vote early and eat often

Drop Off Your Ballot and Pick Up a Delicious American Anus Burger

Ronald McDonald for Speaker of the House!There’s no better salve for the empty feeling you get after casting your ballot than the gooey greasy salt-fat blob of a delicious anus burger sliding down your throat to rest in your gut alongside the “beef tallow” sodium stick fries and 72 ounces of corn syrup you just consumed as an appetizer. You might not be able to “change Washington” or whatever, but you can spend your change at the McDonaldland! Thanks to “David F.J.” for the terrible map screenshot.

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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Hola wonkerados.

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  1. metamarcisf

    On his show, Colbert claimed that McDonalds was planning on giving away free McRib Sandwiches all day Tuesday.

  2. SmutBoffin

    Oregon's mail-in voting system is great! I can fill out my ballot, eat anus burgers, and yell at the television ALL AT THE SAME TIME AT HOME.

    The Moon & Sixpence British Pub, huh? KING GEORGE IS WATCHING YOU VOTE

  3. Ruhe

    Dude, if they were still frying those potato strings in beef tallow I'd get the suspension on my scooter reinforced then head down to McD's for a french fry party. But the fact is that the familiar aroma of McDonald's fries crisping in tallow is now just a flavor additive that pretty much dissipates as soon as the fries begin to cool. But why am I wandering off on this? This has nothing to do with the current political scene.

  4. LionelHutzEsq

    Except this is a McDonald's in Portland, OR, so all they serve is soy burgers and weed with a side of teh ghayez.

    1. SmutBoffin

      And the drive-thru is only wide enough for bicycles. And the chicken nuggets come from animals from the store manager's own chicken coop. And the Reed College graduate working the counter will tell you all about Marxist Feminist theory.


      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Wrong on all counts; it's a regular 'murican McDonalds. This sort of promotion really gets out the Portland Republican voters. Both of them, in fact!

          1. glindsey1979

            This is rather O/T, but yesterday I worked quite a bit on a Greasemonkey script that would automatically change the comments of user-selected trolls (or anybody, really) into "HERP DERP DERP". Unfortunately, something that IntenseDebate is doing prevents the page from being modified by the script.

    2. Fuck Toad

      No, that McDonald's is right down the street from a high school. Growing young folks demand 100% beef anus burgers. The vegetarians just have french fries and flavored shake substance.

  5. WarAndGee

    INDECISION 2010: Socialist Mayor McCheese vs. his Republican rival Hamburglar. "You Decide" (Oh fuck, I did, I just typed that shit. Give me negative points, I deserve it.)

  6. PsycWench

    If Repubs gain control of the House and Senate, I'm heading over to the McPlayground to stab myself with some of those used needles supposedly in the ball pit.

  7. chascates

    There's not much difference between a lot of today's candidates and the offerings at that clown place.

      1. LionelHutzEsq

        And I don't think Ronald McDonald claims to be a born again virgin. Although it is true that he doesn't keep his bush neatly trimmed.

  8. magic_titty

    If polling places gave away free Big Macs or Justin Bieber haircuts voter turnout would be tremendous. Look into it, America.

    1. slappypaddy

      used to be a barrel of whiskey was set up on the courthouse steps, with a ladle full doled out for every (white male) voter. them was the daze, yessiree.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Ruh roh. I can already hear the incensed screams of "Conspiracy! Censorship! ABC is denying Brightfart's 1st Amendment rights!" over at Biggovernment.

        1. V572625694

          Wait a minute, wait a minute: who owns ABC? Disney. Are you going to defund Snow White, who lived in a suburban cottage while foreigners (dwarves) worked in the mine to make her rich, while the Socialist Queen (Michelle Obama) plotted to kill her?

          Okay, I didn't think you were.

    2. LionelHutzEsq

      Hardly off topic, as one is a lump of highly processed fatty flesh that is clearly not good for you, and the other is a McDonald's meal.

    3. SecretMuslin

      Oops! Looks like their "pandering to the teabaggers" plan backfired. Now they've just managed to piss off everyone.

    4. JMPEsq

      I love it when they claim a newscast hosted by Richard Nixon's former deputy press secretary is part of the "liberal media".

    5. Lascauxcaveman

      We have spent the past several days trying to make clear to you your limited role as a participant in our digital town hall to be streamed on and Facebook. The post on your blog last Friday created a widespread impression that you would be analyzing the election on ABC News.

      Shorter ABC: You're a self-aggrandizing horse's ass, and we finally noticed.

    6. CapeClod

      This means ABC will need a brilliant, incisive political analyst to replace him. Preferably someone with enormous knockers.

    7. glindsey1979

      Okay, after reading the comments on there, I'm back to "Fuck 'em, let them all get elected and let this motherfucker burn." In fact, I'm about ready to help the radical right-wing cause in whatever way I can, out of hate, just to see them all suffer from their own dipshit policies. Defund every police station, every fire truck, every department of transportation. Let their houses burn and their families be mugged. Let their guns prove useless once they realize the other guys will shoot first, and probably be more accurate too. Let their power fail and their drinking water dry up. Hell, they don't need anybody else, right? Let them get diabetes and cancer and then come up with the six-figure bills to cover it. Let them attempt to compete on a world stage with a second-grade homeschooled ejumakashun.

      Thanks, you right-wing fucktards. You've succeeded in making me into the puppet image you've kept pushing… I actually WANT America to fail, and fail hard, thanks to you.

  9. Iam_Who_Iam

    I have always been very jealous of my sister who gets to do the Iowa caucus thing in a bar. That sounds like lots more fun than my boring trek to the community center to cast a vote in the primary.

  10. Fuck Toad

    Well, if people voting there wanted to change Washington, they'd be cold fucked, since the only national races getting voted on there are OR-3 (Earl Blumenauer, rated as 100% likely to win by 538) and OR-SEN (Ron Wyden, also at 100%).

    Nobody's even bothered to poll for OR-3, and Blumenauer is still projected to win by 40 points. I usually vote for Walt Brown because he's an old socialist coot, but this year he's running for something else. I voted for Earl this year as a fuck-you to teabaggery.

  11. lumpenprole

    I saw this on Fox News. Something about the Hamburgler and rampant voter fraud. I would have paid some attention, but all they really had was this really fat, purple teabagger who kept wheezing on and on about taking his sticky playground back.

  12. Fuck Toad

    Hey, my octogenarian grandma cuts centenarian ladies' hair in that neighborhood. Don't hate.

    It's actually kind of terrifying to see my childhood stomping ground being featured on Wonkette. I had youthful makeout sessions in the parking lot of that actual anus burger vendor.

  13. PDXpletive

    Don't you feel like you've been marked by the Wonkette gods? One of those little dots is my actual house! I think I just had an immaculate abortion

Comments are closed.