the oracle of tennessee

Basil Marceaux’s Midterm Predictions


When you’re looking for a solid prediction of today’s results, to whom do you really want to turn? Nate Silver? Mark Halperin? The Cook Political Report? No. You turn to this campaign season’s best candidate, Basil Marceaux. Marceaux told us the Republicans will win three seats, which is enough to control the House. (To be fair, before he said this he was discussing about the FEC, which he says controls the whole system, making our country a democracy, even though the Pledge of Allegiance says it’s a republic.) After the jump, Basil makes his prediction in the Nevada Senate race.

Basil’s right, though. The real question in these midterms is whether our country is still a democracy or if it goes back to being a republic. We all know that Democrats want it to be a democracy and Republicans say they want it to be a republic, but will the Republicans really come through on their campaign promise to honor the Pledge and turn this country back into one? That’s the biggest issue facing the next Congress, and it’s too bad Basil won’t be there to address it. Sharron Angle may think it’s more important for our government to follow the Bible, but it’s much more important to follow the Pledge of Allegiance.

Basil also mentioned he has people taking “movie pictures” of him, something we’ve written about. He seemed pretty giddy about it, so we’re happy for him. All we hope is that some Tennessee alt-weekly follows up to make sure those people pay him and don’t just exploit him for his brilliant viral message about the perils of traffic-stop slavery.

Meanwhile, Basil wants you to know that he has released a song.

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
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45 comments

  1. Ducksworthy

    Actually, I've come to agree with MoveOn that what the Republicans want is to turn this country into a wholly owned subsidiary of GlobalCorp.

    1. SmutBoffin

      I think it's more like a franchise operation; the United States will become FreedomLand (TM) #215 (John Boehner, general manager).

      1. Ruhe

        Is FreedomLand hiring yet? I want to get in on the ground floor, then when I've had enough I'll publish my "FreedomLand Diaries" and go live in France.

        1. SmutBoffin

          We have a number of exciting positions opening up!

          ASSOCIATE JISM-MOPPER: The I90 Porn 'n' Dash Recreation Annex needs a new mop operator. Experience with albumin stains a plus.

          ARTISAN AMPHETAMINE RETAILER: The Kansas City outdoor Meth Mart seeks a motivated salesperson with a working knowledge of bathtub amphetamine synthesis. Apply at corner of 5th and Market.

          ANUSBURGER COOK: Requires ability to lift 50 lb. bags of anus. Oh, and if you can work a grill that's good too.

          1. Ruhe

            "Artisan Amphetamine". And that's why the troglodytes hate us, because we ruin everything they love by taking it and making it fancy.

          1. StillGoinGreen

            And this thread, ladies and gentlemen, is the story of my life. I begin to research something in earnest, only to inevitably end up somewhere on some sick porn website – saying to myself, "can you really do that??!!" I am, however, glad to see that many here also have absolutely no ability to even pretend to stay on task – it makes me kinda feel… well… normal!

    2. Troubledog

      MoveOn is a soulless sellout, a reactionary pandering fear and hissy machine indistinguishable from the NRA.

      Constant prods to action (give us money), fear based reminders (the warmongers are at the gates! send money now!), endless Alerts! (scary things! send us money!), and a mindset that they are the last bastion of reason holding off the tide of evil (unless you send us money).

  2. mrblifil

    I will be happy to click on something called "basilmarceauxmusic.com," In return, I have a few locks of Xtine O'Donnell pubic hair I would like to sell you.

    1. PublicLuxury

      That is waht happens when you've been banged in the face with a frying pan once too often. Flat and round jes lik a flapjack.

      1. deelzebub

        I was thinking it was more of a case of generations of incest resulting in some chromosomes so mangled they should be shot and put out their misery.

  3. Serolf_Divad

    I can't see the video at work but knowing Marceau I have a feeling that I can get the gist of his argument by banging my head on my desk five times very hard, spinning around really fast in my chair for 30 seconds and reciting the pledge of allegiance three times backwards while trying to walk in a straight line all while psuhing my index finger to my nose.

  4. SmutBoffin

    WHUT ABOUT THE FRINGED FLAGS BASIL? HAIRY REED WILL PERSONALLY SEW THAT DISRESPECTFUL SHIT ALL OVER OLD GLORY IN THE CAPITOL.

    GOLD FRINGE = ABORTION x 1000000

  5. Badonkadonkette

    I didn't watch this. It probably would have just prompted me to smash my Initech mug and stab myself in the jugular with the ceramic shards. But having said that, and fully admitting I suck at civics as bad as any Patriot, I always thought a republic is a system of government in which citizens vote for people to represent their interests in the government (which is how things work now) while a democracy is a system of government in which the people get a direct vote in how the government runs the country (which is what the teabaggers demand from their rascals whilst parked in front of Congress, when they're not screaming that this isn't a democracy, dammit, it's a republic). Can someone educate me? Should I ask Erick Son of Erick?

    1. JewdishoowarySquare

      This whole "We're not a democracy, we're a republic!" canard has driven me crazy ever since I bothered to look up what the hell a republic actually is.

      A republic is a state where the people rule themselves — it's the opposite of a monarchy. A democracy is a state where the people govern, either directly or indirectly through their representatives. Whatever the idiosyncracies in our system of representation, we're obviously both.

      By way of contrast, see Canada (democratic monarchy) and North Korea (autocratic republic) and Saudi Arabia (autocratic monarchy).

      P.S. Also, humor, ha ha.

  6. CapeClod

    You guys will laugh right up to the moment you're involved with a traffic stop and find yourselves enslaved.

  7. BklynIlluminati

    We are having an election night drinking party right? We need to settle on the drinking words because i can't wait to grope half of you……

    1. elviouslyqueer

      OMG YES. Just the thought of Basil doing the Lambada with Anna Trebunskaya gives me a special tingly sensation in my manly parts. (Of course, it could just be jock itch.)

  8. SexySmurf

    Basil says we don't have any more heroes, but I say we don't need another hero. Everything we need lies beyond the Thunder Dome.

  9. NorthStarSpanx

    Ladies and Gentlemen, the first graduate of the Sarah Palin University – majoring in Punditry.

  10. Beowoof

    I have some predictions for Basil,
    Breakfast – Old Country Buffet
    Lunch – Old Country Buffet
    Dinner – China Buffet – this is so he can celebrate diversity eating Chinese American fair.

    This prediction is good for every day for the rest of Basil's Life. With the provision that Lunch and Dinner are interchangeable.

    1. SexySmurf

      You left out brunch, linner, midnight snacks, and what ever you call the meal between breakfast and brunch.

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