John Kerry Tells Media Harry Reid ‘Isn’t Just Dracula’

  senior senators

“Harry Reid isn’t just Dracula, he isn’t just Lazarus, he’s our leader and our whole caucus is thrilled that he’s unbreakable and unbeatable,” he said.

Oh thanks, John Kerry — we were worried Harry Reid had pigeonholed himself into the two demographics of vampires and Bible characters. But is Harry Reid just a triceratops? [BBC]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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33 comments

  1. dr_giraud

    I don't know who is who, but I know that by mixing Gothic horror and Bible metaphors John Kerry reminds us all how he talked his way into losing the White House.

    I know another thing: Chuck Schumer is fuckin' pissed right now.

  2. SmutBoffin

    HAIRY REED IS A BLOODTHIRSTY CHUPACABRA AND SHARRON ANGEL IS A MEXICAN CAMPESINO'S PRIZE CHICKEN

  3. natoslug

    waht about twilight? What twilight charagagdster is harry, treeman? ohgod i need to know! Oh, you sexy giant ent!

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      And for some reason every time I see Lindsey Graham and Joe Lieberman together I think Tweedledum and Tweedledumber.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      And you know why you never see John Kerry and Dennis Kuchinich together? Because if they ever stood next to each other, everybody'd be saying "Heh, get a load Treebeard and Frodo over there.

      And they know it.

      1. transfatz

        But if Jackie Kuchinich were there we would have a queen, not dark but beautiful and terrible as the dawn…

  4. Lazy Media

    That's the edited version. What Kerry actually said was, "Harry Reid, the senator from Utah and my esteemed colleague, isn't just Dracula, the famous fictional vampire created by Bram Stoker and famously played by Bela Lugosi in the 1932 Universal Pictures release "Dracula," which was a very loose interpretation of Stoker's book, but quite well-received, despite Lugosi's poor command of the English language…" at which point the interviewer nodded off, later inventing the Lazarus stuff as something Kerry probably said later on in his half-hour response.

  5. finallyhappy

    Dracula-the undead? and Lazarus- raised from the dead? Or was he calling him a bloodsucker and a Jesus Freak?

  6. BarackMyWorld

    There is nothing like a great sense of humor, and I, John Kerry, have nothing like a great sense of humor, if by like you are changing the implied meaning of "nothing" and "like" while in mid-sentence in order to surprise the listening with ironic juxtaposition and create a humorous moment to be met with laughter.

  7. ShaveTheWhales

    Oh, fuck me. I voted for John Kerry in 2004, and I'm still happy I did so (consider the alternative which we lived through). But, hey, John, I'm about your age. I am you, if you believe Xine, except for the part where you're a US Senator and married to a preposterously wealthy woman, and I'm not.

    You seem like a decent guy, and I'm happy to anticipate your perpetual Senatorship until Massachusetts sinks into the Atlantic because of the weight of all the offshore wind turbines (ha ha, JK).

    Nevertheless, I have to point out that this foray into metaphorgettaboutit vas SHTUPID! Dracula? Lazarus? Why not jump straight to Jesus?

    I understand that your enormous wealth and substantial political power may make you feel insulated, and to be completely honest, I envy your ability to not give a shit. But, on the other hand, I don't give a shit about my "legacy", because I don't have one. If you care about yours, you might want to try to be coherent in your public statements.

  8. Negropolis

    That's quite a compliment coming from Lurch. This men has seen some vampires in his lifetime, Vietnamese vampires, in fact. Oh, and some Mama Grizzlies. Also.

  9. Negropolis

    Oh, and Harry Reid is also a dark Sith Lord (Darth Silverstate) and the third reincarnation of Cthulhu, destroyer or worlds, devourer of souls.

    1. One_who_wanders

      Would that it were so. A little destroying and devouring would go a long way in legislator management.

  10. legalize everything

    Harry Reid is unbeatable*

    *by complete nutjob Sharron Angle.
    Of course, my basset hound is likewise unbeatable by Angle because she's twice as smart and half the bitch.

  11. schvitzatura

    Well, Reid is obviously the holy union of the Cloverfield creature and a mushroom-cloud-layin' motherfucker, motherfucker!

  12. ReturnToMetal

    Harry Reid is Dracula.

    Sharron Angle is the Wicked Witch of the West.

    Whoops, sorry. Turns out Angle is just Palin's understudy for the WWotW position.

  13. nachoproblem

    Well, Harry Reid is definitely not a witch. Or is he? He didn't say.

    Or, might he be the one who hypnotized Michele Bachman?

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