alms for the poor

For Only 50¢ a Day, You Too Can Save a Kathryn Jean-Lopez’s Life

TRUE social justice.
In rotation with Santa Claus, apparently this too is now a pop-up ad on the National Review‘s website. Please, as you enjoy your bounty and familial love this holiday season, please think of the less fortunate. Please, think of the young K-Lo in the streets of Mumbai, trying to blog from underneath the rubble of Jonah Goldberg. [via Wonkette operative "Elon G."]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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123 comments

      1. Texan_Bulldog

        She's a cook on The Food Network–pretty obscure reference since she doesn't have the following of a Rachel Ray or Emeril (but is tons less annoying–but also a little chunky).

  1. chascates

    I don't think I can spare 50 cents, as I'm still unemployed. Ms. Lopez can just hibernate and live off of her fat reserves.

  2. SayItWithWookies

    Please give generously — the NRO is depending on your subsidies to keep them afloat in the marketplace of ideas.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        I don't know about the blow, but if you tell the hookers you're going to pay them in p, a guy comes from around the corner and threatens to break your fuckin' legs. And explaining that p stands for "reputation" gets nowhere fast as well.

    1. jus_wonderin

      Careful. Once they know you will feed them, they return; with friends. Big friends.

      Take heart though. This one can't get through your door frame.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      If they don't OWN the Dominos franchise near their office, they're not living up to the conservative economic principle of "pay yourself first and every day."

  3. metamarcisf

    I can't sit here and let our good friends at the National Review starve. For only 50 cents a day, Little Michael Novak will receive a warm bowl of soup and an air mattress. For just a dollar, poor Katy Trinko will have a science book and a chamber pot. And if you can spare $50,000, Larry Kudlow might finally be able to afford that used Yukon Denali to drive back and forth to his cub scout meetings.

  4. SteveMcCroskey

    Can't they support themselves by selling the geothermal energy generated by William F. Buckley Jr. spinning in his grave? It's a renewable resource.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      I wonder if the family had the presence of mind and foresight to inter him on a rotisserie, attached to a power turbine?

  5. Worthly Wokette Skum

    The world's first XXXL Christmas elf.

    Actually, XXXL would be better wording on her pic than GIVE.

  6. bitchincamaro2

    Now that WSJ and soon, NYT online editions are pay-wall-only accessible, isn't it only a matter of time before rags like NRO will be compelled to follow suit? My money's on them totally failing whenever that should happen. I look forward to that time.

    And in honor of the ghost of Jim Newell, I'm refraining from making comments on the fattitude of fat girls. At least for now.

      1. user-of-owls

        Fuck that. I mean I'll barter a neck with her for say, a half dozen of her chins, but I ain't donating a damn thing.

  7. Bluestatelibel

    Wait, wouldn't this be a handout–the kind of thing that hurts poor people because it makes them "dependent"?

    1. PsycWench

      And worse, it apparently might make them breed. She admits that the staff and the writers "will be at it right here, as ever". We can't have that! I'm going over to take away the money that they have now.

  8. OneYieldRegular

    Even in this season of giving and compassionate conservatism, I'm afraid my political convictions forbid me from giving NRO a handout. But I'm more than happy to give them a hand up; in fact, I'm doing it RIGHT now.

  9. Amaravilha

    This sales pitch is terrible. If I don't give money to NRO, then the conventional wisdom will not be countered, and the good people won't be highlighted and encouraged?

    So if no one donates, Eric Cantor will wander the negro streets at dawn wondering why nobody notices him and gives him a thumbs-up? If no one donates, the conventional wisdom generated by Politico will fellate Republicans less?

    Standing athwart history yelling `stop` never looked so pitiful.

    As a side note to K-Lo, I would like to point out that these are complete sentences. As noted above, don't hate her 'cause she's big and beautiful. Hate her because she's a mediocrity overpaid to poorly do an easy job at a publication that couldn't survive in the free market it champions, in a country rich with unemployed, starving writers.

    Oh, and heh indeed, something snarky goes here.

  10. Jukesgrrl

    Pay up, conservatives. Imagine how bad it will look if the NRO has to lay off employees. Because we know that the Republican lack of shame will kick in immediately and K-Lo and company will be on the dole within the month. You know, unemployment insurance … that thing the Joe Miller is against unless his wife is getting it?

  11. Monsieur_Grumpe

    She really doesn't say what they want us to give them and I like to think of myself as a considerate gift giver. Seems like K-Lo and most of the NRO gang really deserve a nice case of gonorrhea. Any volunteers to deliver the goods?

    1. kenlayisalive

      Look, I don't mind a girl with a little meat on her bones, but this is ridiculous.

      I can't do it. We're just going to have to let nature take it's course in America's airport bathrooms. Seriously, I wouldn't fuck her with Rand Paul's wig.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      Can't we just mail them some Anthrax? I'm sure we can score some on eBay, or Craigslist or something…

  12. twoeightnine

    Isn't that NOBAMA's logo on her disgusting chest? (And poster styling.) Commie bitch looking for handouts.

  13. x111e7thst

    Looking at that mountain of flesh I can't help but think: "so that's where all the government cheese went to".

  14. finallyhappy

    It isn't even a real photo- couldn't they figure out how to shave a little off her face and enormous body?

  15. CapnFatback

    I know that many of you were generous to campaigns this season. I know that the holidays are coming up.

    I know where babies come from.
    I know that a cord of wood has a volume of 128 cubic feet.
    I know that April is the cruelest month.
    I know how suck out all the good meat from a lobster without cracking its shell.
    I know what kittens look like on the inside.
    I know the name of the actor who played Screech on Saved by the Bell.
    I know that Jonah likes to be held after he gets "central to his point" in bed.
    I how to make a hat out of an empty bacon package.
    I know what makes leprechauns cry.
    I know where your mother hid the Oreos.
    I know my underwear is currently soiled–chunky style.
    I know what doorknobs dream about.
    I know "The Corner" is the hypertext version of an armadillo hooker with scabies.
    I know–now–that it's impolite to treat oneself to a few free licks of a child's all-day sucker.
    Oh, I know.

    MONEY$$$$ PLEAZE!

    1. SayItWithWookies

      I know how suck out all the good meat from a lobster without cracking its shell.

      Get it to invest in gold?

  16. Katydid

    Well, there's Thing 1; Thing (the doughy pantload) 2 was bloviating on Book TV yesterday. Ever notice how you never see them in the same room together?

  17. glamourdammerung

    "The fight goes on"

    What fight? The war on sanity? The war on obesity?

    Also, K-Lo is clearly one of those "welfare queens" we hear the conservatives screech so much about.

    1. glamourdammerung

      Well, they would not have to resort to panhandling if they could win in a "marketplace of ideas".

  18. Badonkadonkette

    Y'know, K-Lo, thinking of your own logo and color schemes is a surprisingly effective way to burn calories. Trust me – I know.

  19. BarackMyWorld

    I know the original Obama poster was considered "iconic," but did The New Republic ever use images of Michael Kinsley in ripped-off Reagan campaign posters for their advertising back in the 80s?

  20. SecretMuslin

    Gee, the holidays are fast approaching. I could either give my leftover nickels and hobo beans to the needy, needy team at NRO or to the starving homeless family in the cardboard box next to mine. What would Jesus do?

    1. DashboardBuddha

      Jesus would give the money to NRO and then, after casting your bread upon the sewage, you would be repaid 10 fold…100 fold. THEN, once you're raking in real money, you can hold charity balls for the homeless…ahem…the deserving homeless. When they're kissing your ring you can bask in the warm glow all of that giving has bestowed upon you. Didn't you read the brochure?

  21. user-of-owls

    You can't argue with NRO's highlighting job on Boehner. I would have gone with the more traditional yellow pen, but they sure were thorough.

  22. elfgoldsackring

    Sorry lady, BasilMarceaux.com already came to the door and I didn't have the heart to turn the poor mite away empty-handed.

  23. donner_froh

    She belongs in the Warning: Gruesome Video Footage ad that has been running for weeks on Wonkette. Would not only make everyone want to be a vegetarian it would be entertaining to see K-Lo run through a fat rendering machine.

    1. finallyhappy

      The 127 hours movie(also running for weeks here) involves a skinny athletic guy cutting off his own arm- I suggest K-Lo consider that film as a diet aid.

  24. marinmaven

    Oh, horrors who then will defend the resource rape, the rampant corruption and hubris of the capitalist class that drinks from the skulls of the working class all over the world? To whom will they find succor now?

    Bah, hobodom will do them good. Let them experience the soul-cleansing experience of reliving the struggle of their hero, Horatio Alger — pulling himself up by his own bootstraps.

  25. Redhead

    Why would I want to waste 50 cents like that?

    God, if the woman donated half her food budget to Haiti, they'd have the place rebuilt in two months (and she might ALMOST be down to a healthy weight). Gross.

  26. LionelHutzEsq

    I have no money to give, but I am willing to go to a beach and throw sea water on J-Gold and K-Lo until the tide comes to carry them back to their natrual habitat.

    Please, think of the young K-Lo in the streets of Mumbai, trying to blog from underneath the rubble of Jonah Goldberg.

    Thanks, Wonkette. With that image in my head, I'm off sex for at least another year.

  27. metamarcisf

    Little Charlie Krauthammer is a happy mongoloid. Thanks to the generosity of the Wonkette, he can now attend night school and finish his high school equivalency. No more dancing on street corners for nickels. A hot cup of cocoa, a warm bed and a tea party coloring book are waiting for him tonight.

  28. Neilist

    You Communist Liberal Pink SKUM should be ashamed of yourselves.

    Mad Cow Disease is a serious, serious affliction. And I, for one, am proud – proud, I say — that Ms. Lopez has graciously agreed to be the Spokesperson for this cause.

    Moooooooo!

  29. Burgdorf

    I want to make some kind of joke about the invisible hand of the free market beating her with the ugly stick, but I am just not witty enough.

  30. transfatz

    I propose that NRO drill baby drill her. It's a win-win situation since she seems to have about half the world's proven oil reserves.

  31. AngryGeometer

    Who would've thought that selling Mona Charen and Hugh Hewitt's hardcover books for 99 cents apiece would be a losing proposition?

  32. Ducksworthy

    I waz thinking that K-Lo might be in danger of being eaten if she encounters any of the starving denizens of Mumbai. But then I remembered that they don't eat cows. All she would have to do would be to waggle her udder and say Mooo and she be perfectly safe.

  33. monty4prez

    Sorry K-Lo, I can't give you any money because that would be against the free-market. If you can't make money selling subscriptions then that's your problem honey.

  34. elpinche

    Now, let's save this post and all the comments and donate them to K-Lo and NRO. From Wonkette, with love.

Comments are closed.