Part V: No Country For Old Feingold: Liveblogging the End of Russmocracy

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Orange Revolution
Oh sheesh, did they have to take Feingold? We aren’t upset because the man was a great senator; we are upset because that was Pagels’ seat. It still seems like the Democrats will hold onto the Senate at this, the fifth hour of our long crash into forever-gridlock. Sure, the complete sell-out half of the old McCain-Feingold duo was the one that got elected, but where we seem to be going, that sort of ancient “bipartisanship” thing just seems quaint. The results are still trickling in. We don’t know about Nevada or Illinois or Alaska, which will end in a bloody fistfight on the tundra between all of those candidates tomorrow afternoon, most likely. So what is going on in the final hour before we reach the Teabaggers’ fabled “November 3″?

11:03 PM — Part IV, if you can’t keep track. (We can’t.)
11:09 PM — We have reached the hour of not calling anything, it seems.
11:11 PM — But Toomey and Kirk are up.
11:13 PM — Oh God, what is Chris Matthews talking about? Young voters are temperamental teenagers who are rebelling by not voting? Is that what he just said? We half-heard it.
11:14 PM — Bachmann wins. But what about Jim the Election Guy? He can only talk about elections! It’s in his name! That’s a long two years of unemployment. But, thankfully, because Bachmann won, taxes are a thing that will never happen again.
11:16 PM — Also winning big: Barney Frank. So we will still have a black man in the White House and a gay man with outsize power over the money after all this. HUGE LOSS FOR TEABAGGERS!
11:19 PM — Carl Paladino concession! Is he drunk? He is so drunk.
11:21 PM — Was that black guy a protestor? Haha, who the hell would protest him? What a waste of effort.
11:21 PM — Oh Lord is he drunk.
11:23 PM — Carl Paladino ran because he loves his country, he says. So if it was for his country and not his state, why didn’t he run for either of those Senate seats? Oh, whatevs, he is drunk and stupid and over.
11:24 PM — Haha, Chris Matthews is asking for a Pennsylvania Senate seat and Ed Rendell is not amused.
11:25 PM — CNN is focusing on California results even though 2% are in and this is useless. Wolf says Cali hates pot and Barbara Boxer AT THIS HOUR.
11:28 PM — Haha, we just happened to flip to local news here in Brooklyn and Paladino was still on. He keeps pausing to let the crowd shout stuff out and some dude just yelled “SECESSION!” This may be New York, but it’s still the Tea Party.
11:29 PM — Aww, even local news is going away from this sad, drunken Paladino speech. They referred to it as a “revival meeting.”
11:33 PM — John King notes the Democrats are at 49 in the Senate based on current calls. With California almost certainly stay with them, it’s almost time to call the “50 + Sen. Biden” safely for the Democrats with fairly good odds for more seats. Oh good, even the two houses of Congress will be in direct opposition to each other.
11:36 PM — So, are there any parliamentary maneuvers to bypass both the filibuster and the vote of the House of Representatives?
11:37 PM — We’re hearing the Iowa justices who ruled to legalize gay marriage are all losing. Eek. They will be replaced by a court of Chuck Grassley tweets.
11:41 PM — Boehner is speaking. Still wearing his Fred Flintstone costume from Sunday.
11:41 PM — Boehner: “We’ve buried our children.” NO! WHERE DID YOU PUT THEM? SOMEBODY CALL THE COPS.
11:43 PM — Oh good, Boehner magically just created some jobs out of thin air. You’re welcome, America.
11:46 PM — “We can celebrate when the small businesses start hiring again.” Boehner is not going to be able to go to bars with his lobbyist friends for a loooooooong time.
11:46 PM — Here come the waterworks! Right on cue!
11:47 PM — This man will not have the composure to hold back from banging that gavel up and down like a complete child.
11:53 PM — Politico has Boxer’s race called for her. And Pennsylvania for Toomey. We’re still awaiting on Alaska, Washington, Nevada, Colorado, Hawaii, and Illinois.
11:56 PM — Reid is winning 52%-44% with 59% reporting, Wolf says, which would be pretty impressive if it finishes even near that. And, of course, all of those Mexican gang-members would jump over the border wall around Nevada.
11:58 PM — CNN now calling the “control of Senate” for the Democrats with Boxer call. Which was expected, and doesn’t reflect how things went for Republicans in the country today, but perhaps will make it harder for the Republicans to call this a sweeping victory. Ah, who are we kidding, they will call it that anyway and media like CNN will let them get away with it.
12:00 AM — Ken tags in, back in time.

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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96 comments

  1. GuanoFaucet

    Well done teabaggers, this country is now officially a fucking supermassive black hole of stupid. The mass of your flaming dumbfuckery was enough to create the retard singularity.

    1. Redhead

      Can someone please explain to them that just because you weigh as much as 3 people doesn't mean you get to vote 3 times?

  2. TanzbodenKoenig

    Stick your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye, you worthly wokett scum. Welcome to TeAmerica

      1. Redhead

        He's outside stomping on Ken's neck while O'Donnell holds Ken down. They'll be in for the website in a few minutes.

    1. legalize everything

      That comment just gave me a really awful Pelosi/ Boehner-"Girl With the Dragon Tattoo"-mental picture. But whatever, Boehner has it coming…

  3. LetUsBray

    At least then they'd be honest about what they've been doing all along. Assfuckers, and not in a good way.

  4. BarackMyWorld

    I'll go ahead and reveal how talk radio is going to spin ever race tomorrow:
    When Republicans lose, its because they weren't conservative enough.
    When conservatives win, it proves the whole country is behind them.
    When conservatives lose, it's the media fault.

  5. sati_demise

    Waiting for the marijuana legalization result in California. Come on stoners! At least give us something to cheer about.
    Sobbing just thinking about Grayson. weeping.

      1. nachoproblem

        Doesn't matter. The Stupreme Court will declare it illegal, because it isn't a "good" State's Right like shootin' queers.

  6. SayItWithWookies

    At least Bennett's beating Buck in Colorado. I've turned to PBS since the broadcast networks have gone to local news — and Gwen Ifill, as usual, is moderating a pretty decent analysis of what's going on.

    1. ifthethunderdontgetya

      a pretty decent analysis of what's going on.

      So she's saying a few plutocrats have convinced a good percentage of the fucktard population of this country to show up and shovel the last few loads of dirt over our democracy?
      ~

    1. LetUsBray

      And I expect, nay demand, that the Democrats filibuster EVERYthing they can't outright vote down. If the country could afford for jack shit to get done the last two years, it can afford it for another two.

    2. kenlayisalive

      Well, when Dems are in charge it takes a unanimous vote to pass anything. But when Republicans are in charge, it goes down to 40 votes to pass things. It is an interesting system we've developed.

  7. indecencycmdr

    i feel sick for wisconsin. however! wonkette, not one to, you know, stuff. has moved on. beer here!

  8. slappypaddy

    and so the land of the fee and the home of the knave does the "superheated scorpion trick" and stings itself to death. and we had front row seats!

  9. UpstateYorkee

    This is hilarious…

    Local teabaggers have been vilifying Obama's awful evil socialist nazi TELEPROMPTER.

    Paladino is using one in his concession speech. The irony tastes like cotton candy…

  10. PresBeeblebrox

    I used to think downstate IL couldn't be THAT much different from upstate IL, until I was in Kentucky and picked up a free evangelistic preachin' CD at a grocery store. It was Hellfire & Brimstone preachin' about the Great White Judgment Throne-and was published by a church in Mt. Vernon, IL. Shit was so cash…. You would have thought it was from Mississippi or Alabama.

    1. deelzebub

      The cities are similarly Democratic to Chicago, it's just that Springfield, Decatur, Champaign, etc are in districts and counties with lots of bumblefuck hick towns with whopping populations in the high 100s.

      1. obfuscator2

        tell me about it… i work in springfield…

        congratulations, central illinois republicans, you just elected a guy who lied about his military service record repeatedly. how times have changed.

  11. PabaBritannica

    Aw hell, we're gonna lose Feingold and we still might keep Harry Reid?

    If I had to choose a Teabagger to be in the Senate, it would have been Sharon Angle. She's like your crazy grandmother who still doesn't realize that they don't like being called "colored" any more.

  12. fuflans

    boner is official.

    if wonkette promises to last for the next two years, i might not actually slit my wrists.

    or cry.

  13. MadBrahms

    Just as a note for those of you who are sick of the neverending coverage victory speeches, I highly recommend watching the BBC News live coverage (available at news.bbc.co.uk); they've even got Ted Koppel, with guests such as Andrew Sullivan, and I'm actually pretty impressed with their spare, hologram-free presentation.

  14. DustBowlBlues

    I don't know what the fuck is going on or who is winning where. Please don't tell me Californians hate Boxer now. Not after she did the smackdown of Jim Inhofe.

  15. savethispatient

    WARNING: Bachmann is on the BBC!. She actually said she'd work with Obama (with the understanding that Obama would follow Tea Party policies, obviously).

    Oh, and now she was asked about immigration, and boom, the connection is dropped. Cunning, very cunning.

  16. Krugmanic Depressive

    While I fully expect the Dems to hold 51 or more, let me remind you that 50-plus-Biden is actually 50 minus Lieberman who will welcome the chance to be the decisive Republican vote for everything, beginning with #WARWITHIRAN.

    1. obiwanacracker

      He has just replied to American's question "Where are the jobs?" It seems our orange minx had them in his pocket THIS WHOLE TIME!

  17. dogscantlookup

    “What his fate would be, he did not know; but he felt that he was held for the coming of that frightful soul and messenger of infinity’s Other Gods, the crawling chaos Nyarlathotep.”

      1. dogscantlookup

        I think Palin is the madness of mater called Tsathoggua in the Yothic manuscripts, much more primitive than the reptilian quadrupeds of Yoth.
        On second thought, you might be right…

  18. DustBowlBlues

    Boner's crying? Is he fucking crying? It sounds like it. Oh, shit. Fuck me and the Teatards. Do they realize that the Republithugs have just dropped them like a handful of wet shit and the Kohn brothers, et. al., will use their personal think tanks to come up with the next big thing to attract the stoopids–and there are a lot of stoopids in this country.

    1. Gainsbourg69

      Boehner reminds me of one of those little league dads that pays off the ump to help their kids win at all costs. God I hate that fucker.

      Get in Harry fucking Reid.

    1. fatoots

      In college a boyfriend who blacked out the "oran" and just left "gina" (my name) on the bottle and kept it on his desk. It was sweet and clever. So thank you, Fare La Volpe, for temporarily taking my mind off this disaster.

  19. SheriffRoscoe

    Hey guys! What's new? I just turned on my teevee a minute ago and what do I see, but John Boner crying like an old woman.

  20. Limeylizzie

    I have to say, this is not as fucking horrible as I thought it would be, I was expecting a huge wipe out, Rachel and Laurence O'Donnell said that if you compared how bad the economy is vs. 1994 the losses should have been much worse if it was a true Republican wave, so I will not be slitting my wrists tonight.

  21. fuflans

    oh man, russ. making me sad.

    thank you CALIFORNIA. once again. you made my night in grant park on 2008 and you stemmed the tide tonight.

    i just hope you legalized pot.

  22. kenlayisalive

    Ah, that's a really nice thought. That's the one that will allow me to sleep tonight, thank you.

  23. Lost_Teabaggers

    Yes and a couple other ones:

    "Why did you vote Republican if you're pissed that you don't have a job and are angry about the deficit? Oh you thought extending the Bush tax cuts for the rich and stopping the stimulus would fix everything? Bwahahaha enjoy that University of Phoenix MBA of yours while you get shot down for a job at Starbucks"

    "Whoa hey I thought Boehner and Cantor promised you they'd repeal HCR and Obama vetoed it and the Senate upheld his veto? I guess that was just a lie to get your vote you stupid honkey hahahaha"

    "Okay so conservatives have the power of the purse and after blowing another trill down the old pike giving rich people tax cuts who then hired NO ONE by the way; oh look now our debt is so high the GOP broke the debt clock again? Damn sucks to be you feeling all used and lied to, tea bagger hahahaha"

  24. Lost_Teabaggers

    Oh Jesus now they're talking realignment again….when will these idiots learn that "realignment" doesn't exist? Jesus, the Demo's supposedly 'realigned' the country in the 1930's and then lost both chambers in 1948 and nearly lost the presidency in 1946. Realignments DON'T HAPPEN…the electorate might side with one party or the other for a certain period of time but voters have always been dumb and fickle, easily distracted by flashy objects….oooh look Boehners glistening! Oh wait, that's just bronzer and tears…anyway, what was I saying?

  25. mrpuma2u

    We will see if Boner can turn the tea baggage into professional corporate turd polishers like him. He can lead the class on shaving the scrotum/taintz of the JP Morgan board members before the licking of them.

  26. mrpuma2u

    I just hope i get to live in the part of the country controlled by Home Depot and not Carl's Junior or McDonalds.

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