ORANGE BOOTY CALL  11:53 am November 3, 2010

Obama Drunk Dials John Boehner

by Ken Layne

'What are you wearing?'When the war is over, in the wee small hours, when your tie is loosened and you just want to have a cigarette and bullshit on the phone with another brother who likes his smokes, that’s when you open the last bottle and put Kind of Blue on the stereo and accidentally call John Boehner, because your dumb intern put him in the Rolodex under “colored guys.” [White House Flickr/Pete Souza]


Hola wonkerados.

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Badonkadonkette November 3, 2010 at 11:53 am

He's got that "You should probably get tested" look on his face.

Crank_Tango November 3, 2010 at 11:54 am

"ball's in your court now, asshole. Oh yeah, what sort of leadership position did you have planned for crazy-eyes? Good luck with that."

snoopyfan2010 November 3, 2010 at 12:37 pm

I fully expect the Repuclican House to fix the economy and get everyone jobs within the first two months of 2011. Am I being unreasonable???

Crank_Tango November 3, 2010 at 1:11 pm

Too late!

Obama gets blamed for shit Bush did, so fuck'em.

kenlayisalive November 3, 2010 at 4:53 pm

Here's my idea: They just might.

We know the bank and corporations are sitting on heaping buttloads of cash right now. So, election is over, Chamber of Commerce holds a meeting, says, "Okay fellas, we swung the election, now let's drop unemployment by 1.5 percent in two months." A minor surge in hiring, and bingo, it's done. Repugs look like geniuses.

That's how concentrated corporate power is these days. Why wouldn't they do that? Too conspiratorial? I don't think so. That's how they swing elections in South America, except usually the big corporations hoard a staple food item for a few months until everyone is pissed. Here, they're doing it with jobs.

Call me crazy, but that's my theory.

snoopyfan2010 November 3, 2010 at 6:36 pm

Close. I actually think it is a self fulfilling prophecy for them. They hold off on hiring because they are told that the economy is bad….then people start loosing business because people hold off on spending because they are told that their jobs are at risk….theeeeeeennnnnn companies lay people off because of the drop in revenue…………..theeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnn more people are laid off and so on and so on. So yes, I think your theory is probably likely. The trick would be to get the general public to buy into the theory that the economy is suddenly getting better without making Barry look good.

kenlayisalive November 3, 2010 at 6:49 pm

That's a good point. It would have to be closely linked to a legislative initiative of theirs, or we'll just all have to suffer until 2012, when they win. And by that time, they can just call the damage systemic and start another war.

That's where Barry is fucking up – he is trying to placate the tiny group of people who don't care if the economy gets good again (as they are already massively loaded). They can basically tell him and his base to eat shit for four years, while they sit on their cash. But instead of Barry trying to fight them on it or do an end-around by trying to pass laws requiring lending, or creating public jobs to fill the gap, or allowing unions to form and negotiate some of the stagnant cash away form the holders, he's trying to compromise with them on issues in which they hold all of the cards.

Some fucking three dimensional chess player this guy turned out to be.

jim89048 November 3, 2010 at 6:45 pm

I have little doubt that's how they've suppressed hiring these last two years, as well.

Failed_2_Menace November 3, 2010 at 11:55 am


Beowoof November 3, 2010 at 11:55 am

Hey John come on over and bring a carton of Marlboro and lets talk. Which means Obama will probably resign and turn the job over to Boner by the end the meeting. Biden will go if they give him a Dunkin Donut franchise in Dover.

metamarcisf November 3, 2010 at 11:55 am

Obama should turn off "Kind of Blue" by Miles Davis and put on "Sandinista" by the Clash

elviouslyqueer November 3, 2010 at 12:08 pm

No no. "Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables" by the Dead Kennedys.

metamarcisf November 3, 2010 at 12:54 pm

And the definitive version of "Viva Las Vegas"

Progressiveinga November 3, 2010 at 12:12 pm

I was thinking "Bad Moon Rising" by CCR

Hope you got your things together
Hope you are quite prepared to die
Looks like we're in for nasty weather
One eye is taken for an eye

HurricaneAli November 3, 2010 at 12:42 pm

Thank you, I never could quite make out the last line of that stanza.

jim89048 November 3, 2010 at 6:49 pm

"There's a baboon on the right".

Troubledog November 3, 2010 at 12:27 pm

Midnite Vultures

V572625694 November 3, 2010 at 12:31 pm

Pete Seeger: "Waist Deep in the Big Muddy."

Clancy_Pants November 3, 2010 at 12:55 pm

Hanson: "Mmmm Bop"

Mmm bop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du

HurricaneAli November 3, 2010 at 3:00 pm

Hanson = protoJonas Bros.

Lascauxcaveman November 3, 2010 at 2:07 pm

I was thinking "Tone Soul Evolution" by Apples in Stereo. No, it's not related in any special way to today's political situation, it's just a freaking great record.

deelzebub November 3, 2010 at 3:11 pm

NOFX Idiots Are Taking Over

darwin's rollin over in his coffin
the fittest are surviving much less often
now everything seems to be reversing, and it's worsening
someone flopped a steamer in the gene pool
now angry mob mentality's no longer the exception, it's the rule
and im startin to feel a lot like charlton heston
stranded on a primate planet
apes and orangutans that ran it to the ground
with generals and the armies that obeyed them
followers following fables
philosophies that enable them to rule without regard

there's no point for democracy when ignorance is celebrated
political scientists get the same one vote as some Arkansas inbred
majority rule, don't work in mental institutions
sometimes the smallest softest voice carries the grand biggest solutions

Beowoof November 3, 2010 at 3:56 pm

Oh he should playing "Had Enough" by the Who over and over.

Chet Kincaid November 3, 2010 at 4:09 pm

The Entwistle-penned one, or the one from Quadrophenia? Or both?

ingloriousbytch November 3, 2010 at 7:39 pm

I suggest "Let's Go Get Stoned" by Ray Charles

Let's go get stoned Yeah….
Oh….Let's go get stoned
Let's go get stoned
Oh….Let's go get stoned
Now wait a minute
You know my baby, she won't let me in
I've Got a few pennies, I'm gonna buy myself a bottle of gin
I'm gonna call my buddy on the telephone
and say Let's go get stoned

Now Listen
You know I work so hard, all day long
Everything I try to do, Seem to always turn out wrong
That's why I wanna stop by on my way home and say
Let's go get stoned

elpinche November 3, 2010 at 11:57 am

barry: "Wazzup oranigga! Congratulations . You just won the position of veto bitch. After I bone Michelle, I'm going to the store to buy a special pen with orange ink for all those muthafuckin vetoes. See ya , you sunbleached tangerine."

Serolf_Divad November 3, 2010 at 12:19 pm

"I'm going to the store to buy a special pen with orange ink for all those muthafuckin vetoes."

This should be a bumper sticker or something.

CrankyLttlCamperette November 3, 2010 at 5:39 pm

I think we need some orange ink pens printed with "Muthafuckin' Veto Pen" on the side in our fine Wonkette Mercantile Emporium.

Ken? Please?

marinmaven November 3, 2010 at 8:11 pm

Send one to the President with luv and kisses from Wonkette.

Dashboard_Jesus November 4, 2010 at 1:45 am

fucking epic WIN!

bitchincamaro2 November 3, 2010 at 11:57 am

"Hey Basketballskin, ready for some hoops?"

blogslut November 3, 2010 at 11:58 am

He's probably spelling O HELL on that fancy calculator he's got in his hands.

AutomaticPilot November 3, 2010 at 1:33 pm


SayItWithWookies November 3, 2010 at 11:59 am

"Hey John — I was just sitting here in the orange room, oiling my catcher's mitt and jonesing for a smoke when something reminded me that I should call you."

ttommyunger November 3, 2010 at 11:59 am

In my wildest dream: "Look, Motherfucker, let's be clear-I wouldn't piss in your mouth if your stomach was on fire, just so you know."

jus_wonderin November 3, 2010 at 12:00 pm

"Yes, this is Blanche Hudson. What seems to be the trouble? I'm afraid there's been some misunderstanding. I certainly didn't mean to suggest…that you shouldn't fill any orders for her. After all, we do pay our bills, don't we?"

metamarcisf November 3, 2010 at 12:56 pm

That Bette Davis!

SnarkoMarx November 3, 2010 at 12:01 pm

"Orange you glad I didn't say banana?" *click*

MildMidwesterner November 3, 2010 at 12:02 pm

I'm a white midwesterner and sometimes have trouble understanding gray areas of humor. Is this post mildly racist?

Ken Layne November 3, 2010 at 12:04 pm

Probably! You'd have to check with DailyKos or something, to be sure.

WarAndGee November 3, 2010 at 12:08 pm

Only if you believe calling out Orange folks who shill for big corporations and the mega wealthy elite while selling out the middle class is racist, then yes.

V572625694 November 3, 2010 at 12:34 pm

And let's not forget distributing tobacco lobby campaign contributions bribe checks to members on the floor of the House.

Badonkadonkette November 3, 2010 at 12:59 pm

I say no. Being orange is a lifestyle choice.

Beowoof November 3, 2010 at 3:58 pm

Give Jane Hamasher at FireDogLake a call.

Not_So_Much November 3, 2010 at 12:02 pm

What?! He waits a whole day to call the SF Giants on the baseball thingy, but calls Soylent Orange right off the bat? Could he even understand him through the lung-biscuit hacking and constant sobbing?

WhatTheHeck November 3, 2010 at 12:02 pm

Hey, even the clock in the president's office is leaning to the left.

If Boehner were sitting in that office, he would totally blend in with the orange wall in the background.

OCKerouac November 3, 2010 at 12:10 pm

Look closer. HE'S IN THE ROOM!!

SudsMcKenzie November 3, 2010 at 12:03 pm

Band of Tanned Brothers.

FNMA November 3, 2010 at 12:06 pm

Boehner? I barely knew her! Get it! Get it!

Lucidamente1 November 3, 2010 at 12:06 pm

Don't forget the daily visits to the Sarah Palin tanning bed, which is being flown to DC as we speak.

Sparky_McGruff November 3, 2010 at 12:09 pm

I don't think it's a tanning bed… I think it's borderline cirrhosis + massive quantities of nicotine.

Gratuitous World November 3, 2010 at 12:06 pm

Hello sir, Is your tanning bed running…?

BaldarTFlagass November 3, 2010 at 12:07 pm

"So, what are you wearing?"

Bluestatelibel November 3, 2010 at 12:08 pm

Ew, just like all the fun of calling your mother-in-law. An orange, drunk, raspy-voiced mother-in-law. I'm sure Boner was too hung over to be able to say much though.

Come here a minute November 3, 2010 at 12:16 pm

"Yes, it was a great leap for Orangekind."

chickensmack November 3, 2010 at 12:24 pm

Two things, John. You may be Speaker now, but only my feet go on top of this here desk. When you come in here to visit, I may even block you from view by stickin' my feet in the way.

Second, I like Kools. Don't judge.

V572625694 November 3, 2010 at 12:38 pm

In Thailand (and maybe elsewhere, who knows?) showing the soles of your feet or shoes to another person is a profound insult. Maybe Boehner's a Secret Siamese.

OkieDokieDog November 3, 2010 at 12:25 pm

America has spoken: Orange is the new black.

charlesdegoal November 3, 2010 at 12:26 pm

Have they ever heard of cordless phones at the White House? They probably have a full-time staff person in charge of undoing the knots.

widestanceroman November 3, 2010 at 12:27 pm

The gays tell me if you push out when Pelosi gives you that gavel back, it won't hurt so damn bad.

SheriffRoscoe November 3, 2010 at 12:31 pm

Hey! Everybody knows that you have to want it for it to feel good. It has to turn you on. Boehner's gonna be stone cold hoopin and a-hollerin when he takes the gavel.

BaldarTFlagass November 3, 2010 at 12:27 pm

Ah shit. Right you are. Fucking work is distracting me from full posting alertness.

ETA But I still got some thumbs up. WTF?

Lascauxcaveman November 3, 2010 at 2:23 pm

Heck, all my best comments just come from repeating what others have said before me, editing for concision, clarity and context.

We're all just a bunch of overgrown kindergarteners, cracking each other up with the same jokes over and over again.

__kth__ November 3, 2010 at 12:28 pm

Barry was indeed hoping for that Chivas, stogie, and Miles (or maybe the MJQ, tasty too) with Boehner. But Boehner could barely hear him over the cranked up Hank Williams, Jr., beer-bonging, etc., at campaign HQ. So Barry somewhat sadly hung up the phone.

HistoriCat November 3, 2010 at 1:36 pm

Boehner could hear him just fine but he put Obama on speaker phone and was too busy making faces/hand-gestures while trying to keep everyone else in the room from laughing out loud.

Troubledog November 3, 2010 at 12:29 pm

i pick you up late at night after work
i said "lady, step inside my Hyundai"
i'm gonna take you up to Glendale
gonna take you for a real good meal
cos when our eyes did meet
girl you know i was packin' heat
ain't no use in wastin' no time gettin' to know each other
cos only you got a thing
that i just got to get with

i wanna get with you
and your sister
i think her name's Debra

Extemporanus November 3, 2010 at 2:13 pm

Nice, Troubledog.

♪♫ I'm a…I'm a full-grown man….and I'm not a…afraid to…to…CRYYY! ♪♫

An even better Obama vs. Boehner phone call cut might be this Beck vs. Pharrell vs. Jay Z mashup by DJ Reset that's groovier than the sum of its parts:

"Frontin' on Debra"

(And that shit's on iTunes & Amazon if ya want it, Dog…)

JustPixelz November 3, 2010 at 12:30 pm

I'm sure Boehner will act with the 230 seat mandate the Demoncrats lacked with 255 seats.

sussemilch November 3, 2010 at 12:30 pm

"What? … Hell no I ain't doing that …. no … no … no, you should have thought of that when you were handing out promises like crackerjack. … No, well, I guess it sucks to be you. … Yeah, I bet you will. … Uh-huh. … Just so you know, I bought a special box of pens to celebrate vetoing your Boehner bullshit. … Yeah baby, dick in a box. Suck it."

mrpuma2u November 3, 2010 at 1:31 pm

Win. I chuckled out loud heartily. I want one of those pens. I would frame it.

bitchincamaro2 November 3, 2010 at 2:26 pm

3 thumbs up, if I could. Dick in a box, indeed. Ha.

PublicLuxury November 3, 2010 at 12:34 pm

Does boner remember the call? He's was obviously lit last night sooooo maybe he doesn't remember agreeing to muscling President Obama's agenda through the House. Boy won't he be surprised?

wegot2dobetter November 3, 2010 at 12:35 pm

I'd like to speak to the colored man…

StillGoinGreen November 3, 2010 at 12:36 pm

Boehner: "This is John Boehner"

Obama: "John, I just wanted to take a few minutes to congratulate you on this historic night. Now John, you do know that, as Speaker of the House, you MUST be available more than your usual 15-20 hrs a week, right?"

Boehner: (Silence)

Obama: "John?"

Boehner: "I'm not available right now – but please leave a message at the beep…beeeeeeep!"

PublicLuxury November 3, 2010 at 12:38 pm

Every elitist know that republitards cannot do teh maths. Teh maths is hard. You have to carry and regroup and know your times tables and know which number goes outside the little house when you divide… Its a lot to think about.

StillGoinGreen November 3, 2010 at 12:47 pm

Too many gazintas! All Tangatard knows is that every time he gazinta the tanning booth, he feels a little prettier!! (Sob…snort…sob)

HurricaneAli November 3, 2010 at 12:40 pm

That was beautifully poetic.

VinnyThePooh November 3, 2010 at 12:47 pm

"Three times, John. She said you never went three times, John."

imissopus November 3, 2010 at 12:59 pm

I would like to give you 100p for referencing The Ref.

CrankyLttlCamperette November 3, 2010 at 5:48 pm

Yes. Win. P-points and whore diamonds and trucknutz. Also.

Forget "A Christmas Story," "The Ref" is one of my family's cherished holiday traditions…

VinnyThePooh November 3, 2010 at 11:09 pm

Slipper socks! Medium!

whiskeybaby November 3, 2010 at 12:55 pm

Also, that picture consoles me on this dark day that at least we still have Barry to look at — the hottest person that ever has or ever will sit in that chair. Unless Viggo Mortensen gets elected POTUS.

Lascauxcaveman November 3, 2010 at 2:32 pm

I'm thinking more along the lines of Halle Berry, but to each his own.

VinnyThePooh November 3, 2010 at 1:01 pm

It's November 3rd. Where are the promised jobs, John? Where?

marinmaven November 3, 2010 at 8:33 pm

Thats what we need to do.

1. On a daily basis, we need to bug every Republican/Teabagger and ask them if they balanced the budget yet or created any jobs yet. If they say no, not yet, we say they gotta get kicked to the curb in 2012.
2. Start a count of the number of days of the Republican downturn. They are in charge now. They were in charge last night. It's not Obama's economy anymore. It's the teabag economy.
3. Start rumor that Boner is an alien from Oompaloompastan. Ask him to explain the skin tone. Question is birth certificate. Photoshop him into classic stills of the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

Tigersmistress November 3, 2010 at 1:03 pm

"Hey John, I was just sitting here having a 40 oz. listening to some Roseanne Cash and thought of you"

Beowoof November 3, 2010 at 4:06 pm

Don't forget the fatty, nothing goes together like a forty and a fatty.

Tigersmistress November 3, 2010 at 1:04 pm

Bet his hand gets tired of the tears…

comrad_darkness November 3, 2010 at 1:39 pm

It's from the acute pain in his tobacco stained and weakened heart. Or that's how I choose to imagine it.

Mindblank November 3, 2010 at 1:05 pm

"John, congratulations on your stunning victory. I know you're flushed with pride. Also, cross me and I will cut you, motherfucker."

Though I suppose 'flushed orange' isn't even in the large Crayola set.

DaSandman November 3, 2010 at 1:09 pm

Yo, Boner. Turn about is fair play, bitch. Enjoy the next two years of gridlock that I plan to blame on your sorry orange as Florida fruit ass. Game on asshat :).

problemwithcaring November 3, 2010 at 1:11 pm

I love how he is finalizing his fantasy football picks at the same time. Ain't shit changed, bitches!

capitolhillblly November 3, 2010 at 1:42 pm

"Kind of Blue" might not be quite the right hue for Brother Boner. He would probably groove to "Orange Skies" by Love …

jim89048 November 3, 2010 at 7:05 pm

Arthur Lee ftw!

Wadisay November 3, 2010 at 1:54 pm

"Bad Moon Risin'" was written about the nomination of Nixon at the Repub's 1968 Miami convention, the "bad moon" being the proverbial moon over Miami. Similar forces of evil are at work in the world today.

TheSheriffsNear November 3, 2010 at 2:02 pm

"…because your dumb intern put him in the Rolodex under “colored guys.”

Pure, distilled win. Despite being a connoiseur of your acidic jerimiads, some times less is more, Ken.

HOFAH November 3, 2010 at 2:26 pm

I thought that was Mrs. Boehner who cried during sex or maybe she just lies back and thinks of Ohio.

OneYieldRegular November 3, 2010 at 2:30 pm

"John, that was one TERRIFIC Pat Schroeder impersonation. Good night, and good luck."

Wadisay November 3, 2010 at 3:33 pm

Please, God, don't let Barry be thinking, must…compromise…harder…to…achieve…bipartisanship.

GOPCrusher November 3, 2010 at 4:09 pm

Hey John, I got yer veto right here! See ya at the impeachment hearings, beeyotch.

transfatz November 3, 2010 at 7:02 pm

This is a little O/T. I'm (mostly) straight but that sure is one good looking man.

marinmaven November 3, 2010 at 8:15 pm

My goodness, I just got all warm inside. Silver linings. Especially the last one.

kenlayisalive November 3, 2010 at 8:40 pm

Well, I don't want to rush to judgement, but he is potentially halfway through his gig here.

I don't want to show my ignorance (god knows its often not hard to see), but I've never understood – though many people have said this to me – why "he can't be more aggressive because he is Black". If that is, of course, what you mean by the last sentence.

snoopyfan2010 November 3, 2010 at 9:34 pm

No, what I meant was that Boehner can't be more conservative because he is orange. Why can't you keep up with these posts??? Ugh! Jesus take the wheel!!!

On the other hand, if you are referring to Obama, what I meant was that the side effect of his being the first Black (capatilized because it is a proper noun) president is that he is analyzed with more depth. So everything he does is amplified, good and bad, as if he were super human. And then he becomes a symbol for everyone who is like him. I am sure the same would happen to anyone else who didn't fit the mold.

kenlayisalive November 3, 2010 at 9:56 pm

Haha. You'd think having an orange Boehner would make this a pretty cool country, but no.

Well, I wish he would just fucking go for broke, for what that's worth. Assume that America is mostly not going to worry about his race, because if that was strong in the collective American mind, he never would have gotten elected in the first place. If that even possible for America not to think about race, of course.

As it is, I'm afraid he's not proving much of anything now. Now he looks kind of like a lame guy. And who knows what kind of new stereotypical bullshit barriers will get put into the American cultural and political subconsciousness if he goes down as a failure. That's what I'm worried about.

Because someday I'd like to see Boehner be president, and I'm afraid if this half-Black guy muffs it, we'll never be able to accept a weeping, 100% Orange, leathery reptile in a suit as our commander-in-cheif.

JackObin November 3, 2010 at 9:12 pm

I would have had "Bitches Brew" on the stereo, and dropped a number of motherfucker bombs.

Beowoof November 3, 2010 at 9:39 pm

I had read once it was Barclay's which would seem appropriate being named after a bank and all.

BTWBFDIMHO November 3, 2010 at 10:49 pm

The Dept. of Homeland Security raised the Alert Level to Red once they realized his first name is Hussein.

Chet Kincaid November 4, 2010 at 12:08 am

Yeah, it's been kind of a gray and grainy, melancholy-frustration-with-the-state-of-the-nation-and-my-crappy-job day for me. I think I'll swallow some uppers and downers and row out to a rock in the middle of Lake Michigan. You stop dancin'.

NadePaulKuciGravMcKi November 4, 2010 at 8:40 am

Obama protects criminals
Boehner must protect criminals

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