PREMATURE OBITUARIES  11:26 pm November 10, 2010

The Dream That Is Michele Bachmann Has Finally Died

by Jack Stuef

Of death.For Michele Bachmann, this was the year. Her party took back the House. She raised more money than ever. She set up a PAC to buy the devotion of her colleagues. MICHELE BACHMANN WAS FINALLY GOING PLACES IN THIS WHOLE POWER THING. So she ran for Republican Conference leader. She was finally going to destroy and conquer the party leadership from the inside. Yet tonight, she’s given up. Her prospects were so bad she couldn’t even make it to the vote. And despite all the hype in this election, it’s a final nail in the coffin of crazy. Crazy was exploited by the old guard, but then when it really counted, crazy promptly lost. And so the terrifying vision of Michele Bachmann taking over this country has died. Big sale on Truck Nutz. FOR NOW.

The Minnesota Republican, a Tea Party standard-bearer, released a statement Wednesday night saying that she was endorsing Representative Jeb Hensarling of Texas for Republican Conference leader, the No. 4 position in the new House. (Pretty much simultaneously, he released a statement trumpeting her endorsement.)

And Tupac and Biggie released a statement from the sky trumpeting the arrival of Michele Bachmann’s grand political ambitions.

It’s all sort of sad. She’ll always have the cable news networks. She’ll always have YouTube. And she’ll have her fundraising e-mails. But she won’t be there standing behind every one of Boehner’s public statements emitting ear-splitting banshee noises. Today, this blog published its 30,000th post. And we’re not sure if this is a present or a lump of coal.

But everywhere a child cries from the physical pain of not having health care, Michele will be there. Everywhere the government thinks FOR A SECOND about helping its citizens, Michele will be there. And everywhere an American sees an American who is slightly different from him and assumes they can get along, Michele will be there. She will live on in each and everyone of us. Even if we go through chemotherapy for it. [NYT]

 
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{ 123 comments }

Ramotional November 10, 2010 at 11:34 pm

thus freeing her up for Palin/Bachmann '12.

My_pal_HAL November 10, 2010 at 11:36 pm

No Bachmann Boner Overdrive. This is the night the music died.

fatoots November 11, 2010 at 12:03 am

Bye, Bye, Real 'Murikan cry?

Bonzos_Bed_Time November 11, 2010 at 1:20 am

No tax-payer money for Chevy or for levies!!1!

lochnessmonster November 11, 2010 at 6:58 am

Hahaha

Dr_pangloss November 11, 2010 at 9:19 am

And good ole (orange)boys are drinking whisky and rye.

Tundra Grifter November 11, 2010 at 9:29 am

"Whisky and rye?" Isn't rye whisky? I know you didn't write the song, and it certainly isn't as deep as "Whiter Shade of Pale" – just wondering.

OkieDokieDog November 10, 2010 at 11:44 pm

So this means we can't expect much from this Jeb from Texas guy either, right?

Zvi_Bleindmeis November 11, 2010 at 8:05 am

He's gonna have to show some skin, that's all I know.

James Michael Curley November 11, 2010 at 9:00 am

I think the prospects are pretty good considering he represents towns like Mesquite and Gun Barrel City (pop. 36, guns 4,562).

tbogg November 10, 2010 at 11:48 pm

Her fans have been left at the altar, insane-fucking nothing but air. How very sad yet totally expected

Beanball November 10, 2010 at 11:51 pm

She fades from the national scene like the Cheshire Cat, leaving nothing behind but her crazy eyes floating in the air.

fatoots November 11, 2010 at 12:08 am

not quite a non-sequitur, but my daughter was just telling me that the Mad Hatter was indeed mad because hatters would clean hats with mercury, and become poisoned.
Really, Michelle seems to embody every character in Alice in Wonderland.

Zvi_Bleindmeis November 11, 2010 at 8:07 am

Especially the Cheshire Cunt.

James Michael Curley November 11, 2010 at 9:03 am

The mercury was applied to beaver pelts to cure the skin but not remove the hair. Then the hatter would chew on the pelt to soften and stretch it.

drrty_martini November 10, 2010 at 11:57 pm

And Sara Benincasa channeling Michele for the pleasure and delight of Wonketeers, right? Please?

donner_froh November 11, 2010 at 12:01 am

The cruel reality of her situation dawned on Michelle around the same time as John Boehner said, "You want to get ahead in the Republican leadership you better give some head. On your knees, honey."

So sad.

SenileAgitation November 11, 2010 at 10:17 am

Given party proclivities, I think it more likely Michelle would be forced to don the House strap on and bugger Boner's backdoor until he cried out for Freedom.

Gleem_McShineys November 11, 2010 at 1:38 pm

Oh Drill, Baby, Drill
His orangey mangina
Yes. "Orangina."

harry_palmer November 11, 2010 at 12:07 am

John Boner's future promises a lot of weepy hysterical drunk-dials.

Sparky_McGruff November 11, 2010 at 7:57 am

Eric Cantor needs to learn how to unplug Boehner's phone. "No grandpa, I don't know why it's not working. Maybe it's time to go to bed."

Crank_Tango November 11, 2010 at 12:08 am

Shhhh… I think she's hiding behind that bush over there. No, not THAT bush.

fatoots November 11, 2010 at 12:09 am

Christine's?

Crank_Tango November 11, 2010 at 12:16 am

Well, ya know I didn't want to go there, ("obviously") but since we're on the subject, we might as well dive right in. I bet she also has a gigantic, crazy bush, that she hides behind.

Zvi_Bleindmeis November 11, 2010 at 8:08 am

She's a Wisconsin Synod Lutheran. It's a burning bush.

horsedreamer_1 November 11, 2010 at 8:26 am

Explains so much.

GuanoFaucet November 11, 2010 at 12:12 am

Surely, crazy eyes and her legion of rascal-bound, batshit crazy followers will pursue second amendment remedies to right this clear violation of the people's will. Oh wait, these idiot assholes only threaten that when they lose to democrats. Nevermind.

Zvi_Bleindmeis November 11, 2010 at 8:10 am

Again, she's a Wisconsin Synod Lutheran. She'll employ Second Corinthians remedies.

Lucidamente1 November 11, 2010 at 12:20 am

Don't cry, Wonketteers, Rep. Jeb Hensarling will bring you all the laughs you need: http://hensarling.house.gov/Jeb-Headshot.jpg

GuanoFaucet November 11, 2010 at 12:27 am

Well, he certainly has the traditional douchebag haircut necessary to assume a leadership position in the GOP. If he thinks global climate change is unpossible, because god said so, then he's a lock.

Negropolis November 11, 2010 at 1:05 am

What does it mean to "assume a leadership position in the GOP"? Is that when you get on your knees and curl your lips into an "O"?

Radiotherapy November 11, 2010 at 3:09 am

The chlamydia-yellow teeth an inspiration to wonkateers everywhere.

Chet Kincaid November 11, 2010 at 12:39 am
finallyhappy November 11, 2010 at 8:24 am

Yes, I knew he looked familiar- I was thinking the Minnie Pearl Show but you got it.

horsedreamer_1 November 11, 2010 at 8:28 am

I'm thinking more retiring Michigan Blue Dog Stupak Shakur, before he went grey.

jodyleek November 11, 2010 at 9:29 am

Just a few freckles shy of "What, me worry?".

Katydid November 11, 2010 at 9:41 am

His nose points straight to his dick. That's not a good look, for a man. Or a woman either, now that I think about it.

Barrelhse November 11, 2010 at 10:27 am

I think he's the guy who was tapping his feet at me in the men's room, although in this pic his chin has been cleaned off so I can't be 100% certain.

elviouslyqueer November 11, 2010 at 10:37 am

See also: Grin, shit-eating.

thecryingeagle November 11, 2010 at 1:35 pm

He looks like someone I should have beaten up in high school.

PublicLuxury November 11, 2010 at 2:13 pm

How come his eyebrows aren't the same color as his hair? Does he use "Just for Men"? Maybe he uses 'Living' color #112

trampndirtdown November 11, 2010 at 12:25 am

The only Tom Joad reference i want is this one http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMaCg4fpJKg

JoshuaNorton November 11, 2010 at 12:26 am

Michelle and Co. are strictly the class clowns/useful idiots. They'll never be allowed to sit at the cool kids lunch table with the real wingnut Heathers.

Bonzos_Bed_Time November 11, 2010 at 1:23 am

+1000 pee points for bringing Heathers into this conversation!

doloras November 11, 2010 at 2:46 pm

… until Michelle gets roped into Glenn Beck's plan to kill all the House leadership and make it look like Obama did it suicide?

psilage November 11, 2010 at 12:32 am

She'll be the power-up behind the thrown-up.

nounverb911 November 11, 2010 at 12:52 am

Time for the teabaggers to secede from the republican party.

bumfug November 11, 2010 at 1:02 am

Being totally fucking nuts isn't what killed Michelle's chance at the big time, oh no, it would take more than just THAT! She lost out because she's a cheap piece of shit and wouldn't share the Scrooge-McDuck's-swimming-pool-sized pile of money she vacuumed from the rubes' pockets with the other douchebags in her party. The ones who'd be voting for her to rise to a position of power. Or not.

An_Outhouse November 11, 2010 at 12:10 pm

If the tight twat has learned to loosen up a bit she has a shot at the Boner next time.

iburl November 11, 2010 at 1:05 am

dallasnews.com 8/12/10:

"WASHINGTON – Jeb Hensarling was a career political aide when he decided it was time to leave politics for business.

Fresh from eight years with Sen. Phil Gramm, Hensarling quickly landed a job with a hedge fund managed by Sam and Charles Wyly, the Dallas brothers and loyal GOP donors. The young politico hitched his financial future to the entrepreneurial duo, investing his own wealth in the hedge fund and several other Wyly-owned companies.

Despite a working relationship that spanned nearly a decade, Hensarling has rarely touted his work for the Wylys. The relationship was mostly a profitable one for Hensarling, whose experience with the Wylys helped him launch a consulting business and achieve a level of corporate success that would make him an attractive candidate when he ran for Congress in 2002."
—————
Hedge Fund Millionaires, yes, that's the type or rebel outsider grizzly fucker that the Teabaggers really lurv.

Negropolis November 11, 2010 at 1:43 am

What makes it worse is that he started out as a political aide, went into business, and he's now a congressman. That's like insidery inside.

Radiotherapy November 11, 2010 at 3:12 am

The medical term is fistula. And there is nothing good about it.

ShaveTheWhales November 11, 2010 at 4:04 am

Wait a second. Isn't it more like the second-stage Alien?

Chet Kincaid November 11, 2010 at 9:39 am

Performing Hensarlingus on a succession of Sugar Daddies is the key to wingtard success.

Katydid November 11, 2010 at 9:44 am

Despite a working relationship that spanned nearly a decade, Hensarling has rarely touted his work for the Wylys.

That's journamalism code for "wants to hide the fact that he's a corporate whore who has benefited from the revolving door."

Negropolis November 11, 2010 at 1:07 am

"But she won’t be there standing behind every one of Boehner’s public statements emitting ear-splitting banshee noises."

Oh, I wouldn't count that out. If she'll be there, she'll definitely be there, too…whether she's invited or not…foreverFor Freedumb. Also.

talulabadula November 14, 2010 at 9:13 am

Did anyone see the use of Martin Luther King and Michelle Bachmann in the same sentence? Along with "dead as" ? Now that's ass hattery at it's finest.

Mumbletypeg November 11, 2010 at 1:11 am

Trying to imagine Michael Steele's reaction.

"I got 99 problems but that bitch ain't one…"

HedonismBot November 11, 2010 at 6:18 am

Michael WHO?
Oh yeah. That guy. Funny. Haven't heard much about him lately.

LetUsBray November 11, 2010 at 10:11 am

He's still waiting for Grover to get his darn soup order right.

DoktorZoom November 11, 2010 at 1:12 am

Michelle, we hardly knew ye. OK, not really that. We knew ye far better than we really wanted to.

More like, Michelle, we hardly knew what the fuck ye were getting at, ye gobshite harridan. May the cat eat you and the devil eat the cat.

jim89048 November 11, 2010 at 9:18 am

My new favourite Irish blessing!

mavenmaven November 11, 2010 at 1:18 am

I suspect a sex scandal somewhere. She couldn't have just withdrawn like that. She must have done a blogger or something.

zhubajie November 11, 2010 at 8:10 am

Larry Craig. In a public toilet.

imissopus November 11, 2010 at 1:37 am

Thirty comments in and no one has yet asserted that this is good news for John McCain?

HedonismBot November 11, 2010 at 6:19 am

That just goes without saying.

DashboardBuddha November 11, 2010 at 1:38 am

GOP to MB: You served your purpose…fuck along now.

imissopus November 11, 2010 at 1:46 am

It is a little disappointing in that I had hoped the GOP would truly go all in on the crazy. They've come so far, might as well double down. Ah well, they can still nominate Palin in 2012.

jim89048 November 11, 2010 at 9:20 am

They appear to be learning that you never go full retard.

emmelemm November 11, 2010 at 2:16 am

Um, I mean, don't get me wrong, this is good news. But it's not like she's OUT of Congress or anything. The headline… it misleads me.

Negropolis November 11, 2010 at 3:14 am

Not really.

Michelle Bachmann used to be the Queen of Crazy. Now she's just First Among Equals in Crazy. Bachmann's got some serious company (read: competition), now. She'll have to figure out how to better stick out.

Perhaps, she could take a shit on the House floor while it's in session?

emmelemm November 11, 2010 at 3:43 am

And suddenly, everyone's actually watching C-SPAN!

Negropolis November 11, 2010 at 4:37 am

You know, House sessions might get to be so entertaining that they'll go pay-per-view. Even if we don't get them that far, perhaps will be able to compete with something at least on the level of the UK's Prime Minister's Questions.

HistoriCat November 11, 2010 at 9:32 am

We should be so lucky. That is some great television. "Hear, hear!"

BarackMyWorld November 11, 2010 at 7:58 am

Misleading? I thought for a second she was dead!

ShaveTheWhales November 11, 2010 at 2:30 am

If I gave a shit about Teatards, I might have some empathy for their possible confuzed as one of their klieg-light superstars is tossed into the gutter by the GOP, in favor of some anonymous Texan hedge-fund crook.

But I don't, so suck it, Teatards. Welcome to the real world.

Radiotherapy November 11, 2010 at 3:35 am

Even if we go through chemotherapy for it.

Wait, what am I? Chopped liver?
Radiotherapy, the other white meat poison.

user-of-owls November 11, 2010 at 8:30 am

Radiotherapy: It's what's for dinner*

*Now with extra hookworm fighting power!

chascates November 11, 2010 at 4:31 am

Don't cry for her, Argentina. When Palin is in the Oval Office Bachmann will be in the cabinet.

Extemporanus November 11, 2010 at 6:01 am

"Today this blog published its 30,000th post. And we’re not sure if this is a present or a lump of coal."

I feel for you, BILF…

With this very comment, I shall be but eight shy of just cold hittin' the ten Benji mark on our Worthly Wokette Cunt Skum Brigade's new-ish Intenseturbating Gravatard Poopblog 6000 political ridicule Internets attack platform.

I'm torn between going all balls-out Godzilla bukkake on this bitch and getting off now, and picturing a Teabagger-Rascal-Grizzly "Lemon Party" in an effort to hold out a little bit longer…

Office_39 November 11, 2010 at 6:10 am

I am disappointed. My primary sexual fantasy has been to bang Bachmann against the House wall, mid-session. But if she isn't going to be Republican Conference leader it doesn't work any more.

elviouslyqueer November 11, 2010 at 10:41 am

My primary sexual fantasy has been to bang Bachmann against the House wall, mid-session.

With a tire iron, presumably?

Tundra Grifter November 11, 2010 at 11:18 am

Are you old enough to remember the Playboy photos of Rita Jenrette? (Hope I spelled her name correctly.) She claimed to have have rabid weasel sex with her husband on the Capitol steps. After seeing her photos, I believe it.

GOPCrusher November 11, 2010 at 12:29 pm

She was pretty fucking hot.

HedonismBot November 11, 2010 at 6:13 am

With the Teapublicans in power and health care restored to its rightful place as the prerogative of our betters, I think most of us won't be allowed the opportunity to go through chemotherapy.
However, I have seen Bachmann in the pique of my fever dreams.

WordSaladNation November 11, 2010 at 7:00 am

Here's an excerpt from Michele's speech endorsing Jeb Hensarling:

"I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: 'The people — we the people — are going to have to fight back hard if we're not going to lose our country.'

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Arizona, the sons of real American patriots and the sons of dirty illegal immigrants will be able to sit down across the table from one another in the visiting room of the federal prison, and only the patriots will be able to leave after visiting hours are over, if you know what I mean.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Massachusetts, a state sweltering with the heat of liberalism, sweltering with the heat of socialism, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice, or just swallowed up into the ocean, one or the other.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will again be judged by the color of the skin, not by the content of their character.

I have a dream today!"

Oblios_Cap November 11, 2010 at 7:00 am

Hensarling? Is that like chicken fucking?

Oblios_Cap November 11, 2010 at 7:53 am

Happy endings are good.

user-of-owls November 11, 2010 at 8:33 am

I think it might be one of those weird obscure 'sports' that only Canadians or Scots play.

lochnessmonster November 11, 2010 at 7:00 am

Why would she worry about some kid, she's got her healthcare paid for by the kids parents – her botox treatments for life.

YasserArraFeck November 11, 2010 at 8:02 am

If you think Michele's down and out, you're sadly mistaken. That level of crazee is never defeated in the first round. She will keep coming back – think Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers, Chuckie.

FNMA November 11, 2010 at 8:14 am

And as everybody knows, wounded crazy is powerful crazy.

neiltheblaze November 11, 2010 at 8:09 am

So all the camera and microphone hogging came to naught, eh Michele? All that rousing of the Rascal-bound rabble comes up a cropper. Poor bitch.

Who will step up and conduct the un-American activities witch hunts now, hmmm? This is a sad, sad day for Amerika.

BarackMyWorld November 11, 2010 at 8:10 am

I have a theory about Mrs. Bachmann, but sometimes I decide it would be better to keep my meaner thoughts to myself. And that is why I can never work in AM radio.

obfuscator2 November 11, 2010 at 8:23 am

so you stay out late at night
and you drink your tea for free
drivin' your friends crazy
with your life's insanity

well, well, well.

you just can't tell.

well, well, well, my michele.

4TheTurnstiles November 11, 2010 at 8:33 am

So come on, stop your cryin' cause we both know money burns;
Honey don't stop tryin' and you'll get what you deserve

horsedreamer_1 November 11, 2010 at 8:31 am

She will not be ignored.

& DC area petstores have put the rabbits under glass.

user-of-owls November 11, 2010 at 8:36 am

Una furtiva lagrima
negli occhi suoi spuntò:
Quelle festose giovani
invidiar sembrò.

x111e7thst November 11, 2010 at 9:12 am

Ah, cielo! Si può! Si, può morir!
Di più non chiedo

silverfiddle November 11, 2010 at 8:59 am

If a republican is "finished" for merely losing a leadership contest, then the dems have been destroyed by the electorate.

Mort_Sinclair November 11, 2010 at 9:02 am

Say what you want about Bachmann, but who are the deranged dumbfucks who keep electing her?

DeLand_DeLakes November 11, 2010 at 10:33 am

The people I grew up with. And yes, my queer ass only just made it out alive.

CapeClod November 11, 2010 at 9:04 am

You have to be really on guard when you dump your hot, crazy girlfriend. I see a dead rabbit in John Boehner's future.

chickensmack November 11, 2010 at 9:06 am

An apostolic Pentecostal woman should show subservience to men in the House. God is pleased.

HempDogbane November 11, 2010 at 9:26 am

She's still going to be 4th ranking on the Fox Republican Leadership Team, right?

Tundra Grifter November 11, 2010 at 9:33 am

The T-Baggers got picked up at closing time because the GNoP was desperate and alone, were taken to a cheap motel and endured some drunken fumbling based on bourbon-breath promises (and in several cases involving candidates favored by Sarah Palin failed to be able to whip it up and perform), and now the phone just sits there and doesn’t ring.

Just who is surprised by this outcome?

Katydid November 11, 2010 at 9:47 am

Michele is probably not too hot for Boner right now, the way she is hot for Jesus. She's probably hot for Jesus's boner, though.

The_Great_Gazoo November 11, 2010 at 9:57 am

I betcha when she endorsed Hensarling she looked like a hen snarling.

Mindblank November 11, 2010 at 10:05 am

I have hope for her: hope that she'll intrepidly find some way to be an albatross around the neck of the Republican party. She has the grit. She has the gumption. She has the meta-crazy.

Barrelhse November 11, 2010 at 10:09 am

I did the chemo but she's still there. Maybe radiation?

widestanceroman November 11, 2010 at 10:26 am

Don't know crap about one Krisi Noem (R/SD) seen at TPM this morning, but at first glance, she looks like the hot new piece (eyes just as crazy as Bachmann, but with freshly banged–and frankly, dirty–hair).

Boner to Michele: those shirts ain't gonna iron themselves, House Frau.

jim89048 November 11, 2010 at 12:18 pm

This is what Brisket Palin will look like when she grows up. Scary!

Amo_of_Bogio November 11, 2010 at 3:16 pm

Widestanceroman is on to something with Ms. Kristi Noem. She owns shit for a living, is a terrible driver & looks bangable in a dirty, evangelical xtian, soccer mom kind of way.

DeLand_DeLakes November 11, 2010 at 10:31 am

It just goes to show the extent of the "feminism" that Bachmann and her crazy-cunt-in-arms Palin have been nonsensically claiming for themselves–they might whine about the "old boy's club" to make a point about how the librul media is being so meeaaannnnnnn to them, but when the old boys snap their fingers, they just fall into line right behind Boner's cancerous ass, grinning like zombies.

ttommyunger November 11, 2010 at 10:38 am

Guess Hensarling gives a better Boehner-Hummer than Michelle. Not surprising, you work your way up off of your knees when you go the Hedge Fund route; on video, just to make sure you don't change your mind later.

thefrontpage November 11, 2010 at 11:02 am

Bachmann should resign, effective immediately. She is unqualified to hold any political office.

bitchincamaro2 November 11, 2010 at 11:23 am

Boehner may have kicked her in the caboose, but Michelle will always be driving the crazy train for the GOP.

LeAlbatross November 11, 2010 at 11:41 am

She's not gone, dead or fading. She'll still have her whackaloons, still be in the forefront of misinformed reactionary dipshits, still be the darling of the right. Just like Palin.

My liver is going to have a rough two years.

GOPCrusher November 11, 2010 at 12:32 pm

No side post of her Facebook wall being lit up with cries of "TRAITOR!" or Bible Spice tweeting "MICHELE, DON'T RETREAT, RELOAD!"?
I call bullshit.

TanzbodenKoenig November 11, 2010 at 1:05 pm

Nobody puts crazy in a corner!

bringmeanaxe November 11, 2010 at 1:17 pm

If only all the Teabaggers could realize that crazy is the new crazy.

MinAgain November 11, 2010 at 3:07 pm

Please. Until someone throws a bucket of water on her, the crazy will continue.

Troubledog November 11, 2010 at 3:43 pm

Never forget.

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