just kill yourselves

Inane Washington Post Polls Stewart/Colbert Presidential Election

Yep.Seeing as it was just days away from the midterms, people who do polling seriously and for a living decided it was high time they collect some numbers on the most important election happening this campaign season. And that election, of course, is a U.S. presidential election pitting Comedy Central characters Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert against one another. Major news businesses the Washington Post and ABC News put all their profits together to commission this very significant poll, and surely the respondents were eager to have ten minutes stolen from their lives to consider which of these two individuals they would vote for in this teevee comedian presidential election that will be happening any day. “With one in three still up for grabs (mainly undecided), both Comedy Central funnymen may have a great chance to pick up support at their dueling rallies on the National Mall,” a Post journalist wrote, PROPHETICALLY and IN FULL UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT A COMEDIAN IS.

Despite strong anti-incumbent sentiment across the electorate, Stewart, who became host of “The Daily Show” in 1999, bests Colbert among all age groups, across those with college degrees and without and among both whites and African Americans. Stewart holds double-digit leads in all four main regions, including Colbert’s native South, where the split is Stewart 38, Colbert 23.

Is this supposed to be cute, wasting all of that SAT test-prep money with this junk? “Would you rather have to vote on a presidential ballot made of pee-pee or would you rather have to mark your ballot with your own poo-poo?” The child reporters of the Weekly Reader are looking down at their colleagues, ashamed.

The four in 10 voters who support the tea party divide evenly, 32 percent for Stewart, 29 percent for Colbert. Voters who oppose the tea party break 3 to 1 for Stewart.

Colbert, who left “The Daily Show” in 2005 to host his own, eponymous show, holds a narrow 26 to 21 percent lead among conservative Republicans who voted for McCain in 2008 and who say they’ll vote for a Republican candidate in their district in 2010.

It is one thing to tack a joke question about Stewart and Colbert onto the end of a legitimate poll of voters. It is another thing to call up voters to ask only a joke question. And it is something else entirely to call up voters to ask them a joke question and then many, many more questions about the same pointless scenario.

In other news, tomorrow one group of people or another will take power in the Legislature. But yeah, why don’t we call up people when they’re trying to have dinner and ask them a long series of questions about their voting habits, and whether they would elect a duck or a squirrel president of the United States? That’s a good prank for the Washington Post and ABC News to pull before those midterms the annoying “media watchdogs” will FORCE them to cover. [WP]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Comments

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  • Urban_Achiever

    DUCK FOR PRESIDENT!! Squirrels can't be trusted

    • qwerty42

      But…but… ducks are foul or fowl, whatever. Everyone knows that. I'm not saying I favor a squirrel, though. What about a dog? People trust dogs. I don't think they'd trust a cat. Maybe a lion or tiger.
      This is obviously a fruitful discussion.

      • bagofmice

        I only trust moose and squirrel.

    • DoktorZoom

      This is the sort of virulent pandering to anti-sciuridae prejudices that I've come to expect of the Tea Party, but I never thought I'd see it here in my Wonkette! Have you no shame, sir or madam? Have you, at long last, no sense of decency?

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Many respected Wonkette commenters have been very forthcoming in this forum vis a vis their squirrel antipathy. We needn't rehash their myriad passionate and well-reasoned arguments here.

        I say, stand down, sir. You cannot win this.

        • Numbat_Dundee

          Speaking personally, I would only vote for a marsupial.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Fifteen hours in, November might already be the stupidest month of the year.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      B-but these numbers are good news! For John McCain!!!!

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Those polls do confirm that the wingnuts think Colbert is sincere in his faux-conservative Fox send up and just don't get that it's a parody.
    And they're soon to control the House
    /sigh

  • BaldarTFlagass

    And where did Pat Paulsen end up in this poll? (Sorry, I know half of you are saying "Who the fuck is that?")

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      Sadly I am old enough to remember that perennial presidential candidate.

      Pat was way ahead of his time, I believe. If he were around today, the Tea Party would probably not understand his brand of humor. They would take him seriously and vote for him.

    • jus_wonderin

      I remember him!!!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian."

      "I've upped my standards. Now, up yours."

    • Mindblank

      You are my Hero for the Day.

      • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

        The Pat Paulson for President joke really, really, really should have ended with Pat Paulson. This has become the tiredest meme of the last two centuries.

        • GOPCrusher

          Oh I don't know. Dewey Defeats Truman has worn out it's welcome.

  • Steverino247

    MOOSE AND SQUIRREL 2012!!!

    • metamarcisf

      No. Fearless Leader forever!

    • BeWoot

      Boris and Natasha 2012.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Dudley Do-Right/Snidely Whiplash 2012.

    • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

      Boris Badenoff as Secretary of State

      • V572625694

        Gidney and Cloyd will support him.

    • GOPCrusher

      Underdog/Sweet Polly Purebred 2012!!!!

  • mereoblivion

    I'm going with poo-poo, but yeah, only if it gets to be mine own.

  • JMPEsq

    But how do voters break on the all-important Kang versus Kodos Presidential election?

    • CrunchyKnee

      Abortions for some, tiny American flags for others?

    • lumpenprole

      Jack Johnson will save us from John Jackson's $.03 Titanium tax! All hail the Tastycrats!

  • deanbooth

    Stewart is winning because his show comes on earlier than Colbert. It's the Alvin Greene effect.

  • SexySmurf

    They should have polled a Waterston/A seven-year-old girl match up. Then I would have taken them serious.

  • Come here a minute

    We already had a TV comedian in a presidential election; she went on to quit her job as governor of Alaska.

  • KochFembot

    This unserious political analysis would not be caught dead on CNN's super serious election coverage, BALLOT BOWL.

    I shit you not, that is what it is called–the retarded politics/election coverage being conflated with sports is almost complete. Next year, when they have football helmets with donkeys and elephants crashing together, it will be complete.

    • HurricaneAli

      I think I would actually pay for cable to see a CG of a donkey and elephant crashing helmets together with a rousing theme song featuring screaming electric guitar. Red, white, and blue, baby.

      • Chet Kincaid

        Faith Hill in slinky dress and sexy black boots sangin' a song 'bout the hot teabagger on libtard action to come would make the coverage perfect.

      • Negropolis

        No, no. They are are going to use honest-to-goodness elephants and donkeys. They'll put on the screen that no animals were harmed in the filming, but it will be seen as a lie when the elephant gores and Kentucky-stomps the donkeys.

        Hmmm…donkey-stomp. Sounds sexual.

        • HurricaneAli

          Kentucky Stomp = dance
          Donkey Stomp = position for sexy time

          The dems are going to get danced on and reamed.

      • MissTaken

        Wait, wasn't that what Wyclef and Wolf were doing when they were holograms?

    • CrunchyKnee

      And hopefully that fat racist who cannot hold a candle to his father's (or son's) legacy sings "are you ready for some 'lections…"

    • chicken_thief

      Corrupt bastards.

  • metamarcisf

    I loved the rally Saturday and Stewart & Colbert in general. But their comedic talents don't come close to most of the probables such as Huckabee, Santorum, Barbour, Gingrich…wait, am I leaving anyone out?

  • bitchincamaro2

    "The four in 10 voters who support the tea party…" Get it right, WaPo! It's 10 in 4.

    • Jukesgrrl

      And if you're on FOX, no percentages have to add up to a hundred.

  • jus_wonderin

    Ah, maybe, maybe Sarah is a parody candidate for 2012. She has had practice. (Someone slap me, please.)

  • Not_So_Much

    Jeebus. What's taking so long for print media to be dead?

    • Mindblank

      It's taking a long time to write its own obituary for the column, obvs.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Stewart is OK for president but lacks the gravitas of a Mike "The Situation" or Bear Grilles.

    • TanzbodenKoenig

      This country needs a president who's not afraid to drink his own pee!

  • CapnFatback

    Fuck it, I'm writing in Craig Kilborn.

  • magic_titty

    Just a reminder: Senator Al Franken.

    • Come here a minute

      And that is just his first (non-fiction) election.

  • elviouslyqueer

    +a zillionty p-points for the Porkchops v. Applesauce match-up. Also, let's not forget:

    Hannah Montana vs. Miley Stewart

    Innie vs. Outie

    Dick Sargent vs. Dick York

    Alexis vs. Krystle

    Samantha vs. Serena

    Pinky Tuscadero vs. Leather Tuscadero

  • Groupshrug

    I can't with to see how Colbert handles this news. Guessing that at first he will misinterpret the results and think that he won. Then he'll go about finding which categories he does win like among Conservatives are people from the South… maybe older people, the uneducated…

    It should be hilarious.

  • Lucidamente1

    "Colbert, who left “The Daily Show” in 2005 to host his own, eponymous show": this is a prank, like that old parody NY Times account of King Kong loose in the streets of New York ("Mr. Kong, a fifty-foot simian . . .").

  • metamarcisf

    That's what she said.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Unfunny troll is unfunny.

    • SheriffRoscoe

      Unfunny troll is unfunny and curiously obsessed with the big swinging dick attached to Barack Obama.

      • Patriot2Opine

        For a moment there I thought you meant "the big swinging d%$# that is".

        • elviouslyqueer

          Um, junior? You're among adults here. It's okay to say "dick." Really.

          • Patriot2Opine

            And bring myself to the same gutter as the inane children who reside. Nah, I don't think so. Tell ya what though, I bet you are junior to me.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            He's just channeling his inner Sergeant f%*king Snorkel.

        • SheriffRoscoe

          Yeah you need to go back and read your friend's post. It's quite a reverie, really, the way he dreamily goes on and on about the prez's sex organ. If you read it, you won't be confused at all by what I meant. But, don't misunderstand me. Being gay is okay.

          • Patriot2Opine

            You should realize that I come here for the laughs. Seems the progressives are so self absorbed they can't see a thing. Try getting the left lens goggles off and you might see all the humor. Too F'n funny.

          • Guest Yank

            Evening Patriot. I understand that Kevin has been banned from this hellhole because, well, the Tolerant Left, evidently–isn't.

            And so, since you're here for the laughs, here's one more that Kevin asked me to drop off on his behalf as a, shall we say, parting gift to the Obama groupies. Enjoy.
            http://www.bing.com/videos/watch/video/howdy-obam

    • elviouslyqueer

      Wow, all this talk of buttplay is super hot. Too bad, though, since I wouldn't let you fuck me, even with Breitbart's scrawny, shriveled-up, prawn-sized dick.

    • SmutBoffin

      K-Stow's best pick up lines:

      "How about I give you $20 and you let me sniff yr. bra?"
      "My dick cheese has been aged for 3 years in a basement, like that fancy French stuff!"
      "Have you ever made love on the Gadsden flag?"

    • Lascauxcaveman

      But he does raise the question: Poopyhead vs. Anusbreath.

      • Gleem_McShineys

        Hmmm…. Nature vs. Nurture?

    • HateMachine

      I seriously don't understand how they do that. Whether it's his original work or he copy/pasted from a chain email, somebody obviously spent a lot of time on that list.

      And all of the effort was wasted, because it didn't have any funny in it. Are they missing an organ required for humor?

  • jus_wonderin

    LOL. This is my kinda crowd.

    How bout Marcia vs. Punch in the nose. "edit" football to the nose.

  • JMPEsq

    Wait, you're saying Jack's post is more intelligent than yesterday's David Broder masterpiece arguing that we should revitalize the economy by invading Iran?

    • BeWoot

      A daring assertion, I know. But, yes.

    • hooray4anything

      Is there nothing that can't be solved by invading Iraq?

      • HistoriCat

        Invading Iraq is so 2003. Invading Iran is the 2010 solution to all of our problems. It's like the foreign policy equivalent of tax cuts.

  • slappypaddy

    gather 'round the campfire, children, on this cold day of the dead, and i shall tell you a tale of bygone days. there was a time when not only were journalists viewed by many people as being somewhat scummy and low-life sorts, the journalists themselves had no illusions about who they were and how they made their living. they had no desires or illusions about hobnobbing with the highfalutin folks, sipping champagne and nibbling on delicious canapes. they knew such a diet would be death to them and their profession. they stuck to whiskey and chicago dogs, chain-smoked lucky strikes by the carton, and kicked some serious ass as reporters. they were newsmen, even the few who were women. they smelled bad, had hangovers, and didn't play with their own shit.

    those days, sadly enough, are long behind us now. these days, it's all fine wines, exquisite sweets, opening receptions, and endless hours of stringing their little turds together to make necklaces with which to adorn the thinly gold-plated idols of their shallow, frightened, ignorant minds. weep a passing tear, my sweet children, for what they once were and now are no longer, then set them aside to play their childish games in their ever-deteriorating playpens. their time has passed.

    • lulzmonger

      It's true … if you put FOX NEWS on & turn the sound off, then listen very closely, you can actually hear the ghost of I.F. Stone dry-heaving.

  • Kevin Stowell

    You know, that's exactly what I wasn't thinking.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Shoulda done one of these top-ten pickup line things for the Krauthammer Race War thread back on Friday.

    Here's a start: "Hey baby, why doncha give my colostomy bag a squeeze and see if you can guess what I had for dinner?"

    • natoslug

      You disgust me. Or is it "you complete me?" Either way, don't stop.

    • Kevin Stowell

      I like that second part, BTF. Hospital humor. Can't beat it.

      • Gleem_McShineys

        I got some hospital jokes for ya!

        "What did the diabetes-foot email chain-letter club say to the impacted colon?"

        NOTHING! Because Obama!!
        HAR HAR! –cue laugh track!– –rimshot!– –clown horn honk!– –tuba sound!–

        Feel free to copy and paste this a thousand times on to the internet. Would be funnier in comic sans? Put in a powerpoint? BOTH??

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      "Come on baby, as long as none of the guys from Murderball are here…"

  • Mindblank

    Fine. They can be president of the Comic United States of America.

  • CapeClod

    Skoalrebel vs Neilist

    • Chet Kincaid

      Or Stowell-Rebel vs. Neilist?

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Technically, Porkchops and Applesauce are running mates. So pitting them is sorta like pitting Hotdogs vs. Mustard.

  • V572625694

    I don't see what everybody's so upset about. The writer used the word "eponymous," which demonstrates that this is a serious subject and that the writer maybe took Advanced Composition. Serious, educated writer = great journalism, Q.E.D. They should put that on the masthead, right next to a head shot of Janet Cook.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Liberal Blog Tramples Poster's First Amendment Rights, Won't Let Them Comment On Latest O'Donnell Campaign Snafu!!"

    Probably with good reason.

    • metamarcisf

      Yeah, what's up with that?

  • SudsMcKenzie

    The "Situation Room" has its opening 20 minutes now.

    • DoktorZoom

      Honestly don't know whether The Situation Room would be hurt or improved if it replaced Wolf Blitzer with that guy from "Jersey Shore"…

  • hooray4anything

    It's amazing how such a bunch of supposedly bright and well-educated people don't understand irony when it's sitting right there in front of there faces.

    • HistoriCat

      But but … they're the press! The fourth estate! Most sacred of all democratic institutions. Hey – 40 years ago they broke the Watergate story you know.

  • sati_demise

    Boring. Boring as hell.

    where did you get this, the AOL chat room? Or Townhall?

    • lumpenprole

      Google "Barack Obama's Top Ten Pick-Up Lines" and prepare to be shocked.

  • anniegetyourfun

    Is that… not right, then?

  • jeje82
  • HistoriCat

    They were REM fans back in the day.