Even Pedobear knows dried fruit is bad child-baitHappy Halloween! Did you take advantage of the one day on which you can worship Satan and pass out razor blade candy, without feeling the least bit guilty? Well that’s very comforting, because possibly thousands of small children attended a White House Halloween veggie potluck, and it was probably the worst night of their young lives. There is overwhelming evidence that this so-called White House Halloween Rave was actually just Michelle Obama handing out bags of dried fruit. Dried fruit? (“Muslim Skittles”?) We hope more than anything that those kids chose “trick” and then egged the shit out of the White House. Or maybe they ate all the dried prunes and then took massive poops on the White House lawn, out of spite. That would also be appropriate.

The White House, working in conjunction with the National Park Foundation, arranged for a variety of actives including a dress-up booth and face painting. Howls and spooky sound effects played throughout the evening as children and parents walked along the pumpkin-lined driveway while pirate-costumed Potholes Brass Band played festive music. A swarm of fabricated bats dangled from the light above the North Portico entryway as Frankenstein, Dracula and Wolfman took turns posing for pictures.

These poor children, traumatized by swarms of “fabricated bats” and forced to pose with blood-sucking monsters and half-breed furries. Barry didn’t even dress up, and Michelle wore a festive “sweater.” (Maybe she was going as “Noam Chomsky”?) Weak sauce, Obamas. Weak sauce. [Fox]

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  • DaSandman

    No! "Dried fruit" are people!!!

    • Unfairman

      Delicious, delicious people!

  • HempDogbane

    Halloween '13 – Turkey Guts !

  • iburl

    Passed Out Dried fruit? Somebody dressed as Larry Craig on a poppers bender?

    • chicken_thief

      That threw me off, too, at first – I was wondering why a Catholic priest was invited…

  • MildMidwesterner

    "children and parents walked along the pumpkin-lined driveway "

    Fact check: Those were not pumpkins. Rather, they were miniature statues of John Boehner.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Fact check check: Lifesize renditions of John Boehner's big orange severed head. (A voudou gesture perhaps to help out tomorrow's mid-term results?)

  • Great, what the hell is she serving for Thanksgiving? A free range Turkey that died of old age, boiled in arugula, stuffed with tofu?

    • horsedreamer_1

      Wither Tofurkey?

  • SnarkoMarx

    The Bush administration used to hand out deep fried manatee and bald eagle Buffalo wings.

    • HistoriCat

      Mock if you will but those bald eagle wings were good eatin'!

    • SayItWithWookies

      With a side of Texas Democrat to complete the endangered species platter.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    It would have been a real treat if Barry had dressed up as Stalin, but with a Hitler mustache. Or Hitler, with the Stalin 'stache.

    • V572625694

      Or the Antichrist dressed up as Osama Bin Laden or…nah, that one just won't work.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        My 10-year-old was a grim reaper in a tie-dye cloak (we made it ourselves!) Only one of the ~100 houses we visited last night correctly guessed "hippie reaper."

        • BaldarTFlagass

          100 houses?!? What did you dress as, a Bataan Death Marcher?

        • V572625694

          This aging hippie awards you a thumb up, a higher pscore, and five whore diamonds for raising your children correctly.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            Last year, we made her a Statue of Liberty costume, only all white instead of copper-oxide green. Paint on the whiteface and ghoulish circles around the eyes and you've got the "Ghost of Liberty."

            Probably would have been more appropriate this year, being election season and all, but she doesn't do re-runs in the costume department.

        • bitchincamaro2

          We had maybe a hundred or so kiddies begging for sugary bits last night at our house in Queens; I called my mom who had precisely one little trick-or-treater, accompanied (on the sidewalk) by a wary mother; closely following was dad' behind the wheel of the family Suburban (full black-out version). Mom still lives on Detroit's west side. We LOL'd 'til we cried, and whimpered.

        • SayItWithWookies

          Not the Grim Reefer?

    • horsedreamer_1

      … with a Stalin stache.

      It's about damn time a U.S. American President had a cookie-duster, again.

      Teddy Roosevelt was the last. In fact, the last with a stache.

      • JMPEsq

        Someone's forgetting William Howard Taft.

        • horsedreamer_1

          In my recollection, the fat outweighs the scruff.

          Truly, W.H.T. was a man ahead of his time. A President of his proportions, today, would be most fitting.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        I'd vote for any presidential candidate sporting a full-blown Billy Gibbons/Dusty Hill. Even a female candidate.

  • JMPEsq

    I hope the Obamas were careful, because that guy dressed as a crazed, ranting version of Sam Adams wasn't actually in costume for Halloween, and could be very dangerous.

  • 4TheTurnstiles

    Not to long ago kids threw dogshit at the house that gave away Bible verses and granola on Halloween. Today I suspect the old gang would make an exception and just burn a cross on the white house lawn for old lang syne, and for Liberty. How'd these people get so *uppity*?

    • JMPEsq

      Your average Bible verse, particularly from the Old Testament, is pretty fucking scary, describing a view of the world run by a narcissistic murderous monster; so at least they're in keeping with the them of the holiday.

      • 4TheTurnstiles

        But America wants an America where God is free from regulation and government interference to behave like a narcisisstic murderous monster, like the Founding Fathers wanted it. None of this Sharia Granola Law on American Dollarz!

      • Chet Kincaid

        But if you hit on one of those sexytime, hump-your-daughters-by-mistake bits, or kill-your-soldier-so-you-can-fuck-his-wife nuggets ("…and from the roof he saw a woman washing herself and sayeth, "I'd Hittite'!"), it could be entertaining for the kiddies. I hear the Onion's Smoove B is working on a new translation of "Song Of Solomon."

  • Terry

    Dried fruit! What a gyp! That's almost as bad as when you would get candy that someone bought at the Dollar Store with the brand names sort of misspelled and all. Mom wouldn't let us eat that stuff.

  • Oblios_Cap

    They should have invited Dick Cheney. Barry could have dressed up as Van Helsing and driven a stake though the Dickster's unbeating vampire heart.

    The kids that Dick didn't eat first would have loved it.

    • OneDollarJuana

      It's my understanding that these days Dick is always dressed as an Oreck vacuum cleaner. You know, with a hose connected and all.

    • PsycWench

      Do not say the Dark Lord's name!!!!!!

  • fatoots

    And how much of my tax payer dollars went to this elitist hippie fest?!!1!!

  • rocktonsam

    Ha Ha , Poppy and Jr. ruined everybody's halloween in Texas last night.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Wait, this was on the Fox News website? And they didn't trot out their usual "Oh lookie, Obama is once again showing his aloof elitism by throwing a party while the nation is going down the toilet" meme? Fail, Fox News, FAIL!

  • All the best sleeper cells are powered by dried fruit.

  • Lucidamente1

    First she made them eat Campbell's soup and halal veggies.

  • widestanceroman

    President Palin would have just given out rifles for the helicopter rides over the National Zoo, so they could snag their own treats like our founding children did. Gift bags to include a jar of mayo, 2 slices of Wonder Bread and a buck knife.

    (That said, I'd have been mighty annoyed to get sun-dried arugula crisps, too.)

    • Lucidamente1

      Don't forget the field dressed moose jerky.

      • widestanceroman

        Moose jerky in field dresses? Whaddya want, a whole nationful of fags? Freedom-loving tykes need meat, and they need it raw. Processing removes vital liberties from the flesh and renders kids incapable of bullying (it's never too early to teach nutrition/societal cleansing).

  • Wadisay

    Meanwhile, back at the oasis, the Arabs were eating their dates.

    • Oblios_Cap

      I see what you did there!

  • Sue4466

    At least now we know. He's not a Muslin or a radical Christian. Obama's a Satanist!

    • HistoriCat

      As if there's a difference.

  • slappypaddy

    i handed out dollar bills this year and many of the precious little tykes was quite pleased, except for two dressed as pirates and three dressed as investment bankers, who all wanted gold.

    • V572625694

      You should have given the baby-bankers CDOs and coupons for a bailout.

  • Mindblank

    Real bats or GTFO.

  • VinnyThePooh

    What about the Metamucil smoothies? Ya gotta keep the kiddies regular, y'know.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Dried fruit's still not as bad as the dentist who gave out toothbrushes monogrammed for his practice.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      You'd think a dentist would give out sugar cubes and methamphetamine. For the business, you know.

      • horsedreamer_1

        This was 1988. I don't think Meth had made its way to Wauwatosa, yet. (We were still all about cocaine.)

        Also: that was the year I went as the Ayatollah Khomeini. I totally should have issued a Fatwa.



  • Radiotherapy

    What? No razor blades in Xtine OD's candy? Who knew?

  • Gnatsum

    Muslim skittles! Good one! But on a serious note, if it was those chocolate covered berries they sell at Costco, you owe an apology to Michelle. Those are incredible.

  • Serolf_Divad

    My 3 year old daughter wanted to go as Spiderman this Halloween. So not only did we celebrate Satan, we also celebrated cross-dressing.

    And I might add: when a lady at the door asked my daughter if she was Spiderwoman, my daughter emphatically corrected her: SpiderMAN! She insisted.

    • Hottest mom I saw last night was a SpiderWoman. She was herding around three SpiderMans and a princess.

    • Jukesgrrl

      I had a Satan/Spiderman at my house. A tiny thing dressed in a Spiderman costume came charging at my door screaming what sounded to me like, "Let me in!" When I said, "Uhh … you can have candy without coming in," his mother replied, "He's saying, "My name Damien." When I complimented his costume and gave him Reese's Cup, he yelled, "I love you!" and blew me kisses. I think it's only a matter of time until he runs for office.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I like dried fruit however I would still egg the White house for not handing out processed sugar infused artificially colored teeth rotting treats. It’s the Trick or Treat code.

  • VinnyThePooh

    Must have been a sight to see all those little princesses that looked like they sat on a melted King-Sized Snickers bar.

  • CapeClod

    This was a missed opportunity to hand out little red books, which reminds me, how come no one ever compares Obama to Mao?

    • chicken_thief

      Either they don't know who the hell Mao is, they don't know how to spell it, or they think you are saying "mayo". Or all the above. Also.

  • DemonicRage

    Last chance to party like it's 1999, as vulture Orangeman Boner sits on the edge to the tree, ready to swoop down Nov. 3rd and cackle his hideous war scream. Last chance to party, so the FLOTUS breaks out the prunes. Nice touch, there. The message says: eat these prunes….be sure that s**t is coming.

    • horsedreamer_1

      The FEMA re-education &/or death camps are certainly of a piece with the Cultural Revolution.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    … in (UN)ICEF world takeover boxes no doubt.

    Dried Prunes are the New World Penny's

  • fuflans

    I want my country back.

  • kenlayisalive

    No public option and dried fruit for halloween?

    Uh yeah…how were they planning on winning this election again?

  • elviouslyqueer

    No no, it's corn SUGAR. Nevar forgit!

  • An_Outhouse

    How do you get razor blades in dried fruit?

  • chicken_thief

    And "Barry didn't even dress up"?!!! WTF, you goobers – he's been posing as a "merikun for almost two years now!!!

    • horsedreamer_1

      True. In Kenya, they don't celebrate Halloween — unless there's an ex-pat bar in Mombasa I don't know about — so to expect Barry Hussein to understand the proper mode for the occasion is a bit much.

    • Jukesgrrl

      He was dressed as a member of a Death Panel.

  • Extemporanus

    Keep fuckin' that haram-full fabricated razor blade terrorist dried fruit bat, halal weenies!

  • Jukesgrrl

    And yet when the president tries to HELP the people who don't have jobs, these very same people will ask, "How dare he when businesses need a bailout?" And when he gives the businesses a bailout …


  • JackObin

    Pickles Bush handed out pork rhinds and cigarettes. I really miss that gal.

  • jeje82
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