FREE THE PICINIC BASKETS!  2:37 pm November 9, 2010

AFA: We Must Kill the Demon-Cursed Bears Before They Kill Us

by Jack Stuef

Sorry, Sarah. Those bears are gay pedos.The American Family Association’s Bryan Fischer left us a present in the RSS feed this morning: a pleasant blog post about how WE MUST KILL ALL OF THE BEARS. Fischer takes offense to a report that global warming has tweaked Yellowstone grizzly bears’ food supply, causing some of them to go after humans and get shot in the process. “God makes it clear in Scripture that deaths of people and livestock at the hands of savage beasts is a sign that the land is under a curse. The tragic thing here is that we are bringing this curse upon ourselves.” So Bryan Fischer believes in global warming? Don’t be silly. He believes in the curse of our country’s failing morality and in the curse of NOT SHOOTING DEAD ALL THE BEARS IN AMERICA RIGHT NOW.

It’s not until the fifth paragraph that we get the first mention of a human fatality. And it’s only in passing, in words from a man who lost a friend to a grizzly and naturally blames people, apparently including his own botanist friend::

“A grizzly is a top-level carnivore; at times he will act like one,” said Chuck Neal, author of “Grizzlies in the Mist,” who lost a botanist friend to a grizzly attack this year. “People are a readily available source of high-quality protein. We eat too much and exercise too little. We’re like a hot dog on two legs.”

Yep, the problem is those pesky couch potato homo sapiens who just need to get in better shape. So they, what, can outrun a bear?

Watch it, Fischer. Don’t give that evil witch Michelle Obama any ideas. She WILL force you to get into shape, even if it means chancing your getting eaten by a bear.

One human being is worth more than an infinite number of grizzly bears. Another way to put it is that there is no number of live grizzlies worth one dead human being. If it’s a choice between grizzlies and humans, the grizzlies have to go. And it’s time.

You had a good run, bears. But you’re on the all-powerful Jesus-endorsed AFA’s extinction wish-list now. [AFA]

 
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{ 196 comments }

Mindblank November 9, 2010 at 2:42 pm

I don't have to be fast enough to outrun a grizzly, I just have to be fast enough to outrun a scooter-mounted Teabagger trying to outrun a grizzly. They are 'bear bags' on wheels.

SecretMuslin November 9, 2010 at 2:48 pm

Teabaggers dream of glorious, human-sized hot dogs. Who could blame the bears?

CapnFatback November 9, 2010 at 3:10 pm

a hot dog on two legs

I believe that Jimmy Dean's has this in the works as a follow-up to their wildly successful Pancakes and Sausage on a Stick line.

WIDTAP November 9, 2010 at 3:19 pm

Actually, you only have to run as fast as the tea-scooter as long as you have a slight lead. However you do have to run further than their lead-acid batteries will last,

CessnaDriver November 9, 2010 at 4:41 pm

The problem with bears is that they are pretty smart. They might figure out that the faster humans are more nutritious.

Run a little farther, get a better prize!

SorosBot November 9, 2010 at 4:48 pm

But what if it's one that's smarter than the av-er-age bear? They might realize the teabaggers are both easier to catch and provide more meat.

CessnaDriver November 9, 2010 at 9:11 pm

Maybe more bad meat, and plenty of drug-laden fat.

If the bears eat the baggers and then die, the bears will not decay.

Cicada November 9, 2010 at 4:57 pm

Au contraire. The bagger meat is nicely marbled with fat, like the finest Kobe beef. Some enterprising person needs to convince the baggers to spend all day in "freedom pens" so they'll have the tender veal-like meat that bears crave.

revmod November 9, 2010 at 8:33 pm

Are you concerned that without the cage they might move around? I think you underestimate the quality of both America's fast food and America's television industry.

DashboardBuddha November 9, 2010 at 2:43 pm

You got it wrong Fischer…one bear is worth an infinite number of you. Seriously, if you, Rush Limbaugh and I were confronted by a hungry bear I would break your fucking leg whereas I would only kick Rush in the balls.

Lascauxcaveman November 9, 2010 at 3:11 pm

Hmmm… tough call. I think I'd just take enough time to punch them both in the throat, really hard. That would probably slow them down just enough to make it sporting.

Bear's gotta earn it.

DashboardBuddha November 9, 2010 at 3:14 pm

Yeah…but it just dawned on that I might have to rethink the whole premise. I mean the ramifications are enormous…ethics, compassion, logical consequences…does anyone here know how massive doses of cholesterol would affect a bear?

justkillmenow November 9, 2010 at 4:25 pm

Rush has balls?

Dashboard_Jesus November 10, 2010 at 12:13 am

Jeebus gives the Buddha the WIN!

bureaucrap November 9, 2010 at 2:43 pm

Even though they're a tremendous annoyance, we should not shoot all the bears — we should just politely ask them to lose about 90 lbs, shave their beards, and stop wearing those leather vests that emphasize their pot bellies.

SecretMuslin November 9, 2010 at 2:45 pm

Perhaps he wants to take out the Mama Grizzlies? I agree they are a blight on our nation.

Too obvious?

Lascauxcaveman November 9, 2010 at 3:14 pm

And for that reason, I can't decide whether or not this is good news for John McCain.

ManchuCandidate November 9, 2010 at 2:46 pm

I didn't know "Stephen Colbear" was a member of the AFA.

My suspicion is that the big (and I mean FAT) white hunters of the AFA are afraid:
1) They're too fat to out race anyone when chased by a bear
2) Seen too many Yogi The Bear cartoons
3) Retarded
4) All of the Above.

BaldarTFlagass November 9, 2010 at 2:46 pm

Man, I just made a reference to Yogi Bear and BooBoo in the Arizona Trash thread.

Plate o' Shrimp indeed!

ManchuCandidate November 9, 2010 at 2:51 pm

Yogi's smarter than the average AFA'er.

Neoyorquino November 9, 2010 at 3:51 pm

We're all part of the Great Cosmic Unconsciousness.

metamarcisf November 9, 2010 at 2:47 pm

"One human being is worth more than an infinite number of grizzly bears. Another way to put it is that there is no number of live grizzlies worth one dead human being. If it’s a choice between grizzlies and humans, the grizzlies have to go. And it’s time." How many dead mama grizzlies is worth one right wing nut case?

jim89048 November 9, 2010 at 3:43 pm

All of them?

transfatz November 10, 2010 at 3:52 am

Isn't that an identity?

bureaucrap November 9, 2010 at 2:47 pm

"One human being is worth more than an infinite number of grizzly bears."

But what if that one human being is an abortion doctor? Or a secular humanist? Or Al Franken? What then? hengh? Hengh?

Dashboard_Jesus November 10, 2010 at 12:19 am

oh I see what you did there, thinkin' that 'situational' ethics might confuze the 'tards, or at least slow 'em down…looks like a winning strategy for da Bears!

neiltheblaze November 9, 2010 at 2:47 pm

Does he feel the same way about Mama Grizzlies?

waitforsugar November 9, 2010 at 2:48 pm

"One human being is worth more than an infinite number of grizzly bears."

There may be one human being on the planet that this statement is true about. It sure as fuck isn't Bryan Fischer.

Katydid November 9, 2010 at 2:48 pm

How about we shoot the Bible thumpers instead? They've killed more people than bears ever could.

HOFAH November 9, 2010 at 2:54 pm

Best idea I've heard in years. Where do I sign up to help?

BaldarTFlagass November 9, 2010 at 3:00 pm

What about bears with Maxim guns? Abrams main battle tanks? Battleships? Tactical and/or strategic nuclear weapons? What about them, huh?

Katydid November 9, 2010 at 3:34 pm

Ha!

Maman November 9, 2010 at 2:49 pm

Uh oh… better watch out Arizona people who forget to arrange for garbage pick up…. you will be bringing the curse right to your neighborhood

SayItWithWookies November 9, 2010 at 2:49 pm

And after all the bears did for Elisha, he just wants to kill 'em all. Though of course Africa has large animals and look at what a mess it is — so his argument seems pretty incontrovertible.

SorosBot November 9, 2010 at 3:10 pm

You don't mess with the prophets of Yahweh, 'cause their boss is one stone cold psycho motherfucker.

Monsieur_Grumpe November 9, 2010 at 2:51 pm

Bryan Fischer needs to be stripped naked, have a salmon shoved up his ass and dropped into the nearest hungry Grizzly location.

grendelg November 9, 2010 at 3:51 pm

Stuffing a salmon up someone's ass is your solution to EVERYTHING.

Monsieur_Grumpe November 9, 2010 at 4:20 pm

Yes.

Barrelhse November 9, 2010 at 6:18 pm

TWO salmon.

OneDollarJuana November 9, 2010 at 2:51 pm

I'm sure the AFA's reasoning applies to the other kind of bears, too. The ones in San Francisco…

Oblios_Cap November 9, 2010 at 3:03 pm

You're late to the dance. Someone already picked up on that…

metamarcisf November 9, 2010 at 2:51 pm

Little Bryan Fischer is a happy mongoloid. Thanks to the tea party, he is a gainfully employed columnist instead of a two-bit hooker in the back-alley restrooms of Boise, Idaho.

GuyClinch November 9, 2010 at 2:51 pm

No kidding. Bryan Fischer is like unpaid writing staff for Colbert. What a chump.

SorosBot November 9, 2010 at 2:52 pm

The actual content of the post was actually pleasantly surprising, since from the title I thought the creep was calling for the death penalty for hairy gay men.

Badonkadonkette November 9, 2010 at 2:53 pm

Or, I'VE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKING BEARS ON THESE MOTHERFUCKING PLAINS!!!

notreelyhelping November 9, 2010 at 3:47 pm

Bing!

vanishing13 November 9, 2010 at 2:54 pm

One pile of grizzly bear shit is worth more than an infinite number of closet cased bigots like Bryan Fischer.

nounverb911 November 9, 2010 at 2:55 pm

If Fischer kills all the Mama Grizzlies, where will little Teabaggers come from?

DahBoner November 9, 2010 at 4:40 pm

Bristol.

mumbly_joe November 9, 2010 at 2:55 pm

Shorter Bryan Fischer: "Thou shalt never suffer a bear to live".

I mean, he is right, technically, that there's one passage in the bible where God sends bears as agents of his wrath, to maul people. UNfortunately, God sends bears as agents of his wrath at disrespect of Elisha for being an Old, not as agents of his wrath at the continued existence of bears. Even Space-Gandalf apparently thinks something like that would be asinine and incoherent.

CrankyLttlCamperette November 9, 2010 at 2:56 pm

Am I the only one who would love to see a AFA-PETA cagematch? Two extreme points-of-view enter, only one (or none?) leaves!

For the bears, of course, not for my own personal amusement. Won't somebody think of the bears?

SexySmurf November 9, 2010 at 3:03 pm

Jenna Jameson would smother them her fake ta-tas.

SorosBot November 9, 2010 at 3:09 pm

An AFA-PETA-Bear cagematch, unarmed. Something tells more two annoying groups would soon be lunch.

Lascauxcaveman November 9, 2010 at 3:18 pm

I second your proposal with the suggestion the the winner gets to take on a grizzly bear for the World Championship.

johnnyzhivago November 9, 2010 at 2:56 pm

Better idea!

How about allowing hunters to shoot people who are littering?

jim89048 November 9, 2010 at 3:02 pm

Since in many cases it is the hunters themselves doing the littering, this could be a worthy thing.

HELisforHEL November 9, 2010 at 3:44 pm

If I can do that I'll get that hunting license.

Allmighty_Manos November 9, 2010 at 2:56 pm

The AFA is kind of like the Stooges and Focus on the Family is like the Beatles. The later is a lot smoother and easier on the ears, but AFA is a lot more fun to watch.

BeWoot November 9, 2010 at 4:32 pm

"The AFA is kind of like the Stooges and Focus on the Family is like the Beatles" … ?

No, oh, no. You have to be an Old to understand this, but AFA is kind of like The Archies and Focus on the Family is like the 1910 Fruit Gum Family — except both bands are made up of evil idiots.

elviouslyqueer November 9, 2010 at 3:00 pm

Dear Lord:

Would it be too much of an imposition for you to provide an appropriately nasty gay scandal involving Bryan Fischer rogering Andrew Shirvell with a gigantic two-headed black dildo in the backroom of a Tupelo biker bar? I'm not asking for much, really, and you can always file this under "smiting the hypocrites" or some such.

Oh, and PS: don't forget our previous conversation about plaguing Sarah Palin with a nasty case of pubic lice. Just because.

Regards,
EQ

Monsieur_Grumpe November 9, 2010 at 3:09 pm

Amen.

SheriffRoscoe November 9, 2010 at 3:15 pm

Gaymen.

jus_wonderin November 9, 2010 at 4:27 pm

This is a perfect prayer for it doesn't ask for something an individual would want. It asks for something that many want. So, God, I second this prayer and ask that you really go heavy on the pubic lice. Don't hold back. Go all biblical!!!!

Rotundo_ November 9, 2010 at 5:19 pm

Oh Lord, Answer brother elviously's request, and a personal request if you see fit: Please tie Mitch McConnell into the request as well, for a trifecta of karmic correction?

Thanks,
Your humble servant,

Dashboard_Jesus November 10, 2010 at 12:24 am

at first glance I thought you said 'public' lice and I already gave her plenty of them little critters!

Worthly Wokette Skum November 9, 2010 at 3:01 pm

How does Bryan Fischer feel about cars?

SecretMuslin November 9, 2010 at 3:13 pm

Or Predator Drones?

chicken_thief November 9, 2010 at 4:21 pm

We don't have to guess. We can just read the Bible and it will tell us per-ZAKLY what to think about cars. Or the Constitution. I'm sure its covered in one or the other.

BaldarTFlagass November 9, 2010 at 3:02 pm

But what if the loving monogamous bear couples are procreating to the tune of at least three cubs? What then, I ask?

Extemporanus November 9, 2010 at 3:15 pm

Then you're just a Goldilocks shy of a just-right gangbang.

(Coincidentally, "Goldilocks Gangbang" is my new band name.)

CapnFatback November 9, 2010 at 3:22 pm

(Coincidentally, "Goldilocks Gangbang" is my new band name.)

And, apparently, "Dave Berry" is your new persona.

jim89048 November 9, 2010 at 3:18 pm

I don't think even Colbert has given any thought to Quivefull bears.

Crank_Tango November 9, 2010 at 3:02 pm

Bad news, bears.

HELisforHEL November 9, 2010 at 3:46 pm

Well there ya go. We have our WIN.

CapeClod November 9, 2010 at 3:02 pm

Why stop at just the grizzly bears? Let's kill all the animals. They're breathing our air.

Ducksworthy November 9, 2010 at 3:08 pm

Why stop there. Do you have any idea how non-white, non-Amerikan, non-christians are breathing our Gawd Given Air? Nuke em all. That's what Jeebus wants.

genxr November 9, 2010 at 4:04 pm

They're coming right at us!

CapnFatback November 9, 2010 at 3:04 pm

Fischer simply needs to visit the shores of Lake Michigan just off Lake Shore Drive; he'll find plenty of harmless Bears there every other Sunday or so.

petehammer November 9, 2010 at 4:26 pm

Once every 20 years or so, however, these Bears learn to shuffle.

Oblios_Cap November 9, 2010 at 3:05 pm

“God makes it clear in Scripture that deaths of people and livestock at the hands of savage beasts is a sign that the land is under a curse.”

That fucking Aurthur must have lost Excaliber again.

BornInATrailer November 9, 2010 at 3:06 pm

I support bear amnesty and a guest bear program.

SexySmurf November 9, 2010 at 3:06 pm

"his own botanist friend:: "

Why is Bryan Fischer so obsessed with colons?

Ducksworthy November 9, 2010 at 3:10 pm

Has the double colon replaced toe tapping as a secrete signal of a desire for the Ghey sex?

BaldarTFlagass November 9, 2010 at 3:30 pm

"secrete"

Ewwww.

PsycWench November 9, 2010 at 3:09 pm


We’re like a hot dog on two legs.”

I notice that Fischer chose a quote involving a phallic symbol to illustrate his point.

metamarcisf November 9, 2010 at 3:15 pm

These bears should be held as enemy combatants and tried before a military tribunal.

edgydrifter November 9, 2010 at 3:15 pm

"One human being is worth more than an infinite number of grizzly bears. Another way to put it is that there is no number of live grizzlies worth one dead human being."

So let me get this straight… you're woken up one night by something making noise in the kitchen. You grab your under-the-pillow Desert Eagle and a flashlight and sneak down the stairs to investigate. A-ha! Hitler and old Ben from Grizzly Adams have been rummaging through your cupboards and now they're facing off across the kitchen table, knives in hand/paw, over the last jar of honey. You're supposed to do what now exactly? Really? Man, that's harsh. Dan Haggerty is not going to be happy about this. Not happy at all.

CapeClod November 9, 2010 at 3:43 pm

True story. As a youth, Hitler was pudgy and his classmates teased him by calling him a "Frankfurter on two legs."

DoktorZoom November 10, 2010 at 12:27 am

That's especially amusing because he was from Austria, not Frankfurt!

(I just slay me, sometimes)

charlesdegoal November 9, 2010 at 4:57 pm

Interesting case of Godwin's Law.

Neilist November 9, 2010 at 7:29 pm

Personally, I'd love to see one of you Liberal Communist Pinko SKUM try to take down a grizzly with a Desert Eagle.

One recommendation, however: File off the front sight before you try.

That way it won't hurt as much when the grizzly shoves it up your ass.

[Come to think of it: You people might enjoy that.]

Neilist
Ecology and Small-Arms Specialist
Wonkette Department of Preserving Our Nature's Wonderland From Communist Liberal Pinko SKUM

P.S. Because you asked: Nothing smaller that a 7mm Magnum. Ideally, a .460 Weatherby Magnum. (Or better yet: A 120 mm cannon off an M-1A1.)

GunTotingProgressive November 9, 2010 at 3:16 pm

Why should I pay the bear tax? I already pay the Homer tax!

FNMA November 9, 2010 at 3:21 pm

I have a rock that repels bear attacks. Just in case you're interested.

SorosBot November 9, 2010 at 3:26 pm

We've had two stories today with real life imitating the Simpsons.

HistoriCat November 9, 2010 at 3:46 pm

Today we are all Springfieldians.

WorkTheSaxofone November 9, 2010 at 4:37 pm

We prefer "Springfieldianites."

GunTotingProgressive November 9, 2010 at 4:02 pm

I must have missed the "Treehouse of Horror" episode where Maggie was stored in a Mason jar.

imissopus November 9, 2010 at 3:40 pm

We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears!

bagofmice November 9, 2010 at 4:00 pm

Aren't you the Twinkie.

imissopus November 10, 2010 at 1:13 am

Aren't you nonsensical.

WorkTheSaxofone November 9, 2010 at 4:38 pm

From the Wikipedia article on Bears: 'On their protest march to the town hall Homer chants "We're here, we're queer, we don't want anymore bears" when Lenny asks if Homer came up with it Homer claims "Oh, I heard it at the mustache parade they have every year."'

petehammer November 9, 2010 at 4:29 pm

Are these morons getting dumber or just louder?

kenlayisalive November 10, 2010 at 12:20 am

Clearly both.

sezme November 9, 2010 at 3:18 pm

If God exists and values human beings more than bears, then bears wouldn't attack humans. But since they do, logic would dictate that

KILL ALL BEARS!!!!

Radiotherapy November 9, 2010 at 3:20 pm

I, for one, am embearassed for my species with knuckle brains like this walking around. Although, he is going to make a great Secretary of the Interior under President Palin.
♪♫ Where the eagles soar,
And the bears roar… ♪♫

V572625694 November 9, 2010 at 3:53 pm

And nothing pleases their timber- and oil-company overlords so much as the use-all-the-resources-cuz-Jeebus'll-be-here-soon mentality of a James Watt.

Beetagger November 9, 2010 at 3:21 pm

When bears are outlawed, only outlaws will have bears. Or something.

SheriffRoscoe November 9, 2010 at 3:22 pm

“…God makes it clear in Scripture that deaths of people and livestock at the hands of savage beasts is a sign that the land is under a curse…."

Savage beasts have no instinct desire to hunt, kill and/or eat people and/or livestock within lands which are not under a curse. I think that's the biblical message here. Or, in other words, these holy rollers are batshit crazy.

SorosBot November 9, 2010 at 3:26 pm

I always thought the deaths of people and/or livestock at the hands of savage beasts was a sign that these were fucking carnivores, and hungry.

SheriffRoscoe November 9, 2010 at 3:27 pm

That's because you're an elitist with an elitist education who doesn't READ THEIR BIBLE.

jim89048 November 9, 2010 at 3:22 pm

Only a Commie bear would wield a Kalashnikov, and this brings up way too many childhood memories of the Cold War.

Extemporanus November 9, 2010 at 3:27 pm

"There is a bear in the woods. For some people, the bear is easy to see. Others don't see it at all. Some people say the bear is tame. Others say it's vicious and dangerous. Since no one can really be sure who's right, isn't it smart to be as strong as the bear? If there is a bear…"

jim89048 November 9, 2010 at 3:50 pm

Duck and cover, bitches!

bagofmice November 9, 2010 at 3:58 pm

As long as we have ace attorney pedobear for council.

PuckStopsHere November 9, 2010 at 7:37 pm

I think this might be the Win, actually. Excellent recall, and such as.

sezme November 9, 2010 at 3:23 pm

Couldn't we just settle this peaceably by presenting the infinite number of bears with typewriters?

MinAgain November 9, 2010 at 3:26 pm

Bears. They're godless killing machines.

slappypaddy November 9, 2010 at 3:30 pm

does he know, or might he even suspect, that by his reasoning–and i use the term reasoning very loosely–this land has been cursed from the get-go? and by extension, that the entire planet has been likewise cursed?

how might this fit into his mythology (which me may refer to as religion)? please discuss. it won't be on the test. having to share freedom with such nitwits is test enough.

Chet Kincaid November 9, 2010 at 7:35 pm

Isn't all of creation fallen and cursed according to Christian theology/mythology?

YasserArraFeck November 9, 2010 at 3:33 pm

Given that one 'Bagger contains about 10,000% of the Recommended Daily Allowance for cholesterol and trans-fats for the average bear, I say the easiest way to kill off the bears is to feed them a steady Bagger diet. "Feed 'Em All and Let the Heart Attacks Sort 'Em Out".

V572625694 November 9, 2010 at 3:54 pm

And don't forget the tasty, tasty triglycerides.

SudsMcKenzie November 9, 2010 at 3:33 pm

Sweet Jeebus, this many posts and no "Godless Killing Machines"?

excuse me while I go get gay aborted now. ….

Urban_Achiever November 9, 2010 at 3:34 pm

FINALLY–someone who has America's priorities set straight!

iburl November 9, 2010 at 3:40 pm

You see, the AFA was visited by an angel who gave them some golden scrolls that clarified the story of Noah. These scrolls show that Noah did not save 2 of each animal as much as he slaughtered all but 2 of each animal. The flood was actually not water, but animal blood. Also, "God hates liberals".

doxastic November 9, 2010 at 3:43 pm

Obese, flaccid heat-packing hotdogs? So psychosexually confusing…

donner_froh November 9, 2010 at 3:43 pm

Serious stuff. Someone better tell Andrew Sullivan that the AFA is out to get him.

CapeClod November 9, 2010 at 3:45 pm

"A Winter's Tale." Very good.

V572625694 November 9, 2010 at 3:47 pm

When we want Weyerhauser Lumber's opinion on natural resource conservation, we'll ask for it, thank you very much.

notreelyhelping November 9, 2010 at 3:49 pm

Bonus points if you shoot a bear reading the Koran.

mgardener November 9, 2010 at 3:49 pm

So they will shoot all mama grizzlies on site?

I'm sorry, but I had to ask. Wonder what palin and her gal pals will say to this? She did not protect the Polar bears of Alaska or wolves and uses the grizzly bears as her symbol.
What will she do now?

HELisforHEL November 9, 2010 at 3:55 pm

She'll probably ignore the story and just spit up some more of her daily word salad-y tweetytwats for her audience of stupids.

grendelg November 9, 2010 at 3:49 pm

There is no satire any more. It's impossible to satire people who are crazier than you can possibly imagine. No matter how far you go they'll pass you, not even realizing you were trying to mock them.

JustPixelz November 9, 2010 at 3:51 pm

The real danger is if the bears learn to fly helicopters and start to shoot back. Or if they become muslins.

Neoyorquino November 9, 2010 at 3:53 pm

An infinite number of grizzly bears at an infinite number of computers would write a more lucid blog post than Mr. AFA.

CapeClod November 9, 2010 at 3:53 pm

I have to imagine the mail server at the Colbert Report blew up at sometime this afternoon.

fishskicanoe November 9, 2010 at 3:57 pm

Exactly. You don't want to get eaten by grizzly bears, avoid where they live. You're happy, they're happy. Everyone is freaking happy. O.K.!!

CapnFatback November 9, 2010 at 3:58 pm

Is one human being worth more than an infinite number of grizzly bears?

Does a bear shit in the woods?

Does Bryan Fischer shit out his words?

jim89048 November 9, 2010 at 3:58 pm
genxr November 9, 2010 at 4:01 pm

You'd never get your foot unstuck from there! And then you're bear food.

Rosie_Scenario November 9, 2010 at 4:02 pm

Colbert bait. Also.

Selfish_T November 9, 2010 at 4:04 pm

The column could pretty much be re-printed as-is in The Onion.

mavenmaven November 9, 2010 at 4:04 pm

I don't follow the reasoning even if I try to get into this loser's head. God created the bears, and they are carrying out God's will, so why are they to be killed? Won't God just send frogs, maggots, lice, and hail if the bears don't lead the evil Alaskan people to repentance?

Ducksworthy November 9, 2010 at 4:29 pm

Its because killing bears is something he figures you liberals won't like. This is also why AFA is in favor of child abuse and molestation. For Freedumb! too

CrankyLttlCamperette November 9, 2010 at 4:06 pm

If you don't like the bears, get out of the leather bars?

notreelyhelping November 9, 2010 at 4:07 pm

Seriously, can one even breathe if one is this stupid?

May Bryan Fischer be eaten to death by slugs. Try and kill all them, y'all.

Vinnie Saltine November 9, 2010 at 4:10 pm

Constitutional Amendment #28: the Right to Arm Bears.

thecryingeagle November 9, 2010 at 4:16 pm

The comments on the AFA website are awesome. Thank you America for not letting me down every day.

Auntie_Spinster November 9, 2010 at 4:25 pm

And here I just finished reading about Chumkis' recitation of Genesis 8 which proves that there is no global warming possible because God's word is inphallible. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7h08RDYA5E&fe

BarackMyWorld November 9, 2010 at 4:42 pm

Oh my god…that REALLY happened, didn't it?

LeAlbatross November 9, 2010 at 4:27 pm

The AFA, who also just released a press release that is *against an independent judiciary*, and we should all live in a Theocracy.

If their God is the Supreme Being? Send me to Hell.

Ducksworthy November 9, 2010 at 4:31 pm

The first line really says it all Bryan Fischer: A Hotdog on Two Legs
and so, that's as far as I got. Put some mustard on this bastard and fly him to Kodiak Island.

chicken_thief November 9, 2010 at 4:33 pm

The danged fence still isn't completed. Commies wanna come get their trash. Illegalz is EVERYWHERE ya look. And now there's them hungry bears a'roamin around. How long til the Teatards in AZ connect the dots and start tossing the trash along the border to attract the bears, who will then eat either the trash or the messicans (SAME THANG! ooh, I made a funny!). Nature in harmony once again.

Failed_2_Menace November 9, 2010 at 4:34 pm

If the supreme being to whom you claim fealty has levied a curse upon the land that involves bears dining upon manflesh, your job is not to thwart that supreme being's will, but rather to hie thine ass to Jellystone Park armed only with a holsterful of A1.

chascates November 9, 2010 at 4:36 pm

If it’s a choice between grizzlies and humans, the grizzlies have to go. And it’s time.

Is he suggesting the Almighty made a mistake in creating the bears?

BarackMyWorld November 9, 2010 at 4:37 pm

Da Bears will win, unless the person doin' da hunting is Ditka. Da Bears!

Chet Kincaid November 9, 2010 at 8:52 pm

You can't outrun Sweetness!!

SorosBot November 10, 2010 at 10:25 am

He's been very easy to outrun since 1999.

Chet Kincaid November 10, 2010 at 11:05 am

Right. You can't outrun Devin Hester!! (Unfortunately, that's all we got.)

MistaEko November 9, 2010 at 4:42 pm

One human being is worth more than an infinite number of grizzly bears.

Are you kidding? The ask price for a human trades equivalent to about seven or eight bears, tops. Free Market, Fischer!

transfatz November 10, 2010 at 4:02 am

Oh shit, it's down to three. Must be a bear market.

jus_wonderin November 9, 2010 at 4:42 pm

I am so glad the Bible is not open to interpretation. I must have missed this part.

So Gawd creates this glorious planet, with all its awesome animals, then Gawd hands this perfection to Man and says "Here, why don't you fuck this up for me?"

deanbooth November 9, 2010 at 4:47 pm

An infinite number of bears given an infinite amout of time could write "To Serve Man."

dijetlo November 9, 2010 at 4:48 pm

Well according to my bible, God used a pair of Mama bears to punish 40 young men who were making sport of the prophet Elishas baldness.
2 Kings 2:23
By punish I mean they et them, every last one of them.
Bears are the servants of the Lord. As a Talibangelical, I cannot abide this Godless organization espousing their destruction.

DoktorZoom November 9, 2010 at 6:43 pm

Go on up, you baldhead! Go on up, I say!

Hahahahaha…AAAIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

kenlayisalive November 10, 2010 at 12:32 am

hahaha..that was fun.

"don't make fun of people's hair. God hates that shit."

Fuck Toad November 9, 2010 at 4:57 pm

Isn't this the same guy who called for a pogrom against killer whales after one of them killed a dude? Someday he's going to learn about peanut allergies and demand that every goober pea be uprooted and put to the flame.

stew1 November 9, 2010 at 4:57 pm

Of course, nothing would look better than the white-haired Jesus guy with an apple stuffed in his mouth. Oh bears–dinner time!

charlesdegoal November 9, 2010 at 4:59 pm

He who is filled with Virtue is like a newborn child.
Wasps and serpents will not sting him;
Wild beasts will not pounce upon him;
He will not be attacked by birds of prey.
His bones are soft, his muscles weak,
But his grip is firm.
He has not experienced the union of man and woman, but is whole.
His manhood is strong.
He screams all day without becoming hoarse.
This is perfect harmony.

Chet Kincaid November 9, 2010 at 9:04 pm

Need to fix some translation errors:

He has not experienced the union of man and woman,
So his grip is firm.
He screams all day
Because he is backed up with Virtue.

ShiftyParadigm November 9, 2010 at 5:04 pm

If you go out in the woods today
You're in for a big surprise
If you go out in the woods today
You better go in disguise.

HedonismBot November 9, 2010 at 5:16 pm

Who's Chuck Neal? AFA is only interested in knowing what Chuck Norris has to say, and he'll let his roundhouse kick do the talking.

HedonismBot November 9, 2010 at 5:22 pm

But seriously though, fundie guy actually put pen to paper (or prehensile tail to keyboard) to write this thing??
Satire is officially dead.

Worthly Wokette Skum November 9, 2010 at 5:24 pm

In a finite observable universe (one limited by its age and the speed of light) an infinite number of bears would imply bears filling all available space in the cosmos. This situation would be unbearable, a paradox, and therefore the universe would cease to exist.

I agree getting rid of the bears is preferrable to the end of the universe. Thanks to the AFA for bringing this important matter to the nation's attention.

kittylittr November 9, 2010 at 5:29 pm

I hear the next Senator from Alaska will be decorating her office with a decorative Sarah Palin trophy head on the wall. Mama Grizzly RAWR!

Pragmatist2 November 9, 2010 at 5:31 pm

"We're like a hot dog on two legs."!!!!!!!
Dr. Freud, call your office.

lochnessmonster November 9, 2010 at 5:37 pm

Is he including Sarah Mama Grizzly Bear Lipstick on a Pitbull Palin as part of his culling?

Rotundo_ November 9, 2010 at 5:41 pm

One of those "bend or destroy nature to suit Gods "will" types". Needs to be smeared with peanut butter, rolled in hickory nuts and dried apricots and tied to a tree in bear country with a little neon orange plastic tag on him saying: IDIOT! That way they can find the pile of grizzly poop that contains his remains and point, laugh, photograph and post the picture so we can all enjoy it.

emmelemm November 9, 2010 at 5:48 pm

Team Bear.

mumbly_joe November 9, 2010 at 6:19 pm

I can't be the only one who is now picturing Bryan Fischer mauled to death by infinite bears.

While the nearest Animal Control just cold sits there, points, and laughs. Oh, don't like being torn to pieces by beast-claws? Next time, man up and have the courtesy to get mauled to death someplace where you pay taxes, parasite.

This will surely save lives in the long run!

DoktorZoom November 10, 2010 at 12:30 am

B is for Bryan, assaulted by bears.

Gleem_McShineys November 9, 2010 at 7:01 pm

THANK YOU BRYAN FISCHER! At long last, we have found the litmus test for stupidity and monstrously fuckedness!

There does seem to be a very clear bright line.

Neilist November 9, 2010 at 7:31 pm

"One human being is worth more than an infinite number of grizzly bears. Another way to put it is that there is no number of live grizzlies worth one dead human being. If it’s a choice between grizzlies and humans, the grizzlies have to go. And it’s time."

There are so many things wrong with that paragraph that I don't know where to start.

So I won't.

comrad_darkness November 9, 2010 at 7:31 pm

This man makes total sense. I sure hope the teabaggers will put him forward for higher office so his completely non-theological decision making can save us all.

Chet Kincaid November 9, 2010 at 7:34 pm

Doesn't everybody? Sorry, South Side Bias.

Selfish_T November 9, 2010 at 8:00 pm

Agreed. According to the Lord, this planet should have infinity people who never get killed on it. Let's make this happen, America!

chickensmack November 9, 2010 at 8:10 pm

1. The Bible is a book that contains prophecies — both fulfilled and unfulfilled.
2. Believers are largely right-wing Christian ideologues.
3. Stephen Colbert is a right-wing Christian ideologue.
4. Stephen Colbert is very outspoken about "bear-orrism".

F*ck me… STEPHEN COLBERT IS A PROPHET!!

CessnaDriver November 9, 2010 at 9:12 pm

There was a case back in 2007 where a bear in Utah ate a 12 year old kid.

I submit that the kid realized he was mormon, lived in Utah, and was looking at becoming a mormon teen, so he ran up and jumped into the bear's mouth.

xzargo November 9, 2010 at 9:48 pm

Kill the homosexual bears first…

Pragmatist2 November 9, 2010 at 10:18 pm

Hey, is that picture of the two bears girl-girl?
If so, it's hot.

kenlayisalive November 10, 2010 at 12:37 am

Yes, but then which animal will ride unicycles in the circus for our entertainment? Hmmm, Bryan Fischer? Doesn't the infinite happiness of one human being witnessing a bear ride a unicycle count for anything?

lulzmonger November 10, 2010 at 2:03 am

Fischer has been tipped off as to the Librul version of teh War Scooters:
http://www.themostawesomepageintheuniverse.com/wp

Giddyup!

transfatz November 10, 2010 at 4:31 am

We had a bear come through the yard this fall. It was just before dawn when I saw it digging through a bark pile in my driveway. I woke my wife up, we hadn't seen one in five years. It was a Black Bear yearling about the size of a Newfoundland. Why a little bear like that was foraging without its mom nearby can easily be guessed, but we were so happy.
About a week later I heard the shots on the East border of my place. Two shotgun blasts and a pistol shot. The deliverance dropouts on my east side killed it.
Little dicks, little minds, no shame. It's a bear, kill it. A fucking yearling! Now there are no bears.

Extemporanus November 9, 2010 at 3:18 pm

I tried—and failed—as well.

Pragmatist2 November 9, 2010 at 5:32 pm

Not hard enough.

Hipple, Rev. Paul T. November 9, 2010 at 4:44 pm

Rev Bryan Fischer is a top level Prophet of God. He and me are Preacher Griz's!!!!

GGGRRRROWWWWLLLL!!!!

Gleem_McShineys November 9, 2010 at 7:07 pm

Perhaps he is mistaking the nature of the curse…

I think I might find a larger consensuls who would believe the terrible blight upon this land is not the bears, but Bryan Fischer.

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