street smarts

Meghan McCain’s ‘Perverse Side’ Also Has Election Predictions

Meet your new Nate Silver.Sure, we’ve already caught up with Basil Marceaux to get his election predictions, but what about America’s second-best pundit, The Daily Beast’s Senior Political Analyst Meghan McCain? It turns out she also knows how things will turn out tonight. So who will win? Republicans mostly, and also mostly moderate, so-called (by nobody) “Meghan McCain Republicans,” like Charlie Crist and Lisa Murkowski. Oh, and that latter upset will finally let Meg wrest away the title she deserves: “Alaska is fascinating because it will either confirm or deny Sarah Palin’s reign as kingmaker.” The queen is dead! Long live Queen Meghan! Meghan also admits she has a “perverse side” that makes her do gross stuff like decide Christine O’Donnell will win. Eww!

In an even larger twist of irony, the president will be spending his time tomorrow speaking with Keeping Up With the Kardashians producer Ryan Seacrest. It’s obvious that his administration still thinks he is just a rock star and can somehow get by continuing to act as such.

Ooh, Meg totally slammed that Ryan Seacrest! She is totally on target with that whole “rock star” thing. Hey Obama administration, you haven’t passed any legislation the past two years! Time to stop pretending Obama is Raffi! He needs to do something presidential one of these days.

Get your popcorn ready for tomorrow night, there will probably be more than a few upsets and memorable YouTube moments. Tomorrow night is the Super Bowl

Whoops! No, it’s not, Meghan. It’s a night of election returns, not a football game. Close, though, close!

Charlie Crist, an independent beating Marco Rubio, throwing a wrench in the Tea Party and extreme right winners of the night. I think what will be more interesting than his likely win is how exactly the Republican purists and the rest of Washington will treat him. It is a lonely place for independents in Washington and groupthink rules the roost, sentiment seems to be particularly harsh against former Republicans. Just ask Jesse Ventura or Joe Lieberman.

Yeah, very likely win there. Charlie Crist should definitely consult Jesse Ventura about Washington being a lonely place for independents because Jesse Ventura never held office in Washington. And he should ask Joe Lieberman about the unique challenge of being a former Republican because Joe Lieberman is a former Democrat.

Oh, and Sharron Angle will also “govern as a senator.” That’s cool that Obama will let her have some of his executive power.

Any other dumb predictions, Meg? Perhaps you’d like to pick Alvin Greene? Or a sweeping nationwide victory for the Partito Nazionale Fascista?

In the tight and hugely expensive California race, I predict a win for the former CEO of eBay. I actually see Meg Whitman as one of the next great Republican leaders. Her wealth and small campaign gaffes have strayed the focus of this woman’s success but I see her winning tomorrow and then becoming a strong and effective national leader.

That works too! Be sure to print out a scorecard of Meg’s picks so you can check off each correct prediction as they come through tonight. [Daily Beast]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
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  1. Lucidamente1

    "Poltiical [sic] Analyst Meghan McCain?" if you spent more time concentrating on your typing and less on Ms. McCain's boobies, young man, we wouldn't have these errors.

  2. __kth__

    It's actually somewhat touching seeing Meghan McCain praise all that mavericity, seeing how little her father turned out to have.

  3. MoeDeLawn

    "strayed the focus"? "strayed the focus"?

    I think the grifter's twat-writer is moonlighting for Megs.

    1. CapnFatback

      Christine O'Donnell, on the other hand, claims to never "stray the focus," as doing so would require lust in one's heart.

      1. Bluestatelibel

        I have a feeling "strayed the focus" is about to become a Wonkette classic. If only we all could write such sterling prose, we'd be senior political analysts.

        1. ulTIMum

          Why does my Spellcheck insist on "polytickle analycyst" always when I try and write Ms McCain's job description?

    1. CalamityJames

      …who ran for office with Sarah Palin, who has a retarded son named Trig! Yes, it only took four! I love "Six Degrees of Trig Palin". Who's next?

  4. Neoyorquino

    So, how does this work? If Meghan's tits see their own shadow, then there will be six more weeks of electioneering and recounts?

  5. SayItWithWookies

    Her wealth and small campaign gaffes have strayed the focus of this woman’s success…

    Meghan, honey, your grasp of English has wandered the sensibility of your thoughts.

    1. GuyClinch

      Where do I apply to be HuffPo's new/only copy editor? Meg's essay would maybe get a C+ in 10th-grade English. Or has it been too long since I've been in 10th-grade English (let's see…1985)? Fuck I'm old.

    2. ulTIMum

      "He weaves the thread of his rhetoric beyond the staple of his thought."

      Probably Twelfth Night, and probably the memory is faulty as well.

    3. problemwithcaring

      And if I am translating correctly: It sure is messed up how glaring incompetencies keep people from focusing on her "success."

  6. imissopus

    I wonder if Megs is aware that Whitman is running for governor, not senator, so even if she wins being a strong "national" leader is not too likely. And I'm pretty sure that Gawker story won't be enough to allow Xtine to make up an 11-20% deficit in the polls in under a week.

    Jesus, my morning bowel movement could have made smarter predictions. FIVE AND A HALF LOGS, ALAN!

  7. kenlayisalive

    These are some very interesting predictions, bucking the conventional….oh whatever. Boobs.

    Also, what a boring idiot.

  8. cheetojeebus

    Megs is a lot like a moped. A lot of fun, but you wouldn't want your friends to see you ridin' it.

  9. CapnFatback

    Of course she's making predictions. Just look at her: she has not one, but two crystal balls to consult!

  10. HedonismBot

    If she thinks Crist and O'Donnell will win, then I think we can pretty much discount all the rest of her predictions.
    Hooray! The "Meghan McCain Republicans" DIDN'T just win a majority in the House!!!

  11. obfuscator2

    one monkey with one typewriter could write an infinitely better election prediction article than the steaming load of idiocy megs just pooped out and threw at the internet.

  12. jjdaddyo

    I guess this answers the question: "Does the Daily Beast employ any editors?"
    No, no, it does not.

  13. BombyMcGee

    To be fair to Megs, it's really hard to make good election forecasts while being ferociously motorboated by Tina Brown.

  14. edgydrifter

    Trying to mark off successful picks on Meg's scorecard would be like playing bingo with a card that reads B-G-D-?-V.

  15. fuflans

    That image is very disturbing. I wish you’d have chosen something else. I realize that it’s a shameful part of American history that we should never forget, but it’s too much.

  16. el_donaldo

    I think the prediction about Whitman demonstrates Meghan's astute political thinking, which I boil down to this: "If Whitman wins, that means I'm right, and that's what I want to happen, therefore she will win."

    1. ulTIMum

      Someone who used to write something somewhere took a flyer when the rumors first gathered steam about Paula Abdul leaving American Idyl. She was very assertive that there was nothing to it and Paula would be back. Had Abdul come back, the predictor would've been a contender, a Wonkette star commentator maybe. But she didn't so I can't even remember the writer's name. But then, I didn't know anything about her before, so it was worth a shot.

  17. Sgt_Biyatch

    Does Meghan McCain not have nipples? According to my calculations, there should be some visible in that shot.

    1. Extemporanus

      Much like Charlie Crist and Lisa Murkowski, Meghan McCain's nipples decided to run as Independents.

  18. TakingAmes

    Meghan McCain is the Republicans' version of Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. The only reason anyone pays any attention to her at all is because her Daddy is famous (and rich). I think paying her to "write" for the Daily Beast is like paying Paris to show up (with cocaine) at your new Vegas nightclub. They're hoping it'll bring other Youngs in, and it doesn't really matter if she embarrasses herself in the process as long as it makes them money.

    1. ulTIMum

      You can see the thoughts on medicine from a former Playmate, as well as the considered opinions of plenty of celebrities with similar qualifications, all the day long on Huffpo.

  19. Failed_2_Menace

    Ironic that a guy who has spent his career railing against pork in politics is responsible for such a large slab of it.

  20. BeWoot

    Once upon a time we had "Rockefeller Republicans." Now we have "Meghan McCain Republicans." Is this progress or what.

  21. elviouslyqueer

    Sharron Angle beating Harry Reid, followed by an uncomfortable and possibly bitter concession speech from Harry Reid. This race showcases the complicated Tea Party versus more moderate Republican relationship, which will be further explored in exactly how Sharron Angle will govern as a senator

    Wait a second. Has Megs been hiding in Upper Borneo the last 6 months or so? Angle isn't a showcase for some "complicated Tea Party" ideology. She's more like the lunatic in their lunatic fringe.

  22. Extemporanus

    Speaking of Nate Silver (hey there, alt text!), he's on MSNBC's "Dylan Ratigan Incident" right now, and dude looks like he's literally been up all night on a meth-fueled math bender just cold fuckin' a pile of dusty old Texas Instruments scientific calculators and shit.

    Straighten yer goddamn oversized clip-on tie, Nate — this is some serious business, man, not last call at your cousin's nephew's bar mitzah open bar box wine table!

    1. Limeylizzie

      I just saw him and he looks just awful and was blinking furiously, whoever has him as their pretend boyfriend needs to cuddle him ASAP.

    2. Lucidamente1

      Looked like he just came from the eye doctor and is still trying to get used to the new contacts.

    1. ulTIMum

      There is a relevant passage on this (and everything else) in Ulysses: "He holds my follies hostage."

        1. ulTIMum

          Thank you, and you may be one of the very few to appreciate a very elegant lifting from the novel in question. I have seen no mention of it outside the story, so I point it out whenever the occasion allows. Molly has the mnemonic term 'met him pike hoses' to recall a word she's run across to ask Leopold for the definition (metempsychosis) which she does thusly: “What's he called when he's at home?”Lovely.

  23. MadBrahms

    There's just no way Whitman is going to win California. You can't make predictions just based on people you like / who signed your yearbook, Megs.

  24. BlackRhino

    That picture triggers my inner Clarence Thomas. That’s not a gavel under my robe kiddies.

    By the way, anyone hear about the station in Seattle that brought us the pill popper? KVI, the bastion of rightwing hate talk is going the way of the dodo bird.

  25. EdFlintstone

    Those were some of the worst predictions ever, but I grade on a curve because most of her oxygenated blood goes to those massive tatas and there is limited supply left for her brain.

  26. L188188

    It's funny how her pose in that photo seems to intentionally give equal billing to her gazongas as well as her face.

  27. BeWoot

    You know, if Meghan wore a bra she wouldn't have to hold those mammaries up like that, and then she could use both hands to type that utter horseshit. Should we tell her about women's undies or just wait and hope one of her little friends takes her to the mall?

  28. CapeClod

    These predictions are going to do absolutely nothing for her credibility…which she never had in the first place.

  29. DaSandman

    Those titties are like right wing political divining rods…And her eyes are spinning like she's drinking Adderall spiked Lokos.

    Come show Daddy your special election trick…

  30. sezme

    Problem with Barry is that he hasn't done anything remotely presidential so far. Like start a war. Unlike passing legislation, a pre-emptive strike is totally within his power, and by that measure, he is a failed president. Right, Megs? Right, Tweety?

    A real president would have declared marshal law and cancelled the midterm elections at the very least.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      I'm sure that's what Mom thinks, too. Ol' Maverick's batter chunked up the cold, reptilian beauty of her gene pool. But, tits, so Momma's little girl will be fine.

      This comment sponsored by Ol' Maverick's Batter® Bag Balm, available at your local Farm and Feed Store. The Best Butter For The Udders!™

  31. PabaBritannica

    This is almost as good as Dick Morris picking Tennessee as a swing state.

    I hope she's right about O'Donnell and nothing else.

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