The Non-Witch Is Dead: Liveblogging the 2010 Midterms, Part III

We have now almost reached the 9 o’clock hour, when you can start to watch these returns on the network teevee channels, so this election is finally official even though we have reached our pivotal THIRD HOUR of this liveblog. Yes, Christine O’Donnell’s Campaign of Pubes has come to an end, for now, though the way she died left things open for a sequel. (And more gross Gawker posts.) Marco Rubio is your new Florida Elian Gonzalez, and all it cost was every shred of Charlie Crist’s humanity. In West Virginia, Joe Manchin has shot his lasers PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW at his opponent and will now shoot Barack Obama from his seat in the Senate, with his trusty shotgun, making things closer to impossible for the GOP to win a majority. So if that makes you a bit relieved for democracy, it’s one less shot of tequila to do tonight.

8:58 PM — Here was Part II if you need that. Synchronicity!
9:02 PM — Gillibrand and Schumer win. Unopposed John Thune too. And John Hoeven picks up North Dakota. Jerry Moran will be “getting a brain” in Kansas, replacing their new Governorback Brownback. Wolf says Rick Perry is a “big one.” (Douche?) And Carl Paladino is not going to get drunk on Albany.
9:03 PM — CNN has Bennet holding on 49%-47% in the exit poll, Feingold losing 50%-49%. Any way America can trade those two?
9:04 PM — RAND JUST RAISED THE ROOF. REPEAT: RAND JUST RAISED THE ROOF.
9:05 PM — Rand has not thanked the two glasses of Pepsi. What of the two glasses of Pepsi? How quickly he forgets the little people.
9:06 PM — Rand is going to try to make this the most dickish acceptance speech ever.
9:08 PM — Haha, Rand just rhetorically asked why America is the freest, best country, and all the Teabaggers thought the first thing that popped into their heads was the thing everyone would shout out loud.
9:11 PM — “Freedom is the best when enjoyed by the most,” says Rand. Oh! Gay marriage for every toddler!
9:14 PM — Palin on Fox News!
9:15 PM — Oh, Democrats were obstructionist the past two years, Palin says. Got it!
9:16 PM — “Republicans cannot afford to compromise on principles” or there will be trouble for them in two years. Got it! So nobody should even show up to Washington for this Congress!
9:19 PM — CNN says GOP will win at least 50 House seats. Including that asshole Grayson’s seat, so that’s good, at least.
9:20 PM — Manchin is talking. He is so sad about Old Man Byrd finally handing over that lifetime job security.
9:23 PM — Manchin’s aw-shucks West Virginia-ness is being undermined by the toddler behind him in a fedora.
9:24 PM — They have now moved this toddler, who presumably needed to go do a Jager shot.
9:27 PM — Marco Rubio on CNN. Wolf’s intro: “He’s not going to speak yet, but let’s listen to him” speaking.
9:31 PM — VITTER! He is self-consciously shitting his Pampers with excitement with this win.
9:36 PM — “We have won.”: O’Donnell concession on CNN. “We were victorious.” Oh!
9:36 PM — “The Republican Party will not be the same.” Modern pubic-hair politics.
9:36 PM — “This is just the beginning.” Oh God.
9:38 PM — “We’ve got a lot of food, we’ve got the room the whole night, so God bless you.” Basic philosophical proof there.
9:46 PM — Roy Blunt, you guys. Exciting?
9:47 PM — Wow, Nikki Haley is up only 8,000 votes with more than half in. Haha, racism.
9:49 PM — Deval Patrick keeps Massachusetts in the Black Panther column.
9:49 PM — Wonkette needs some swirling election music too.
9:51 PM — Haha, CNN has analyzed tweets for Tea Party-negativeness. “Fascinating.” Right.
9:52 PM — Somehow the Twitter has told them people in nearly every state are voted “against” rather than “for” a candidate. And it also told them something about Miley Cyrus’ mom, likely.
10:00 PM — Grassley keeps his Twitter! McCain keeps his walnuts!
10:01 PM — Exit poll says 53%-44% for Brewer in Arizona. So she should be fine unless Mexicans.
10:02 PM — Harry Reid given 48%-47% edge in Nevada. Maybe keeping his own job and the majority simultaneously if that holds. Mary Matalin is behind Crowley and seems to want to bite her ear off.
10:04 PM — Gergen needs to be allowed to talk more on CNN. Not because he says anything worthwhile, but because that saliva is building up too much waiting.
10:05 PM — Haha! Everyone go look at “David Gergen’s Web Site.”
10:06 PM — DeMint is on CNN. The sage remains silent in his hovel, unaware.
10:09 PM — Santorum is on Fox News. Just to give us an excuse to put up that photo of his defeat?
10:11 PM — Part IV.