it's morning in america

Famous Lying Dildo Joe Miller Sues Alaska For Using ‘Discretion’

Profiles in Indiscretion: Poor Lisa Murkowski is just trying to talk to the camera, and then Joe Miller rudely interrupts with some cunnilingus.

  • What is the one thing that Joe Miller hates more than anything, besides “Lisa Murkowski”? Discretion. Joe Miller hates discretion, because how can you “discreetly arrest someone for asking a question”? You can’t, QED. So it should come as no surprise that Joe Miller is suing Alaska, in order to “keep the state from using discretion in counting write-in ballots.” And it’s really important that Joe wins this lawsuit, because write-in counting starts today and ends when Joe Miller stops being such a dildo (never). Yes, Joe Miller says that voters who misspelled Murkowski’s name did so on purpose, to protest Lisa Murkowski’s confusing name! According to this very silly lawsuit, “People commented on radio stations and in the comment sections in blogs and newspaper stories that they would deliberately incorrectly write-in a variation of ‘Murkowski’ as a protest.” Oh, for Pete’s sake. Miller is trailing “Write-In” by only 11,333 votes now that absentee ballots have been tabulated, and you can bet your Ugg boots that Joe is going to sue all the ballots that he doesn’t like/argue that he should receive the votes Bart Simpson got. [USA Today/TPM]
  • Hey, remember when CIA “interrogators” videotaped themselves torturing all those Detainees, and then destroyed these videotapes because they didn’t like fapping to the same torture video twice, AND THEN were sent to prison for being satanic monsters? Of course you don’t! Because all charges have been dropped. [McClatchy/NYT]
  • Nicolas Sarkozy signed that pension reform bill — you know, the one that made French people angry/burn cars. [CNN]

About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

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154 comments

      1. CapeClod

        Judging from her horrified expression, it would appear that the reporter might not be familiar with the action being depicted.

        1. DashboardBuddha

          I have to give her this though…she did recover quickly. No fucking the chicken for that lady.

  1. Badonkadonkette

    Where in the Constitution does it say that the people of a state can vote for the Senator they want? Oh, in the Constitution? The Seventeenth Amendment? Is that one of the good ones? Does it have guns? If it doesn't at least have a picture of a gun, it can't be very good, and I oppose it.

      1. OC_Surf_Serf

        Fuck, Teabaggers™ just want to shorten the Constitution down the 10 Commandments and the 2nd Amendment….

        1. SorosBot

          Now, they also like the 10th and their misinterpretation of it, along with the imaginary Amendment that guarantees the right to property without any regulation whatsoever.

          1. Badonkadonkette

            And the one about the Federal Government providing all the services the Teabaggers could want, without collecting any income tax. That's a big one.

          2. ulTIMum

            Don't laugh at poor old Thornton Wilder 'cuz he's dead anyway, but he's the father of Ron Paul, when he had his mayor of Our Town declare the civic mission statement as: "We try and help those who need it and don't bother those who don't."

            Sounds all civicky, if not possible.

        2. dyedwool

          Or even better, you can forget the "…ments" and just shorten it down to "Can I GET an Amen…and where's my GODDAM GUN. Also."

  2. deanbooth

    Now is not the time to rewind to the past. For the good of the country, we must fast-forward to the future.

  3. Serolf_Divad

    France has a real problem: its citizens live on a diet of brie, foi gras, red wine and unfiltered Galoises and yet they still manage to outlive us (even moreso now thath McDonalds has brought back the McRib). Plus they're eligible for retirement six months after they graduate high school (or Lycee or whatever the fuck it is they call it.)

    1. charlesdegoal

      Maybe free universal health care has something to do with it. Only thanks to the cigarettes does the system not go bankrupt.

    2. tcaalaw

      even moreso now thath McDonalds has brought back the McRib

      Halleujah! I know what I'm having for lunch today!

  4. CapeClod

    Re: Joe Miller
    So the way to register a protest vote is to deliberately mispell a write-in candidate's name so that your vote won't count for anything. That will make people sit up and pay attention.

    Does logic work differently in Alaska?

    1. SorosBot

      This is the state where everyone gets free oil money from the government and everyone decries socialism, and has been fairly consistently Republican yet pot is legal. So yes.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      When a desperate man has only words for weapons, he's gotta say something.

      What does he have to lose? His dignity? Ha.

    3. zhubajie

      In London, yesterday, they registered protest by imitating the French and smashing up Tory Party Headquarters.

  5. johnnyzhivago

    The word is out to the local teapartygroupenfuerehers – press your armbands, uniformshirts and leggenhosen, shine your boots and prepare to storm your local votingregistrarofficeplaz if der count for Miller goes kaput!

      1. johnnyzhivago

        I wish someone would do a piece on the parallels between Palin and Hitler. You can just see that 70 years ago (or whatever) some member of the Reichstag was apologizing to the Nazis because Hitler endorsed the wrong person for some local election…

        1. jodyleek

          "When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in a flag and carrying the cross." Did Sinclair Lewis say that? If so, he was prescient as it perfectly describes Palin and her minions.

        1. GOPCrusher

          I remember when that got posted a lot in the beginning of the Iraq War to describe the Bushyt Cabal and the Neo-Clowns spun it to mean it was a description of the Clinton Administration.

      1. DashboardBuddha

        ScooterSturm: When you absolutely, positively have to annoy the fuck out of your liberal neighbors.

    1. HistoriCat

      Are we talking endurance (timing)? Or is thing going to be another one of those namby-pamby events judged on "artistic" qualities? If it's the latter, I'll pass – those judged events are all fixed anyway.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          Still, synchronized waterboarding could be awsome.

          Eh, you live or you die by your choice of music. For instance, choose a short number if you want to live…

        1. Beowoof

          Who needs to judge waterboarding, water board Bush and Cheney and there will worldwide spontaneous cheering and an international wave.

  6. Texan_Bulldog

    I see Joe is not going to go down without taking every shred of his dignity with him (if he ever had any). But, hey, that's not stopping his godmomma Snowbilly either, is it?

  7. freakishlywrong

    I know. Can't figure out if this is more 3 dimensional chess. I was holding out for that maybe when the 1,000s of subpoenas start flying on Jan. 3, maybe Obamar would play the torture card. But I'm thinking not.

    1. LetUsBray

      Hmm, waterboarding Darrell Issa has some appeal. But not as much as making him stand for endless hours listening to one of his crappy malfunctioning car alarms.

  8. mumbly_joe

    Of course, since the Coleman campaign put Dems through this exact thing for four months while Republicans cheered him on, and even started going so far as to float the "Does Minnesota even need more than one Senator, really??" test-balloon, I feel very secure in saying, at this juncture:

    SUCK IT, IDAHO-NORTH.

    1. SorosBot

      Now their current Gov candidate, who lost by just a little under their recount margin, is doing it all over again. And there was a little something that happened in Florida in 2000.

      1. mumbly_joe

        I don't recall anyone claiming that we could just do without a Preznit if it really came down to it, though, is the thing, and people actually did try to argue that that a MN with one Senator for the next 6 years be preferable to seating Franken in due course, because ACORN or something.

        My bigger point, though, was that I can't think of a better state to have to forgo 33% of its federal representation for half a year because of intra-party squabbling than Alaska, particularly given Republicans' aforementioned hobby of doing everything in their power to delay winning Dems from getting seated anyway after they lose.

      1. mumbly_joe

        Is it too late to try to get a refund from Russia? Because I'm a little sick of seeing Palin raring her ugly head all over our airwaves, or whatever.

        1. GreasyRabbit75

          Is it too late to try to get a refund from Kenyonesia? Because I'm a little sick of seeing 0bama raring his ugly head all over our airwaves, or whatever.

          There, fixed that for ya.

  9. Canmon

    Even Jeopardy accepts spelling mistake, and Alex Trebek lives for smugly telling a contestant that they made a minor mistake.

    1. Serolf_Divad

      Trebeck has got the greatest job on TV, doesn't he? I mean, seriously: give me all the answers ahead of time and I, too, can look like a fucking genius.

      I mean how hard is it, really, to be all: "Nobody? OK, well, Upper Volta, of course, was the previous name of the Republic of Burkina Faso, as any student of post-colonial African history can tell you. The country adopted it's current name in 1984."

      1. charlesdegoal

        And you can bet he doesn't even know that Ouagadougou used to be known as Kumbi-Tenga, as any serious student of 15th century Saharan history can tell you.

  10. SnarkoMarx

    I thought the requirement for Alaskan write-in ballots was a poo thumb print next to a crude drawing of your candidate of choice.

    1. Gleem_McShineys

      They'll accept a drawing of a penis for Joe, and of boobies for Lisa.

      The poop isn't technically required, it just happens a lot there.

  11. mavenmaven

    Wait till you hear Sarah Palin suing for detailed recounts when Bristol gets voted off of Dancing with the Stars!

    1. HistoriCat

      We should be so lucky. I think she's going to end up winning it all unless the Palin haters coalesce around someone else.

    2. fatoots

      Wait????!!!! She is still fucking on??? I thought the tweet last week was because she kicked off. They need to make a special mirror ball for Mark because he is fucking brilliant.

  12. YasserArraFeck

    Personally, I would like to see Joe Miller's birth cert – I'm pretty sure his name is correctly spelt "JoesUCKMYDICKeph Miller" (In the Alaskan pronunciation, the "UCKMYDICK" is traditionally silent, similar to TOSSMYSALodd Palin).

  13. donner_froh

    Announced cutbacks in social programs that lead to riots and car burning in France are just the Gallic way of stimulating their auto industry. Those blazing Peugeots, Renaults and Citroens have to be replaced by new ones made by French autoworkers.

  14. Naked_Bunny

    To be fair, I always burned my videotapes rather than return them to Blockbuster, and I didn't spend much time in jail for it, either.

  15. chicken_thief

    What is it with these douche bags that, even in a loss, they won't go the fuck away?!! ~ the Snowbilly, Broom Hilda, Sharrrrrron "Ask me no questions" and now, Chuck Norris-lite. Besides, don't we already have our quota of media whores from the great state of Alaska? Joe the Crippled Vet needs to step aside because, after all, Queen Twat at least knows a thing or two about Fed quantitative easing. The Twitter told me so.

  16. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Our (Minnesota) governor’s race is within .5% so we’re going into a recount with the Republican behind. The Republican is finally talking about how he will let the recount run its course however it was noted that he has already found a high priced attorney just in case he doesn’t like the result. In the meantime, both our houses went to the Republicans for the first time in a bazillion years and our current Republican (I’m not running for president Pawlenty) has kindly volunteered to stay in office until this mess is sorted out. Pawlenty is furiously fapping at the prospect of passing every rightwing “take back country” bill the wingnutz can crank out while the vote counting goes on and on and on…

    Sigh.

    1. jodyleek

      It's really frightening, isn't it? I fear they are going to try the old "Don't you homo gheys even think about getting married in Minnie-sooooda" trick. I'm not much of a hippie protester, but if these jackasses try that stunt I will be at the rallies at the Capital steps. Hope to see you there!

    2. ShaveTheWhales

      You know, I'd rag on you Swedes (Minnesotans) about the steep decline your collective IQ has suffered since the days I grew up next door to the east, except for fucking Wisconsin's fucking treatment of Feingold.

      Pretty hard for an ex-Badger to muster much snark, no matter how fucked up the Land of 10,000 Flakes may appear.

      Is stupid transmissible, do you think?

  17. PsycWench

    “People commented on radio stations and in the comment sections in blogs and newspaper stories that they would deliberately incorrectly write-in a variation of ‘Murkowski’ as a protest.” May God help us if people do a tenth of the stuff that they say they'll do on radio stations and comment sections.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      I've gone on record in this blog and others as being willing to punch Joe Miller really hard in the throat. And I stand by that.

      Sincerely,
      Lascauxcaveman

      1. Jukesgrrl

        I'd settle for you figuring out a way to take away his bogus veteran benefits. Why should he be allowed to advocate others not receiving government aid while he and his wife both suck it up? If he can practice law AND run for public office, he's not any more "disabled" than people who can't spell.

  18. PsycWench

    Remember when a journalist asked Joe Miller about a disciplinary action in his past? Miller wasn't so opposed to discretion then.

  19. Steverino247

    A comparison of Hitler and Palin?

    Both were thrust into positions of national prominence by old war heroes (Hindenburg and McCain) who were trying to help themselves, but ended up fucking their respective countries.

    Enough?

    1. GunTotingProgressive

      Wow, crashing nearly a six-pack of jets and spending time in a prison camp now qualifies for "war hero" status?

    2. Steverino247

      NOTE: I'm talking about the public image or popular perception of H and McC, not the actual facts of their "hero" status. They both blew whatever "hero" credit they had by picking Hitler and Palin to give them a popular boost at a critical point in their respective political careers, which is my point. Had McCain not run for President, most people would still have a view of him as being heroic for going through Hanoi like he did. Now, we know better of course.

      1. Beanball

        He was also the recipient of the Iron Cross, had only one testicle, was probably the bastard son of his uncle by his uncle's sister and was mad as a hatter.

        On the plus side, he invented the Volkswagen and the autobahn to drive it on.

  20. SorosBot

    The people who deliberately misspelled Murkowski were all friends of friends of Miller, but it totally happened; they all also once were handed a drink at a bar, passed out, and woke up in a tub filled with ice with a note that their kidneys had been removed.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      Thank God that according to LSM's NPR yesterday, any illness involving the kidney is covered under Medicaid. Whew!

    2. HistoriCat

      It's totally true. My sister's boyfriend's cousin's ex-girlfriend's roommate knew a guy who went through that.

  21. PublicLuxury

    Maybe if they are nice to the bully (tortures) then the bully (republican tortures) will leave them alone…

  22. bureaucrap

    Not only does Makowski's name have to be spelled correctly, it has to be the full legal name, which is "Lisa Simpson Nepotism Lovechild Murkowski."

  23. neiltheblaze

    Of course all charges were dropped. In America if you commit torture or war crimes it's ok, because we're so exceptional.

  24. DaSandman

    Riley, you are on to something lucrative, creative and fun. "Joe the Lying Dildo" could be the next big tweeny cartoon character. But lying is so negative. How about "Joe, the Wandering Dildo" or "Joe, the Happiest Dildo"? He could still have that perv beard but he's also do dildo karate and stuff. And sing in a teabag rock band.

    TV, movies, T-shirts, video games, temporary tatoos, flatware. The profit stream is endless and I want 30% off the top.

    You're welcome.

  25. Come here a minute

    Hey, remember when CIA “interrogators” … ? Of course you don’t! Because all charges have been dropped.

    Oh, goody, now all of Wonkette will be dropped down the memory hole.

  26. DaSandman

    Joe's original plan was an ad campaign that encouraged write in voters to use "old thieving cunt" as opposed to Lisa Murkoa…Muck…whatever the hell it is.

    The National Teapot office rejected the plan as too weak and socialist and refused to fund it.

  27. ttommyunger

    Personally, considering a Rightard would wind up in office regardless, I would rather see Joe Blow (pun intended) win than Jackoffsky… Off the track Wingnuttery is so much more amusing than everyday corruption and graft. On the bright side, the SnowSlut has left Atlanta, thank God! Car alarms were going off everywhere she went. Does that woman EVER shut her piehole? She had the Penthouse Suite at the Georgian Terrace Hotel and I'll bet anything there isn't a roll of toilet paper or bar of soap left in any of the bathrooms this morning. I hear her appearance at the "pay me money now to hear how you can be rich, too, much much, later!" Clusterfuck was a smashing success with she and Bill "Loofah Boy" O'Reilly sharing top billing. Oh, and the CIA having done no wrong? Welcome to Dubya's third term, suckers.

  28. WarAndGee

    When I write-in "MICKEY MOUSE" I write-in "Mikcey Muose" in protest to that little blacked eared asshole who many think would govern better than the two douche bags who are on the ballot.

    So JEO MLLRE has a point.

  29. CapeClod

    The only real way to submit a protest vote is to flip the ballot over and set it on fire before putting it in the counting machine.

  30. donner_froh

    People commented on radio stations and in the comment sections in blogs and newspaper stories

    The ramblings of callers to right wing radio stations are a fine way to settle an election dispute. That's what makes democracy great.

    1. SorosBot

      Better yet, base it on the ramblings of all radio call-ins. Ladies and gentlemen, meet your new Senator from Alaska, Baba Booey.

  31. PrimlyStable

    Never mind the French, central London is currently under seige from angry students protesting plans to raise the maximum amount universities can charge for tuition to… $14,000 a year!

    Last I saw they were setting fire to the pizza place next door to the Conservative Party’s HQ.

  32. donner_froh

    From the Times article: Leon E. Panetta, the C.I.A. director, said in a statement that the C.I.A. was “pleased with the decision” not to bring charges against agency officers involved in destroying the tapes…

    Panetta is a hack, a toady and a sucker-up to anyone with power.

  33. SheriffRoscoe

    The Alaska senate race is the first in a very long time to have a write-in vote win the election, which is kind of disgraceful for a guy like Joe Miller and his supporters. Then they come back and say they voted for 'write-in' on purpose, just because it would complicate things and maybe even prevent Joe from making it to the opening gala in January. Then the trolls come in here on weekends and wonder why we make fun of their retardedness.

  34. hagajim

    At first I thought the headline said the dildo was suing Alaska for using secretion (as in lube)….silly me. Joe likes it hard and dry!

  35. comrad_darkness

    I had a dream that with nothing political left to gain legislatively that he'd finally take up the unitary executive reins Bush left lying on the floor of the oval office and start exacting some actual social justice.

    But, just like Clinton, I believed the republicans when they said Obama was a liberal. WTF was I thinking?

  36. Beowoof

    Jesus bad spelling will disinfranchise voters in Alaska, after all the home schooling and education cuts, those fuckers couldn't even spell Miller, let alone Murkowski. I would be surprised if anyone could vote up there.

  37. BarackMyWorld

    Next time a conservative asks why liberals always have to use the courts to impose their will instead of election results, I'm going to blow my brains out mispell someone's name in protest.

  38. NorthStarSpanx

    And how would we spell Miller? Let us count the ways. . .

    1. Lower Lip Mullet
    2. The bearded one of the Douchebagger Party
    3. Joe Bob Duggar
    4. Anyone but that guy
    5. Court TV's disbarred contributor
    6. The Next Fox News Analyst

    Anyone else? It's a free country, for a few more minutes.

  39. BklynIlluminati

    Giftastic! Anyone seen photos of Miller lately? OOFAH! This thing has taken its toll on that man. He's getting unabomber-ish

  40. Ducksworthy

    I'm pretty sure W. was fapping hisself to the tune of those waterboarding DVD's. I keep hoping they'll find one with semen stains while cleaning up the White House play room where he choked on the pretzel. The DVD could have contributed to that too. also.

Comments are closed.