• May 26, 2012
LASSO AND WHIP TRICKS

November 5, 2010

Jim Clyburn Will Battle Steny Hoyer To the Death

by Jack Stuef  

LOOK OUT, STENY! BEHIND YOU!Jim Clyburn wants to keep his job as Democratic whip, and Nancy Pelosi wants to keep her job as the top Democratic leader in Congress. That’s fine, but perhaps you guys could have thought for a second about poor Steny Hoyer, who would also maybe like to stay in one of the high leadership positions? One option for Hoyer is to step away from all this “leadership” stuff and become part of Obama’s emo clique, cutting himself with them under the White House bleachers. The other option is to try to rip a slab of wood from his desk on the House floor and try to impale Jim Clyburn with it. Which shall he choose? We really have no idea. Hoyer’s public duty has always been simply to stand behind Nancy Pelosi at press conferences, looking like a sad-faced Joe Biden; we have no idea what he’s got in him.

“In the days since the election, I have received an outpouring of support from Democratic colleagues who have told me that I should remain in our party’s leadership, so that our Caucus can hit the ground running with a strong, tested leadership team,” Hoyer said in a statement.

The only solution to this is pistols at dawn. No, that’s old politics. The Politics of Hope dictates a wet t-shirt contest. Which man’s torso will be less horrific? [AP/The Hill]

{ 93 comments }

slappypaddy November 5, 2010 at 4:45 pm

they'll hit the ground running with no idea where to go or how to get there.

Sepatown! November 5, 2010 at 4:48 pm

Me Master! Me run Bartertown!

Beetagger November 5, 2010 at 4:50 pm

Steny Hoyer… Feel the Excitement!

ttommyunger November 5, 2010 at 4:52 pm

Oh boy, a battle over leadership in the Democratic cauc……zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Cat_Damon November 5, 2010 at 5:18 pm

heh… "cauc"…

ttommyunger November 5, 2010 at 5:28 pm

Only you, among all three people who read this, caught my secret message.

SayItWithWookies November 5, 2010 at 4:57 pm

Which one do I want to see least on Dancing with the Stars? Okay, tie. Whose tell-all about the seedy inner workings of the Democratic caucus would I be most likely to read? Still a tie. Who has the most potential to lead the Democratic House members fearlessly into a liberal future? Crap, maybe they should just flip a coin.

OCKerouac November 5, 2010 at 5:06 pm

They should flip Boehner. If he lands orange side up than it'll be…

CRAP! This is impossible!

Radiotherapy November 5, 2010 at 5:16 pm

Smashing Pumpkins

fuflans November 5, 2010 at 4:59 pm

dems are never going to regain power unless they start bringing the bachmann crazy.

i wish i was typing in jest.

finallyhappy November 5, 2010 at 5:03 pm

And the one dem with real balls – Alan Grayson- lost his seat.

SayItWithWookies November 5, 2010 at 5:19 pm

Anthony Weiner's still got it. Grayson undid his own self with that "Taliban Dan" ad though — he should've known that our nation's religious extremists, for whom excess in the cause of something-or-other is no vice, are very sensitive about being compared to other nations' religious extremists, who are just a bunch of cowardly fanatics unrooted from reality.

kenlayisalive November 5, 2010 at 8:09 pm

Yay. Our only hope is a guy named weiner. I just hope wedgies don't somehow get into the House Rules.

Cat_Damon November 5, 2010 at 5:19 pm

yeah but you gotta admit, grayson was a firebrand who was, in the grand scheme of things, detrimental to the party, as well as to the idea of intelligent civil discourse.

Fare la Volpe November 5, 2010 at 5:45 pm

You could say the same thing about the entire Republican party, but it hasn't stopped them yet.

Negropolis November 6, 2010 at 1:36 am

Intelligent civil discourse is for the birds, or rather, a nation with a large enough population of intelligent and civil individuals to warrant creating the environment for intelligent civil discourse.

Alan served well. His problem was that he was from Florida, which is either the Redneck Riviera, American Cuba, or God's Waiting Room depending where in the state you are, not because he was too liberal. Florida elected fuckin' crook Scott over Alex Sink. No one could have survived in that environment this year except long-time incumbents.

Gunner Asch November 6, 2010 at 4:36 pm

Doggone it; hit the down button instead of the up. But I do disagree about him being detrimental to the party. If all the Dems were as vigorous fighters I think we would have done much better. Sitting around with a "kick me" sign doesn't seem to have worked very well.

GOPCrusher November 5, 2010 at 5:00 pm

"The other option is to try to rip off a slab of wood from his desk on the House floor and try to impale Jim Clyburn with it. Which shall he choose?"

Really, when you think about it, how many of lifes problems could be solved with THUNDERDOME?
Two men enter, one man leaves!

natoslug November 5, 2010 at 5:04 pm

Two men enter, flail at one another with limp fish and sob until the nation leaves.

SexySmurf November 5, 2010 at 5:25 pm

Two men enter, both reach a compromise that leaves everything unchanged.

SteveMcCroskey November 5, 2010 at 5:33 pm

Can't we get beyond Thunderdome? </mst3k>

Blendergoathead November 5, 2010 at 10:41 pm

Jesus. DeathGuild has played that shit down to it's last, dusty, coughing breath out on the playa.

On the other hand…

SorosBot November 5, 2010 at 5:02 pm

It's time for an '80s-style break-dancing contest; although given these Hoyer and Clyburn's ages, it might be literally break-dancing, as in breaking the hips.

GOPCrusher November 5, 2010 at 5:20 pm

Gives new meaning to poppin and lockin.

salt_bagel November 5, 2010 at 5:56 pm

Teach me how to Steny.

LionelHutzEsq November 5, 2010 at 5:02 pm

Surely the best Democratic solution to this is to have them all gather together in a sweat lodge where they can disrobe and discuss their feelings. After everyone has had a chance to share their feelings and to listen deeply to the other, they could then hug and come out, realizing in the end it was not their differences, but their similarities that make them strong.

Lascauxcaveman November 5, 2010 at 5:21 pm

Ugh. You make a sauna sound so icky.

(I used to love a sauna.)

WordSaladNation November 5, 2010 at 6:06 pm

Yes, "hug" and "come out" indeed.

user-of-owls November 5, 2010 at 6:40 pm

Superb! But don't forget the aromatherapy. You can't truly heal without incinerating something or other to produce a therapeutic stink. Um, aroma.

zhubajie November 6, 2010 at 9:35 am

Lock the door, turn up the heat, and when they're done, feed the Long Pig to the Reptilians.

Worthly Wokette Skum November 5, 2010 at 5:03 pm

All comes down to who's better at handling Boehner.

Fare la Volpe November 5, 2010 at 5:53 pm

But Larry Craig's not in their caucus, dear.

bagofmice November 5, 2010 at 7:56 pm

Today, we are all caucusing with boehner.

Pop_Socket November 5, 2010 at 5:03 pm

Let me be the first to quote Will Rogers: I don't belong to any organized political party. I'm a Democrat.

JackDempsey1 November 5, 2010 at 5:12 pm

More apt Rogers quote:
You've got to be optimist to be a Democrat, and you've got to be a humorist to stay one.

DashboardBuddha November 5, 2010 at 5:57 pm

Or as I like to say…I'm not a democrat, I'm a liberal. Democrats go to meetings.

HistoriCat November 6, 2010 at 8:44 am

I like to think of myself as member of the Democratic wing of the Democratic party.

DashboardBuddha November 6, 2010 at 1:43 pm

too right

FearofaBlackReagan November 5, 2010 at 5:03 pm

When Noobama was elected president my mother in law said it was gonna be "all blacks all the time."

She is going to love this!

Lascauxcaveman November 5, 2010 at 5:23 pm

Pretty sure your mom in law was just talking about her nightlife.

WordSaladNation November 5, 2010 at 6:06 pm

Did she same thing about the Oprah Winfrey Network and Tyler Perry movies?

Negropolis November 6, 2010 at 1:31 am

Gawd, do I loathe the work of Tyler Perry. He took the "black church lady" contingent of my ethnic group, and infected the world with it.

HistoriCat November 6, 2010 at 8:45 am

Where's the apology for that? Obama disappoints once again.

chascates November 5, 2010 at 5:05 pm

Everyone wants to be crew on a sinking ship.

WriteyWriterton November 5, 2010 at 5:13 pm

Deck chairs or settees?

notreelyhelping November 5, 2010 at 5:06 pm

Bowie knives, peyote, and a leather thong held between their teeth. Go!

DCHatesMe November 5, 2010 at 5:12 pm

I think Steny would be a good minority whip .. cracker.

WriteyWriterton November 5, 2010 at 5:12 pm

I'm trying – and failing – to work "Potemkin Village," "McMansion," and "Republican Uberlords" into a sentence about Hoyer and Clyburn.

A little help here? Please?

DashboardBuddha November 5, 2010 at 5:57 pm

Hoyer and Clyburn both built a McMansion in the Potmekin Village, which greatly pleased their Republican Uberlords.

WriteyWriterton November 5, 2010 at 7:28 pm

Thank you.

user-of-owls November 5, 2010 at 6:41 pm

Well, my friend, you already have.

WriteyWriterton November 5, 2010 at 7:28 pm

Caught me. Damn you u-o-o! Damn youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!

OhNoGuy November 5, 2010 at 7:02 pm

NO GOVERNMENT HELP!

WriteyWriterton November 5, 2010 at 7:29 pm

Oh, no, OhNo.

EdFlintstone November 5, 2010 at 5:13 pm

I haven't been this hopped up since skreech vs. horshack on celebrity boxing.

Winnie_Cooper November 5, 2010 at 5:14 pm

Can't we get Josh from the West Wing to be the minority whip? He knew how to throw down.

Cat_Damon November 5, 2010 at 5:21 pm

"Senator, why don't you take your legislative agenda, and shove it up your ass?" Brilliant.

Winnie_Cooper November 5, 2010 at 5:29 pm

Ah, well done. I was thinking more along the lines of:

See, you won with 52 percent, but the President took your district with 59. And I think it's high time we come back and say thanks. Do you have any idea how much noise Air Force One makes when it lands in Eau Claire, Wisconsin? We're gonna have a party, Congressman. You should come; it's gonna be great. And when the watermelon's done, right in town square, right in the band gazebo… You guys got a band gazebo? Doesn't matter; we'll build one. Right in the band gazebo, that's where the President is going to drape his arm around the shoulder of some assistant D.A. we like. And you should have your camera with you, you should get a picture of that, 'cause that's gonna be the moment you're finished in Democratic politics.

President Bartlet's a good man. He's got a good heart. He doesn't hold a grudge. That's what he pays me for.

V572625694 November 5, 2010 at 5:16 pm

Hoyer will replace Pelosi's San Francisco values w/(don't call it)PG County values, where the cops are corrupt white racist thugs and terrorize the predominantly African American population because they can, and the superintendent of schools says text books aren't so important to education as to warrant actually buying them and giving them to students.

metamarcisf November 5, 2010 at 5:16 pm

He could start by changing his name to Dash Riprock

user-of-owls November 5, 2010 at 6:46 pm

Or Biff Steel?

Moonbat November 8, 2010 at 11:17 am

Max Power!

lochnessmonster November 5, 2010 at 5:17 pm

I remember hearing from Hoyer maybe once in the past two years. I think Nancy is the only one with balls big enough for the job.

WriteyWriterton November 5, 2010 at 5:18 pm

The wrong Democratic leader got overthrown in this week's Tea Party. Also.

I'd prefer listening to Chuck Schumer or Dick Durbin rail against the House's idiocrats for the next two years. Harry's just gonna purse his thinner-than-watercolor-paint lips and look like he's got another, uh, what? Hemorrhoid? Attack of gastroenteritis? Disquieting letter from his accountant?

BeWoot November 5, 2010 at 8:02 pm

Yeah. I read that pre-election piece in the New Yorker on Reid and he was portrayed as this junkyard dog-vicious street fighter kinda guy … I kept looking at the pictures to see if they were talking about the same Harry Reid I've been cursing since 2006.

Pelosi, now, I'd hit that. And she'd probably hit me right back.

Amaravilha November 5, 2010 at 5:22 pm

If Steny Hoyer does hit/impale Clyburn, Breitbart will deny it ever happened and demand video proof.

Democrats: the real racists.

WriteyWriterton November 5, 2010 at 5:33 pm

Breitbart? Anyone besides me noticed that Andy looks like a fat Paul Newman (one who's consumed too many of his Oreo (TM) knock-offs). Amiright?

OhNoGuy November 5, 2010 at 7:12 pm

You've got to stop putting off that appointment with the eye doctor.
Paul Newman, Breitbart? HAHAHAHAHAHA

Seriously, call now. See if he has evening hours.

transfatz November 7, 2010 at 3:35 am

It needs to be impale. This is the Democrat's undead year.

DahBoner November 5, 2010 at 5:30 pm

Ole Joe Biden needs to open up a can of Whoop Ass on these whiners.

Thurman Munster IV November 5, 2010 at 5:43 pm

Why does Jill Clayburn want a whip?

Sorry, it's a been a tough week and I started drinking early for the weekend, 3 days ago.

Thurman Munster IV November 5, 2010 at 9:30 pm

Shit, I had no idea when I wrote this…
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/11/06/arts/06clayburg...

Plus I spelled her name wrong

Negropolis November 6, 2010 at 1:32 am

She wants to enslave the white race. Duh. Isn't that what Obama was elected to accomplish?

DahBoner November 5, 2010 at 5:48 pm

When will Pat Robertson be issuing a Body Count video?

WarAndGee November 5, 2010 at 5:56 pm

"Bearer of the 'minority whip' shall be chosen by members favoring a potential candidate's appearance in the 'minority assless chaps.' "

- Article IIIVXII Section 231. Rules of the Congrefs of United State of America.

(Uh huh ha hah huh, I typed "members")

gurukalehuru November 5, 2010 at 6:00 pm

There is one leadership position in the Democratic Party that is wide open. That is "guy who talks like Alan Grayson." Because that person, in my book, will be the leader of the Democratic party, whoever's got whatever silly little loser title.

Chet Kincaid November 6, 2010 at 4:06 pm

Because talking like Alan Grayson worked out so well for Alan Grayson?

WordSaladNation November 5, 2010 at 6:04 pm

Let's LET THE ANAGRAMS DECIDE!

James Clyburn: Carny Jumbles
Steny Hoyer: Hey Rye Snot

Actually, I think what the anagrams decided is that James Clyburn should change his name to "Carny Jumbles."

Mort_Sinclair November 5, 2010 at 6:52 pm

Stoyer Henie? Isn't he Sonja's brother?

Bada boom. That's one for the elder set.

TX_Bluebonnets November 5, 2010 at 7:45 pm

I had a stepfather who carried a picture of Sonja Henie in his wallet until he died in 2006. My mother was tolerant of this and his many other odd foibles.

Steny Hoyer? Steer me clear-er, maybe? Or is that too lacking in dirty double entendre?

neiltheblaze November 5, 2010 at 7:42 pm

Steny Hoyer is as much of a DLC'er as Harold Ford or Rahm Emmanuel or Tim Kaine – who has so magnificently built on Howard Dean's 50 state strategy, no?

DLC'rs are only happy on their knees. And the lower lip action is like nothing John Boner has ever experienced. When Steny hits the ground – he won't be running.

Negropolis November 6, 2010 at 1:26 am

ROTFLMAO!

Come here a minute November 5, 2010 at 7:46 pm

Can you feel the Stenymentum?

Yeah, me neither.

Blendergoathead November 5, 2010 at 10:49 pm

Rahm will exact his personal, virulent revenge on all of you after he loses the clusterfuck election for mayor. Shut your fucking mouths and OBEY (the corporate donors who will come back and pay if the Dems start sucking better than the teabaggers, which I'm pretty sure they're not happy with – the corporate donors, that is).

Jesus, did that make any sense? Whatever.

zhubajie November 6, 2010 at 9:40 am

Yes, I assume Rahm will not be de maya of Chicaga either. So what next?

user-of-owls November 5, 2010 at 11:02 pm

Allez, allez allez! To the barricades!

Negropolis November 6, 2010 at 1:28 am

I'm not much a fan of Clyburn or Hoyer, but can someone tell me what the fuck Hoyer does? I know what Clyburn and Pelosi do, but Steny looks like human wallpaper manifest.

HistoriCat November 6, 2010 at 8:53 am

Truly, those brave patriots ripped through here on a commando raid of such daring audacity that we shall speak of it in hushed tones throughout the ages.

Like Doolittle's raid on Tokyo, their bravery – their audacity will be celebrated by all true
Americans!

zhubajie November 6, 2010 at 9:38 am

A pity it's died out. Ditto for dueling.

zhubajie November 6, 2010 at 9:43 am

They don't need a whip, they need a cat'o'nine tails.

seppdecker November 6, 2010 at 10:42 am

When you hit the ground at Steny's age, the result is usually a broken hip.

I'm all for continuity, but doesn't mean I want to see every loser from a safe district who's still clinging to life get rewarded with an important job. Give 'em a nice ribbon.

donner_froh November 6, 2010 at 6:44 pm

Our Caucus can hit the ground ru… splat

transfatz November 7, 2010 at 3:43 am

Thanks, I've been noticing that and trying to restore thumbs whenever I come across them. I think this is a much tougher room than where they all hang out. I'm never surprised when my dumb comments end up a "1" but almost everyone else's comments here deserve better than a "0".

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