evolution

Pleiadians, Lizard People Going To Explode America While Obama In Asia

Flamer.You feel that chill outside? No, of course you don’t. The weather is getting warmer and warmer right now. Why? Ex-communist and ex-Nazi Pleiadians and Lizard People, that’s why. Galaxy mother / BlogTalkRadio personality / future Fox News anchor Colleen Thomas has gone onto the YouTube from her well-appointed home to tell us that this country is going to explode today from dirty bombs because President Obama, in league with these evil forces, left us behind. Make sure your human meat is not overcooked by these bombs, because otherwise the reptilians won’t be able to sell it on the black market, in space! And please somebody tell this to Obama, because he’s going to die in a space tsunami over there after the Lizard People turn their backs on him.

These guys have spaceships, you guys. Be careful out there. [Videogum]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    What is it about hair dye (specifically bleaching agents) that make them (see Faux Faux Blonds) insane and (no or) stupid?

    • PsycWench

      And the breast implants, teeth whitener and fake tan. It may be more than just hair dye.

    • icetrout

      Love da Ta-Ta's :0

    • icetrout

      No Reptoid in it's right mind would eat her :)

  • BaldarTFlagass

    this country is going to explode today from dirty bombs because President Obama left us behind.

    Today, we are all Macaulay Culkin.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    But what is her position on masturbation, and how well trim is her pubic region, as this is how I now judge all political commentary.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      And, of course, does the carpet match the drapes?

      • Steverino247

        No. The key indicator here is the coloration of the eyebrows. Dark eyebrows means dark hair color elsewhere on the body.

        And yes, there's extensive personal research to support that. 8)

        • Numbat_Dundee

          My pubic research has been exclusively into the taste. I am colour blind on these matters as Martin Luther King intended.

    • RoadScholar

      And everyone likes a little trim!

  • Lascauxcaveman

    These guys have spaceships, you guys. Be careful out there.

    Hell, these guys are spaceships.

    • Radiotherapy

      ♪♫Burn the spaceships down. ♪♫

    • SmutBoffin

      Save us, Gort! Klaatu barada nicto!!!

  • SorosBot

    Um, she says she has a, um, radio show, but, but, there is, um, something about her, um, speaking style that, um, it kind of, it seems to, indicate that, um, she's not, not exactly, um, a professional.

  • metamarcisf

    Meanwhile, I've got to stop listening to the AM radio:

    "This is Glenn Beck, for Cheeseline…"

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    Laugh if you will, but the Congressional GOP has a similar take on global warming.

  • SmutBoffin

    Nadine?

    • phaVoom

      Finally coherent, albeit still totally whacked.

    • 102415

      Awww! Nadine, honey is that you? How well I remember our dear Nadine. Thanks Smut Boffin.

  • Billmatic

    I'm glad she kept her huge rack in the shot the whole time.

    • __kth__

      butterface

      • Billmatic

        Well yeah that's why i was looking at her boobs.

    • RoadScholar

      Those are the hydrazine and LOX tanks for her trip home.

  • JustPixelz

    Clarence Thomas has a sister?

    Nicely toned arms, though. Shake Weight?

    • Rosie_Scenario

      You mean, Ginni Thomas, right?

      • JustPixelz

        Nah. I was playing off the similar names: Colleen Thomas, Clarence Thomas. Also trying to imply he's really a blonde white guy in disguise. A perfect joke, the only thing missing is humor.

  • OneYieldRegular

    I'd normally be inclined to watch the whole thing, but even 15 seconds of looking at a Thomas Kinkade painting is 15 seconds too much.

    • OhNoGuy

      You add the beauty mark under her arm to that & you got a twofer makes this unwatchable,

    • Tundra Grifter

      I thought it was cool how her dress so nicely matches that painting masterpiece.____Very nice, rack, also. Just how old was she in 1960? WoW!

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Also, and too. That chick has got to be AMAZING in the sack.

    • user-of-owls

      Sure, but you know she'd bite your head off immediately afterward so it's kind of a one off deal.

      • SorosBot

        She already warned us that her people like to eat humans, so staying away may be a good idea.

    • DahBoner

      Crazy in the head, crazy in the bed???

    • GeorgiaBurning

      Pass- as Woody Allen said, don't go to bed with anyone crazier then you are.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        He's never met my wife.

        • JustPixelz

          if your wife is over 16, you're probably right.

    • MiniMencken

      Damn you, Lascauxcaveman! That was my thought as I started watching this video. And I have the experience to back that up!!!! Yes!!! Yes!!! But, as someone else commented, the Thomas Kincade painting is an image of the place where boners go to die.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Maybe there's something more tasteful in the bedroom. A velvet Elvis, perhaps. Or some black-light posters.

    • mrpuma2u

      I'd hit it, but give a fake name/email/digits, as I would lay big money that loca chica is a serious stalker.

  • http://www.marinmaven.com marinmaven

    All this reminds me that I am jonesing for V to come back on the teevee. I am on Team Lizard, and I welcome our Reptilian overlords.

  • freakishlywrong

    I can't take my eyes off her hairline.

    • CapnFatback

      Thus proving that you are not a straight male!

    • SorosBot

      Her hair does make her look like she stepped out of 1986; which is odd, since she says she was sent to Earth in 1960.

    • OneYieldRegular

      It's ALIVE.

  • Not_So_Much

    In my own dating experience, Teh Krazee chicks usually love to fuck like bunnies. So, if we survive, I vote we gather 'round her to repopulate the planet.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    It's part of my credo to not watch any right-wing youtube that is any longer than 30 seconds. I clicked anyway, hoping maybe she'd say where she got the cool paisley material for her blouse. Well, according to the sidebar, we were supposed to be completely shut down by an electromagnetic pulse on the 6th of November. Why am I here at work, then?

    Nice rack, though.

    • fundamentallybroken

      I was wondering – if we are all going to be shut down by the EMP – to the very core of the planet no less – then how the hell are we going to continue watching her youtube rack for further instruction?!?

      Don't test me on this Nadine.

  • brendanwynn

    The Spirit of Everything in the Galaxy has the express permission of Michael to f*ck you up. So watch it, earth.

  • http://www.wonkette.com refudiatedness

    I am just sorry that I didn't have this clip before my lecture this morning on Paranoid Schizophrenia.

    • brendanwynn

      This actually seems like some sort of subtype of delusion disorder.

    • user-of-owls

      Oh please, the IRB folks would laugh you out of the room.

      • Sparky_McGruff

        <golf clap> They'd at least make him add a disclaimer and a chance to "opt out" for sure.

  • edgydrifter

    Even well-maintained cougar flesh and an adorably retro spaceman conspiracy aren't enough to distract me from the HORROR on the wall there. What is that? Kinkade's "Stairway to Fail at Sunset?"

  • brendanwynn

    Also, when do I get my $5,300,000?

    • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

      In the spring, if you are still alive on this planet. Weren't you paying attention?

      • http://www.wingnutcomments.com thecryingeagle

        So is the $5.3 mil in dollars or Ameros? Also, can I use them at the canteen in the FEMA camp I am supposed to report to?

        • SorosBot

          The money will be in gold-pressed latinum.

      • brendanwynn

        No! I want them now. Only NObama would make that kind of promise. Queen Mother of Everything in the Galaxy can give me my 1World Bucks now!

    • icetrout

      When Obama's White Half get's over it's Guilt :O

  • http://www.wonkette.com WordSaladNation

    Thanks, Wonkette, for posting another video that makes my testicles retract into my body!

    • freakishlywrong

      Back in the day we called that "turtleing" today we call it a "McConnell"

  • HOFAH

    Fuck, we're being bombed by a Doo-Whop group? And a white one at that?
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_tsggM54KA

    What? Oh It's spelled differently? Off to Google some more…

    Oh shit…

  • ttommyunger

    At the risk of sounding repetitive, may I simply observe that if this silly twat had a dick in her mouth she would not be spouting such tripe and nonsense. I would specify my dick, but actually, I do have standards, such as they are, and they preclude me from becoming erect for the Michelle Bachmann level of craziness. Palin is simply a lazy opportunistic cunt. That, I can handle, the batshit crazy is instant soft-on for me.

    • icetrout

      Yunger U slurped that endangered bearded clam of Nancy's didn't U ?

      • ttommyunger

        I must plead the 5th.

  • TimeCubist

    Most of the paranoid-schizophrenics I've known were considerably less well turned-out than this nice lady (cf: homeless, unwashed, dressed in greasy rags–thanks, Reagan). How does she do it? They all had exactly the same line of patter though.

    Also, the Artist of Light<tm>?

    • Lascauxcaveman

      She probably just goes off her meds once in awhile when she's feeling bored and lonely. Skip the meds, turn on the video camera, and you've had a fun and safe weekend.

    • SorosBot

      Surely you should realize that our Pleiadian and Andromedan overlords would make sure that their humanform agents would be given the resources to live comfortably on Earth.

      • TimeCubist

        Chilling.

    • JustPixelz

      OT: You can get the superscripted ™ by copy/pasting it from another web site. google "tm symbol". /OT

      • TimeCubist

        Thanks for the tip. I was going to look up the alt code, but was overmastered by fatigue.

      • Chet Kincaid

        On a Mac:
        © option-g
        ™ option-2
        ® option-r

  • fredbell

    Now wait a second…wait a second…This was a tremendously powerful argument. and I think it will gain more and more acceptance as time goes on.

    ~ Bill Kristol

  • Radiotherapy

    When does the tongue punching in the fart box start?

  • PsycWench

    We are all supposed to forward this to our local news station so that they can assess just how many of us are crazy enough to believe it. Right?

  • anniegetyourfun

    Well, those certainly look real.

    • TimeCubist

      The Pleiadians have more technology than you can imagine, my friend.

    • mereoblivion

      Are you suggesting that the space between them needs to be called Silicone Valley?

  • neiltheblaze

    At least I now know why the Pope wears red shoes – although I confess, I was never actually curious about it.

  • Radiotherapy

    What's the difference between this and Föx, Breitbart etc? Srsly, isn't she on Fox n' Fiends?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Could be. All them ditzy blondes on that channel look the same to me, being a guy that gravitates towards the duskier wenches. You know, the darker the berry, the sweeter the juice and all that.

      • Radiotherapy

        I have the swarthy attractiveness gene too.

      • HistoriCat

        You guys are so damn picky. In my single days I was grateful for the lustful attentions of women, regardless of pigmentation.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          Hell, I ain't picky either, and if this crazy bitch came on to me at the bar I'd be all over it, especially 3 or 4 rum & cokes into the evening. I just have my preferences, is all.

      • SorosBot

        Same here; I certainly have nothing against blonds, but find dark hair much more attractive, and it saddens me to see so much of it covered by peroxide.

  • Come here a minute

    I always knew the FEMA camps would save us.

    • http://www.wingnutcomments.com thecryingeagle

      I will gladly go to a FEMA camp if it does not have access to YouTube at this point.

  • CapnFatback

    After a while, all of this crazy starts sounding like an endless stream of one of Charlie Brown's teachers talking.

  • el_chupacabra

    Whatever. I loved her in Strangers with Candy

  • nounverb911

    Michelle Bachman has a sister?

  • padremickey

    No electricity or phones for six months? I live in Panamá; I'll barely notice.

  • rocktonsam

    Future cast member of "Housewives of KKKrazy Town."

  • PresBeeblebrox

    Obviously she's Riley Martin's wife.

    • prommie

      The Biavians are obviously reptillian.

  • mavenmaven

    Didn't Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith take care of this matter a few years ago?

  • bumfug

    Well no fucking wonder Ground Control couldn't get ahold of Major Tom! It's all so clear now!

  • __kth__

    Stephanie from the second Bob Newhart show

  • WarAndGee

    The Thomas KINKADE print on the wall in the background is the first tip off as to where this shit is going.

  • DahBoner

    Awww!

    That's so cute that the Housewifes of Jersey figured out how to use that U-tooby thingie!

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    What's the date today?

  • SayItWithWookies

    After listening to some of that utter nonsense I have only one question: why did she quit being governor of Alaska?

    • Radiotherapy

      For the sweet übergrifter lifestyle.

  • ShiftyParadigm

    I have a couple Pleiadians on my fantasy football team. Good to know they're finally going to bust out, because they haven't done squat so far.

  • prommie

    I need to get the number of the upholstery guy who re-upholstered her boobs, I have some old wing chairs that are getting saggy, and that guy did some good work, just the kind of fabric I was looking for, too.

  • real_dc_native

    What ever happened to that quaint media term "Lunatic Fringe"? And why don't they use it anymore?

    • RoadScholar

      Because it's no longer the fringe; it's the entire taint.

    • DoktorZoom

      The loonies and the mainstream are no longer distinguishable. I think this may have something to do with the internet.

    • SorosBot

      They took over the Republican Party.

    • Tundra Grifter

      She's not the fringe because that has to be attached at one end.

  • Chet Kincaid

    I say she's pulling our leg.

    But if she isn't, somebody needs to introduce her to Pastor Manning, so he can get that hate-fuck he desperately craves. They'd be the Clarence & Virginia Thomas of Insanity!

  • SteveMcCroskey

    She totally needs to hook up with the Time Cube guy. Their lizard children would lead us into a new golden age.

    • TimeCubist

      Ahem.

  • x111e7thst

    I may be reaching here but perhaps she gives a more perfected blow job?

    • JustPixelz

      Riley! We need you for some research. Be brave.

  • karen

    I made it to the first "…um", which was maybe 3 seconds.

    Someone needs to tell these faux blondes that the Space Balls helmet-head-hair is a crime against humanity.

  • WriteyWriterton

    I kept her going in the background while scrolled down the thread, and I will now surrender myself to the FEMA camps. Sucking in a lot of formaldehyde just might neutralize my sad.

    • Tundra Grifter

      REX 84 FEMA Camps, if you please!

  • user-of-owls

    I watched that whole thing and you know what, I would like to test her.

    Mostly for evidence of brain worms, but maybe a multiple choice quiz too.

  • uncuntstitutional

    needz moar lithium.

    25 mg BID

    Colleen, honey, pick up your refill, please.

    and whatever you're doing at the gym, keep it up, cause those arms are sick!

    • jakegittes

      I was going to say. is there a fucking medication shortage plaguing the country? Apparently, the anti-psychotics are in short supply but the steroids are not.

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      seems like a reasonable dose, I'll take it! (can you call that in or do I have to pick up the Rx?) and yes, the bitch does have some fine guns, they'll come in handy when she has to go back to rescue John Conner, or whatever (she can put me in a headlock any day!)

  • Sgt_Biyatch

    SS are the key letters here. Think about it. Schutzstaffel, Sons of Satan, Social Security, shortstop, secret service. Seven squirrels twirlin' on a branch, eatin' lots of sunflowers on my sister's ranch. You know that old children's story about the Pleiadians. It's like you're dreamin' about Limburger cheese when it's clearly dirty bomb time, baby. Step into my office, Obama. Because you're fucking fired.

    • DoktorZoom

      Sigh. Guess I have to give up my dream of getting a 96 Impala SuperSport…

  • mereoblivion

    When she says "entourage," does she mean "posse"? (Or another word that springs quasi-rhymingly to mind?)

  • Extemporanus

    SHOCKING VIDEO: Colleen Thomas reveals more evidence of huge dirty bombs!

    • Ducksworthy

      Dirty bombs and decent cleavage. II think if you keep looking you'll find video (for sale) that deals with the terrifying alien anal probing that brought her to this mental state.

      • Extemporanus

        I suspect you're right.

        From the video: "I am fully versed in physics, politics, earth history and alien affairs."

        • DoktorZoom

          She's very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical
          She understands equations, both the simple and quadratical
          About binomial theorem she is teeming with a lot o' news
          With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse

      • phaVoom

        Dirty bombs, decent cleavage and a weird tan line. Explains Colleen's sofa slip cover top in her later, more tastefully produced (and more entertaining) YouTube.

        We're watching Colleen mature in her art.

      • Dashboard_Jesus

        WIN! (btw, how much?)

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      oh yeah, MUCH better view of the Pleidian rack, thanks for sharing! love this YouTube comment (and apparently so does Ms. Colleen!)

      'They are space boobie, highly tuned antennae,that vibrate on a high oscillation in conjunction with her root chakra'

  • kublakant

    As the supreme allied commander of the Draconians and Reptilians, I say bring it on. Light off that EMP. We have removed our people to the safety of the dark side of the moon. We left instructions for any survivors on the Georgia Guidestones. We will return to rebuild once the war is over. Good day.

  • easynewz

    It was all sounding plausible until she described the pleiadians using the term 'shake, rattle and roll.' I mean, come on now, really?

  • chascates

    "That's why the Pope wears red shoes"?

  • Fare la Volpe

    "See, honey, this is why you're called a 'trophy wife.'"

  • DoktorZoom

    Maybe it's from Mars Needs Women (But Not This One)

  • MLite

    Has Beck picked this up yet? She could use a chalk board, but damned if she isn't beating him at his own game!

    • FNMA

      Beck needs bigger boobies.

      • SorosBot

        Maybe Limbaugh should pick the story up then; his are bigger than this woman's.

  • Mort_Sinclair

    She's psychotic.

    • MLite

      Even she starts cracking up towards the end, but I get the feeling it's more crazy laughter than self-knowing. That said, at least she seems to have a comprehensive world view :)

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      yeah but in a good way, with boobies!

  • brendanwynn

    BY THE WAY:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hvtOEHKJsI&fe

    She beats Rick Sanchez. She revealed on this broadcast that the people "at the top" of the media actually want to eat us, for Kosher.

  • http://www.blogula-rasa.com GinnehRED57

    Paging Dr Johnny Fever: Dr Fever to reception. Code Blues.

  • schvitzatura

    A Thomas Kinkade on the wall and a psychopaisley schmatte ensemble from Coldwater Creek, FTW!

  • problemwithcaring

    So much emotion. So little forehead movement. Jeebus.

  • schvitzatura

    My entreaties to the Arquillian ambasssador have gone unanswered!

    A pair of truck nuts hangs on Orion's belt!

  • schvitzatura

    They arrive in a little more than 3 days…so Blondie's predictive wonderjugs were off by a less than a fortnight!

    Stay clear of the L.A. Basin at all costs!
    http://www.iamrogue.com/skyline

  • SimonGirty

    Can't we we just go back to Tuesday and elect her Queen right now? I'm going to make this woman my wife!

  • Mort_Sinclair

    Okay, if you nothing better to do at this time but check out her other vids (pathetic, I know), you'll see that she has a propensity to wear clothing that highlights, shall we say, her chesticle area. I think she's receiving signals through her nipples, which I suspect will reach right up to her ears when she's ready to download.

    • transfatz

      "I think she's receiving signals through her nipples, which I suspect will reach right up to her ears when she's ready to download."

      That's a great visual.

  • DebC2

    Ms. Space Balls must keep her brain in a jar in between transmissions.
    Maybe she plays bridge with Bar?

  • petehammer

    What in the holy hell is a metal blanket? It sounds itchy and super-uncomfortable.

    • Tundra Grifter

      That's a metal blanket "of some kind."

      Just how many kinds are there? Can I knit one out of steel wool?

  • http://theblueelite.blogspot.com simplyblue7

    Eh…the Pleiadians rarely ever attack on Mondays. They're more of a Tuesday kind of people.

  • http://minoritybabble.blogspot.com Minoritybabble

    Still more coherent and more articulate than Sarah Palin, also, though.

  • fuflans

    i think dr. who might be of some help here.

  • ingloriousbytch

    She seemed so much smarter when she was answering phones at WKRP.

  • Gorillionaire

    Damn, whitey went off the rails so fast.

  • AlaskaGrrl

    Palin / Thomas 2012

    THAT's crazy I'm vot'n fer.

  • Selfish_T

    "The Spirit of the Mother of Everything in this Galaxy" is a Thomas Kinkade fan.

  • wok3

    I don't normally say this about people, but dear lord please tell me that she has no children. But what am I worried about, she'd probably just eat them.

  • Office_39

    "I dreamed I saw aliens in my Maidenform bra."

  • MiniMencken

    Why isn't she wearing her Faraday cage? That detail just by itself makes me suspect she's not entirely leveling with us.

    • transfatz

      It won't work. It's only monaday.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Does the text on the side of the video say "Nov. 6" when she's saying "Nov. 8th"?

    That sure was easier to debunk than you thought, wasn't it?

  • jim89048

    This chick is so wack! I live on the outskirts of Area 51, in Art Bell country. I see shit all the time…

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      please, tell us more!

  • psilage

    Children's ice cream, Mandrake. http://paul.kedrosky.com/WindowsLiveWriter/Saturd

  • Dashboard_Jesus

    whoaaaaa…WTF is THAT all about?

  • transfatz

    My rocket is losing control. I'm going to try to land it between those two huge mountains. Brace for impact!

  • Negropolis

    Wait, don't you love at the beginning that SHE's not even taking herself seriously as you see her trying to surpress laughter when she goes straight into the alien talk? That was PRICELESS.

  • transfatz

    Honey, if you're going to defend this shithole you'll need to fire up my "Large Hadron Collider".
    I should stop now.

  • JustPixelz

    It's morning in America. I did not make it to the FEMA camp. I'm in a Holiday Inn in Cleveland.

    Anybody out there? Is it safe to go to the breakfast buffet? Or am I the breakfast buffet for lizard people?

  • Steve_McQueen

    I'd like to 'shake, rattle, and roll' with her!

    Dang, today is the 9th. Guess the Lizard people took a wrong turn at Albuquerque.

  • hicksintheapocalypse

    Why is she wearing a throw-rug for a dress? I am way to distracted by that terrible outfit to concentrate on the retarded things she is saying…

  • L188188

    See you all in hell! I believe this lady 'cause she's purdy.

  • http://ohcrapihaveacrushonsarahpalin.blogspot.com/ Oh_Crap

    This explains this poor person. http://www.youtube.com/v/wM1Mj5Ch5lA

  • Sharingtheroad

    Since we drive on the road with this woman, it's probably a good thing if her car gets repossessed…

  • RIPconstitution

    She gets her material from a conspiracy theorist named David Icke. I've read a few of his books, and this woman is lifting straight from his stuff.

  • http://free-ufo-videos.blogspot.com Sir_Horry

    Relax, Great Folks like Charles, and Hagar, and Mr HVAC, and Sir Artie, and I are going to save the World !!!