What’s up, cancer man? You ready to bring dignity or whatever back to the House of Representatives, where you’ve been for two entire decades? Let’s do a mop-up liveblog and think about chasing the American Dream, with a gun.
12:49 AM — Obama called John Boehner! And Boehner answered! “Yeahh, *sniff sniff* I’m here, oh man I’m so trashed, goddammit, but we won good, *cough* … I gotta take a leak hang on–” And then Boehner passes out on the toilet and the federal government is charged 348 cell-phone minutes.
12:51 AM — But good lord, 54 seats for the GOP (or the Tea Party or god knows what it’s called now, the White Faith Party?).
12:52 AM — We should probably post this before our last readers also fall off the toilet.
12:54 AM — Our Hour Six Liveblog is right here, all about the California Freakout.
1:08 AM — Your editor has done six or seven hours of liveblogging on two beers and a salad. Michelle Obama would be so proud.
1:09 AM — Colorado is still tied. But the Senate 2010 map is starting to look a lot like the 2004 Jesusland map. Progress!
1:17 AM — Rick Santelli, a rat-faced sociopath back-bencher from a cable channel for day traders, is being interviewed by Brian Williams on NBC because Rick Santelli is the moral face of the Tea Party. (He hates working Americans.)
1:21 AM — 5,000 votes separate Buck & Bennet in Colorado, and Ken Buck suddenly got a mysterious 30,000 vote surge. Hahaha, all because the Associated Press “accidentally” put 30,000 votes for Bennet in the Buck column. What?
1:24 AM — CBS says fifty-seven House pickups for the GOP.
1:25 AM — And Jerry Brown’s at about 50-45 over Whitman at the moment, while confused teevee reporters who usually cover the Golden Globes red carpet or whatever try to act like they’ve even heard of elections before today.
1:27 AM — Boxer is still awaiting Fiorina’s concession phone call. 48-47, with LA and SF yet to be counted.
1:31 AM — Some kind of Alaskan monster called “WRITE IN” is leading the Alaska Senate race with 40%, haw haw.
1:34 AM — And now Barack Obama is exactly Ronald Reagan + Bill Clinton, as all three presidents were in recessions and lost a bunch of Congress in the midterms of their first term. So says the Cable News. If cable news existed in the 1930s, we would also hear that Barack Obama is exactly FDR.
2:03 AM — Jerry Brown is giving his Victory Speech, in a theater he built from the bones of Oakland. He looks great, ad-libbing, philosophizing, arts and military, urban renewal, charter schools, etc. God knows how he’s going to do anything in this wreck of a state ….
2:10 AM — Meanwhile, Meg Whitman refuses to be smoked out of her cave. She won’t concede.
2:16 AM — Carly Fiorina, looking truly deranged, her eyes rolling wildly, shrugging comically, sing-songing “We’ve got a neeewwww House speaker, wonderful John Boehner!” Now she’s saying the race can’t be called, 36% counted, SPLIT SCREEN on Boxer HQ, is Boxer coming out? Not yet.
2:18 AM — It’s going to be a long night … except Boxer is now onstage, at her HQ, and she’s giving a victory speech? Yes, pretty much. With 42% reporting and LA/Bay Area uncounted, she’s at 50-45.
2:25 AM — Still no concession from Sharron Angle, either. Gracious to the end.
2:35 AM — Whitman finally appears. Shitty orchestral music and fake hand-made signs: $163 million dollars. Refusing to concede in the middle of the night: Priceless.
2:37 AM — She is conceding. Well good for her.
2:38 AM — “We overcame so many obstacles.” Like what, not being to just buy Sacramento? We are sorry, this is actually a gracious speech.
2:38 AM — The crowd is not happy. They thought she would drag it out like Carly’s doing. Well hooray, Meg, and we hope you spend your next $165 million (or whatever it is; the total keeps going up!) on something useful, like California’s public school system, or a space colonization program, or alternative energy, or buying nature preserves, or bombing the Midwest.
2:54 AM — Good night, comrades! Thanks for hanging out with us on this Special Night, and for your tips and comments and lurves.
{ 136 comments }
Dear campaign stylists. Thou shalt not put an orange man in front of a vibrant blue background. Complimentary colors and all that.
I thought any man that cried in public over anything other that participating in a sports playoff or championship was immediately deemed a loser and shown the fucking door. What happened to America? John Wayne would not be amused.
a loser or a drunk. You pick. (and, yes, it can be both)
I'd cry too if I just just made $70,000 for every $1,000,000 a year I make.
This is a victory for the American people who sent a clear message to Washington. Those 2006 and 2008 elections happened in some other country, apparently.
I really don't feel comfortable with the words "Boehner" and "choked" so close together. I think that's what killed David Carradine.
Michael Hutchence fan club.
Wait, I thought he was crying because he was choking on a boner. No?
"A successful hanging-on night for Democrats."
So glad they have that west wing writer guy on MSNBC now to spin things.
if anyone can find video footage of a republican victory speech or interview that contains a cogent thought, please post it. it hasn't happened yet.
Lincoln's second inaugural address was pretty profound and moving and sensible. Of course he was shot dead within months of that. His fellow Republicans probably took that as a lesson.
What — too soon?
the descendants of the people who hated lincoln just gave the republicans a house majority. that family tree still has one branch after 150 years.
And I don't think the rope on it is used for a tire swing, either.
But they've grown. They used to believe that not all people have the same rights — and now they believe that not all people have the same rights as corporations.
aaaand that's the twisted horrible thing about the american dream, such as it is.
They had some repugnitcan ho-bag from Kentucky on MSNBC, and Chris Matthews was asking her what programs she was going to cut, and she just kept throwing out talking point polished turds at him. At least she had the shit memorized unlike sorry Sarah, and did not have to look at pen notes on her hand (or other place)
All of 'em!
He's the color of an electric stove coil on high. He is just that fucking brilliantly orange.
That's it! My stove now officially has three settings. Low, medium, and Boehner
Boxer is now LOSING to HP Lady? Do I have to move to MexiCanada?
In CA the urban areas always get counted last. I remain hopeful they projected her winning for a reason.
It's already been called for Babs. HP Lady is behind but barely. Not many votes counted in LA and SF.
Drunk.
Yep, he has the rubber mouth syndrome that always tells me when I've had a few too many. blub blub blub
In C-A stands Barbara Boxer
Politician by her trade
And she carries the reminders
Of waves back in the seventies
But still she shall cry out
With the West Coast and New England,
"I stand here with you, my children"
For the Senate Still Remains
Lilili, lililililililil, li li li.
Man up!
Someone get some man-pants on that Boehner!
Yes, the face of the daddy party that promises to beat back the turrists with their bare hands can't even keep it together for an acceptance speech. FEAR US, JIHADIS!
Hate to say it, but those taliban fuckers have more man in one strand of their beard than Boehner has in his whole orange family tree.
And here come the Alaska results. Write-ins ahead 39 to Miller's 35 and Dilbert McAdams' 25. Expect weeks of lulz as the intent of the write-ins is deciphered. THIS will be the Lizard People of 2010.
100 years from today when somebody Googles "boner" and "choked" this will be the first thing that pops up.
Not after I get done with Christine O'Donnell it won't.
Sorry. It's the scotch and sadness talking.
And our ghosts they will smile.
I don't know about you, but I plan to have my soul transfered into a new host body by then. Body replacements will be all the rage when this happens.
I knew this was a Ken post. I heart Wonkette. And that I know your writing. And I do miss Jim. And Sarah.
Aw look, somebody gets all mushy and sweet when they're drunk.
Like a vodka soaked pumpkin.
but then I pass out. Whether or not that's a good thing depends.
Aw, leave Vitter out of this.
very very good. How come my p went down? It had gone up in the last few days… was it those stupid trolls? Fuck them and the horse they fucked with Carl!
Little girl.
May I be the first to report here that, with 0.00000154% of precincts reporting, Murkowski is
defeatingkilling Miller in Alaska.Drunk.
Yep
My Dem senator is losing in Az. and I dont think I will be able to roll a dubie to celebrate our medical mary jane passing either. snake eyes for me tonight.
This whole miserable night reminded me of all the times I watched my brother-in-law plant my infant nephew in front of the tube, so maybe he would finally fucking shut the fuck up.
Except, in this case, the baby watches TV for a while, impeaches a load into his diaper, and then burns down the house.
Quayle 2012
On behalf of the state of Ohio, I want to apologize for John Boehner. I would say he's the worst thing to ever come out of my state, but we're also responsible for Rascal Flatts, so…
The Dope initiative is getting TROUNCED in California.
Oh, California. I remember when you used to be cool..
Why??? Someone tell me what the pundits are saying. Can't stomach any TV at the moment.
Sorry, go smoke weed on your own dime…
At least all state offices are going Dem except for AG.
Well the Mexican drug lords are happy. I bet they are smoking some good shit tonight!
The danger of illegality is sexy, apparently
You'd cry too if you realized what a proud day it is for Oompa-Loompa Americans.
Fuck you, America. Yeah, I said it.
The people have spoken. The bastards.
The fucking goldfish-brained retards and their goldfish-skinned leader.
i wrote that a couple of posts / hours ago. then i thought 'too soon' and deleted.
but you got it perfectly.
and so, i guess, tomorrow will be a new, very mockable day.
now i am going to bed and not waking up til well after noon pacific.
Today I can agree with this sentiment. We live in a nation of flat out retards who have basically said, keep sending my jobs to China.
This is what happens when you teach standardized testing instead of critical thinking. and alllow wide-spread homeschooling.
The Stupid have spoken!
As this violence was often directed against Socialists and Communists, the local government did not take action against the teabaggers. However, the national government, not concerned passed nothing. Teabaggers response was to organize a rally. At the meeting Teabaggers called for the overthrow of the government and even suggested that its leaders should be executed if things did not go the Teabaggers way.
Gleichschaltung ya ya ya
Rick Santelli, a rat-faced sociopath back-bencher from a cable channel for day traders, is being interviewed by Brian Williams on NBC because Rick Santelli is the moral face of the Tea Party. (He hates working Americans.)
Maybe since he thinks the Chicago stock exchange is a cross-section of America, he can easily get a job as a statistician if this reporting thing doesn't work out for him.
It'll be REID IN, WRITE IN, I need another drink.
jesus christ somebody order a pizza for ken.
I was planning on sending him a McDonald's Anus Burger, parcel-post, for Xmas.
(I'm traditional that way.)
East coaster going to bed. Dog bless the un-real Americans. All bite and no bark.
Hickenlooper poops on Tancredo. THANK FUCKING GOD.
Another grifter anointed asshole bites the dust.
Good news! They don't count Alaska's write in ballots until November 18th! Because recounts are sexy!
You know, even though Christine lost, in some way she still won – by which I mean I'll probably be too bummed out over these elections to masturbate tonight.
Yes, but you know she is rubbing out one hell of an orgasm as we type.
Fuck fuckity fuck. Fucking Speaker Boner. Mah fellah Murkins are just not very bright, collectively.
At least in Cali we got Moonbeam, and it looks like Babs will hold on, and 23 is going down, and 25 might pass, so the leg could go back to passing annual budgets by a majority vote, like every other bloody state in the Union. Of the Cali-related races, those were my top four.
Prop 19 would have been a good thing, but it hasn't looked good for several weeks — when even most Democratic pols (and the bloody Presidente of Mexico) are opposing it, it's easy for people who do not actually utilize the canvas to dither. And, believe it or not, 51% of the voters in California are not current smokers. And a good many of the current users have prescriptions. One hopes that the proponents will analyze the results and figure out how to optimize their message for the next try. (I'm not sure that stressing the tax revenues played that well with my kids and their friends, for example).
And we may be spared the embarrassment of a face-off between the State and the Justice Department. Still, it's a shame.
But the one race that really stings is my native state replacing Russ with a lying schmuck. That's beyond WTF for me. I mean, if Floridians really want to elect as their governor a massive corporate healthcare fraudster, or if Pennsylvanians are so split that the Repo squeaks by the Sleestak — well, FL and PA have their own political landscapes. But c'mon, Wisconsin, what is up with this? Did Feingold have too many principles for you? Shit.
Sane Minnesotans apologize if Bachmann's crazy rays and Pawlenty's moral depravity have leaked across the border.
Seriously, fucking Wisconsin. Dump Feingold? What the fuck, you fuckers!? Are you fucking kidding me?
Fuck.
Meanwhile, here in New York, Schumer & Gillibrand won easily, and the Dems ran the table on the big statewide offices (governor, attorney general, comptroller).
All thanks to an ossified Republican old guard–Pataki, 9/11 Rudy 9/11 Giuliani 9/11, Rick Lazio–and very special guest loony, Carl Paladino.
"Did Feingold have too many principles for you?" indeed. Honestly, love him or hate him, Feingold was one of the finest senators we've had in the Senate in decades. This guy is from the old school, when your word actually meant something.
And, here he is replaced by a cat-in-the-hat-looking muthafucka'. For shame, Wisconsin. For shame.
I see her transforming into "crazy cat lady" in a matter of days.
I expect her to begin teabagging Ensign tomorrow morning.
Other way around, dude. Other way around.
At least no one will be blaming Feingold's loss on him not being progressive enough.
Sorry. All I can do is giggle.
Meghan?
So who will be Preznit of Alaska– Ben Dover or Heywood Jablome? Or maybe Phil Inoval?
I wonder if the new House Speaker will reach out to moderate Republicans? I can see the headline now: Boehner Makes Big Tent.
Tomorrow will be a better day. No, wait–I'm going in for a root canal tomorrow. Still, a better day, as there's at least a good chance to stop the pain, unlike tonight.
Do not let us Americans out in the rain, we will drown.
When the dumbfucks who think elections are once every four years vote in 2012 everything will go back to normal.
Fuck, I'm bracing for what will be a fucked up four years if Medicare thief Rick Scott is elected governor.
No kidding. I never realized how many stupid fuckers lived in this state. At least i know there will be no cost of living increases in my salary for at least 4 more years. With any luck, I'll probably see my salary cut, for "fairness".
"Work More for Less" should be the state's (country's) new motto.
So, after all of this, are we Socialist or Fascist? I am so confused. I guess I'll just have to put on FOX News and find out.
Facialist.
There it is, the same crummy feeling as after the 2004 election. Wonderful.
It's even worse for me. My state went completely red. At least in '04 we had a hot, Democratic governor who is now about as popular as dirty. I feel so cut-off from Obama now it's not even funny. We literally have no one at the state level who will engage him as a friend or ally.
"12:52 AM — We should probably post this before our last readers also fall off the toilet."
Another reason why toilets don't belong next to windows.
What does it even mean? My eyes started watering…
What does it mean, indeed. I think this is the exact opposite of Double Rainbow guy
And I actually thought that if the Teabaggers won their insane, all caps, rants would stop. Stupid me.
The people have spoken…the bastards. - Dick Tuck, after losing a race in California to Richard Nixon.
Dear Christine, lady bug hero of the Tea Bag Patriots:
I'm going to bed now, and I'm going to jerk off in honor of Tea Bag Heroes everywhere. May the Republican victory be as short-lived as all those poor, confused sperms.
Hooray!
Sharron Angle is falling apart on television…as she is wont to do. Pitiful.
sounds like a beautiful consolation prize for everyone!
I just woke up to the GOPocalypse. Yay for California and Reid and such, but what the fuck, Wisconsin?! Thank Geezus, or I guess John Boehner now, that I live in Germany; no one here gives a shit if I start drinking at breakfast.
From You-Know-Who:
As always, proud to be American! Thanks, Commonsense Constitutional Conservatives,u didn't sit down & shut up…u "refudiated" extreme left
less than 20 seconds ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®
The glorification of stupidity continues. Never mind that she wouldn't have Twitter nor that BlackBerry if it weren't for the left-wing scientists who developed them (not to mention the previous left-wing scientists who originally determined the physical principles on which things like radio operate).
You know what, we smart folk brought this on ourselves, letting the dumbfuck masses have access to this technology.
Well, shit. I guess it's time for bed. Another election that leaves me wondering if the arc of history does not, in fact, tend toward teh stupid.
Duzzit to you?
Yes, people are stupid and I think getting stupider. Probably everywhere (well, maybe not Japan) but esp in the US, many people don't care about their education or being informed(Sarah Palin's not being able to name news sources she read is a widespread "illness"- you can be sure). The right are really the "sheep" -easily led and dumb and ready to go with whatever dog can best nip their butts.
If I drank, I would drink
Obama's chances of re-election went way UP tonight; now he has Bonehead and the GOP House to blame things on.
Let's hope so. Apparently the electorate is too stupid to have an attention span longer than two years.
I wish I could believe that, but the cognitive dissonance is so incredibly, fantastically high, that every single failure will still be blamed on the remaining Democrats in government. Boehner could walk right up to somebody, pull out a .45, and stone-cold murder him/her in cold blood, and the baggers would cry that it's the victim's fault for standing in the way of his bullet.
So all the Teaparty did for this country was give power back to the Grand Old Dinosaur party of Zombie Reagan. All that blather and bravado about revolution and people's uprising ended in this beautiful moment of status quo.
My rent is still too damn high.
Great – so for the next two years we'll have Michelle Bachmann investigating un-American activities and demanding Hopey's birth certificate. Good thing I haven't given up weed.
I've changed my username in honor of our "new America." Now I need to "raise" my p-points. But do you like?
Those of us in Ohio are going to be gerrymandered like $2 whores.
That's new?
No not new. We're pretty much a lost cause. I found it interesting that Jim Traficant, the assclown who was indicted for Racketeering while in congress and sent to PRISON actually got 30,000 votes in my district.
Anyway, our already butchered districts are going to look like Boehner's wrinkled, oranged face even more now.
Hah, Boehner isn't prepared to bring dignity to anything; he's just looking forward to the next time he get's to cold hand out tobacco money on the floor of the House again, once he single-handedly abolishes the FDA.
Wait till his lobbyist harlot writes her kiss-and-tell book! It'll be the biggest thing in Ohio since Jerry Springer gave his hooker a bad check!
whoa, Colorado. Buck & Bennet are still neck & neck. Count CO among those places I'll continue to enjoy visiting, forget about living, there.
I think it means "Me no understand math. Math evil." It's really inferential statistics but he has no more idea about that than the man in the moon. Who he probably believes in.
Boehner may be crying more soon. Bachmann is going to fight him for leadership. He's not the shoe-in he thinks he is. It's gonna be an epic battle of orange evil vs white bread crazy.
Uh..it's midnight in 'Murica. Did anyone use that yet? I passed out drunk.
Out here in the realz Warshington it looks like our beloved Patty Murray is heading back. The locales with outstanding votes make the C'Addle Timez say Dino Rossi = 3 time loser. Where is that troll da_di_da_apple?
This election was about voters being anti-incumbent. That's why Texas voted all of the same old Republican representatives, senators and the governor back into office. Wow, are we really this stupid?
It's been said before that the Tea Party is just a rebranding of the Republican Party that gives them a chance to avoid taking responsibility for their past mistakes. And so many people fell for it.
I agree with the high anti-incumbent sentiment. Some poll said that over 60% of people favored a theoretical scenario in which ALL reps and senators would be thrown out, and we started anew, with a bunch of political N00bs. It will never happen, but gawd would that be fun to watch if it did.
Now that those spend-happy House Democrats have lost their majority, Boehner and the Republicans can roll up their sleeves and get busy putting the small-government, fiscally conservative utopia that Bush spent eight years crafting back in place.
I was off yesterday and forgot about voting until about 5 minutes before the polls closed, I was the last one in the door at the polling place before they locked it (for all the good it did in my hyper-conservative district). Came home and watched about 5 minutes of election coverage before throwing my hands up in disgust, going to bed and hate-masturbating myself to sleep.
On the plus side, this should keep things interesting at this site for the next two years. I'd better start boning up on my orange-skin joke repartee.
It IS a silver lining. One of two things can happen now.
One: They actually implement some of the disastrous teabagger policies. On paper, the GDP will skyrocket. In reality, it will be controlled by a handful — maybe seventy or eighty — hyper-rich lords. Everyone else will either be unemployed, or beholden to those lords as a sort of serf. Most of these serfs will be so braindead fucking stupid that they will think this is a good thing.
Two: They WON'T implement any of the lies they said just to get into office. Teabaggers get furious, but they have no other choice; the GOP won't run anybody against them in primaries, and they sure won't vote for an independent because that's futile, and not for a Democrat because Freedom. The Status Quo will remain, where billionaires continue to hoard all of the money, actual productive workers are exploited and thrown away, and the middle class dwindles to nothingness.
I'm voting on the latter occurring, but the former might be interesting in an dystopian sort of way.
Can't you taunt any better than that? Weak.
Losers! Too. Also.
clowntime is over.
time to take cover.
The Party of 'Hell No You Can't" has won, apparently.
Well, on the plus side, governors race still undecided here with 148 precincts not having reported in SOUTHERN COOK COUNTY. Hahahaha.
Sadly, Sharon is not going to take the 2nd amendment remedy we would all like her to….
I know you are but what am I. Listen, trollkin, if you know what is good for your ego, you will not try and match wits with this board. We will out-snark you 7 ways from Sunday. Bring it if you think you're bad enough, but guess what? You're not, the end.
How can I attempt to match wits with "this board" when "this board" is too pussy to allow my comments on "this board" without deleting them right away. Sounds like "this board" needs more ego stroking for its delicate sensibilities than I do. Pathetic sheep.
??? I am not the person who determines what gets deleted on this board. Whine to someone else about that please. Besides, some really messed up and sick stuff gets posted on this board. What exactly are you posting to get your comments deleted? Also, are you seeing a therapist? Might not be a bad idea.
(musing to self)…Hmmmmm……wonder if these mental giants understand rhetorical questions, as I didn't really expect that comment to make it past the censors—er, administrator. Wonder if the administrator is such a prude that he/she gets offended by “Losers! Too. Also.” Wonder why the idiots on this site always invoke the “ban hammer” when people show up with different points of view….hmmmm….Oh, hello there. Losers! Too. Also.
Wow. maybe they ban your comments out of a sense of mercy, to keep you from embarrassing yourself. I wouldn't be that nice if I was admin on this board.
You STILL don't get the "also" thing, but just keep typing it, not unlike some Bachman clone. Just spew the talking points over and over.
Losers! Too. Also
The p score like voters is only poorly understood. I think it is random positive reinforcement. Or magic.
Agreed. Mine just went up two points last night…. before that I think it went up one point in two weeks. So, maybe the P score is when Ken gets drunk and hits random buttons/usernames on Wonkette?
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