REJOINING THE CONFEDERACY  12:49 pm November 8, 2010

Republicans Trying To Lure Away Joe Manchin With All The Coal He Can Eat

by Jack Stuef

That gentleman in the fedora was a rogue Republican agent. We knew it!Republicans in the Senate are trying to lure a few Democrats into switching parties and giving them a majority, because apparently they want more responsibility for this crappy economy while not being able to get any of their dumb laws past Obama. First up on the list is apparently Joe Manchin, presumably because all you have to cough up (from your black lung) to a West Virginia senator is the chairship of the Energy and Natural Resources Committee and funding for a plant that will turn coal into diesel fuel so that we can reduce America’s reliance on foreign atmosphere-killers. But of course that proud Democrat told them no, correct? Nope.

“Republicans believe in an ‘all of the above’ approach to energy,” one top Senate aide told Power Play. “And coal-to-diesel could certainly be part of that.”

Sure! All of the above! How about cows-to-gasoline? Pecan pie-to-diesel? Hipsters-to-natural gas? All of that, yes, if it helps certain industries.

Republicans believe Manchin is particularly susceptible to the overture because he is up for reelection in 2012 and will have to be on the ticket with President Obama, who is direly unpopular in West Virginia. Democrat Ben Nelson of Nebraska and Independent Joe Lieberman are the other two prime targets of Republican advances.

Noooooo! Those are the greatest hits of Democratic senators!

“He was elected as a Democrat and he has to go to Washington as a Democrat to try, in good faith, to make the changes in the party he campaigned on,” said one Manchin advisor. “Now, if that doesn’t work and Democrats aren’t receptive, I don’t know what possibilities that leaves open.”

Oh, so all Democrats have to do to keep The Man Chin is do everything he says. This should end well. [Fox News]

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vulpes82 November 8, 2010 at 12:54 pm

Not to be pendantic (too late!), Jack, but West Virginia is actually the part of Virginia that DIDN'T join the Confederacy.

Zvi_Bleindmeis November 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm


V572625694 November 8, 2010 at 1:04 pm

Ha-ha! — a Colored in the White House could be the last straw for those doughty Mountain Staters.

the_onceler November 8, 2010 at 2:23 pm

As someone originally from West Virginia, I can guarantee that if Manchin flips to the Republicans, he will lose in 2012. Look at the 2010 results for the state House of Delegates:

Even in a very Republican year, Democrats dominate. Most aren't liberals, but they sure ain't Republicans.

LionelHutzEsq November 8, 2010 at 12:54 pm

Senator Machin, we would like to talk to you about the wonders of joining the Republican Party.

But first…., The Whores!!!

__kth__ November 8, 2010 at 1:13 pm

Yes, paraphrasing Ronnie Hawkins' quip (quoted in the Last Waltz), as a Republican Senator, you won't make much money but you'll get more pussy than Frank Sinatra.

Though unlike Ronnie Hawkins you'll mostly have to pay for it.

kenlayisalive November 8, 2010 at 7:39 pm

Why pay for what you can get in airport bathrooms for free?

Oh yeah, sometimes you want to shit into a diaper in front of them.

donner_froh November 8, 2010 at 12:55 pm

I have a spinning wheel that turns straw into gold. If I promise it to Manchin will he turn into a real democrat?


WriteyWriterton November 8, 2010 at 12:56 pm

Am I first? If so, whoo! If not, Joe Manchin – keep running to the right 'til you bounce off the track-wall or crash into the stands and take out shirtless obese Nascarpublicans, and whoooo!!

neiltheblaze November 8, 2010 at 12:57 pm

Clearly, he's the Manchinian Candidate.

CapnFatback November 8, 2010 at 1:37 pm

But the dot from the laser sight is on Indiana Jones's kid's forehead instead! Aim to the left, Raymond Shaw, the left!

arclight2012 November 8, 2010 at 12:58 pm

Does this really matter? He's just going to pull a Lieberman and side with the Republicans for anything important anyway. Manchin actually becoming a Republican is as likely as Olympia Snowe becoming a Democrat.

Cat_Damon November 8, 2010 at 12:59 pm

I like how Democratic senators are "praised" (expected?) to compromise in order to move the country forward (per the Republicans' views), yet when it becomes public that Lindsay Graham might potentially maybe possibly think that climate change is man-made, off with his head!

paxromanaclef November 8, 2010 at 1:06 pm

You must understand, it's ALL a game to them. Nothing is grounded in the reality tied to their parlor trickery. Can we piss off the democrats and whiny-ass liberals? Yes? Well, then let's do it! Let's show those pansies what's what! What about the actual worldly consequences of basing your legislative agenda on the idea of fuckin' with people? Fuck consequences! It'll all sort itself out, probably. They're the political equivalent of Br'er Rabbit, except it's not cute when Br'er Fox is trying to get shit done and the American people are the tar baby.

HistoriCat November 8, 2010 at 1:42 pm

"Fuck consequences" is the true motto of the Republican party.

johnnyzhivago November 8, 2010 at 1:00 pm

If Hillary was president, we'd be using Republicans as a fuel source.

Zvi_Bleindmeis November 8, 2010 at 1:05 pm

Ehhh, they are pretty polluting, and not sustainable.

user-of-owls November 8, 2010 at 1:29 pm

Sure, but see, that's the genius. Once you exhaust the reserves, sensible energy policy is a given. Plus, you could factory farm them without even putting in fences, given their natural mobility ranges. AND we could run down that oversupply of cave cheese in the process. This is a virtuous circle of textbook quality!

binarian November 8, 2010 at 1:40 pm

Sure, no fences needed, just reduce the amount of electricity in their Larks.

freakishlywrong November 8, 2010 at 1:05 pm

I don't know, something-something about "gas bags" and "hot air."

user-of-owls November 8, 2010 at 1:07 pm

The methane and biomass reserves in there ranks must be near limitless.

Beowoof November 8, 2010 at 1:16 pm

Just think Haley Barber alone could power Mississippi for 5 years.

GeorgiaBurning November 8, 2010 at 1:11 pm

Hard to breed them, though. They're either old, gay, or boring.

Zvi_Bleindmeis November 8, 2010 at 1:27 pm

"Fossil" fuels? I just don't think they burn cleanly enough.

Better to use them as a food stock, or maybe livestock feed. Quick, pass some tax credits for construction of new Republican-rendering plants, and facilities to produce Republican-based snack foods! It's all about the jobs.

metamarcisf November 8, 2010 at 1:02 pm

The Democrats' proposed trade would send Manchin and Nelson to the Republicans in exchange for Snowe, Brown and a congressman to be named later, presumably Issa of California, who would be immediately be shipped to Tennessee for Randy Moss.

user-of-owls November 8, 2010 at 1:11 pm

That's just crazy talk. Putting a mentally and emotionally unstable egomaniac in national office?
We better just stick with Moss and trade Issa to the Ciudad Juarez AAA Verdugos.

V572625694 November 8, 2010 at 1:24 pm

Heath Shuler's gotta play in this too. Although using "Heath Shuler" and "play" in the same sentence is something the dear beloved Potomac Region Indigenous Persons taught us doesn't make sense.

metamarcisf November 8, 2010 at 1:31 pm

Send Heath Shuler to Tennessee for Vince Young, who would then represent North Carolina's11th District. My sister lives there; she feels Young's arm and speed will more than make up for Shuler's tepid support of the Second Amendment.

DCNole November 8, 2010 at 2:55 pm

I've only just realized why your p-score is rediculous. Silly

Gratuitous World November 8, 2010 at 1:03 pm

After experiencing the presidencies of Max Baucus, Ben Nelson and Scott Brown over the last couple years, I'm ready for a change. But I have ADHD

user-of-owls November 8, 2010 at 1:06 pm

Nom, nom, nom.

WordSaladNation November 8, 2010 at 1:07 pm

Is the little boy behind him auditioning for The Untouchables, Jr., the new hit Broadway musical for kids?

davitydave November 8, 2010 at 1:50 pm

No, it's for the stage version of Newsies!

Badonkadonkette November 8, 2010 at 1:08 pm

So I guess when the GOP said they were going to listen to the voters, that didn't include the part where the voters said they wanted the Senate to stay in the Democrats' hands?

OneDollarJuana November 8, 2010 at 1:37 pm

The Supremes said that money = votes, essentially, so who has the most money? I don't think even the rich Hollywood Leebrul Eleet has as much money as the GOP. The voters have/are spoken/speaking.

HistoriCat November 8, 2010 at 1:46 pm

The voters have/are spoken/speaking spent/spending.


donner_froh November 8, 2010 at 1:08 pm

Solar? Wind?–Not enough in political contributions (open bribery and phony corporate interest group fundraising) from those upstarts.

Our elected officials subsidize those who subsidize them. Works for everyone.

Lascauxcaveman November 8, 2010 at 1:30 pm

It's my goal in life to be the first US Senator to be a wholly owned subsidiary of Big Wind. Or Big Solar. Either one would be awesome.

HistoriCat November 8, 2010 at 1:45 pm

Is there such a thing as a mutual reach-around?

the_onceler November 8, 2010 at 2:26 pm

We are not supposed to call it bribery people. It's "being involved in the political process". It's corruption and bribery in *other* countries. USA, USA!

Bonzos_Bed_Time November 8, 2010 at 1:10 pm

So who is Mur-KOW-Ski going to conference with, anyway?

hagajim November 8, 2010 at 1:10 pm

Does selling out for the coal peeples make him the Manchinian Candidate?

hagajim November 8, 2010 at 1:11 pm

Is this another example of the corporations buying elections? Hell if we can't win em we'll buy 'em. Democracy to the highest bidder – do I hear $10 million?

PsycWench November 8, 2010 at 1:14 pm

West Virginia is, by and large, a seriously poor and unhealthy state. I'm beginning to think that there is a reason for this.

genxr November 8, 2010 at 1:51 pm

The parts that rely on coal are poor and unhealthy. Those small enclaves that have instead opted for tourism and outdoor sports are doing better in general.

Doesn't stop them from having their annual coal festival, with coal eating contests, coal crafts for the kids, and the always popular Miss Black Lung beauty pageant.

freakishlywrong November 8, 2010 at 1:15 pm

Uh..this clown actually SHOT "cap'n trade". He's a RAH, Republican at Heart(less).

Radiotherapy November 8, 2010 at 1:57 pm

He's a DICK. Democrat Into Cock Knuckling.

SecretMuslin November 8, 2010 at 1:15 pm

Ahhhh, West Virginny, the state that even inbred, fat, toothless, scooter-driving Kentuckians make fun of!

(I'm from Kentucky so this is first-hand knowledge.)

Giveusabob November 8, 2010 at 1:15 pm

Convert hipsters to natural gas? Brilliant! Could we also boost fuel efficiency with irony additives (specifically the noxious Irony ™ practiced by hipsters, not the well-known literary device)?

We could power everyone's lights, while also cleansing the planet of unwanted cultural by-products.

JustPixelz November 8, 2010 at 1:27 pm

Newton's Second Law of Thermodynamics — assuming Repubicans believe in those science "laws" — says that we could also convert natural gas into hipsters. A phenomenon proven by Hollywood Hipster Levi Johnston. He is, after all, lighter than air.

SmutBoffin November 8, 2010 at 1:31 pm


Weenus299 November 8, 2010 at 1:34 pm

Are there scientific formulae for the energy extraction coming from certain chins with pudding cups attached to them? Unclipped vaginae?

StillGoinGreen November 8, 2010 at 1:48 pm

The chin formula is still being researched – but the "unclipped vaginal energy" theory was proven too volatile by the "EAT IT OR I CUT A MUTHAFUCKA!" experiment performed at an undisclosed hotel late last week.

walterhwhite November 8, 2010 at 1:43 pm

Unwanted cultural by-products, aka Republicans

horsedreamer_1 November 8, 2010 at 1:15 pm

It's getting greasy in here. Better get my galoshes on.

charlesdegoal November 8, 2010 at 1:18 pm

I don't want to be judgmental or anything, but Manchin does look like a stupid jock in that picture, so he would seem to be a natural for stepping into Jim Bunning's shoes.

Extemporanus November 8, 2010 at 1:56 pm

I wanna know why Joe changed his last name from Theismann to Manchin.

Beowoof November 8, 2010 at 1:19 pm

Ah so the knuckle dragging morons who hate Obama for trying to make their mines safe and their air clean will vote for this guy if he is a republican. An anti mine union republican at that., well sure switch it makes perfect sense to me.

Extemporanus November 8, 2010 at 1:41 pm

Quite a few Republicans display an unhealthy obsession with mine furor.

SteveMcCroskey November 8, 2010 at 1:22 pm

If only we could find a way to exploit our strategic national stockpile of cheese…

lochnessmonster November 8, 2010 at 6:14 pm

They have. A branch of the FDA is helping businesses like Dominoes figure out how to use more cheese and other dairy products at their restaurants. In addition, they are helping them write ad campaigns for the new products. This will help with the gasification that genxr speaks of.

On the other side of the FDA they are warning us of too much fat in cheese and to get our calcium elsewhere. I saw the story in the NYT or WaPo yesterday, heard it on NPR this afternoon.

V572625694 November 8, 2010 at 1:25 pm

Mmmm…soft coal: so greasy, so smoky, so close to the surface.

Weenus299 November 8, 2010 at 1:32 pm

Choclate-y even. Light. Sweet. Crude.

SorosBot November 8, 2010 at 1:27 pm

It's strange that Republicans can claim that we're "mortgaging our childrens' future" with the deficit that they suddenly became concerned about in 2009, yet are perfectly fine with the continued dependency on fossil fuels which, via pollution and depletion, will have a much more direct harmful effect on the next generations.

V572625694 November 8, 2010 at 1:43 pm

There is no PEAK OIL! Jeebus will give us all the oil we need forever! You can't put a gun rack in Nissan Leaf!

SorosBot November 8, 2010 at 2:01 pm

If we use up all the oil, nature will make more – in a few hundred million years. We'll just have to wait a bit.

mumbly_joe November 8, 2010 at 2:23 pm

If God didn't want us using all that fossil fuel, then why did he put in in such easy reach, you know, in the middle of mountains, and under a mile of ocean and also bedrock and with a whole bunch of highly volatile and combustable methane mixed in for good measure?

Next, you'll be telling me that Centralia, PA was somehow not God's way of sending us the message, "Keep doing more of this thing: it is seriously a great idea!"

JustPixelz November 8, 2010 at 1:45 pm

They believe the market will create conservation when prices go up. Which is true. But the economic disruptions will be more severe than if we invested in mitigation. And there's no (useful) market response to millions of people dying as disease, food chain/production, lost habitat change.

Zvi_Bleindmeis November 8, 2010 at 1:29 pm

Colorado, Rocky Mountian high?

Mindblank November 8, 2010 at 1:29 pm

Candy-gram for Manchin!

ttommyunger November 8, 2010 at 2:33 pm

"Manchin only pawn in game of life."

Weenus299 November 8, 2010 at 1:31 pm

I am positive the Chin will do the Right Things For America.

Let us all collect and dispose of all of our garments into the Great Patriotic Refinery Fire that is America and our Consumer Heritage.

Hail Fire!

Jukesgrrl November 8, 2010 at 1:34 pm

Bene Dick Arnold.

user-of-owls November 8, 2010 at 1:38 pm

Molto Bene

Weenus299 November 8, 2010 at 1:37 pm

I'm increasingly wary of terr'ists who seek the technology to make dirty cheese.

Lascauxcaveman November 8, 2010 at 1:43 pm

If they discover the process for Vieux Boulogne, it's all over. Even a well coordinated Limburger attack could result in the death of millions of innocents.

Extemporanus November 8, 2010 at 1:50 pm

Dirty cheese is an unfortunate byproduct of gassing the curds.

CapnFatback November 8, 2010 at 1:41 pm

Hipsters-to-natural gas?

This alternative appears to be gaining momentum, through a processing catalyst know as "vegetarian chili."

NorthStarSpanx November 8, 2010 at 1:42 pm

Sigh. We saved the Virginians of West from a Floridian Businessman only to have the rifle shootin Blue Dog turn coat and become a Republican?

walterhwhite November 8, 2010 at 1:45 pm

Mankins' nose — it reminds me of The Penguin in the Batman movie.

crapshooter102 November 8, 2010 at 1:46 pm

From my back porch I can see Joe the Chin riding the "R" Train.

SmutBoffin November 8, 2010 at 1:47 pm

Man, when it comes to actual policy, i.e. not the symbolic shooting of things you don't agree with, these people don't have a clue, do they?

OneYieldRegular November 8, 2010 at 1:50 pm

If I lived in West Virginia, the bumper sticker on my bullet-proof car would read "Republicans will bury you. Literally." I'd put it right next to my portrait of Mother Jones.

Vinnie Saltine November 8, 2010 at 1:55 pm

"Manchin's switch could mean Republican support for not just $1 billion in seed money for the project but also a deal, much sought in coal country, to require the armed forces to use converted coal for fuel."

Won't this piss off Texas teabaggers? Not the ones that are against excessive government spending and earmarks such as this, but the ones that prefer oil?

BaldarTFlagass November 8, 2010 at 2:45 pm

You know who else tried to keep their military on the move with fuel derived from coal, right?

schvitzatura November 9, 2010 at 4:42 am

Fischer–Tropsch ≠ Fischerspooner

genxr November 8, 2010 at 1:56 pm

I have a cheese gasification process underway in my pants!

HedonismBot November 8, 2010 at 2:05 pm

Yeah, and Lieberman and Wario each voted for Obamacare, which as we all know is massively popular among the Teapubtards. It would actually be sort of fun to see Lieberwhore's slimy ass primaried out of ANOTHER major party. Those people aren't nearly as forgiving as Obama and Reid. Then, finally, we can haz ex-Senator Liebertrolldoll? Do it, Joementum!

transfatz November 8, 2010 at 10:03 pm

Joe Lieberman, Rentocrat from the great state of Aetna, only voted for Obamacare after it was kneecapped and all its teeth were pulled. It would be fun to see him covered with running sores too, but I'm not getting my hopes up just yet.

Advn2rgirl November 8, 2010 at 2:21 pm

That was coal dust, actually. "Almost heaven," my left inner thigh.

mereoblivion November 8, 2010 at 2:23 pm

If Manchin and the "Democrat" Party get a Mexican divorce, will they still legally be brother and sister?

transfatz November 8, 2010 at 9:10 pm

Father-son-brother-sister-wife-daughter is a time honored West Virginia family relationship. Squealing like a pig however is not optional.

mumbly_joe November 8, 2010 at 2:28 pm


Seriously, we just had a preview of this exact thing for several months in the New York State Senate, so oh, man. You non-New Yorkers have no idea. America is so very fucked, I really can't help but just laugh and laugh and laugh.

transfatz November 8, 2010 at 9:52 pm

Didn't Poe call that "peals of joyless laughter"?

ttommyunger November 8, 2010 at 2:36 pm

So now Leiberwoman and Ben "Leatherface" Nelson have a new soul-mate in the Senate. I feel like I'm watching a bad movie with no fucking end and the doors are chained shut.

JustPixelz November 8, 2010 at 2:36 pm

The Demoncrats don't want us to make coal (a natural material, like uranium) into diesel (a refined, natural substance — like white wine). They want our car-mobiles to run on inconvenient truth gas which is made from unobtanium.

Nice try libtards, but Sarah Palin knows more about energy than you. And she's just a girl grizzly bear. The Sarah knows that oil can be taxed by the government of Venzuela Alaska and the money redistributed to the people as cash and services. That's a convenient truth.

Naked_Bunny November 8, 2010 at 2:37 pm

I'm pretty sure "the gentleman in the fedora" is a ventriloquist's doll.

Allmighty_Manos November 8, 2010 at 2:53 pm

For 2012 he's gonna have to cut an ad showing him kicking Harry Reid in the crotch and tossing a firebomb into DNC headquarters. if he wants to make headway among independents.

Both Lieberman and Nelson are up in 2012, and I predict that at least one, if not two, of those putzs will be out on their asses btw.

Come here a minute November 8, 2010 at 2:59 pm

Wario "Ben" Nelson will be lured away with all the cornhole he can eat.

GOPCrusher November 8, 2010 at 4:41 pm

Monica Crowley announced yesterday that before 2012, Ben Nelson would switch parties so he can get re-elected.

transfatz November 8, 2010 at 10:08 pm

“Now, if that doesn’t work and Democrats aren’t receptive, I don’t know what possibilities that leaves open.”
Hump, hump, hump.

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