profiles in discourage

ABC Won’t Have Andrew Breitbart’s Expert Poop-Leech Analysis Tonight

But who will preach to us the (misleadingly edited) truth?ABC News released an e-mail they sent to human poop-leech Andrew Breitbart this afternoon telling him he now cannot take part in their election coverage tonight even though America will miss his expertise in accusing minorities of racism. They definitely wanted Breitbart to participate in their online coverage, they say, but they were sick of him pretending he would spend all night on the teevee. It is okay for a peddler of the basest insinuations to talk about elections on their branded box on George Stephanopoulos’ Facebook profile, but not so for broadcast television, on which only but the most banal platitudes can be bandied about, for fear of FCC fines. It only took ABC days to figure out that Breitbart is not a suitable human being to bring anywhere near rational discourse, and so he probably already has flown to Arizona on their dime and everything. How is Breitbart reacting to this mean e-mail he purportedly received?

According to his Twitter, he hasn’t. In fact, he hasn’t done anything on Twitter in 13 hours, even though Election Day is the most important shit-leeching day of the year.

Breitbart is probably trying to sneak onto the set of this ABC thing and will jump out on-air to accuse Brent Musburger of providing housing for pimps in ABC’s college football studios.

Here’s the spanking ABC gave to Breitbart:

Dear Mr. Breitbart,

Sponsored Video

We have spent the past several days trying to make clear to you your limited role as a participant in our digital town hall to be streamed on ABCNews.com and Facebook. The post on your blog last Friday created a widespread impression that you would be analyzing the election on ABC News. We made it as clear as possible as quickly as possible that you had been invited along with numerous others to participate in our digital town hall. Instead of clarifying your role, you posted a blog on Sunday evening in which you continued to claim a bigger role in our coverage. As we are still unable to agree on your role, we feel it best for you not to participate.

Sincerely,

Andrew Morse

Ouch. They “feel it best” for him “not to participate.” Take it easy, ABC. Don’t hurt the boy. [ABC]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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86 comments

      1. LionelHutzEsq

        I keep waiting for FOX News to give me an hour long show just like Glenn Beck, but they refuse to do so.

        Why does FOX News hate the First Amendment and Constitution so! It is like they are controlled by some foreigner who wants nothing but to destroy this great country and our Constitution.

  1. MuslinMosk

    If this was Fox News and not the lamestream left-wing nazi socialist media, his tiny, tiny exaggeration would have netted him a $10 million contract and an STD from Hannity.

    1. Tommmcattt

      He's already carrying an STD from Hannity. He's held on to it since 1992, for sentimental reasons.

      1. LionelHutzEsq

        Actually, the STD from Hannity is nothing compared to the "666" you have to have burned into the top of your skull when you first start working for Newscorps.

  2. obfuscator2

    shirley sherrod and andrew breitbart have now lost gigs as a result of andrew breitbart's overwhelming prickish nature.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      And while Parolee James O'Keefe is still managing on the lucrative "lecture" circuit, at least he doesn't yet have a program on one of the major networks called Activist for Truth and Lulz, which is, I'm sure, what he was aiming for.

    2. problemwithcaring

      Add to that list the idiot ABC producer who thought adding Brietfart to the panel discussion would make it "edgy" or "extremey" or "hashtaggery" or whatever.

  3. stew1

    Maybe he can have that dorky guy who tried to rape the CNN reporter deliver a bunch of pizzas to ABC headquarters WHICH THEY DIDN'T ORDER, HA, HA, HAAAA!!!!

  4. elviouslyqueer

    I would say that Breitbart was butthurt by this stern reprimand and subsequent spanking, but then I realized that he's probably already used to this sort of treatment from his poolboy Lars.

      1. imissopus

        I'm wondering if those douche noodles finally fell victim to the ban hammer of Thor…er, I mean Layne. Otherwise you'd think they would have been over here all day just cold being utter shit heads.

        I'd suggest maybe they're showing some restraint in this, the libtard day of mourning, but that would require them to have empathy, which is a human trait. So, no chance.

      2. TanzbodenKoenig

        That's why we head them off at the pass! BigDouchebag ho, everyone! Let's troll them over there so we don't get trolled over here!

  5. PublicLuxury

    Poor Breitbart. He has been silent because he is working on his fluffed video expose of The ABC news team in an anal orgy with cattle. Or something.

  6. DeLand_DeLakes

    Nobody's heard from him in thirteen hours because that is exactly how long he has been hiding in Intern Riley's closet. Watching. And waiting.

  7. HistoriCat

    Please use any all of the above at random in formulating Mr. Breitbart's response to this important issue.

    Fixed.

    1. glindsey1979

      Please use all of the above at random in formulating any teabag Republitard fuckstick's response to this important issue.

      Fixed more.

  8. glamourdammerung

    Well, if Breitbart had been telling the truth for once, it is not like he would not have had some kind of paperwork showing it.

    I can hardly wait for the Breitard to try to spin this one.

  9. CapeClod

    If they really wanted to boost their ratings they should have had him on and tasered him in the nuts every time he tried to speak. I would have watched that.

          1. Jukesgrrl

            I'm writing that down. I might have to give it a workout this Friday night. Friday seems to be troll night.

  10. obfuscator2

    just find a yak and attach jumper cables to its testicles. it'll sound almost exactly like breitbart's response, but less condescending.

  11. FlownOver

    Coming soon to a teevee near you – the new Breitbart-produced James O'Keefe video proving that Christiane Amanpour and Bill Wyman are the same person.

  12. LionelHutzEsq

    In fact, he hasn’t done anything on Twitter in 13 hours, even though Election Day is the most important shit-leeching day of the year.

    Three words: Mad Coke Bender.

  13. LionelHutzEsq

    I"m sure Breitbart will just send James O'Keefe dressed up in black face to break in to ABC and offer the rational Tea Party position.

  14. Rotundo_

    A valuable perspective on historical developments will be missing from election eve analysis on ABC tonight: How else will the world know what Andy knows? This could have been his moment to shine and let us all bask in the radiance of his brilliant analytical mind. No window into the ocean deep that is Andrew Breitbart's intellect and soul for you, America. I will silently protest by watching Dirty Jobs, eating cheetos and masturbating in solidarity with those who look to Andrew for guidance: The legion of orange-stained tighty-whities.

  15. SecretMuslin

    It's like ABC said: "Who is this Breitbart fellow we keep hearing about? Perhaps he should be invited to our teevee party on election night." I mean, it really seems like they had no idea what a steaming pile of rancid hyena shit he is.

    1. HistoriCat

      Truly, you have the ability to become a television executive. if you can put together thoughts like that.

  16. TanzbodenKoenig

    Awesome! I fucking hate that asshat and now I get one more thing to rattle the rage cage with over on BigDouchebag.com's comment section!

  17. WarAndGee

    Neck springs are popping on The BigGovemint bile blog.

    But you know they could invite and then UNINVITE that pig-faced fart-knockin' attention-clown every couple months to be on the uber-corporate news and he'd accept the invitation every time.

    Vile creature.

  18. SecretMuslin

    I can't imagine why ABC would have closed the comments on this story. Why would they fear the completely sane, measured and rational arguments from Breitbart's minions?

  19. donner_froh

    Dear Mr. Breitbart:

    We have spent several months sucking up to you and the right wing mutants you claim as your audience. We have paid you to rant insane bullshit on our air time and allowed you to insult and demean everyone who doesn't agree with you. We looked the other way when you posted a faked video on your blog–even though we say we are a TV News Organization.

    But now you have gone too far by telling everyone that you will personally dominate and control ABC News election coverage.

    So for doing that you are suspended for one day (Election Day) from your duties with ABC News.

    With pay.

    Yrs Trly,

    Mister BlahBlah

    1. glindsey1979

      Oooh, I know, I know! "Already Been Chewed".

      (Or Atanasoff-Berry Computer, if you so desire.)

  20. PalinPussyPower

    O'Keefe should gather his leftover Viagra and a pair of fuzzy handcuffs from his last "job", and give this fella a pity screw. Erection Night at the Breitbart Complex!

  21. Lucidamente1

    In a related story, Breitbart said he was giving up the ABC post to "spend more time with Riley's family." ABC had no comment.

  22. GuanoFaucet

    Great. Can someone at ABC, maybe that tiny news-gnome Stephanopoulos, throat punch that fuckhead George Will a couple of times live on air next?

  23. Jukesgrrl

    I'm glad to see that Correspondent Waggaman has recused himself from the Breitfart Beat due to his personal interactions with the subject. In the interest of journalistic integrity, it wouldn't do to have someone with such prejudicial information reporting on this crucial story. Once again, Wonkette demonstrates it maintains higher standards than the New York Times. Huzzah!

    1. TanzbodenKoenig

      I'm pretty sure my taint has higher standards than the New York Times, though, to be fair.

  24. BeWoot

    I'm disturbed that Breitbart is apparently going to enjoy a night of unemployment here in Arizona. With me and Asbury Jukes already here, that brings the state's jobless rate to 3! This could ruin Arizona's reputation for peace and plenty.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      i;d offer to by you a drinkeepoo but my popple wont lget me outof the huose sumthing bout mee already being 2 dunk.

  25. Gorillionaire

    Sad, really – you almost never get to hear the far-right angry nutjob perspective in the media anymore.

  26. chascates

    Breitbart said that ABC had shown "cowardice" and had bowed to "left-wing pressure…they know they can do it at any time and any place and ABC will bow to pressure."

    Anytime Breitbart, Limbaugh, Beck or any of the other pro asswads get called out it's due to 'left-wing pressure', not that they themselves are so far right as to almost need white sheets to wear.

Comments are closed.