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U.S. Finally Adds Jobs, But Not the Kind That Drop Unemployment

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The United States economy added 151,000 jobs in October, a welcome change after four months of job losses but still not enough to make a dent in unemployment.

Oh. Well, tell us when it does, okay? We’ll be waiting, right here in this cardboard box.

Meanwhile, Obama now says the reason he is going to Asia is to STEAL their jobs and give them to us. Or something like that. Good luck, bro! Don’t just bring back a copy of their want ads! [NYT]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  • SexySmurf

    Meanwhile, Obama now says the reason he is going to Asia to STEAL their jobs and give them to us.

    We're all going to be snake charmers or racist stereotypes trying to kill Indiana Jones.

  • ttommyunger

    Bait and switch! I am outraged. I took the trouble to click on this link expecting an article on blowjobs (check your own tweet, Wonkette) and what do I see? Zip, Nada, Buttkiss! If there is one thing this country needs to add it is more blowjobs; I've been unemblowjobbed for years with no relief in sight. I won't forget this Jack, you are too cruel.

    • transfatz

      "Unemblowjobbed" Masterful.

      • ttommyunger

        “Masterful”, possibly. “True”, undeniably.

        • Fare la Volpe

          I'm sure you can find a Blanche Devereaux type somewhere in the retirement village. I hear women "of that sort" congregate around the bingo table at all hours of the night, sometimes even as late as 7pm!

          • ttommyunger

            7PM! Sorry, past my bedtime.

    • nachoproblem

      You realize you only get those benefits for six months, right?

      • ttommyunger

        Trying to figure out if that is a threat or a promise.

  • SmutBoffin

    Were those jobs temporary campaign jobs? 'Cause they are gone now.

    Also, what jobs does Asia have to offer? Vodka distiller? Rickshaw driver? Military strongman?

    • OCKerouac

      Don't forget Lackey to Evil Overlord. With that one you even get a snazzy metal-brimmed hat!

    • lochnessmonster

      The campaign jobs are being retooled for the 2012 election. They've been talking about it since Tuesday afternoon.

    • kenlayisalive

      Opium kingpin?

      Selling origami swans on the street?

    • Mindblank

      Poo carrier is popular in India.

    • zhubajie

      English teacher is fun.

    • zhubajie

      The Russians got the market for blonde harlots sewn up.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Meanwhile, Obama now says the reason he is going to Asia to STEAL their jobs and give them to us.
    Great — I've always wondered how they make Nikes.

    • LionelHutzEsq

      Well, may I be the first to say that I look forward to making shoes for our wealthy Indian overloads in our burgeoning sweat shops. Soon, Unemployment will be a thing only felt in first world nations!

      • Mort_Sinclair

        I love those moccasins with all the little white, blue, and red beads in the shapes of thunderbird falcons on the front. I used to say to my friend, "They were once a proud people" feeling bad and all, but now that they are our Indian overlords….what??? wrong Indians? Never mind.

    • kenlayisalive

      You have to be under 11 to get that job, sorry.

  • revmod

    It will be a proud day when rust belt call centers begin supporting Verizon's Vietnamese customers.

    • kenlayisalive

      Well, one of my prize possessions in the world is a 1968 Berlitz English-Vietnamese phrase book, which includes such necessary phrases as "Who is your commander?" and "Where are the tunnels?".

      So don't laugh, I might actually have a chance at this job.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        I had some time to kill when I was deployed in Afghanistan and decided to take some classes in Dari over at Camp Eggers two nights a week. Some of the phrases they started us out with were "Put your hands behind your head!" and "Lie down on the ground!" and "You are my prisoner!" Not exactly the "Please direct me to the bus station" or "Yes, I would like another glass of tea" I was hoping for; I didn't bother going back for a second lesson.

  • Come here a minute

    Krugman says this rate will lead to full employment around 2030 or so. I say better late than never, but not by much.

  • SorosBot

    Hey, look on the bright side; war-on-Christmas time is coming, so there should be a big increase in temporary part-time minimum-wage retail jobs.

  • mavenmaven

    Jobs from India won't help. The Republican party wants us all to be working for Walmart.

  • neiltheblaze

    Great! By January, the jobless rate will go down a couple of percentage points, and Boner will take all the credit.

    • JustPixelz

      Further drops as sick people die off under the Repubican "saying 'no' makes you feel better" health plan.

  • nounverb911

    Just wait until all of those soon to be unemployed Democrat Congressmen hit the street. The unemployment figures will soar.

    • widestanceroman

      Oh, great, more old men in bad suits singing 'Let the Figures Soar.'

  • chascates

    The uptick in new jobs won't last. Eventually everyone will be wearing a tinfoil hat and we won't need any new ones.

  • Negropolis

    You mean, steal their jobs back to us.

    Hell, if they can sell their Kia's and Hyundai's over here, we sure as hell should be able to sell our GM's and Ford's over there. It's only fair.

    • zhubajie

      GMs and Fords are popular in China, but they are made in China.

  • Mindblank

    Today, we are all untouchable garbage sorters.

  • johnnyzhivago

    Wait a minute – I heard Obama is bringing 151,000 people with him to India – I think this is a demo-rat scam!

  • zhubajie

    Rest assured, no one in the G20 will agree to stay poor just so Americans can continue to be fat, dumb and happy.

  • zhubajie

    The best we can hope is for China, etc., to continue to pay us to fight pointless wars against people who will kick our wazoos.

  • mrpuma2u

    "We’ll be waiting, right here in this cardboard box."

    Is it near the cardboard collage shelter that Christine O'Donnell made out of her now-defunct campaign placards??? In the recent warm weather she was able to take a sponge bath in the state park, but now won't be able to shower unless she panhandles enough to use the shower at the truck stop.