The Non-Witch Is Dead: Liveblogging the 2010 Midterms, Part III

  polls close on teabag hope

MANCHINMENTUM
We have now almost reached the 9 o’clock hour, when you can start to watch these returns on the network teevee channels, so this election is finally official even though we have reached our pivotal THIRD HOUR of this liveblog. Yes, Christine O’Donnell’s Campaign of Pubes has come to an end, for now, though the way she died left things open for a sequel. (And more gross Gawker posts.) Marco Rubio is your new Florida Elian Gonzalez, and all it cost was every shred of Charlie Crist’s humanity. In West Virginia, Joe Manchin has shot his lasers PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW at his opponent and will now shoot Barack Obama from his seat in the Senate, with his trusty shotgun, making things closer to impossible for the GOP to win a majority. So if that makes you a bit relieved for democracy, it’s one less shot of tequila to do tonight.

8:58 PM — Here was Part II if you need that. Synchronicity!
9:02 PM — Gillibrand and Schumer win. Unopposed John Thune too. And John Hoeven picks up North Dakota. Jerry Moran will be “getting a brain” in Kansas, replacing their new Governorback Brownback. Wolf says Rick Perry is a “big one.” (Douche?) And Carl Paladino is not going to get drunk on Albany.
9:03 PM — CNN has Bennet holding on 49%-47% in the exit poll, Feingold losing 50%-49%. Any way America can trade those two?
9:04 PM — RAND JUST RAISED THE ROOF. REPEAT: RAND JUST RAISED THE ROOF.
9:05 PM — Rand has not thanked the two glasses of Pepsi. What of the two glasses of Pepsi? How quickly he forgets the little people.
9:06 PM — Rand is going to try to make this the most dickish acceptance speech ever.
9:08 PM — Haha, Rand just rhetorically asked why America is the freest, best country, and all the Teabaggers thought the first thing that popped into their heads was the thing everyone would shout out loud.
9:11 PM — “Freedom is the best when enjoyed by the most,” says Rand. Oh! Gay marriage for every toddler!
9:14 PM — Palin on Fox News!
9:15 PM — Oh, Democrats were obstructionist the past two years, Palin says. Got it!
9:16 PM — “Republicans cannot afford to compromise on principles” or there will be trouble for them in two years. Got it! So nobody should even show up to Washington for this Congress!
9:19 PM — CNN says GOP will win at least 50 House seats. Including that asshole Grayson’s seat, so that’s good, at least.
9:20 PM — Manchin is talking. He is so sad about Old Man Byrd finally handing over that lifetime job security.
9:23 PM — Manchin’s aw-shucks West Virginia-ness is being undermined by the toddler behind him in a fedora.
9:24 PM — They have now moved this toddler, who presumably needed to go do a Jager shot.
9:27 PM — Marco Rubio on CNN. Wolf’s intro: “He’s not going to speak yet, but let’s listen to him” speaking.
9:31 PM — VITTER! He is self-consciously shitting his Pampers with excitement with this win.
9:36 PM — “We have won.”: O’Donnell concession on CNN. “We were victorious.” Oh!
9:36 PM — “The Republican Party will not be the same.” Modern pubic-hair politics.
9:36 PM — “This is just the beginning.” Oh God.
9:38 PM — “We’ve got a lot of food, we’ve got the room the whole night, so God bless you.” Basic philosophical proof there.
9:46 PM — Roy Blunt, you guys. Exciting?
9:47 PM — Wow, Nikki Haley is up only 8,000 votes with more than half in. Haha, racism.
9:49 PM — Deval Patrick keeps Massachusetts in the Black Panther column.
9:49 PM — Wonkette needs some swirling election music too.
9:51 PM — Haha, CNN has analyzed tweets for Tea Party-negativeness. “Fascinating.” Right.
9:52 PM — Somehow the Twitter has told them people in nearly every state are voted “against” rather than “for” a candidate. And it also told them something about Miley Cyrus’ mom, likely.
10:00 PM — Grassley keeps his Twitter! McCain keeps his walnuts!
10:01 PM — Exit poll says 53%-44% for Brewer in Arizona. So she should be fine unless Mexicans.
10:02 PM — Harry Reid given 48%-47% edge in Nevada. Maybe keeping his own job and the majority simultaneously if that holds. Mary Matalin is behind Crowley and seems to want to bite her ear off.
10:04 PM — Gergen needs to be allowed to talk more on CNN. Not because he says anything worthwhile, but because that saliva is building up too much waiting.
10:05 PM — Haha! Everyone go look at “David Gergen’s Web Site.”
10:06 PM — DeMint is on CNN. The sage remains silent in his hovel, unaware.
10:09 PM — Santorum is on Fox News. Just to give us an excuse to put up that photo of his defeat?
10:11 PM — Part IV.

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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231 comments

    1. savethispatient

      But the Senate seems very unlikely to change sides. So, deadlock here we come!

      Or, will there actually be some moderation and give-and-take? No, just joking!

        1. CZL

          Teabagger-like typing detected.

          But in all seriousness, I hear John Boehner has been putting out CL ads for a chubby Polish intern to run his messages to the White House.

          1. CZL

            Sir, at least until you pay extra for the really kinky stuff.

            And, can't it be both? I mean, now that no one cares what stupid things Christine O'Donnell will say, she'll probably be looking to console herself by gargling a giant mass of scrotums (scrotae? scrotupi?).

        2. DeLand_DeLakes

          Let 'em TRY to find a lady who can prove she sampled Barry's love juice. It's like Katt Williams said: the guy is like Super Nigga. Shit doesn't stick to him.

        3. HistoriCat

          About an hour after the next Congress is sworn in. Unless the spineless wing of the House Democrats decides to preempt them in the insane belief that being Republican Lite will make people actually like them.

  1. legalize everything

    No more Teapocalypse post? Regardless, I'll probably spend the rest of the night muttering, "the horror, the horror…"

  2. PublicLuxury

    Plug the shithole folks. Get ready for the investigations and investigations and subpoenas and the investigations and the defunding of icky programs and investigations.

    1. JMPEsq

      Well, of course, because they seem to think picking up one house of Congress means they can control everything.

  3. DCHatesMe

    Congratulations to all the voters who elected all these winners. Your voting made this night possible.

  4. HurricaneAli

    Fuck Crist and his motherfuckin Leiberman move – if he had lost gracefully and endorsed Meek this would have been a closer race.

      1. Missyb9479

        He'll spend the rest of his life reliving this race. Mostly be having threeways with Cuban and Black men.

        I am still amused that his campaign office was in Rhonda "USA's Up All Night" Shear's defunct lingerie store.

  5. elpinche

    Poor baggers, they think when they wake up in the morning it's going be 'Leave it to Beaver 1955'. It's going to be business as usual, biaaaaahtchezzz

    1. Terry

      Their goddess Michelle will certainly accomplish a lot with her investigations of anti-American activities.

  6. MarcelleMarceau

    Can't wait until the insane clown posse is sworn in under the Big Top in DC. Popcorn, anyone?

  7. JMPEsq

    "Government does not create jobs". Yeah, tell that to everyone who works for the government, like say the military; or anyone who lived through the Depression, which FDR ended through government hiring. God, if my grandmother were still alive today she would whack this asshole with her cane.

  8. SayItWithWookies

    Chuck Schumer won? Woohoo — less shit for Dick Morris to gloat about tomorrow. I've been watching Nova's episode, "Trapped in an Elevator," which I thought was a good prep for the evening. So this is good news.

    1. BrentKockman

      you MUST believe in yourself to save yourself from ourselves.

      and i thought OBAMA was the one into the vague high-faluttin lofty talky talk….. sheesh

  9. PresBeeblebrox

    The DE GOP is actually getting its ass pounded here – they lost a House seat, lost a sure pick-up in the Senate, losing State Treasurer to a proto-teabagger, incumbent GOP State Auditor is losing, a few GOP State House incumbents losing. Witchcraft really motivated the DE Dems this year…

    Uncomfortable WDEL interview right now with DE GOP Chair. "It could be a long night – all results from downstate are not in yet." Coons still ahead by 17 points with 92% reporting.

    O'Meatball has not yet conceded. Stirring up the fly agaric potion.

    1. mirrorballdc

      Not like there's much of a GOP to speak of in the Northeast anymore. This was bound to happen eventually. It just happened to be this year and in quite spectacular fashion.

      1. PresBeeblebrox

        98% of results in and no concession yet even though she is losing by 16 points. Yale Divinity basically ran his whole campaign on not being a dick, thereby pointing out how much of a dick Vagina Dentata was.

        WDEL was about to do a live report from V.D.H.Q. about 45 minutes ago (when the reported that the teevees were turned off when AP called the race), but the reporter was suddenly cut off. Wonder what incantation they used.

      1. June_Cleaver2.0

        I know, he made me the saddest, when they said he was going down. TNR called him the magnificent pain in the ass. And he is.

    1. Jerri

      A local news website currently has Russ not winning with 1% reporting. I swear to god, that is one loss I will not handle well should it really happen. Fair warning, Wonketeers.

  10. jakegittes

    Looks like Alan Grayson goes down in flames. Sad, very sad. So much for a sense of humor and creativity coming out of Florida in the way of a Congressperson.

    1. BrentKockman

      he should replace the Ed Schultz bummer on MSNBC.

      what, is Fox News the only place allowed to give jobs to failed candidates [cough cough...Sarah Palin....cough cough]

  11. Blendergoathead

    Going to keep drinking now… just… keep… drinking… and building up my list of FB contacts of "Real Americans" on facebook that I'm going to laugh at as their jobs get sacrificed, their safety nets get cut out from beneath them, and they scrounge through the trash cans behind the internet cafes where they continuously support the people who fucked them, at their own behest.

    Good times!

    1. problemwithcaring

      Dollar store Tussin. I have a slight cold, a high tolerance for Chinese lead and a desire to hallucinate. I am servicing each a little tonight.

  12. harry_palmer

    "Government does not create jobs"

    That's ok for the rubes, but try pullin that shit on the military-industrial complex and you're going to need a real doctor, Rand.

    1. JMPEsq

      There was also a time that was Greatly Depressing until government spending actually fixed everything.

    1. glindsey1979

      "There is no red America, no blue America… but there IS an orange Speaker of the House." — Obama's amended speech

  13. Gainsbourg69

    We elected Marco Rubio to the senate, got rid of Alan Grayson and Rick Scott is close to becoming governor. Fuck right off Florida.

    1. danceswithpalin

      I really hope the first thing Obama does is repeal the medicare scooter funding. Keep the gumming funding away from the obese beyotches.

    2. Missyb9479

      At times I hate this state.

      Then I remember that I have seasonal affective disorder while living in Florida so I'd pretty much be in a depression coma if I lived anywhere else.

      Even worse, it looks like the tax for light rail in Tampa won't pass which means that I'm never going to have my high speed train to Disney World. :(

  14. JMPEsq

    I hate to criticize a Democrat now, but Manchin; Byrd was not beloved, but tolerated. I'm glad you won over the laserblast man but geeze.

  15. el_donaldo

    Rand Paul made demonstrably erroneous point after point. We're in a fucking "debt crisis"? The awful thing is that this election is going to be taken as confirmation of their wackadoodle alternate reality.

  16. PublicLuxury

    Goddamn this country has the worst case of ADD I've ever encountered. They cannot pay attention long enough to find their own genitalia.

  17. SayItWithWookies

    Sarah, it's not possible for the Republicans to compromise on principles. Which I guess makes them ironclad in a way.

    1. Katydid

      Sister said the Repubs and Dems now have to compromise, so long as the Dems are doing all of the compromising. Otherwise the Repubs will get on a train. Or something.

    2. PublicLuxury

      All it makes them is rigid fools. But if it is foolish, Sarah is involved. I long for the days when I didn't know her name. Fuckin' McCain

  18. karen

    Kibbe's face-encompassing sideburns are out of control.

    Also Diaperman Vitter projected to keep his shit-stained seat.

  19. BrentKockman

    Lawrence O'Donnell is cold flipping out about the debt ceiling and how Rand Paul will fillibuster our national credit card and cause a catastrophic global financial meltdown as America gets foreclosed on

    1. glindsey1979

      I would love, LOVE, to see them try not to raise the debt ceiling. Or, for that matter, I will love to see when they DO raise the debt ceiling and see the backlash. Really, either way, it's a win-win situation for lovers of schadenfreude.

    2. June_Cleaver2.0

      The Dems can always grow a pair and do away with the filibuster, have majority rule again. We'll have to tell Americans it'll be like voting without a net, so pay attention.

  20. Katydid

    OK, I watched 20 minutes of Fox, and now I'm in a murderous rage, so I just took 3 more valium. Time to break out the harder stuff.

    1. x111e7thst

      Please tell me the name of your doctor – I will love you forever, or at least until I want something from someone else.

      1. Katydid

        Alls you have to do is have horrible surgery on your neck. But it's totally worth it, for the drugs.

    2. mayor_quimby

      I have them on pictire in pic
      and everybody should go find the chatango, it's nice over there

    3. June_Cleaver2.0

      You're my CT sister, we did okay. Criminal Minds is on, Relax.

      But tell me how Malloy did, I haven't been watching — I can't.

  21. PresBeeblebrox

    The Sleestaks are holding their own against Toomey… Philly and Pittsburgh suburbs not all reporting in and Sleestak is ahead by 13. It would be fucking hilarious if the O'Donnell Effect ended up fucking Toomey.

    Joe Biden's son, the AG, is giving his victory speech… he won 80% – 20% against an opponent who is a convicted felon. Fucking weird election year here.

  22. Beowoof

    Oh no Marco is now speaking, wagging his finger at the crowd. We are the single greatest nation, something doesn't seem right, yep you're right, poor people getting health care, foreclosures stopped, get those bastards out to work, and quit sponging off of us working folks. Don't get sick and use any health care. He is the son of something alright.

  23. Beowoof

    Christine is conceding, the fat guy behind her is her brother. The republican party will never be the same, true I will always think of you as short bus riding fools.

  24. Crank_Tango

    does this make any difference? i mean it's not like the senate has passed anything to come out of the house so far anyway…

  25. vanishing13

    "we are the single greatest nation on the face of the earth in history" or something similar.

    why do they insist on saying this crap?

  26. BeWoot

    Maybe the Teabaggers aren't as delusional as I thought. I just heard a victorious Marco Rubio on NPR admitting "America is headed in the wrong direction."

    And he oughta know.

  27. Beowoof

    Fight to keep the Death Tax from being reinstated, yeah concentrate wealth in smaller and smaller groups so there is an economic nobility class. Yippee, the lives of my kids and grand-kids controlled by talentless buffoons.

    1. PublicLuxury

      After all the millions that were dumped into her shit-hole campaign she's concerned about the death tax now. She's got lots and lots and lots to loose. This is proven because they had lots of food and drinks at her crying in the beer party.

  28. babsinbuffalo

    The woman standing behind Xtine was wearing a black suit with an orange tie … wazzup with that?

  29. PublicLuxury

    Oh Great. O'Donnell is getting drunk and they have lots of food too. She heard the herd. Oh I don't know… something to do with animals. She wants to tell Coons what do in the Senate. Cue FOX gig in 3…2…1…

  30. PresBeeblebrox

    O'Donnell conceding now..

    9:38 – I called Yale Divinity and cast a spell on him to talk to small business owners concerned about tax hikes. Obamar will shut everyone down.
    9:39 – WATCH THE 30 MINUTE VIDEO, YO!
    9:39 – Hey, Coons, sign the pledge to Stop Teh Death Tax!
    9:40 – We're not going to stop fighting! (i.e., I am going over to Fux News now to commentate, the end.)
    9:41 – All elected officials will be held accountable, the end. Like it or not! (said with a sexy sneer)
    9:42 – We have the room All Nite and a lot of food, so let's party!
    The End.

    WTF, that was a frakking bizarre speech!

    1. My_pal_HAL

      True to form. That was one frakking bizarre candidate. Thankfully, the only way to see her now will be on FAUX, which is permanently disabled on my remote.

    1. PresBeeblebrox

      Remember that 2 of our 3 counties are majority soybean/chicken farmers/Air Force military types… although teh gheys and other liberal transplants in the beach areas are slowly evening out the wingnut vote in Sussex County.

  31. Janinthepan

    Fucking John Boehner. God dammit, I have never had more contempt for a man in my entire life. If I ever meet that orange asshole, I am going to kick him square in the balls.

  32. bumfug

    So Christine exit-polled the voices in her head to discover that she was victorious. May she win every race she's in by the same margin.

  33. rocktonsam

    I love her because shes cuddly

    I don't want to fuck her relatives.

    Wonder what pudding cup beard boy is doing tonight.

    1. jim89048

      Speaking as one who has been sporting the full bear bucket for over 30 years, those beard cup boys just cold piss me off.

  34. SayItWithWookies

    The ABC (yes I don't have cable) folks are talking about how Rubio beat Crist and how remarkable that is considering that Crist ran as the independent in a pro-independent climate. I didn't see who said that, but wow — how obtuse does one have to be to not observe that Rubio is the tea partier and Crist was the establishment Republican? Do these people just have talking points installed in their heads in the morning and they make everything fit that pattern regardless of how much of a stretch that is? No, don't answer — I know. Good gravy.

  35. kenlayisalive

    Wow, well, looks like Megs McCain is not the kind of pampered Columbia art history grad that can also predict elections.

  36. ph7

    Teabaggers=sacrificial lambs to GOTV, allowed mainstream GOP (does it exist?) sneak in, get House. True Rovian, but no legs into 2012 (but if economy in shitter, legs may sprout, economy stupid)

  37. Negropolis

    Here we go, ya'll; right down the rabbit hole! Hold on to your butts!

    Republicans are looking like they'll sweep every damned state race here in Michigan. Canada can't annex our asses soon enough. I for one would welcome a new maple-syrup slurping, moose-schluping, Celine Dion-loving overlord.

    1. My_pal_HAL

      Well OK. But our current head guy is a teabagger in disguise, leading a know-
      nothing, mouth breathing mob of dicks. Sorry.

    2. MarcelleMarceau

      Apparently Michiganers have forgotten about the rash of shit left by the Pillsbury Doughboy John Engler.

    3. waitforsugar

      I am still optimistic about Gray Peters in the 9th. I can see Canada from my cubicle so if the Canadians begin their polite marching across the Ambassador I'll let you know.

  38. fatoots

    With Patrick and Frank keeping their offices in MA I fear there might be some wingnuts' headssploding.

    I'm having lunch with two conservative friends tomorrow. I might need to bring armor.

  39. PabaBritannica

    So the Dems have lost the entire state of VA now except 2 seats, right? Can we trade the GOP the remaining two seats to get rid of Ken Cucinelli?

  40. Wadisay

    If any Wonketteer has a parrot, you might want to keep it away from the TV tonight unless you want to hear, "Awk, center-right nation, fwee-eep," for the next 35 years.

    1. PresBeeblebrox

      She fucked the entire Delaware GOP ticket. They lost a Senate pickup, lost a House seat, and the O'Donnell effect brought out Dem voters en masse, causing them to also lose several state house races and the state treasurer's race, which featured a teabagger-lite. The GOP analysts on local radio are all butthurt over the whole thing. Meanwhile, Christine was seen sailing over the moon on her broomstick on her way to Rupert's house.

  41. Negropolis

    Honestly, I knew getting Obama elected wouldn't mean some seismic shift in the electorate, but how stupid do independents have to be to keep switching parties every two years and then bitching about gridlock? You're creating it (gridlock) you dumbfucks! Stoppit!

  42. PabaBritannica

    Ken Buck "Likes to Fuck" going down to a coalition of raging feminazis and tree huggers might make my night.

    1. PresBeeblebrox

      Yeah, some people want to get rid of the "…and Providence Plantations" part of the name. I always thought it was neat that the smallest state had the longest name.

      1. Zvi_Bleindmeis

        There was actually slavery on some of those plantations, prior to 1750. So Little Rhody is poised to spring forward into the 19th century!

        Or you could also say that they got to abolition 115 years ahead of the country.

        I report, you decide.

  43. fuflans

    I heard our dear mara and friends nannering on this PM about how IT IS ALL o'bama's fault and his apology to the nation better hit the right tone as THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PRESSER OF HIS LIFE.

    are we there yet?

  44. el_donaldo

    Michele Bachmann is on NBC. Good God that woman is scary looking close up. AND she's still pushing that awful "refudiate" meme.

  45. Beowoof

    Ed Shultz is right on this, no is talking about how jobs will be created. The talk about jobs, but they are not saying anything about the jobs being created will be in Shanghai.

  46. Negropolis

    The MSNBC panel is PO'd the hell out. Lawrence O'Donnell is more obnoxious than he usually is, Olbermann has turned up the sadonism to ridiculous levels, Chris Matthews is kind of just laying back half defending the Tea Party. The only one that's really hitting good points and doesn't appear near apoplectic is Rachel Maddow. Oh, and Token (Gene Robinson) is just basically sitting there and grinning at everything everyone else says…like usual.

    Oh shit! Chris has Michele Bachmann on and he's pissed now, too. lol

  47. Fuck Toad

    Hey, I leave for a couple hours (to drink half a bottle of whiskey) and it looks like Bennet and Sleestack and Reid might not lose terribly? Did I die of alcohol poisoning and go to lefty heaven (a kind of shitty heaven where things are just slightly better than you expect/fear)?

    1. PabaBritannica

      I sat in a Thai Restaurant drinking Sapporo and watching local returns, in preparation for my coming move to Asia following the defunding of the government by the GOP house.

  48. Beowoof

    Jeebus, Michelle Bachman is on talking about investigating Un-American Attitudes. Holy Shit they plan to waste a lot of money and time and effort doing shit no one cares about.
    Tweety Matthews, just asked Michelle if she is under a trance tonight, because no matter the question she gives the same answer. When Chris called her on it, she gave the same answer.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Just came in from church dinner I was at all day (thanks, Jesus. The Teapocalypse was a great way to reward me). We needed the money because we lost people for not hating gayz enough, so I didn't follow the election because, this being rural OK, I might start stabbing the Republithugs–and there were a lot of them to stab–but that would be bad evangelism. We'd never get new members that way.

      No picture on the teevee in this room, just sound, but turned it on just in time to hear Tweety laughing at crazy M. Keep your fingers crossed she's the new Speaker!

      Tonight it's just as well not to have a picture. The sound is bad enough.

      1. Negropolis

        Tweety just left out his "HA!" at Eric Cantor. Cantor came in gloating about how it was especially nice that he was on MSNBC, tonight. They are grilling the hell out of their Republican guests. lol

      2. Negropolis

        Chris is convinced Bachmann was under some kind of some kind of hypnotic spell.

        Olbermann makes awesome reference to Futurama's Hypnotoad.

        Lawrence O'Donnell tells Chris he doesn't want to talk to Eric Cantor, again, if all he's going to do is offer talking points. Olbermann tries to calm the inconsolable O'Donnell.

  49. slappypaddy

    phoenix bird can't rise from the ashes till the whole fucking place has burned to the ground. the next few years could prove quite interesting.

  50. June_Cleaver2.0

    I know. When is Rand Paul going to order prisoners to start making "No Colored Allowed" signs. Looking forward to the water fountains.

  51. DustBowlBlues

    When is someone going to tell Crazy Michele about the HUAC and all the good they did with that Black List, and such. The Tweety can ask her if the wants House American Activities Committee reinstated and she'll get all excited and race off to talk to the Teabag caucus, who will love it and next thing you know, there they are. Deciding who is treasonous, based on the Teabag of Merican Scale. Then wonkette can have a great time, making fun of them.

    Hey, cut me some slack here. Just came in from church thing and was met by the Turdnado that is this election.

  52. DustBowlBlues

    Russ Feingold, a maverick before Palin had ever heard of the term, has just lost.
    You're telling me that Democrats couldn't get excited about him? I hope you're happy being Oklahoma, America. And proud of yourselves, Wisconsin Democrats.

  53. Office_39

    In other news this election day, I leveled up in my massively online video game and got some shweet armor drops. Whose the man now!

  54. MiniMencken

    Yet another example of the vile effect on genuine American politics of the Irish. A degenerate race of reactionary Papists who would bring their vile Papist views to bare upon the polity of our our Republic.

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