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{ 33 comments }

natoslug October 29, 2010 at 3:55 pm

Okay, I have a new philosophy: If it's not within walking distance, it's not worth getting to. Hello toilet, fridge and bed. Goodbye world. Nobody's scanning my corpulence.

V572625694 October 29, 2010 at 3:55 pm

You gotta like the way they're up front about saying the punishment for not having your naked, flabby form scoped by highly-trained minimum wage employees of the Toiletries Scrutinization Administration is a full-on grope from a stranger. This is freedom of choice. Like when the flight attendant says "We only have one choice for dinner tonight…"

And never mention Jeffrey Goldberg's cock again, please. We remember his mother. No child of hers could be "male" in any meaningful sense of the word.

ttommyunger October 29, 2010 at 7:07 pm

Jonah, maybe? His mother is world-class cunt Lucianne Goldberg.

V572625694 October 29, 2010 at 7:14 pm

“Goldberg is the mother of political commentator Jonah Goldberg and Joshua Goldberg.” Thus spake the infallible Wikipedia.

ttommyunger October 29, 2010 at 7:28 pm

Uggh. Imagine someone actually probably stuck a dick in that breathing cesspool…TWICE.

BaldarTFlagass November 1, 2010 at 10:07 am

Didn't he turn into a fly and nail Geena Davis? (not necessarily in that order)

ttommyunger November 1, 2010 at 10:13 am

Jeff Goldblum (sp?). Jonah is still, I'm fairly certain, a virgin.

Lost_Teabaggers November 1, 2010 at 5:10 pm

That and Jonah hasn't aquired enough flour yet to locate K-Lo's wet spot. It's going to be made into a reality show on Fox called "the Search for K-Lo's womanhood"

SexySmurf October 29, 2010 at 4:04 pm

Why do I imagine Jeffrey Goldberg giggling, like a little boy who just learned a new curse word, while he typed the words "balls" and "vagina"?

JMPEsq October 29, 2010 at 4:07 pm

Ha-ha, he said 90% of people in Washington had no balls; see, that means he's calling politicians women, which is bad, and totally hilarious and not misogynistic at all.

SayItWithWookies October 29, 2010 at 4:13 pm

So The Resistance is futile?

sarjo October 29, 2010 at 4:14 pm

Jack, Jack, Jack. "Involuntary rape?" As opposed to…?

harry_palmer October 29, 2010 at 4:16 pm

“Tell him what you call the back-scatter,” he said. “The Dick-Measuring Device,” I said. “That’s the truth,” the other officer responded.

And then they let him board the plane, because nothing showed up? Or did it reveal that he's one big dick?

sarjo October 29, 2010 at 4:27 pm

Just out of curiosity…If I was, say, a politician or something and I was wearing an item sort of like a diaper and I had an oopsie…Could TSA see it in the machine?

Because if I were and was and did, I would REALLY LIKE that!

chascates October 29, 2010 at 4:32 pm

Now Jonah Goldberg would have handled that a lot differently.

sarjo October 29, 2010 at 4:33 pm

Yadda yadda–what would RUBE do?

OCKerouac October 29, 2010 at 5:01 pm

Why then it would be a FAR more elaborate dick measuring machine.

Not_So_Much October 29, 2010 at 4:46 pm

Jonah would have his own fist up his ass, flipping them the bird. For freedom.

JMPEsq October 29, 2010 at 4:50 pm

Jonah doesn't have to worry about the "dick-measuring" scanner machine because his rolls of flab keep his genitals hidden.

ttommyunger October 29, 2010 at 7:08 pm

Including his undersized Clit.

Whatever October 29, 2010 at 4:59 pm

Fuck'em!

They can look at my teeny weenie if they want but at least i CAN afford to travel.

Gratuitous World October 29, 2010 at 5:01 pm

When getting the pat down, i prefer to distract myself with a Famous Jewish Sports Legends leaflet.

assistantatlas October 29, 2010 at 5:38 pm

People, people, people, there is one very simple way to assure yourself the most cursory of pat-downs: moan. Not too loud, not too obviously, just loud enough so your redneck TSA agent will know that you're getting off on his touch. It also helps if you bite your lip. And that, my friends, is how I travel regularly without skipping any part of my daily drug regiment.

ShaveTheWhales October 29, 2010 at 11:01 pm

Damn. I'm lucky when I can travel with a daily drug battalion.

Gleem_McShineys October 29, 2010 at 6:23 pm

THE RESISTANCE WILL NOT BE TELEVISED.

(too small)

ttommyunger October 29, 2010 at 7:12 pm

Does the name Goldberg destine you to be a doughy pantload of a dickish minicunt, or is it something that just seems to happen to people having that name?

JustPixelz October 30, 2010 at 11:14 am

Naturally the (aptly named) Repube-icans will be opposed to abortion in cases of rape, incest and TSA search.

Personally I think all this security screening can be replaced with mandatory ham sandwiches before boarding. Eat the sandwich, get on the "A" plane with the Americans. Don't eat the sandwhich, get on the "T" plane with the vegans, Jews and muslins. We'll call it T&A Airways, where the in-flight entertainment is the security scanner.

Beetagger October 30, 2010 at 4:58 pm

Teach your children to scream and cry when touched by TSA. Then call the police and file a complaint.

Lost_Teabaggers November 1, 2010 at 5:11 pm

God I fucking hate Haley Barbour; every time I see that fat fuck anywhere I have to supress this urge to purchase a plane ticket down to "Mississpuh" and punch him in his fat fucking face. White privilege keeping, fat racist fuck.

Negropolis November 1, 2010 at 7:32 pm

I am SO going to make them feel me up just to make them uncomfortable. Putting methrough a goddamned machine, wills ya? I think not.

el_chupacabra November 9, 2010 at 4:24 pm

"I used to call my testicles "The Insurgency," but those assholes in Iraq ruined the term"

TMI

Scruffy November 16, 2010 at 1:47 am

This is an unreasonable search under the fourth Amendment, and is being conducted without probable cause or a search warrant. No one should be denied access to an airline because thy refuse to be groped or have their dick measured.

ttommyunger November 1, 2010 at 11:55 pm

Jonah a hetro? Methinks you give him too much benefit of the doubt. My guess is, his idea of the perfect sexual encounter involves a sink full of cottage cheese and a harmonica.

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