- Midterm exit polls have shown that a majority of Americans identify as “obese fatsacks.” But there are many millions of Other Americans who identify as “smug young professionals” — these are the jerks who drink “low-fat vegan skim milk” so that they can stay healthy and smug. Obviously this is borderline treason, because it is your patriotic duty to drink eight glasses of Monsanto Growth Hormone every single day. (And you should also drink a warm glass of Bovine Cancer before you go to bed.) Yes, Yuppies have ruined America’s cherished dairy/lard/growth hormone industries. This is why the USDA created a secret pro-milkfat organization called Dairy Management, so that the government can remind consumers that they need to put more fatty dairy products in their mouth-holes. Michelle Obama says that you should eat your vegetables and accept suspicious dried fruit “treats” from strangers, while the USDA is actively trying to give you a heart attack — so whom should we trust? Also: “In its reports to Congress … the Agriculture Department tallies Dairy Management’s successes in millions of pounds of cheese served.” Ha ha, America is now officially on the Lard Standard. [NYT]
- Vladimir Putin cruised around Russia in a NASCAR automobile for some sort of Russian reality teevee thing. [Business Week]
- “Write-in” holds a 13,439-vote lead over Joe Miller, and Lisa Murkowski has already booked her Megabus to DC — even though the write-in count doesn’t start until Wednesday. [WaPo]
{ 209 comments }
I wonder if the Russkies have a shirtless Vlad Putin action figure available in stores over there? I mean, Lil Bush had one, and he only ever drove a F-250 diesel around the ranch trails.
not exactly. Instead you get images of Rootin' Tootin' visiting a gas station in a mid-atlantic state.
http://www.lukoilamericas.com
for instance. The Red equivalent of "cutting brush" is "corrupting the precious bodily fluids of American automobiles" And they have shitty nachos.
Hmm, I'd have guessed that the Russian equivalent of "cutting brush" would be "ethnically-cleansing the Chechens."
yeah, but two strikes: those photos are not as fun and derpy as Putin at the filling station, and the Russkies don't exactly put that shit in English-language press releases
The most disturbing fact about the NYT pizza story is the repeated references to pizzas as "pies." All disk-shaped foods are not pies. Cookies, for example, are not referred to as "butter pies." In Italy, you don't order a pizza torta. You order a pizza.
Also: Tom Monaghan and Dominos: eat shit (It's right there in the kitchen!) and die instead of harassing pregnant women and blowing up medical facilities.
Yeah, but by some quirk of language, in English "pizza pie" is a word. Or is it just a Liebral Coastal Eleeeeeeeeeeeeet thing we have here in the NE? I mean, I usually just call it a pizza, but I've heard "pizza pie" before.
It's Dean Martin's fault. He should be hit in the eye by the moon. Or a pizza pie.
It's only "pizza pie" in Northeast Creole. Italians, and real US Americans, call it a pizza; to the extent they do not, they are unAmerican. I speak w/absolute authority on this matter, as my girlfriend is an authentic Eye-talian, from Itt-ley.
It's funny, because where pizzas are least like pies, they call them "pies," but where they are in fact pies (Chicago) they don't.
I understand Pizza is not an Italian dish, although I don't really give a fuck either way. Second, I delivered Dominoes for a year. Dickish outfit. When they told me to buy new trousers and shoes for our Olympic Visitors (Atlanta) I said fuck them and fuck you. I told the manager to fuck off to his face, but he split and had the A/M fire me. Too funny!
I slung pie for Domino's throughout my college years. Good job for a college student, hours were right and tips could be pretty fucking good. Almost got fired once for coming in on a Sunday evening after drinking at the river all day, but I was their best driver and since it was Schaefer Light I was not that drunk.
And we alone know the secret ingredients that go into the no-tipper's and rude-ass' order, don't we?
It sure didn't take long to recognize those "special" addresses.
Monaghan was also a shitty owner of the Detroit Tigers (who "magically" improved, when an owner of an even shittier pizza franchine (Li'l Caesar's/Mike Ilitch) bought the team).
As a proud smug young professional yuppie jerk vegan, I am doing everything I can to help that piece of shit chain with piece of shit pizza and piece of shit donations to piece of shit companies by a piece of shit, arrogant, craphole owner go out of business.
"Your hands can do so many many things. Your hands can brush your teeth and comb your hair. Throw a ball into the air. Wave hello or wave goodbye, even make a pizza pie. So many things your hands can do."
You hands cannot, however, just make a pizza – it would fuck up the song!
Not necessarily, just sociopaths in general.
Even worse: those Geometry classes where they teach kids subversive crap like "Pie are square." Bad grammar meets bad math! Pies are round. Even pizza pies.
Pie are square, cornbread are round?
Pizzas contain tomatoes (in the form of sauce).
Tomatoes are berries, i.e., fruit.
Many, if not the majority, of pies contain fruit.
Ergo, pizzas are pies.
Now, the dessert pizza, with no tomatoes? Obviously a big cookie.
You know who can see Putin drivin' from her front porch?
Forgive me, but I would really like to see her with her shirt off. There is no justice…and no accounting for taste.
Depends on whether she nursed her brood or not. Shit, unfettered they might look like a pair of dirty gym socks nailed to her chest.
No woman that obsessed with her own appearance and so puffed-up with unearned self of steam would breast-feed five babby's, you'd think.
DO NOT, fuck with my fantasies…Its all I have.
Maybe MeerCowSki or whatever her name is, can get Putin's giant head to give her a lift in his Nascar. Do it for Alaska, Vlad.
I have to say that I was genuinely surprised by this paragraph from the New York Times article:
For years, the federal government bought the industry’s excess cheese and butter, an outgrowth of a Depression-era commitment to use price supports and other tools to maintain the dairy industry as a vital national resource. This stockpile, packed away in cool caves in Missouri, grew to a value of more than $4 billion by 1983, when Washington switched gears.
$4 billion worth of CHEESE AND BUTTER? That's got to be worth, like, $100 gazillion dollars by now. What are we waiting for? SELL THAT SHIT TO THE CHINESE!
Four billion in the caves–what's the street price of that shit?
About $6 billion in its current state… but if it were processed and turned into Cheeze Wiz it could be worth tens of billions.
Forget it: "Washington switched gears" from all of that cave-cooled dairy in 1983, which, of course, would help explain the meteoric rise of one Chuck E. Cheese and his crazy family fun-centers.
Those little fuckers are too smart to eat that shit. How many Chinamen do you see zipping around on their free scooters? Oh, right, they don't get free scooters over there, do they? Hmmmm. Is there a lesson here? Oh fuck it, pass the cheese. I said PASS IT, not cut it!
When I write my screenplay loosely based on the ordeal of the trapped Chilean miners I'm going to relocate it to Missouri. And I'm going to have them slowly starving till they get to a point where they draw straws to see who gets eaten first when (SPOILER ALERT) they stumble upon 10 billion pounds of cheese. Also, in my re-telling of the story (SPOILER ALERT) they all die in the end when it turns out they've grown too fat to get out through the escape hole that's been drilled for them.
'Gone with the Cheese'?
You are as a god among men. Might I suggest some possible titles?
A Few Gouda Men
or
Don't Cry For Me, Gorganzola
Cheese mine? Then it's NACHO cheese!
Plus, I would keep the original location and just move the mine. Chile and cheese go great together.
Thank you for making me laugh. It's been a shitty day, but that was gold. (As are the replies.)
Forget the Gold Standard, these Teatard entrepreneurs can now hawk Cheese Standards.
Worst Bond Villain Lair Ever.
Also, Keith Olbermann has been permanently FIRED forever from MSNBC and won't be allowed to come back until Tuesday (aka: tomorrow).
I'm just waiting to see if Wade Phillips and Brad Childress are also going to be permanently fired this morning. And not allowed to come back on Tuesday or any other day.
One can only hope (about Wade Phillips & Tony Romo). I'm not that into the Vikings …
As a Packers rooter, the more dysfunctional the Cowboys and Vikings, the better.
Funny, too, I don't feel the same about the Bears. Have a soft spot for Cutler, also.
As a Bears fan, I say your Packers suck and so does your mother. When aren't the Cowboys dysfunctional? Any time you see one of those NFL United Way commercials with Cowboys in it, it's community service hours and not charity work.
All Cutler wants for Christmas is an offensive line. He's on his back more often than a drunk sorority girl.
It is the Unrequited Hate of the Bears fan. The real NFC North Rivalry is between the Cheeseheads and the Lutherans, but the Packers/Bears games are like some sad pretense of a Valentine's Day date.
Our long national nightmare is almost over, Praise Jeebus!
I guess, by God that will teach him!
This is their way of giving in without actually admitting that asking Keith Olbermann to apologize, on air, for donating a few grand to Democratic candidates was a buttfucking stupid idea.
Not just that it's a stupid policy, but that even a lobotomized dog would find his apology pretty insincere. Keith pretending to regret exercising less than 1% of the democratic voice that his parent company did would make for pretty shitty television.
“…one slice (of Domino’s extra cheesy pizza) contains as much as two-thirds of a day’s maximum recommended amount of saturated fat.”
I’m sure they could get that up to the full daily recommended maximum in just one slice if they added some gravy.
Domino's needs to try harder.
Gravy on pizza!?!?! Eeeeeeewwwwww… and yet… hmmm…
Where there's a will, there's a way. Americans already figured out a way to add garlic butter as a condiment to pizza as well as ranch dressing. Why not gravy? And also, the Japanese beat us to using mayonnaise on pizza. Dammit.
This what's wrong with this country today. Back before those hippies ruined the place, you could count on Americans to take the bold steps necessary to push pizza technology to even greater heights. Now the Japanese are putting mayo on pizza. What's next? What will the Chinese do to muscle out the Japanese from the top of the pizza hill?
I cant wait 'till someone comes up with stuffed crust pzza that's stuffed, not with cheese, but chicken cordon bleu. Imagine, pizza crust stuffed with fried chicken stuffed with butter and ham.
[/drooling buckets]
o.m.g.
That sounds pretty fucking Amazing.
Stretch your imagination, friend. Visualize a turducken stuffed crust pizza. With deep-fried gravy.
My favorite local pizzeria is run by food sadists and they used to have a pizza with a sausage and mushroom stuffed crust with like 6 of their pork products including whole strips of bacon — you can still order spam there, its actually good on the Hawaiian Five-OMG or whatever they call it.
BTW, It took 2 days to digest that porkly pizza when I ordered it and I distinctly remember the night of chest and arm pains because I was a non-exercising bastard back than.
We hosted an Italian exchange student last year — gravy couldn't be any worse than the eggs over easy or the canned tuna that she insisted were part of traditional Italian pizza toppings (those were two separate pizzas, not both on the same, thank dogs). It was enough to make me want to give up fast(ish) food.
I've seen 16-page pizza menus in Northern Italy, they put everything you can imagine on a pizza, even salads (though they do add a lot of this stuff after it's baked). Weirdest thing I recall, though, was corn and potatoes on a pizza at a Shakey's in Tokyo.
Yep, she's Northern Italian. She went nuts whenever we tried to add more than two or three toppings to a pizza. Apparently, the heartblocker meat combo wouldn't go over well in her village. Totally not what I expected from an Italian (well, that and her blonde hair, blue eyes, intense hatred of both onions and garlic, strong belief that the Germans are the greatest people on earth and Hitler was just a bit misunderstood. I'm pretty sure the last bits had nothing to do with pizza habits, however).
We always use gravy with our pizza here in Georgia; and grits.
Are you closet Angry French-Canadians?
In Georgia, we are closet EVERYTHING, except racist…THAT we're proud of.
I think Domino's should make a new "Thanksgiving" pizza: pretzel dough crust; gravy instead of tomato sauce; a layer of stuffing; double cheese (of course); and topped with deep-fried turkey "bites" and those stupid round onions that everyone always picks out of the peas.
I think you just gave me diabetes, you bastard!
Well, my EyeTal Gal Pal never refers to that red stuff as sauce, she calls it gravy, so your wish=granted.
I hope Lisa Murkowski drives by Sarah Palin's house and moons her on the way to DC. "Put THAT on your stupid-ass Discovery show, Moose Bitch!"
Sorry, I'd much rather have Sarah moon me, for an hour, hour and a half, maybe.
Plus, you know she's taking it in the butt. Otherwise, Track would have been born, what, six, eight years earlier?
Moar buttsecks!
Ewww. That is just a disgusting image you've stuck in my head.
Sorry, different “strokes” for different folks, heh, heh.
Consumers devoured the cheesier pizza, and sales soared by double digits.
Further proof that we are a nation of dumbstupid, teapbagger fatties. I welcome my morbidly obese overlord. (Chris Christie, Nooooooooooooooooooo!)
Must be nice having a State Employee wipe his ass rather than having to pay homeless dudes to squeegie it for him… Well, you know HE can't reach it.
And Olbermann is back on the air thanks to a massive public outcry (a few facebook petitions and some Daily Kos commenters) against MSNBC's liberal corporate masters. It's a good thing for him that liberals fold easily.
Good thing then that I'm already on the "lard train" just need my medicare to get me that scooter then I will be SET!!
More cow juice please.
As bad as Black Tuesday was, I'm looking forward to a little schadenfreude when the olds realize that they won't be able to go and shout hateful shit at Koch brother rallies due to the fact that the assholes they elected are going to "slash" spending and run those scooter shops right outta business, (and off Gub'mint healthcare). I hope the buyers remorse hurts.
SCOOTERS for the masses.
Or, as you say, maybe not. Hard won lessons last the longest… wait, who am I talking about here, never mind.
Sadly, the scooter shops are owned by the Koch folk and they make way too much money from the Gummint paying three prices for them for every Tom, Dick and Lardass who can breath and make a mark on a piece of paper. The scooters will stay, the disability checks, notsomuch.
Hahaha hahaha…at the risk of being premature…
Suck a bag of salted dicks Joe you poser.
Yes, indeedy. This outcome makes us much happy in OobyDoobyDoo land, until we remember we still have Gov Good Hair as our state douche-in-chief. Bah, humbug!
Not so sure Joe isn't way ahead of you, there, Dashboard.
I've never been so happy to have an institutional Republican win a Senate seat.
The fat Teabag trash could eat all of the lard they wanted if they just got of their diabetes scooters and EXERCISED! Then again, increasing exercise does increase resistance to disease, so stay on that scooter fat ass and help decrease the surplus population (of fat, scooter bound diabetes ridden Teabaggers). Fondue you!
I don't think they will go gentle into that good night. Their dying will cost hundreds of thousands of Medicare dollars. So maybe they could all drive their scooters into the sea and drown, like lemmings.
My gargantuan child-raping uncle, who always smells like cheese and pee cost over 1 million dollars last year keeping him alive through chemotherapy, radiotherapy, months in intensive care and he just got the VA to buy him a van and scooter so he can get to the bar.
Real Americans know that a yellow French Formula 1 car is about the furthest thing you can get from NASCAR and still have four wheels.
Real American racing (aka NASCAR) involves suspension technology derived from oxcarts, engines that are indistinguishable from those that powered the Cadillacs of our forefathers, and ads for Depends undergarments or the Digital Television transition. Yee haw.
Whereas Formula 1 racing consists of spoiled rich boys under the supervision of a megalomaniac who thinks dressing up as a Nazi is fun. But it is a lot classier, notwithstanding the foregoing, and with hotter chicks — you notice that Ashley Judd, whose sister is a C&W singer fer chrissakes, didn't marry a NASCAR driver.
In defense of Bernie Ecclestone, he isn't just a megalomaniac who thinks dressing up as a Nazi is fun.
He is a megalomaniac who thinks dressing up as a Nazi while being whipped, and bound by five hookers is fun.
F-1 goes first class.
If, as seems likely, there were strap-ons involved, that would make Bernie pro-buttsex and by implication a Wonketteer. Party on, F1!
I seem to remember one NASCAR being sponsored by Viagra. Was that a hint to the fat teabagging rednecks to get some exercise, or a hint to the fitter ones on how to overcome the side effects of Pabst Blue Ribbon?
Oh, now. To be fair, NASCAR engineers have developed that iron lump into a machine that can develop up to 800 horsepower while sucking all its air through a 7/8" diameter hole! It's like those titanium hammers, doing your best with what you got.
No moar restrictor plates!
The last thing that most Americans need to eat do is eat more cheese. As we saw last week, most voters are already full of shit; the extra constipation would be more than most Real 'Mericans could bear.
On second thought – munch away, you bastards.
I think the Teatards already do wah ditty do.
Lotsa cheese + undies too tight = no poop in 3 years = Grumpy Teatards
They're fulla shit. Too, also.
The average American eats 33 lbs of cheese per year because some people eat an entire pizza every other day.
All the cheese lard in the world won't make Domino's crusts taste like any less like wet cardboard. This is New York, where I'm pretty sure there's plenty of good local pizza places to choose from; why anyone there would order Domino's shit pizzas is a mystery.
Once again, though, this shows how great it is to have our food policy designed in favor of the producers instead of the consumers.
John's in the Village is beyond fantastic, crisp and delicious, slightly charred crust and a charming, slightly dirty old restuarant.
I'm sorry; as a Chicagoan, I think I'm obligated by the constitution or something to note that "New York" and "good local pizza" cannot exist together in the same sentence. Just living up to my stereotype, is all — I hope you understand.
As a former Chicago resident, I do really miss the deep dish pizza; regular pizza is fine, and a bit less unhealthy, but I wish there was somewhere around here to get the old deep dish style.
I've never been sure why some people insist on calling what most people just refer to as pizza "New York style" pizza; it seems to come mostly from NY-ers who want to claim credit for it. And both styles have their own merits.
You forgot Pizza Hut, which is either the biggest or second biggest of the chains, and which is much better than Domino's, in the sense that getting punched in the stomach is much better than getting kicked in the balls. It's still not good.
I'm also sorry, but as a Portlander on the West Coast, I have to say both Chicago-style and New York-style pale in comparison to the wild wild west 'anything goes'-style pizza. If you can't get a Thai Chili sauce, Whole Wheat Crust pizza with Shitaki Mushrooms, Fried Squid, Coconut, Pineapple and Spam, than it might as well be a 99 cent Totino's.
Yeah, who orders that shit in NYC? Rapists?
Tourists and the poor. It is almost 20 bucks for a decent single-topping pizza in NY, but you can get a Domino's Meat Lovers with extra cheese for 14 bucks.
Finally an answer to the question, Who moved my cheese?
Has the USDA come out with an RDA for Plavix and Lipitor yet?
They ought to just inject Liptor straight into the cheese… I say.
Maybe they can start installing stents in the coronary arteries of infants at the same time they circumcise them too.
I've read some not so tongue-in-cheek suggestions that they should just add Lipitor to the water supply. You think the anti-fluoride crowd is bad, wait until this starts.
That would probably kill off the self-righteous Vegans, that's almost a bonus.
Send our cheese to Ireland!
Only if the Irish send it back as part of twice-backed potatoes!
And a pint of Guinness.
And bits of hot bacon. For the potato, not the Guinness. Although, bacon-infused Guinness might be tasty with a twice-baked potato and a bacon burger slathered in baconnaise.
I approve of all the above comments.
I see nothing wrong with a wedge of camembert or pont-l'évêque every now and then. The problems is the potato chips and soft drinks, not the cheese.
Agreed. Sugar ages you, causes heart disease and make you rolly-polly fat. Our new diet is generous with cheese and the home-rendered lard for our authentic frijoles (and vegetables, lots and lots of veges and salad) and we're down 20 pounds each.
Nothing beats foie gras with 'mesclun' salad.
Heh. Darned frog can't even pronounce Messican.
I think he was misspelling mescaline salad; nothing beats those hallucinations.
Mescaline salad, where are you eating, the Terrence McKenna memorial cafeteria?
This is true! Except that 'American' cheese is lightly-flavored fat and can't touch real cheese. Heck, 'Farmers' cheese isn't even made from real farmers.
I always have a pack of American Cheese and a few cans of Tomato soup on hand. It is like better than Prozac or a blowjob at cheering me up.
Real cheese comes in a can, not wedges. Are you high?
Life imitates something. As I came out of the grocery store yesterday with my cart filled with fresh fruit, vegetables, and frozen pizza what do I spy but a hefty dame smoking a cig while sitting in the store's courtesy Rascal. She was waiting for her husband to bring the car around because I guess…you know, IT'S TOO FUCKING HARD TO MOTOR OUT TO THE CAR. Ahem.
Anyway, you guessed it…the back of the car was plastered with Tea Bagger themed bumper stickers. These folks aren't just some kind of Wonkette fever dream, they're real.
God help us all.
Classic.
Tales of Baldar's Recalcitrant Youth: As a 16 year old grocery bagger, I bore witness to a mother-daughter team that between the two of them probably tipped the scales at over a quarter of a ton, 3 to 3-1/2 asses between the two of them. Checking out with two carts full of Weight Watcher's food items. Weight Watchers blueberry pie, cheesecake, ice cream, spaghetti meals, and of course Tab. I was pretty stoned at that moment and started cracking up, couldn't help it, and got fired.
Of topic – but somewhat related and maybe funny.
From my own misspent youth: I was in the Albertsons late one night picking up a box of condoms and a box of Wheaties. The cashier looked at the cereal…looked at the condoms and then looked up at me.
What could I say? "Breakfast of Champions".
Once in college, I was on a midnight grocery run and happened to pick up 4 boxes of condoms (I had previously annoyed myself & girlfriend for running out at a crucial moment) 4 cases of beer (for a party we were planning that weekend) and a bottle of No-Doz.
"Gonna be a loooong night." The clerk deadpanned.
Her waiting by the curb was a courtesy to those of us not wanting to need to scrape her human lard off the bumper of our high mileage Toyota.
At first I was all thinking "Hey, Tea-baggers all being a bunch of lard-asses means they won't be around much longer" then I remembered "Medicare is going to keep them alive forever." Not that necessarily I want all the Teabaggers to die (necessarily), just wish they weren't such obvious hypocrites.
Maybe the reason they bitch so much about government health care is that they just want to go ahead and die already.
Photos please.
I know, right. I am still new to this whole "wireless phone" thing you youngsters do so well.
Let's see…
1. open phone
2. where the fuck is the picture thing
3. damn, that's not it
4. where the hell is picture and video?!
5. There it is!
6. Photo subject is gone
Making a few assumptions about the agility and land speed of your subject (based on prior description), you spent about 15 minutes on each of those steps.
That's about right…I am old, after all. Phones without cords frighten and confuse me.
He and his girlfriend Medyupmyass are cute together, though.
I'm surprised after the election that Americans don't realize that they will soon need to change their diet entirely to cake.
I can't help wondering if Sarah could see Russia if my balls were over her eyes…
You're not gonna let this go, are you?
Maybe if I had a life, I would…maybe.
I got a tattoo of a map of Lithuania on my dick, but it grows to show the whole Soviet Union when it is enraged.
My friends Robert and Wendy have been married a long time. Back in the day, he had her name tattooed on his penis. You could see the full name during those "special times", but most of the time all you could see was "Wy". They went to Jamaica for their honeymoon not long after. After the flight, Robert was in the airport restroom and found himself standing next to a local. He couldn't help but look over and noticed the letters "Wy" on his neighbor's penis. Robert doesn't have well developed social skills so he blurted out, "Hey, is your wife's names Wendy too?". Puzzled, the other man glanced at Robert's penis and then his own. Laughing, he said, "No man…my tattoo says, 'Welcome to Jamaica…Enjoy your stay"
A cowboy short of stature entered a whorehouse. During the exam to check for "illness," the madame noticed that the cowboy had "Shorty" tattooed on his member. She decided to let the new girl take this one, for more of a breaking-in experience.
A couple hours later she went to check on the new girl. She looked like she had been hit by a stagecoach. The madame asked her what happened. She replied:
"Well, we were getting to know each other. He took out his pistol, and I saw that tattoo. Unfortunately, what was initially visible was not all there was to the tattoo. After I took off my petticoat, I learned that the tattoo actually read 'Shorty's Bar and Grill – Albuquerque, New Mexico."
It could still be short member – perhaps 10pt font – Comic Sans?
Ah yes. And I have an Atlanta Braves Tomahawk on mine; when aroused, it becomes a fire axe. Your move, sir.
That's the true spirit of Teabaggedmas.
Bah, the Reagan administration was handing out 5 LB blocks of cheese to the poor, like it was nobody's business.
and I'm still carrying that cholesterol around. isn't this what white trash arteries are for?
A block of cheese is a valuable fucking thing. You shouldn't just be giving it away . . .
Crickets chirping on the right.
Teabaggers will look the other way.
Corporate Welfare Incorporated gets a pass (again).
Focus on ending funding for PBS instead.
I say: "WHO'S GOING TO CUT THE CHEESE!"
Apprently, the government has taken hip-hop's imprecations to "get Cheddar" literally.
Does this mean we get more government cheese, or less?
Oops–Max it was. One p click for catching it.
I deplore the slow start here. Cheese? Cheese?! Is this the best my Wonkette can manage on a Monday morning following an unpleasant election and the recrudescence of The Shrub? I know we all like to ease to the work-week, but sheeple, come ON!
Riley, where is thy sting?
It seems like Riley wrote this up then promptly went back to bed; maybe he still hasn't adjusted to the time change.
Maybe his seasonal affective disorder kicked in or his Prozac IV drip clogged. He just seems to have thrown his hands in the air and snarled, "Lousy Wonketteers can eat my cheese-based snark. It's good enough for them." I want him suspended, NOW, like Keith O.
Riley probably gave money to Rick "I'm Rick Scott, bitch!" Scott, too. Or Feingold, whatevs. Also.
Well, obviously it's not meant to be taken literally; it refers to any government program that dispenses free dairy products.
Like Glenn Beck's tits?
Two big Lisa questions: 1) Will she reclaim the middle road? 2) If she does return to moderation and bipartisanship, will she be able to stomach caucusing with the new Teatards and the olde fascist Rs or switch and caucus as an Independent with the DRats.
I was one of the 4 people who watched Christiane Amanpour on "This Week" yesterday, while she grilled Rand Paul and Mike Pence (seperately). And, I must say, the establishment among the RePublitards is more afraid of the Teatards than the Progressive movement is. The teatards have already begun to discuss cuts across the board with Dems, ie – MILITARY SPENDING, and it is pissing off the "NO's" to a point of shitting their pants.. I know this is just a silly dream, but wouldn't it be funny if the teabagger movement really returned us to a functional 2-party system? Nah, never gonna happen.
That would certainly be much better than the teatards being co-opted by lobbyists and special interests, which is what everyone thinks is going to happen.
Get real. The Dems LOVE "defense" spending. I'm here in Washington, where Patty Murray (and Scoop Jackson before her) never saw a Boeing handout they didn't like. Same goes for every other Dem, just about. It'll be the same for the 'Tards, too, once they figger out that there is gold in them thar bills.
I guess you're right – Jim Wright's and Pete Geren's successful campaign slogan here in Ft Worth was, "Uh, HELLO? LOCKHEED!!!" That answered all questions here about whether or not Dems were supportive of defense slush.
The cow that laughs last, laughs loudest.
I like laughing cows.
"Unwanted cheese"? I call oxymoron.
No venous/smelly cheese for, thank you. Except for, you know, never mind.
How shitty of a salesman do you have to be to not be able to find a buyer for CHEESE? It's CHEESE for Christ sake – everyone loves cheese! Hell, I even got my anorexic cousin to eat some cheese when she was in treatment! It was like, "here, have some of this protein shake – it's good for you… (barrrfff!!!). OK, have a few of these little cheddar squares… (GOBBLEGOBBLEMUNCHMUNCH)."
Mmmm cheese , come on now I'm from the dairy Kingdom, but a delicious St Andre is hard to beat.
May I recommend reading the works "John McIntyre" — the "Chaucer of Cheese". Google away, but be careful out there.
Don't think the USDA is talking about cheeses avec nez as the French would say. I think they are pushing cheese fud and two-tons of cheap mozzarella on each pizza.
It is amazing how a wheel of Gouda can spark one's imagination!
Oooh I feel a fantasy coming on….
The Negro Sprinter Wins The Fuhrer's Medals & The Fraulein's Dirndl?
I was thinking the Special Ops girl who is hiding downed pilots in a French farmhouse is particularly smitten with one of the Tuskeegee Airmen.
Sarah Palin, ever the champion for letting her expert Free Market principles prevail over Government bailouts (meaning, let's shoot all of 'em (small business) and let God sort it out) kept using her Chiefy Executive skills to keep her hometown Dairy afloat even though it proved a losing enterprise in every shape and form since inception. To this day, after 70 years of mismanagement, they continue to lose six figures in every reported quarter.
In the first 12 months of her half-term, Palin fired both the Agriculture Board and the Creamery Board after they both voted to close down Mat Maid to stop the massive cash losses. Palin appointed her friends and neighbors (none of which had any dairy experience) and allowed them to run both boards with the same conflicted members. The first action the new board took to save the cash strapped dairy was to unanimously vote to raise the price they paid Valley milk farmers for their milk.
The Division of Legislative Audit reported that payments made by Governor Palin's appointed friends were not "consistent with with the financial interest of the corporation."
Two months later, just seven days after celebrating that Mat Maid was "back in black," Palin said she was "shocked" when her new board informed her that Mat Maid wasn't making money and had actually suffered the worst financial loss in over twenty years.
Four months later, the state opened the bidders vault to reveal no bids were submitted for Mat Maid. Thus proving yet another accurate prediction from the previous Creamery Board just before the governor fired them as one of her first acts of business.
In their latest reincarnation, their much hullabaloo'd cheese futures sold an astounding $250,000 worth of chedder, mostly to resource extraction companies that were going to donate it to the food bank and homeless shelters. Turned out the cheese ended up tainted with e-coli and listeria. I don't think they can even warehouse them in that cave with the other Depression Era dairy commodities worth $4 Billion in Mizzura. . .
November 2, 2010: The private dairy that former Governor Sarah Palin and Department of Natural Resources Commissioner Tom Irwin propped up with taxpayer money is now once again ninety days late on their state agriculture loans.
This is a dairy that hasn't survived one day without government bailouts and is now in the final throws of collapsing, leaving the state screwed.
Take yur govimint health care and Medicare away! More fat and plaque inducing foods! Less govimint enforced access for the disabled!
And in a few years, the teabag demographic has mysteriously faded away.
It's all a sop to the TP'ers and the powerful Scooter Lobby. Those asses ain't gonna fill themselves with fat.
Nacho-Cheese IVs for scooter-'Bagger-voters and Medicare for the rest of us. Makes sense to me. Duzit2u?
I do like a bit of Gorgonzola.
Back in the olden days when Wonkette was a Gawker subsidiary, we used to get these Jalopnik/Wonkette spillovers all the time. It was kinda nice.
I actually became a Wonkette commenter via my commenting privileges over there. Back then, believe it or not, you had to get approved as a commenter by the blog editors, before you could post a comment. And wear an onion on your belt, as was the fashion at the time…
Naw, not completely. There are still some good guys mixed in among the mouthbreathing motorhead trolls.
But the place gotten considerably blander with the departure of Davey G, Jonny Lieberman, and especially the incomparable Miss Murilee Martin.
Sort of like losing three Jim Newells without getting any Jack Steufs in return.
This is true, though the stories that the new weekend editor has dredged up so far show some promise.
The pro-industry, pro-pollution, anti-union thinking don't bother me, any more than the anti-industry, anti-pollution, pro-union thinking at some other web sites. It's all part of the game. The general attitude towards women, though, is pretty shamefully Neandertal, which I really cannot abide. I frequently find myself wondering "have any of you actually MET a female? A HUMAN female?" Actually, it's not so much Neandertal as kindergarten, with much pulling of pigtails and throwing of spitballs.
Which is why the Jalopnik/Jezebel cross-post flamewars are so mind-blowingly epic.
Fuck that, Putin wrestles the polar bears. And the ones he can't handle take a dive anyway, out of respect.
Gonna be a long-assed time before HE ever gets a hug from one, then.
"Fuck it, let's go to 8 cheeses!" shouted the Pizza Hut executive.
(With apologies to the Onion's disposal razors)
There are a few places around town (PDX) here you can get blue cheese on a pizza. With some roasted walnuts, caramelized onions and lamb kebab meat, I've considered rolling up a slice and trying to mate with it.
There's always free cheddar in the mouse trap baby,
It's a deal, it's a deal.
As an Obese-Fatsack American, I make it a habit to have several flavors of recombinant BGH cheese on a plate at my door. If visitors refuse to eat them when offered, I show them out the door and immediately call the DHS' Unamerican Activities desk.
My brother dated a girl with three tits. And her name wasn't Christine!
I use to eat Greek pizzas here in CT. The only time I bought a Dominoes Pizza was when I was on an educational business trip in Charlotesville, VA — and when I opened the box, seriously, I almost cried because I was hungry and I knew I wasn't going to eat that.
Dominoes isn't really pizza, it's cheese and shit on a spongy cracker.
Also, it's worth noting some of us are young obese fatsack professionals, who try to eat healthy and stick to yogurt and vegetable sandwiches during the day time to keep up appearances with our colleagues, but then occasionally devour an entire pizza on their own on their days off when nobody's looking.
::cries from shame::
Whatever that substance is that gets put on Domino's pizza, it most certainly is NOT cheese. That spectacular thing one eats in France after le plat principal and before le dessert? THAT'S cheese.
There are very few things that make my sad life worth living. Don't try to ruin cheese for me, too.
Ha. Even the Seahawks had fun stomping on his head at a Chicago rally. Y'know those Seahawks that got edged out yesterday by the Giants 41-7.
I think this ties nicely with the original commenter regarding gravy. Therefore I designate you WINNER!
You know, Arby's has pioneered deep-fried cheesecake. I be they could figure out deep-fried gravy, too.
And before you stuff that turducken in there, why not slide a cheese-filled hot dog up into the turducken?
Northern Italians are the Republicans of Italy. Just look up Lega Nord.
He'll see the bats soon enough.
Does he sing her a Creole lullaby from back home on the bayou while she field-strips and cleans his rifle?
Why, yes I believe she does!
He'd feared his ball turret would never turn again, but the fiery Mademoiselle replenished his clip!
You really should register with the proper authorities for imaging a cheese filled hot dog sliding into a turducken…
She wasn't sure if the safety was on, but then she decided it was better to live dangerously anyway.
Sharing something more of home, he plucked her bass, blew her jug and spooned her washboard.
And she, in turn, bathed his rissoles in her warm gravy , put her hands over his as together they traced the outlines of her plum duff and left him spent and yearning for more quivering blancmange.
You win!
We'll call it a draw…
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