Everybody loves guns, republicans, and corn-syrup pie!For the fifth time since October, an innocent military facility in Virginia has been savagely shot by some armed weirdo. The shooter is probably a former Marine and current nutcase, according to FBI agent Clarice Starling. And this time, the victim was a Coast Guard recruiting office in Woodbridge, Va. The same gunman probably shot at the Pentagon’s exterior walls and some Marines museum and a couple of other military buildings in Northern Virginia. But is the American Military really the target?

In Virginia, most buildings are military buildings. So there’s a chance the shooter is just firing at whatever’s nearby, and whatever’s nearby happens to be the Pentagon or the Coast Guard recruiting office or something along those lines, because what else is in Virginia besides strip malls and what’s his name’s house, the guy who banged slaves?

In other “crazy Americans shooting everybody and everything” news, two people were shot at a store this morning in New Hampshire, a couple of guys were shot on the New Jersey Turnpike, three people were shot (and two killed) in Austin, and another couple of hundred or thousand people or cops or buildings were shot everywhere, for reasons ranging from “about to get fired from Wal-Mart” to “voices in my head.”

(In the case of the Wal-Mart shooter in Reno, police say he bought ammo at that particular Wal-Mart and then used it on three store managers.)

Be careful out there!

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  • Fare la Volpe

    "because what else is in Virginia besides strip malls and what’s his name’s house, the guy who banged slaves?"

    Strom Thurmond?

    • SayItWithWookies

      Robert E. Lee?

      • SmutBoffin

        Pharaoh Ramses II?

        • Extemporanus

          Every single white male Virginian born before 1850?

      • HateMachine

        Everyone in Virginia?

    • loquacioustunes

      The correct phrase is "made sweet love to, forcibly."

  • TakingAmes

    What are the odds the shooter(s) purchased their weapons(s) legally?

  • slappypaddy

    i thought gyrenes was better shots than that.

    • I guess he got the "This Is My Rifle. This is my gun!" chant mixed up. Uses his gun for fun and his dick for fighting.

    • Lazy Media

      How do we know he has a grudge against the military? Maybe he just hates military BUILDINGS, in which case his marksmanship is exemplary.

      Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: [referring to Lee Harvey Oswald and mass murderer Charles Whitman] Do any of you people know where these individuals learned how to shoot?
      [Private Joker raises his hand.]
      Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Private Joker?
      Private Joker: Sir, in the Marines, sir!
      Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: In the Marines! Outstanding! Those individuals showed what one motivated Marine and his rifle can do! And before you ladies leave my island, you will all be able to do the same thing!

  • SexySmurf

    2nd amendment solutions.

    • Extemporanus

      In the case of buildings, I believe they're referred to as "2nd Story remedies" (aka "stairs").

  • Beowoof

    This is why we should all be packing. Up here in liburl New York I am ready to go to court for my pistol permit so I can go get my Dirty Harry .44 Magnum. What is the need you ask? Well to defend myself against Carl Paladino supporters of course. Win or lose someone is getting shot at.

  • tribbzthesquidz

    Young Buns. Gun Bungs.

    • A new way to play Tejas Hold 'em?

  • Serolf_Divad

    When John Dennis Gillane on Friday morning parked his vehicle at the South Reno Walmart where he has worked the past nine years, authorities said he was armed with two handguns and intent on discussing employer “grievances.”

    I'm totally on board with the NRA when it comes to laws restricting firearms ownership. See, If we restrict gun ownership in this country then aggreived employees will have no choice but to resort to Unionization to address their concerns with managment, and Unionization is bad for the economy. So I say we just keep the status quo and allow pissed off employees to hunt down their managers and bossess and shoot them dead in the hallway as they plead for their lives and the children who will grow up without a parent. I'm pretty sure that's what Jesus would have wanted.

    • V572625694

      Or, "Look who's doing the firing now, muthafucka!"

      • Serolf_Divad

        Gotta confess.. it's kinda cathartic just imagining it.

    • glindsey1979

      I think the Teabag Rule is that you automatically get the wife and children of whomever you kill.*

      * If it's a woman… nah, I'm just kidding, Teabaggers won't allow a woman to be dominant over a man!

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      Where in the constitution does it call for well-regulated unions, hmmm?

    • SmutBoffin

      This will only start an arms race between employees and management. Every workplace will now be an armed camp.

      • Serolf_Divad

        Yeah, but the hard working, blue collar Joes with grime under their fingernails who make the machines run spend weekends drinking whiskey and shooting up empty oil drums. They've got much better aim than the papered, well groomed, college boys in managment who spend their free time snorting cocained off the assess of high priced hookers.

    • charlesdegoal

      Somehow, the phrase "hoisted by its own petard" comes to mind.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    You don't need to purchase guns in Va. They just hand that shit out on I-95 so you can exercise your constitutional right to shoot up buildings.

  • Joe Manchin needs to dial it back a bit.

  • MrsBiggTime

    In general, Virginians have a problem with seamen.

  • V572625694

    Quibble time: the Coast Guard is not part of the military. It is part of the Department of Homeland Security. They just wear those cute outfits because they're gay.

    • MrsBiggTime

      If the Coast Guard is gay, what does that make the Navy?

      • V572625694

        Longer voyages = more sexytime! Why do you think the admirals have those Filipino houseboys running around in loincloths?

      • Serolf_Divad

        The Navy are all tops, the Coast Guard are all bottoms.

        • MrsBiggTime

          The Coast Guard guys is just Navy seamen who got discharged.
          You know what they say in the Coast Guard, if you don't sleep on your back, someone else will.
          Thanks folks! Here all weekend at Liberty University's Greenbriar Room. Drive home safe now!

          • elviouslyqueer

            I like the cut of your jib, sir or madam.

          • MrsBiggTime

            My jib's uncut. Oh, and seamen. Just had to say 'seamen' again.

          • bagofmice

            As long as someone is bringing the seamen.

          • Whatever

            Ah, to hell with the coasties…
            Nice shootin' MBT.

      • Lazy Media

        America's global force for good. No, seriously, I saw something on TV about it.

  • Fare la Volpe

    And to think all this could have been averted if we'd just had prayer in public school…

    • Extemporanus

      There are no edifices in foxholes.

      • twogoats

        did someone already make the mandatory "maybe he has an edifice complex" comment?

        • Extemporanus

          I came thisclose to doing just that, but I had some vague recollection of having maybe done so previously.

          However, it appears that I was mistaken, so you totally WIN, doscabras.

    • V572625694

      And got rid of Illegals, and banned gay marriage. See? The answers to our problems all so simple!

  • Oblios_Cap

    The shooter is probably a former Marine and current nutcase, according to FBI agent Clarice Starling.

    Clarice, eh? Baaaa!!!

    Wait! I thought all members of the military, past and present, were heroes who defended our freedumbz. But now, here's one shooting at buildings like some kinda Froot-Loop. I is so confused.

    • They are Heroes when blowing up women & children in Brown Countries, and they are Terrorists when they come home and do it here.

  • i_AM_ready

    I've always wished that some nut would shoot up the NRA building. If they did it repeatedly, say, once a month, the NRA might have a hard time finding anyone willing to work for them.

    What can I say, I'm a sucker for poetic justice.

    • Crank_Tango

      Poetic justice sure beats judicial poetry–have you ever read scalia's haiku? I never knew anyone could so deeply ponder dick cheney's rectum in 17 syllables…

    • 4TheTurnstiles

      The NRA headquarters is down the street… in Northern Virginia. It's really fucking visible from HWY 50 and I-66, with the big ass red neon NRA on it. My point: it'll get shot soon enough, because the FBI doesn't have such a good track record with murderous right-wing nutjobs (anthrax in the mail anyone)?

      • Lazy Media

        It's actually worth a visit, if you like looking at antique guns and can stand the proximity to crazy. They have one hell of a gun museum. Just don't talk to anyone.

        • twogoats

          No, it's like the Mormon pagent in Palmira, NY. The ones you talk to there are really nice (BYU blonds, with freckles) and reasonable. It's the ones come to your house for the follow up recruitment you gotta watch.

  • natoslug

    The obvious solution is MORE GUNS NOW! If everyone were carrying, only a nutjob would dare shooting people. Oh wait . . .

  • edgydrifter

    No story here, folks. Go about your business. Unless the shooter is leftist or Muslim or brownish or (shudder) some combination of these, in which case this is the worst crisis our nation has faced since 9/11–blessed be its numbers–and proof of Obama's criminal negligence of America's security and grounds for his impeachment.

    • V572625694

      Don't forget Illegals! They can do more than behead Arizona ranchers, you know!

      But, wait, do Illegals have Second Amendment rights? Let's check w/the NRA:

      NRA: Fuck yeah! Gunz for all, all the time! Don't take away our FREEDOM!

  • chickensmack

    I can't wait until Eric Cantor claims it was his office that drew the fire. Again.

  • MistaEko

    I blame the Call of Duty 4 generation of shooters.

    Not for portratying dramatically realistic scenes of violence, mind you, but for adding in the "take enough potshots and the building gets deformed" subroutine into the physics engine. Our youths don't know any better!

  • Extemporanus

    Awnings, too.

  • Come here a minute

    Time to crack open a nice Chianti.

  • It ain't a Marine. A Marine would take the building on mano a mano.

  • CapeClod

    I'll bet Dick Cheney is responsible for about 37% of all these shootings.

    • And he slept in. Too, also.

    • chickensmack

      If you haven't noticed his recent pictures, I don't think he could survive the recoil anymore.

    • bagofmice

      As long as the building apologizes.

  • those are SOP in C'Addle.

  • JMPEsq

    If only those buildings were armed, they could've shot back at the guy and the crisis would be over!

  • Is Halliburton the contractor for fixing chips in walls?

  • joobajooba

    Funny you should mention Eric Cantor — who claimed he was a target because someone shot at one of his offices, until Richmond police said it was a random incident.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      You're new here, aren't you? We snarked that one to death when it happened.

      Unfortunately, the comments did not survive the transition to our shiny new forum.

    • joobajooba

      Not new, just wondering: what's Cantor been doing THIS week?

  • Steverino247

    I thought you had to be over six feet tall to join the Coast Guard. That way, if the boat sinks you can wade ashore.

    Obviously, this shooting is the work of someone under six feet tall!!!

  • WarAndGee

    Too bad we can't talk to any of these people. We don't negotiate with terrorists.

  • James Michael Curley

    This would never happen in Jersey. The buildings shoot back and dispose of your body in their own foundation.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    A Marine from Austin who does WWII German cosplay travels the NJ Turnpike to shoot up WalMart managers in Virginia because the voice of Johnny Cash is singing in his head about shooting a man in Reno. He votes Republican.

    The Second Amendment goes meta!

  • stew1

    Smoking game for election night (British scientists say alcohol too dangerous, so doing Thai Sticks tonight): every time someone says "tsunami".

  • 4TheTurnstiles

    I've been to that Wal-Mart. I'm tired of people getting shot for no good reason, people losing their marbles because they can't cope with the fucked-up situation neoliberalism has put us in, &c. I'm out of snark. This just sucks.

  • An_Outhouse

    I think this is the work of the New Wethermen. Freak out old white people while nobody gets hurt. It reeks of Bill Ayers.

  • Mindblank

    We can haz apocalips time, now?

  • glindsey1979

    You know, it's hilarious that everybody thinks that movie was a satire. Parker and Stone were actually trying their hardest to make right-wing propaganda.

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