Obama Drunk Dials John Boehner

  orange booty call

'What are you wearing?'When the war is over, in the wee small hours, when your tie is loosened and you just want to have a cigarette and bullshit on the phone with another brother who likes his smokes, that’s when you open the last bottle and put Kind of Blue on the stereo and accidentally call John Boehner, because your dumb intern put him in the Rolodex under “colored guys.” [White House Flickr/Pete Souza]

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A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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110 comments

  1. Crank_Tango

    "ball's in your court now, asshole. Oh yeah, what sort of leadership position did you have planned for crazy-eyes? Good luck with that."

    1. snoopyfan2010

      I fully expect the Repuclican House to fix the economy and get everyone jobs within the first two months of 2011. Am I being unreasonable???

      1. kenlayisalive

        Here's my idea: They just might.

        We know the bank and corporations are sitting on heaping buttloads of cash right now. So, election is over, Chamber of Commerce holds a meeting, says, "Okay fellas, we swung the election, now let's drop unemployment by 1.5 percent in two months." A minor surge in hiring, and bingo, it's done. Repugs look like geniuses.

        That's how concentrated corporate power is these days. Why wouldn't they do that? Too conspiratorial? I don't think so. That's how they swing elections in South America, except usually the big corporations hoard a staple food item for a few months until everyone is pissed. Here, they're doing it with jobs.

        Call me crazy, but that's my theory.

        1. snoopyfan2010

          Close. I actually think it is a self fulfilling prophecy for them. They hold off on hiring because they are told that the economy is bad….then people start loosing business because people hold off on spending because they are told that their jobs are at risk….theeeeeeennnnnn companies lay people off because of the drop in revenue…………..theeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnn more people are laid off and so on and so on. So yes, I think your theory is probably likely. The trick would be to get the general public to buy into the theory that the economy is suddenly getting better without making Barry look good.

          1. kenlayisalive

            That's a good point. It would have to be closely linked to a legislative initiative of theirs, or we'll just all have to suffer until 2012, when they win. And by that time, they can just call the damage systemic and start another war.

            That's where Barry is fucking up – he is trying to placate the tiny group of people who don't care if the economy gets good again (as they are already massively loaded). They can basically tell him and his base to eat shit for four years, while they sit on their cash. But instead of Barry trying to fight them on it or do an end-around by trying to pass laws requiring lending, or creating public jobs to fill the gap, or allowing unions to form and negotiate some of the stagnant cash away form the holders, he's trying to compromise with them on issues in which they hold all of the cards.

            Some fucking three dimensional chess player this guy turned out to be.

  2. Beowoof

    Hey John come on over and bring a carton of Marlboro and lets talk. Which means Obama will probably resign and turn the job over to Boner by the end the meeting. Biden will go if they give him a Dunkin Donut franchise in Dover.

    1. Progressiveinga

      I was thinking "Bad Moon Rising" by CCR

      Hope you got your things together
      Hope you are quite prepared to die
      Looks like we're in for nasty weather
      One eye is taken for an eye

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      I was thinking "Tone Soul Evolution" by Apples in Stereo. No, it's not related in any special way to today's political situation, it's just a freaking great record.

    3. deelzebub

      NOFX Idiots Are Taking Over

      darwin's rollin over in his coffin
      the fittest are surviving much less often
      now everything seems to be reversing, and it's worsening
      someone flopped a steamer in the gene pool
      now angry mob mentality's no longer the exception, it's the rule
      and im startin to feel a lot like charlton heston
      stranded on a primate planet
      apes and orangutans that ran it to the ground
      with generals and the armies that obeyed them
      followers following fables
      philosophies that enable them to rule without regard

      there's no point for democracy when ignorance is celebrated
      political scientists get the same one vote as some Arkansas inbred
      majority rule, don't work in mental institutions
      sometimes the smallest softest voice carries the grand biggest solutions

    4. ingloriousbytch

      I suggest "Let's Go Get Stoned" by Ray Charles

      Let's go get stoned Yeah….
      Oh….Let's go get stoned
      Everybody
      Let's go get stoned
      Oh….Let's go get stoned
      Now wait a minute
      You know my baby, she won't let me in
      I've Got a few pennies, I'm gonna buy myself a bottle of gin
      I'm gonna call my buddy on the telephone
      and say Let's go get stoned

      Now Listen
      You know I work so hard, all day long
      Everything I try to do, Seem to always turn out wrong
      That's why I wanna stop by on my way home and say
      Let's go get stoned

  3. elpinche

    barry: "Wazzup oranigga! Congratulations . You just won the position of veto bitch. After I bone Michelle, I'm going to the store to buy a special pen with orange ink for all those muthafuckin vetoes. See ya , you sunbleached tangerine."

    1. Serolf_Divad

      "I'm going to the store to buy a special pen with orange ink for all those muthafuckin vetoes."

      This should be a bumper sticker or something.

      1. CrankyLttlCamperette

        I think we need some orange ink pens printed with "Muthafuckin' Veto Pen" on the side in our fine Wonkette Mercantile Emporium.

        Ken? Please?

  4. SayItWithWookies

    "Hey John — I was just sitting here in the orange room, oiling my catcher's mitt and jonesing for a smoke when something reminded me that I should call you."

  5. ttommyunger

    In my wildest dream: "Look, Motherfucker, let's be clear-I wouldn't piss in your mouth if your stomach was on fire, just so you know."

  6. jus_wonderin

    "Yes, this is Blanche Hudson. What seems to be the trouble? I'm afraid there's been some misunderstanding. I certainly didn't mean to suggest…that you shouldn't fill any orders for her. After all, we do pay our bills, don't we?"

  7. MildMidwesterner

    I'm a white midwesterner and sometimes have trouble understanding gray areas of humor. Is this post mildly racist?

    1. WarAndGee

      Only if you believe calling out Orange folks who shill for big corporations and the mega wealthy elite while selling out the middle class is racist, then yes.

      1. V572625694

        And let's not forget distributing tobacco lobby campaign contributions bribe checks to members on the floor of the House.

  8. Not_So_Much

    What?! He waits a whole day to call the SF Giants on the baseball thingy, but calls Soylent Orange right off the bat? Could he even understand him through the lung-biscuit hacking and constant sobbing?

  9. WhatTheHeck

    Hey, even the clock in the president's office is leaning to the left.

    If Boehner were sitting in that office, he would totally blend in with the orange wall in the background.

  10. Lucidamente1

    Don't forget the daily visits to the Sarah Palin tanning bed, which is being flown to DC as we speak.

    1. Sparky_McGruff

      I don't think it's a tanning bed… I think it's borderline cirrhosis + massive quantities of nicotine.

  11. Bluestatelibel

    Ew, just like all the fun of calling your mother-in-law. An orange, drunk, raspy-voiced mother-in-law. I'm sure Boner was too hung over to be able to say much though.

  12. chickensmack

    Two things, John. You may be Speaker now, but only my feet go on top of this here desk. When you come in here to visit, I may even block you from view by stickin' my feet in the way.

    Second, I like Kools. Don't judge.

    1. V572625694

      In Thailand (and maybe elsewhere, who knows?) showing the soles of your feet or shoes to another person is a profound insult. Maybe Boehner's a Secret Siamese.

  13. charlesdegoal

    Have they ever heard of cordless phones at the White House? They probably have a full-time staff person in charge of undoing the knots.

  14. widestanceroman

    The gays tell me if you push out when Pelosi gives you that gavel back, it won't hurt so damn bad.

    1. SheriffRoscoe

      Hey! Everybody knows that you have to want it for it to feel good. It has to turn you on. Boehner's gonna be stone cold hoopin and a-hollerin when he takes the gavel.

  15. BaldarTFlagass

    Ah shit. Right you are. Fucking work is distracting me from full posting alertness.

    ETA But I still got some thumbs up. WTF?

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Heck, all my best comments just come from repeating what others have said before me, editing for concision, clarity and context.

      We're all just a bunch of overgrown kindergarteners, cracking each other up with the same jokes over and over again.

  16. __kth__

    Barry was indeed hoping for that Chivas, stogie, and Miles (or maybe the MJQ, tasty too) with Boehner. But Boehner could barely hear him over the cranked up Hank Williams, Jr., beer-bonging, etc., at campaign HQ. So Barry somewhat sadly hung up the phone.

    1. HistoriCat

      Boehner could hear him just fine but he put Obama on speaker phone and was too busy making faces/hand-gestures while trying to keep everyone else in the room from laughing out loud.

  17. Troubledog

    i pick you up late at night after work
    i said "lady, step inside my Hyundai"
    i'm gonna take you up to Glendale
    gonna take you for a real good meal
    cos when our eyes did meet
    girl you know i was packin' heat
    ain't no use in wastin' no time gettin' to know each other
    cos only you got a thing
    that i just got to get with

    i wanna get with you
    and your sister
    i think her name's Debra

    1. Extemporanus

      Nice, Troubledog.

      ♪♫ I'm a…I'm a full-grown man….and I'm not a…afraid to…to…CRYYY! ♪♫

      An even better Obama vs. Boehner phone call cut might be this Beck vs. Pharrell vs. Jay Z mashup by DJ Reset that's groovier than the sum of its parts:

      "Frontin' on Debra"

      (And that shit's on iTunes & Amazon if ya want it, Dog…)

  18. sussemilch

    "What? … Hell no I ain't doing that …. no … no … no, you should have thought of that when you were handing out promises like crackerjack. … No, well, I guess it sucks to be you. … Yeah, I bet you will. … Uh-huh. … Just so you know, I bought a special box of pens to celebrate vetoing your Boehner bullshit. … Yeah baby, dick in a box. Suck it."

  19. PublicLuxury

    Does boner remember the call? He's was obviously lit last night sooooo maybe he doesn't remember agreeing to muscling President Obama's agenda through the House. Boy won't he be surprised?

  20. StillGoinGreen

    Boehner: "This is John Boehner"

    Obama: "John, I just wanted to take a few minutes to congratulate you on this historic night. Now John, you do know that, as Speaker of the House, you MUST be available more than your usual 15-20 hrs a week, right?"

    Boehner: (Silence)

    Obama: "John?"

    Boehner: "I'm not available right now – but please leave a message at the beep…beeeeeeep!"

  21. PublicLuxury

    Every elitist know that republitards cannot do teh maths. Teh maths is hard. You have to carry and regroup and know your times tables and know which number goes outside the little house when you divide… Its a lot to think about.

    1. StillGoinGreen

      Too many gazintas! All Tangatard knows is that every time he gazinta the tanning booth, he feels a little prettier!! (Sob…snort…sob)

      1. CrankyLttlCamperette

        Yes. Win. P-points and whore diamonds and trucknutz. Also.

        Forget "A Christmas Story," "The Ref" is one of my family's cherished holiday traditions…

  22. whiskeybaby

    Also, that picture consoles me on this dark day that at least we still have Barry to look at — the hottest person that ever has or ever will sit in that chair. Unless Viggo Mortensen gets elected POTUS.

    1. marinmaven

      Thats what we need to do.

      1. On a daily basis, we need to bug every Republican/Teabagger and ask them if they balanced the budget yet or created any jobs yet. If they say no, not yet, we say they gotta get kicked to the curb in 2012.
      2. Start a count of the number of days of the Republican downturn. They are in charge now. They were in charge last night. It's not Obama's economy anymore. It's the teabag economy.
      3. Start rumor that Boner is an alien from Oompaloompastan. Ask him to explain the skin tone. Question is birth certificate. Photoshop him into classic stills of the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

  23. Tigersmistress

    "Hey John, I was just sitting here having a 40 oz. listening to some Roseanne Cash and thought of you"

    1. comrad_darkness

      It's from the acute pain in his tobacco stained and weakened heart. Or that's how I choose to imagine it.

  24. Mindblank

    "John, congratulations on your stunning victory. I know you're flushed with pride. Also, cross me and I will cut you, motherfucker."

    Though I suppose 'flushed orange' isn't even in the large Crayola set.

  25. DaSandman

    Yo, Boner. Turn about is fair play, bitch. Enjoy the next two years of gridlock that I plan to blame on your sorry orange as Florida fruit ass. Game on asshat :).

  26. problemwithcaring

    I love how he is finalizing his fantasy football picks at the same time. Ain't shit changed, bitches!

  27. capitolhillblly

    "Kind of Blue" might not be quite the right hue for Brother Boner. He would probably groove to "Orange Skies" by Love …

  28. Wadisay

    "Bad Moon Risin'" was written about the nomination of Nixon at the Repub's 1968 Miami convention, the "bad moon" being the proverbial moon over Miami. Similar forces of evil are at work in the world today.

  29. TheSheriffsNear

    "…because your dumb intern put him in the Rolodex under “colored guys.”

    Pure, distilled win. Despite being a connoiseur of your acidic jerimiads, some times less is more, Ken.

  30. HOFAH

    I thought that was Mrs. Boehner who cried during sex or maybe she just lies back and thinks of Ohio.

  31. Wadisay

    Please, God, don't let Barry be thinking, must…compromise…harder…to…achieve…bipartisanship.

  32. kenlayisalive

    Well, I don't want to rush to judgement, but he is potentially halfway through his gig here.

    I don't want to show my ignorance (god knows its often not hard to see), but I've never understood – though many people have said this to me – why "he can't be more aggressive because he is Black". If that is, of course, what you mean by the last sentence.

    1. snoopyfan2010

      No, what I meant was that Boehner can't be more conservative because he is orange. Why can't you keep up with these posts??? Ugh! Jesus take the wheel!!!

      On the other hand, if you are referring to Obama, what I meant was that the side effect of his being the first Black (capatilized because it is a proper noun) president is that he is analyzed with more depth. So everything he does is amplified, good and bad, as if he were super human. And then he becomes a symbol for everyone who is like him. I am sure the same would happen to anyone else who didn't fit the mold.

      1. kenlayisalive

        Haha. You'd think having an orange Boehner would make this a pretty cool country, but no.

        Well, I wish he would just fucking go for broke, for what that's worth. Assume that America is mostly not going to worry about his race, because if that was strong in the collective American mind, he never would have gotten elected in the first place. If that even possible for America not to think about race, of course.

        As it is, I'm afraid he's not proving much of anything now. Now he looks kind of like a lame guy. And who knows what kind of new stereotypical bullshit barriers will get put into the American cultural and political subconsciousness if he goes down as a failure. That's what I'm worried about.

        Because someday I'd like to see Boehner be president, and I'm afraid if this half-Black guy muffs it, we'll never be able to accept a weeping, 100% Orange, leathery reptile in a suit as our commander-in-cheif.

  33. BTWBFDIMHO

    The Dept. of Homeland Security raised the Alert Level to Red once they realized his first name is Hussein.

  34. Chet Kincaid

    Yeah, it's been kind of a gray and grainy, melancholy-frustration-with-the-state-of-the-nation-and-my-crappy-job day for me. I think I'll swallow some uppers and downers and row out to a rock in the middle of Lake Michigan. You stop dancin'.

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