BARRY CAN YOU HEAR ME?  3:13 pm November 5, 2010

Obama Is Just Fine With the Election Results, Okay?

by Sara Benincasa

Molten copper fapping inside!Barack Obama had a Very Tough Week, in that he was still the president and the first black chief executive of these United States and a hero to millions around the world and brilliant and handsome and also, fuck you, he gave you health insurance and saved your stupid auto industry. But whatevs, people in Congress lost or won things, so I guess that means he is finished. It is with a heavy heart and a throbbing girlboner that I turn your attention to Barry’s recent scamperings with this week’s West Wing Week! Huzzah.

On Friday, Bamz went to Maryland to talk to metalworkers. When these alchemists saw him coming, they immediately removed the dross from the silver, and out came Jesus. Jesus and Obama danced together whilst singing a duet of “Dancing With Myself,” and then everybody masturbated furiously into a vat of molten copper. Then Barack talked about letting small business owners deduct 100% of the cost of equipment and upgrades from their taxes through the end of 2011.

Also, hi, remember when Yemen made bombs out of office supplies? That is the first red flag, when somebody actually HAS a toner cartridge. They are never there when you need them, amiright? Then you have to call whoever is in charge of the supplies and they’re all, “Yeah, we’re out, you really need to order those when the warning light first goes on, not when it’s totally out, it’ll be a week” and you’re all, “FUCK YOU, ARTHUR IN OPERATIONS.” So Obama handled that.

On Saturday, NOTHING HAPPENED, or so White House Videographer Arun Chaudhary would have us believe. He enjoys pretending that certain days do not occur, so that “West Wing Week” becomes “Patchwork Assortment of West Wing Days.” This means that Obama was in a bunker making out with his robot BFF Dick Cheney all day and all night. It is hypocritical that these two men refuse to put our gays and lesbians in the Armed Forces and in the Wedding Chapel, when they are so consumed with sucking the breath from each other’s warm, handsome bodies.

On Sunday, there was Trick-or-Treating, or “Adorable Child Terrorism.” The White House held a party for military families, as if THEY aren’t used to spooky surprises. Everyone ate Reese’s Pieces and then Tim Curry appeared in fishnets and it was surprisingly sexy, once you got over the awkward feeling it gave you.

On Monday, Barack called a bunch of radio stations. “Are you on the line to tell us to vote, Mr. President?” asked the douchebag morning DJs, immediately before hitting various fart noise effects on their sound boards. “No, I want to be the 100th caller and win tickets to see Train at the County Amphitheater!” yelled Barack. “Ohhh…uhhh…” said the DJs. “Zigga zigga, you’re on with Jizz and Giggles in the Morning, WASS-Allentown!”

On Tuesday, White House Associate Director of New Media and certified Hot Chick Kori Schulman did her usual “Tuesday Talks” thing for WhiteHouse.gov. It was about Asia, or something? The point is that Kori Schulman is the yin to Deputy Director of Oval Office Operations Brian “John Krasinski” Mosteller’s yang, i.e., I would do it with both of them (but not at the same time.) This is a funny thing for me to say about Brian, but a sexist thing for me to say about Kori, who never asked to be objectified when she made whatever excellent life decisions led her to get paid to host a web series at the fucking White House at the age of 17. I am a terrible feminist! Someone call Jezebel Dot Com! Anyway, SORRY, she’s adorable.

On Wednesday, BamBam held a press conference in the East Room and talked about how much everything sucks, i.e., how Democrats and Republicans have to work together.

On Thursday, Obama met with his League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and Women. Unlike that shitty movie, there was no Sean Connery, and that was sad. But on the upside, Obama and Biden “surprised” some wounded veterans with a visit to their White House tour. Probably the abundance of professional photography lights did not tip them off, nor did the fact that they were in a room which had been set up for a photo-op.

And that’s it for this week, Wonkidiots. If you live in Los Angeles, which you don’t, you should come to this FREE thing on Monday night. If not, then content yourself with gently stroking your blow-up poster of Keith Olbermann and remembering simpler times. Haha, he will have a deal with TBS by nightfall.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 60 comments }

imissopus November 5, 2010 at 3:18 pm

I DEMAND COMPS FOR MONDAY NIGHT!!1!

Oh it's free? Never mind then.

the_onceler November 5, 2010 at 3:20 pm

nothing about being hit by coconuts on his $200 million per day vacation in India?

Weenus299 November 5, 2010 at 3:20 pm

Teh Wonkett: Pleaz bring FREE THINGS to Columbia, South Cackilacky.

SexySmurf November 5, 2010 at 3:24 pm

I don't think Hopey would actually like a band as shitty as Train.

bitchincamaro2 November 5, 2010 at 3:57 pm

Now, Kyle Gass's band, Trainwreck, is another story.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ISRJve29Z64

forgracie November 5, 2010 at 3:25 pm

Sara, you had me at throbbing girl boner….whatever that may be.

harry_palmer November 5, 2010 at 3:29 pm

It's what's for dinner.

ttommyunger November 5, 2010 at 3:40 pm

It's the other, other white meat.

Toomush_Infer November 5, 2010 at 3:26 pm

Okay, I get my intermush connection hooked back together in the basement of my boonie home (cardboard), and the first thing I find is Sara talking about her throbbing girlboner….I gotta go now….. but first I would like to say something about being in casa……

SmutBoffin November 5, 2010 at 3:28 pm

…and then everybody masturbated furiously into a vat of molten copper.

Huh. Glenn Beck and Ron Paul do this all the time, but with gold, pure gold.

Mindblank November 5, 2010 at 3:42 pm

'Bronzed' Boehner. Also.

widestanceroman November 5, 2010 at 3:43 pm

I've half a mind to un-follow you for that imagery, but as it was funny and you are my only follower, I'm going to give you a likey thumb instead.

Also, BCYHM has become my favorite Friday Wonkette treat, replacing the late Newell's Noonan column.

SayItWithWookies November 5, 2010 at 3:31 pm

Now that Nosferatu Cheney doesn't have a pulse, does making out with him count as necrophilia? Also, I really can't imagine our Barry doing that — which is probably why Tim Curry was hanging around — the prez was just making the introductions.

LionelHutzEsq November 5, 2010 at 4:36 pm

I'm pretty sure that making out with Dick just counts as gross, with or without pulse.

LionelHutzEsq November 5, 2010 at 4:58 pm

Actually, without a pulse might make it better.

WhatTheHeck November 5, 2010 at 3:31 pm

Sara, I'd love to come see you perform for free…
but I'll still be working at that hour. So, alas, I will have to worship you from not so afar.

PsycWench November 5, 2010 at 3:33 pm


This means that Obama was in a bunker making out with his robot BFF Dick Cheney all day and all night.

Girlfriend, have some mercy. That image cannot be unimagined.

Lascauxcaveman November 5, 2010 at 4:10 pm

throbbing girlboner

Well HELLO THERE, Missy!

Obama was in a bunker making out with his robot BFF Dick Cheney all day and all night… so consumed with sucking the breath from each other’s warm, handsome bodies.

ugh. goodbye.

LionelHutzEsq November 5, 2010 at 3:35 pm

You know, having been preparing for the worse, I'm not that upset over Tuesday. Maybe it is the drugs, or the warm Messianic embrace of Obama, but having been through '94, this seems pretty boring.

Plus, the GOP is already at each other's throats, and half the people they elected are crazy, and once they actually have to take positions on things, either their followers will rebel and use their Second Amendment Remedies, or the other 80% of the country will realize that just because the economy is bad, putting idiots that have no idea what they are saying or doing in power just doesn't work.

And, hell, this just might give us what we here at Wonkette all want: A Sarah Palin Candidacy. Yes, I know some Dems wanted a Reagan candidacy in '80, but hell, if we are going to crash and burn, might as well have it done with Idiocracy levels of flair. Also.

As George Bush proved over and over again, those that hate government tend to be really shitty at running it. Should be a fun two years around here.

slappypaddy November 5, 2010 at 3:47 pm

as long as we get our electrolytes.

ttommyunger November 5, 2010 at 3:54 pm

As I've been saying ever since I saw them together at a campaign function in 2007, it will be Gov. Rick "Perfect Hair Forever" Perry and Sarah "Fuckmehard" Palin in 2012 or before. She outgrew Alaska and you know she has outgrown the First Dud. How they will get rid of Mr. Snowmobile without alienating the Bible Thumpers is a chapter yet to be written. I would not rule homicide out of the equation. I can see it now: "Perry & Palin in 2012-Go to Heaven, Not to Hell" No, seriously, if you don't vote for us, you will go to Hell.

glindsey1979 November 5, 2010 at 4:01 pm

"Mr. Snowmobile"

You said it right there — freak snowmobile accident. These things happen. Plus then she gets the sympathy vote for those who feel sorry about the horribly tragic loss of her manchild.

ttommyunger November 5, 2010 at 4:15 pm

It will be interesting.

Lascauxcaveman November 5, 2010 at 4:20 pm

How they will get rid of Mr. Snowmobile without alienating the Bible Thumpers is a chapter yet to be written.

Probably snowmachine down a crevasse. Just have to get Esquimo Todd all psyched up about the next expedition to the North Pole. Some rich Climate Change deniers will fund it, and tell him the ice shelf is rock solid and mirror smooth all the way to the pole. First solo expedition evar. You'll be famous! Full throttle! Go for it, boy!

ttommyunger November 5, 2010 at 4:36 pm

Shouldn't be hard to inveigle him, he doesn't seem to be the brightest bulb on the tree.

Lost_Teabaggers November 5, 2010 at 4:33 pm

Fucking hell you still think Bible thumpers care if THEIR candidates actually obey their stupid "morality"? Obviously you're forgetting the very man who created the flaming glob of poop called "Famuly Valuhs" to toss at Democrats himself has been divorced more times and cheated on his wives more times while actively fucking them over with settlements than the entire country combined. They don't give a flying fuck about the morality of their own chosen candidates, it's how authoritarian they are that matters; the more the better. Since Snowbilly's short career has been marked by heavy doses of authoritarian abuse of office for personal vendettas she's a perfect heir apparent to Bush; (and don't even THINK the entire Republican Party isn't made up of "Bush Republicans", the whole "Reaganism" claim only holds up if you don't actually research Reagan's presidency) no one else even comes close in that regard.

ttommyunger November 5, 2010 at 4:41 pm

You forget their unyielding bent towards hypocrisy. They demand morale behavior IN OTHERS, just not themselves. Diaper Dave's re-election would seem to fly in the face of my opinion, but keep in mind where his election took place; those people are really seriously retarded. In any event, you may well be right and I am probably wrong: I usually am, just ask my wife.

zhubajie November 6, 2010 at 9:51 am

Hey, how about Diaper Dave for VP, with Sarah, the Abomination of Palination!

LionelHutzEsq November 5, 2010 at 4:41 pm

I'm assuming that the first dude will succumb to what all conservative men succumb to: gay sex with boys or religious leaders.

ttommyunger November 5, 2010 at 4:50 pm

Hmmmm. Interesting. This would give the Snowbilly Queen undeniable grounds for divorce and render moot any unflattering future pronouncements by the former First Dude. But how to entice him? I've got it! Dress the boy in a sled dog outfit and dip him in whale blubber? Todd will be off that snowmobile and on that kid like white on rice. Genius!

Toomush_Infer November 5, 2010 at 4:02 pm

Yeahbut…the GOB actually will pass any dumb thing the Teabaggers can think up – in the House – and then the Senate will go No, or Nay or Uhuh or whatever they do, and then it's OBAMABASHING TIME…'cause if he had only made it happen, you know – JOBZ!!!!!….might as well go back to being depressed…

Lascauxcaveman November 5, 2010 at 4:16 pm

or the other 80% of the country will realize that just because the economy is bad, putting idiots that have no idea what they are saying or doing in power just doesn't work.

Cue Supertramp ("Dreamer.")

LionelHutzEsq November 5, 2010 at 4:40 pm

Ahhh…. I thought you were going to cue up "Bloody Well Right," or "The Logical Song."

Lost_Teabaggers November 5, 2010 at 4:42 pm

Ourselves and Tina Fey are REALLY looking forward to it. Okay, why think so small? The entire comedy industry is looking forward to over a year of Snowbilly giving them gems to make fun of. I don't this GOP congress will last for very long but I also think you're giving them far too much credit for being independent of each other that they'll actually publicly go after each other. It will be funny to see how Rand Paul is handled what with his bad toupe and own self created senate and horrible habit of actually being honest and therefore making a full exhibition of the crazy and racism that lurks under every other Republicans 50th lard layer. It's going to be awesome watching that weak chinned woman Mitch the Bitch try to bring Rand to heel when he tries to get rid of social security and medicare and the D of E along with the 14th Amendment and the Civil Rights Act; it'll be absolutely hilarious.

zhubajie November 6, 2010 at 9:53 am

If Rand Paul only would come out for legalizing Kentucky's biggest cash crop!

WordSaladNation November 5, 2010 at 3:38 pm

Yes! Degree in journalism from Columbia or GTFO!

neiltheblaze November 5, 2010 at 3:41 pm

Dick Cheney's body? Warm and handsome? Barry – ok, I'll give ya that – but Cheney?

HistoriCat November 5, 2010 at 3:42 pm

The West Wing Week link in Sara's post. You have to get about 3 minutes in.

Kori does look like a tasty morsel but she might be a little emo. I need more video evidence to decide.

slappypaddy November 5, 2010 at 4:07 pm

succulent lips and downcast eyes. looks like she'd cut a bastard in a second if he crossed her.

Mindblank November 5, 2010 at 3:43 pm

Hear, hear! Teh Googles has failed me!

Mumbletypeg November 5, 2010 at 3:46 pm

Sara, you had me at throbbing girl boner

Well, she had me at the Alan Moore reference, even though the movie version did suck. Thank you Sarah, for helping remember, remember the 5th of November.

slappypaddy November 5, 2010 at 3:49 pm

sara, i think i prefer your universe to mine. are all the seats taken yet?

bitchincamaro2 November 5, 2010 at 3:50 pm

I've trashed my Keith Olbermann poster and dusted off my Keith Richards doll for the weekend. In keeping with my moratorium boycott of cable news, I'll be curling up with Keith. And his book.

zhubajie November 6, 2010 at 9:55 am

Does KR sell his own deluxe blow-up dolls?

Come here a minute November 5, 2010 at 4:01 pm

I can't believe the Jizz and Giggles calls didn't keep the House in Democratic hands — there's no better way to GOTV than morning drive-time.

WarAndGee November 5, 2010 at 4:09 pm

"Then Barack talked about letting small business owners deduct 100% of the cost of equipment and upgrades from their taxes through the end of 2011."

Fuck dude, can you fail anymore at socialism. Jesus, you were out there on the campaign trail saying like "I'll be the most socialicious president ever, I'm going make government so big America is going to have an erection all day," or something like that.

And then what Nobama? You let us down, The TARP money is almost all paid back, You fucking gave tax breaks to the middle class, and cripes all that stimulus money is ending up in the private sector to build roads and shit.

For being so up in our faces about being all socialismy Mr. President I think you suck at it! 97% of the economy is still in private ownership.

Damn, you even let the CIA and shit stop those printer bombs your buddies tried to send us. So I guess you suck at the Islams too.

You are an utter failure at living up to my expectations. W.P.E. (Worst President Ever.)

zhubajie November 6, 2010 at 9:57 am

Abolish all those local zoning laws that prevent farmers' markets and flea markets and people from selling moonshine from the trunks of their cars! Safeway and Krogers and Walmart would shit, but it wouldn't be socialist!

OneDollarJuana November 5, 2010 at 4:16 pm

"Throbbing girl boner! Throbbing girl boner! Throbbing girl boner!"

(with a nod to Zippy)

Lost_Teabaggers November 5, 2010 at 4:21 pm

You know if I were Obama and if I were I'd be successful and president and have a wife with a voluptuous booty and Sara Benincasa masturbating to my every move while lurking in the bushes outside of the West Wing so I'd be awesome…but anyway, what was I talking about now? Oh yes, if I were Obama I'd have taken the opportunity during my press conference to stare at the camera and say "to those who supported me in 2008 and stayed home because I didn't do EVERYTHING that you demanded you selfish, self centered and unrealistic asswipes, fuck you, you brought this upon me and everyone else; oh and by the way enjoy getting your civil rights and public option now that the obese wingnut scooter driving poop tossers hold all the policy strings, so one more time fuck you!" then I'd go back to being despondent.

Chet Kincaid November 5, 2010 at 6:48 pm

Stop moping, Barry. Make a booty call into the next room.

zhubajie November 6, 2010 at 10:00 am

In all honesty, he kept all of the autocratic powers Bush usurped and added assassinating people on his personal "terrorist" list. He's not better than Bush, just more slick.

If he'd started arresting or assassinating the Limpbowels, the Fox (inthehenhouse) news team, etc., at least the Reptilians would respect him.

DahBoner November 5, 2010 at 4:24 pm

You forgot to mention that after the GIANT FUCKING TIDAL WAVE OF DEEEEEEEESTRUCTIONS AT THE POLLS, that on Wednesday morning, the Earth is still here and we are (mostly) still alive and life goes on.

The Boners haz not prevailed!

joobajooba November 5, 2010 at 4:24 pm

Omigod. She's Wednesday Addams! Getting ready to blow up a train set! http://tinyurl.com/26ktrgh

lochnessmonster November 5, 2010 at 5:31 pm

Sara, I passed along the term “Adorable Child Terrorism.” to @SteveDahlShow because Steve hates Halloween. It fits just right with his dislike of the 'Holiday".

donner_froh November 5, 2010 at 7:29 pm

throbbing girlboner is the best epithet since "gray-eyed Athena" which covers about 4,000 years of people writing stuff down.

BarackMyWorld November 6, 2010 at 11:03 am

“Are you on the line to tell us to vote, Mr. President?” asked the douchebag morning DJs, immediately before hitting various fart noise effects on their sound boards. “No, I want to be the 100th caller and win tickets to see Train at the County Amphitheater!” yelled Barack.

Brilliant.

ttommyunger November 7, 2010 at 8:33 am

Better hair. Did I just say that?

ttommyunger November 6, 2010 at 11:27 am

I sincerely believe she will hook up (in every possible way) with Tx Gov. Rick Perry in 2012.

zhubajie November 7, 2010 at 6:50 am

In what way is Parry more entertaining than Diaper Dave? Does he havea couple dozen hookers available for interview, etc.?

ttommyunger November 7, 2010 at 8:33 am

Better hair.

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