The HMS Got My Life Back

  • The National Commission on the BP Deepwater Horizon Oil Spill and Offshore Drilling — better known as the NCBDHOSOD? — has published a very official report which proves BP never made a “conscious decision to favor dollars over safety.” We already knew this, though, because BP thoroughly investigated itself and came to the same exact conclusion! But if you don’t believe the NCBDHOSOD or BP, just look at these third-quarter profits: a measly $1.79 billion. That’s British oil baron pocket change! Seriously, does $1.79 billion really say to stockholders “we favor dollars over safety”? No, it does not. It says “we favor dollars over safety, and next quarter we’ll make $5 billion.” But also it says “Tony Hayward wants his life back.” And while we’re on the subject (assholes): Tony Hayward isn’t even a little bit sorry for playing croquet and eating cucumber sandwiches on his yacht while the Gulf of Mexico filled up with delicious oil. And good gravy, this lame presidential commission probably “agrees” with him, or something. (“We found that Tony Hayward is never sorry, and we aren’t sorry either,” et cetera.) Basically the sea creatures deserved what they got, the end. [Reuters]
  • Everything is awful in Iraq! Aside from the endless death and destruction, Joe Biden keeps drunk dialing President Jalal Talabani and asking him to resign. [McClatchy]
  • Google Maps is causing South American border disputes. [Fox News]
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  • Is NCBDHOSOD like the NWOBHM?

    • Lascauxcaveman

      More like the HWMNBN.

      [/Harry Potter nerd]

  • I trust that this report will be — what's the expression? — like oil on troubled waters. Cucumber sandwiches are awesome. End of discussion.

    • MARCdMan

      Sounds more like oil on the apprehensive anus. Do you know how big around a cucumber is?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Basically the sea creatures deserved what they got, the end."

    Tony Hayward better keep a sharp eye for Bootstrap Bill, Davy Jones, and the Flying Dutchman whilst he's out yachting.

    • justkillmenow

      Release the Kracken!

  • 4TheTurnstiles

    Even without the earth, we'll always have the buttsecks. <sniff, sniff>

  • Crank_Tango

    I'm just glad we can now put this all behind us.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Joe Biden keeps drunk dialing President Jalal Talabani and asking him to resign."

    Maybe Joe should enlist the assistance of Clarence Thomas' wife.

  • deelzebub

    Does anyone know how to reprogram his yacht's SATNAV to take him to Somalia instead of Fiji?

    • kenlayisalive

      I know. Where are those North Korean torpedoes when you need them?

  • V572625694

    Attention Wonkette Overlord Riley: technically, Nicaragua and Costa Rica are in "Central" rather than "South" America.

    Yours in geographic nitpicking,
    V5###, etc

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Hey, at least he got the right hemisphere. Kids these days and their geographic knowledge, sheesh. Well, a lot of adults, too.

      • V572625694

        "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some . . . people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and, I believe that they should, our education over HERE in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future, for our children".

        And yet:

        • deelzebub

          Someday she'll grow up to be governor of a red state after going to five schools in seven years to get a bachelor's degree.

          • SorosBot

            She was on The Amazing Race last spring, and kept talking about how she wanted to prove that she wasn't as dumb everyone thought she was; however, she actually proved that she was even dumber.

          • And she was very amusing doing so. The Amazing Race editors have an amazing knack for showing just how stupid the contestants are.

          • SorosBot

            I really pitied her boyfriend, who had to keep dragging them along as her stupidity kept almost getting them last place; and would have wondered what he saw in her, but well those two reasons were obvious.

    • HedonismBot

      There is only one Merka, and that's U.S. Merka. Also.

      • Serolf_Divad

        I hereby proclam that South America (and by that I mean Mexico on downward) be henceforth and forever renamed "South of America."

        • HedonismBot

          Hear hear! I proudly hoist my mug of bacon grease and pure, sweet crude in honor of your proposal.

        • Crank_Tango

          Fuckit, let's call it all mexico, since we know they are all filled with mexicans anyway…

        • CapeClod

          I sort of prefer "The Spicey Americas." As for Canada, we can just call them East Norway.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            And Quebec can be East Norway's French Quarter. I like it better already!

          • Chet Kincaid

            There are a bunch of Scotsmen and Caribbean Dread-Canadians up there who might argue the point…

        • CapeClod

          Geography is hard. Make that West Norway.

    • StillGoinGreen

      If ya caint see it with your back against the mighty wall, what the fuck does it matter what you call it?

  • real_dc_native

    I want to apologize to BP for all the mean things I said about them after the oil spill ruined my shrimp business which I had to start after caribou hunting tanked after an oil pipeline spill. Sorry BP. My bad.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Harry Whittington, is that you?

      • V572625694

        Joe Barton, actualleh.

    • bitchincamaro2

      Keep your eye on Joe Barton; that apology to BP is about to pay off.

    • kenlayisalive

      See? The influence of Rand Paul campaign is spreading.

      Soon white people will finally get that apology for slavery.

  • Serolf_Divad

    And Sharia is now the Law of the Land in Oklahoma You can be arrested there for not weaking a Bhurka or not praying towards Mecca 5 times a day. Plus, they'll cut your tongue off if you speak ill of Keith Olberman or say the Lord's Prayer out loud.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      About Allahdamned time!!!

  • PsycWench

    I heard on NPR that the commision is facing difficulty because the Republicans will not give them subpoena power. I cannot quite figure out how the Republicans, still the minority party, can do this, but it's too damn bad that their recalcitrance didn't come to the electorate's attention prior to the election.
    Oh, who the hell am I kidding, the electorate would probably see these actions as somehow protecting precious energy freedums.

    • V572625694

      You cain't put a gun rack in a Prius.

    • kenlayisalive

      What are the chances the democrats will learn from this and use their minority power to block Bachmann's endless and idiotic subpoenas of the President?

      Oh, that's right, zero.

  • Mindblank

    I am proud, proud, I say! that America is such a friendly place to have a major oil spill. We open our hearts to petroleum companies world-wide, saying, "Come, spill your oil all over us: we love it, mmm. Oh, and you missed a non-oily spot over there." I hope this study puts to rest any troubling uneasiness for those who would spill oil on us in future.

    • HistoriCat

      We also apologize for pointing out the non-oily spot.

    • Chet Kincaid

      Bukake Petroleum.

      • Carcuntz_R_Us

        Dammit! Beat me to it. I'll give you a (plus)1 anyway.

        The '+' sign does not seem to work.

  • dijetlo

    He's just calling him up asking how many Turds are there in northern Iraq ? Why do they want to form a Turdish state? Why can't Turds and Shites just get along, is there any real difference between Turds and Shites?
    It's more generalized obnoxious verbal abuse and poo jokes rather than drunken pleas for the Iraqi president to resign.

    • Chet Kincaid

      P.J. O'Rourke? Pluck out the Jim Beam in thine own eye.

  • ShiftyParadigm

    $1.79 billion barely covers a day of Obama's trip overseas.

  • DashboardBuddha

    Today we are all Harry Whittington.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I guess this is to be expected once they put Republicans on the board of directors at the National Geographic Society. Here there be dragons! Gerardus Mercator be a spinnin'.

    • SorosBot

      It's like when Reagan declared tomatoes to be vegetables, facts be damned.

      • jim89048


  • freakishlywrong

    BP has never made a conscious decision. They're too blinded by the need to put dollars over safety.

  • i_AM_ready

    I never made a conscious decision to plug up the gas hoses at my local BP station with concrete. Things just have a way of happening.

  • If this NCBDHOSOD doesn't recommend Obama be impeached the whole thing is obviously (oilviously?) rigged.

  • Barrelhse

    You left out the "P."

  • V572625694

    And speaking of "news," why wasn't Chimpy's interview last night live-blogged? And who is this "Matt Lauer" person? Couldn't they have gotten a journalist to do the interview, instead of a moran who just read scripted questions and never challenged any of the subject's obviously untrue or self-serving statements?

    • HistoriCat

      "a moran who just read scripted questions and never challenged any of the subject's obviously untrue or self-serving statements" … this is the definition of a journalist today.

  • grendelg

    The animals were asking for it… I mean, look at them all swimming around naked and glistening! They WANTED it!

    • StillGoinGreen

      And clean water – that's the biggest oxymoron in the world! I mean, fish fuck in that stuff, for jeebus's sake!

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Hopefully Iraq is part W’s book tour so he can see the hell hole his ignorance created while maintaining it was the right thing to do because Sadam tried to kill his daddy or something. Gah. My hate makes me babble like W.

    • V572625694

      What would it be like if a former president wrote a memoir that was actually a work of history, instead of an after-the-fact argument/apologia, and did not run around whoring it like boner pills on all available media, but rather retired in dignity and let history make its own judgments?

      That would be like President Grant, in fact, whose memoirs are a fine work of literature, who was the hero of the Civil War, and who was almost but not quite as corrupt a president as Bush.

      The lesson is this: over-privileged rich kids can never achieve self-awareness.

      • SorosBot

        Although there is something enjoyable about a former President who attempts an apologia and ends up proving he really is as much of a monster as people thought, like Nixon with his "if the President does it, then it is not illegal".

        Oh, and Grant was not actually corrupt; that comes from a successful smear campaign by Confederate apologists begun in the early 1900s.

        • V572625694

          Just read teh Wikuhpedia article on Grant and found you to be correct. He may have been oblivious to corruption around him, but didn't profit from it and died broke. Although he'd been a slaveowner himself, he was a great friend to the freed slaves after the war, and even said maybe we shouldn't just exterminate all the Indians. Thank you for edumacating me, even at this late date.

  • Limeylizzie

    I would love Joey Biden to drunk dial me, that would be fun, fun, fun.

    • SorosBot

      It would be a big fuckin' deal.

    • Barrelhse


  • HistoriCat

    Everything south of the Rio Grande is Mexico – after all, those brown fellas are all Mexicans.

    • Chet Kincaid

      Where I live, everything in Southeast Chicagoland and Northwest Indiana is Mexico, too. As well as everything west/southwest of downtown. Nobama Thugs won't protect our borders!1!1!!!

  • SorosBot

    Well of course BP never made a conscious decision to put dollars over safety; that's one of the basic subconscious principals they, along with just about every other major corporation, have which underlies every decision they make.

    • NorthStarSpanx

      They wouldn't have to, they know they've put it in Halliburton's hands.

  • deanbooth
    • Worthly Wokette Skum

      The waxing trend has clearly passed that kid by.

  • In other words if BP hadn't been forced to go overboard with all these crazy-assed safety and environmental regulations, this accident would never have happened.

  • JoeMamased

    NCB(P)DHOSOD recommendation: Gulf Coast goldbrickers should immediately reimburse BP, with interest, as all spill claims are fraudulent, obvs.

  • neiltheblaze

    Putting dollars before safety is a default position for the likes of any oil company, and therefore completely subconscious.

  • Google is establishing it's own peacekeeping army to enforce it's border making decisions.

  • CapeClod

    It wasn't that they put "dollars over safety." They just put dollars over having an expensive and embarassing oil spill. The safety part was just collateral damage.

  • natoslug

    Is Nicaragua too fucking poor to hire a cartographer? Or maybe just picking up an Encyclopaedia Brittanica at a yard sale? I know we're all rushing headlong into the digital age, but sometimes it makes sense to do things the old fashioned way. Sure, a Presidential Address is fine for Twitter, but when it comes to mapmaking, blowjobs and pb&j, it's probably best to go manual.

  • ttommyunger

    And another Multi-Million Dollar horse and pony show whitewashes the Government and the Corporate Assholes. I don't have any choice about the money, I have to pay for it, but I sure as Hell don't have to pay attention to it and I damn well don't believe a word of it.

  • bitchincamaro2

    Great. A major investigative body without subpoena power. Not that those 11dead workers would have bothered responding to one.

    • CapeClod

      I think the NCBDHOSOD owes BP an apology

    • natoslug

      It looks like they're using the Cheney response: It was the crew's fault:

      I hope the dead workers will be dug up now so that they can apologize to Tony.

  • Katydid

    Shorter NCBDHOSOD report:

    We love you Tony
    Oh yes we do
    We don't love anyone
    As much as you
    When you're not near us
    We're blue
    Oh Tony we love you

  • horsedreamer_1

    Sergiy Brin is a CIA hack!

  • Maman

    Those Gulf of Mexico squid should just pull themselves up by their bootstraps and start an ink company that they can pour over Tony Hayward's head and drip into his tea. That is what real Americans do. If they don't, they were clearly brown Mexican socialist squid trying to invade our oil and drop some anchor squid.

  • StillGoinGreen

    I believe this commission just shit their pants, trying not to shit their pants. If it is true that BP was not at fault and that corners were not cut, then it ABSOLUTELY proves that deep water drilling can fail catastrophically – even with the safest of procedures. Therefore, deep water drilling should be halted immediately. For the fishes.

    • BarackMyWorld

      Well, yeah, but somehow the message will end up being: "needz moar drilling pleez."

  • kenlayisalive

    Cool, so it was an accident.

    Like that time I put mustard on someone's sub when they wanted mayo. I know how you feel Tony!

    • SorosBot

      Well that's different, you did that person a favor by keeping them from eating that vomit-inducing disgusting white shit.

  • Gopherit

    So Al-Maliki and Alawi have both been locked in a bitter power struggle that has left Iraq without a functional government for 8 months, and Hopey and Biden call the Kurdish leader in the emasculated presidency to step down to facilitate things. Yeah, that sounds about right.

    Sorry, Iraq. You are totally fucked.

  • If we scratch the NCBD from that alphabet salad, we're left with HoSod. That's Tony, pretty much.

  • sati_demise

    Ah, well, I am waiting for the REAL decisions in COURT where teh monies will be decided. BP has a couple of partners in this Deepwater Horizon (Andarco and some Asian company)
    who are going to try to put the whole cost of the oil volcano onto BP instead of paying their 'share'.

    Then BP is going to go to court to try and put all the costs onto Halliburton.

    It is going to be a lawyers extravaganza. They are all going to be playin' the blame game and the judge is going to decide. Enough with this mamsy pamsy decision, it only counts when money is involved.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Of course it couldn't be BP's fault when it was obviously environmentalists fault for not letting every inch of the coast become one big oil rig, and Obama's fault cuz this is obviously his Katrina.

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