Everyone In GOP Mad At Jim DeMint For Losing Senate

  needs more ham biscuits

'What are you talking about? These boys will run well in coastal states.'The Republican Party has taken a step back from their sweeping victory in America’s ultimate, #1, super repudiation of big government to wonder why, in fact, they didn’t take control of BOTH halves of our two-headed legislative branch; the answer to this conundrum can only be that Jim DeMint is a stupid face. Jim DeMint, you see, gave out all his money (you cannot beat a Daoist by spending money) to Teabagger candidates who went on to win primaries, and then a whole bunch of these people lost in the general election despite being loveably insane. If the party hadn’t nominated complete crazies in Nevada, Delaware, and Colorado, the thinking goes, they could at least have split the Senate. Of course, the natural response to this argument is that Republican candidates were not crazy enough.

“Candidates matter,” said Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.). “It was a good night for Republicans but it could have been a better one. We left some on the table.”

It’s like going to church and leaving half a pile of ham biscuits still just sittin’ out there. Sure, you got some ham biscuits in you. But you’re just going to sit through church thinking about ham biscuits the whole time, and how they’re not going to be as good if they’re cold. Just thinking about those ham biscuits over and over. And cock.

Comfort us, dad.

Rush Limbaugh, taking issue with a statement Karl Rove made Tuesday night about the “lesson” learned in nominating O’Donnell, argued that both Angle and O’Donnell lost because they were abandoned by party elites.

“Christine O’Donnell could have won were it not for all the backbiting after her primary victory,” Limbaugh said on his radio show Wednesday. “Had the party gotten behind her, had [RNC Chairman Michael] Steele had some on-the-ground money for Nevada, who knows how that might have turned out. We didn’t have any money on the ground in Nevada.”

That doesn’t make any sense, because Sharron Angle had lots of money to run ads and build an organization once people realized she didn’t have any; and also, obviously, c’mon, Christine O’Donnell? But it sounds nice! It sounds nice that the Republican Party lost because it didn’t believe in their craziest ideologues enough.

But according to George Will, Americans HATE any sort of government in their lives at all, so Republicans won approximately every election on Tuesday. So this quibbling doesn’t make any sense. You guys do control everything now, right? George Will said America decided. [The Grand Old Red White and Blue]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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