house of horror

Teapocalypse Now: Liveblogging the 2010 Midterms, Part II

Sad Face?It’s 8 p.m. on the East Coast and probably midnight tomorrow on the Alaskan West Coast, so let’s begin the second awful installment of America’s favorite liberal moan temple, the Wonkette Midterms 2010 Liveblogging Challenge! So far, Republicans have won important Senate seats such as the Rand Paul seat and the Rob Portman seat. Will Barack Obama be removed from office, along with his so-called “health care” scheme? And why did the Economy gang up on Democrats, anyway? Is the Great Recession simply racist? (Yes.) But Chris Coons is the WINNER against Witchcraft and Patriotism! No, please Wiccan goddess in the Sky, do not take Christine O’Donnell from us, for goddess’ sake, we NEED COMEDY now more than ever.

8:00 PM — You may want to consult PART I of our Liveblogging, which is here, or you may just want to drink rum out of a bowl on your lap, with a Krazy Straw.
8:00 PM — Wrestling lady is losing, Marco Rubio is the projected winner, so both wrestling and tanned gay moderates are the losers tonight. There are also many governor races, and you may be interested in the one that occurs in your home state!
8:01 PM — 50% for Rubio, only 30% for Charlie Crist. Like many liberals, we have grown to love Charlie this year. Now, he will be reduced to Twittering about Elton John concerts.
8:02 PM — All cable news panelists are now either a) paid political consultants or b) bloggers. How we’ve grown, as a Democracy!
8:02 PM — Speaking of bloggers, is Howard Fineman now with HuffPo or Boing Boing?
8:05 PM — And Georgia keeps their white Republican senator, hooray! (Civil War began 150 years ago.)
8:15 PM — One day soon there will be nothing left of Chuck Todd but a goatee yammering in a void.
8:18 PM — Years ago, our Sara K. Smith rudely suggested that Sarah Palin was going bald and wearing terrible wigs. Tonight, the Huffington Post joins our brave Pulitzer-winning coverage with this breaking update.
8:21 PM — If you’re a little unfamiliar with some of the 435 House races today, you may have a life.
8:23 PM — CNN once again employs the trademark Shaky Handheld Camera to suggest the lard-ass panelists are moving something other than their mouths.
8:30 PM — Did you know we are also on the Twitter? Of course, you cannot comment on the Twitter.
8:30 PM — The second Senate pickup for Republicans: Arkansas polls just closed and Blanche Lincoln lost.
8:31 PM — And now, it is time to start thinking about how life will be for you, wearing a burqa and forced to have diabetes.
8:33 PM — “About 6 in 10 Del. voters say Obama doing good job.” This is on the front page of the Delaware paper. Why does Delaware hate its “favorite daughter,” Christine O’Donnell?
8:37 PM — Yay Democrats: Gun-nut anti-Obama cretin Joe Manchin has won the West Virginia Senate seat, so he’s off to Washington to, uh, caucus with the Republicans?
8:45 PM — Oh yeah, Richard Blumenthal won in Connecticut, another Democrat Victory for being a professional bullshitter! GO DEMOCRATS YOU GOT THE MORAL ADVANTAGE, over trashy wrestling-teevee ladies, at least?
9:00 PM — Part III.

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

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238 comments

        1. JMPEsq

          No, modern pirates copy something and than share it with others as long as they're willing to share it themselves, and it's just the worst crime ever.

    1. Beowoof

      Arrrgh Matey, we will be boarding your bank account from here on Wall Street, Damn the regulations take it all.

    1. mog253

      But.. will you end up doing the "Teen Beat – Christine answers your most intimate questions" show on Faux????

        1. mog253

          Funny, you don't look me-ish. *rim shot* Sorry trapped in a hotel room in Troy, MI, not responsible for my remarks.

    2. Beowoof

      She is going in for a pub waxing and will be back as a prostitute who can't cum enough to run for the House Seat.

    1. Beowoof

      Simon and Theodore convinced him it would be best. After that noooooooooooooooo performance he will be in big demand on Idol.

  1. Blendergoathead

    Damn. Now that O'Donnell and Greene have both lost, we'll never get to enjoy that moment where we see Greene walk up to O'Donnell on the Senate floor and ask her if she wants to see some porn.

    *sigh*

  2. JMPEsq

    Chris Matthews just called Michael fucking Smerconish a moderate, when the guy is only slightly to the left of Mussolini – yet I realize he may sort of be right, and compared to the teabaggers that evil cretin actually looks reasonable.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      He claims to have voted for Obama. He's like all the people in Pennsylvania who voted for Clinton and Santorum on the same ticket. Fuckin nuts.

    1. JMPEsq

      She's a loser, and Dems picked up Delaware's lone Congressional seat that Castle abandoned to go for what looked like a sure Senate position.

  3. loquacioustunes

    The Connecticut Democratic (Terrorist) Party is suing to keep the polling places in Bridgeport open another two hours. Apparently, there weren't enough "ballots." But don't Bridgeport residents only need 3/5ths of a ballot? I IS CONFUZED.

      1. loquacioustunes

        Is your brother a white, too? If not, tell him to consider that marriage annulled once President Palin comes to power!

  4. CookieGuggleman

    Any Wonketeers old enough to remember Mario Savio? Because that's the name I see when I read Marco Rubio. Kind of different species of political types, though.

  5. kenlayisalive

    Does anyone else get kicked out of their account everytime you refresh, or did I screw mine up furiously trying to hack into the account of that last TeaTard that was on here?

    1. Clancy_Pants

      I stay logged in when I refresh (or at least that's what I told Christine O'Donnell after the Halloween party).

      ~25 year old Philadelphian

      P.S. If it's any consolation we love you for trying!

    2. JMPEsq

      It's easy to accidentally hit the log out button, just as it's sadly easy to accidentally hit the wrong "thumbs up / down" button (sorry, V####; and sorry everyone else to the up for Stowell).

    3. Jukesgrrl

      I re-log in all the time instead of refreshing or back-buttoning. I think Wonkette gets more hits that way. Good for the advertising.

      1. kenlayisalive

        Nice. That's thoughtful. If more hits means less Jimmy Smits staring at me, I'm all for that.

  6. Kitty_Sanchez

    "…you may just want to drink rum out of a bowl on your lap, with a Krazy Straw…"

    Well, I live in Texas, where the easiest available option for celebrating is the anus burger / corn syrup feeding frenzy. Or Lonestar Beer. I'll have to get creative. Maybe I'll sniff some glue.

      1. Kitty_Sanchez

        You might be thinking of Louisiana. I lived there years ago. Alcohol is sold in grocery stores, gas stations, pharmacies, and drive-through daiquiri bars. Oh, to be sure, for safety's sake, the drive-thru bars put a plastic lid on drink cups, and secure it with a coupla pieces of masking tape. This makes the drink officially and legally sealed, for safety's sake. *hiccup*

        In Texas, the places where liquor is available for purchase is somewhat more limited. One cannot purchase hard liquor in grocery stores (beer and wine, yes); however, it's not unusual to find charming little shops in remote areas of west Texas that advertise "guns – ammo – beer" so that Texans will not be inconvenienced by having to make two stops on the way home from church.

        1. JMPEsq

          Ah, after living in a state where alcohol is only available in state stores (owned by guess who) the idea of buying anything in grocery stores sounds like heaven. Actually, I think PA's ridiculous liquor rules may in part be responsible for the proliferation of government-hating morons in the middle of the state.

          1. Lascauxcaveman

            Funny you should mention that. The good citizens of The Socialist Soviet of Washington (State) tonight turned down not one, but TWO initiatives to do away with the communist State Liquor Control Board and their well-lit, tidy, well-stocked and reasonably priced liquor stores.

            And yet they also decided we're sending 3 additional Tea Party Patriots in the place of Dems to congress this term.

            I'm shitting bricks, here.

      1. JMPEsq

        Does anyone know any semi-cute European women looking for American wanna-be expatriots? We could exchange joint citizenships.

        1. mildlysore

          I have a feeling "attractive, single European" is about to become a boom industry. It's a seller's market.

  7. x111e7thst

    "And Georgia keeps their white Republican senator, hooray"

    When I think of all the effort William Tecumseh Sherman (may Allah smile upon his name) put into that place. It's just sad really.

    1. Beowoof

      At least he is not a veteran who left three limbs on the battle field in Viet Nam, then republicans really go after them. Saxby Chambliss needs to eat a bag of salted rat dicks in hell with no water.

    2. BeWoot

      A century and a half into the civl war, I can't believe the Union resisted secession. Importing all our cotton seems like a small price to pay for losing our Suthren Cousins. Oh, wait, we'd still have Mitch "Tooter" McConnell and Rand "Aqua Buddha" Paul, wouldn't we.

      Sigh.

    3. HistoriCat

      Actually, I think I'm going to go with blaming Sherman for not committing fully. Having some rich plantation owners hanging from every tree would have thinned out the herd.

  8. Bluestatelibel

    The good news is that now I can finally open my 10-minute, drive-through eye-surgery clinic franchise in Kentucky (10% discount for all Wonkette commentators).

    1. Rotundo_

      And instead of getting a pen to sign the release, they give you a whole cup of pencils and the cup! for free if you act now!

  9. bumfug

    Well, great. Now all the giggling gash from Delaware has to worry about is how to spend the money she scammed off the retarded chicken farmers.

    1. HistoriCat

      Um, when is the other Senatorial race in DE? 2012 or 2014? She'll probably just run for that one as well.

    1. HistoriCat

      Dream on. This will be the start of the "we were too librul!!!" chorus – never mind that the fucking Blue Dogs were decimated in the election.

  10. loquacioustunes

    Hopefully, by this time next year, we'll all be on the gold standard, social security will be privatized, all the illegal immigrants will have been deported, the Civil Rights Act of 1964 will be rolled back, no one will have health insurance, millionaires will be taxed at 0%, and marriage will be limited to one man and one woman—literally, Steve Frisch and Julie Glass of Minneapolis, MN. THIS IS THE AMERICAN DREAM.

    1. My_pal_HAL

      So each of us limited to marrying one man and one woman? I didn't know the Teabaggers were for bisexual bigamy.

  11. BrentKockman

    Chuck Todd has beady fetal alcohol syndrome eyes.

    No one else can speak about things that HAVE happened as if predicting something that WILL happen better than him.

    I hate him.

    [drink]

    1. loquacioustunes

      Is part of the "drinking game" that, whenever someone on Wonkette drinks, I have to drink?

      Okay! [drink]

  12. BklynIlluminati

    Angle must go down too, to complete the trifecta of crazy loser but i will accept Joe Miller as well

    1. My_pal_HAL

      So if O'Donnell, Angle and Miller do down, Murca will not have completely lost its mind? Hooray!

  13. JMPEsq

    So far, the lesson is that both overt racism and physically beating liberals wins; and if Buck, Miller, or any of the other "force rape victims to give birth " candidates win, add overt sexism. The 2012 primaries should be, well, interesting.

    1. Katydid

      I know Republicans do things differently than us, but how do they get their hair to grow from a haircut?

    2. Jukesgrrl

      That's what she gets for letting an elitist from New York City do her hair. He's probably at a bar now laughing his ass off with all his friends.

  14. PalinPussyPower

    If a fired NPR employee gets $2 million, and a quittin' AK governor gets about double that, how much will Fox News pay a failed Delaware candidate with zero work history? I'm thinking they might have to take out a loan.

  15. loquacioustunes

    I gave up cable t.v. this summer, so my only source of election news is — and I'm not making this up — constantly refreshed New York Times and Wonkette websites, the glass of Glenfiddich I'm drinking, and Steve Reich's Four Sections cranking on the CD player.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Quit wasting your time on the Times. Wonkette knows all and finding it out here is less painful somehow.

      1. HistoriCat

        If only someone would invent something which would allow you to access sexy-time videos straight from your computer – that would be a hit!

    2. Oppenheiner

      I'm watching Al Jazeera over the air here in DC and I have to say, I'm pleasantly surprised at the coverage. Needs more holograms, tho.

    3. Chet Kincaid

      Cool music. I've been meaning to explore Reich and other minimalists ever since the 80s King Crimson, although I hate the Trig-like stylings of Phillip Glass. Better get to it, before Culture is outlawed!

    4. imissopus

      I haven't owned a TV for a year, so me too, except I'm checking the L.A. Times cause that's where I live and I want to know if pot is legal yet. I understand I will be able to possess up to an ounce, which should get me through tomorrow.

  16. BklynIlluminati

    Wrestling skank got pinned and hit with a folding chair! Diablo! Is that blumenthals music i hear playing!!!!!!

  17. obiwanacracker

    Reading the goat entrails today was confusing–long lines at the polls, hooray! The average age of people around me as I voted? About 87.5–less heartening.

  18. Jerri

    I hope you have a working set of gills and a tank of booze to float in, because I don't know when you'll have time to breathe otherwise.

  19. PresBeeblebrox

    WDEL was just at O'Donnell HQ. She is not conceding yet because Fox hasn't called the race. They're hoping for a Come From Behind Victory (as opposed to a come-on-her-behind victory). Also, O'Donnell threatened to sue.

      1. PresBeeblebrox

        She really didn't threaten to sue. Yet.

        However, they did turn off all of the teevees in her victory HQ when the race was called for Coons.

        One of our three counties has not reported yet. They think that county, which has more soybeans than people, will propel her ahead. Huh?

  20. JMPEsq

    Heh, the new Arkansas Senator is named Boozman, but like with Boehner the media is intentionally mispronouncing his name as "Bozeman". Oh and of course Lincoln lost.

      1. JMPEsq

        Yeah, can't say I'm sorry to see her go; and hey, maybe in his more out-of-it moments the Boozeman will accidentally vote the right way.

  21. LionelHutzEsq

    As for Palin's hair. Maybe just going on FOX News causes your hair to poof out like that. Or it could be a helmet to protect her when she falls for from Socialist sending bears to eat her. Or an homage to Christine O'Donnell. Or she is overcompensating for her small brain. All I know for sure is that I will not decide to vote for her until I know how trim or untrimmed she keeps her girl parts.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      When the tiny kernels of ideas in her mind swirl in the tempest of empty, hot air up there, the volume under her hair that should contain a functioning human brain swells up and out. See Jiffy Pop.

  22. loquacioustunes

    Hey, look: the Republicans and "Greens" (???) are suing in my state, Connecticut, saying that it was "illegal" to provide photocopied ballots to the brown/illegal people in Bridgeport!

    EDIT: From the article, "The Green Party said there was no space for write-in candidates on some ballots." Oh, BOO-FUCKING-HOO, Green Party.

  23. MISTAHCOUGHDROP

    I can't believe Elizabeth Montgomery didn't win. I was so looking forward to seeing Darrin at the Senator's Ball.

  24. Lucidamente1

    Palin's not going bald–they just had to shave her head before inserting the new word salad talking point generator.

    1. Kitty_Sanchez

      Oh yeah! Weren't those all the rage about 15 years ago?? "Salad spinners," I think they were called… I'm pretty sure I have one taking up space in a kitchen cabinet.

  25. BrentKockman

    Manchin won, by shooting actual democratic legislation with his pussy .22 rifle

    How long before he shoots actual democratic legislaTORs?

    1. HistoriCat

      Does that include Independents caucusing with Democrats? I would hide Bernie Sanders but Lieberman would be OK.

  26. JMPEsq

    Darth Vader cries, the technological terror space destruction laser looses in West Virginia's Governor's Race.

      1. JMPEsq

        Not yet; I'd say this was a victory for rationality, but it's West Virginia so it's more likely people were scared because lazers sounded too science-y.

  27. CookieGuggleman

    It's going to be OK. It's going to be OK. It's going to be OK. There's no place like home. There's no place like home.

  28. Katydid

    Hey, I forgot! I scored some valium at the dr's today. Here, I brought enough for everyone. This should help a bit.

  29. kenlayisalive

    You know, watching c-span, you really get a sense of just how full of drunk and stupid retards America really is.

    "When Obama won, I was gonna give him the benefit of the doubt. That lasted about two weeks till he was taking our rights away with the health care bill"

    SHUT THE FUCK UP!

    1. glindsey1979

      "You know what? It is quite possible for the majority of the people in a country to be complete fuckwits." — Me, responding to just about every "suck it libtards, America has spoken" troll.

      I mean, shit, Hitler was elected.

      1. kenlayisalive

        He only got 34% of the vote or something. Probably some kind of German Ralph Nader that allowed that shit to happen.

      2. JMPEsq

        And you know who else was elected, and then managed to dismantle democracy into a dictatorship?

        That's right, Augustus Caesar.

    2. Jerri

      A few years ago I just started assuming that a good 80% of the general public is hopped up on something all the time, whether it's illegal stuff, or just your every day effects/side effects of the many prescription drugs/Redbull & Fish Oil concoctions our fellow citizens may be on at any given time. It may not be true, but it does help explain things.

    3. Spanky2a

      You know, watching c-span, you really get a sense of just how full of drunk and stupid retards America really is:
      "I wont have to worry about putting gas in my car, I won't have to worry about paying my mortgage..

      You know, If I help him, he's gonna help me."

      1. kenlayisalive

        Case in point.

        Fuck you, jack off.

        Sorry if I want people to not pay for their health insurance for years and then get dropped when they get sick. Not exactly like Obama filling up your gas tank.

        But you wouldn't understand that, you fucking piece of shit.

          1. Spanky2a

            Great reminder just how hateful and violent libunatics are at the core when their facade of civility is stripped away.

  30. WriteyWriterton

    Okay, I voted. I'm sure the candidate I personally like – but did not support in a spasm of ill-timed independence – will lose by one vote to the troglodyte I despise. Time to set up the vodka IV drip.

      1. loquacioustunes

        I'm glad someone else knows of Ms. Sill. I started listening to her because Andy Partridge, my favorite musician of all time, cited her as a bigger influence — albeit on a more subconscious level — than anyone else. That song gets me every time.

        1. kenlayisalive

          That's what got me, there was a tribute album for her recently, had one of my favorite performers on it.

    1. glindsey1979

      I have to counter with the "Fiddling While Rome Burns" playlist — starting with "It's the End of the World as we Know It" by REM and "Burning Down the House" by Talking Heads — from our earlier thread.

    1. glindsey1979

      On the plus side, he can help people with their goosestepping as we slide further into fascism.

    1. jim89048

      Sad, though I expect an email thanking me for all I did for him, which I believe amounted to zilch.

  31. Katydid

    lolololol…I'm watching Fox News just to see Sister Sarah's new wig, and they're actually playing a long commercial for the original hoveround right now. There's a catchy hoveround song and everything!

  32. JMPEsq

    And fuck, Alan Grayson's gone; that makes Frank the only Democratic Congressman with balls left. Fuck you, Florida!

  33. Beowoof

    So there is a republican congress cunt on now talking about repealing health care. Good deal, those of you with preexisting conditions fuck off and die.

    God I live in a country full of retards.

  34. Winnie_Cooper

    I'm still at work and keep reloading philly.com to see who my new senator and governor will be. 4% of precincts reporting, and it looks like they must all be from Philadelphia, because the numbers are way more skewed than the final numbers will be. Dems 70%/Repubs 30%? Only until Pennsyltucky reports in.

    But yeah, for the rest of the country's results, I need to go to my happy place in my head.

  35. Katydid

    OK, O/T here for a moment, sorry, feel free to ignore me, but NBC just released excerpts of an interview with dubya about his new book, and the prick says the worst moment of his presidency was when Kanye West said he doesn't care about black people.

    Blah blah blah blah, "Yes. My record was strong I felt when it came to race relations and giving people a chance. And– it was a disgusting moment."

    What does he mean, exactly, about "giving people a chance" when it comes to race relations? Am I overreacting to that?

    1. Beowoof

      W is clearly not very bright. The worst moment in your presidency was you running and hiding when the country was attacked on 9/11. You were a coward when it came to fighting in Viet Nam and you were a coward as a president.

    2. kenlayisalive

      Yes, surely that beats the day he realized New Orleans levees had broken, or the day someone told him there were no WMD.

      What an utter piece of shit.

    3. weejee

      Not in the least, as long as you don't go sideways and end-up taking a tire tool to the dog. Hold the edge, and when Shrub drops by and offers to autograph his ghost book, use the tire tool on him.

      <this is satire secret service, satire>

    4. Zvi_Bleindmeis

      It's all relative. W fancies himself an open-minded and anti-racist guy. He hired Condy and Colin, fer chrissakes. He spoke out against Muslim-hating. It is Connecticut-prep-school filtered through adopted Texan redneckishness. He allies himself with the evangelicals that are nice to the black people who come to his church. He doesn't use the word "nigger," even though some of his golf buddies do.

      I must be drunk already.

    5. Chet Kincaid

      He feels worse about what Kanye said than about what happened to all those people in New Orleans. Thus proving Kanye's point.

  36. kenlayisalive

    Conway conceding on c-span. gah.

    GAH.

    When will America stop rewarding its head stomping fake doctors?

  37. JMPEsq

    Oh god, the congresswoman who Matthews is interviewing is an idiot; "What will you cut?" "We'll cut the budget" "But what programs?" "The budget"

    1. PresBeeblebrox

      The Teabaggers are about to have a Robert Redford/"The Candidate" moment tomorrow- now they have to realize they actually have to GOVERN instead of being ass-clowny.

    2. Winnie_Cooper

      That's their secret: they just aren't going to track the budget anymore. Think of how much money they will save by not paying attention to how much they are taking in or spending! Those are needless government reports.

    3. Beowoof

      She really had no answers only talking points. Now that the republicans have been elected, they have it tough, they have to do something other than say no.

  38. BrentKockman

    when do we get to launch our billionaire funded, tea-party style grassroots opposition movement?

    1. Beowoof

      I think we need more than one billionaire. Soros alone cannot compete with the republican douche bags billionaires who fund these assholes.

  39. jim89048

    Rand just took the government back, for the people of Kentucky. My people are from Kentucky, Beaver Lick Kentucky to be clear, and I'm not sure we are ready for this kind of pressure.

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