JUST KILL YOURSELVES  2:52 pm November 1, 2010

Inane Washington Post Polls Stewart/Colbert Presidential Election

by Jack Stuef

Yep.Seeing as it was just days away from the midterms, people who do polling seriously and for a living decided it was high time they collect some numbers on the most important election happening this campaign season. And that election, of course, is a U.S. presidential election pitting Comedy Central characters Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert against one another. Major news businesses the Washington Post and ABC News put all their profits together to commission this very significant poll, and surely the respondents were eager to have ten minutes stolen from their lives to consider which of these two individuals they would vote for in this teevee comedian presidential election that will be happening any day. “With one in three still up for grabs (mainly undecided), both Comedy Central funnymen may have a great chance to pick up support at their dueling rallies on the National Mall,” a Post journalist wrote, PROPHETICALLY and IN FULL UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT A COMEDIAN IS.

Despite strong anti-incumbent sentiment across the electorate, Stewart, who became host of “The Daily Show” in 1999, bests Colbert among all age groups, across those with college degrees and without and among both whites and African Americans. Stewart holds double-digit leads in all four main regions, including Colbert’s native South, where the split is Stewart 38, Colbert 23.

Is this supposed to be cute, wasting all of that SAT test-prep money with this junk? “Would you rather have to vote on a presidential ballot made of pee-pee or would you rather have to mark your ballot with your own poo-poo?” The child reporters of the Weekly Reader are looking down at their colleagues, ashamed.

The four in 10 voters who support the tea party divide evenly, 32 percent for Stewart, 29 percent for Colbert. Voters who oppose the tea party break 3 to 1 for Stewart.

Colbert, who left “The Daily Show” in 2005 to host his own, eponymous show, holds a narrow 26 to 21 percent lead among conservative Republicans who voted for McCain in 2008 and who say they’ll vote for a Republican candidate in their district in 2010.

It is one thing to tack a joke question about Stewart and Colbert onto the end of a legitimate poll of voters. It is another thing to call up voters to ask only a joke question. And it is something else entirely to call up voters to ask them a joke question and then many, many more questions about the same pointless scenario.

In other news, tomorrow one group of people or another will take power in the Legislature. But yeah, why don’t we call up people when they’re trying to have dinner and ask them a long series of questions about their voting habits, and whether they would elect a duck or a squirrel president of the United States? That’s a good prank for the Washington Post and ABC News to pull before those midterms the annoying “media watchdogs” will FORCE them to cover. [WP]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 96 comments }

Urban_Achiever November 1, 2010 at 2:56 pm

DUCK FOR PRESIDENT!! Squirrels can't be trusted

qwerty42 November 1, 2010 at 3:04 pm

But…but… ducks are foul or fowl, whatever. Everyone knows that. I'm not saying I favor a squirrel, though. What about a dog? People trust dogs. I don't think they'd trust a cat. Maybe a lion or tiger.
This is obviously a fruitful discussion.

bagofmice November 1, 2010 at 3:10 pm

I only trust moose and squirrel.

DoktorZoom November 1, 2010 at 3:12 pm

This is the sort of virulent pandering to anti-sciuridae prejudices that I've come to expect of the Tea Party, but I never thought I'd see it here in my Wonkette! Have you no shame, sir or madam? Have you, at long last, no sense of decency?

Lascauxcaveman November 1, 2010 at 3:32 pm

Many respected Wonkette commenters have been very forthcoming in this forum vis a vis their squirrel antipathy. We needn't rehash their myriad passionate and well-reasoned arguments here.

I say, stand down, sir. You cannot win this.

Numbat_Dundee November 2, 2010 at 2:23 am

Speaking personally, I would only vote for a marsupial.

SayItWithWookies November 1, 2010 at 2:57 pm

Fifteen hours in, November might already be the stupidest month of the year.

Lascauxcaveman November 1, 2010 at 3:43 pm

B-but these numbers are good news! For John McCain!!!!

Bonzos_Bed_Time November 1, 2010 at 2:58 pm

Those polls do confirm that the wingnuts think Colbert is sincere in his faux-conservative Fox send up and just don't get that it's a parody.
And they're soon to control the House
/sigh

BaldarTFlagass November 1, 2010 at 2:59 pm

And where did Pat Paulsen end up in this poll? (Sorry, I know half of you are saying "Who the fuck is that?")

Native_of_SL_UT November 1, 2010 at 3:05 pm

Sadly I am old enough to remember that perennial presidential candidate.

Pat was way ahead of his time, I believe. If he were around today, the Tea Party would probably not understand his brand of humor. They would take him seriously and vote for him.

jus_wonderin November 1, 2010 at 3:06 pm

I remember him!!!

BaldarTFlagass November 1, 2010 at 3:16 pm

"All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian."

"I've upped my standards. Now, up yours."

Mindblank November 1, 2010 at 3:30 pm

You are my Hero for the Day.

gurukalehuru November 1, 2010 at 3:56 pm

The Pat Paulson for President joke really, really, really should have ended with Pat Paulson. This has become the tiredest meme of the last two centuries.

GOPCrusher November 1, 2010 at 4:27 pm

Oh I don't know. Dewey Defeats Truman has worn out it's welcome.

Steverino247 November 1, 2010 at 2:59 pm

MOOSE AND SQUIRREL 2012!!!

metamarcisf November 1, 2010 at 3:07 pm

No. Fearless Leader forever!

BeWoot November 1, 2010 at 3:13 pm

Boris and Natasha 2012.

elviouslyqueer November 1, 2010 at 3:17 pm

Dudley Do-Right/Snidely Whiplash 2012.

donner_froh November 1, 2010 at 3:21 pm

Boris Badenoff as Secretary of State

V572625694 November 1, 2010 at 3:43 pm

Gidney and Cloyd will support him.

GOPCrusher November 1, 2010 at 4:29 pm

Underdog/Sweet Polly Purebred 2012!!!!

mereoblivion November 1, 2010 at 3:00 pm

I'm going with poo-poo, but yeah, only if it gets to be mine own.

JMPEsq November 1, 2010 at 3:00 pm

But how do voters break on the all-important Kang versus Kodos Presidential election?

CrunchyKnee November 1, 2010 at 3:07 pm

Abortions for some, tiny American flags for others?

lumpenprole November 1, 2010 at 3:16 pm

Jack Johnson will save us from John Jackson's $.03 Titanium tax! All hail the Tastycrats!

deanbooth November 1, 2010 at 3:00 pm

Stewart is winning because his show comes on earlier than Colbert. It's the Alvin Greene effect.

SexySmurf November 1, 2010 at 3:02 pm

They should have polled a Waterston/A seven-year-old girl match up. Then I would have taken them serious.

Come here a minute November 1, 2010 at 3:04 pm

We already had a TV comedian in a presidential election; she went on to quit her job as governor of Alaska.

KochFembot November 1, 2010 at 3:04 pm

This unserious political analysis would not be caught dead on CNN's super serious election coverage, BALLOT BOWL.

I shit you not, that is what it is called–the retarded politics/election coverage being conflated with sports is almost complete. Next year, when they have football helmets with donkeys and elephants crashing together, it will be complete.

HurricaneAli November 1, 2010 at 3:08 pm

I think I would actually pay for cable to see a CG of a donkey and elephant crashing helmets together with a rousing theme song featuring screaming electric guitar. Red, white, and blue, baby.

Chet Kincaid November 1, 2010 at 3:37 pm

Faith Hill in slinky dress and sexy black boots sangin' a song 'bout the hot teabagger on libtard action to come would make the coverage perfect.

Negropolis November 2, 2010 at 12:13 am

No, no. They are are going to use honest-to-goodness elephants and donkeys. They'll put on the screen that no animals were harmed in the filming, but it will be seen as a lie when the elephant gores and Kentucky-stomps the donkeys.

Hmmm…donkey-stomp. Sounds sexual.

HurricaneAli November 2, 2010 at 12:20 am

Kentucky Stomp = dance
Donkey Stomp = position for sexy time

The dems are going to get danced on and reamed.

MissTaken November 2, 2010 at 1:19 am

Wait, wasn't that what Wyclef and Wolf were doing when they were holograms?

CrunchyKnee November 1, 2010 at 3:10 pm

And hopefully that fat racist who cannot hold a candle to his father's (or son's) legacy sings "are you ready for some 'lections…"

chicken_thief November 1, 2010 at 3:46 pm

Corrupt bastards.

metamarcisf November 1, 2010 at 3:06 pm

I loved the rally Saturday and Stewart & Colbert in general. But their comedic talents don't come close to most of the probables such as Huckabee, Santorum, Barbour, Gingrich…wait, am I leaving anyone out?

bitchincamaro2 November 1, 2010 at 3:07 pm

"The four in 10 voters who support the tea party…" Get it right, WaPo! It's 10 in 4.

Jukesgrrl November 1, 2010 at 10:10 pm

And if you're on FOX, no percentages have to add up to a hundred.

jus_wonderin November 1, 2010 at 3:08 pm

Ah, maybe, maybe Sarah is a parody candidate for 2012. She has had practice. (Someone slap me, please.)

Not_So_Much November 1, 2010 at 3:08 pm

Jeebus. What's taking so long for print media to be dead?

Mindblank November 1, 2010 at 3:32 pm

It's taking a long time to write its own obituary for the column, obvs.

johnnyzhivago November 1, 2010 at 3:09 pm

Stewart is OK for president but lacks the gravitas of a Mike "The Situation" or Bear Grilles.

TanzbodenKoenig November 1, 2010 at 3:37 pm

This country needs a president who's not afraid to drink his own pee!

CapnFatback November 1, 2010 at 3:10 pm

Fuck it, I'm writing in Craig Kilborn.

magic_titty November 1, 2010 at 3:11 pm

Just a reminder: Senator Al Franken.

Come here a minute November 1, 2010 at 3:15 pm

And that is just his first (non-fiction) election.

elviouslyqueer November 1, 2010 at 3:15 pm

+a zillionty p-points for the Porkchops v. Applesauce match-up. Also, let's not forget:

Hannah Montana vs. Miley Stewart

Innie vs. Outie

Dick Sargent vs. Dick York

Alexis vs. Krystle

Samantha vs. Serena

Pinky Tuscadero vs. Leather Tuscadero

Groupshrug November 1, 2010 at 3:16 pm

I can't with to see how Colbert handles this news. Guessing that at first he will misinterpret the results and think that he won. Then he'll go about finding which categories he does win like among Conservatives are people from the South… maybe older people, the uneducated…

It should be hilarious.

Lucidamente1 November 1, 2010 at 3:16 pm

"Colbert, who left “The Daily Show” in 2005 to host his own, eponymous show": this is a prank, like that old parody NY Times account of King Kong loose in the streets of New York ("Mr. Kong, a fifty-foot simian . . .").

metamarcisf November 1, 2010 at 3:18 pm

That's what she said.

elviouslyqueer November 1, 2010 at 3:20 pm

Unfunny troll is unfunny.

SheriffRoscoe November 1, 2010 at 3:25 pm

Unfunny troll is unfunny and curiously obsessed with the big swinging dick attached to Barack Obama.

Patriot2Opine November 1, 2010 at 3:30 pm

For a moment there I thought you meant "the big swinging d%$# that is".

elviouslyqueer November 1, 2010 at 3:33 pm

Um, junior? You're among adults here. It's okay to say "dick." Really.

Patriot2Opine November 1, 2010 at 3:35 pm

And bring myself to the same gutter as the inane children who reside. Nah, I don't think so. Tell ya what though, I bet you are junior to me.

BaldarTFlagass November 1, 2010 at 3:39 pm

He's just channeling his inner Sergeant f%*king Snorkel.

SheriffRoscoe November 1, 2010 at 3:37 pm

Yeah you need to go back and read your friend's post. It's quite a reverie, really, the way he dreamily goes on and on about the prez's sex organ. If you read it, you won't be confused at all by what I meant. But, don't misunderstand me. Being gay is okay.

Patriot2Opine November 1, 2010 at 3:43 pm

You should realize that I come here for the laughs. Seems the progressives are so self absorbed they can't see a thing. Try getting the left lens goggles off and you might see all the humor. Too F'n funny.

elviouslyqueer November 1, 2010 at 3:30 pm

Wow, all this talk of buttplay is super hot. Too bad, though, since I wouldn't let you fuck me, even with Breitbart's scrawny, shriveled-up, prawn-sized dick.

SmutBoffin November 1, 2010 at 3:31 pm

K-Stow's best pick up lines:

"How about I give you $20 and you let me sniff yr. bra?"
"My dick cheese has been aged for 3 years in a basement, like that fancy French stuff!"
"Have you ever made love on the Gadsden flag?"

Lascauxcaveman November 1, 2010 at 3:41 pm

But he does raise the question: Poopyhead vs. Anusbreath.

Gleem_McShineys November 1, 2010 at 8:25 pm

Hmmm…. Nature vs. Nurture?

HateMachine November 1, 2010 at 4:02 pm

I seriously don't understand how they do that. Whether it's his original work or he copy/pasted from a chain email, somebody obviously spent a lot of time on that list.

And all of the effort was wasted, because it didn't have any funny in it. Are they missing an organ required for humor?

jus_wonderin November 1, 2010 at 3:21 pm

LOL. This is my kinda crowd.

How bout Marcia vs. Punch in the nose. "edit" football to the nose.

JMPEsq November 1, 2010 at 3:25 pm

Wait, you're saying Jack's post is more intelligent than yesterday's David Broder masterpiece arguing that we should revitalize the economy by invading Iran?

BeWoot November 1, 2010 at 3:57 pm

A daring assertion, I know. But, yes.

hooray4anything November 1, 2010 at 4:15 pm

Is there nothing that can't be solved by invading Iraq?

HistoriCat November 2, 2010 at 9:42 am

Invading Iraq is so 2003. Invading Iran is the 2010 solution to all of our problems. It's like the foreign policy equivalent of tax cuts.

slappypaddy November 1, 2010 at 3:26 pm

gather 'round the campfire, children, on this cold day of the dead, and i shall tell you a tale of bygone days. there was a time when not only were journalists viewed by many people as being somewhat scummy and low-life sorts, the journalists themselves had no illusions about who they were and how they made their living. they had no desires or illusions about hobnobbing with the highfalutin folks, sipping champagne and nibbling on delicious canapes. they knew such a diet would be death to them and their profession. they stuck to whiskey and chicago dogs, chain-smoked lucky strikes by the carton, and kicked some serious ass as reporters. they were newsmen, even the few who were women. they smelled bad, had hangovers, and didn't play with their own shit.

those days, sadly enough, are long behind us now. these days, it's all fine wines, exquisite sweets, opening receptions, and endless hours of stringing their little turds together to make necklaces with which to adorn the thinly gold-plated idols of their shallow, frightened, ignorant minds. weep a passing tear, my sweet children, for what they once were and now are no longer, then set them aside to play their childish games in their ever-deteriorating playpens. their time has passed.

lulzmonger November 2, 2010 at 1:50 am

It's true … if you put FOX NEWS on & turn the sound off, then listen very closely, you can actually hear the ghost of I.F. Stone dry-heaving.

Kevin Stowell November 1, 2010 at 3:27 pm

You know, that's exactly what I wasn't thinking.

BaldarTFlagass November 1, 2010 at 3:31 pm

Shoulda done one of these top-ten pickup line things for the Krauthammer Race War thread back on Friday.

Here's a start: "Hey baby, why doncha give my colostomy bag a squeeze and see if you can guess what I had for dinner?"

natoslug November 1, 2010 at 3:34 pm

You disgust me. Or is it "you complete me?" Either way, don't stop.

Kevin Stowell November 1, 2010 at 3:36 pm

I like that second part, BTF. Hospital humor. Can't beat it.

Gleem_McShineys November 1, 2010 at 8:56 pm

I got some hospital jokes for ya!

"What did the diabetes-foot email chain-letter club say to the impacted colon?"

NOTHING! Because Obama!!
HAR HAR! –cue laugh track!– –rimshot!– –clown horn honk!– –tuba sound!–

Feel free to copy and paste this a thousand times on to the internet. Would be funnier in comic sans? Put in a powerpoint? BOTH??

imissopus November 1, 2010 at 4:07 pm

"Come on baby, as long as none of the guys from Murderball are here…"

Mindblank November 1, 2010 at 3:34 pm

Fine. They can be president of the Comic United States of America.

CapeClod November 1, 2010 at 3:36 pm

Skoalrebel vs Neilist

Chet Kincaid November 1, 2010 at 3:39 pm

Or Stowell-Rebel vs. Neilist?

Lascauxcaveman November 1, 2010 at 3:39 pm

Technically, Porkchops and Applesauce are running mates. So pitting them is sorta like pitting Hotdogs vs. Mustard.

V572625694 November 1, 2010 at 3:46 pm

I don't see what everybody's so upset about. The writer used the word "eponymous," which demonstrates that this is a serious subject and that the writer maybe took Advanced Composition. Serious, educated writer = great journalism, Q.E.D. They should put that on the masthead, right next to a head shot of Janet Cook.

BaldarTFlagass November 1, 2010 at 3:53 pm

"Liberal Blog Tramples Poster's First Amendment Rights, Won't Let Them Comment On Latest O'Donnell Campaign Snafu!!"

Probably with good reason.

metamarcisf November 1, 2010 at 5:04 pm

Yeah, what's up with that?

SudsMcKenzie November 1, 2010 at 3:58 pm

The "Situation Room" has its opening 20 minutes now.

DoktorZoom November 1, 2010 at 7:30 pm

Honestly don't know whether The Situation Room would be hurt or improved if it replaced Wolf Blitzer with that guy from "Jersey Shore"…

hooray4anything November 1, 2010 at 4:08 pm

It's amazing how such a bunch of supposedly bright and well-educated people don't understand irony when it's sitting right there in front of there faces.

HistoriCat November 2, 2010 at 9:26 am

But but … they're the press! The fourth estate! Most sacred of all democratic institutions. Hey – 40 years ago they broke the Watergate story you know.

sati_demise November 1, 2010 at 4:40 pm

Boring. Boring as hell.

where did you get this, the AOL chat room? Or Townhall?

lumpenprole November 1, 2010 at 5:30 pm

Google "Barack Obama's Top Ten Pick-Up Lines" and prepare to be shocked.

anniegetyourfun November 1, 2010 at 5:56 pm

Is that… not right, then?

jeje82 November 1, 2010 at 8:41 pm
HistoriCat November 2, 2010 at 9:26 am

They were REM fans back in the day.

Guest Yank November 1, 2010 at 9:43 pm

Evening Patriot. I understand that Kevin has been banned from this hellhole because, well, the Tolerant Left, evidently–isn't.

And so, since you're here for the laughs, here's one more that Kevin asked me to drop off on his behalf as a, shall we say, parting gift to the Obama groupies. Enjoy.
http://www.bing.com/videos/watch/video/howdy-obam

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