somehow levi's fault

America’s Youth (Bristol Palin) Didn’t Vote Yesterday

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Whisper sweet scoops to me, darling, and point me to the nearest men's bathroom.Even though Bristol Palin was dancing in California on the television last night, she still should have sent in her ballot absentee, because voting is just what white rural folks do, and that’s how their candidates win elections. But this morning, as the sun continues to hover over Alaska, Joe Miller is crying because Bristol gave his Senate seat to “Total Write-In” by not voting. “I did not send in my absentee ballots to Alaska,” she apparently told Bill O’Reilly’s Inside Edition. Wait, absentee ballots? How many ballots did Sarah collect for her daughter? Maybe she really did cost Joe Miller that election, by neglecting her duties when her mother wasn’t there to whip her into filling out 10,000 absentee ballots.

Give us some context, The Hill:

Palin, currently competing on “Dancing with the Stars,” said this may disappoint her mother, former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin (R). “I’m going to be in trouble. Sorry, mom!”

Bristol Palin’s home state is the site of one of the year’s most hotly contested Senate races, between write-in candidate Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R) and Tea Party favorite Jeff Millerr, who was strongly supported by Sarah Palin.

Haha, “Jeff Millerr”? If you’re going to post dumb stories about Bristol Palin like us, The Hill, at least spell the politics parts correctly.

Meanwhile, Facebook knows that Bristol must persevere dancing on this crap teevee show because it is her job, and all single mothers must work.

Facebook wisdom.

Anyway, Democrats lost yesterday obviously because the youth didn’t vote, but the youth didn’t vote because each and every one of them was starring on a dance-related reality teevee show all day yesterday. [The Hill/Facebook]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • anniegetyourfun

    Yes. For the mother's out there, Bristol, you must push forward.

  • charlesdegoal

    Diffucult? Dr. Freud, vat do you sink?

  • elviouslyqueer

    Yea, Sherry Camp Parkhurst, I'm sure it is hard work for Bristol, what with all that pushing out an illegitimate child, shilling for a half-time quitter grifter of a Mom, endlessly breaking up and making up with Levi, and prostituting herself as some sort of "celebutante" on a lame network dancing show.

  • wondering where i am

    Erg! The rogue apostrophe strikes again. The plural of mother is not mother's.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Say's you.

    • sherriawilson

      And anyhow, now that the teabaggers are in power, who cares about your stupid grammer and speling rules!

      • V572625694

        Cuz there eleetitiss.

    • sedan

      I'm pretty sure that's a maverick apostrophe.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    These young people just don't realize yet that since they didn't vote, all the teabaggers got elected and will now expect them to work three jobs, including "every night shift you can imagine" ala John Boehner, leaving them little time for enjoyable pursuits, like dancing on teevee shows and sliding up and down their boyfriend's hockey sticks.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Save a Zamboni. Ride a Johnston.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Bristol's story is actually a little more complicated than she says — she tried to send her ballot(s) in, but couldn't figure out how to email a paper ballot. Anyway, by the time she got the envelope out of the CD drive, it was half-shredded and the post office was closed.

    • elviouslyqueer

      She tried tweeting it as well, only the nasty Wasilla post office wouldn't follow her.

      • Clancy_Pants

        She tried tweeting but her spelling of Murkowski exceeded the 140 character limit.

    • zhubajie

      They can be kinda complicated.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I still can't get over that big head. It's like in Zardoz or some shit, I keep waiting for Sean Connery in some faggy tights and a ponytail to jump out of her mouth and quote some Nietzsche.

  • PresBeeblebrox

    HUR DUR, JEFF MILLER. Fuck The Hill, they're the ones who started the "Coons is in trouble!!!1" meme yesterday afternoon on which the right-wing blogosphere began to dance a whipsong… they're just another lame political rag.'

    And, WTF, Oregon, why didn't you re-re-elect Kitzhaber? Were all the Portland hipsters too stoned to go out and vote? You're fucking up the Jesusland map.

    • SmutBoffin

      Shit. Sorry. I mean, I had go get this tattoo done then ride my bike down to McMenamins and meet the other people in my Dungeons & Dragons themed rock band and before you know it it was too late to mail in my ballot.

      Also that Dudley dude played for the 'blazers, which is a pretty big thing in OR…

  • Gratuitous World

    Meg Whitman would be proud.

  • x111e7thst

    "People who don't like Bristol..say she never had to sacrifice or work hard blah blah blah"
    Are you fucking kidding me? The little trollop didn't even have to have her own retarded baby. It does not get much easier than that.

    • PresBeeblebrox

      We're not fit to tie her baby's umbilical cord.

    • StillGoinGreen

      I really feel for Bristol – it IS hard to fuck your high school sweetheart, get knocked up, bail on your kid so you can go party in LA, while leaving him with some Nanny that has been instructed to MAKE SURE he doesn't think he's superior to his tard of an uncle. That's EASILY as hard as the life of a single mother putting herself through nursing school.

      • HistoriCat

        What? You think it's easy to talk about abstinence with a straight face after having experienced Levi's sweet, sweet hockey stick?

  • donner_froh

    Not Jeff Miller. The Hill was thinking of Jeffrey Dahmer who was strongly supported by Sarah Palin.

    • Zvi_Bleindmeis

      Jeff ("Jefferson B.") Miller is the five-term congressman from Florida's First District. He succeeded Joe ("Morning Joe") Scarborough.

      Miller does not wear a toupee, as does Scarborough, or greasy-looking stubble, as does Joe Miller. Jeff Miller, in fact, recently lost his porn star moustache.

  • WordSaladNation

    "Diffucult" sounds like "occult." Just sayin'.

  • JMPEsq

    Is that admission enough to turn the teabaggers against her and stop keeping the worst dancer on that show well past when she should have been kicked off?

  • Golfing_OJ

    There's officially a pattern now: Every fucking time Sheryl Crow shows her face at some nebulously concepted Rally To Vote and Rock-Rebel, the kids get spectacularly cunted at the thing and spend Election Day caressing toilets. And then we get stuck with shit like this.

    What I loved best about yesterday was the giggly soccer mom independent voter squeaking about "We need to send a message to Obama, duh, and maybe this will help get the 2 parties to work together." It almost made me turn around and forget voting.

    This isn't going to end well. It just isn't.

    • GOPCrusher

      It's sad that a group of people were brainwashed into believing that the Tea Bagger Movement was really about the Government not listening to the American public. When what they really meant was "No Blacks Allowed".

  • johnnyzhivago

    Damn you Wonkette, don't you know that the JOB of the wimmens is to look purdy, have babies and dance on TV, not waste their brain cells trying to remember who we told them to vote for???

    • elviouslyqueer

      Well, at least Bristol has one of those three job qualifications down pat.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Wake me up when Piper is legal.

        I mean, Willow. I meant to say 'Willow'.

    • Zvi_Bleindmeis

      "Don't ask me — I'm just a girl!"
      -Malibu Stacy

  • StillGoinGreen

    Dear Lord of the Clouds, Mama Grizz's twats are gunna be especially angry today.

  • metamarcisf

    Today's favorite conspiracy theory: Tea Bagger overvoting is skewing the results in order to keep Bristol on "Dancing…"

    • PublicLuxury


      Is that what she calls it? I've seen backhoes with more grace and rhythm than that girl.

  • rocktonsam

    Couldn't spell "Murkowski."

    This kid will always disappoint her parents, got love her for that.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    The "Ariel + Milk + Sonny & Cher" mnemonic just didn't work out for her.

  • CapeClod

    Hey, Sherry Camp Parkhurst. You need to be disabused of this notion that Bristol Palin faces any of the struggles the average single mother in this country has to deal with. Open those raccoon eyes of yours, you dolt.

  • JustPixelz

    The second comment by Donna Ferrel Hov: "… much of Bristol's generation has absolutely no idea about sacrifice or hard work.

    True enough, I suppose. Also true of Bristol's parent's generation. Here's a test of sacrifice (suggested by Michael Kinsley in The Atlantic): retire the National Debt for our children and grandchildren. That will require sacrifice and hard work in the form of vastly reduced social security, medicare benefits; higher taxes (as with no over 65 deduction).

    So who's up for some sacrifice and hard work? Anybody? Anybody?

    • x111e7thst

      I support allowing all the Bush tax cuts to expire. Not quite as extreme as what you propose but a step in the right direction.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Oh horseshit, you morans have it all rong. Couple more tax cuts for the rich, and we're home free! THATS WHY WE VOTED TEA PARTY!!!!

      • jim89048

        My bush tax cut expired the day I cashed that $300 check . The only tax cut I ever received in my life was the one I got last year. It amounted to about $40 a month; it shrank to almost nothing this year.

    • JMPEsq

      Hard work, obviously, is getting knocked up then getting handed a bunch of money for preaching for abstinence, and handed a spot on a bad TV show, because your mommy's famous.

    • zhubajie

      Sacrifice and hard work are for immigrant tomato-pickers and engineers; real Americans sit around, connive, complain about some fictional good old days. It's been like this for centuries.

      Zhu Bajie, immigrant's grandson

  • Fare la Volpe

    Methinks Misses Sherry and Donna's idea of "hard work" is packing up the litter and headin' on down to the welfare office. Gotcha snatch up all them checks afore the sambos git 'em.

  • Mindblank

    Well, she couldn't have trivialities screwing up her Paso Doble.

  • mavenmaven

    Donna Farrell Hoy for new Repub secretary of education!

  • V572625694

    Ha ha, a conservatard friend saw two absentee ballots on my desk (I was mailing the Italian Princess' for her)(well actually she just lets me fill it out for her), and when he asked why I said, "Liberals get two votes. You didn't know?" His eyes got sooo wide…

  • PsycWench

    She mistook the song title "Dance Like No One's Watching" for a lifetime goal, so possibly she was thinking "Vote like no one's watching…no, don't vote like no one's watching…no, don't vote unless everyone is watching…"

  • Vinnie Saltine

    she thought it was an "Abstainee Ballot" and naturally ignored it completely.

  • jus_wonderin

    "…squish those giant, galomphing thighs into full-leg Turbo-Spanx…"

    James Cameron should harness the sound that this process makes for the Avatar II. Though it would have worked more appropriately as the main sound layer when the Titanic broke apart.

  • multiplesarcasms

    i can't wait until Bristol fails at dancing like she failed at abstinence.

  • OneYieldRegular

    I really can't think of a more wonderful role model for young women.

  • jus_wonderin

    I bet she would have filled out the ballot if it had a zipper on it.

  • PublicLuxury

    She didn't vote. But she'll be on the campaign trail with her blackhole mother shilling for the President Palin. She will head up the GOTV arm of Teatard presidential bid. Palins: Putting the DENT in president since 2008.

  • PublicLuxury

    Maybe if Bristol had a puddin' cup man she would've remembered to vote.

    Any takers willing to grow a puddin' cup so you can fill Bristonl's honey pot???




  • zhubajie

    After many years of voting, I've concluded that the more enlightened Americans are the ones who don't vote. Is there some real difference between the Demoniac and the Reptilian parties? Does it matter if one corrupt machine wins and not the other? O.'s torture gulag isn't better than B.'s.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Bristol Palin didn't turn in her Absentee ballot because she thought it was an Abstinence measure. Kind of hard to sell abstinence when your pregnant again and still unwed.

  • DaSandman

    Bristol darling, the great sacrifices you are making while starring on "Dancing with a Teenage Alaskan Whore" excuse many things. Besides which Momma has already voted for all of Wasilla already.

    And I know in my Teabagged heart of hearts that you are doing all this for the future of Trig and What's His Name (Trapp? Tartt?) that's locked in a closet in the fifth nanny's room. I'd worry about Trig, dear one, because when he's old enough to wrap that fat little finger around a trigger, he may wish to sort some shit out.

    Now go dance your little heart out!

  • metamarcisf

    I just wish people would take these programs as seriously as the tea baggers take their mission of saving America.!

  • JMPEsq

    A lot of teabaggers vote for these things. Hell, last year on that karaoke show they handed a win to a guy who admitted he less talented than his final opponent because the other guy was a gay.

  • phaVoom

    deathpanel for you, bucko