gripping account

Another Story In the Saga of TSA Feeling Up Jeffrey Goldberg’s Cock

I pointed out to the security officer that 50 percent of the American population has no balls (90 percent in Washington, D.C., where I live), so what is going to happen when the pat-down officer meets no resistance in the crotchal area of women? “If there’s no resistance, then there’s nothing there.”

“But what about people who hide weapons in their cavities? I asked. I actually said “vagina” again, just to see him blush. “We’re just not going there,” he reiterated.

I asked him if he was looking forward to conducting the full-on pat-downs. “Nobody’s going to do it,” he said, “once they find out that we’re going to do.”

In other words, people, when faced with a choice, will inevitably choose the Dick-Measuring Device over molestation? “That’s what we’re hoping for. We’re trying to get everyone into the machine.” He called over a colleague. “Tell him what you call the back-scatter,” he said. “The Dick-Measuring Device,” I said. “That’s the truth,” the other officer responded.

And yes, Jeffrey Goldberg did tell the TSA guy he calls his dick “The Resistance,” because Jeffrey Goldberg was flirting with this TSA guy he wanted to feel up his balls, the end. Welcome to your future America: a ball grabber or dick scanner checkpoint on every corner. And involuntary rape for the ladies. [Atlantic via Daily Intel]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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33 comments

  1. natoslug

    Okay, I have a new philosophy: If it's not within walking distance, it's not worth getting to. Hello toilet, fridge and bed. Goodbye world. Nobody's scanning my corpulence.

  2. V572625694

    You gotta like the way they're up front about saying the punishment for not having your naked, flabby form scoped by highly-trained minimum wage employees of the Toiletries Scrutinization Administration is a full-on grope from a stranger. This is freedom of choice. Like when the flight attendant says "We only have one choice for dinner tonight…"

    And never mention Jeffrey Goldberg's cock again, please. We remember his mother. No child of hers could be "male" in any meaningful sense of the word.

      1. V572625694

        “Goldberg is the mother of political commentator Jonah Goldberg and Joshua Goldberg.” Thus spake the infallible Wikipedia.

          1. Lost_Teabaggers

            That and Jonah hasn't aquired enough flour yet to locate K-Lo's wet spot. It's going to be made into a reality show on Fox called "the Search for K-Lo's womanhood"

          2. ttommyunger

            Jonah a hetro? Methinks you give him too much benefit of the doubt. My guess is, his idea of the perfect sexual encounter involves a sink full of cottage cheese and a harmonica.

  3. SexySmurf

    Why do I imagine Jeffrey Goldberg giggling, like a little boy who just learned a new curse word, while he typed the words "balls" and "vagina"?

  4. JMPEsq

    Ha-ha, he said 90% of people in Washington had no balls; see, that means he's calling politicians women, which is bad, and totally hilarious and not misogynistic at all.

  5. harry_palmer

    “Tell him what you call the back-scatter,” he said. “The Dick-Measuring Device,” I said. “That’s the truth,” the other officer responded.

    And then they let him board the plane, because nothing showed up? Or did it reveal that he's one big dick?

  6. sarjo

    Just out of curiosity…If I was, say, a politician or something and I was wearing an item sort of like a diaper and I had an oopsie…Could TSA see it in the machine?

    Because if I were and was and did, I would REALLY LIKE that!

    1. JMPEsq

      Jonah doesn't have to worry about the "dick-measuring" scanner machine because his rolls of flab keep his genitals hidden.

  7. assistantatlas

    People, people, people, there is one very simple way to assure yourself the most cursory of pat-downs: moan. Not too loud, not too obviously, just loud enough so your redneck TSA agent will know that you're getting off on his touch. It also helps if you bite your lip. And that, my friends, is how I travel regularly without skipping any part of my daily drug regiment.

  8. ttommyunger

    Does the name Goldberg destine you to be a doughy pantload of a dickish minicunt, or is it something that just seems to happen to people having that name?

  9. JustPixelz

    Naturally the (aptly named) Repube-icans will be opposed to abortion in cases of rape, incest and TSA search.

    Personally I think all this security screening can be replaced with mandatory ham sandwiches before boarding. Eat the sandwich, get on the "A" plane with the Americans. Don't eat the sandwhich, get on the "T" plane with the vegans, Jews and muslins. We'll call it T&A Airways, where the in-flight entertainment is the security scanner.

  10. Beetagger

    Teach your children to scream and cry when touched by TSA. Then call the police and file a complaint.

  11. Lost_Teabaggers

    God I fucking hate Haley Barbour; every time I see that fat fuck anywhere I have to supress this urge to purchase a plane ticket down to "Mississpuh" and punch him in his fat fucking face. White privilege keeping, fat racist fuck.

  12. Negropolis

    I am SO going to make them feel me up just to make them uncomfortable. Putting methrough a goddamned machine, wills ya? I think not.

  13. el_chupacabra

    "I used to call my testicles "The Insurgency," but those assholes in Iraq ruined the term"

    TMI

  14. Scruffy

    This is an unreasonable search under the fourth Amendment, and is being conducted without probable cause or a search warrant. No one should be denied access to an airline because thy refuse to be groped or have their dick measured.

Comments are closed.