limitless vessel

Senate Candidates Who Received Fewer Votes Than Alvin Greene Yesterday

Presented without commentary, here are some of the Senate candidates who received fewer votes than Alvin Greene did yesterday, according to the most current AP numbers:

Senator Harry Reid: 361,655
Senator-elect Mike Lee: 360,050
Alvin Greene: 358,069
Sharron Angle: 320,996
Senator Mike Crapo: 318,468
Senator-elect Joe Manchin: 281,661
Senator Blanche Lincoln: 280,167
Senator John Thune: 227,903
Senator Daniel Inouye: 276,867
Senator-elect Kelly Ayotte: 265,967
Senator-elect John Hoeven: 181,409
Senator-elect Chris Coons: 173,900
Senator Patrick Leahy: 145,486
Senator Lisa Murkowski (Total Write-In): 81,876
Joe Miller: 68,288

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


    1. Negropolis

      Milk-through-the-nose funny, man.

      "Wanna see a football picture" eh? I'm going to have to remember that one.

          1. CapnFatback

            If only we could temporarily combine our accounts and avatars for the "doo doo doo" part. That, my friends, would be comment-posting performance art at its finest.

  1. SayItWithWookies

    And Greene's campaign appearances were limited to a couple of phone calls and waving at the camera from the state fair once. If only he knew witchcraft he could've given DeMint a real run for his money.

      1. JGambolputty

        While I don't begrudge anyone for living with their parents (partly because I still do. Job, please!) he could have at least rented a cabin or shack of some sort. Not saying I wanted Alvin Greene elected for anything other than the laugh factor, but he did even less than the slackiest of slackers. Yet still got more than 20 votes. Incredible.

        1. Negropolis

          I'd have voted for him. Demint, when he smiles, looks something less than human, and I'm no specicist, but

  2. Bluestatelibel

    You think Alvin Greene has lost? I tell you he has not lost at all; rather he has illuminated the way for every libtard who wakes up one morning and out of the blue decides to run for U.S. Senate.

    1. HistoriCat

      For any race! Next time I'm going to find a race with no Democrat in it (for example,this year – the Representative for my district or Texas Controller) and find a way to get on the ballot, then sit back and do nothing.

    1. Zvi_Bleindmeis

      A few years back, driving into SC, I saw a billboard at the state line that shocked the chitlins out of me. It read something like, "Welcome to South Carolina. #1 in violence against women, #50 in funding for substance abuse treatment and women's shelters."

      I should have been shocked about the statistics, I guess, but I was more surprised that someone in SC would dare put up a sign like that.

  3. JMPEsq

    Seeing those numbers, and comparing them to the vote totals in the millions from states like California, makes me once again so happy that we have a legislative chamber based on an equal voice for specific arbitrary geographic regions of varying size, rather than population.

    1. x111e7thst

      Didn't some FuckTard once say that FuckTards deserve representation too? Having Senators from places like SC assures that this is so.

      1. V572625694

        Senator Roman Hruska of Nebraska said that Supreme Court nominee Clement Haynesworth's mediocrity should be no bar to his appointment. "Even if he were mediocre, there are a lot of mediocre judges and people and lawyers. They are entitled to a little representation, aren't they, and a little chance? We can't have all Brandeises, Frankfurters and Cardozos."

        In other words: too many Jews.

    2. ShaveTheWhales

      Ah, you touch on one of my favorite THIS IS FUCKING STUPID points, which I will now gracefully ignore.

  4. el_donaldo

    Got to give the man some respect. I mean can anyone honestly say that South Carolina is better off having DeMint in the Senate than Greene? Honestly? I thought not.

  5. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Never before has a candidate received so many votes by doing so little. Greene is a minimalist genius.

  6. BaldarTFlagass

    Actually, everyone thought they were voting for Alvin Lee. Lots of Ten Years After fans down SC way.

    1. Negropolis

      It's funny 'cause it's (sadly) true.

      I remember Rachel Maddow going up to Scott McAdams campaign headquarters a week or so before the election. She went into his warroom to talk to some folks about how Democrats win in Alaska, and some guy way down the table said something to the extent if there is a three-way race or some Republican literally gets convicted of a crime.

  7. PresBeeblebrox

    A monk came to Master Alvin and asked, "Master, please teach me."

    The Master replied, "Consider the man who was chosen, but not elected."

    At that moment the monk was enlightened.

    1. tcaalaw

      I'm tempted to create more IntenseDebate profiles just so I can vote you more thumbs up for that one!

  8. emmelemm

    I enjoy that this list was presented without commentary, because really, it needs no commentary. Some things speak for themselves.

    So, yeah, some fucktard from Alaska (undetermined fucktard, at this point) gets to rub elbows with 99 other people (I use the term loosely) who control this country based on "yay" votes of less than 100,000 people.

  9. ShaveTheWhales

    You know, I came to realize (when I got my vote-by-mail ballot) that there was no Democratic candidate for Assembly in my new home district in Red California.

    I do not have the financial means to mount a serious campaign, but I believe I will contact the state party about a campaign in accord with the Way. I'll throw away a year of retirement just so there is a fucking entry under "Democratic" on the 2012 ballot.

    BTW, I'll be a terrible candidate. I have limited people skills; I think I'm smarter than most others because I am; and I'm a terribly obvious liar.

    OTOH, I have a lot of free time these days, and I've had enough shit hit me that a little more won't matter that much.

    1. Gorillionaire

      Do it. People have run for office with less honorable intentions, and today many of those people are taking bubble baths with hookers and telling us what to do with our penises.

Comments are closed.