Republicans Trying To Lure Away Joe Manchin With All The Coal He Can Eat

  rejoining the confederacy

That gentleman in the fedora was a rogue Republican agent. We knew it!Republicans in the Senate are trying to lure a few Democrats into switching parties and giving them a majority, because apparently they want more responsibility for this crappy economy while not being able to get any of their dumb laws past Obama. First up on the list is apparently Joe Manchin, presumably because all you have to cough up (from your black lung) to a West Virginia senator is the chairship of the Energy and Natural Resources Committee and funding for a plant that will turn coal into diesel fuel so that we can reduce America’s reliance on foreign atmosphere-killers. But of course that proud Democrat told them no, correct? Nope.

“Republicans believe in an ‘all of the above’ approach to energy,” one top Senate aide told Power Play. “And coal-to-diesel could certainly be part of that.”

Sure! All of the above! How about cows-to-gasoline? Pecan pie-to-diesel? Hipsters-to-natural gas? All of that, yes, if it helps certain industries.

Republicans believe Manchin is particularly susceptible to the overture because he is up for reelection in 2012 and will have to be on the ticket with President Obama, who is direly unpopular in West Virginia. Democrat Ben Nelson of Nebraska and Independent Joe Lieberman are the other two prime targets of Republican advances.

Noooooo! Those are the greatest hits of Democratic senators!

“He was elected as a Democrat and he has to go to Washington as a Democrat to try, in good faith, to make the changes in the party he campaigned on,” said one Manchin advisor. “Now, if that doesn’t work and Democrats aren’t receptive, I don’t know what possibilities that leaves open.”

Oh, so all Democrats have to do to keep The Man Chin is do everything he says. This should end well. [Fox News]

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101 comments

  1. vulpes82

    Not to be pendantic (too late!), Jack, but West Virginia is actually the part of Virginia that DIDN'T join the Confederacy.

      1. V572625694

        Ha-ha! — a Colored in the White House could be the last straw for those doughty Mountain Staters.

    1. the_onceler

      As someone originally from West Virginia, I can guarantee that if Manchin flips to the Republicans, he will lose in 2012. Look at the 2010 results for the state House of Delegates: http://www.ballotpedia.org/wiki/index.php/West_Vi

      Even in a very Republican year, Democrats dominate. Most aren't liberals, but they sure ain't Republicans.

  2. LionelHutzEsq

    Senator Machin, we would like to talk to you about the wonders of joining the Republican Party.

    But first…., The Whores!!!

    1. __kth__

      Yes, paraphrasing Ronnie Hawkins' quip (quoted in the Last Waltz), as a Republican Senator, you won't make much money but you'll get more pussy than Frank Sinatra.

      Though unlike Ronnie Hawkins you'll mostly have to pay for it.

      1. kenlayisalive

        Why pay for what you can get in airport bathrooms for free?

        Oh yeah, sometimes you want to shit into a diaper in front of them.

  3. WriteyWriterton

    Am I first? If so, whoo! If not, Joe Manchin – keep running to the right 'til you bounce off the track-wall or crash into the stands and take out shirtless obese Nascarpublicans, and whoooo!!

    1. CapnFatback

      But the dot from the laser sight is on Indiana Jones's kid's forehead instead! Aim to the left, Raymond Shaw, the left!

  4. arclight2012

    Does this really matter? He's just going to pull a Lieberman and side with the Republicans for anything important anyway. Manchin actually becoming a Republican is as likely as Olympia Snowe becoming a Democrat.

  5. Cat_Damon

    I like how Democratic senators are "praised" (expected?) to compromise in order to move the country forward (per the Republicans' views), yet when it becomes public that Lindsay Graham might potentially maybe possibly think that climate change is man-made, off with his head!

    1. paxromanaclef

      You must understand, it's ALL a game to them. Nothing is grounded in the reality tied to their parlor trickery. Can we piss off the democrats and whiny-ass liberals? Yes? Well, then let's do it! Let's show those pansies what's what! What about the actual worldly consequences of basing your legislative agenda on the idea of fuckin' with people? Fuck consequences! It'll all sort itself out, probably. They're the political equivalent of Br'er Rabbit, except it's not cute when Br'er Fox is trying to get shit done and the American people are the tar baby.

      1. user-of-owls

        Sure, but see, that's the genius. Once you exhaust the reserves, sensible energy policy is a given. Plus, you could factory farm them without even putting in fences, given their natural mobility ranges. AND we could run down that oversupply of cave cheese in the process. This is a virtuous circle of textbook quality!

      1. Zvi_Bleindmeis

        "Fossil" fuels? I just don't think they burn cleanly enough.

        Better to use them as a food stock, or maybe livestock feed. Quick, pass some tax credits for construction of new Republican-rendering plants, and facilities to produce Republican-based snack foods! It's all about the jobs.

  6. metamarcisf

    The Democrats' proposed trade would send Manchin and Nelson to the Republicans in exchange for Snowe, Brown and a congressman to be named later, presumably Issa of California, who would be immediately be shipped to Tennessee for Randy Moss.

    1. user-of-owls

      That's just crazy talk. Putting a mentally and emotionally unstable egomaniac in national office?
      We better just stick with Moss and trade Issa to the Ciudad Juarez AAA Verdugos.

      1. V572625694

        Heath Shuler's gotta play in this too. Although using "Heath Shuler" and "play" in the same sentence is something the dear beloved Potomac Region Indigenous Persons taught us doesn't make sense.

        1. metamarcisf

          Send Heath Shuler to Tennessee for Vince Young, who would then represent North Carolina's11th District. My sister lives there; she feels Young's arm and speed will more than make up for Shuler's tepid support of the Second Amendment.

  7. Badonkadonkette

    So I guess when the GOP said they were going to listen to the voters, that didn't include the part where the voters said they wanted the Senate to stay in the Democrats' hands?

    1. OneDollarJuana

      The Supremes said that money = votes, essentially, so who has the most money? I don't think even the rich Hollywood Leebrul Eleet has as much money as the GOP. The voters have/are spoken/speaking.

  8. donner_froh

    Solar? Wind?–Not enough in political contributions (open bribery and phony corporate interest group fundraising) from those upstarts.

    Our elected officials subsidize those who subsidize them. Works for everyone.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      It's my goal in life to be the first US Senator to be a wholly owned subsidiary of Big Wind. Or Big Solar. Either one would be awesome.

    2. the_onceler

      We are not supposed to call it bribery people. It's "being involved in the political process". It's corruption and bribery in *other* countries. USA, USA!

  9. hagajim

    Is this another example of the corporations buying elections? Hell if we can't win em we'll buy 'em. Democracy to the highest bidder – do I hear $10 million?

  10. PsycWench

    West Virginia is, by and large, a seriously poor and unhealthy state. I'm beginning to think that there is a reason for this.

    1. genxr

      The parts that rely on coal are poor and unhealthy. Those small enclaves that have instead opted for tourism and outdoor sports are doing better in general.

      Doesn't stop them from having their annual coal festival, with coal eating contests, coal crafts for the kids, and the always popular Miss Black Lung beauty pageant.

  11. SecretMuslin

    Ahhhh, West Virginny, the state that even inbred, fat, toothless, scooter-driving Kentuckians make fun of!

    (I'm from Kentucky so this is first-hand knowledge.)

  12. Giveusabob

    Convert hipsters to natural gas? Brilliant! Could we also boost fuel efficiency with irony additives (specifically the noxious Irony ™ practiced by hipsters, not the well-known literary device)?

    We could power everyone's lights, while also cleansing the planet of unwanted cultural by-products.

    1. JustPixelz

      Newton's Second Law of Thermodynamics — assuming Repubicans believe in those science "laws" — says that we could also convert natural gas into hipsters. A phenomenon proven by Hollywood Hipster Levi Johnston. He is, after all, lighter than air.

    2. Weenus299

      Are there scientific formulae for the energy extraction coming from certain chins with pudding cups attached to them? Unclipped vaginae?

  13. charlesdegoal

    I don't want to be judgmental or anything, but Manchin does look like a stupid jock in that picture, so he would seem to be a natural for stepping into Jim Bunning's shoes.

  14. Beowoof

    Ah so the knuckle dragging morons who hate Obama for trying to make their mines safe and their air clean will vote for this guy if he is a republican. An anti mine union republican at that., well sure switch it makes perfect sense to me.

    1. lochnessmonster

      They have. A branch of the FDA is helping businesses like Dominoes figure out how to use more cheese and other dairy products at their restaurants. In addition, they are helping them write ad campaigns for the new products. This will help with the gasification that genxr speaks of.

      On the other side of the FDA they are warning us of too much fat in cheese and to get our calcium elsewhere. I saw the story in the NYT or WaPo yesterday, heard it on NPR this afternoon.

  15. SorosBot

    It's strange that Republicans can claim that we're "mortgaging our childrens' future" with the deficit that they suddenly became concerned about in 2009, yet are perfectly fine with the continued dependency on fossil fuels which, via pollution and depletion, will have a much more direct harmful effect on the next generations.

    1. V572625694

      There is no PEAK OIL! Jeebus will give us all the oil we need forever! You can't put a gun rack in Nissan Leaf!

      1. SorosBot

        If we use up all the oil, nature will make more – in a few hundred million years. We'll just have to wait a bit.

        1. mumbly_joe

          If God didn't want us using all that fossil fuel, then why did he put in in such easy reach, you know, in the middle of mountains, and under a mile of ocean and also bedrock and with a whole bunch of highly volatile and combustable methane mixed in for good measure?

          Next, you'll be telling me that Centralia, PA was somehow not God's way of sending us the message, "Keep doing more of this thing: it is seriously a great idea!"

    2. JustPixelz

      They believe the market will create conservation when prices go up. Which is true. But the economic disruptions will be more severe than if we invested in mitigation. And there's no (useful) market response to millions of people dying as disease, food chain/production, lost habitat change.

  16. Weenus299

    I am positive the Chin will do the Right Things For America.

    Let us all collect and dispose of all of our garments into the Great Patriotic Refinery Fire that is America and our Consumer Heritage.

    Hail Fire!

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      If they discover the process for Vieux Boulogne, it's all over. Even a well coordinated Limburger attack could result in the death of millions of innocents.

  17. CapnFatback

    Hipsters-to-natural gas?

    This alternative appears to be gaining momentum, through a processing catalyst know as "vegetarian chili."

  18. NorthStarSpanx

    Sigh. We saved the Virginians of West from a Floridian Businessman only to have the rifle shootin Blue Dog turn coat and become a Republican?

  19. SmutBoffin

    Man, when it comes to actual policy, i.e. not the symbolic shooting of things you don't agree with, these people don't have a clue, do they?

  20. OneYieldRegular

    If I lived in West Virginia, the bumper sticker on my bullet-proof car would read "Republicans will bury you. Literally." I'd put it right next to my portrait of Mother Jones.

  21. Vinnie Saltine

    "Manchin's switch could mean Republican support for not just $1 billion in seed money for the project but also a deal, much sought in coal country, to require the armed forces to use converted coal for fuel."

    Won't this piss off Texas teabaggers? Not the ones that are against excessive government spending and earmarks such as this, but the ones that prefer oil?

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      You know who else tried to keep their military on the move with fuel derived from coal, right?

  22. HedonismBot

    Yeah, and Lieberman and Wario each voted for Obamacare, which as we all know is massively popular among the Teapubtards. It would actually be sort of fun to see Lieberwhore's slimy ass primaried out of ANOTHER major party. Those people aren't nearly as forgiving as Obama and Reid. Then, finally, we can haz ex-Senator Liebertrolldoll? Do it, Joementum!

    1. transfatz

      Joe Lieberman, Rentocrat from the great state of Aetna, only voted for Obamacare after it was kneecapped and all its teeth were pulled. It would be fun to see him covered with running sores too, but I'm not getting my hopes up just yet.

  23. mereoblivion

    If Manchin and the "Democrat" Party get a Mexican divorce, will they still legally be brother and sister?

    1. transfatz

      Father-son-brother-sister-wife-daughter is a time honored West Virginia family relationship. Squealing like a pig however is not optional.

  24. mumbly_joe

    Hahahahahahahaha.

    Seriously, we just had a preview of this exact thing for several months in the New York State Senate, so oh, man. You non-New Yorkers have no idea. America is so very fucked, I really can't help but just laugh and laugh and laugh.

  25. ttommyunger

    So now Leiberwoman and Ben "Leatherface" Nelson have a new soul-mate in the Senate. I feel like I'm watching a bad movie with no fucking end and the doors are chained shut.

  26. JustPixelz

    The Demoncrats don't want us to make coal (a natural material, like uranium) into diesel (a refined, natural substance — like white wine). They want our car-mobiles to run on inconvenient truth gas which is made from unobtanium.

    Nice try libtards, but Sarah Palin knows more about energy than you. And she's just a girl grizzly bear. The Sarah knows that oil can be taxed by the government of Venzuela Alaska and the money redistributed to the people as cash and services. That's a convenient truth.

  27. Allmighty_Manos

    For 2012 he's gonna have to cut an ad showing him kicking Harry Reid in the crotch and tossing a firebomb into DNC headquarters. if he wants to make headway among independents.

    Both Lieberman and Nelson are up in 2012, and I predict that at least one, if not two, of those putzs will be out on their asses btw.

  28. GOPCrusher

    Monica Crowley announced yesterday that before 2012, Ben Nelson would switch parties so he can get re-elected.

  29. transfatz

    “Now, if that doesn’t work and Democrats aren’t receptive, I don’t know what possibilities that leaves open.”
    Hump, hump, hump.

Comments are closed.