barry can you hear me?

Obama Is Just Fine With the Election Results, Okay?

Molten copper fapping inside!Barack Obama had a Very Tough Week, in that he was still the president and the first black chief executive of these United States and a hero to millions around the world and brilliant and handsome and also, fuck you, he gave you health insurance and saved your stupid auto industry. But whatevs, people in Congress lost or won things, so I guess that means he is finished. It is with a heavy heart and a throbbing girlboner that I turn your attention to Barry’s recent scamperings with this week’s West Wing Week! Huzzah.

On Friday, Bamz went to Maryland to talk to metalworkers. When these alchemists saw him coming, they immediately removed the dross from the silver, and out came Jesus. Jesus and Obama danced together whilst singing a duet of “Dancing With Myself,” and then everybody masturbated furiously into a vat of molten copper. Then Barack talked about letting small business owners deduct 100% of the cost of equipment and upgrades from their taxes through the end of 2011.

Also, hi, remember when Yemen made bombs out of office supplies? That is the first red flag, when somebody actually HAS a toner cartridge. They are never there when you need them, amiright? Then you have to call whoever is in charge of the supplies and they’re all, “Yeah, we’re out, you really need to order those when the warning light first goes on, not when it’s totally out, it’ll be a week” and you’re all, “FUCK YOU, ARTHUR IN OPERATIONS.” So Obama handled that.

On Saturday, NOTHING HAPPENED, or so White House Videographer Arun Chaudhary would have us believe. He enjoys pretending that certain days do not occur, so that “West Wing Week” becomes “Patchwork Assortment of West Wing Days.” This means that Obama was in a bunker making out with his robot BFF Dick Cheney all day and all night. It is hypocritical that these two men refuse to put our gays and lesbians in the Armed Forces and in the Wedding Chapel, when they are so consumed with sucking the breath from each other’s warm, handsome bodies.

On Sunday, there was Trick-or-Treating, or “Adorable Child Terrorism.” The White House held a party for military families, as if THEY aren’t used to spooky surprises. Everyone ate Reese’s Pieces and then Tim Curry appeared in fishnets and it was surprisingly sexy, once you got over the awkward feeling it gave you.

On Monday, Barack called a bunch of radio stations. “Are you on the line to tell us to vote, Mr. President?” asked the douchebag morning DJs, immediately before hitting various fart noise effects on their sound boards. “No, I want to be the 100th caller and win tickets to see Train at the County Amphitheater!” yelled Barack. “Ohhh…uhhh…” said the DJs. “Zigga zigga, you’re on with Jizz and Giggles in the Morning, WASS-Allentown!”

On Tuesday, White House Associate Director of New Media and certified Hot Chick Kori Schulman did her usual “Tuesday Talks” thing for WhiteHouse.gov. It was about Asia, or something? The point is that Kori Schulman is the yin to Deputy Director of Oval Office Operations Brian “John Krasinski” Mosteller’s yang, i.e., I would do it with both of them (but not at the same time.) This is a funny thing for me to say about Brian, but a sexist thing for me to say about Kori, who never asked to be objectified when she made whatever excellent life decisions led her to get paid to host a web series at the fucking White House at the age of 17. I am a terrible feminist! Someone call Jezebel Dot Com! Anyway, SORRY, she’s adorable.

On Wednesday, BamBam held a press conference in the East Room and talked about how much everything sucks, i.e., how Democrats and Republicans have to work together.

On Thursday, Obama met with his League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and Women. Unlike that shitty movie, there was no Sean Connery, and that was sad. But on the upside, Obama and Biden “surprised” some wounded veterans with a visit to their White House tour. Probably the abundance of professional photography lights did not tip them off, nor did the fact that they were in a room which had been set up for a photo-op.

And that’s it for this week, Wonkidiots. If you live in Los Angeles, which you don’t, you should come to this FREE thing on Monday night. If not, then content yourself with gently stroking your blow-up poster of Keith Olbermann and remembering simpler times. Haha, he will have a deal with TBS by nightfall.

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About the author

Sara Benincasa is an award-winning comedian, writer and radio talk show host. Her outspoken, sexually-charged comedy has won praise from the Chicago Tribune, CNN, The Guardian, and The New York Times, and has earned her an ECNY (Emerging Comedian of New York) Award and a Webby nomination. Her memoir, "Agorafabulous!: Dispatches From My Bedroom," (William Morrow/HarperCollins), was based on her critically acclaimed solo show about panic attacks and agoraphobia. She is currently working on a novel for young adults.

View all articles by Sara Benincasa

Hola wonkerados.

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60 comments

  1. Toomush_Infer

    Okay, I get my intermush connection hooked back together in the basement of my boonie home (cardboard), and the first thing I find is Sara talking about her throbbing girlboner….I gotta go now….. but first I would like to say something about being in casa……

  2. SmutBoffin

    …and then everybody masturbated furiously into a vat of molten copper.

    Huh. Glenn Beck and Ron Paul do this all the time, but with gold, pure gold.

    1. widestanceroman

      I've half a mind to un-follow you for that imagery, but as it was funny and you are my only follower, I'm going to give you a likey thumb instead.

      Also, BCYHM has become my favorite Friday Wonkette treat, replacing the late Newell's Noonan column.

  3. SayItWithWookies

    Now that Nosferatu Cheney doesn't have a pulse, does making out with him count as necrophilia? Also, I really can't imagine our Barry doing that — which is probably why Tim Curry was hanging around — the prez was just making the introductions.

  4. WhatTheHeck

    Sara, I'd love to come see you perform for free…
    but I'll still be working at that hour. So, alas, I will have to worship you from not so afar.

  5. PsycWench


    This means that Obama was in a bunker making out with his robot BFF Dick Cheney all day and all night.

    Girlfriend, have some mercy. That image cannot be unimagined.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      throbbing girlboner

      Well HELLO THERE, Missy!

      Obama was in a bunker making out with his robot BFF Dick Cheney all day and all night… so consumed with sucking the breath from each other’s warm, handsome bodies.

      ugh. goodbye.

  6. LionelHutzEsq

    You know, having been preparing for the worse, I'm not that upset over Tuesday. Maybe it is the drugs, or the warm Messianic embrace of Obama, but having been through '94, this seems pretty boring.

    Plus, the GOP is already at each other's throats, and half the people they elected are crazy, and once they actually have to take positions on things, either their followers will rebel and use their Second Amendment Remedies, or the other 80% of the country will realize that just because the economy is bad, putting idiots that have no idea what they are saying or doing in power just doesn't work.

    And, hell, this just might give us what we here at Wonkette all want: A Sarah Palin Candidacy. Yes, I know some Dems wanted a Reagan candidacy in '80, but hell, if we are going to crash and burn, might as well have it done with Idiocracy levels of flair. Also.

    As George Bush proved over and over again, those that hate government tend to be really shitty at running it. Should be a fun two years around here.

    1. ttommyunger

      As I've been saying ever since I saw them together at a campaign function in 2007, it will be Gov. Rick "Perfect Hair Forever" Perry and Sarah "Fuckmehard" Palin in 2012 or before. She outgrew Alaska and you know she has outgrown the First Dud. How they will get rid of Mr. Snowmobile without alienating the Bible Thumpers is a chapter yet to be written. I would not rule homicide out of the equation. I can see it now: "Perry & Palin in 2012-Go to Heaven, Not to Hell" No, seriously, if you don't vote for us, you will go to Hell.

      1. glindsey1979

        "Mr. Snowmobile"

        You said it right there — freak snowmobile accident. These things happen. Plus then she gets the sympathy vote for those who feel sorry about the horribly tragic loss of her manchild.

      2. Lascauxcaveman

        How they will get rid of Mr. Snowmobile without alienating the Bible Thumpers is a chapter yet to be written.

        Probably snowmachine down a crevasse. Just have to get Esquimo Todd all psyched up about the next expedition to the North Pole. Some rich Climate Change deniers will fund it, and tell him the ice shelf is rock solid and mirror smooth all the way to the pole. First solo expedition evar. You'll be famous! Full throttle! Go for it, boy!

      3. Lost_Teabaggers

        Fucking hell you still think Bible thumpers care if THEIR candidates actually obey their stupid "morality"? Obviously you're forgetting the very man who created the flaming glob of poop called "Famuly Valuhs" to toss at Democrats himself has been divorced more times and cheated on his wives more times while actively fucking them over with settlements than the entire country combined. They don't give a flying fuck about the morality of their own chosen candidates, it's how authoritarian they are that matters; the more the better. Since Snowbilly's short career has been marked by heavy doses of authoritarian abuse of office for personal vendettas she's a perfect heir apparent to Bush; (and don't even THINK the entire Republican Party isn't made up of "Bush Republicans", the whole "Reaganism" claim only holds up if you don't actually research Reagan's presidency) no one else even comes close in that regard.

        1. ttommyunger

          You forget their unyielding bent towards hypocrisy. They demand morale behavior IN OTHERS, just not themselves. Diaper Dave's re-election would seem to fly in the face of my opinion, but keep in mind where his election took place; those people are really seriously retarded. In any event, you may well be right and I am probably wrong: I usually am, just ask my wife.

          1. zhubajie

            In what way is Parry more entertaining than Diaper Dave? Does he havea couple dozen hookers available for interview, etc.?

      4. LionelHutzEsq

        I'm assuming that the first dude will succumb to what all conservative men succumb to: gay sex with boys or religious leaders.

        1. ttommyunger

          Hmmmm. Interesting. This would give the Snowbilly Queen undeniable grounds for divorce and render moot any unflattering future pronouncements by the former First Dude. But how to entice him? I've got it! Dress the boy in a sled dog outfit and dip him in whale blubber? Todd will be off that snowmobile and on that kid like white on rice. Genius!

    2. Toomush_Infer

      Yeahbut…the GOB actually will pass any dumb thing the Teabaggers can think up – in the House – and then the Senate will go No, or Nay or Uhuh or whatever they do, and then it's OBAMABASHING TIME…'cause if he had only made it happen, you know – JOBZ!!!!!….might as well go back to being depressed…

    3. Lascauxcaveman

      or the other 80% of the country will realize that just because the economy is bad, putting idiots that have no idea what they are saying or doing in power just doesn't work.

      Cue Supertramp ("Dreamer.")

    4. Lost_Teabaggers

      Ourselves and Tina Fey are REALLY looking forward to it. Okay, why think so small? The entire comedy industry is looking forward to over a year of Snowbilly giving them gems to make fun of. I don't this GOP congress will last for very long but I also think you're giving them far too much credit for being independent of each other that they'll actually publicly go after each other. It will be funny to see how Rand Paul is handled what with his bad toupe and own self created senate and horrible habit of actually being honest and therefore making a full exhibition of the crazy and racism that lurks under every other Republicans 50th lard layer. It's going to be awesome watching that weak chinned woman Mitch the Bitch try to bring Rand to heel when he tries to get rid of social security and medicare and the D of E along with the 14th Amendment and the Civil Rights Act; it'll be absolutely hilarious.

  7. HistoriCat

    The West Wing Week link in Sara's post. You have to get about 3 minutes in.

    Kori does look like a tasty morsel but she might be a little emo. I need more video evidence to decide.

    1. slappypaddy

      succulent lips and downcast eyes. looks like she'd cut a bastard in a second if he crossed her.

  8. Mumbletypeg

    Sara, you had me at throbbing girl boner

    Well, she had me at the Alan Moore reference, even though the movie version did suck. Thank you Sarah, for helping remember, remember the 5th of November.

  9. bitchincamaro2

    I've trashed my Keith Olbermann poster and dusted off my Keith Richards doll for the weekend. In keeping with my moratorium boycott of cable news, I'll be curling up with Keith. And his book.

  10. Come here a minute

    I can't believe the Jizz and Giggles calls didn't keep the House in Democratic hands — there's no better way to GOTV than morning drive-time.

  11. WarAndGee

    "Then Barack talked about letting small business owners deduct 100% of the cost of equipment and upgrades from their taxes through the end of 2011."

    Fuck dude, can you fail anymore at socialism. Jesus, you were out there on the campaign trail saying like "I'll be the most socialicious president ever, I'm going make government so big America is going to have an erection all day," or something like that.

    And then what Nobama? You let us down, The TARP money is almost all paid back, You fucking gave tax breaks to the middle class, and cripes all that stimulus money is ending up in the private sector to build roads and shit.

    For being so up in our faces about being all socialismy Mr. President I think you suck at it! 97% of the economy is still in private ownership.

    Damn, you even let the CIA and shit stop those printer bombs your buddies tried to send us. So I guess you suck at the Islams too.

    You are an utter failure at living up to my expectations. W.P.E. (Worst President Ever.)

    1. zhubajie

      Abolish all those local zoning laws that prevent farmers' markets and flea markets and people from selling moonshine from the trunks of their cars! Safeway and Krogers and Walmart would shit, but it wouldn't be socialist!

  12. Lost_Teabaggers

    You know if I were Obama and if I were I'd be successful and president and have a wife with a voluptuous booty and Sara Benincasa masturbating to my every move while lurking in the bushes outside of the West Wing so I'd be awesome…but anyway, what was I talking about now? Oh yes, if I were Obama I'd have taken the opportunity during my press conference to stare at the camera and say "to those who supported me in 2008 and stayed home because I didn't do EVERYTHING that you demanded you selfish, self centered and unrealistic asswipes, fuck you, you brought this upon me and everyone else; oh and by the way enjoy getting your civil rights and public option now that the obese wingnut scooter driving poop tossers hold all the policy strings, so one more time fuck you!" then I'd go back to being despondent.

    1. zhubajie

      In all honesty, he kept all of the autocratic powers Bush usurped and added assassinating people on his personal "terrorist" list. He's not better than Bush, just more slick.

      If he'd started arresting or assassinating the Limpbowels, the Fox (inthehenhouse) news team, etc., at least the Reptilians would respect him.

  13. DahBoner

    You forgot to mention that after the GIANT FUCKING TIDAL WAVE OF DEEEEEEEESTRUCTIONS AT THE POLLS, that on Wednesday morning, the Earth is still here and we are (mostly) still alive and life goes on.

    The Boners haz not prevailed!

  14. lochnessmonster

    Sara, I passed along the term “Adorable Child Terrorism.” to @SteveDahlShow because Steve hates Halloween. It fits just right with his dislike of the 'Holiday".

  15. BarackMyWorld

    “Are you on the line to tell us to vote, Mr. President?” asked the douchebag morning DJs, immediately before hitting various fart noise effects on their sound boards. “No, I want to be the 100th caller and win tickets to see Train at the County Amphitheater!” yelled Barack.

    Brilliant.

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