Barack Obama had a Very Tough Week, in that he was still the president and the first black chief executive of these United States and a hero to millions around the world and brilliant and handsome and also, fuck you, he gave you health insurance and saved your stupid auto industry. But whatevs, people in Congress lost or won things, so I guess that means he is finished. It is with a heavy heart and a throbbing girlboner that I turn your attention to Barry’s recent scamperings with this week’s West Wing Week! Huzzah.
On Friday, Bamz went to Maryland to talk to metalworkers. When these alchemists saw him coming, they immediately removed the dross from the silver, and out came Jesus. Jesus and Obama danced together whilst singing a duet of “Dancing With Myself,” and then everybody masturbated furiously into a vat of molten copper. Then Barack talked about letting small business owners deduct 100% of the cost of equipment and upgrades from their taxes through the end of 2011.
Also, hi, remember when Yemen made bombs out of office supplies? That is the first red flag, when somebody actually HAS a toner cartridge. They are never there when you need them, amiright? Then you have to call whoever is in charge of the supplies and they’re all, “Yeah, we’re out, you really need to order those when the warning light first goes on, not when it’s totally out, it’ll be a week” and you’re all, “FUCK YOU, ARTHUR IN OPERATIONS.” So Obama handled that.
On Saturday, NOTHING HAPPENED, or so White House Videographer Arun Chaudhary would have us believe. He enjoys pretending that certain days do not occur, so that “West Wing Week” becomes “Patchwork Assortment of West Wing Days.” This means that Obama was in a bunker making out with his robot BFF Dick Cheney all day and all night. It is hypocritical that these two men refuse to put our gays and lesbians in the Armed Forces and in the Wedding Chapel, when they are so consumed with sucking the breath from each other’s warm, handsome bodies.
On Sunday, there was Trick-or-Treating, or “Adorable Child Terrorism.” The White House held a party for military families, as if THEY aren’t used to spooky surprises. Everyone ate Reese’s Pieces and then Tim Curry appeared in fishnets and it was surprisingly sexy, once you got over the awkward feeling it gave you.
On Monday, Barack called a bunch of radio stations. “Are you on the line to tell us to vote, Mr. President?” asked the douchebag morning DJs, immediately before hitting various fart noise effects on their sound boards. “No, I want to be the 100th caller and win tickets to see Train at the County Amphitheater!” yelled Barack. “Ohhh…uhhh…” said the DJs. “Zigga zigga, you’re on with Jizz and Giggles in the Morning, WASS-Allentown!”
On Tuesday, White House Associate Director of New Media and certified Hot Chick Kori Schulman did her usual “Tuesday Talks” thing for WhiteHouse.gov. It was about Asia, or something? The point is that Kori Schulman is the yin to Deputy Director of Oval Office Operations Brian “John Krasinski” Mosteller’s yang, i.e., I would do it with both of them (but not at the same time.) This is a funny thing for me to say about Brian, but a sexist thing for me to say about Kori, who never asked to be objectified when she made whatever excellent life decisions led her to get paid to host a web series at the fucking White House at the age of 17. I am a terrible feminist! Someone call Jezebel Dot Com! Anyway, SORRY, she’s adorable.
On Wednesday, BamBam held a press conference in the East Room and talked about how much everything sucks, i.e., how Democrats and Republicans have to work together.
On Thursday, Obama met with his League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and Women. Unlike that shitty movie, there was no Sean Connery, and that was sad. But on the upside, Obama and Biden “surprised” some wounded veterans with a visit to their White House tour. Probably the abundance of professional photography lights did not tip them off, nor did the fact that they were in a room which had been set up for a photo-op.
And that’s it for this week, Wonkidiots. If you live in Los Angeles, which you don’t, you should come to this FREE thing on Monday night. If not, then content yourself with gently stroking your blow-up poster of Keith Olbermann and remembering simpler times. Haha, he will have a deal with TBS by nightfall.