Presidential Commission Exonerates BP, Tony Hayward’s Yacht

  it's morning in america

The HMS Got My Life Back

  • The National Commission on the BP Deepwater Horizon Oil Spill and Offshore Drilling — better known as the NCBDHOSOD? — has published a very official report which proves BP never made a “conscious decision to favor dollars over safety.” We already knew this, though, because BP thoroughly investigated itself and came to the same exact conclusion! But if you don’t believe the NCBDHOSOD or BP, just look at these third-quarter profits: a measly $1.79 billion. That’s British oil baron pocket change! Seriously, does $1.79 billion really say to stockholders “we favor dollars over safety”? No, it does not. It says “we favor dollars over safety, and next quarter we’ll make $5 billion.” But also it says “Tony Hayward wants his life back.” And while we’re on the subject (assholes): Tony Hayward isn’t even a little bit sorry for playing croquet and eating cucumber sandwiches on his yacht while the Gulf of Mexico filled up with delicious oil. And good gravy, this lame presidential commission probably “agrees” with him, or something. (“We found that Tony Hayward is never sorry, and we aren’t sorry either,” et cetera.) Basically the sea creatures deserved what they got, the end. [Reuters]
  • Everything is awful in Iraq! Aside from the endless death and destruction, Joe Biden keeps drunk dialing President Jalal Talabani and asking him to resign. [McClatchy]
  • Google Maps is causing South American border disputes. [Fox News]
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About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

View all articles by Riley Waggaman

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90 comments

  1. BaldarTFlagass

    "Basically the sea creatures deserved what they got, the end."

    Tony Hayward better keep a sharp eye for Bootstrap Bill, Davy Jones, and the Flying Dutchman whilst he's out yachting.

  2. BaldarTFlagass

    "Joe Biden keeps drunk dialing President Jalal Talabani and asking him to resign."

    Maybe Joe should enlist the assistance of Clarence Thomas' wife.

  3. V572625694

    Attention Wonkette Overlord Riley: technically, Nicaragua and Costa Rica are in "Central" rather than "South" America.

    Yours in geographic nitpicking,
    V5###, etc

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Hey, at least he got the right hemisphere. Kids these days and their geographic knowledge, sheesh. Well, a lot of adults, too.

      1. V572625694

        "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some . . . people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and, I believe that they should, our education over HERE in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future, for our children".

        And yet: http://2k3hd.com/nucleus/media/1/20070921-caitlin

        1. deelzebub

          Someday she'll grow up to be governor of a red state after going to five schools in seven years to get a bachelor's degree.

          1. SorosBot

            She was on The Amazing Race last spring, and kept talking about how she wanted to prove that she wasn't as dumb everyone thought she was; however, she actually proved that she was even dumber.

          2. SorosBot

            I really pitied her boyfriend, who had to keep dragging them along as her stupidity kept almost getting them last place; and would have wondered what he saw in her, but well those two reasons were obvious.

      1. Serolf_Divad

        I hereby proclam that South America (and by that I mean Mexico on downward) be henceforth and forever renamed "South of America."

        1. HedonismBot

          Hear hear! I proudly hoist my mug of bacon grease and pure, sweet crude in honor of your proposal.

          1. Chet Kincaid

            There are a bunch of Scotsmen and Caribbean Dread-Canadians up there who might argue the point…

    2. StillGoinGreen

      If ya caint see it with your back against the mighty wall, what the fuck does it matter what you call it?

  4. real_dc_native

    I want to apologize to BP for all the mean things I said about them after the oil spill ruined my shrimp business which I had to start after caribou hunting tanked after an oil pipeline spill. Sorry BP. My bad.

    1. kenlayisalive

      See? The influence of Rand Paul campaign is spreading.

      Soon white people will finally get that apology for slavery.

  5. PsycWench

    I heard on NPR that the commision is facing difficulty because the Republicans will not give them subpoena power. I cannot quite figure out how the Republicans, still the minority party, can do this, but it's too damn bad that their recalcitrance didn't come to the electorate's attention prior to the election.
    Oh, who the hell am I kidding, the electorate would probably see these actions as somehow protecting precious energy freedums.

    1. kenlayisalive

      What are the chances the democrats will learn from this and use their minority power to block Bachmann's endless and idiotic subpoenas of the President?

      Oh, that's right, zero.

  6. Mindblank

    I am proud, proud, I say! that America is such a friendly place to have a major oil spill. We open our hearts to petroleum companies world-wide, saying, "Come, spill your oil all over us: we love it, mmm. Oh, and you missed a non-oily spot over there." I hope this study puts to rest any troubling uneasiness for those who would spill oil on us in future.

  7. dijetlo

    He's just calling him up asking how many Turds are there in northern Iraq ? Why do they want to form a Turdish state? Why can't Turds and Shites just get along, is there any real difference between Turds and Shites?
    It's more generalized obnoxious verbal abuse and poo jokes rather than drunken pleas for the Iraqi president to resign.

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    I guess this is to be expected once they put Republicans on the board of directors at the National Geographic Society. Here there be dragons! Gerardus Mercator be a spinnin'.

  9. freakishlywrong

    BP has never made a conscious decision. They're too blinded by the need to put dollars over safety.

  10. i_AM_ready

    I never made a conscious decision to plug up the gas hoses at my local BP station with concrete. Things just have a way of happening.

  11. V572625694

    And speaking of "news," why wasn't Chimpy's interview last night live-blogged? And who is this "Matt Lauer" person? Couldn't they have gotten a journalist to do the interview, instead of a moran who just read scripted questions and never challenged any of the subject's obviously untrue or self-serving statements?

    1. HistoriCat

      "a moran who just read scripted questions and never challenged any of the subject's obviously untrue or self-serving statements" … this is the definition of a journalist today.

  12. grendelg

    The animals were asking for it… I mean, look at them all swimming around naked and glistening! They WANTED it!

    1. StillGoinGreen

      And clean water – that's the biggest oxymoron in the world! I mean, fish fuck in that stuff, for jeebus's sake!

  13. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Hopefully Iraq is part W’s book tour so he can see the hell hole his ignorance created while maintaining it was the right thing to do because Sadam tried to kill his daddy or something. Gah. My hate makes me babble like W.

    1. V572625694

      What would it be like if a former president wrote a memoir that was actually a work of history, instead of an after-the-fact argument/apologia, and did not run around whoring it like boner pills on all available media, but rather retired in dignity and let history make its own judgments?

      That would be like President Grant, in fact, whose memoirs are a fine work of literature, who was the hero of the Civil War, and who was almost but not quite as corrupt a president as Bush.

      The lesson is this: over-privileged rich kids can never achieve self-awareness.

      1. SorosBot

        Although there is something enjoyable about a former President who attempts an apologia and ends up proving he really is as much of a monster as people thought, like Nixon with his "if the President does it, then it is not illegal".

        Oh, and Grant was not actually corrupt; that comes from a successful smear campaign by Confederate apologists begun in the early 1900s.

        1. V572625694

          Just read teh Wikuhpedia article on Grant and found you to be correct. He may have been oblivious to corruption around him, but didn't profit from it and died broke. Although he'd been a slaveowner himself, he was a great friend to the freed slaves after the war, and even said maybe we shouldn't just exterminate all the Indians. Thank you for edumacating me, even at this late date.

  14. HistoriCat

    Everything south of the Rio Grande is Mexico – after all, those brown fellas are all Mexicans.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Where I live, everything in Southeast Chicagoland and Northwest Indiana is Mexico, too. As well as everything west/southwest of downtown. Nobama Thugs won't protect our borders!1!1!!!

  15. SorosBot

    Well of course BP never made a conscious decision to put dollars over safety; that's one of the basic subconscious principals they, along with just about every other major corporation, have which underlies every decision they make.

  16. johnnyzhivago

    In other words if BP hadn't been forced to go overboard with all these crazy-assed safety and environmental regulations, this accident would never have happened.

  17. JoeMamased

    NCB(P)DHOSOD recommendation: Gulf Coast goldbrickers should immediately reimburse BP, with interest, as all spill claims are fraudulent, obvs.

  18. neiltheblaze

    Putting dollars before safety is a default position for the likes of any oil company, and therefore completely subconscious.

  19. CapeClod

    It wasn't that they put "dollars over safety." They just put dollars over having an expensive and embarassing oil spill. The safety part was just collateral damage.

  20. natoslug

    Is Nicaragua too fucking poor to hire a cartographer? Or maybe just picking up an Encyclopaedia Brittanica at a yard sale? I know we're all rushing headlong into the digital age, but sometimes it makes sense to do things the old fashioned way. Sure, a Presidential Address is fine for Twitter, but when it comes to mapmaking, blowjobs and pb&j, it's probably best to go manual.

  21. ttommyunger

    And another Multi-Million Dollar horse and pony show whitewashes the Government and the Corporate Assholes. I don't have any choice about the money, I have to pay for it, but I sure as Hell don't have to pay attention to it and I damn well don't believe a word of it.

  22. bitchincamaro2

    Great. A major investigative body without subpoena power. Not that those 11dead workers would have bothered responding to one.

  23. Katydid

    Shorter NCBDHOSOD report:

    We love you Tony
    Oh yes we do
    We don't love anyone
    As much as you
    When you're not near us
    We're blue
    Oh Tony we love you
    Everyone!

  24. Maman

    Those Gulf of Mexico squid should just pull themselves up by their bootstraps and start an ink company that they can pour over Tony Hayward's head and drip into his tea. That is what real Americans do. If they don't, they were clearly brown Mexican socialist squid trying to invade our oil and drop some anchor squid.

  25. StillGoinGreen

    I believe this commission just shit their pants, trying not to shit their pants. If it is true that BP was not at fault and that corners were not cut, then it ABSOLUTELY proves that deep water drilling can fail catastrophically – even with the safest of procedures. Therefore, deep water drilling should be halted immediately. For the fishes.

  26. kenlayisalive

    Cool, so it was an accident.

    Like that time I put mustard on someone's sub when they wanted mayo. I know how you feel Tony!

    1. SorosBot

      Well that's different, you did that person a favor by keeping them from eating that vomit-inducing disgusting white shit.

  27. Gopherit

    So Al-Maliki and Alawi have both been locked in a bitter power struggle that has left Iraq without a functional government for 8 months, and Hopey and Biden call the Kurdish leader in the emasculated presidency to step down to facilitate things. Yeah, that sounds about right.

    Sorry, Iraq. You are totally fucked.

  28. sati_demise

    Ah, well, I am waiting for the REAL decisions in COURT where teh monies will be decided. BP has a couple of partners in this Deepwater Horizon (Andarco and some Asian company)
    who are going to try to put the whole cost of the oil volcano onto BP instead of paying their 'share'.

    Then BP is going to go to court to try and put all the costs onto Halliburton.

    It is going to be a lawyers extravaganza. They are all going to be playin' the blame game and the judge is going to decide. Enough with this mamsy pamsy decision, it only counts when money is involved.

  29. BarackMyWorld

    Of course it couldn't be BP's fault when it was obviously environmentalists fault for not letting every inch of the coast become one big oil rig, and Obama's fault cuz this is obviously his Katrina.

Comments are closed.