On the eve of the most important midterm election of the year, the combined cultural powers of teevee’s 60 Minutes and the movie-star magazine Vanity Fair have again delivered a poll that tells us not only what Americans think, but what they are.

Do we really want to live in an America where sixty-four percent of people can’t find the International House of Pancakes because “IHOP” is too confusing? What if they accidentally slopped into the H.M.O., wanting pancakes, and instead were sent to the Death Panel by Michelle “Not the Good Candy Witch” Obama?

Other actual questions on this current events poll include “Would you rather work in the pretend office of teevee’s The Office (American version) or that Mad Men show most Americans have never even heard of?” (The most popular answer, at 39%, was “Neither”) and “Would you cut off your arm if, through some freak accident, you got off your ass and took bicycle trips through the wilderness and got your arm stuck under some kind of big weird thing somewhere and somehow there was not cell-phone service, like this would happen to a slob sitting on their couch talking to a pollster commissioned by Vanity Fair and CBS News to ask inane questions about things currently advertised on the Internet?” [Vanity Fair]

(Yes we are aware there are ads for this movie on Wonkette, and we are thankful to have them! That guy did a really good Allen Ginsberg in that Howl movie, which is actually the first movie your editor has seen in a theater in about three years! Had to look at the floor during the animation, though — except for the Moloch City of the Damned part near the end, which was stunning. The stuff actually looks great as still images, which makes sense because that’s what Eric Drooker does for a living, illustrate these sinister cityscapes. Something about the animation, though. Too computer-y? Anyway, remember to vote or whatever! It depends upon it!)

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  • Thank Christ they polled Blackie Lawless.

    • GunTotingProgressive

      Fuck like a beast indeed.

  • metamarcisf

    Or what's the difference between AA and AAA. Which reminds me, is Carly Fiorina out of rehab yet?

    • Beetagger

      What district is Justin Bieber representing?

      • PublicLuxury

        the red light district of preteen girls and wannabe girls

      • SexySmurf

        He's Canadian so he represents a "riding".

        • Negropolis

          Yes, the riding of West Pubetoria-Stratford.

    • PsycWench

      AAA is a smaller battery. AA is the size you buy in those packages of 36 at Home Depot. Duh.

    • Negropolis

      They told Carly to stay at rehab, but she said, no, no, no.

    • BeWoot

      In AA you can always get somebody to give you a ride to a meeting. In AAA you can always get some guy to come over with jumper cables and a tow truck. Just to cover my bases, I joined both.

  • Troubledog

    BFD 100%

  • slappypaddy

    america defined by acronym, 2010–snafu at the fubar.

    • bumfug

      SNAFU and FUBAR are both SOP in the USA.

  • Troubledog

    Also, I welcome our new thinly obscured product placement overlords.

    • chickensmack

      Suddenly, I'm thirsty for a GPS — yet I don't know why.

  • another reason the League of Nations was a terrible idea.

  • Tengu

    If 2% know what WASP stands for and 2% don't, what about the other 96%? Are they still thinking? This poll might not be very scientific.

    • kenlayisalive

      I believe the other 96% responded "Why the fuck are you asking me this?"

      Or perhaps "Can you call me back when I've finished masturbating?"

      • Negropolis

        I think the 96% yelled into the phone: WASP!?! **hysteric screaming in the background**

      • Crank_Tango

        Depending on the caller, I personally may have responded with a query on what said caller was wearing, and what she was doing and if she liked that, aww yeah, uh huh…

  • Lucidamente1

    I await Bobo Brooks's next op-ed piece, explaining that this survey proves once again that red-state America is the real America (more people know what IHOP means than what GPS means, QED, the end).

  • PublicLuxury

    USA! USA! USA!

    • GuyClinch

      Uhh, what's that stand for? All these confusing abbreviations, jeez.

    • DoktorZoom

      What's that stand for, again?

  • Jukesgrrl

    GTFO. We're SOOL.

    95% of Americans know what NJ stands for. And Snooki's real name. Even if they're actively trying not to.

  • PublicLuxury

    IHOP is that the International House of Prayer that Sarah Palin belongs to that had that witch doctor that made a bunch of pancakes for Jeebus? I like that place.

    • Negropolis

      Praise be to Sainte Sarah of Wasilly (May she live for ever)!

  • SnarkoMarx

    As long as America will STFU when I tell it to I don't care what other acronyms it doesn't understand.

  • Worthly Wokette Skum

    So 96% of Americans don't know whether they know what WASP stands for?

    We've moved beyond ignorance into meta-ignorance.

    • Sparky_McGruff

      There are known knowns, and unknown unknowns; but you don't go to IHOP with the stomach you want, you go with the stomach you have. What were we talking about again? And why are we discussing the 80's heavy metal band W.A.S.P.?

  • Mumbletypeg


    Geographic Prowess Substitute?

    • Worthly Wokette Skum

      Geographic Gonad

  • V572625694

    What kind of an American doesn't go see that Smurf shoot-em-up movie "Avatar"? Remember: the protagonist (what was his name again — Andrew Sullivan?) betrays both the N'avy and the Marine Corps, the natives and the invaders, all for ore. Then you get 75 minutes of shooting and kid-Transformer-fantasy crap. Anyone who doesn't go to see this movie is probably living in Yucca City, protestations to the contrary notwithstanding.

    And really, Ken: Allen Ginsburg?…are you serious? Did you know he was buddies with "novelist" William Burroughs and had sex with Neil Cassady, and has some complicity in the creation and recording of "music" by The Fugs? Sorry to have to disillusion you at this late date, but these are not the cultural icons of John Boehner and Mitch McConnell, our new leaders.

    • Beowoof

      Ginsburg's favorite buddy was Michael "Savage" Weiner.

    • DustBowlBlues

      Nothing to do with IHOP or WASP (though I do like pancakes, a lot) but I was trying to figure out your avatar and realized that it's yet another kitty. Wonkeratti love kitties. Did you used to have that sexy Bollywood-looking woman? On the old wonkette? Do we remember when there was another wonkette? Or have we all developed Teatard and Hatriot memories where we only remember what's on Faux Newz at this moment?

      (I know, I know. Too much wonking on my part tonight, but it's the eve of the Apocalypse and I'm nervously depressed).

      • V572625694

        Love the doggies too but that critter came from the pound and taught my ex what fun cats could be. He was a little devil. My old avatar was a clip from the hilarious dinga-dinga-dee ad for Rafael, the Israeli missile manufacturer, as shown here: Thanks for remembering.We'll survive this election. It's not like Nixon-McGovern in '72, when I was already in Vietnam before having had a chance to vote against it. ________________________________________

  • Texan_Bulldog

    All you have to do is watch a couple segments of Leno's Jay Walking to know that America is full of the dumbest fucks alive.

    Jay: "do you know your name?"
    wo/man on the street: "uh…..drool"

    Vanity Fair & 60 Minutes should have saved their $$ & spent it on whores & coke. (At least Andy Rooney might be a little less cranky that way.)

    • BarryOPotter

      At least Andy Rooney might be a little less cranky that way.

      That's just a terrible thing to do to a whore.

    • Now, I'm not saying Americans aren't stupid because, of course, they are, but on Czech TV they do a similar comedy bit called "Nobody's Perfect," and they get similar results.
      I forget the name of the city, but the river it's on was part of the name in the manner of Stratford on Avon or St. Denis sur Seine, and they asked people what river it was on, using the full name in the question, and over 50% of the people they asked responded with either blank looks or wild guesses.

      The amazing thing to me isn't just how stupid people are because, after all, 50% of the world's population is of below average intelligence. The amazing thing to me is how embarrassed they aren't.

  • elfgoldsackring

    "If you get diabetes from too many pancakes and syrup, and you have no insurance, would you chew off your own necrotizing arm once you can no longer change channels with it?"

    There, fixed.

  • Bluestatelibel

    When trying to remember what WASP stands for just think of Dubya–white anglo-saxon prick.

    • DashboardBuddha

      I thought WASP stood for Whitey Always Slammin' Poors.

    • V572625694

      It's kinda like assless chaps. Aren't all Anglo-Saxons who white?

      • snoopyfan2010

        True. It's there for empahsis like black african, brown mexican and yellow asian.

  • the_problem_child

    This simply proves that most Americans don't know what acronyms are, and thus declined to answer the question.

  • iburl

    This is easy…

    I Have Open Pustules
    Cupped Balls Squeezing
    Gregarious Pole Smoking
    Hairy Man Orifice
    Witch Attrracting Sexy Puddingcupbeard

    Doesn't anybody read craigslist anymore?

    • Oblios_Cap

      I thought CBS stood for "Corrupt Bitch Sarah" Palin.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    OMFG, mericans r dum.

  • MistaEko

    94% of pollsters cannot design a survey that adds precisely to 100.

  • CapnFatback

    Ms. Teen South Carolina weighs in: “I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to find IHOP because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don't have placemats and crayons and uh, I believe that our, I, syrup like such as uh, Strawberry, and uh, the Maple, every flavor like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our syrup over here in the US should feed the US, uh, should help Strawberry, it should help the Maple and the syrup-producing berries so we will be able to build up our breakfast, for us.”

  • DoktorZoom

    As Dave Barry said, "If you suveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from the 'Beverly Hillbillies'."

    I think he also said something about how the only thing America leads the world at anymore is in producing studies of just how stupid Americans are.

  • chickensmack

    Our ignorance of IHOP is a good thing.

  • Know what IHOP is? Most Americans can't even spell it.

    • lumpenprole

      How many Americans are trying to either recall or figure out what this "%" is? Lots and lots of all of them, I think.

  • GuyClinch

    Next time, 60 Minutes and Vanity Fair should just conduct their survey *at* an IHOP.

    Slightly off-topic, but another good sign at the rally: "OPEN COLUMBIA HEIGHTS IHOP NOW!"

  • MaxUdargo

    To be fair, asking what the acronym "Wasp" means after you've just asked what "IHOP" and "G.P.S." mean is likely to cause some understandable confusion. 96% of respondents probably immediately noticed it was the only "acronym" that wasn't capitalized and figured it was a trick question.

  • JustPixelz

    I went to International House of Pancakes and — except for French Freedom Toast and Belgian Waffles, it was really just the HOP – House of Pancakes. And not so much a "house" as a restaurant in a mall. So just P – Pancakes. Pretty sure we all know what "P" is. Yep, those little pointy pointy things up there next to our sarcasit nymph names

  • undeterredbyreality

    IHOP=Interminable Horrors of Obtuse Pollsters
    CBS=Crippled By Snore-fest
    GPS=Go Play on the Street
    HMO=Hit My Orifice
    WASP=What American Stupidity Prefers

  • Negropolis

    Idiots Hopped-up On Pot, maybes?

    BTW, watching John King USA on The CNN. The only thing worse than dull as flour John King is having to listen to that Fat Dukes-of-Hazard Bastard Haley Barbour. Gawd, that fat bastard is a breathing, walking stereotype. Nix that, a breathing, slithering/rolling/contrating stereotype.

    • V572625694

      Saw Boss Haley on Tweety earlier. He does bring out the anti-Southtard bigot in me. You have to wonder what kind of jelly is in head that allows him to think he could win an election to even a school board north of Arkansas, let alone the California primary.

      • Negropolis

        BTW, to be clear, I have nothing inherently against 'Sutheners,' in general, but I do have a problem with the Good Ole Boys, and that's what Haley gives off.

        LOL! @ jelly

        Actually, if you pierced him, he would ooze biscuits and gravey. Also.

        • V572625694

          Ham biscuits, most likely!

          • Negropolis

            I hear he sweats grits and bleeds butter (lard, in the South). Also.

    • DustBowlBlues

      I don't even have a picture still functioning on the teevee in the family room and I had to turn him off, just based on that horrid voice. He even sounds fat. Fat old racist lobbyist, slobbering at the mouth. Imagine him on a ticket with Bible Spice.

      • elviouslyqueer

        Actually, a ticket of Bubba Barbour and Bible Spice would be horrifying in its excellence. I mean, the rhetorical Cuisinarting of these two simian wannabes alone would be enough to bring about a fucking TSUNAMI for the Democrats.

        • Negropolis

          Just think of all the down-home idioms Barbour could pack into a paragraph. And Sarah, our dear Sarah, talks like a computer spell checker. You know, the programs that get the technical grammar correct, but who choose inappropropriate/odd vocabulary. I've never had a harder time understanding someone than Sarah, and I've known some folks who fried their brains with drugs.

  • ShaveTheWhales

    How the hell can you ask "Do you know what this means?" and accept an answer other than Yes or No? C'mon pollsters, in this case "Gee, I'm not sure" means "No".

    Admittedly, some of the other answers are a bit harder to interpret:

    "Die, Commie Pinko Scum!" (Just in case Neilist was called).
    "This blog can be shipped to Afghanistan."
    "All of them."
    "Are you talkin' to me?"

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    This is not a valid survey.

    KFC was not an option.

    • DoktorZoom

      KFC is, like so many things, no longer an abbreviation of anything. It's just a three letters, having nothing to do with "Fried," nope, nosir, notatall.

      • Bonzos_Bed_Time

        It also stopped having anything to do with "chicken" long ago as well…

  • I Have Ordered Psilocybin.

    (And Psilocybin is a word, damnitall. Spellcheek can take its Kilocycle and shove it.)

  • Blendergoathead

    Actually, putting KFC in would technically be a trick question, since that's their actual name now – that would cause the 'tards heads to explode.

  • JackObin

    America loves pancakes. I can tell by the size of the asses.

  • di_da_is_alpha

    Do any of my wonkette brothers and sisters know where the term "gone ballistic" comes from (here's a hint; ask Sam), and did you know that it's meant to describe something that is now harmless?

    • sati_demise


      • di_da_is_alpha

        Exciting enough to get your attention. ; )

    • WarAndGee

      Oooo Di Da aren't you the haughty liberuhl giving us the etymology lessons. I remember when that was considered elitist.

      But double standards are the norm in the hypertensive land of Brietbartistan where you are the VICTIM of the stupid dumbfuckery known as the left that somehow mastermind a full scale overthrew of the US government 2 years ago to bring you the socialism of public education, bloated military contracts for corporations, socialist public libraries and collectivist farm subsidies and medical care for old people.

      (and we burned a few of your tri-cornered hats, too)

      But you're going to end that tomorrow when all the wing nutters vote and then pledge to not take out anymore than they put into medicare, and begin paying back their employers socialist half of social security. You'll be free at last.

      By the way the same fuckstick party we're going to put into office tomorrow is the same one that brought most of the debt per GDP in the last 30 years:

      • di_da_is_alpha

        Allow me to tell you that employers don't pay any of your Social Security. This is a myth. ALL of the benefits are part of what the employee earns. You should know this. If an employer has, let's say $ 50,000 to pay for a position, he figures out how much it's going to cost him for SS, holiday pay, vacation pay, workmans comp. ins., and any other benefits he may offer. Let's say that comes to $10,000. Then the base pay for the position will be $ 40,000. Add the $10,000 in benefits and there you have the $50,000 that the employer has to spend for the position.

        • not that Dewey

          Where do you draw the arbitrary line between overhead and wages? Does the employer "not really pay electricity bills"? Is that a myth, too? I'm sure my employer doesn't "pay any of the rent on our building".

          • di_da_is_alpha

            Call it whatever you want. How about "the cost of doing business"? Whatever you call it, you can't double speak your way out of reality.

          • soildude

            So if I use your logic, the government could require me to put 75 percent of my profit into social security and Medicare each month and it would just be the cost of doing business and would have no impact on my company. Does that fall into a myth category or the "i am going out of business category because I am over taxed"?

        • soildude

          I am a business owner and the taxes business owners hate more than anything are the ss and medicare taxes. Yea, we take about 7.5 percent out of the employes check, but we have to match that. I wish it were a myth and didn't have to fork out that money. Right now I could really use some new equipment to make things run more smoothly, but the 10k per month My company contributes to uncle Sam prohibits that!!

          • di_da_is_alpha

            So what you're saying is that if SS were ended, you would pocket the 7.5 % (the matching 7.5%) ? Well that explains why you lefties think ALL business owners are crooks. Projection. A SMART business owner would PAY the employee that 7.5%. If one doesn't, then I'm sure the business down the street would, and you'd lose your BEST employees to them. Gee yur dum.

          • soildude

            I am not a leftie and you obviously have no clue about running a business!!! I pay my people very well and do so to keep them happy. My employees are my greatest assets, they are the ones that keep the clients happy and produce a great product. Expenses are what either make or break a business. The more I pay out the less I have to pay for equipment, marketing, etc. If I break even, then my business cannot grow (because growth costs money). The more the goverment takes from me, whether through SS or through federal taxes I am hit with at the end of the year, the less money I can put back into my company. I cannot buy new equipment, employee raises, etc, if it is GONE due to large sums going to government.

            With todays economy, things are tight for nearly everyone that owns a business. Any additional taxes imposed will cripple business, not help! Pretty basic here. I agree that SS is currently a part of owning a business and is considered overhead, but such overhead makes it even more difficult for business owners to survive!!!

          • di_da_is_alpha

            I don't doubt that you do pay well and appreciate your employees. I'm only pointing out that the government claim that the employee only pays 7.5% and not the whole 15% is just an accounting gimmick.

            Some are under the impression that with deregulation and free(r) markets, we'll end up back in the "Gilded Age". Times have changed and the situations are different, so I (and a lot of others) don't think that would happen. Good, honest business owners like you are one of the reasons things would be different.

          • soildude

            Got ya! I obviously misunderstood your first post.

          • di_da_is_alpha

            Yeah, I probably didn't state it as well as I could have.

        • WarAndGee

          UH OH di da you better talk to "Soildude" a few posts down. He says he wouldn't pay you that much, he'd buy some new equipment instead. So your base pay is lower and THEN from there you can give what you want to Wall Street for the invisible hand to stroke you through retirement. No safety nets. Utopia!

          • di_da_is_alpha

            What big brother government giveth, he can taketh awayeth. I make my own safety net.

          • WarAndGee

            Right on baby. Survival of the fittest, I dig.

    • DustBowlBlues

      We can't talk about CHRISTINE O'DOUL,S EPIC TEEVEE FAIL (all caps, so you'll read it) but the moderator, whoever the fuck that is, let you in?

      Ken-We've got standards around here, ya' know.

      • di_da_is_alpha

        Where's the love, brother?

      • HistoriCat

        Standards? When did that happen? Did I miss a memo?

  • jeje82
  • Pragmatist2

    I know!
    I Know!
    Ibrahim Hussein Obama, President
    Right? Cause he's a Muslin.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Intoxicated, Horny Off-seekers' Pubes

  • fuflans

    mmmmmm delicious pancakes.

  • MadBrahms

    The hell is going on with their poll numbers? Did they just forget to ask 90+ % of people about the last 2 acronyms? I know this is sort of a comedy poll, but those response rates are completely mystifying.

  • Plowmon

    96% of Americans are puddin' head rabble and the Founding Father's knew it, that's why they wrote the Constitution the way they did. But we can't leave well enough alone, noooooo, we have the 17th Amendment, the landless and women voting ,etc. and it all leads to the Tea Party Express, Alvin Greene and robocalls from Charlie Fucking Crist…

  • MissTaken

    I'm embarassed to admit it took me about 15 seconds to remember what GPS stood for.

    But I'm sure those 25% who say they know what CBS stands for think it's really "CSI Miami Broadcasting System"

  • Redhead

    IHOP: I Help Outdated Penguins
    CBS: Centralized Bitch Slap
    GPS: George Promised Sundaes
    HMO: Hari-Krishnas Mortified (by) O'Donnell
    Wasp: bumblebee. Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh

  • Push_Harder

    "Most of the great tragedies in life never really took place."—Will Rogers

    • DustBowlBlues

      Huh? I thought his folksy humor always made sense. Or at least that's when they tell us down here in the Dust Bowl.

  • chascates

    S.O.S. = Democracy in peril

  • Sarah Palin thought IHOP stood for – "In-laws Hopped up on Grade A Wassilla Meth" BASTARDS!

    She's like a kid who sees that a word starts with "b" and guesses it's "bird" without ever reading to the next three letters.

  • DCHatesMe

    How do I take this test? I click on it and nothing happens!

  • DustBowlBlues

    Who cares? I got a robocall from some guy who worked at the CIA in the '90s telling me to vote for the referendum banning Sharia Law from being adopted by our lege. You've probably heard of it–one of the many things this season that has made OK the laughingstock of MSNBC and other places. I don't watch Faux News enough to know if they picked up on it, but I'm rather certain they lauded us for our foresight. And the stupid thing was introduced by my termed out Representative who will probably be our next District Attorney. Yeah, I'm feeling really good about that one.

    • MissTaken

      CIA – Central Intelligence Agency
      OK – Oklahoma
      MSNBC – Must Scrub Nether-regions Before Cumming

  • smokefilledroommate

    What's an acronym? Is that like when I see a 1970's car in a movie that's supposed to be taking place in the '30's? Also, what the fuck does any of this have to do with bees and 'How I Met Your Mother'? Fuck you. I'm not answering shit, fucking lamestream media. I don't have to know what any shitty letters stand for.

  • Global Penile Stimulation right? And I still haven't forgiven iHop for getting rid of the banana syrup, so fuck those assholes.

  • BeWoot

    This poll really stresses my optimism. We are a nation of obese idiots. USA! USA! USA!

  • lulzmonger

    This poll – IT'S A TRAP!

    They intentionally neglected those eloquent & useful acronyms that all Real Americans know & love: GFE, MSOG, CIM, BBBJ, DATY … you know: the classics.

  • AtlanticCapers

    Dear Wonkette Editor,

    Only two of the five "acronyms" on your list of "acronyms" are actually acronyms. The others are just abbreviations or something.


  • DashboardBuddha

    This is probably late to the game, but…

    Inbred Hippos On Parade

  • babyeinstein

    did anyone else see that sad 1% of respondants who thought the Tea Party was named for an event that took place in China? did you see that the only people (person?) who thought that was a republican?

    GO VOTE.

  • IHOP because I am too lazy to jump.

  • Greg_Goldmacher

    This is TMI.

  • WarAndGee

    You were fortunate be an heir to a family that helped you. Some don't much of that (particularly when jobs are sent elsewhere).

    But now we can count on you to pledge to not take out any more than YOU put into social security and medicare during your lifetime (about 3 years). And remember you may return your employer's portion of social security at anytime seeing as though he was enslaved on your behalf.

    Its that simple di da. Do you believe everyone was born with the same access to resources to provide for themselves but it was destroyed by socialism and now we are going to live in squalor like Canadians?

    • di_da_is_alpha

      And those jobs never go overseas due to government regulators, like the EPA, or taxes, right? When we are all paupers, who are the businesses going to sell their products to?

      Henry Ford (I know, I know, but I'm going to use him as a business model, not invite him to a bar mitzvah) payed his employees excellent wages (without union interference) because he wanted happy workers who could afford the product their were building (model Ts).

      Right now, I'd like to have everything (100%, look at my above posts to "soildude", my employer paid NOTHING. The employer matching funds is an accounting gimmick and nothing more) that I've paid in, lump sum. I don't think ANYTHING will be there when I reach 65 (less than 15 years) unless some of the problems start being addressed right NOW. Raising the retirement to 70 would be a good start.

      The life expectancy of a person reaching age 65 has increased by a little more than 5 years since SS was signed into law.

      And I believe that the Constitution guarantees equal opportunity, not equal outcome. I've made plenty of mistakes in my life, but the were MY mistakes, and I don't expect anyone to pay for them but me. I also believe that this country is still head and shoulders above any other when it comes to opportunity. The problem is that we are making folks dependent on government. Where's the motivation to improve one's lot in life when the government gives you a meager existence?

      Wealth is created. People are more likely to create wealth if they are motivated with a carrot. I'd like to go on, but I have responsibilities that I must attend to.

      See ya.

  • She may do it for McCain, but beauty is not skin deep. That grifter is ugly to the bone.

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