nightmares

Carl Paladino Has a Baseball Bat: The Best of Last Night’s Coverage


What is going on with Bachmann in this video? Her face is just unnatural, for one, but God, is her whole point of going on with those cackling MSNBC bitters just so there will be a clip of her making fun of that evil librul channel to pass around in fundraising e-mails? She has no idea that Chris Matthews is making her look bad, and if Chris Matthews is making you look bad, you’re doing something terribly wrong. Other great clips we’ve collected from last night: Christine O’Donnell’s victory speech, Carl Paladino suddenly appearing with a baseball bat at his podium, and Joe Manchin being undermined by a small child in a fedora.


We discussed this in this thread. What a horrific moment. Even when you thought that unelectable pube lady had finally lost, she says it’s not true. STOP IT, CRAZY WOMAN.


Somehow we missed this part, but this whole drunken speech was something to behold. As we noted, Paladino kept pausing so the assembled Teabaggers could shout stuff out, and at one point, some guy yelled, “Secession!” So if you’re keeping score, that’s South Carolina, Texas, and upstate New York that are about to “join” into a new confederacy.


And here’s last night’s snazzy Democratic hero, the small child in a fedora being held up behind Joe Manchin during his victory speech, completely undermining his attempts to be down-home and aw-shucksy. [YouTube]

Related

Sponsored Video

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

135 comments

  1. Mindblank

    So, Christine was lying when she said she wasn't a witch, too. I already knew she wasn't me. Liar, liar, broom on fire!

    1. iburl

      I might choose to remain chaste too knowin that any child of mine would share approximately 25% of that guy's genes (or 75% if yew know whut I mean, and I think you don't ;)

      1. Clancy_Pants

        I think I know. Sort of like in Chinatown:

        Evelyn Mulwray: She's my daughter.
        [Gittes slaps Evelyn]
        Jake Gittes: I said I want the truth!
        Evelyn Mulwray: She's my sister…
        [slap]
        Evelyn Mulwray: She's my daughter…
        [slap]
        Evelyn Mulwray: My sister, my daughter.
        [More slaps]
        Jake Gittes: I said I want the truth!
        Evelyn Mulwray: She's my sister AND my daughter!

    1. V572625694

      So what does an interviewer say when the interviewee just spews talking points no matter what the question? Somebody's got to figure this out or we'll all be talking-pointed until we bleed from our ears.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Maybe the interviewers should be armed with those pressurized air cans with the horns like they have in the stands at the football games. Everytime a canned talking point is emitted, the host blares at them with the horn.

        Or better yet, electrodes to testicles/labia.

        1. V572625694

          Me likey.

          “Americans have chosen to reject the failed –” BLAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
          “The runaway deficit is burdening our grandch –” BLAAAAAHHH!

      2. Radiotherapy

        So what does an interviewer say when the interviewee just spews talking points no matter what the question?

        Well now that the people have spoken, in a 51-49 landslide, we will get back to common sense and the Constitution that our free market loving Founders envisioned. And its not a tax cut, its a de-increasing taxes.

      3. GOPCrusher

        It's been that way since last January. And the worst part is that people bought that garbage. Even Chris Wallace on Faux Noise Sunday tried pinning down the Republiklan candidates to tell America what their actual fiscal plan was, and they refused to answer.
        Its time to admit that the United States may have reached the point where we are too stupid to be a sovereign nation any longer.

  2. SexySmurf

    Michele is insane, Christine is delusional and Carl is making vague threats. What exactly has changed?

    1. mrpuma2u

      I agree. When boner tells her that her job is to get the more rabid teabaggettes to line up with a debt ceiling increase, she'll just love that.

    2. JGambolputty

      Her world will never shatter. She has built up a wall of craziness around herself much as Pink did in The Wall. But unlike Pink, there shall be no trial and no epiphany for Bachmann that she has been delusional all her life.

  3. Crank_Tango

    Well Hot Carl, considering you couldn't get voters to give you the worst job in the state, something tells me you won't convince them to secede, but good luck with that, spend as much of your own money on the project as you see fit, since Citizen's United has decided you are a person.

      1. Crank_Tango

        Shit, I'd move back to Buffalo if it became a part of Canada City, and not just some Tim Horton colony like it is now.

  4. JMPEsq

    O'Donnell "won" by costing the Republicans a Senate seat held by a guy who just wasn't crazy enough for her wing of the party, I guess.

  5. SheriffRoscoe

    You make your case to the voters, are soundly defeated, and so you naturally threaten to bust a few heads. This is just as the Founders intended, with all of their writings on the subject of the tree of liberty, tyranny and revolution and so forth.

      1. kenlayisalive

        Sure, and/or the vagina of a woman must be watered by the semen of a horse. Also as the framers intended. I recall John Hancock sending accidentally that mass email out.

    1. GOPCrusher

      I missed Sharron Angle's concession speech. Did she whip out her pistols and start shooting in the air like Yosemite Sam?

      1. kenlayisalive

        Her face just melted like that scene at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. It was pretty cool actually.

  6. SayItWithWookies

    I have no doubt we'll be hearing more from Carl Paladino — probably in an incident involving a 911 call from a tranny hooker, 20 grams of blow, two ferrets and that baseball bat.

  7. BaldarTFlagass

    Someone needs to take away Paladino's DVDs of the The Untouchables. Also, The Warriors. Dude, you are not Al Capone, or one of the Baseball Furies.

    1. schvitzatura

      A junior-grade Donald Trump from Buffalo becomes preeminent, he's expected to have enthusiasms. Enthusiasms, enthusiasms…

  8. CapeClod

    After her last appearence MSNBC, when she actually did say that members of congress should be investigated for 'un-American beliefs', she must have told never to go off script again.

  9. OC_Surf_Serf

    When the Libertarian Party, Green Party, The Rent is Too Damn High Party, etc., etc., want to run they have to struggle to get on the ballot, must get 5% to get matching funds, litigate to get into the "official" debates, and on and on…

    But a bunch of Archie Bunkers on Hoverounds® can just show up to Republican primaries, scream Nobama non-sequiturs, get voted in and still call themselves a separate political party?

    Too soon to blame this on Lieberman?

    1. SenileAgitation

      It's never too early to blame Boltin' Joe. Maybe he can chair the impeachment proceedings.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      And the guy behind her—I thought Tony, Silvio, and Paulie Walnuts killed Big Pussy out on that boat?

  10. NorthStarSpanx

    Michelle: Well Chris, I may not answer the question the way you want me to answer them, I prefer not to use the filter of the Mainstream Media to get my message out. I'll just talk directly to the American People. . .in my head.

  11. schvitzatura

    Bachman and Issa are going to keep free markets and the principles of the "founders" alive by subpoena-ing the shit out of anything going forward.

    I thought we needed more job thingees…

    1. schvitzatura

      I think she means in the sense the teabag virus has infected the host organism.

      Final victory is when the host is dead…

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        I saw that in a movie. I hope Kurt Russell can blow up the virus-carrier with a bundle of dynamite or we are all fucked.

  12. savethispatient

    As I mentioned last night, that's exactly what she told the BBC (via Skype). She was then asked about immigration policy, and the feed suspiciously/miraculously dropped. How unfortunate, I'm sure she would have had a cogent and coherent answer.

  13. jfruh

    I hate to stand up for random shouty people, but I imagine that "secession" guy is advocating that upstate New York (everything north of the northernmost Metro North stop, probably) seceede and form a separate state. I gotta say, as a Buffalo native, this isn't a terrible idea, even if it would replace a reliably blue state with an unbreakably blue state and a swing state. People upstate (and I'm including Western New Yorkers here, who bristle and being put under the "upstate" umbrella) are really alienated from NY state politics, because they have very little power there. Not that they should — NYC and its environs have most of the people and all of the money — but it's a bad dynamic.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      My US history teacher in HS about 35 yrs ago, in SoCal, said that NYC was the most apt and likely candidate to become the 51st state. Of course, NYC in 1975 was the equivalent of present-day Baghdad, conditions-wise.

      1. V572625694

        Norman Mailer ran for mayor years ago with secession as Plank 1 in his platform. Didn't get too far — when you stab Wife 3 or whatever she was in the boob, people tend to remember that.

        The real solution would be popular election of Senatards, or a unicameral legislature, so that the rural folks and their bigotries wouldn't be overrepresented. I'm going to hold my breath until it happens!

    2. GunTotingProgressive

      I grew up in Ilion (CENTRAL NY, thank you, not Upstate) and this was a frequent cry. Everyone thought that NYC took all the air out of the state, and nobody north of Westchester County had any say. Of course, as you point out, nobody north of WC actually had any money, but people generally neglected to mention that.

      1. jfruh

        It is absolutely true that downstate NY is the state's economic engine, and the rural and rustbelt areas that would be on their own after any split would immediately be an economic basket case! But it is also an unshakeable conviction among upstate folk that NYC is frittering away upstate tax dollars on terrible things like subways (and really, why is the MTA a state rather than a regional agency?) and of course welfare for all the poor people who live in New York's slums. You cannot convince anyone of the fact that Buffalo and Rochester are much poorer percentage-wise than NYC, and that the poor people in the Bronx are more than compensated for by the rich people in Manhattan who have no upstate analogue.

        Basically, I'd like to see NY state split up so that I don't have to listen to my parents whine about it all any more.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          OH, it the 'rents that are the whiny titty babies here.

          Oh well, the eastern part of my state has an identical bitch against Seattle and all those big city libruls that are dictating to them on how to live, forcing them to pay taxes etc., never mind that the money actually flows the other way. It's the same way in Oregon and probably a half dozen other states, at least.

    3. metamarcisf

      I think Erie County should form its own nation-state (with the possible exception of the UB campus, which is really a suburb of Brooklyn anyhow)

      1. An_Outhouse

        Why can't we join Canada? Paladino could move to Niagara County and makes his last stand there.

    4. JMPEsq

      Hell, now that we're stuck with Governor Coburn and Senator Toomey I'd like to see Philly and the burbs split from the godforsaken rest of this state; Pittsburgh might want to split too. And like with the blue states or NYC, we give more tax money to the state than we get back yet the Pennsyltucky residents keep whining about having to pay for services to help the cities and, you know, those people.

      1. PresBeeblebrox

        Ya know that Pittsburgh was once part of Virginny, right? And that Western PA and what is now northern West Virginia were going to form their own state known as Westsylvania shortly after the Revolution?

        No one who's not from Pennsylvania can truly understand James Carville's statement that PA is Philly and Pittsburgh divided by Alabama… except the Pittsburgh area is much less reliably blue than it used to be and the Philly suburbs split pretty evenly for Sleestak and Do-Me.

        Obviously, Sleestak needed moar Joe Biden campaigning in the Scranton/Wilkes-Barre area…

        1. JMPEsq

          These days, Pittsburgh seems culturally closer to Ohio than anywhere else; they could join up with them if they wanted.

          Sestak was so close, and yeah a little more Biden could have helped. I also wish that we Dems had nominated someone for Governor with more personality than a department store mannequin (I voted for Hoeffel in the primary); at least Coburn seems to just be a corrupt asshole, not nuts.

  14. elviouslyqueer

    Okay, Tweety, for making Michelle look even more batshit than usual, I almost forgive you for being such an utter douche. Almost.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      He was pretty feisty last night, during the few minutes I watched he was interviewing Marsha Blackburn (R-TN) and giving her shit for her continued spouting of talking points on "cutting the budget." I think he said something like, "okay, you're going to extend the tax cuts which will increase the deficit, so to compensate you are going to cut federal spending, but your budget cuts won't touch defense, medicare, medicaid, or social security. So now you have about 7% of the federal budget left to work with. What are you going to cut?" and like all the Repubs she had no answer and diverted.

      1. JustPixelz

        Also can't cut veterans benefits or interest on debt. That leaves 0% vs current revenue.

        As I've said before, Repubicans think a 1% tax increase is a "job killer" while 10% medical increases are part of the ordinary ebb and flow of the market. (Mostly flow.)

        1. kenlayisalive

          Yeah, I'm pretty much only feeling the "flow" of the market at this point.

          By which I mean "flow" of shit.

  15. schvitzatura

    The kid with the fedora?

    He's the 15th reincarnation of A. James "Tenzin" Manchin, Joe's dead uncle.

    That's how WeeVee politics works; all about the nepotism.

  16. Progressiveinga

    CM: Are you hypnotized tonight? Has someone hypnotized you???
    MB: It's called BOTOX, you oaf. I won't be able to show the anger bear look I'll be wearing to the upcoming impeachment hearings for another 2 months…….but until then, FREE MARKETS, NO TAXES, SECURE BORDERS, CAPITALISM YAY!!!

  17. Vinnie Saltine

    Chris Matthews almost asked Bachman if someone had cast a spell on her….but that would have set-up a great Christine O'Donnell comment.

  18. WarAndGee

    Bachmann will be a committee chair. She will be conducting hearings. People nearby will be giving abortions to their wrists.

  19. schvitzatura

    Beat on the brat
    Beat on the brat
    Beat on the brat with a baseball bat
    Oh yeah, oh yeah, uh-oh.

  20. freakishlywrong

    Jesus. Bachmann. Shades of Katherine Harris with the strident trifecta of Palin; (ignorant, shrill and smug). Gorganesque in other words.

  21. MistaEko

    /dons Banana Costume and maracas

    It's Carl Paladino time!
    Carl Paladino Time! Carl Paladino time!
    Do the Carl Paladino, Carl Paladino, Carl Paladino with a baseball bat!

  22. mereoblivion

    Paladino's just ticked because in his high-school yearbook Texas was voted Most Likely to Secede.

  23. Extemporanus

    Is Michele Bachmann wearing a shirt woven out of her own hair?

    Wait…is Michele Bachmann even wearing a shirt?!

      1. Extemporanus

        I have a photo of me wearing nothing but a red velvet scrunchie.

        I'll see if I can find it for you…

  24. anniegetyourfun

    Pause the Bachmann video at :14 in and tell me if it doesn't make your blood run a little cold.

    1. GOPCrusher

      The new comedy sensation, sweeping the nation, will be CSPAN broadcasting live from whichever committee that Michele Bachmann is the Chairperson of.

  25. freakishlywrong

    Actually, all these clips of MSNBC last night are worth watching. They all piled on to what every wingnut spouting whatever wingnt platitude, because they knew that that will be the last time any one will ever ask them a question of substance and actually follow up or pushback. It's back to Faux and MTP for insightful journalismz.

  26. PresBeeblebrox

    I can't stop watching the O'Donnell clip.

    OD: "We have won!"

    OD's brother, leaning to someone: "WTF is she talking about?"

    OD: "My JOKING big brother goes, 'We won? Did we miss something?'"

    Then she goes on about how she lectured Chris Coons about what he should do, including watching her horrible 30-minute video.

    And all those overfed white folks on the stage…

    So Tom Carper is likely going to run for re-election for Senate in 2012. Anyone want to bet that OD's going to do a Harold Stassen and run for Senate for a fourth time?

    1. metamarcisf

      And she will have our full support here at Wonkette. After all, you can't buy this kind of material.

  27. UpstateYorkee

    Wait a cotton pickin' minute…. is NYS seceding from the union, or is it just Buffalo seceding from NYS? If that's the case does Buffalo become it's own state? Or does it become it's own sovereign nation with Texas and South Carolina, and Todd Palin's Alaska? Or does Buffalo get absorbed by Canada where Paladino will become automatic Canadian governor? Does Carl even speak French?

    So many questions…

  28. chascates

    Now that the real Americans have taken back their country we'll see less shrill 'news' shows & web sites, more civility & cooperation in Congress, and the solution to most of our problems.

    FUCK! I'm still drunk from last night!

  29. EdFlintstone

    I blew my teenager's mind when I would say the talking points right before Marsha Blackburn(R-Tenn), would spew them from her mouth on MSNBC. I mean it's too easy. America is now a nation of empty, meaningless rhetoric and platitudes.

  30. StillGoinGreen

    Is it just me, or does Rachel Maddow look like the proverbial, cute brainiac in high school that ALWAYS wanted to date the quarterback – only to find out on her first date that the dude was a complete tool! Last night, she was eloquent, somewhat humbled by the events of the day, and very spot on with her commentary. However, Olbermann was all, "hey guys, pull my finger!!" and Matthews and Lawrence O'Donnell were unabashedly bitter – towards ANYONE within earshot. (Not that I wasn't as well). The problem with being a liberal is that you cannot, with good conscience, allow your leaders to put rhetoric ahead of fact. The right, however, has absolutely NO problem with it. So, go on Xtine, claim victory. And go on Paladino – threaten violence! And go ahead Iott, wear fucking Nazi garters for all I care – the truth will not hurt you (except for last night, that is).

  31. natoslug

    Why is it that Republican women look like botched trannies? Jesus, that woman has a manly face! Free Markets!!!1!

  32. natoslug

    Fuck. I just drank another bottle of Viognier for lunch and I'm still not happy. What the fuck is wrong with you, liberals? Why do we elect fucking pussies? America at large is a festering pit of retardation that needs to have reality pounded into it like a prison ass-rape. Why the fuck were the dems not doing this before the election? And why did they not do it in the senate and house? FUCK PARTISANSHIP!!!! We had 2 years to "ram it down their throats" so why did we try bipartisanship? Why did we do a reacharound across the aisle? Why the fucking fuck did every dumbass motherfucccker up for election not point out that the party of no, the cow in the cufucking tracks was trying to screw america over so they could win in '10? We goddamannn disgust me. Fucking dems. this had tbetyerer turn out to have beren a blackout nightmare and not reality when I fianlly fucking sober the fuck op. Fuck. I love my county, but I havte4 my cuontroy. fuck you america. fuck.

      1. natoslug

        Sobriety returned an hour or so ago. A great way to spend the post-election holiday . . . drunk and internet-shouty.

        1. ShaveTheWhales

          Easy up there my recent (if I'm paying attention) compadre. Cali Republic took a couple of baby steps in the direction of sanity, and with Oregon and Washington we have a fairly defensible border.

          BTW, I may borrow (steal) "motherfucccker".

          Also, too, I have to admit that I'm gonna go buy a couple more bricks of ammo, but that's just me (and I live in Tuolumne County, not Humboldt).

          1. natoslug

            Yep, definitely California. I'm hoping I still have enough ammo to make it through the Great Coastal Secession, should we be that lucky.

  33. JGambolputty

    She's like the white, female, Republican Alvin Greene, and yet somehow she is holding political office.

  34. kenlayisalive

    Wow, the list of things Christine O'Donnell does not know grows daily. And exponentially.

    I love how EVERYONE in the room got quiet and was like "uh…" when she said "we won".

    Basically, she's the stupidest person in the roomful of people stupid enough to vote for her.

  35. lulzmonger

    Notice how blissful O'Donnell was?

    "Whew! Man, that was waaaaay too close. Those Teabagger dumbshits almost made me work for a living! Now I get to grift their clueless asses all over again in two years … is America a great country or what?"

  36. gurukalehuru

    I vote we continue to follow sweet Christine just as if she'd won, like always putting (R-De) after her name and quoting her opinions on whatever is up before congress. It'll be a hoot.

  37. Tundra Grifter

    With a bit more Meghan McCains this could have been "The Breast of Last Night's Coverage."

    Or, lack of coverage, depending on the photo…

  38. JustPixelz

    Sara Benincasa is looking a little weird in that interview with Tweety. Has she changed her hair again?

  39. Redhead

    In summary: I didn't lose, I really won, I don't care who voted for who, I won and I'm not leaving, I'm taking office anyway, and if you don't like it, just try to MAKE me leave! I'll whack you with this baseball bat!

  40. BarackMyWorld

    I can explain this….O'Donnell only had one speech prepared, and was going to give it hell or high water.

  41. JackObin

    That Bachmann whelp is George Bush stupid. I thought Minnesota was fairly intelligent? I guess the Jerry Lewis telethon never ended.

  42. Joey_Ratz

    A little OT, but what the hell: someone named Phillip Berg got 2.5% of the votes in Nancy Pelosi's district running for the libertarian party. Is this the same Phillip Berg who holds idiotic DC rallies demanding to see Barry's birf cert and at some point had sweaty sex with Orly Taitz in her dentist's chair?

Comments are closed.