premature obituaries

The Dream That Is Michele Bachmann Has Finally Died

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Of death.For Michele Bachmann, this was the year. Her party took back the House. She raised more money than ever. She set up a PAC to buy the devotion of her colleagues. MICHELE BACHMANN WAS FINALLY GOING PLACES IN THIS WHOLE POWER THING. So she ran for Republican Conference leader. She was finally going to destroy and conquer the party leadership from the inside. Yet tonight, she’s given up. Her prospects were so bad she couldn’t even make it to the vote. And despite all the hype in this election, it’s a final nail in the coffin of crazy. Crazy was exploited by the old guard, but then when it really counted, crazy promptly lost. And so the terrifying vision of Michele Bachmann taking over this country has died. Big sale on Truck Nutz. FOR NOW.

The Minnesota Republican, a Tea Party standard-bearer, released a statement Wednesday night saying that she was endorsing Representative Jeb Hensarling of Texas for Republican Conference leader, the No. 4 position in the new House. (Pretty much simultaneously, he released a statement trumpeting her endorsement.)

And Tupac and Biggie released a statement from the sky trumpeting the arrival of Michele Bachmann’s grand political ambitions.

It’s all sort of sad. She’ll always have the cable news networks. She’ll always have YouTube. And she’ll have her fundraising e-mails. But she won’t be there standing behind every one of Boehner’s public statements emitting ear-splitting banshee noises. Today, this blog published its 30,000th post. And we’re not sure if this is a present or a lump of coal.

But everywhere a child cries from the physical pain of not having health care, Michele will be there. Everywhere the government thinks FOR A SECOND about helping its citizens, Michele will be there. And everywhere an American sees an American who is slightly different from him and assumes they can get along, Michele will be there. She will live on in each and everyone of us. Even if we go through chemotherapy for it. [NYT]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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Comments

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  • Ramotional

    thus freeing her up for Palin/Bachmann '12.

  • My_pal_HAL

    No Bachmann Boner Overdrive. This is the night the music died.

    • fatoots

      Bye, Bye, Real 'Murikan cry?

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      No tax-payer money for Chevy or for levies!!1!

    • lochnessmonster

      Hahaha

    • http://wonkette.com Dr_pangloss

      And good ole (orange)boys are drinking whisky and rye.

      • Tundra Grifter

        "Whisky and rye?" Isn't rye whisky? I know you didn't write the song, and it certainly isn't as deep as "Whiter Shade of Pale" – just wondering.

  • OkieDokieDog

    So this means we can't expect much from this Jeb from Texas guy either, right?

    • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

      He's gonna have to show some skin, that's all I know.

    • James Michael Curley

      I think the prospects are pretty good considering he represents towns like Mesquite and Gun Barrel City (pop. 36, guns 4,562).

  • tbogg

    Her fans have been left at the altar, insane-fucking nothing but air. How very sad yet totally expected

  • Beanball

    She fades from the national scene like the Cheshire Cat, leaving nothing behind but her crazy eyes floating in the air.

    • fatoots

      not quite a non-sequitur, but my daughter was just telling me that the Mad Hatter was indeed mad because hatters would clean hats with mercury, and become poisoned.
      Really, Michelle seems to embody every character in Alice in Wonderland.

      • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

        Especially the Cheshire Cunt.

      • James Michael Curley

        The mercury was applied to beaver pelts to cure the skin but not remove the hair. Then the hatter would chew on the pelt to soften and stretch it.

  • http://drinkiesinthe253.blogspot.com/ drrty_martini

    And Sara Benincasa channeling Michele for the pleasure and delight of Wonketeers, right? Please?

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    The cruel reality of her situation dawned on Michelle around the same time as John Boehner said, "You want to get ahead in the Republican leadership you better give some head. On your knees, honey."

    So sad.

    • SenileAgitation

      Given party proclivities, I think it more likely Michelle would be forced to don the House strap on and bugger Boner's backdoor until he cried out for Freedom.

      • Gleem_McShineys

        Oh Drill, Baby, Drill
        His orangey mangina
        Yes. "Orangina."

  • http://littlewanking.blogspot.com/ harry_palmer

    John Boner's future promises a lot of weepy hysterical drunk-dials.

    • Sparky_McGruff

      Eric Cantor needs to learn how to unplug Boehner's phone. "No grandpa, I don't know why it's not working. Maybe it's time to go to bed."

  • Crank_Tango

    Shhhh… I think she's hiding behind that bush over there. No, not THAT bush.

    • fatoots

      Christine's?

      • Crank_Tango

        Well, ya know I didn't want to go there, ("obviously") but since we're on the subject, we might as well dive right in. I bet she also has a gigantic, crazy bush, that she hides behind.

        • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

          She's a Wisconsin Synod Lutheran. It's a burning bush.

          • horsedreamer_1

            Explains so much.

  • GuanoFaucet

    Surely, crazy eyes and her legion of rascal-bound, batshit crazy followers will pursue second amendment remedies to right this clear violation of the people's will. Oh wait, these idiot assholes only threaten that when they lose to democrats. Nevermind.

    • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

      Again, she's a Wisconsin Synod Lutheran. She'll employ Second Corinthians remedies.

  • Lucidamente1

    Don't cry, Wonketteers, Rep. Jeb Hensarling will bring you all the laughs you need: http://hensarling.house.gov/Jeb-Headshot.jpg

    • GuanoFaucet

      Well, he certainly has the traditional douchebag haircut necessary to assume a leadership position in the GOP. If he thinks global climate change is unpossible, because god said so, then he's a lock.

      • Negropolis

        What does it mean to "assume a leadership position in the GOP"? Is that when you get on your knees and curl your lips into an "O"?

      • Radiotherapy

        The chlamydia-yellow teeth an inspiration to wonkateers everywhere.

    • Chet Kincaid
      • finallyhappy

        Yes, I knew he looked familiar- I was thinking the Minnie Pearl Show but you got it.

      • horsedreamer_1

        I'm thinking more retiring Michigan Blue Dog Stupak Shakur, before he went grey.

    • jodyleek

      Just a few freckles shy of "What, me worry?".

    • Katydid

      His nose points straight to his dick. That's not a good look, for a man. Or a woman either, now that I think about it.

    • Barrelhse

      I think he's the guy who was tapping his feet at me in the men's room, although in this pic his chin has been cleaned off so I can't be 100% certain.

    • elviouslyqueer

      See also: Grin, shit-eating.

      • http://www.wingnutcomments.com thecryingeagle

        He looks like someone I should have beaten up in high school.

    • PublicLuxury

      How come his eyebrows aren't the same color as his hair? Does he use "Just for Men"? Maybe he uses 'Living' color #112

  • trampndirtdown

    The only Tom Joad reference i want is this one http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMaCg4fpJKg

  • JoshuaNorton

    Michelle and Co. are strictly the class clowns/useful idiots. They'll never be allowed to sit at the cool kids lunch table with the real wingnut Heathers.

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      +1000 pee points for bringing Heathers into this conversation!

    • doloras

      … until Michelle gets roped into Glenn Beck's plan to kill all the House leadership and make it look like Obama did it suicide?

  • psilage

    She'll be the power-up behind the thrown-up.

  • nounverb911

    Time for the teabaggers to secede from the republican party.

  • bumfug

    Being totally fucking nuts isn't what killed Michelle's chance at the big time, oh no, it would take more than just THAT! She lost out because she's a cheap piece of shit and wouldn't share the Scrooge-McDuck's-swimming-pool-sized pile of money she vacuumed from the rubes' pockets with the other douchebags in her party. The ones who'd be voting for her to rise to a position of power. Or not.

    • An_Outhouse

      If the tight twat has learned to loosen up a bit she has a shot at the Boner next time.

  • iburl

    dallasnews.com 8/12/10:

    "WASHINGTON – Jeb Hensarling was a career political aide when he decided it was time to leave politics for business.

    Fresh from eight years with Sen. Phil Gramm, Hensarling quickly landed a job with a hedge fund managed by Sam and Charles Wyly, the Dallas brothers and loyal GOP donors. The young politico hitched his financial future to the entrepreneurial duo, investing his own wealth in the hedge fund and several other Wyly-owned companies.

    Despite a working relationship that spanned nearly a decade, Hensarling has rarely touted his work for the Wylys. The relationship was mostly a profitable one for Hensarling, whose experience with the Wylys helped him launch a consulting business and achieve a level of corporate success that would make him an attractive candidate when he ran for Congress in 2002."
    —————
    Hedge Fund Millionaires, yes, that's the type or rebel outsider grizzly fucker that the Teabaggers really lurv.

    • Negropolis

      What makes it worse is that he started out as a political aide, went into business, and he's now a congressman. That's like insidery inside.

      • Radiotherapy

        The medical term is fistula. And there is nothing good about it.

        • ShaveTheWhales

          Wait a second. Isn't it more like the second-stage Alien?

    • Chet Kincaid

      Performing Hensarlingus on a succession of Sugar Daddies is the key to wingtard success.

    • Katydid

      Despite a working relationship that spanned nearly a decade, Hensarling has rarely touted his work for the Wylys.

      That's journamalism code for "wants to hide the fact that he's a corporate whore who has benefited from the revolving door."

  • Negropolis

    "But she won’t be there standing behind every one of Boehner’s public statements emitting ear-splitting banshee noises."

    Oh, I wouldn't count that out. If she'll be there, she'll definitely be there, too…whether she's invited or not…foreverFor Freedumb. Also.

    • talulabadula

      Did anyone see the use of Martin Luther King and Michelle Bachmann in the same sentence? Along with "dead as" ? Now that's ass hattery at it's finest.

  • Mumbletypeg

    Trying to imagine Michael Steele's reaction.

    "I got 99 problems but that bitch ain't one…"

    • HedonismBot

      Michael WHO?
      Oh yeah. That guy. Funny. Haven't heard much about him lately.

      • LetUsBray

        He's still waiting for Grover to get his darn soup order right.

  • DoktorZoom

    Michelle, we hardly knew ye. OK, not really that. We knew ye far better than we really wanted to.

    More like, Michelle, we hardly knew what the fuck ye were getting at, ye gobshite harridan. May the cat eat you and the devil eat the cat.

    • jim89048

      My new favourite Irish blessing!

  • mavenmaven

    I suspect a sex scandal somewhere. She couldn't have just withdrawn like that. She must have done a blogger or something.

    • zhubajie

      Larry Craig. In a public toilet.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Thirty comments in and no one has yet asserted that this is good news for John McCain?

    • HedonismBot

      That just goes without saying.

  • DashboardBuddha

    GOP to MB: You served your purpose…fuck along now.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    It is a little disappointing in that I had hoped the GOP would truly go all in on the crazy. They've come so far, might as well double down. Ah well, they can still nominate Palin in 2012.

    • jim89048

      They appear to be learning that you never go full retard.

  • emmelemm

    Um, I mean, don't get me wrong, this is good news. But it's not like she's OUT of Congress or anything. The headline… it misleads me.

    • Negropolis

      Not really.

      Michelle Bachmann used to be the Queen of Crazy. Now she's just First Among Equals in Crazy. Bachmann's got some serious company (read: competition), now. She'll have to figure out how to better stick out.

      Perhaps, she could take a shit on the House floor while it's in session?

      • emmelemm

        And suddenly, everyone's actually watching C-SPAN!

        • Negropolis

          You know, House sessions might get to be so entertaining that they'll go pay-per-view. Even if we don't get them that far, perhaps will be able to compete with something at least on the level of the UK's Prime Minister's Questions.

          • HistoriCat

            We should be so lucky. That is some great television. "Hear, hear!"

    • BarackMyWorld

      Misleading? I thought for a second she was dead!

  • ShaveTheWhales

    If I gave a shit about Teatards, I might have some empathy for their possible confuzed as one of their klieg-light superstars is tossed into the gutter by the GOP, in favor of some anonymous Texan hedge-fund crook.

    But I don't, so suck it, Teatards. Welcome to the real world.

  • Radiotherapy

    Even if we go through chemotherapy for it.

    Wait, what am I? Chopped liver?
    Radiotherapy, the other white meat poison.

    • user-of-owls

      Radiotherapy: It's what's for dinner*

      *Now with extra hookworm fighting power!

  • chascates

    Don't cry for her, Argentina. When Palin is in the Oval Office Bachmann will be in the cabinet.

  • Extemporanus

    "Today this blog published its 30,000th post. And we’re not sure if this is a present or a lump of coal."

    I feel for you, BILF…

    With this very comment, I shall be but eight shy of just cold hittin' the ten Benji mark on our Worthly Wokette Cunt Skum Brigade's new-ish Intenseturbating Gravatard Poopblog 6000 political ridicule Internets attack platform.

    I'm torn between going all balls-out Godzilla bukkake on this bitch and getting off now, and picturing a Teabagger-Rascal-Grizzly "Lemon Party" in an effort to hold out a little bit longer…

  • Office_39

    I am disappointed. My primary sexual fantasy has been to bang Bachmann against the House wall, mid-session. But if she isn't going to be Republican Conference leader it doesn't work any more.

    • elviouslyqueer

      My primary sexual fantasy has been to bang Bachmann against the House wall, mid-session.

      With a tire iron, presumably?

    • Tundra Grifter

      Are you old enough to remember the Playboy photos of Rita Jenrette? (Hope I spelled her name correctly.) She claimed to have have rabid weasel sex with her husband on the Capitol steps. After seeing her photos, I believe it.

      • GOPCrusher

        She was pretty fucking hot.

  • HedonismBot

    With the Teapublicans in power and health care restored to its rightful place as the prerogative of our betters, I think most of us won't be allowed the opportunity to go through chemotherapy.
    However, I have seen Bachmann in the pique of my fever dreams.

  • http://wonkette.com WordSaladNation

    Here's an excerpt from Michele's speech endorsing Jeb Hensarling:

    "I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: 'The people — we the people — are going to have to fight back hard if we're not going to lose our country.'

    I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Arizona, the sons of real American patriots and the sons of dirty illegal immigrants will be able to sit down across the table from one another in the visiting room of the federal prison, and only the patriots will be able to leave after visiting hours are over, if you know what I mean.

    I have a dream that one day even the state of Massachusetts, a state sweltering with the heat of liberalism, sweltering with the heat of socialism, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice, or just swallowed up into the ocean, one or the other.

    I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will again be judged by the color of the skin, not by the content of their character.

    I have a dream today!"

  • Oblios_Cap

    Hensarling? Is that like chicken fucking?

    • Oblios_Cap

      Happy endings are good.

    • user-of-owls

      I think it might be one of those weird obscure 'sports' that only Canadians or Scots play.

  • lochnessmonster

    Why would she worry about some kid, she's got her healthcare paid for by the kids parents – her botox treatments for life.

  • YasserArraFeck

    If you think Michele's down and out, you're sadly mistaken. That level of crazee is never defeated in the first round. She will keep coming back – think Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers, Chuckie.

    • FNMA

      And as everybody knows, wounded crazy is powerful crazy.

  • neiltheblaze

    So all the camera and microphone hogging came to naught, eh Michele? All that rousing of the Rascal-bound rabble comes up a cropper. Poor bitch.

    Who will step up and conduct the un-American activities witch hunts now, hmmm? This is a sad, sad day for Amerika.

  • BarackMyWorld

    I have a theory about Mrs. Bachmann, but sometimes I decide it would be better to keep my meaner thoughts to myself. And that is why I can never work in AM radio.

  • obfuscator2

    so you stay out late at night
    and you drink your tea for free
    drivin' your friends crazy
    with your life's insanity

    well, well, well.

    you just can't tell.

    well, well, well, my michele.

    • 4TheTurnstiles

      So come on, stop your cryin' cause we both know money burns;
      Honey don't stop tryin' and you'll get what you deserve

  • horsedreamer_1

    She will not be ignored.

    & DC area petstores have put the rabbits under glass.

  • user-of-owls

    Una furtiva lagrima
    negli occhi suoi spuntò:
    Quelle festose giovani
    invidiar sembrò.

    • x111e7thst

      Ah, cielo! Si può! Si, può morir!
      Di più non chiedo

  • http://westernhero.blogspot.com/ silverfiddle

    If a republican is "finished" for merely losing a leadership contest, then the dems have been destroyed by the electorate.

  • Mort_Sinclair

    Say what you want about Bachmann, but who are the deranged dumbfucks who keep electing her?

    • DeLand_DeLakes

      The people I grew up with. And yes, my queer ass only just made it out alive.

  • CapeClod

    You have to be really on guard when you dump your hot, crazy girlfriend. I see a dead rabbit in John Boehner's future.

  • chickensmack

    An apostolic Pentecostal woman should show subservience to men in the House. God is pleased.

  • HempDogbane

    She's still going to be 4th ranking on the Fox Republican Leadership Team, right?

  • Tundra Grifter

    The T-Baggers got picked up at closing time because the GNoP was desperate and alone, were taken to a cheap motel and endured some drunken fumbling based on bourbon-breath promises (and in several cases involving candidates favored by Sarah Palin failed to be able to whip it up and perform), and now the phone just sits there and doesn’t ring.

    Just who is surprised by this outcome?

  • Katydid

    Michele is probably not too hot for Boner right now, the way she is hot for Jesus. She's probably hot for Jesus's boner, though.

  • The_Great_Gazoo

    I betcha when she endorsed Hensarling she looked like a hen snarling.

  • Mindblank

    I have hope for her: hope that she'll intrepidly find some way to be an albatross around the neck of the Republican party. She has the grit. She has the gumption. She has the meta-crazy.

  • Barrelhse

    I did the chemo but she's still there. Maybe radiation?

  • widestanceroman

    Don't know crap about one Krisi Noem (R/SD) seen at TPM this morning, but at first glance, she looks like the hot new piece (eyes just as crazy as Bachmann, but with freshly banged–and frankly, dirty–hair).

    Boner to Michele: those shirts ain't gonna iron themselves, House Frau.

    • jim89048

      This is what Brisket Palin will look like when she grows up. Scary!

    • Amo_of_Bogio

      Widestanceroman is on to something with Ms. Kristi Noem. She owns shit for a living, is a terrible driver & looks bangable in a dirty, evangelical xtian, soccer mom kind of way.

  • DeLand_DeLakes

    It just goes to show the extent of the "feminism" that Bachmann and her crazy-cunt-in-arms Palin have been nonsensically claiming for themselves–they might whine about the "old boy's club" to make a point about how the librul media is being so meeaaannnnnnn to them, but when the old boys snap their fingers, they just fall into line right behind Boner's cancerous ass, grinning like zombies.

  • ttommyunger

    Guess Hensarling gives a better Boehner-Hummer than Michelle. Not surprising, you work your way up off of your knees when you go the Hedge Fund route; on video, just to make sure you don't change your mind later.

  • thefrontpage

    Bachmann should resign, effective immediately. She is unqualified to hold any political office.

  • bitchincamaro2

    Boehner may have kicked her in the caboose, but Michelle will always be driving the crazy train for the GOP.

  • LeAlbatross

    She's not gone, dead or fading. She'll still have her whackaloons, still be in the forefront of misinformed reactionary dipshits, still be the darling of the right. Just like Palin.

    My liver is going to have a rough two years.

  • GOPCrusher

    No side post of her Facebook wall being lit up with cries of "TRAITOR!" or Bible Spice tweeting "MICHELE, DON'T RETREAT, RELOAD!"?
    I call bullshit.

  • TanzbodenKoenig

    Nobody puts crazy in a corner!

  • bringmeanaxe

    If only all the Teabaggers could realize that crazy is the new crazy.

  • MinAgain

    Please. Until someone throws a bucket of water on her, the crazy will continue.

  • Troubledog

    Never forget.