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Angry Robert Gibbs Nearly Beats Up Indians To Save American Reporters


Some Indian officials working security on President Obama’s foreign trip thought they could restrict the number of White House pool reporters allowed into a photo-op with Obama and Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, lowering it from eight to five, and things predictably got violent. YOU DO NOT TELL AMERICANS THEY CAN HAVE FEWER THINGS THAN THE EXACT NUMBER OF THINGS THEY WANT TO HAVE. USA! USA! USA!

“At one point, Gibbs literally had his foot lodged in the closing front door, asking if the Indian security officials pushing hard to shut it were going to break his foot,” reports Scott Wilson of the Washington Post. “More angry words ensued, and after Gibbs convinced them, through high volume and repetition, that he was serious about pulling POTUS, we all made it inside.”

This is like every great American film. All of us make it inside or none of us do. Yes, even the guy bleeding profusely from where his limbs used to be. Yes, I don’t care if the Redcoats are right behind us and have stockpiles of anachronistic Tomahawk missiles. We’re sticking together.

The POTUS will be pulled from your precious photo-ops if you don’t give into our every demand, foreigners. And that is true American POWER. Suck on it, India. [YouTube/NYT]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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91 comments

  1. Lucidamente1

    "Pakistan lets us have as many reporters as we want, and bomb the shit out of their weddings with drones."

    1. user-of-owls

      Surrounding yourself with as many Americans as possible would seem a highly prudent personal security strategy for your average Pakistani.

      1. Giveusabob

        Actually, wouldn't that be akin to painting yourself as an enormous target for bomb-wielding nogoodniks?

        And the gringos tend to wear flak vests, leaving even more exploding shrapnel wonderfulness for you.

  2. SmutBoffin

    …after Gibbs convinced them, through high volume and repetition…

    HaHa. This is how you get the foreigns to understand ENGLISH and give up their native devil-tongues.

      1. Mindblank

        It's true! A fact which allows them to take our jerbs more easily. Damned British and their 'Empire'.

        1. twaingirl

          That was part of their plan, doncha know. "We may have lost the American Revolution but we'll get you in the long run mwahahahaha!"

          In a British accent, of course.

  3. Geminisunmars

    Gibbs just won brownie points with the press corpse. Maybe now they'll treat him with respect. Or not.

  4. CapnFatback

    Easy mistake: the Indian officials simply assumed that the media outlets had outsourced the reporters jobs, to be filled by two Indian reporters and a circa-1995 fax machine.

    1. jim89048

      But we US Americans and Canada got back at them by outsourcing 4 of our beloved ice road truckers to displace 4 adorable, honest, hard working death-defying Indian truck drivers, for reasons not known to anyone outside the State Department and/or The History Channel.

  5. freakishlywrong

    "This will dominate all the news coming out of India". On Fox.

    And I think, if you're paying 200, 000, 000,000 a day for the trip, is 8 stenographers really too much to ask?

    1. Sparky_McGruff

      I heard it was closer to 1.2 Trillion dollars an hour. And at least half of that was being funneled to the New Black Panther party.

  6. mavenmaven

    The White House was afraid that the American press corps would be replaced with cheaper, more polite, and more effective Indian call-center reporters.

  7. metamarcisf

    It would be more accurate to say that Mr. Gibbs' brains were "lodged in the closing front door", except his brains are more probably situated in his mouth, a location they share with his foot.

  8. V572625694

    Like the way Fox's Token Negro takes Obamar's side, still puts him down, and totally misunderstands the function of a press secretary, which of course is to administer daily blowjobs to the "working press," including Savannah ("Woody-Inducing") Guthrie, "Chip" Reid, and "Little Ed" Henry.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Thank you. I thought I was the only one to want to make sweet, sweet fuck with the Daily Grind Princess (well, one of them; I'm not really into Chuck Todd's pudding-ring).

      Also: I was shocked to find out she's 39 or 40 (born in '70, not sure on date). She's damn near a Cougar, but looking like she's just entered MILFdom.

    2. Worthly Wokette Skum

      function of a press secretary, which of course is to administer daily blowjobs to the "working press,"

      Thanks for mentioning that. I'll be in my room reviewing tapes from Dana Perino's press conferences.

      1. V572625694

        I'd be glad to help out w/Savannah G. Not sure how it's done, but I'm sure we could work something out.

  9. BaldarTFlagass

    I hope he didn't say anything inappropriate and stupid, like "Back to the reservation with you, Tonto."

  10. WhatTheHeck

    Please, not to be making fun of our soon to be, overlords.
    This will only end with a song and dance routine.

  11. SayItWithWookies

    Oh, Stewart Varney is showcasing this — that asshole was probably irate because Gibbs didn't beat any Indians to death. To him, just yelling at foreigners ("Amazing Race" diplomacy) looked like coddling.

    1. V572625694

      Beating up ni66ers comes with the accent I guess. "I say, let's pop over to the Club for a spot of tea later, Nigel, shall we? They don't let the Wogs in theah yet, thank heavens."

    2. jim89048

      They should've brought along their mercenaries, Union Carbide, who are known to have killed more Indians than even John Wayne.

  12. natoslug

    I must have missed the angryshouty portion of the video, although I've watched this clip twice now. All I heard were a bunch of yappers: the fat poncy bastard in the studio and his tardbow of friends. In the bit of video they showed, it looked more like he was trying to order a cab and none of those taxi drivers milling about in the lobby were listening to him. I demand more angry Gibbs. Also, as a non-Fox News watching individual, I need to know; do they always use Entertainment Tonight style headlines for their stories?

  13. Lazy Media

    Seriously, anybody is criticizing Gibbs for preventing officious security goobers from restricting press access? That's the press secretary's role; they can't take that away from him!

  14. Mindblank

    I'd hate to get between Gibbs and his cheese.

    And why can't we deliver White House pool reporters via drone? Could call it the Drone Delivery Drone.

  15. JackDempsey1

    I see this angry, angry outburst as a manifestation of something that's been festering quite a while. Is Gibbs a distant relative of Custer, perhaps?

    1. user-of-owls

      Many years ago in grad school, the rather feisty student newspaper allowed all manner of questionable submissions to a wonderful cesspool they called simply 'The Backpage.' My very favorite one was phrased as a multiple choice question:

      Who has killed more Indians?

      a. John Wayne
      b. George Custer
      c. Union Carbide

      I told you it was a long time ago.

  16. uncuntstitutional

    The WH press corps is like your annoying kid brother. You might shit on him a lot and beat the crap out of him from time to time, but goddamn if you're gonna stand by while some foreigns start pushing them into a locker!

    1. user-of-owls

      But what about swirlies? I mean if was Australians doin' it to your punk brother the water would go backwards. I bet it wouldn't hardly hurt at all and after all, the jerk ratted you out when he found that Hustler under your bed.

    2. Mindblank

      Oh, I dunno. There's something appealing about Darwinian survival of the fittest for the pool. Only the best allowed in the deep end, etc.

    1. Weenus299

      You familiar with that snotnose show on Nickelodeon? iCarly? There's a pudgy little character on the cast who's named "Gibby" and his favorite thing to do is to take his shirt off and do a wiggle dance. Coincidentally, if you put glasses on him he's the spitting image of a teenagery Gibbs.

    2. Limeylizzie

      I also find him sort of adorable and I suspect he was one of those totally nerdy boys who had no dates at all in high school so he read lots of good erotica and now is a world-class cunnilinguist, I had a boyfriend like that…I'm looking at you , Garrett in Chicago!

      1. Chet Kincaid

        Oh Lizzie, clearly you have a "type," even through the ether. I didn't have a hearty meal until long after high school.

        1. Limeylizzie

          So true, well actually I have two types, the adorable , bespectacled , writer/nerd and the lanky, laconic, introspective arty boy.

          1. Chet Kincaid

            My stickiest types are short, bosomy, verbally-adept blondes and poetry-composing Jewish-Multiculti girls. Dark, curvy, smart Sisters intrigue, but don't seem taken with booky, bespectacled Brothers they've beaten at the Slam.

          2. Limeylizzie

            Chet Kincaid…we would be in such trouble, should we ever meet. I am the quintessential SBV-A Reddish/Blonde.

          3. Chet Kincaid

            Good Lord, it would take a year-long Rocky training montage for me to even consider being In Play. You make me nostalgic for younger, slimmer, singler days…

  17. Weenus299

    Geez. So much violence and pain. Can't we just watch live via satellite photos? Or better, maybe we could just rocket an automated diplomacy capsule that would land and unfurl an American flag, a picture of the most recent president, a steam-driven brass band playing the National Anthem, and a videotaped message from somebody claiming to be a president.

    1. user-of-owls

      This very morning I spent 1.5 delightful hours on the line with a help desk (oh ho ho) and the woman had the sort of cattle-fed, cheese-laced accent that you just can't teach Prangnathutra to say.

      I hope to god Wall Street doesn't call her Help Desk anytime soon, it'll be a bloodbath on the floor.

  18. uncuntstitutional

    "Are you going to break my foot?" Gibbs asked, tersely, as the Indian security drone tried to close the door on the remaining press that hadn't been admitted.

    He continued, "you're gonna wish you did break my foot, because I'm about to break it off in your ass, Sanjay!"

  19. Failed_2_Menace

    If Ann Curry and Condoleeza Rice were sent in to handle reporting and analysis, you can bet they would have been considered tasty staples of any gathering and allowed inside.

  20. Amo_of_Bogio

    I read the headline as Angry "Robot" Gibbs and was 78% of the way through the comments before realizing the error…

  21. ttommyunger

    Now honey, let's not have a scene… Nothing funnier that a gaggle of pussyfarts in a bitch-slapping marathon. Indians think pushing and shoving is fighting, 'Merkans think talking ugly and saying mean things is fighting.

  22. mereoblivion

    Manmohan Singh? Why is Obamatron even visiting a country whose Prime Minister goes around with a name like that?

  23. the_onceler

    He's obviously never been to India before. This is the calm and patient version of the usual Indian scrums. He should try standing in line to get movie ticket.

Comments are closed.