looks like america

FDA’s Cigarette Package Plan To Feature Cool Death Images

This post will get no views because all of America is on smoke break right now.Cigarettes are going to cease to exist forever because the FDA has unveiled new, scarier anti-smoking warnings that will cover 50% of the front of cigarette packaging. But because these warning pictures were made by bureaucrats, they’re not actually that scary. Where’s the photo of a cigarette chopping a guy’s dick in half? C’mon, government. Anyway, as Wonkette operative “G B” notes, they did see fit to include a heart-attack Dick Cheney in this series, seen at left. So the message they’re trying to promote is you can have all the heart attacks you want and still live forever if you make a Faustian bargain to kill lots of Iraqi children for no reason at all?

Obviously, this is the cigarette warning America needs:

It's always Christmas with Ronnie.

And with Republicans in power with and their penchant for sticking that guy on everything, his mug will soon be lighting up on the front of your Kools. [WP]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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132 comments

  1. GuyClinch

    As a 40 y.o. man who smokes devoutly, I only buy the packs of Marlboros that have warnings for pregnant women on them, so I'm good.

    1. Weenus299

      You mean you read the pack? Beyond a certain red and white pack, I just look for a thumbhold on the next one.

    2. Dashboard_Jesus

      as a 50 y.o. man who smokes only organically grown 'medical' marijuana I'm so stoned I don't even worry about impregnating women, so I'm……what was the question again?

  2. SorosBot

    They've had this in some other countries, I remember in Egypt the cigarettes had an actually disturbing picture of a guy hooked up to a ventilator. Didn't stop me from smoking there, nor what appeared to be the vast majority of Egyptians.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      If living in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity for three months in the dark didn't dampen the Chilean miner's cravings for ciggies, I think the Industry is safe.

    2. Preferred Customer

      That's misrepresentation. Most people don't have insurance and so there's no WAY they'd get hooked up to a ventilator.

  3. Oblios_Cap

    If smoking them causes Dick Cheney to have more heart(less) attacks, then I'm increasing my intake to 4 packs a day! I'll up it to six packs if it'll help W. keel over.

    I like six packs.

  4. ManchuCandidate

    Only way to get straight males to stop smoking?
    "Cigarettes cause anal rape."

    As for sudden surge in smoking among GOPers and Xtian fundies, well, do we really want them to live forever?

  5. GunTotingProgressive

    Aren't Kools menthol? I doubt St. Ronnie will be featured on menthol ciggies (because of The Blacks!).

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Congratulations. This is exactly what FLOTUS needs to get Barry to quit smoking once and for all.

  6. OkieDokieDog

    Funny, and yet there aren't any pics of bloody dead bodies from car crashes on the cans of Bud, or on bottles of booze.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Dear Regulating Agencies,

        We already know smoking is really, really bad for us.

        Sincerely,
        The Entire World

    1. Lazy Media

      Used as directed, alcohol is good for you. Used as directed, cigarettes make your lungs turn into charcoal briquettes.

    2. wondering where i am

      So what pics will the feds make them put on the packs when they start selling marijuana ciggies? Some guy passed out in his soup?

  7. LionelHutzEsq

    If they really wanted to get people to quit, just put a picture of some guy smoking cock on the front and a warning "Just because your sublimating your urges, doesn't mean you are not gay."

  8. natoslug

    Stroke and heart disease? What, is lung cancer now caused by fairy dust and puppy farts? I expect warnings on alcohol next: Causes erratic driving and sudden outbursts of anger and/or melancholy.

      1. natoslug

        So you've met most of my exes then? . . . nothing like waking up naked in the redwoods next to a woman whose name escapes you.

        1. wondering where i am

          First try random natural phenomenon. Ah, good morning, Rain, er, Storm, er River, er, Madrone. It's hippy land up here. Those are always good choices.

  9. OC_Surf_Serf

    Graphic-Smaffixx…where the fuck are the destroyed lungs of a cadaver? Pics of all those lovely cysts and bronchial infestations?

    I grew up when we watched films like "Death Toll on the Turnpike" to get our driver's licenses…

    We have gone soft, 'Murica.

    1. OneYieldRegular

      I once saw a PET scan of a long-term crack abuser's brain, or what little remained of it, and thought: why isn't THIS image in that commercial, instead of the fried egg representing "your brain on drugs"? I mean, the brain in this scan made a fried egg look like the Hope diamond.

      1. Weenus299

        They did a heroin commercial that played on the frying-pan gag. This is drugs, this is your brain on drugs. Then this girl grabs the frying pan and beats the shit out of the kitchen, calling the pots and pans she smashes "Your friends" and windows and glasses "your family."

        She made me weep. And yeah, she got me hot.

  10. NorthStarSpanx

    Great, because you unearthed this Reagan ad Sarah Palin's shouting at Todd to find her a Coffin Nails d'il.

    That'll show the Nanny State to go fuck themselves. And the cookie banning fascists with obese and diabetic children in Pa. too. Also.

  11. edgydrifter

    Since the heart is typically on the other side of the body, I'm guessing this warning means smoking will make fat, middle-aged men feel great anxiety when they grope their own ample man-boobs. That's an oddly specific warning.

    1. Zvi_Bleindmeis

      Put a Sharron Angle celebrity endorsement on the cigarette packs. Women smokers will be horrified by the lizard skin and dentures, and men will be unable to get it up for a week.

  12. freakishlywrong

    If I still did Xmas, which I blissfully don't, I'd be kicking some serious ass if someone gave me fucking carton of Chesterfields, regardless of the "Beautiful Christmas-Card Carton".

  13. neiltheblaze

    Ronnie sent Chesterfield's to all his friends because he was shilling for them and the ciggies were free. He was cheap.

    1. Radiotherapy

      This country wouldn't have got a toe hold if it wasn't for tobacco. Slavery was initially fueled by tobacco. Huge corporations exist to this day for tobacky. Worst of all, Big Tobacco planted the flourishing weed of "the science of doubt".
      And, no, I don't want to hear it from teatards.

  14. Gratuitous World

    i prefer the alternative warning…

    "smoking may cause weight loss and popularity"

    seriously, you really need to raise awareness as to the dangerof smoking? I'm sure the understaffed FDA could make better use of their limited time. Or at least take a smoke break.

    1. Lazy Media

      Name a bigger health threat than smoking for the FDA to spend its time on. Smoking. It's stupid. I think people should be allowed to smoke, but jesus. It's really, really stupid. Since Americans are stupid, you have to REALLY REALLY point out the dangers of smoking in short words and large print, over and over and over.

      1. SorosBot

        It's not that Americans are stupid, a lot of us know the dangers of smoking and don't care, because it's enjoyable. And it's not a big health threat because the risks are voluntary; the big threats are those we can't avoid. So please, don't be so fucking condescending and calling me stupid.

        1. Zvi_Bleindmeis

          Mr. (Ms.?) Soros, imagine for a moment that a new product of any sort comes onto the market that causes lung cancer in 1% of users. It could be the most enjoyable thing imaginable, it could even cure acne or hemorrhoids or male pattern baldness, but with a cancer risk like that, there is no fucking way American society would allow it, even with the power of Pfizer and GM behind it.

          Lifetime risk of lung cancer for American men who smoke is 17%, for women 11%.

          The 5-year survival rate for all lung cancers is about 15%.

          COPD is a nasty way to die, too, I hear. So yeah, smoking is stupid, and it's a big threat.

      2. Gratuitous World

        like every American above 3yrs old, we've been constantly bombarded with the harmful effects of smoking. of course it's a big health threat. of course it causes a jackpot of diseases. everyone knows that.

        but for instance, a lot of people (FDA included) don't really know if there are any adverse effects to eating GM tomatoes. Maybe they should come to a consensus on that, so we can start labeling produce with Cheney photo-warnings if necessary. "Eating this cabbage will be like taking buckshot in the neck" or something

      3. OhNoGuy

        Sorry , Pal. Tthe biggest health threat is not giving health care to pregnant women and children. They are the future, we who will die from smoklng are the past. The problem with the whole health care debate is the emphasis on old folks. Let me advise you of two facts that I have discovered
        1) Death is inevitable
        2) It is rarely pleasant.

        Get used to that.

  15. Rosie_Scenario

    The good old days, when Ronnie's only foreign policy experience consisted of starring in "Hong Kong" by Paramount pictures, Color by Technicolor.

  16. terriblyfamous

    I've been trying to quit for years. With this Reagan-cigarettes association image, it should be a cinch.

  17. SayItWithWookies

    How 'bout these:
    "We can smell you from fifty feet away — even more if you light up."
    "This stuff tastes like shit."
    "Being dead is like kissing your sister. Who smokes. Forever. With tongue."
    "When you walk down the street with your oxygen bottle in your little cart, people will look at your gray papery skin and think 'You knew this was coming, dumbass — don't expect me to get out of your way.'"
    "Just quit for a day and see what you hack up the next morning. That's from these things."
    "Hwaaaa — heeeugh — heeeeeughwhaaaaaaack."

    1. chickensmack

      For twenty-two years, I smoked. I gave up just over a year ago.

      I apologize profusely, America, for my 22 year of curable, preventable stank.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        My housemate smokes — and though I love her dearly, she can't smoke indoors except in her bedroom. Anyway, she slipped recently when I came into her room and must've made a face, because she said, "I know it stinks — even smokers know it stinks, they just don't admit it." I was stunned — because I had never heard that from a smoker, ever. It was like being initiated into the Cult of Isis or something, and finally having the Big Secret revealed.

        1. Dashboard_Jesus

          I was a 'closet' smoker for years, just a couple a day y'know cuz it wouldn't kill me and well, I only smoked 'natural/ organic' tobacco (and other rationalizations!) Then one day I went to a yoga class- yes I'm a yogi!- and realized my yoga mat stunk of tobacco and was so embarrassed I quit right then, out of shame (former Catholic, it's hard-wired!)

      2. GOPCrusher

        I smoked for 34 years and quit almost 4 years ago. If it hadn't been for the tobacco taxes being raised through the roof, I'd still be smoking.
        Don't miss it one little bit, but at the time, damn I enjoyed it.

  18. SheriffRoscoe

    Sex appeal is everything in advertising. Maybe they could show a guy with a green fog of smoker's breath coming out of his mouth, and the girl next to him with a 'oh no way I'm gonna bone this guy' look on her face.

  19. CapeClod

    Include two non-circulating coins in every pack to put over your eyes for when you have to pay the ferryman.

  20. Maman

    Can you have a heart attack and a stroke simultaneously? That image seemed silly. It said to me, "I have a headache and bad gas" But the trach smoker was creepy, though that might have been that mustache.

    1. Crank_Tango

      Can you have a heart attack and a stroke simultaneously?

      In America you can—America, fuck yeah!!!

  21. CrankyLttlCamperette

    Afraid Denis Leary got it right: "It doesn't matter how big the warnings on the cigarettes are; you could have a black pack, with a skull and crossbones on the front, called TUMORS, and smokers would be around the block going, "I can't wait to get my hands on these fucking things! I bet ya get a tumor as soon as you light up!"

    1. CrankyLttlCamperette

      Actually, if I remember correctly, there used to be a British brand called "DEATH" that came in a black pack with a white skull and crossbones.

      They also had DEATH LIGHTS that came in a white pack with black S&CB. The concept of Death Lights just made be giggle every time I went into the tobacconist.

      (And no, I didn't try them — they were like 8 pounds a pack and that was during the $2/pound days and there was no way I was paying $16 for a pack of cigarettes, no matter how amusing a novelty I found them!)

  22. smokefilledroommate

    If smoking somehow benefited insurance companies, we'd see infants being encouraged to light up.

  23. Weenus299

    Can I get a hamburger pasted with pictures of exploding hearts? If I cross the street, will the walk/don't walk sign show me a GIF of a car-hit body flying across the median?

    Dear God I hope so. This means a boom in the graphic arts industry.

  24. StillGoinGreen

    Since I quit smoking, I don't really give a shit one way or the other – I am just looking forward to the graphics of the "broken condom" warning label. Maybe not.

      1. StillGoinGreen

        I was thinking more along the lines of Cantor looking all verklempt as he peers back to see an unwrapped version of a big, orange "Boehner boner" dripping all over his milky… ok, i just puked!

  25. Tengu

    They should use photos of Jared from Subway because whenever I see him I instantly don't want to buy that product.

  26. mrblifil

    WARNING: Cigarettes are cool for teenagers, and can lead to increased access to aggressive mutually satisfying sexual encounters, but lead to bad health ramifications later in life once a person is older, completely unattractive, and incapable of even having sex. Oh, wait…

    1. StillGoinGreen

      WARNING: Cigarettes make your clothes smell like smoke. And, in this age of political correctness – only titty bars allow smoking anymore, thereby announcing to your bitch of a wife that you have been diddling again.

  27. SecretMuslin

    Just put Boehner's picture on the pack with the caption "This could be you." My God, can you imagine a more effective deterrent?

  28. Serolf_Divad

    Can't they just put a picture of Tucker Carlson ripping his shirt off on the carton with the statement: "Warning: Cigarettes Cause Tucker Carlson?" I guarantee you'd see a drastic decline in smoking related cancers.

  29. SecretMuslin

    I suppose putting Barry on the cigarette packs would have the opposite of the intended effect… I wonder if he approves this message?

  30. CthuNHu

    Howsabout "Cigarette makers murder 135,000 Americans every year. That's a 9/11 every eight days. They are literally hundreds of times more murderous than Al Qaeda, but since it makes them billions in profits every quarter, their CEOs live in mansions instead of caves. By buying these cigarettes, you're helping fund their war on America. Suck on that."

  31. bitchincamaro2

    I smoked for 20 years because my mother did not breast feed me. That's about the length of time I would have been on the tit, I figure.

  32. Ducksworthy

    Wait. Does the Deficit Panel know about this? Doesn't this conflict with their policy of killing off the olds? Their recommendation is to kill us all before we can go on Medicare and Social Security. This will not help. I guess its like the anti-obesity thing versus more cheese and free advertising for Domino's. No wonder republicans want to wreck the gubbermint and return the country to the Somalian anarchist paradise the founders intended.

  33. widestanceroman

    Actually, given that my cigarettes' taxes help pay for CHIP, shouldn't packs carry pictures of children happy and smiling in a doctor's waiting room?

  34. WIDTAP

    Personally I love the picture of the emaciated cancer patient with "Smoking causes caner". I am thinking of changing my avatar.

  35. Chet Kincaid

    They should have put Barbara Bush in charge of this. She's got a treatment circulating around Hollywood that made Wes Craven hurl himself through a plate glass window.

  36. GOPCrusher

    A big billboard that says "PRESIDENT OBAMA WANTS YOU TO QUIT SMOKING" would have the same effect. And the beauty of it is, that not a single one of them would question why a smoker would want them to quit.

  37. mumbly_joe

    Hah, the fucking joke's on you, FDA: I look like that all the fucking time anyway, because of work. All you've managed to communicate to me is that these cigarettes were designed with my own lifestyle in mind.

  38. lochnessmonster

    Holy crap! I remember my mom giving my dad "cigs" for Christmas one year. I see a resurgance of cigarette cases so people don't have to look at the nasty images. I should start up a company making just that thing here in the USA again…buy American Cancer Sticks — made in America with American flag images all over them! Better than Sarah Mama Grizzly Bear Lipstick on a Pitbull Palin's flag pins made in China any day!

  39. transfatz

    Wow, look at that young corpse in the coffin. If smoking can make me look that good I'm starting today!

  40. FoxyO_Wiley

    Hey with the baseball trading card market down, these new cig packs will be a great collector item for the kids!

Comments are closed.