slash fiction

National Review Already Picking Sarah Palin’s Cabinet

C'mon, National Review, THIS MAN is not going to be vice president?There is some sort of election thing happening today, but that’s pretty boring because it’s not a presidential election and it doesn’t involve Sarah Palin. So today is really as good a day as any for the National Review to begin picking Discovery Channel teevee host Sarah Palin’s presidential cabinet, because her election to that job is pretty much a foregone conclusion or whatever; but they say Palin should announce this cabinet like right away, just in case anyone worries she would hire any fellow dumb people on her staff. “A conservative Republican unity ticket dedicated to restoring fiscal and economic sanity in Washington could, if played right, change history.” It could! A dog sniffing a machine gun covered in bacon in front of a crowd of people could also change history, but a President Palin is slightly more likely to happen — and it’s fun to play dollhouse with her impending cabinet selections — so the National Review has done this for all of the positions.

VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
Mitt Romney
WHY: The strongest 2012 candidate right now is “Generic Republican,” and Mitt Romney is as close to a generic Republican as the world is apt to see: silver spoon, plain brown wrapper. He is the vanilla ice cream of American politics: nobody’s favorite, but nobody’s least favorite, either. Smart, decent, reliable. Good to have a guy around who knows how to read a balance sheet, and excellent to have one who has actually turned a profit as a profit-turning enterprise.

Mittens was once a “profit-turning enterprise,” so he probably knows all of his times tables, and that will come in handy while running a country.

SECRETARY OF STATE
John Bolton
WHY: Because he will strike fear into the hearts of our enemies. Our friends, too.

Unnecessary provocation of other countries is a good way to complement Palin’s steady hand and ease at relating with foreign nations. They will trust her intellect and capacity to understand their concerns, surely, but we wouldn’t want anyone to think we won’t nuke them at any second for no particular reason.

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SECRETARY OF HOMELAND SECURITY
Rudy Giuliani
WHY: Because we need some steel in our spine on everything from border-control to straightening out TSA. Also, why should Tina Fey dominate all the wig-and-dress action in a Palin administration? Also, Rudy owes the world an act of penance after failing to run for governor of New York, leaving the field to Carl Paladino.

Yes, some steel in our spine, like the steel that fell on 9/11. Give the Homeland Security job to a former mayor who was on the job when the nation’s worst terrorist attack happened. Is it fair to blame him for not stopping 9/11? No. But it’s also not fair to say he should take charge of the country’s intelligence agencies just because he happened to be around in a place where a terrorist attack happened. But the benefit of putting him on Palin’s “team” is allowing her to say “9/11″ constantly, which voters love.

Seems like a strong cabinet! This will definitely happen. Why can’t we just let them take power now? [NR]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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164 comments

      1. Hipple, Rev. Paul T.

        that is just sick that you would persecute an innocent baby Christian—fyi, mongoloids such as Baby Trip are not 'crips'…they can walk about just fine, there only problemis they drool a lot which last time I checked the dictionary is NOT in the definition of a crip.

        1. kenlayisalive

          Hey look, I wasn't sure if that joke would work with retards, but I went for it anyway.

          Life's a journey, ya know?

    1. freakishlywrong

      Or Canada. Due to "fictional" climate change, Messico will be hella hot. We laughed at the baggers' and we are now getting the country they deserve. All the media has to do is keep talking about Palin and mainstreaming her presidiency, and voila'!

      ♪What would Brian Boitano do?♫

      1. Boredw/Gravity

        Brian Boitano would skate his ass to one of the lovely frozen Skandinavian countries. And make everyone there hors d'evours.

  1. qwerty42

    John Bolton as SoS!?! Geeze, he would fit in with the overall delusional nature of the selections. So this has gotta be win!

  2. DaSandman

    It might just be time for the National Review pervs to take a moment or two off from their compulsive "Sarah with a gun" fapping and read some fucking news.

    OK she's attractive in a slut mom whose boning the JV football team way, but you fuckballs really need to get out more.

  3. smokefilledroommate

    Secretary of Defense: Curbstomper

    Secretary of Labor: Joe the Plumber

    Secretary of Education: Basil Marceaux.com

  4. Golfing_OJ

    Meh, my eyes actually thought that one thing said "Because we need some stool in our spine…" Like I think of Gui911ani and poop at the same time.

  5. FlownOver

    So when QuittyLady quits, we get the hair-helmet guy to run the country and issue special underwear for everyone?? Pass.

    Also, I'm thinkin' Pat Buchanan for Secretary of OhMyGodThere AreBrownPeopleInHere! (or, as Politico, refers to it, OMGTABPIH)

  6. SmutBoffin

    SECRETARY OF THE INTERIOR
    Samwise Gamgee
    Has considerable experience with plants 'n' shit. Once stabbed an Orc and that was kickass. Good relations with Liberal Elfs and conservative Dwarfs alike.

    SECRETARY OF LABOR
    That Guy From Police Academy Movies That Makes Sounds With His Mouth
    Good grasp of issues facing employers and employees alike. Have you heard him imitate a cash register? Hilarious!

  7. JMPEsq

    "A conservative Republican unity ticket dedicated to restoring fiscal and economic sanity"

    National Review, you forgot the in- that belongs at the beginning of that last word.

  8. Steverino247

    The Banality of Evil is being replaced with The Banality Surrounding the Banality of Yokel. Let's stop adding layers to the Bullshit Onion shall we, guys?

    1. Extemporanus

      "If the country needed me to be Press Secretary — and I'm not saying that the country does and that the country would ever necessarily want to choose me over anyone else — but I would be willing to make the sacrifices if need be for America."

      - Sarah Palin Soundboard

      [ALSO, TOO: That link really IS to a ginormous "Sarah Palin Soundboard", you guys — it's like an ear-bleedingly addictive anti-Hawking retarded robot voiced word salad shooter!]

  9. SayItWithWookies

    Ha — like Romney'll play second banana. To Palin, of all people. Who probably won't run because she knows her fellow Republican presidential aspirants and what a shitstorm they'll kick up clawing each others' eyes out for the nomination.

    1. V572625694

      But not if Sarah can get all her competitors to accept seats in her cabinet! Don't you see how brilliant this plan is?

      Okay, Bolton's probably dumb enough to fall for it, I'll give you that.

    2. HistoriCat

      Hell if I was Romney I'd go for it. If she thinks being Governor of Alaska is too hard, then being President will really suck. After about a year or 18 months she resigns and we finally get to have President Romney.

    3. TakingAmes

      They should just go ahead and give Mittens the nom. Everyone knows that's how it'll wind up anyway, so if they knew what was good for 'em, they'd just skip all the primary nonsense and crown him. He was the runner-up last time, this is how it works for the Rs, folks. A knock down drag out primary fight will only wind up with the same result and make everyone look bad… Oh wait, that's why. Carry on.

      1. kenlayisalive

        Yep. And Obama did the hard work of passing that asshole's Health Care Plan, so he's already half-way there.

  10. PsycWench

    I wistfully recall AMC's description of John Bolton as someone who rammed a chinchilla up his nose until only the tail showed.

    1. Limeylizzie

      I saw him on Central Park South a couple of weeks agao, he was walking into a deli , so I immediately changed course and followed him, just so I could see that stache up close, gosh he is one unattractive man, he was ordering some pastrami item and I snapped a shot of him with my phone, but it was a lousy picture. The chinchilla vision is very apt though.

      1. kenlayisalive

        Wow, it really takes them out of the tv and makes you realize these fuckers are just walking around eating pastrami sandwiches. The banality of evil, or something.

      1. Ducksworthy

        Glennda would be more suited to being Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. Maybe there'll be an opening.

  11. binarian

    This 'tard thinks it'd be a good idea to hand the VA back to the DoD. Fucking idiot chicken hawk NeoCon.

  12. V572625694

    Okay, went and looked, and it appears to be a "serious" speculative article. So what kind of a but-still para could follow this, you ask? "You don’t have to think Sarah Palin is dull to agree that expounding on fine-grained policy detail has not been her forte…"

    Okay, how about this: "But somebody has to talk about the policy stuff, too."

    I'm convinced! "Policy stuff"– somebody's gotta talk about it!

    1. JMPEsq

      I don't think anyone finds Sarah Palin dull. Stupid, shrill, a famewhore, a quitter, dumb, overexposed, using her kids for props, moronic, hateful, hypocritical, an idiot, a liar, narcissistic, and an imbecile, yes, but never dull and boring.

      1. V572625694

        I think the writer meant “dull” in the not-the-sharpest-chisel-in-the-carving-set sense, but you are correct as well.

  13. donner_froh

    “A conservative Republican unity ticket dedicated to restoring fiscal and economic sanity in Washington could, if played right, change history.”

    Not that it makes sense under any circumstances but how do you get "right" (correct) into a description of anything done by Sarah Palin, the chubbies at NR and any combination of fuckheads like Bolin, Gulliani and Romney?

    1. PsycWench

      And note that it will change history even more if it is played wrong, which as you've indicated is certain.

    2. Jukesgrrl

      Yep, they have chubbies at NR alright. They get them every time they think about Bible Spice. The creation of this article must have been a history-making fapfest.

  14. Amaravilha

    Also, Rudy owes the world an act of penance after failing to run for governor of New York, leaving the field to Carl Paladino.

    Where have you gone Enrico Lazio? National Review turns its large backside to you….

  15. CapeClod

    Why don't they write a comic book about the Sarah Palin adminstration? And while they're at it, give them all super powers.

  16. Failed_2_Menace

    The Senate confirmation hearings for Levi as Secretary of Getting Pounded in the Ass at Guantanamo will be laden with palace intrigue.

  17. BrentKockman

    I get it now – Sarah Palin is so hell-bent on being a pundit, political kingmaker, and eventually president to get away from her family and the horrible shame that she has a down-syndrome baby.

    There is a deep psychological thing going on here: she's a failure as a mom and she was punished for her sinful, prideful ways by the good lord and given this burden to humble her. And now she's running away from it as fast as she can and riding the billion-dollar campaign train to get away from her unbearable self-loathing and guilt.

    I almost would pity her if she wasn't such a cunt.

    1. GOPCrusher

      I think, that in her mind, she already sees herself as a pundit and political kingmaker who is Gawd's Chosen to be the next President Of The United States.
      Having a family was all part of Gawd's Plan, since they make a wonderful campaign prop.

  18. EdFlintstone

    Ah yes fiscal sanity also known as a "common sense conservative", because the best way to balance the budget is to start by giving the top 2% percent a tax cut and eliminate the estate tax. Its common sense, like the 200 pound person who wants to get down to 150 and thinks the best way to do it is to balloon up to 250 first. Now who could find the flaw in that logic.

    1. PsycWench

      I'm no economist, but based on my observations here in rural Virginia, people with a lot of money will take their extra money and stick it in stocks or the like. People with very little money will take their extra money and buy stuff with it. Which one of those will help the economy the most?

    2. Jukesgrrl

      Had all the Federal money that pours into Alaska been removed, would the half-governor have been able to balance Alaska's budget in her glory years of "executive leadership"? I didn't think so. Fiscal conservative my ass.

  19. Giveusabob

    Where may I cast my vote for the bacon/machine gun sniffing dog? It's still election day, and that sounds like the best candidate I've seen in years.

  20. Sgt_Biyatch

    I'm completely amazed that Palin is still in the presidential conversation. That she hasn't been exposed for the lying, charlatan dipshit that she is, is beyond my comprehension. Then again, when Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton become celebrated for getting pounded on camera, maybe it's not such a stretch. Hell in a handbasket, I tells ya.

  21. Lucidamente1

    Bolton: yeah, that'll scare 'em. Pushing to defund initiatives to prevent the spread of nuclear material will have Al-Qaeda shitting itself in no time ("wait, you mean he wants to make it easier for us to get hold of loose nukes? Awesome!")

    Giuliani: don't you feel safer already? This is the genius who put his anti-terrorism command center *in* the World Trade Center, and who never got around to having police and fire department radios communicate with each other. Good times.

    1. glindsey1979

      It makes perfect sense, because these bastards are just ACHING for another terrorist attack. I mean, look at what it got them LAST time?

      Just make sure the attack hits one of the heavily Democrat-populated areas. Cause, you know, they're a bunch of FAKE Americans who just happen to inhabit this land.

  22. Ruhe

    I have a perverse desire to see Palin as President and I do wish we could simply let her take over now because while a Palin administration would be a delicious (if dangerous) fail-a-ganza the embarrassingly lame campaign she'll mount to actually run for the office will be tortuous to watch.

    1. JMPEsq

      It's been a nice civilization, and was good while it lasted. We can leave a note for the cetaceans and/or cephalopods that they shouldn't be exploring the land since it's an irradiated mess, but at least their seas should be mostly recovered from what we did by the time they've gotten to the point they can read it.

      1. jus_wonderin

        My hope is that the aliens that live among us would save us from a Palin Presidency. I wouldn't know how they might go about it; though it would be fun to watch from a distant mountain top or secret alien proof bunker.

        1. JMPEsq

          Any aliens among us, though, probably actually are hoping for a Palin Presidency for the comedy value, since they can avoid having to live with the consequences. (And the fallout will render Canada deadly too, so we can't just flee there).

  23. MistaEko

    And these were the folks who mocked Obama supporters as naive dreamers expecting him to ride in on a unicorn.

  24. fuflans

    i eagerly await the palin cabinet magnetic dress up dolls.

    my fridge is getting sick of magnetic poetry.

  25. metamarcisf

    I agree with some of the choices: Michael Bolton for Secretary of State, who can argue with a no-talent ass clown like that? And how 'bout Jan Brewer for White House Press Secretary? Not to mention Bryan Fischer for the new post of Secretary of Creation Science

  26. BrentKockman

    I would call Bolton and Gi911ianni a couple of buggering wankers, but that would be an insult to buggering wankers.

    I mean really, who the fuck thinks either of these guys is tough? Napoleon-complex, limp-dicked, overcompensating physical weaklings with crippled intellects to match.

    1. glindsey1979

      You know, I remember some people in the theater actually gasping in shock and horror when he died.

  27. Eve8Apples

    Secretary of Defense – Michele Bachmann – because 2 crazy bitches in charge of the world's largest stockpile of nuclear weapons should scare everyone into submission.
    Secretary of Labor – Joe the Plumber – the guy desperately needs a real job.
    Secretary of Agriculture – Lindsey Graham – ham biscuits for everyone!!!!
    Press Secretary – Sharon Angle – the only person who hates the lamestream media more than Palin.

  28. __kth__

    The parody version would have Mitch Daniels for Treasury Secretary, because as Bush's OMB director he was instrumental in the Bush admin's deficit reduction efforts.

    (clicks over to real version, sees Mitch Daniels for Treasury Secretary); unfuckingbelievable, these people.

  29. MLite

    Good Lord just read the comments section on this little poop jewel of brilliance; they're falling over themselves to suggest more fucktards to serve under St. Sarah of Wasilla. LOL Imagine Mitt Romney as Number 2 (snicker, pun, snicker) to Sarah Palin. Say what you will about the Mitt, but under the onion layers of pandering, there's a smart guy…now imagine him sitting in on briefings with Ms. 10-year BA. And with John Bolton running around trying to nuke Canada for hiding Muslin anchor babies, it all sounds like Parker & Stone's sitcom sequel to That's My Bush. But who will play Levi?

  30. Urban_Achiever

    Is it wrong that I read this as "a Republican unity ticket dedicated to restoring FECAL and economic sanity sanity in Washington could, if played right, change history.”

  31. Terry

    "Is it fair to blame him for not stopping 9/11? No. But it’s also not fair to say he should take charge of the country’s intelligence agencies just because he happened to be around in a place where a terrorist attack happened. "

    In Rudy's defense, he didn't sit around grinning like an idiot when the attacks started like Dubya did. So there's that.

    1. CapeClod

      On the other hand, he milked it for every last drop of political mileage he could. If left to his own devices, he probably would have erected a thousand foot statue of himself at what was left of the Trade Center site.

      1. Terry

        Pretty much, yes. On a slightly different subject, I'm surprised there isn't a huge statue of Bush in Bagdad.

  32. CapeClod

    Since Greta Van Susteren already serves as Palin's Proganda Minister, she might as well do it on the federal level.

    And don't make me laugh about her having a "Press Secretary." Those corrupt bastards will be tossed in jail between the oath of office and the inauguration speech.

  33. WhatTheHeck

    And to prove she's no Washington insider, President Palin will move the Capitol to Wasilla.
    All the intellectuals will be rounded up and all the people who made fun of her will be fed to the two remaining polar bears.

    And secretary of the Interior will be BP

    1. Rosie_Scenario

      Except she doesn't want to stay in Wasilla or Alaska. One reason why she quit as guv was that she needs to be free to roam the U.S. from the small towns of Real America to the large cities of the elites — more fertile ground for grifting, gift bags, speaking engagements, etc.

    2. kenlayisalive

      Uh, that reminds me – in the case of a Palin Presidency, is it possible to fully and completely delete and destroy for all time one's Intense Debate account?

    1. slappypaddy

      no can do. last time i snared an h-bird, homeland security dragged me in. white lights, lee greenwood music up loud, and barking dogs. i about wet my fur. turns out the hummers are protected by federal law and international treaty. homeland security told me registered democrats aren't allowed to partake, i'd have to change my voter registration to republican, then i could have all the hummingbird i wanted. i told them i'd rather be beat with rubber hoses. they told me they'd be happy to do that, but on the backstroke i broke free–hey, i sport eighteen switchblades and a set of fangs–and scampered my furry ass out of there.

  34. CapnFatback

    ☛ What if Charles Krauthammer were the the starting quarterback for the New England Patriots, and who would be his offensive line?

    ☛ What if Wilford Brimley had the starring role in a biopic about Rosa Parks, and who would be his supporting cast?

    ☛ What if Trig were Zeus–who would be the lesser gods?

    All more plausible, more sensible questions to ask, not to mention most likely answered better than attempted by the dreck at NRO.

  35. bordo2

    Don't worry, folks. The grifter queen of Wasilla is not going to run for president. She's living the life she always wanted –lots of attention and no work– and making more money than God. She's always complaining about press scrutiny, but a presidential run would turn up the volume to 11 and she can't take it. Like Newtie the Twat, she will milk the pathetically stupid sheeple who think she rocks for every dime she can grab, but never actually run for anything.

  36. SecretMuslin

    The Ag Secretary is the CEO of ADM?! And Energy Sec is Sunoco CEO?! Fox, meet henhouse… Awesome way to guarantee that we are all dead from pesticide overdoses and that all of our waterways are nothing but thick black sludge. It's morning in America!

  37. donner_froh

    With almost any other publication one would figure this article was an attempt at humor. President Sarah Palin, ha, ha.

    Since the NR staff's idea of comedy is getting a good laugh from kicking a puppy or ice-axing a baby harp seal, maybe not.

  38. Texan_Bulldog

    Actually, shouldn't Snowbilly be crying sexism here? What? The first woman president is incapable of picking her own cabinet? Heck, even the colored guy got to pick his own cabinet!

  39. jus_wonderin

    I think it would be so sad to realize, after beating the beejesus out of my Palin pinata, that it wasn't actually a pinata after all. Okay, maybe not sad…really.

  40. HELisforHEL

    I know–WTF? They accuse we Liebral Muslins of being welfare cheats, but they certainly seem to have much much more time on their hands to sit on their fat asses thinking up this tripe every day.
    Of course, it could just be because they have no interests, no friends/family/loved ones, nothing to occupy their time other than Snowbilly fapping.
    Ewww.

  41. JMPEsq

    It's Dungeons and Dragons for sports nerds, not jocks. And yeah, they'll deny the title, but someone who can tell you the score of some random game in 1967, along with every starting player and where the quarterbacks went to college, is as much of a nerd as those of us who can name the comic Wolverine first appeared in (Incredible Hulk v1 180).

  42. Rotundo_

    The sad part is, I think this started out as some sort of tongue in cheek giggle about a Palin presidency (after all, per Politico, the republican establishments' long knives are coming out after tonight) but most of the respondents are taking it seriously. These assholes are already measuring up the drapes and designing the new oval office rug (eagles taloning Osama (or Obama?)) and painting flames and pasting big "1" stickers all over Air Force One. They might want to see how 2 years of gridlock and horseshit ala the Clinton era play out with the american people. We all know that these assholes always over play the hand dealt to them.

  43. mumbly_joe

    Geez, John Bolton? What, was USAF Brigadier General Jack D. Ripper not available for comment by press time, or something?

  44. PabaBritannica

    I thought Rudy would make a good Secretary of HS. Only it has to be named "Secretary of 9/11".

  45. PabaBritannica

    "Secretary of Labor
    Lincoln Diaz-Balart
    WHY: Poetic to have Fidel Castro’s Republican nephew slugging it out with the labor unions that remain the last robust vestige of old-fashioned thug socialism in the United States."

    Ha Ha. Yes, we need as many adversaries of the very things they deal with in there as possible. Why not nominate someone who oppresses unions even more, like…Fidel Castro.

    Idiots.

  46. Chet Kincaid

    "Also, why should Tina Fey dominate all the wig-and-dress action in a Palin administration? Also, Rudy owes the world an act of penance after failing to run for governor of New York, leaving the field to Carl Paladino. "

    Not only has the National Review violated "Wankette's" trademark on "also", but they have botched the placement as well. Compensatory and punitive damages or shut the fuck down. NR that is. Also.

    1. tribbzthesquidz

      One of our friendly trollz ruined that joke for me the other day. I guess the terristz have won.

  47. doxastic

    There is no better description of the problem with John Bolton and the rest of his war crimes buddies than "striking fear in the hearts of our friends"

  48. snoopyfan2010

    Giuliani? Didn't that guy run for another nationally elected office? America's mayor or something???

    Also, I sense a bit of extra snipe in Mr. Stuef's posts lately. Bravo!

  49. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Or Mittens, he'd probably put it on top of his car and have his hand out the window holding onto it so it won't fly off while he's doing 75mph down the highway.

  50. HELisforHEL

    The idea of Mittens ever having done anything remotely close to 'manual labor' is impossible to contemplate. It would muss up his manicure.

Comments are closed.