption. She has the meta-crazy.

  26. widestanceroman

    Don't know crap about one Krisi Noem (R/SD) seen at TPM this morning, but at first glance, she looks like the hot new piece (eyes just as crazy as Bachmann, but with freshly banged–and frankly, dirty–hair).

    Boner to Michele: those shirts ain't gonna iron themselves, House Frau.

    1. Amo_of_Bogio

      Widestanceroman is on to something with Ms. Kristi Noem. She owns shit for a living, is a terrible driver & looks bangable in a dirty, evangelical xtian, soccer mom kind of way.

  27. DeLand_DeLakes

    It just goes to show the extent of the "feminism" that Bachmann and her crazy-cunt-in-arms Palin have been nonsensically claiming for themselves–they might whine about the "old boy's club" to make a point about how the librul media is being so meeaaannnnnnn to them, but when the old boys snap their fingers, they just fall into line right behind Boner's cancerous ass, grinning like zombies.

  28. ttommyunger

    Guess Hensarling gives a better Boehner-Hummer than Michelle. Not surprising, you work your way up off of your knees when you go the Hedge Fund route; on video, just to make sure you don't change your mind later.

  29. bitchincamaro2

    Boehner may have kicked her in the caboose, but Michelle will always be driving the crazy train for the GOP.

  30. LeAlbatross

    She's not gone, dead or fading. She'll still have her whackaloons, still be in the forefront of misinformed reactionary dipshits, still be the darling of the right. Just like Palin.

    My liver is going to have a rough two years.

  31. GOPCrusher

    No side post of her Facebook wall being lit up with cries of "TRAITOR!" or Bible Spice tweeting "MICHELE, DON'T RETREAT, RELOAD!"?
    I call bullshit.

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