pillow talk

George W. Bush Told Gordon Brown He Would Have Endorsed Obama

Natural.That whole Barbara Bush fetus jar thing from yesterday really screwed up her son’s mind, so much so that in 2008, during the buildup to the general election, he told former British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and a group of dignitaries he would have endorsed Barack Obama if Obama’s people had asked him. And that he “probably won’t even vote for” McCain. Is this because Bush was mad at McCain for having the GALL to compete for the Republican nomination in 2000? Or is it because the man’s mental capacities were permanently damaged by the trauma of his mother having shoved that fetus jar in his face — and the years of subsequent alcohol addiction — and was genuinely confused to which party he belonged?

Endorse Obama? Cue dumbfounded look from British officials, followed by some awkward remarks about the Washington weather. Even Gordon Brown’s poker face gave way to a flash of astonishment.

It’s always awkward when foreign visitors have a better understanding of U.S. politics than the president of the United States. And also when that dude will just say anything that pops into his head, even if it’s about, say, a list of his 100 all-time favorite cartoon dogs.

So if Bush had endorsed Obama, would it have rendered McCain’s campaign dead in the water, because Bush was the sitting president and ostensible leader of his party? Or would it have ruined Obama? Neither. The shock of the rumored endorsement would have caused Barbara Bush to miscarry yet another (this time dusty and moldy) fetus, the sight of which (in yet another jar) would have turned her son into a Terri Schiavo. A dumber Terri Schiavo. [FT]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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    1. weejee

      If Walnutz has picked Xtine OD instead of that snobillie grifter, would it be like Oz today, with us all singing Waltzing Broom Hilda?

    1. BruceLee5000

      Scooby Doo is Number 1!
      Homer Simpson as Poochie is a close (ironically, close) 2nd.
      …j ust like John McCain!

      1. Come here a minute

        Santa's Little Helper
        Howard Huge

        Hmm, the list goes downhill fast!

  1. Madam Killjoy

    So the GOP told Bush to give Hopey the kiss of death by endorsing him and he somehow fucked this up too/also?

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Ha. That would be sweet, but they ditched that idea as counter-productive. You've got to remember that some 20% of 'muricans out there still think Bush was a great president. (All of whom watch Colbert and don't realize he's kidding.)

  2. SexySmurf

    George heard somewhere that McCain had an illegitimate black love child and just couldn't support him.

  3. kenlayisalive

    Just when you think he's gonna zig, he zags!

    Fuck you George W. Bush. Seriously. I hope you die soon (of natural causes or sudden pretzel death syndrome) and it hurts. Bad. (He reads Wonkette, right?)

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          I hear pancreatic cancer is nice.

          And by 'nice' I mean 'omigodblindinglyslowandmindbendinglyexcruciatingdeath.'

          1. BerkeleyBear

            From my limited exposure to it, it's actually a fairly aggressive cancer. You want something like ALS that slowly destroys your faculties.

    1. zhubajie

      I want him to die of boredom after 50+ years in prison, just like Rudolf Hess. Let Cheney be his room-mate for life.

      1. HistoriCat

        "Let Cheney be his room-mate for life" – that would probably qualify as cruel and unusual punishment.

    2. JustPixelz

      I assume everyone reads wonkette. There's just a kinda small number of peeps who click my thumbs-up thingy.

  4. DoktorZoom

    I need some definitions here. Are we talking animated cartoons (in which case, Droopy Poodle, Brian Griffith, and Marc Antony), or are we talking comics/magazine cartoons (Thurber's hounds, Booth's mutts, and, yeah, Snoopy)?

    Christ, Jack, you don't just plunge into a discussion like this without some goddamn ground rules!

      1. Radiotherapy

        Not to mention nom de wonkettes such as Mumbly_Joe.

        Plus, Rass-em-frass-em, shriggem rass-em, is my go to professional cussing.

      2. Zvi_Bleindmeis

        Underdog. Mr. Peabody. Santa's Little Helper. Mighty Manfred the Wonder Dog. Okay, Manfred's technically not a cartoon dog.

        I think this crew could make small talk with Gordon Brown just fine.

    1. PsycWench

      Could Jack have meant "car tune" dogs? Because I have known many dogs to sing a tune when a car goes by.

      1. Gleem_McShineys

        Nobody likes Lieberman, not even post-fetus-jar-stress-disorder suffering anus-people jabbering nonsense at bigwig foreigns.

  5. OkieDokieDog

    Just looking at that photo brings tears to my eyes. It's such a pity that society frowned down upon their budding bromance. And the one who really suffered is the poor little fetus jar, misplaced by Jeb's Florida foster care system.

    Eh – I got nothing. That pic totally grosses me out. Big time.

  6. CZL

    Now that he's out of office, the drunken fratboy bro-supreme has come back out. The oppressive leash of Cheney is off and now he's pounding tequila shooters with Jenna and talking about what a frigid frostypants his other daughter has become.

    1. zhubajie

      Jenna will continue the dynasty (or do I mean die nasty?)! Anyway, 3 generations of a family in the presidency is definitely a dynasty (to be followed by die nasty, perhaps, if they are wicked enough!)!

      1. genxr

        Electing a third Bush to the Presidency will surely be followed by global thermonuclear war, much to everyone's relief.

  7. bumfug

    G. W. Bush told Gordon Brown he would have endorsed Obama. So what? He told us there were WMDs, that torture was legal, that he wanted to catch Osama Bin Laden and that Brownie was doing a heck of a job.

  8. Beowoof

    It is probably fortunate for McCain that his next election is six years away and in a republican congress the screwing up will be so over the top that his constituents will forget this or be gone as most are old midwestern retirees.

  9. BarackMyWorld

    This reminds me of the rumor 18 years ago about Reagan voting for Clinton.

    Not as interesting as McCain nominating Palin for VP, which I liken is closer to Caligula appointing his horse to the Senate.

    1. Worthly Wokette Skum

      Reagan just voted for Clinton because he liked filling in all the little ovals on the ballot.

  10. neiltheblaze

    I've been overwhelmed once more, seeing this man's smug, sneering, self-satisfied puss on my TV every night for the last fucking week. It was a reminder of how much I hated this slimy motherfucker for eight solid years. His stab at ritual self-exculpatory media manipulation is just as disgusting as I imagined it would be. I hope he goes back to Dallas and sucks down a few gallons of Jim Beam and drowns in his own vomit. Traitor.

    Fuck John McCain too.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      It was a personal violation for me, like coming home to a burglar ransacking my world music CD collection. Ms. Kincaid came running when I yelled "GET THE FUCK OFF MY TV!!!"

  11. loose_leaf_tea

    Will this finally convince that 24% of the country that loved him till the very end that he is dumber than a box of hair?

  12. Negropolis

    Here Clinton is zooming around saving cheerleaders, and thusly the world, and then you have this, and still Republicans are calling the Obama "Worst President Evah." Really, guys?

    I guess retard is the new black.

  13. hooray4anything

    If this would have happened, oh to be a fly on the wall at FOX as they try to figure out who to spend all of their time attacking.

  14. chicken_thief

    I am alone in wanting to know where Babs stored that god damn fetus jar? I mean, it isn't like he saw it every day. When the time was right, she just whipped it out, kind of fetus jar tasering him onto the path to the presidency. But where was it all those years before that fateful day?!

    1. waitforsugar

      I see it in the china cabinet in the formal dining room. That way on holidays Barbara can easily bring it out and set it at its place.

    2. transfatz

      I consulted my 8-ball and it said…

      Cheney's soiled boxers
      Undisclosed location keeps
      Fetus jar unseen.

    3. mrblifil

      According to the book, she showed it to him on the way to the hospital. He probably drove her and she had been instructed to save whatever she could, as was the custom of the day apparently? So it's sitting in her lap in a jar so as not to break, and dumbfuck asks "what's that?" To which Babs responded "SCREAMING FUCKING BLOODY MESS!!!1!! IT'S AN ABORTION!!1!!"

      Now the right wing is acting all butthurt that mean lefty blogger types are suggesting she left Jarbara out on the coffee table as an ice breaker. I'm sure once she handed it over to the medical professionals they fulfilled their moral obligation by flushing the contents down the toilet for her. And this taught Dubya a valuable lesson about the sanctity of life. Funny story: to this day Babs remains pro-choice. Weird how that worked out henghhh?

      1. chicken_thief

        Muchos grassyasses, mrblifil! You have my undying admiration for having the wherewithal to actually read the book. For me, it's one of those many items on the to-do list that keeps getting pushed back because I tend to while away my free time drinking…

  15. transfatz

    George knows about parties. George likes parties. He was sad that the Obama and that really cute unicorn weren't invited to his party. Mean Dick and Karl wouldn't let him take the Obama home and keep him. Instead they wanted him to endorse his smelly old "uncle John". Well he did, but he kept straws in his nostrils all afternoon after that.

  16. zhubajie

    Has anyone actually seen the memoir? Did he write it himself? Or was it "as told to" Rufus T. Firefly or somebody? Does it have lots of pictures? Maybe some pop-ups of Jim Beam bottles or Saddam Hussein or the fetus-in-a-bottle?

  17. zhubajie

    Personally, I've often wished that the entire Bush administration, including Congress, the Supreme Court and a couple dozen deserving neo-cons and televangelists, would all be trampled to death by drunken elephants. But it'll only be in an alternative universe, I fear.

    1. Negropolis

      I don't know, you hop up Limbaugh on his happy pills and set him loose in a convention full of Republicans, and god only knows what may happen.

  18. Extemporanus

    In the wise words of Winston Churchill's dear ol' Mum: "To jar-jar is always better than to waa-waa."

    And on that [blitzed] note…

    FETUS for POTUS: It's Abort Time

    FETUS for POTUS: Preserve the American Dream

    FETUS for POTUS: Yes, We Can!

    FETUS for POTUS: Country Birth

    FETUS for POTUS: Can-Passionate Conservatism

    FETUS for POTUS: Leave No Child In Brine

    FETUS for POTUS: Filling a Jar to the 19th Century

    FETUS for POTUS: Putting Pickles First

    FETUS for POTUS: A Thousand Pints of Life

    FETUS for POTUS: It's Still-Borning Again in America

    FETUS for POTUS: In Your Womb, You Know It's Right

    Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera…

  19. JustPixelz

    The Repubican platform in the mid-term election was Back To Bush. Undo health care (& millions uninsured), keep the tax cuts (& corresponding deficits), deregulate financial systems, etc. If Bush would have endorsed Obama, perhaps he'll also agree his policies actually were a fucking nightmare for America.

  20. x111e7thst

    George W (Arbusto) Bush and JarJar (Fetus) Bush do have this in common: Neither has the faintest idea what shit is dribbling from their mouth orifices at any given point.

  21. An_Outhouse

    George got so good at lying that he can't stop. Sure he was going to endorse Obama. Just like he he fucked Marilyn Monroe.

  22. Pragmatist2

    Hey, what if Bush endorsed Obama and the Clinton endorsed McCain!!!
    Then the whole country would have gone into brain freeze and we'd have gotten our senses back.

  23. Badonkadonkette

    in 2008, during the buildup to the general election, he told former British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and a group of dignitaries he would have endorsed Barack Obama if Obama’s people had asked him.

    It's OK, everyone. Relax. This was in the primaries, when Hil was a contender. Presumably Bush thought this would ensure Obama got the nomination and thus Republicans (whoever they nominated) would be guaranteed a win in the general election, because, really, who'd vote for a black guy, heh heh heh. This is just more of Bush being an arrogant, mind-bogglingly inept idiot, except when he's being a conniving, manipulative sack of shit. So this episode just confirms and deconflicts every impression we've ever had of him.

  24. CapeClod

    That is still one of the strangest and most awkward photos I've ever seen. It looks like Bush had just saved McCain from a burning house.

  25. donner_froh

    I am waiting for the sequel when GWB goes catatonic after discovering that his sister in a jar is actually just some condensed tomato soup, a few chicken bones and a bit of bacon grease for texture.

    Mom always loved her jokes.

  26. DashboardBuddha

    Wow…when Bush throws someone under the bus, they friggin' well stay there. I bet that when Bush dies, there be some small print on the stone:

    "Suck it, Walnuts"

  27. OneYieldRegular

    That's nothing. If either Bush or McCain had ever asked for my endorsement, it wouldn't have stopped me from telling everyone I know in every country I've visited that both of them were worthly non-Wokette skum.

  28. Chet Kincaid

    Watching MSNBC last night, seeing Bush's idiotic face and bullshit interviews (still falling back on the lawyers about torture? FUCK YOU!!) and book-humping non-answers, I actually screamed bloody abuse at my TV, and it takes a lot for Mild-Mannered Chet to go off like that. I didn't even feel that way about Tricky Dick's rehab tours. The shit Bush fucked up is much, much worse.

  29. Gorillionaire

    Thousands and thousands of dead Iraqi children and and our country left in shambles and this sack of shit is getting a grande tour of US cable TV chat shows.

  30. genxr

    Sure he said so, but did we have to send thousands of troops into a foreign country looking for that endorsement?

  31. hagajim

    I find it interesting that W felt Kanye saying he didn't care about black people meant he was a racist….it doesn't – it just means that Georgie doesn't care about shit – but himself. He couldn't even help his own party out by endorsing the Muslin for hell sakes.

  32. SaintRond

    His mom made him kiss the damn thing and he became a split personality, just like Sybil – a Stuttering Prick Personality, a Miserable Cocksucker Personality, a Drunk Asshole Personality, a Spoiled Cheerleader Personality, Unpleasant Moron Personality, Obsequious Cheese Dick Personality, the Texas Jerkoff Personality and the Shit Eater.

    It'd make a great movie. I'm sorry Oliver Stone didn't have this information before he made "W."

  33. Extemporanus

    That's weird — it isn't for me, and I hate myself way more than I hate you.

    Hmm…perhaps you're not up to date on your shots?

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