Today, most of America’s children are happily sedated from an all-night candy binge conditioning exercise. They are taking their giant pillowcases of winnings to school and bragging about who scored more free Snickers bars, because that is the meaning of Freedom. But this is not the case for the children who were subjected to a fruity Halloween at the world’s most terrifying haunted house — a big, white mansion inhabited by a socialist Kenyan, his power-hungry wife, and their vicious zombie watchdog, Bo Obama. The Halloween catastrophe gave Michelle a brilliant idea, and now our FLOTUS is spending the next 24 hours weeding out the nation’s fatties, so they can’t make it to the polls.
Our FLOTUS got the idea to kill potential voters last night, at her Halloween party.
At one point, FLOTUS (First Lady of the United States) yelled “run” to the last few kids walking up the driveway. She looked at the cameras and joked that this was good exercise to work off the Halloween treats, holding up the bag in her hand.
POTUS (President of the United States) laughed and called it the “Let’s Move method,” in reference to the First Lady’s signature initiative against childhood obesity.
Later on, our FLOTUS played a Halloween trick on the troops, further subjecting them to physical activity and ridicule. About 7:05 p.m. the president and first lady invited all the families and their children to walk up the steps and into the White House.
Several times they had to help some very small kids who were having trouble walking up the stairs.
Most of these children probably went into diabetic shock halfway up the driveway, and with that, our first lady’s plan was born. “Perhaps,” she thought, “if I murder the fat people, with exercise, they will not vote, and this country will be mine!” Michelle will be implementing her plan in Las Vegas today, and then Philadelphia, 2009’s “20th Fattest City.”
The only way for Americans to protect their families against violent FLOTUS voter fraud is to stay inside with last night’s candy haul, until the election is over. If history has taught us anything, it is that Michelle will probably be at the polls tomorrow anyway, with her whistle and Gatorade, doing lunges. [USA Today]
Blair Burke (firstname.lastname@example.org) obsessively follows Michelle Obama’s every move for “The FLOTUS Files,” which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.