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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  • obfuscator2

    i haven't seen such a leaky boehner since i contracted the clap in college.

    • Extemporanus

      Did your frat bros elect you "Weeper of the House", too?

      • obfuscator2

        brett favre is glad that awrinkled old boehner besides his is in the news.

  • ttommyunger

    John is soooo cute! That knowing smile, those watery eyes, that leathery complexion, that clever forward comb-over, that soured cottage cheese skin. Just makes you want to pick him up and hug him, real close, real tight……until he stops trying to breathe.

    • x111e7thst

      Stop it, you are getting me all excited..

      • widestanceroman

        Was it briefly enrapturing for you, too?

      • ttommyunger

        Millions of Americans chubb up at the prospect, I'm sure.

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      I love a happy ending.

  • petehammer

    Dear Lord, how dare you remind me of that abomination! I have tried to scrub it from my mind! Over-the-top, unfunny, mugging, scary to children, terrible imagery, lowest-common-denominator and supposedly he's a horrible person to work with.

    As to the Cat in the Hat, I haven't seen it.

    (Easy joke, I know)

  • freakishlywrong

    Jesus! He looks like a child molesting sociopath. Oh, wait.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Asshat, Cat in the Hat… potato, potahto.

    • Sue4466

      Cat in the Asshat?

  • OkieDokieDog

    I've already starting praying to Jebus for a sex scandal.

    • SmutBoffin

      I would also pray to Jeebus to spare us the details of said scandal.

    • LetUsBray

      Look for rent boys with Cheeto-stained lips, I guess.

  • Kidneys4Sale

    For the moment, he's just pleased to see you struggle against the leather straps. This relative paradise will not last.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I'd love to paraphrase some Seuss in here, but 45 years is just too long ago to remember.

    • kenlayisalive

      I believe it was his classic "Orange Boners and Ham Biscuits" that comes to mind.

    • natoslug

      I do not like him, Sam I am. I do not like him on a boat. I do not like him, dead in a moat. I do not like him in the senate. I do not like him, I really mean it. (work with me here, I've got nothing but assonance)

      update: Okay, should have been House, rhymes with assful of mouse. Gah!

      • elviouslyqueer

        My mother always said: Better an assonance than a faulty dictum.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          Bedtime story time must have been a little peculiar in your household.

        • OhNoGuy

          "a faulty dictum", ummm maybe that's the problem described in "Till the Eagle Screams".

  • Not_So_Much

    And tears. Mostly tears as he weeps deep, burnt umber tears of empathy for 'Murka.

  • Katydid

    I think Boner is more like that other Seuss favorite:

    The Grinch hated Health Care! The whole Health Care Bill!
    Now, please don't ask why. Everyone knows he is ill.
    It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
    It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
    But I think that the most likely reason of all
    May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

    • CapeClod

      Actually, I think he's compensating for another undersized part of his anatomy.

  • Oblios_Cap

    I smile like that after a three day bender, too. The light tends to hurt my eyes.

    I heard Boner really wanted to be the Majority Whip until he found up they don't really get to whip people.

  • nounverb911

    This one seems more appropriate.

  • SexySmurf

    They should put this picture next to "shit-eating grin" in the dictionary.

  • RedneckMuslin

    I'm still waiting for him to explain the sexually-asphyxiated body they found under his house. You all did hear about that, didn't you?

    • http://wonkette.com WordSaladNation

      Did they carbon date the body? Has it been there since 1990? MAYBE GLENN BECK HAD AN ACCOMPLICE?!?!?

  • SwattieSwat

    Under all of that melanoma, you can still see the hate. And that's what I voted for, that twinkle of hate under the warm veneer of Stage Sunny-D skin cancer.

  • Oblios_Cap

    He should have been named Julius.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Let's not talk up his likeable qualities yet — we're working up to a good frothy loathing.

  • SayItWithWookies

    How John Boehner Will Rule the House

    Probably with an orange fist.

  • CapeClod

    If there is ever a more likely picture of a level three sex offender, its the one on the left.

  • DingusMcHatred

    Some are sad. And some are glad. And some are very, very bad. Why are they sad and glad and bad? I do not know. Go ask that orange shithead over there.

  • My_pal_HAL

    Coming soon, his autobiography: Orange Like Me.

  • ReturnToMetal

    One is a stupid actor who makes himself up to look like something he's not.

    The other is Mike Myers as The Cat in the Hat.

  • Beowoof

    And I thought from the head line I would see a picture of two different bottles of Summer's Eve.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Needz moar Botox. LOTS moar.

  • snoopyfan2010

    Faux news is now reporting that the market is doing well and banks are lending money again. So soon???

  • Negropolis

    He's…he's…smizing! Thank you, Tyra Banks.

  • Negropolis

    I'm just glad we weren't subjected to a close-up of Mitch McConnell. Dude looks like a reconstructed burn victim with all types of Bells Palsy ravaging his visage.

    How he ever ended up with Elaine Chao, I do not know.

    • Kidneys4Sale

      Well, dude takes a hard line against stem cells and whatnot, so as a Rethug it stands to reason he had her cloned.

      • Negropolis

        Probably, though, it does beg the questions of why he also didn't use them to repair his Sith Lord mask. His face muscles and skin look like they've detatched from his skull.

  • nachoproblem

    Well! I personally find "The Cunt in the Hat" to be a HIGHLY OFFENSIVE title for… Uh, what? You mean it's not called the… ? Oh well, whatever.

  • Kidneys4Sale

    And will the Conservos all claim that that haircut is perfect for running and that there are no pantyhose here, still, also?

  • carlgt1

    one fish
    two fish
    red fish
    orange fish?

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    It's high time we celebrated bilious Caucasianness again. This is a conversation that America needs to have.

  • ktr

    Wow. Every single one of the above comments are either hateful or stupidly immature. Pathetic. I would love to post a picture of every one of you and see what people write about your appearance.

    • AlexisHidell

      ktr = Karl "Troll" Rove?

    • Trinket

      Stop trying to elevate our discourse, grumpy.

      • ktr

        Ha Ha! Yes, you are right, I am grumpy. But people always complain that our politicians are idiots, yet who in their right mind would want to run for office when they are subjected to this kind of crap?

        • Trinket

          You get a point for being good-natured. :) But you lose a point for being a right-wing tool. Who expects to run for office and not get subjected to this crap?

          • ktr

            Enjoy the swamp! I love the word tool… perfect for some people.

    • SFH15963

      It's a post comparing how John Boehner looks slightly like the Cat in the Hat. Did you expect commentary akin to the writings of Thomas Paine or the letter from St. Paul to the Romans?

      Lighten up, Francis.

  • Trinket

    I've always thought John Boehner looks like the love child of Thurston Howell III and Huckleberry Hound.

  • SFH15963

    THIS car looks like Boehner:

    (it's ORANGE too!)