alms for the poor

For Only 50¢ a Day, You Too Can Save a Kathryn Jean-Lopez’s Life

TRUE social justice.
In rotation with Santa Claus, apparently this too is now a pop-up ad on the National Review‘s website. Please, as you enjoy your bounty and familial love this holiday season, please think of the less fortunate. Please, think of the young K-Lo in the streets of Mumbai, trying to blog from underneath the rubble of Jonah Goldberg. [via Wonkette operative “Elon G.”]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • slappypaddy

    those elves make toxic toys, as ever.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    I never noticed it before, but Rush really does have a pretty smile.

    • trondant

      He's not smiling; he's smuggling oxycontin in his cheeks.

  • Respitetini

    Poor Ina Garten's really let herself go, hasn't she?

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Not sure who that is, but I'm thinking K-Lo ate her?

      • Texan_Bulldog

        She's a cook on The Food Network–pretty obscure reference since she doesn't have the following of a Rachel Ray or Emeril (but is tons less annoying–but also a little chunky).

        • Wadisay

          Oh. I thought "Inagarten" was the capitol city on one of the planetoids orbiting J-Lo's ass.

  • http://www.wonkette.com WordSaladNation

    I wonder if Kathryn Jean Lopez gets to wear the Santa Claus suit at the NRO Christmas party. She certainly has the build for it.

  • SteveMcCroskey

    "…trying to blog from underneath Jonah Goldberg." Close your eyes and think of Reagan!

  • chascates

    I don't think I can spare 50 cents, as I'm still unemployed. Ms. Lopez can just hibernate and live off of her fat reserves.

    • Not_So_Much

      Same here. But I'm willing to send her all my guvmint cancer cheese.

  • SexySmurf

    Working to counter the conventional wisdom.

    Good job, K-Lo. That's almost a complete sentence.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Please give generously — the NRO is depending on your subsidies to keep them afloat in the marketplace of ideas.

    • HistoriCat

      You hit triple digit p – does that mean your hookers and blow are half off now?

      • jus_wonderin

        I think it means he gets better hookers and better blow. But, the price is still retail.

      • SayItWithWookies

        I don't know about the blow, but if you tell the hookers you're going to pay them in p, a guy comes from around the corner and threatens to break your fuckin' legs. And explaining that p stands for "reputation" gets nowhere fast as well.

        • TheMightyHaltor

          What is the p/whore diamond exchange rate?

        • Lascauxcaveman

          Never met a hooker who really appreciated one's literary accomplishments.

      • Radiotherapy

        I voted last Tuesday, and a lot of of good that did.

    • lulzmonger

      Never fear, K-Lo – the steam off my piss is already in the mail!

  • jodyleek

    If I throw chunks of meat at it, will it go away?

    • jus_wonderin

      Careful. Once they know you will feed them, they return; with friends. Big friends.

      Take heart though. This one can't get through your door frame.

    • Jukesgrrl

      Meat is protein. I think she's looking for Christmas candy and cookies.

    • An_Outhouse

      The short answer is – yes.

  • EdFlintstone

    Is this for NRO or to stimulate the Dominos franchise near their office?

    • Jukesgrrl

      If they don't OWN the Dominos franchise near their office, they're not living up to the conservative economic principle of "pay yourself first and every day."

  • http://www.wonkette.com ChurchofRealism

    Give…so that others may lie.

  • metamarcisf

    I can't sit here and let our good friends at the National Review starve. For only 50 cents a day, Little Michael Novak will receive a warm bowl of soup and an air mattress. For just a dollar, poor Katy Trinko will have a science book and a chamber pot. And if you can spare $50,000, Larry Kudlow might finally be able to afford that used Yukon Denali to drive back and forth to his cub scout meetings.

  • MLite

    What's a free-market private company doing asking for donations?

    • Gleem_McShineys

      I think it's called Shaving Your Teabags. Sort of related to shearing sheep.

  • BeWoot

    Working to counter the conventional wisdom.

    There, fixed.

  • SteveMcCroskey

    Can't they support themselves by selling the geothermal energy generated by William F. Buckley Jr. spinning in his grave? It's a renewable resource.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I wonder if the family had the presence of mind and foresight to inter him on a rotisserie, attached to a power turbine?

  • Worthly Wokette Skum

    The world's first XXXL Christmas elf.

    Actually, XXXL would be better wording on her pic than GIVE.

    • petehammer

      I have never been more happy to see an L in a sentence.

  • OhNoGuy

    I thought Giuliani got rid of all the beggars and squeegee men!

  • bitchincamaro2

    Now that WSJ and soon, NYT online editions are pay-wall-only accessible, isn't it only a matter of time before rags like NRO will be compelled to follow suit? My money's on them totally failing whenever that should happen. I look forward to that time.

    And in honor of the ghost of Jim Newell, I'm refraining from making comments on the fattitude of fat girls. At least for now.

    • problemwithcaring

      Someone donate a neck to this woman. (You're welcome.)

      • user-of-owls

        Fuck that. I mean I'll barter a neck with her for say, a half dozen of her chins, but I ain't donating a damn thing.

  • Worthly Wokette Skum

    I'd donate $100 to watch Kathryn chug Jarbara.

  • elpinche

    But I've already donated to the Save the Wildebeest foundation.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Clearly, this is more about hippos.

  • Bluestatelibel

    Wait, wouldn't this be a handout–the kind of thing that hurts poor people because it makes them "dependent"?

    • elfgoldsackring

      Well, I'm certainly not giving her a hand up… anything.

    • PsycWench

      And worse, it apparently might make them breed. She admits that the staff and the writers "will be at it right here, as ever". We can't have that! I'm going over to take away the money that they have now.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Even in this season of giving and compassionate conservatism, I'm afraid my political convictions forbid me from giving NRO a handout. But I'm more than happy to give them a hand up; in fact, I'm doing it RIGHT now.

    • genxr

      I can't afford to give them a whole hand up, how about just one finger?

  • bumfug

    How do I know she won't just use my donation for booze or drugs? Or donuts?

  • Gleem_McShineys

    I may not agree with her politics, but she was pretty awesome in Ghostbusters.

  • problemwithcaring

    Sally Struthers really let herself go.

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      Beer spurt! Thanks for the laugh.

  • Amaravilha

    This sales pitch is terrible. If I don't give money to NRO, then the conventional wisdom will not be countered, and the good people won't be highlighted and encouraged?

    So if no one donates, Eric Cantor will wander the negro streets at dawn wondering why nobody notices him and gives him a thumbs-up? If no one donates, the conventional wisdom generated by Politico will fellate Republicans less?

    Standing athwart history yelling `stop` never looked so pitiful.

    As a side note to K-Lo, I would like to point out that these are complete sentences. As noted above, don't hate her 'cause she's big and beautiful. Hate her because she's a mediocrity overpaid to poorly do an easy job at a publication that couldn't survive in the free market it champions, in a country rich with unemployed, starving writers.

    Oh, and heh indeed, something snarky goes here.

  • Jukesgrrl

    Pay up, conservatives. Imagine how bad it will look if the NRO has to lay off employees. Because we know that the Republican lack of shame will kick in immediately and K-Lo and company will be on the dole within the month. You know, unemployment insurance … that thing the Joe Miller is against unless his wife is getting it?

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    She really doesn't say what they want us to give them and I like to think of myself as a considerate gift giver. Seems like K-Lo and most of the NRO gang really deserve a nice case of gonorrhea. Any volunteers to deliver the goods?

    • kenlayisalive

      Look, I don't mind a girl with a little meat on her bones, but this is ridiculous.

      I can't do it. We're just going to have to let nature take it's course in America's airport bathrooms. Seriously, I wouldn't fuck her with Rand Paul's wig.

    • BeWoot

      Sorry, not my STD. And anyway, it's turkey baster only or no way in hell.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Can't we just mail them some Anthrax? I'm sure we can score some on eBay, or Craigslist or something…

      • Monsieur_Grumpe

        Probably could whip some up with one of those kid's chemistry sets or make a stink bomb.

  • twoeightnine

    Isn't that NOBAMA's logo on her disgusting chest? (And poster styling.) Commie bitch looking for handouts.

  • x111e7thst

    Looking at that mountain of flesh I can't help but think: "so that's where all the government cheese went to".

  • finallyhappy

    It isn't even a real photo- couldn't they figure out how to shave a little off her face and enormous body?

  • fuflans

    invest me in my motley; give me leave to speak my mind.

  • Radiotherapy

    Maybe carrying a chunk of human flesh around in a Ball jar would help her sell.more tickets.

  • CapnFatback

    I know that many of you were generous to campaigns this season. I know that the holidays are coming up.

    I know where babies come from.
    I know that a cord of wood has a volume of 128 cubic feet.
    I know that April is the cruelest month.
    I know how suck out all the good meat from a lobster without cracking its shell.
    I know what kittens look like on the inside.
    I know the name of the actor who played Screech on Saved by the Bell.
    I know that Jonah likes to be held after he gets "central to his point" in bed.
    I how to make a hat out of an empty bacon package.
    I know what makes leprechauns cry.
    I know where your mother hid the Oreos.
    I know my underwear is currently soiled–chunky style.
    I know what doorknobs dream about.
    I know "The Corner" is the hypertext version of an armadillo hooker with scabies.
    I know–now–that it's impolite to treat oneself to a few free licks of a child's all-day sucker.
    Oh, I know.

    MONEY$$$$ PLEAZE!

    • SayItWithWookies

      I know how suck out all the good meat from a lobster without cracking its shell.

      Get it to invest in gold?

  • Katydid

    Well, there's Thing 1; Thing (the doughy pantload) 2 was bloviating on Book TV yesterday. Ever notice how you never see them in the same room together?

  • elfgoldsackring

    Get a job, welfare queen!

    • glamourdammerung

      Get out of my mind, !!!!!111!!!

  • glamourdammerung

    "The fight goes on"

    What fight? The war on sanity? The war on obesity?

    Also, K-Lo is clearly one of those "welfare queens" we hear the conservatives screech so much about.

  • Blendergoathead

    Why don't we have Death Panels for crappy online rags yet?

    • glamourdammerung

      Well, they would not have to resort to panhandling if they could win in a "marketplace of ideas".

    • Redhead

      What about for hippos that waste space and breath?

    • SayItWithWookies

      And the magazines they write for, too.

  • Badonkadonkette

    Y'know, K-Lo, thinking of your own logo and color schemes is a surprisingly effective way to burn calories. Trust me – I know.

  • BarackMyWorld

    I know the original Obama poster was considered "iconic," but did The New Republic ever use images of Michael Kinsley in ripped-off Reagan campaign posters for their advertising back in the 80s?

    • metamarcisf

      Iconic. Like rain on your wedding day.

  • Fare la Volpe

    "Working to counter the conventional wisdom"

    i.e. facts

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    "Get a real job fatass."

  • SecretMuslin

    Gee, the holidays are fast approaching. I could either give my leftover nickels and hobo beans to the needy, needy team at NRO or to the starving homeless family in the cardboard box next to mine. What would Jesus do?

    • DashboardBuddha

      Jesus would give the money to NRO and then, after casting your bread upon the sewage, you would be repaid 10 fold…100 fold. THEN, once you're raking in real money, you can hold charity balls for the homeless…ahem…the deserving homeless. When they're kissing your ring you can bask in the warm glow all of that giving has bestowed upon you. Didn't you read the brochure?

  • user-of-owls

    You can't argue with NRO's highlighting job on Boehner. I would have gone with the more traditional yellow pen, but they sure were thorough.

  • elfgoldsackring

    Sorry lady, BasilMarceaux.com already came to the door and I didn't have the heart to turn the poor mite away empty-handed.

    • Progressiveinga

      Thumbs up! to you for the B M reference. I miss him dearly….

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    She belongs in the Warning: Gruesome Video Footage ad that has been running for weeks on Wonkette. Would not only make everyone want to be a vegetarian it would be entertaining to see K-Lo run through a fat rendering machine.

    • finallyhappy

      The 127 hours movie(also running for weeks here) involves a skinny athletic guy cutting off his own arm- I suggest K-Lo consider that film as a diet aid.

      • MissTaken

        Nah, she'd probably just eat it

    • AngryGeometer

      "If the National Review Online offices had glass walls, we'd all be vegetarians."

      • Beanball

        "Freaks Under Glass"

  • el_donaldo

    That's not Sally Struthers!

  • neiltheblaze

    I hear K-Lo is the reincarnation of the Venus of Willendorf.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Nah, the V of W is made of stone, not lard.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Both approximately the size of a German automobile.

  • http://www.marinmaven.com marinmaven

    Oh, horrors who then will defend the resource rape, the rampant corruption and hubris of the capitalist class that drinks from the skulls of the working class all over the world? To whom will they find succor now?

    Bah, hobodom will do them good. Let them experience the soul-cleansing experience of reliving the struggle of their hero, Horatio Alger — pulling himself up by his own bootstraps.

  • Manhattan123

    Jeezus, even her little author's caricature shows her as a fat slob.

  • Redhead

    Why would I want to waste 50 cents like that?

    God, if the woman donated half her food budget to Haiti, they'd have the place rebuilt in two months (and she might ALMOST be down to a healthy weight). Gross.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    I have no money to give, but I am willing to go to a beach and throw sea water on J-Gold and K-Lo until the tide comes to carry them back to their natrual habitat.

    Please, think of the young K-Lo in the streets of Mumbai, trying to blog from underneath the rubble of Jonah Goldberg.

    Thanks, Wonkette. With that image in my head, I'm off sex for at least another year.

  • mookwrthwilson

    I didn't know Tony Siragusa had a column for NRO…

    • One_who_wanders

      Tony is cuter, more literate and has a real job.

  • EdFlintstone

    Fun fact, K-Lo's least favorite body part………her 3rd chin.

  • metamarcisf

    Little Charlie Krauthammer is a happy mongoloid. Thanks to the generosity of the Wonkette, he can now attend night school and finish his high school equivalency. No more dancing on street corners for nickels. A hot cup of cocoa, a warm bed and a tea party coloring book are waiting for him tonight.

  • Neilist

    You Communist Liberal Pink SKUM should be ashamed of yourselves.

    Mad Cow Disease is a serious, serious affliction. And I, for one, am proud – proud, I say — that Ms. Lopez has graciously agreed to be the Spokesperson for this cause.

    Moooooooo!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Mad cow? I understand, in person, she's rather 'jolly.'

  • xzargo

    I'd hit that if she was a pinata…oops, she is…

  • Burgdorf

    I want to make some kind of joke about the invisible hand of the free market beating her with the ugly stick, but I am just not witty enough.

  • http://grandpaboy.blogspot.com/ seppdecker

    K-Lo's been stuck under J-Go? No wonder she looks fat flat.

  • Wadisay

    If K-Lo was "standing athwart this liberal," I'd be yelling "stop!" too.

  • Progressiveinga

    Got Heft?

  • transfatz

    I propose that NRO drill baby drill her. It's a win-win situation since she seems to have about half the world's proven oil reserves.

  • elfgoldsackring

    I signed up (as JoesPlumbing, joe@spam.la) and commented, but then saw they only post approved comments, during office hours. Sad trombone.

  • AngryGeometer

    Who would've thought that selling Mona Charen and Hugh Hewitt's hardcover books for 99 cents apiece would be a losing proposition?

  • elpinche

    I see Meatloaf circa 1977 is doing some work for the NRO.

    • SudsMcKenzie

      "I'd lie for you and that's the truth"

      • elpinche

        "Like a bat out of hell I'll be gone when the buffet is closed."

  • xsluggo

    So many Ring-Dings, so little mouth.

  • Ducksworthy

    I waz thinking that K-Lo might be in danger of being eaten if she encounters any of the starving denizens of Mumbai. But then I remembered that they don't eat cows. All she would have to do would be to waggle her udder and say Mooo and she be perfectly safe.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Deport this Anchor-Galt from Wonkette!

    Basta a la emigracion conservadora!

  • monty4prez

    Sorry K-Lo, I can't give you any money because that would be against the free-market. If you can't make money selling subscriptions then that's your problem honey.

  • Gopherit

    Give your 50 cents. K-Lo must feed.

  • elpinche

    Now, let's save this post and all the comments and donate them to K-Lo and NRO. From Wonkette, with love.

  • carlgt1

    So I gather the Koch family isn't donating as much?

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    I think she was the original inspiration for the "roll her in flower and look for the wet spot" joke.

  • chicken_thief

    Hey, Mama Cass! I got a leftover ham sandwich if you want it.

  • catmikk

    I dunno. I vastly prefer "Fund the NRO or we will shoot this puppy."