free the picinic baskets!

AFA: We Must Kill the Demon-Cursed Bears Before They Kill Us

Sorry, Sarah. Those bears are gay pedos.The American Family Association’s Bryan Fischer left us a present in the RSS feed this morning: a pleasant blog post about how WE MUST KILL ALL OF THE BEARS. Fischer takes offense to a report that global warming has tweaked Yellowstone grizzly bears’ food supply, causing some of them to go after humans and get shot in the process. “God makes it clear in Scripture that deaths of people and livestock at the hands of savage beasts is a sign that the land is under a curse. The tragic thing here is that we are bringing this curse upon ourselves.” So Bryan Fischer believes in global warming? Don’t be silly. He believes in the curse of our country’s failing morality and in the curse of NOT SHOOTING DEAD ALL THE BEARS IN AMERICA RIGHT NOW.

It’s not until the fifth paragraph that we get the first mention of a human fatality. And it’s only in passing, in words from a man who lost a friend to a grizzly and naturally blames people, apparently including his own botanist friend::

“A grizzly is a top-level carnivore; at times he will act like one,” said Chuck Neal, author of “Grizzlies in the Mist,” who lost a botanist friend to a grizzly attack this year. “People are a readily available source of high-quality protein. We eat too much and exercise too little. We’re like a hot dog on two legs.”

Yep, the problem is those pesky couch potato homo sapiens who just need to get in better shape. So they, what, can outrun a bear?

Watch it, Fischer. Don’t give that evil witch Michelle Obama any ideas. She WILL force you to get into shape, even if it means chancing your getting eaten by a bear.

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One human being is worth more than an infinite number of grizzly bears. Another way to put it is that there is no number of live grizzlies worth one dead human being. If it’s a choice between grizzlies and humans, the grizzlies have to go. And it’s time.

You had a good run, bears. But you’re on the all-powerful Jesus-endorsed AFA’s extinction wish-list now. [AFA]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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196 comments

  1. Mindblank

    I don't have to be fast enough to outrun a grizzly, I just have to be fast enough to outrun a scooter-mounted Teabagger trying to outrun a grizzly. They are 'bear bags' on wheels.

      1. CapnFatback

        a hot dog on two legs

        I believe that Jimmy Dean's has this in the works as a follow-up to their wildly successful Pancakes and Sausage on a Stick line.

    1. WIDTAP

      Actually, you only have to run as fast as the tea-scooter as long as you have a slight lead. However you do have to run further than their lead-acid batteries will last,

    2. CessnaDriver

      The problem with bears is that they are pretty smart. They might figure out that the faster humans are more nutritious.

      Run a little farther, get a better prize!

      1. SorosBot

        But what if it's one that's smarter than the av-er-age bear? They might realize the teabaggers are both easier to catch and provide more meat.

        1. CessnaDriver

          Maybe more bad meat, and plenty of drug-laden fat.

          If the bears eat the baggers and then die, the bears will not decay.

      2. Cicada

        Au contraire. The bagger meat is nicely marbled with fat, like the finest Kobe beef. Some enterprising person needs to convince the baggers to spend all day in "freedom pens" so they'll have the tender veal-like meat that bears crave.

        1. revmod

          Are you concerned that without the cage they might move around? I think you underestimate the quality of both America's fast food and America's television industry.

  2. DashboardBuddha

    You got it wrong Fischer…one bear is worth an infinite number of you. Seriously, if you, Rush Limbaugh and I were confronted by a hungry bear I would break your fucking leg whereas I would only kick Rush in the balls.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Hmmm… tough call. I think I'd just take enough time to punch them both in the throat, really hard. That would probably slow them down just enough to make it sporting.

      Bear's gotta earn it.

      1. DashboardBuddha

        Yeah…but it just dawned on that I might have to rethink the whole premise. I mean the ramifications are enormous…ethics, compassion, logical consequences…does anyone here know how massive doses of cholesterol would affect a bear?

  3. bureaucrap

    Even though they're a tremendous annoyance, we should not shoot all the bears — we should just politely ask them to lose about 90 lbs, shave their beards, and stop wearing those leather vests that emphasize their pot bellies.

  4. SecretMuslin

    Perhaps he wants to take out the Mama Grizzlies? I agree they are a blight on our nation.

    Too obvious?

  5. ManchuCandidate

    I didn't know "Stephen Colbear" was a member of the AFA.

    My suspicion is that the big (and I mean FAT) white hunters of the AFA are afraid:
    1) They're too fat to out race anyone when chased by a bear
    2) Seen too many Yogi The Bear cartoons
    3) Retarded
    4) All of the Above.

  6. BaldarTFlagass

    Man, I just made a reference to Yogi Bear and BooBoo in the Arizona Trash thread.

    Plate o' Shrimp indeed!

  7. metamarcisf

    "One human being is worth more than an infinite number of grizzly bears. Another way to put it is that there is no number of live grizzlies worth one dead human being. If it’s a choice between grizzlies and humans, the grizzlies have to go. And it’s time." How many dead mama grizzlies is worth one right wing nut case?

  8. bureaucrap

    "One human being is worth more than an infinite number of grizzly bears."

    But what if that one human being is an abortion doctor? Or a secular humanist? Or Al Franken? What then? hengh? Hengh?

    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      oh I see what you did there, thinkin' that 'situational' ethics might confuze the 'tards, or at least slow 'em down…looks like a winning strategy for da Bears!

  9. waitforsugar

    "One human being is worth more than an infinite number of grizzly bears."

    There may be one human being on the planet that this statement is true about. It sure as fuck isn't Bryan Fischer.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      What about bears with Maxim guns? Abrams main battle tanks? Battleships? Tactical and/or strategic nuclear weapons? What about them, huh?

  10. Maman

    Uh oh… better watch out Arizona people who forget to arrange for garbage pick up…. you will be bringing the curse right to your neighborhood

  11. SayItWithWookies

    And after all the bears did for Elisha, he just wants to kill 'em all. Though of course Africa has large animals and look at what a mess it is — so his argument seems pretty incontrovertible.

    1. SorosBot

      You don't mess with the prophets of Yahweh, 'cause their boss is one stone cold psycho motherfucker.

  12. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Bryan Fischer needs to be stripped naked, have a salmon shoved up his ass and dropped into the nearest hungry Grizzly location.

  13. OneDollarJuana

    I'm sure the AFA's reasoning applies to the other kind of bears, too. The ones in San Francisco…

  14. metamarcisf

    Little Bryan Fischer is a happy mongoloid. Thanks to the tea party, he is a gainfully employed columnist instead of a two-bit hooker in the back-alley restrooms of Boise, Idaho.

  15. SorosBot

    The actual content of the post was actually pleasantly surprising, since from the title I thought the creep was calling for the death penalty for hairy gay men.

  16. vanishing13

    One pile of grizzly bear shit is worth more than an infinite number of closet cased bigots like Bryan Fischer.

  17. mumbly_joe

    Shorter Bryan Fischer: "Thou shalt never suffer a bear to live".

    I mean, he is right, technically, that there's one passage in the bible where God sends bears as agents of his wrath, to maul people. UNfortunately, God sends bears as agents of his wrath at disrespect of Elisha for being an Old, not as agents of his wrath at the continued existence of bears. Even Space-Gandalf apparently thinks something like that would be asinine and incoherent.

  18. CrankyLttlCamperette

    Am I the only one who would love to see a AFA-PETA cagematch? Two extreme points-of-view enter, only one (or none?) leaves!

    For the bears, of course, not for my own personal amusement. Won't somebody think of the bears?

    1. SorosBot

      An AFA-PETA-Bear cagematch, unarmed. Something tells more two annoying groups would soon be lunch.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      I second your proposal with the suggestion the the winner gets to take on a grizzly bear for the World Championship.

    1. jim89048

      Since in many cases it is the hunters themselves doing the littering, this could be a worthy thing.

  19. Allmighty_Manos

    The AFA is kind of like the Stooges and Focus on the Family is like the Beatles. The later is a lot smoother and easier on the ears, but AFA is a lot more fun to watch.

    1. BeWoot

      "The AFA is kind of like the Stooges and Focus on the Family is like the Beatles" … ?

      No, oh, no. You have to be an Old to understand this, but AFA is kind of like The Archies and Focus on the Family is like the 1910 Fruit Gum Family — except both bands are made up of evil idiots.

  20. elviouslyqueer

    Dear Lord:

    Would it be too much of an imposition for you to provide an appropriately nasty gay scandal involving Bryan Fischer rogering Andrew Shirvell with a gigantic two-headed black dildo in the backroom of a Tupelo biker bar? I'm not asking for much, really, and you can always file this under "smiting the hypocrites" or some such.

    Oh, and PS: don't forget our previous conversation about plaguing Sarah Palin with a nasty case of pubic lice. Just because.

    Regards,
    EQ

    1. jus_wonderin

      This is a perfect prayer for it doesn't ask for something an individual would want. It asks for something that many want. So, God, I second this prayer and ask that you really go heavy on the pubic lice. Don't hold back. Go all biblical!!!!

    2. Rotundo_

      Oh Lord, Answer brother elviously's request, and a personal request if you see fit: Please tie Mitch McConnell into the request as well, for a trifecta of karmic correction?

      Thanks,
      Your humble servant,

    3. Dashboard_Jesus

      at first glance I thought you said 'public' lice and I already gave her plenty of them little critters!

    1. chicken_thief

      We don't have to guess. We can just read the Bible and it will tell us per-ZAKLY what to think about cars. Or the Constitution. I'm sure its covered in one or the other.

  21. BaldarTFlagass

    But what if the loving monogamous bear couples are procreating to the tune of at least three cubs? What then, I ask?

    1. Extemporanus

      Then you're just a Goldilocks shy of a just-right gangbang.

      (Coincidentally, "Goldilocks Gangbang" is my new band name.)

    1. Ducksworthy

      Why stop there. Do you have any idea how non-white, non-Amerikan, non-christians are breathing our Gawd Given Air? Nuke em all. That's what Jeebus wants.

  22. CapnFatback

    Fischer simply needs to visit the shores of Lake Michigan just off Lake Shore Drive; he'll find plenty of harmless Bears there every other Sunday or so.

  23. Oblios_Cap

    “God makes it clear in Scripture that deaths of people and livestock at the hands of savage beasts is a sign that the land is under a curse.”

    That fucking Aurthur must have lost Excaliber again.

  24. PsycWench


    We’re like a hot dog on two legs.”

    I notice that Fischer chose a quote involving a phallic symbol to illustrate his point.

  25. edgydrifter

    "One human being is worth more than an infinite number of grizzly bears. Another way to put it is that there is no number of live grizzlies worth one dead human being."

    So let me get this straight… you're woken up one night by something making noise in the kitchen. You grab your under-the-pillow Desert Eagle and a flashlight and sneak down the stairs to investigate. A-ha! Hitler and old Ben from Grizzly Adams have been rummaging through your cupboards and now they're facing off across the kitchen table, knives in hand/paw, over the last jar of honey. You're supposed to do what now exactly? Really? Man, that's harsh. Dan Haggerty is not going to be happy about this. Not happy at all.

    1. CapeClod

      True story. As a youth, Hitler was pudgy and his classmates teased him by calling him a "Frankfurter on two legs."

    2. Neilist

      Personally, I'd love to see one of you Liberal Communist Pinko SKUM try to take down a grizzly with a Desert Eagle.

      One recommendation, however: File off the front sight before you try.

      That way it won't hurt as much when the grizzly shoves it up your ass.

      [Come to think of it: You people might enjoy that.]

      Neilist
      Ecology and Small-Arms Specialist
      Wonkette Department of Preserving Our Nature's Wonderland From Communist Liberal Pinko SKUM

      P.S. Because you asked: Nothing smaller that a 7mm Magnum. Ideally, a .460 Weatherby Magnum. (Or better yet: A 120 mm cannon off an M-1A1.)

      1. GunTotingProgressive

        I must have missed the "Treehouse of Horror" episode where Maggie was stored in a Mason jar.

      1. WorkTheSaxofone

        From the Wikipedia article on Bears: 'On their protest march to the town hall Homer chants "We're here, we're queer, we don't want anymore bears" when Lenny asks if Homer came up with it Homer claims "Oh, I heard it at the mustache parade they have every year."'

  26. sezme

    If God exists and values human beings more than bears, then bears wouldn't attack humans. But since they do, logic would dictate that

    KILL ALL BEARS!!!!

  27. Radiotherapy

    I, for one, am embearassed for my species with knuckle brains like this walking around. Although, he is going to make a great Secretary of the Interior under President Palin.
    ♪♫ Where the eagles soar,
    And the bears roar… ♪♫

    1. V572625694

      And nothing pleases their timber- and oil-company overlords so much as the use-all-the-resources-cuz-Jeebus'll-be-here-soon mentality of a James Watt.

  28. SheriffRoscoe

    “…God makes it clear in Scripture that deaths of people and livestock at the hands of savage beasts is a sign that the land is under a curse…."

    Savage beasts have no instinct desire to hunt, kill and/or eat people and/or livestock within lands which are not under a curse. I think that's the biblical message here. Or, in other words, these holy rollers are batshit crazy.

    1. SorosBot

      I always thought the deaths of people and/or livestock at the hands of savage beasts was a sign that these were fucking carnivores, and hungry.

  29. jim89048

    Only a Commie bear would wield a Kalashnikov, and this brings up way too many childhood memories of the Cold War.

    1. Extemporanus

      "There is a bear in the woods. For some people, the bear is easy to see. Others don't see it at all. Some people say the bear is tame. Others say it's vicious and dangerous. Since no one can really be sure who's right, isn't it smart to be as strong as the bear? If there is a bear…"

  30. slappypaddy

    does he know, or might he even suspect, that by his reasoning–and i use the term reasoning very loosely–this land has been cursed from the get-go? and by extension, that the entire planet has been likewise cursed?

    how might this fit into his mythology (which me may refer to as religion)? please discuss. it won't be on the test. having to share freedom with such nitwits is test enough.

  31. YasserArraFeck

    Given that one 'Bagger contains about 10,000% of the Recommended Daily Allowance for cholesterol and trans-fats for the average bear, I say the easiest way to kill off the bears is to feed them a steady Bagger diet. "Feed 'Em All and Let the Heart Attacks Sort 'Em Out".

  32. SudsMcKenzie

    Sweet Jeebus, this many posts and no "Godless Killing Machines"?

    excuse me while I go get gay aborted now. ….

  33. iburl

    You see, the AFA was visited by an angel who gave them some golden scrolls that clarified the story of Noah. These scrolls show that Noah did not save 2 of each animal as much as he slaughtered all but 2 of each animal. The flood was actually not water, but animal blood. Also, "God hates liberals".

  34. V572625694

    When we want Weyerhauser Lumber's opinion on natural resource conservation, we'll ask for it, thank you very much.

  35. mgardener

    So they will shoot all mama grizzlies on site?

    I'm sorry, but I had to ask. Wonder what palin and her gal pals will say to this? She did not protect the Polar bears of Alaska or wolves and uses the grizzly bears as her symbol.
    What will she do now?

    1. HELisforHEL

      She'll probably ignore the story and just spit up some more of her daily word salad-y tweetytwats for her audience of stupids.

  36. grendelg

    There is no satire any more. It's impossible to satire people who are crazier than you can possibly imagine. No matter how far you go they'll pass you, not even realizing you were trying to mock them.

  37. JustPixelz

    The real danger is if the bears learn to fly helicopters and start to shoot back. Or if they become muslins.

  38. Neoyorquino

    An infinite number of grizzly bears at an infinite number of computers would write a more lucid blog post than Mr. AFA.

  39. fishskicanoe

    Exactly. You don't want to get eaten by grizzly bears, avoid where they live. You're happy, they're happy. Everyone is freaking happy. O.K.!!

  40. CapnFatback

    Is one human being worth more than an infinite number of grizzly bears?

    Does a bear shit in the woods?

    Does Bryan Fischer shit out his words?

  41. mavenmaven

    I don't follow the reasoning even if I try to get into this loser's head. God created the bears, and they are carrying out God's will, so why are they to be killed? Won't God just send frogs, maggots, lice, and hail if the bears don't lead the evil Alaskan people to repentance?

    1. Ducksworthy

      Its because killing bears is something he figures you liberals won't like. This is also why AFA is in favor of child abuse and molestation. For Freedumb! too

  42. notreelyhelping

    Seriously, can one even breathe if one is this stupid?

    May Bryan Fischer be eaten to death by slugs. Try and kill all them, y'all.

  43. LeAlbatross

    The AFA, who also just released a press release that is *against an independent judiciary*, and we should all live in a Theocracy.

    If their God is the Supreme Being? Send me to Hell.

  44. Ducksworthy

    The first line really says it all Bryan Fischer: A Hotdog on Two Legs
    and so, that's as far as I got. Put some mustard on this bastard and fly him to Kodiak Island.

  45. chicken_thief

    The danged fence still isn't completed. Commies wanna come get their trash. Illegalz is EVERYWHERE ya look. And now there's them hungry bears a'roamin around. How long til the Teatards in AZ connect the dots and start tossing the trash along the border to attract the bears, who will then eat either the trash or the messicans (SAME THANG! ooh, I made a funny!). Nature in harmony once again.

  46. Failed_2_Menace

    If the supreme being to whom you claim fealty has levied a curse upon the land that involves bears dining upon manflesh, your job is not to thwart that supreme being's will, but rather to hie thine ass to Jellystone Park armed only with a holsterful of A1.

  47. chascates

    If it’s a choice between grizzlies and humans, the grizzlies have to go. And it’s time.

    Is he suggesting the Almighty made a mistake in creating the bears?

  48. MistaEko

    One human being is worth more than an infinite number of grizzly bears.

    Are you kidding? The ask price for a human trades equivalent to about seven or eight bears, tops. Free Market, Fischer!

  49. jus_wonderin

    I am so glad the Bible is not open to interpretation. I must have missed this part.

    So Gawd creates this glorious planet, with all its awesome animals, then Gawd hands this perfection to Man and says "Here, why don't you fuck this up for me?"

  50. dijetlo

    Well according to my bible, God used a pair of Mama bears to punish 40 young men who were making sport of the prophet Elishas baldness.
    2 Kings 2:23
    By punish I mean they et them, every last one of them.
    Bears are the servants of the Lord. As a Talibangelical, I cannot abide this Godless organization espousing their destruction.

  51. Fuck Toad

    Isn't this the same guy who called for a pogrom against killer whales after one of them killed a dude? Someday he's going to learn about peanut allergies and demand that every goober pea be uprooted and put to the flame.

  52. stew1

    Of course, nothing would look better than the white-haired Jesus guy with an apple stuffed in his mouth. Oh bears–dinner time!

  53. charlesdegoal

    He who is filled with Virtue is like a newborn child.
    Wasps and serpents will not sting him;
    Wild beasts will not pounce upon him;
    He will not be attacked by birds of prey.
    His bones are soft, his muscles weak,
    But his grip is firm.
    He has not experienced the union of man and woman, but is whole.
    His manhood is strong.
    He screams all day without becoming hoarse.
    This is perfect harmony.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Need to fix some translation errors:

      He has not experienced the union of man and woman,
      So his grip is firm.
      He screams all day
      Because he is backed up with Virtue.

  54. ShiftyParadigm

    If you go out in the woods today
    You're in for a big surprise
    If you go out in the woods today
    You better go in disguise.

  55. HedonismBot

    Who's Chuck Neal? AFA is only interested in knowing what Chuck Norris has to say, and he'll let his roundhouse kick do the talking.

    1. HedonismBot

      But seriously though, fundie guy actually put pen to paper (or prehensile tail to keyboard) to write this thing??
      Satire is officially dead.

  56. Worthly Wokette Skum

    In a finite observable universe (one limited by its age and the speed of light) an infinite number of bears would imply bears filling all available space in the cosmos. This situation would be unbearable, a paradox, and therefore the universe would cease to exist.

    I agree getting rid of the bears is preferrable to the end of the universe. Thanks to the AFA for bringing this important matter to the nation's attention.

  57. lochnessmonster

    Is he including Sarah Mama Grizzly Bear Lipstick on a Pitbull Palin as part of his culling?

  58. Rotundo_

    One of those "bend or destroy nature to suit Gods "will" types". Needs to be smeared with peanut butter, rolled in hickory nuts and dried apricots and tied to a tree in bear country with a little neon orange plastic tag on him saying: IDIOT! That way they can find the pile of grizzly poop that contains his remains and point, laugh, photograph and post the picture so we can all enjoy it.

  59. mumbly_joe

    I can't be the only one who is now picturing Bryan Fischer mauled to death by infinite bears.

    While the nearest Animal Control just cold sits there, points, and laughs. Oh, don't like being torn to pieces by beast-claws? Next time, man up and have the courtesy to get mauled to death someplace where you pay taxes, parasite.

    This will surely save lives in the long run!

  60. Gleem_McShineys

    THANK YOU BRYAN FISCHER! At long last, we have found the litmus test for stupidity and monstrously fuckedness!

    There does seem to be a very clear bright line.

  61. Neilist

    "One human being is worth more than an infinite number of grizzly bears. Another way to put it is that there is no number of live grizzlies worth one dead human being. If it’s a choice between grizzlies and humans, the grizzlies have to go. And it’s time."

    There are so many things wrong with that paragraph that I don't know where to start.

    So I won't.

  62. comrad_darkness

    This man makes total sense. I sure hope the teabaggers will put him forward for higher office so his completely non-theological decision making can save us all.

  63. Selfish_T

    Agreed. According to the Lord, this planet should have infinity people who never get killed on it. Let's make this happen, America!

  64. chickensmack

    1. The Bible is a book that contains prophecies — both fulfilled and unfulfilled.
    2. Believers are largely right-wing Christian ideologues.
    3. Stephen Colbert is a right-wing Christian ideologue.
    4. Stephen Colbert is very outspoken about "bear-orrism".

    F*ck me… STEPHEN COLBERT IS A PROPHET!!

  65. CessnaDriver

    There was a case back in 2007 where a bear in Utah ate a 12 year old kid.

    I submit that the kid realized he was mormon, lived in Utah, and was looking at becoming a mormon teen, so he ran up and jumped into the bear's mouth.

  66. kenlayisalive

    Yes, but then which animal will ride unicycles in the circus for our entertainment? Hmmm, Bryan Fischer? Doesn't the infinite happiness of one human being witnessing a bear ride a unicycle count for anything?

  67. transfatz

    We had a bear come through the yard this fall. It was just before dawn when I saw it digging through a bark pile in my driveway. I woke my wife up, we hadn't seen one in five years. It was a Black Bear yearling about the size of a Newfoundland. Why a little bear like that was foraging without its mom nearby can easily be guessed, but we were so happy.
    About a week later I heard the shots on the East border of my place. Two shotgun blasts and a pistol shot. The deliverance dropouts on my east side killed it.
    Little dicks, little minds, no shame. It's a bear, kill it. A fucking yearling! Now there are no bears.

  68. Gleem_McShineys

    Perhaps he is mistaking the nature of the curse…

    I think I might find a larger consensuls who would believe the terrible blight upon this land is not the bears, but Bryan Fischer.

Comments are closed.