pencive

Mike Pence Quickly Quits House Leadership To Run For President

THE WEEKLY STANDARAD has obtained a letter from Mike Pence, who is believed to be considering a presidential or gubernatorial run, informing his colleagues that he will not seek another term as chairman of the House Republican conference. “Now that we have restored a Republican majority to the House of Representatives and I have fulfilled my commitment to the Republican Conference, my family and I have begun to look to the future,” Pence writes.

“A future making my family suffer terrible embarrassment as I become Indiana’s Tom Tancredo.” [Weekly Standard]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Oh my — it's the end of an era. Who could possibly replace whatsisname at the whatever committee?

  • x111e7thst

    Somebody sent him an email saying " I have pictures. Meet me in the usual place with $50,000 in nonconsecutive bills or I send them to Wonkette.
    Dirty kisses
    Big Daddy

    • elviouslyqueer

      So today's "after much prayerful consideration" is tomorrow's "Shit, somebody's blackmailing me again," amirite?

      • x111e7thst

        Either that or "I got caught in Argentina with my diaper down".

    • SexySmurf

      If I have to read a description of Mike Pence's pubes I'm never reading Wonkette again.

      • http://themysterydance.blogspot.com/ OCKerouac

        You're safe. I'm sure he's waxed.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      SInce he's the guy who likes to belabor all the tired Family Christian Political tropes so much, you know there's gotta be something truly horrible going on there.

      I'm just praying it's something more interesting than the usual mundane dead girl / live boy / livestock thing. Please, Gods of Snark, let it be so!

      • finallyhappy

        But howabout if it is all three combined???

        • obiwanacracker

          The Aristocrats!

  • Badonkadonkette

    The comedic benefit of calling President Pence "PeePee" would not be worth the cost.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    My family and I have realized that John Boehner is such a foul beast that his stench is too great even for us. So I quit.

  • CapeClod

    If he starts saying the name Ronald Reagan over and over again we'll know his hat is in the ring.

    • Not_So_Much

      and 9/11. Pelosi/Reid has lost its mojo.

  • Come here a minute

    Pence doesn't hate brown people enough to be Indiana's Tancredo.

    • Kidneys4Sale

      Tancredo doesn't hate brown people enough to be Indiana's Tancredo, either.

  • Gopherit

    Sorry, Mike. We've had black. We won't go back.

    • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

      Really. This guy is white bread spread with marshmallow fluff topped with banana slices and sprinkled with coconut shavings. Couldn't be whiter if you shaved him and spray painted him.

    • Negropolis

      This guy is the definition of a "stuffed suit." Honestly, he's one of the more awkwardly shapped politicians, as if he's some reptilian in an ill-fitting human skin bag. Every time I look at him, I'm waiting for something to tear on him revealing snake scales.

  • easynewz

    Mike Pence and Chris Christie will run in 2012 on a platform that will reduce the deficit by taxing gravity.

  • PublicLuxury

    Personally, Pence polluted polarizing pundits pounding palms periodically providing peppered power points politically.

  • OhNoGuy

    No, no, no. No secret.

  • Negropolis

    This man wishes he could be Indiana's Tom Tancredo. Though, to be fair, he makes Mitch Daniels look like a pinko-commie.

    BTW, if he really is thinking of running for president (HA!), he'll have to take out Sarah Palin in an epic supernatural sword fight. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!