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The HMS Got My Life Back

  • The National Commission on the BP Deepwater Horizon Oil Spill and Offshore Drilling — better known as the NCBDHOSOD? — has published a very official report which proves BP never made a “conscious decision to favor dollars over safety.” We already knew this, though, because BP thoroughly investigated itself and came to the same exact conclusion! But if you don’t believe the NCBDHOSOD or BP, just look at these third-quarter profits: a measly $1.79 billion. That’s British oil baron pocket change! Seriously, does $1.79 billion really say to stockholders “we favor dollars over safety”? No, it does not. It says “we favor dollars over safety, and next quarter we’ll make $5 billion.” But also it says “Tony Hayward wants his life back.” And while we’re on the subject (assholes): Tony Hayward isn’t even a little bit sorry for playing croquet and eating cucumber sandwiches on his yacht while the Gulf of Mexico filled up with delicious oil. And good gravy, this lame presidential commission probably “agrees” with him, or something. (“We found that Tony Hayward is never sorry, and we aren’t sorry either,” et cetera.) Basically the sea creatures deserved what they got, the end. [Reuters]
  • Everything is awful in Iraq! Aside from the endless death and destruction, Joe Biden keeps drunk dialing President Jalal Talabani and asking him to resign. [McClatchy]
  • Google Maps is causing South American border disputes. [Fox News]
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