oh captain! my captain!

Unrelenting Nancy Pelosi To Lead House Democrats Forever

Keep your job or take these magic beans. Your pick.Oh, did the Democratic Party lose some sort of little voting game on Tuesday? Nancy Pelosi didn’t notice, because she was too busy being more powerful than ever. Sure, some people would expect her to step aside after losing the House Speaker job to an orange alien humanoid. But that’s not her style. Her style is, “This election loss just means that half of those annoying Blue Dogs are gone now, so I’ll be an even better leader now.” And according to ABC News, most House Democrats are going to go along with this because she raises a lot of money for them, and because what exactly is their other option? Steny Hoyer? That guy looks like the crusty old bachelor who idles for hours at your local gas station every night for no apparent reason, except now the man is wearing a suit for the first time in seven years. NO.

A more serious threat to Pelosi would come from Rep. Steny Hoyer (D-MD), currently the number two Democrat in the House. But Hoyer has previously assured Pelosi – publicly and privately – that he will not run against her. Pelosi and Hoyer had a one-on-one meeting late yesterday that lasted more than 90 minutes. Neither of them will say what was discussed.

Probably fantasy football. Talking through some fantasy-football trades. It can be tough to come together on those. (Michael Turner for Reggie Wayne and Dwayne Bowe, if you were wondering.)

“I’ve gotten a positive response, but I haven’t gone to a place where I’ve made a decision about that,” she said. “Only today have I even looked at messages or anything that relate to me from … members, friends, progressives … And of course the ones you will hear from are the ones who want you to run. … But I’ll be very honest with you, it hasn’t been something I’ve — maybe tonight when I get home and after everybody goes to sleep and start reading the memos and calling people if it’s not too late — or at least I can call the West Coast, then I’ll have more of an appraisal of it. But that’s a subject for what comes next.”

Oh, never mind, we see what’s going on. She’s going to switch parties and stay on as House Speaker. PUT THOSE “FIRE PELOSI” SIGNS AWAY, TEABAGGERS. [ABC]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. metamarcisf

    The best thing about Christine O'Donnell's senate run was the fact that she single-handedly neutalized the anti-Pelosi witch ad campaign that was schedule for heavy rotation through Halloween. Some GOP consultant lost big due to this turn-of-events.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        You mean RUIN his pee score? He wears the red badge of courage, my friend. This is still a warblog.

        1. capitolhillblly

          I think the comments have become more irate than ironic, and a guy or gal can get punished for an obscure stab at humor.

          1. Sgt_Biyatch

            We are all such slaves to reward systems. P-scores are worthless, yet we all want more. It reminds me of the temporary insanity at Mardi Gras, when people scramble for beads as if they were worth anything, and women show off all manner of body parts. It's pure genius yet absolutely absurd.

          2. JoshuaNorton

            I agree. Since the scoring system has been set in place, the comments have lost a lot of their ironic sting – which was what made Wonkette wildly popular in the first place.

            Just saying…..

          3. Sgt_Biyatch

            Easy for you to say, Mr. 107p. Anyone over 90p is just an Ivy League elitist who thinks they know what's best for Wonkette. It's time to bring some commonsense solutions to political humor blogs. Low p Wonketteers, don't retreat…RELOAD!

          4. Lost_Teabaggers

            Apparently Andrew Breitbart, if you got that notch under your belt your war activities on the wingnut side of life wouldn't bare such a heavy cost upon you. So your choices are, dip your wick in a foul, foul sewer or be a libtard matyr in the neverending war to civilize those slobbering ape-things.

        2. Not_So_Much

          I do the Sophie's Choice thing and, tearfully, give him/her a thumbs down each time. Ah cain't quit ewe!!

          1. Lascauxcaveman

            I used to do that, but experience with repeatedly down-thumbing our unfunny little troll playmates here has indicated to me that once you've thumbed somebody down once, your thumb loses it's effectiveness. That is to say, their pees seemed to remain unaffected.

  2. the_onceler

    She needs to stick around. Nancy Pelosi can fire up the base. Is Howard Dean available? I seem to remember that guy really screwed up the Democrats in 2006 and 2008 by helping win a lot of races.

    1. HistoriCat

      50 state strategy? You mean we should actually try to get candidates all over the place? No, we should only concentrate on the swing states of the moment. I'm sure that if these other states start to have idealogical shifts then the candidates and election teams will spontaneously appear.

      1. the_onceler

        Yeah, the 50-state strategy was horrible and only led to electing Democrats. It was such a great decision by Rahm Emmanuel to ice him out of any jobs after the 2008 elections.

        1. slowhansolo

          Rahm might have been the biggest mistake Barry ever made. I can't help but wonder if the presence of such a huge asshole in such a hugely important position reinforced Barry's bipartisan instincts.

          And then, when HE was done, Rahm ran like a goddamned rat just before the shit hit the fan. Some tough guy.

      2. Chet Kincaid

        Speaking of Rahm Emanuel, former Illinois Senator Carol Mosely Braun, who is running for Mayor of Chicago, "went there" on Rahm:

        I was not too impressed with Braun as a Senator, but at least she intends to stir things up here in the mayoral race. And what the hell, what if TWO black women ran Chicago, Toni Preckwinkle from Barry's old neighborhood, who just took over the County Board, and Braun? Although I think it is really time for a Mexican or Puerto Rican to be Mayor.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          "Toni Preckwinkle?" Now there's a name with 4-star awesomeness. Be almost worth living in Chicago just to be able to vote for that name.

        2. HistoriCat

          It may not be completely fair but I'm loving her Rahm smackdown. Maybe he can figure out that he should work on keeping allies instead of calling them "fucking stupid." OK, probably not.

          Also, Mexican or Puerto Rican? What about the Lizard People? Won't someone stand up for the Lizard People?

  3. Limeylizzie

    All I know is that she has the best jewellry and fabulous clothes, so she always looks great, Boner…not so much.

    1. HedonismBot

      She does hale from San Francisco. She should get teh ghey married just to further piss off the Teapublicans.

        1. Negropolis

          Again, they are from San Francisco…of course he would like it.

          Pelosi ain't in Bawlmore, nomore.

    2. ttommyunger

      Can you believe that Kucinich? How did he do that? What is going on there? What is their "safe" word? I'll bet it's Bachmann; that would make anybody's dick go soft.

    3. Serolf_Divad

      Could you imagine if Kucinich were president… and went over to France to meet Sarkozi… what do you think those guys would talk about? Or would they be too busy having a big foursome-wife-swapping-orgy at the Palace Royale (or whatever) to really talk about anything.

  4. Texan_Bulldog

    "Pelosi and Hoyer had a one-on-one meeting late yesterday that lasted more than 90 minutes."

    Did anyone else's mind go straight to sex on the desk when you read this? No? Hmm…I must be hanging out on Wonkette too much.

    1. Not_So_Much

      I'm not convinced his aging pooper could take 90 minutes of her hate-fucking with some of San Francisco's finest strap-on hardware.

      But The Nancy, she's got some balls o' steel. Maybe he needed to be reminded of his place.

    2. ttommyunger

      Andrew Sullivan would scoff at a mere 90 minutes of….Oh, wait, did you say "straight sex"? Never mind.

  5. CapeClod

    She is directly responsible for all those Blue Dogs who voted against everything the teabaggers hated losing their jobs. Enough of her. Barney Frank for minority leader.

    1. SorosBot

      Not just Frank; to really enrage the wingnuts, dump Hoyer and whoever's below him and replace them with Frank and Keith Ellison (the Muslim congressman).

      1. BerkeleyBear

        Andre Carson for whip. Because nothing would make the Teahadists lose their mind quicker than the image of a young black Muslim from the heartland associated with the word whip (and not getting whipped).

    2. Redhead

      Would he remove all the tables, or would he lie down on the floor to get on the tables' level?

      (PS – I just got out my AP stylebook to double-check lay versus lie. Does that make me elitist or just a nerd?)

    3. Lost_Teabaggers

      Um which Congress were you paying attention to? It seems like Nancy cracked her whip and got those dumb conservadems in line, it was the filiblustering GOP and Happy Harry and the spineless Dems in the senate who epic failed. Nancy passed over 400 bills as speaker in two years; I'd hardly say she did a poor job. In fact out of both chambers and the White House the House Dems did an awesome job passing their agenda. Nancy shouldn't step down because of this and I strongly disagreed with her "off the table" impeachment proclamation but otherwise she did DAMN well as speaker.

  6. Failed_2_Menace

    Her obnoxious self-congratulation in 2008 has earned her a place as the patron saint of patting oneself on the back for things that will never be accomplished.

    Our Lady of the Timidly Undone.

    1. Negropolis

      Yeah, Pelosi totally sat on her ass the last two years.

      I just rolled my eyes so hard that my optic nerve disconnected from them.

      1. Failed_2_Menace

        That's not what I said at all. Pelosi framed expectations for her run as Speaker not as a new optimism for cooperation, but within the curious framework of "Democrats are ready to lead."

        Unfortunately, they were not, and instead allowed Republicans to shut their asses down, compromise their principles and control the message, leading to Tuesday's results. Pelosi declared that the hallmarks of the Dem majority would be "civility, honesty and fiscal responsibility." How many of those were accomplished to the satisfaction of voters?

        I like her fine and recognize that she is a tough old broad, but if she delivered on the new era she outlined, that was one awful short trip to Camelot.

        And that's all I'm saying – she basked in the glory before doing a job that would never in fact be done. The bookends to the story are her declaration of a historic new chapter on one end, and her out on her well-dressed ass on the other. Her efforts in the middle to deliver were considerable, but the fact is that all of those efforts were delivered without a clear message of the benefits to the country, and, like it or not, that's part of the job.

    1. widestanceroman

      Same here. That said, is it just my ocular decrepitude or is the Pelosi animation getting blurrier?

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      "She's better at her job that Reid is at his."

      True, but looking back, she also had better material to work with; maybe a relatively lower percentage of bluedogs in her house, and no filibuster axe hanging over every line of every law.

      I mean, how can you not a little bit sorry for old Harry, trying to put a bill over the top of the filibuster threshold by having to persuade the likes of Ben Nelson, Blanche Lincoln, Lieberman, and those two Republican cock-teases from Maine?

      Not a job I envy.

      1. ejcsanfran

        Oh please. Reid had a super-majority and didn't do shit with it. Filibuster? He should've made the Republicans do it old school, with cots and hours-long speeches – none of this, "Oh, we're filibustering," "Oh, OK, guess we can't do anything… Next bill." He could've told those DINOs to shove it and still passed legislation. The Republicans didn't seem to have any problem doing it when they had a slim majority during Bush II.

  7. V572625694

    The Maryland/ex-Free-Stater hegemony would continue under Hoyer, who's just like Baltimorean Pelosi except he's a total PG County hack through and through, whereas Pelosi got the job done on health care and other stuff, so yeah get rid of her because the Repubes don't like her, that totally makes sense, maybe replace her with some Blue Dog asshole who'll really cave: success assured!

        1. Negropolis

          You just won the day with that one. You had me laughing so hard I almost couldn't breath. What is the abbreviation for that?

    1. FearofaBlackReagan

      One time my wife was watching that Redneck Wedding show with Tom Arnold as the host and there was this couple was the hickest and most ignorant two I'd ever seen on it. I said 'Jeeziz Christ where are these two from?'

      It was Steny Hoyer's district.

  8. JoshuaNorton

    It's the Nancy Pelosi Pit of Flaming Death!!

    By the end of the day Greater Wingnuttia will be making up stories that have her ending every sentence with "…or I will kill you," or just "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

  9. OneDollarJuana

    While that always sounds like a good idea, if you look at a geologic map of California, you'll see that the San Andreas Fault, while passing to the East of the most liberal parts of LA, goes out to sea at Daly City, or West of San Francisco. Thus, splitting California off along the San Andreas Fault will still leave the most objectionable part of the state still in the U.S. It would be better to chop it off at the Hayward Fault, sending San Francisco and that awful city Oakland (they had Jerry Brown as mayor!), out to sea.

    1. Oblios_Cap

      I was referring to the comment above that part which referred to despicable people that was apparently written by Sylvester the Cat.

    2. the_onceler

      hope you're being snarky about saying Oakland is an awful city. them's fighting words and if there's one thing Oaklandites can do it's fight.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        They'll cut a bitch, amirite?

        As long as Prop 13 ceased fucking up the economy in the new islands, and SF could find a water supply, I'd be all for this. Long live the People's Republic of Bezerkeley.

  10. freakishlywrong

    Well good. At least the trench is already dug and well worn between the chamber and the closest teevee camera, so she can run out and be against something before it's even done being proposed. Like Boner did.

  11. V572625694

    Yes please wingnuts boycott California, stay out of our hotels and off our freeways and beaches and don't go to Yosemite, and persuade your like-minded rural California relatives and friends to GTFO too.

    1. SecretMuslin

      I would be thrilled if the fucking "Zonies would stay out of San Diego every summer. It's the annual blight of the pasty olds.

    2. Lost_Teabaggers

      Yeah and while they're at it stay the fuck out of Oregon and take Eastern Oregon with them. We'd love a peoples republic of Berkley hereabouts and we could probably persuade Eugene and Seattle to go along with us. All hail Berkley, San Francisco, Portland, Eugene and Seattle! We could be the people's republic of Libtardia and our national flag could have a Prius on it or as a shot to Palin take Cal's coolassed Golden Bear with a yellow star above his head? Or should we go the Stanford route and use a tree? We could annex part of coastal Southern California and the US can keep LA and Beverly Hills….help me out here, people, it's cathartic like Ectopia sans the old school racism…

  12. JoshuaNorton

    Besides, Pelosi did a good job of keeping on message and getting things done. It's Harry Reid who kept screwing the pooch.

  13. SorosBot

    Considering that your average teabagger spends 9/10 of their waking hours gorging on Cheetos on the couch while staring at the TV, and the vast majority of the programming is filmed in California, they would find that very hard to do.

  14. WarAndGee

    Not orange enough, I mean can a "minority leader" be white?

    (See how I did that? You know because that's my play on the word "minority"…yah know how "minorities" are now "people of color" but not "colored people"… but there is this crying orange guy whose… oh fuck, just shoot me. )

  15. DoktorZoom

    So far, they've convinced me that Obama wants all our guns, that he's building a sinister private army, that FEMA is preparing detention camps for Patriots, that Democrats want to kill grandma, and that the Nazis were communists who for some reason went to war with the Soviet Union.

    Otherwise, I'm pretty much unpersuaded.

  16. Lucidamente1

    Look on the bright side: the next time Joe Wilson shouts "you lie," she won't have to stare him down from the Speaker's chair. She can just walk over and kick the shit out of him.

    1. Not_So_Much

      It would require effort on my part to confirm (so that's a big 'no'), but I thought I read that Joe Wilson lost? But, perhaps I LIE!!

      1. Lucidamente1

        Alas, the good voters of the South Carolina 2nd District returned Representative Wilson to Congress with a 53.5% majority. If anything, THEY LIE!!

        1. horsedreamer_1

          Only 53-&-an-half, in a year of Democratic losses of Biblical proportions, in the Righteous State of South Cack?

          I think Wilson might need to do some grovelling to hold his seat, again, after 2012.

          Also: this means South Carolina is closer to human than Lousiana, where the more objectionable Vitter took, what, 67%? Egad!

  17. the_onceler

    Sounds like a great idea. There's nothing in California, unlike important places like Alabama and Oklahoma.

  18. CapeClod

    OT, but I've heard the "Guy Cuts His Own Arm Off" movie is so graphic that people have been passing out at the previews.

  19. SudsMcKenzie

    " maybe tonight when I get home and after everybody goes to sleep and start reading the memos" …. sounds like Layne.

  20. NorbertsRevenge

    While we appreciate her competence and her not caving as much as others these last 2 years, and agree she is better than Reid or Kaine, here's a WILD IDEA: get people in leadership positions who are clear and forceful communicators, especially on TV, of a Democratic agenda. People who have some dim awareness that what they say on almost every occasion is going to be excerpted and reproduced in newspapers and on the internet, and that this has a bearing on how their party and its policies are perceived by the public, which in turn effects their electoral success. Fucking fuck.

    Cf. “I’ve gotten a positive response, but I haven’t gone to a place where I’ve made a decision about that,” she said. “Only today have I even looked at messages or anything that relate to me from … members, friends, progressives … And of course the ones you will hear from are the ones who want you to run. … But I’ll be very honest with you, it hasn’t been something I’ve — maybe tonight when I get home and after everybody goes to sleep and start reading the memos and calling people if it’s not too late — or at least I can call the West Coast, then I’ll have more of an appraisal of it. But that’s a subject for what comes next.”

    1. Ducksworthy

      Also short sentences and words of one syllable suitable for communicating with our fellow 'Murikans. Like W. did.

    2. ShaveTheWhales

      You make a reasonable point, but the principal job of the Speaker of the House is to get legislation passed, not to advertise it. Particularly when the President is of the same party as the Speaker, it is the President's job to do the advertising — "bully pulpit" and all that.

      Now, the situation is a little different for Minority Leader, but not that much when the President is of the same party.

      Besides, who would you suggest as an alternative?

      1. SophistFCD

        The ghost of Karolus Magnus is kind of hanging around too, but he looks a little confused. I don't think he knows what he's doing here either

  21. BerkeleyBear

    Never lost a vote on the floor. Whether she ever gets the gavel again (and I think 2012 is going to be a good year to be a Dem) she leaves a hell of a lot better legacy than the last several Speakers.

  22. Serolf_Divad

    Nancy Pelosi definitely needs to be dumped, for the onerous crime of failing to get the Bluedogs in the Senate to not-filibuster legislation she'd lined up the Democratic House members to pass… wait, what?

  23. imissopus

    Read on ABC that Diane Sawyer interviewed Boner (I believe it's airing tonight) and he told her that "partisanship in the House got a lot worse under Pelosi."


  24. Buzz Feedback

    Pelosi's the only one who did her job. If the House Dem Caucus is going to take it cues from Heath Shuler, just shut the whole fukking operation down.

  25. ttommyunger

    At least Nancy doesn't put you to sleep the minute she starts talking like Harry Reid does. Now, if Harry had a nice set of jugs, things might be different, but he doesn't, so he's got that going against him.

  26. aaarrrgh

    hey, she looks good for an 82 year old woman. that's reason enough to keep her. hell, i'd do her in the dark.

  27. mrblifil

    Republicans need Nancy Pelosi more than Dems do. If they didn't have her as their stand-in/talisman for everything evil, they'd be reduced to just screaming "FUCKING BITCHES" all the live long day.

  28. WhatTheHeck

    Hold on Wonkeets. Nancy banged some idiot Democrat heads together and got things done. How many Democrat men could do that? Sure, she's unpopular with the current crowd, but let her have her due and her place in the history books.

  29. aaarrrgh

    only those of us who are not too stupid to realize that republicans are fucking up the entire country.

  30. Gopherit

    Nancy lead the leadership of the sternly worded letter in the House, like Reid did in the Senate. The two of them should step down and let someone….better….take their leadership positions.

  31. HOFAH

    Fuck Health Shuler.

    When the coach of the team benches you in favor of fucking Gus Frerotte you suck as a quarterback.

    This idiot thought that introducing a bill to require airlines to have sections of the aircraft where large movie screens would not be visible in order to not expose people to teh sex and violence of in-flight movies was more important than voting for the stimulus.

    Stay Nancy and stick one of those lovely shoes you have right up his ass.

  32. Weenus299

    The article in the WaPost deftly deferred to Hall of Fame quarterback Heath Shuler, who openly talked about his miserable failure as a Redskins QB. "I sucked fuckin' ass when I played, and they fired my sorry behind. So let's take Nancy out and beat the shit out of her at Ben's Chili Bowl." or something to that effect.

  33. Weenus299

    Nancy is my She-ro, BTW. She should stay and she should keep a record of any nasty tawdry thing ever said about her. I guess that means I worship the devil. Well, hail friggin' satan.

  34. Dana Marschz

    Yes, please, do boycott California. And stop using the Google and Apple products and anything with an Intel core. And no more Farmville for you either!

    1. SorosBot

      Many of them already boycott google, because it sometimes comes back with top links that give actual factual information instead of right-wing propaganda, which means it has a liberal bias.

  35. GeorgiaBurning

    Don't stop with a boycott, kick us out of the yew-nited states altogether! President Brown could balance the budget easily with all the tax money we won't be sending to support red states.

  36. elpinche

    Let me get this straight…Harry Ried is still there and Nancy is still queen of the demrats. How much did this fucking teabag GOP "Tsunami" cost again ? HAHAHAHA

  37. MistaEko

    How about the DNC run a "this guy touches children" campaign on anyone who runs against her?

    Pelosi passed everything democrats think of in their wet dreams and dumped it on the senate with a note "For Reid, when you get your shit together," did it without a strategy passed down from the White House, didn't give a fuck when she became hate poster child on the right that took her national approval rating into the single digits, and is the only Democrat right now not walking around with her tail between her legs, instead explaining that she did what she could and doesn't care that she's currently out of power.

    Regardless of philosophy – politically one must recognize that as something to be desired. The closest thing democrats have found to someone that can manage government like a republican – a Tom Delay with tits. Can her and they deserve another 8 years of wilderness while their base keeps trying to fortress metropolitan areas.

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      Well put. Evidently being a transplanted Maryland politician makes one more of a Chicago politician than being from Chicago.

  38. transfatz

    Fear Nancy and the Democratic undead!
    When zombie minority leader Pelosi finally sucks Boner's brain out all she will get is an airy slurping sound.

  39. Blendergoathead

    Personally, I welcome back our rictus grin-wearing grandma overlord.

    I only wish she had enough power to grant Grayson "guest minority leader" status, so he could sit in with her at the next SOTU gig. Or she could just hire him as an aide. A big, hulking, angry, progressive aide.

  40. Plowmon

    I'm regularly force fed salted rat dicks around here for hating this bitch incessantly but vindication sure is sweet! Also.

  41. NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    AIPAC's Nancy Pelosi
    has been so good at protecting the criminals
    they want to keep her.

  42. BruceMajor

    Well, she is a fembot made of botox, plastic and silicone. But she looks a little rusty. It will be fun to visit the scrap heap in a few years and pee on her innards.

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