flotus files

FLOTUS Devises Evil Plan to Save Election, Through Exercise

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That's MRS. Flotus to you ...Today, most of America’s children are happily sedated from an all-night candy binge conditioning exercise. They are taking their giant pillowcases of winnings to school and bragging about who scored more free Snickers bars, because that is the meaning of Freedom. But this is not the case for the children who were subjected to a fruity Halloween at the world’s most terrifying haunted house — a big, white mansion inhabited by a socialist Kenyan, his power-hungry wife, and their vicious zombie watchdog, Bo Obama. The Halloween catastrophe gave Michelle a brilliant idea, and now our FLOTUS is spending the next 24 hours weeding out the nation’s fatties, so they can’t make it to the polls.

Our FLOTUS got the idea to kill potential voters last night, at her Halloween party.

At one point, FLOTUS (First Lady of the United States) yelled “run” to the last few kids walking up the driveway. She looked at the cameras and joked that this was good exercise to work off the Halloween treats, holding up the bag in her hand.

POTUS (President of the United States) laughed and called it the “Let’s Move method,” in reference to the First Lady’s signature initiative against childhood obesity.

Later on, our FLOTUS played a Halloween trick on the troops, further subjecting them to physical activity and ridicule. About 7:05 p.m. the president and first lady invited all the families and their children to walk up the steps and into the White House.

Several times they had to help some very small kids who were having trouble walking up the stairs.

Most of these children probably went into diabetic shock halfway up the driveway, and with that, our first lady’s plan was born. “Perhaps,” she thought, “if I murder the fat people, with exercise, they will not vote, and this country will be mine!” Michelle will be implementing her plan in Las Vegas today, and then Philadelphia, 2009’s “20th Fattest City.”

The only way for Americans to protect their families against violent FLOTUS voter fraud is to stay inside with last night’s candy haul, until the election is over. If history has taught us anything, it is that Michelle will probably be at the polls tomorrow anyway, with her whistle and Gatorade, doing lunges. [USA Today]

Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) obsessively follows Michelle Obama’s every move for “The FLOTUS Files,” which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.

About the author

Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

View all articles by Blair Burke


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  • BaldarTFlagass

    Bless her heart, but I don't think she would be a very fun mom to have.

    • HistoriCat

      Why do you think Sasha and Malia want to move to Italy?

  • Lucidamente1

    Clearly she's violated anti-electioneering laws–I want my Drudge flashing headline!

  • MildMidwesterner

    This will surely increase unemployment, as thousands of Applebees, Chilis, and TGI Fridays will be forced to close.

    • CrankyLttlCamperette

      Or maybe they'll just change the menu and stop serving Chicken Fried Salad.

    • kenlayisalive

      I think her plan will be to build all chain restaurants at the top of a very long flight of stairs. Imagine, if you will, our beloved American cities full of Mayan Pyramids capped with Outback Steakhouses.

      • SheriffRoscoe

        No that wouldn't do any good. They've got those chairs that attach to staircases and ride people up and down. For commercial purposes, someone would tweak the same idea and you'd have a sort of 'ski lift' carrying the obese people up to their blooming onions and chocolate lava cakes.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    You fools, don't you REALIZE that the real First Lady of America is Sarah Palin???

  • Radiotherapy

    Then, by controlling the Chicago Board of Exchange, they will comandeer the production, distribution and sales of motorized scooters. Just like Alinsky predicted.

  • magic_titty

    FLOTUS was later seen maniacally shoving prams off the top flight of the White House steps, invoking frightening reminiscences of the famous 'baby carriage' scenes in Battleship Potemkin and The Untouchables; the latter film not-so-coincidentally set in Chicago.

  • Beowoof

    Elitist probably wants people to walk to the polls rather than having to ride their constitutionally protected rascal.

  • PsycWench

    The only way for Americans to protect their families against violent FLOTUS voter fraud is to stay inside with last night’s candy haul, until the election is over

    I got the impression that for most families, this does not constitute a game change.

  • V572625694

    You wonder how long a woman as smart, attractive and ambitious as Michelle is going to be able to put up with this bake-cookies/white-glove existence. Hilz never faltered in that role.

    Maybe she'll cut loose after the kill-whitey tape surfaces.

    • HOFAH

      You just know she's already told Barry that he is going to owe her bigtime for this shit.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Several times they had to help some very small kids who were having trouble walking up the stairs.

    The only place they were helping these obviously fat and tasty tidbits to was into the White House kitchen, where they were promptly baked into tasty kiddie cakes.

  • themcwow

    Are there fat people in Vegas too? Maybe Henderson and Laughlin.

  • slappypaddy

    plus, bulemics have remarkably clean esophagi, being repeatedly acid-washed as they are.

  • JMPEsq

    While a thin, physically fit, attractive populace would be nice, I'm afraid Michelle may be fighting a loosing battle and it may be simpler to just change our beauty standards than to get Americans in shape.

    • deelzebub

      Most Americans have lost the ability to give half a shit about their physical appearance. At 11:00 a.m. today I saw four grown women grocery shopping in pajamas.

      • JMPEsq

        I wish that would surprise me, but after the number of people I've seen headed to work in an office wearing sweat pants it doesn't.

  • PublicLuxury

    In this, like everything else I do, I ask myself: "What would Sarah Palin do?" She is so much more classy than our FLOTUS. She has a harlot for a daughter a handicapped buhbay a high school drop out ex-military son and husband that likes his now machine better than her. What did FLOTUS produce? Two lovely intelligent children. Oh PuHlease.

    Sarah Palin would would have dressed in camouflage and hunted all the little 'corrupt bastards' roaming aimlessly on her property. Why can't our FLOTUS get it?

  • Thedongsofwar

    Michelle Obama is secretly Sue Sylvester! I KNEW IT

  • JackObin

    When I went for my jog this morning, I observed a family of blimps inhaling hot dogs. This was at nine O' fuckingclock.

  • jeje82
  • jeje82
  • rogueoperator