Charles Krauthammer Declares a Race War

Arise, ye peasants! NO! ONLY THE WHITE ONES!RACE WAR EVERYBODY! RACE WAR! STEP AWAY FROM YOUR COMPUTERS, GO OUTSIDE, AND SORT YOURSELF OUT BY RACE, because Charles Krauthammer says that’s what’s going on. Krauthammer has been in his cave monitoring the transmissions of the brown people very closely, and that’s how he heard “a radio interview that aired Monday on Univision” in which Barack Obama sent a secret message to the Mexicans: “We’re gonna punish our enemies and we’re gonna reward our friends who stand with us on issues that are important to us.” Krauthammer, who spends day and night trying to uncover new human beings who are his enemies, does not like it when a president calls people “enemies.” And that’s why, in the interests of liberty, we must finally repeal this whole “equality” thing.

This from a president who won’t even use “enemies” to describe an Iranian regime that is helping kill U.S. soldiers in Afghanistan. This from a man who rose to prominence thunderously declaring that we were not blue states or red states, not black America or white America or Latino America – but the United States of America.

This is how the great post-partisan, post-racial, New Politics presidency ends – not with a bang, not with a whimper, but with a desperate election-eve plea for ethnic retribution.

Oh man, you can tell Krauthammer is so goddamn happy about this. Race war, race war, raaaaaaace war, we are having a race war! FINALLY the politics Krauthammer wants. We can decide once and for all who is the best race, by killing one another. (As long as the Jews are on Team White.) It’s either scary or hilarious that it took a single utterance of the word “enemy” by a black man for Krauthammer to jump to this conclusion. He has jumped into a lot of poor conclusions in his life, so this may not be the worst, but c’mon Krauthammer, just TELL US that you want a race war. You don’t have to search for years for evidence the president wants “ethnic retribution” and say “the black man started it!” before you’re allowed to call for a race war. Honestly, that’s all your talk about preemptively invading Arab countries was.

What is the point of a two-party democracy if not to present clear, alternative views of the role of government and, more fundamentally, the balance between liberty and equality – the central issue for any democracy?

Listen to the 1987 Pulitzer Prize winner for commentary, children: There is not a scale between liberty and authoritarianism or a scale between inequality and equality, there is only a scale between liberty and equality. You give brown people the equal right to vote, and our country has less liberty. You give white people the liberty to shoot brown people in a race war, and you have less equality. DO THAT LATTER ONE, AMERICA.

The great balance of democracy is between liberty and equality, and the scales won’t be right until we have all liberty and no equality. [WP]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. MadBrahms

    Plea for "ethnic retribution"? Really, Cabbage Hammer? Just because it was on Univision? If he really wanted the Mexicans to rise up, he would've put on clown makeup and gone on a telenovela, anyway.

    1. MaxNeanderthal

      "I hasten to add that since each man will be required to do prodigious… service along these lines, the women will have to be selected for their sexual characteristics which will have to be of a highly stimulating nature…"

      "I must confess, you have an astonishingly good idea there, Doctor."

      Can The Kraut be unaware of the endless opportunities for satire that flow from his every insane utterance?

  2. BrentKockman

    It's funny* how fuckers like Krauthammer keep referring to their wish-fulfillment fantasies of open civil conflict, for unrest in the streets. Do they think they're the only side with guns? Do they think the browns (and the white blood-traitors that would stand with the browns) won't be shooting back?

    *funny – by which I really mean tragic and horribly grim, and cynical, and depressing.

    What a fucker this guy is. And worse still, this wheelchair bound git wouldn't even be able to march in the streets against his "enemies" at all – he'll have to rely on someone else to wheel him to the front lines.

    1. Bluestatelibel

      I think you mean wheel him to the airport so he can catch a flight on Air Canada and get the hell out quick.

      The weird thing is that he thinks the side he's on considers him "Team White."

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Plenty of Salvadorans, radicalized by Chuckles's hero Ronald Reagan's involvement in Central America, in DC to make sure Chuck never makes it to the airport.

        MS13, pendejos!

          1. Kitty_Sanchez

            Yew bet yer boots yew kin borry one! Hell, I'll learn ye how to shoot it too.

            Rent yourself some Tarantino / Rodriguez empowered-gun-shootin'-chicks movies and study up. Then come on over.

          2. Kitty_Sanchez

            I'm dead serious here: if you haven't already seen them, watch Death Proof (so fucking satisfying, trust me), and Machete (carnage + political/social angst + cartoonish fun = astonishing win). Seriously. Check 'em out.

  3. V572625694

    He must have conflated the Illegals with his usual buggaboo, the Muslin/Arabs/Enemies of God's Holy Place on Earth, Israel, long may she oppress her neighbors and second-class-citizens (i.e., Muslins).

    Can't think of anything worse than a conflated bugaboo.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      The whole Jewish Neocon thing of "kill Muslims for Israel/cleave unto the GOP's buttocks" is a strategy to maintain their hard-earned Whiteness by promoting Israel as the 51st State on the one hand and embracing the racist fears and bugaboos of the right on the other, so that Jews are permanently removed from the Klan hate list. However, they rightly point out that other Middle Eastern countries tramp on the faces of their citizens to a much greater degree than Israel, and doesn't Saudi Arabia have enough oil money to buy every displaced Palestinian 40 acres and an olive garden? So meh, whatever, go ahead with your white selves.

      1. ShaveTheWhales

        "kill Muslims for Israel/cleave unto the GOP's buttocks"

        I rarely donate p, because "izzz schtupid", but I have to give one for that.

    2. finallyhappy

      Thanks for bringging Israel into this- so Israel oppresses Syria and Lebanon and Jordan? Just proves wonketteers can be as stupid as the Krautie

          1. V572625694

            Our how about the 1967 scenario: "Well, this 'West Bank' thing you've got here, Jordan…we're just gonna take it. Why, you ask? Because we can."

  4. harry_palmer

    "He has jumped into a lot of poor conclusions in his life, so this may not be the worst"

    There's family tradition for diving headlong into the shallow end. One of his ancestors dove into a shallow gene pool and broke a chromosome.

    1. neiltheblaze

      I think you should give them more credit than that. They have two sometimes three embarrassing columns a day.

  5. natoslug

    I'm sorry, but if he refuses to stand up for what he believes in and give this fight some legs, I'm not participating in his race war. This kind of egging on only cuts the white power movement off at the knees, crippling any chance of winning. And in case I was somehow too subtle, shut up you crippled cripple crippled fuck. Damned gimpy cripple.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I've seen a lot of spinals, Dude, and this guy is a fake. A fucking goldbricker. This guy fucking walks. I've never been more certain of anything in my life!

  6. SayItWithWookies

    My prediction: The Dems lose 60 House seats, eight in the Senate. Rangers in seven.

    It's okay everybody — he's clearly just kidding.

  7. JMPEsq

    Damn that Obama; he promised to reach out to the other side, but now has turned his back on bipartisanship. Why would he do this? It's not like the other side responded by spitting in his face and reflexively filibustering and attempting to block every single thing he proposed or anything.

  8. Extemporanus


    Eviscerate Charles Krauthammer's inane, race-baiting op-ed without once mentioning that he is an evil fucking impotent idiot who overcompensates for his own inability to piss standing up by writing hateful diatribes that are as detached from reality as his pathetic not-so-wet dream that he might one day once again feel something when that big, strong black man he obsessively fantasizes about fucks him up his bed sore-riddled ass.


    I lose…

  9. schvitzatura

    National Movimiento Estudiantil Chican@ de Aztlán (née MEChA) loves the love from St. Chuckles of the Steel Wheels.

  10. imissopus

    I'm sure Cabbage Patch is equally offended by Sarah Palin's language when she says things like "Don't retreat, reload" or Sharron Angle suggesting "Second Amendment remedies" if the Repubs can't control everything or that Repub candidate down in Texas saying that golly gee it sure would be a shame to have an armed insurrection against the government but that option is on the table.

    Cabbage Patch? Are those crickets I'm hearing or do your wheels need some WD40?

    1. GOPCrusher

      Considering that "Obama is racist against white people" has been the rallying cry of the Tea Bagger Movement for the last eighteen months, I figured that we are already in a race war.

  11. Hello !

    Krauthammer, who spends day and night trying to uncover new human beings who are his enemies,…

    Shouldn't be too hard a job… every human should be his enemy.

  12. BaldarTFlagass

    And in preparation for the race war, Charles is having Q outfit his wheelchair with all the same cool shit he put in 007's Aston Martin DB5, including the oil slick, machine guns, and missiles. No ejection seat, however.

  13. MuslinMosk

    I hope the Asians let me side with them. I hear they have those giant mecha death robots now. I saw it in a cartoon.

  14. elpinche

    Good lord, he's awful. Kraut should thank WaPo for their disability and diversity hiring standards, otherwise he'd be trolling HuffPo between catheter changes.

    1. x111e7thst

      You think he has an indwelling catheter and a leg bag? I would have guessed that he has a nurses aide shove a Mentor Self-Cath 16" up there every couple hours just so someone else is forced to touch what is left of his dick.

  15. Radiotherapy

    The only thing worse than Capn Crunchneck's vile comments would be if this were the last post before the weekend again.
    Either way, I'm headed to the Big Hunt.

  16. MistaEko


    Obama: Fucking A. I can't work with these people.


  17. OkieDokieDog

    The official memo about the race war will be on Glenn Beck's Magical History Tour whiteboard thingy. Stay tuned…

    This too; also someday soon, Trig will use his special Jebus powers and heal the Kraut and then Sarah Palin and the Kraut will be ChaChaing on Dawncing with the Staws. Set your VCR NOW!

  18. widestanceroman

    If Chuck was a real man, he'd get up out of that chair and earn some lawn-mowing money for legs that don't hang uselessly beneath him.

    Also, that photo has NEVER failed to put a smile on my face.

  19. metamarcisf

    I have as much of a sense of humor as the next guy, but when you write that "Krauthammer has jumped to a lot of poor conclusions in his life", that's going too far! Is nothing sacred? Besides, that was my line. Now I've got to come up with something else. I'm thinking…

  20. PalinPussyPower

    Race war? I'm down with it. One thing: there might be a little defection going on. I'm not fighting with the rest of those asshat teabagging whiteys, but I'll take up arms for the brown man. How ya like me now, Krauttie? It's not so fun to incite armed insurrection when you're holed up in that bunker with Cletus and his brother-cousin Chet, is it?

      1. Kitty_Sanchez

        You know what? The more I think about it, the more I'm feeling like, "Yeah! Let's go, motherfuckers!" I live down south, and I have guns too.

  21. LionelHutzEsq

    Well, we are already over due for the genetic wars of the mid-90s. I guess if the evil little gnome of Conservatism calls for a Race War forty years after Charles Manson, we can fit that in also.

  22. Dr_Zoidberg

    Wait, which side do I line up on?! I'm white, black, and Native American!

    Oh god, the confusion!

    1. Chet Kincaid

      "#77…Lining Up In The Neutral Zone…the ball will be moved all the way back to the reservation and/or ghetto…4th down."

    2. ChuckieJesus

      You can join me and the other Halfricans and People of Questionable Ethnicity in confusing the hell out of the White Warriors. They'll just think we're Mexicans, anyway.

  23. Allmighty_Manos

    It seems like half of Krauthammer's columns these days read like they were written in dingy basements decorated with German war flags, firearms and bud light neon signs.

  24. Badonkadonkette

    He has jumped into a lot of poor conclusions in his life

    What the fuck, Jack, you calling for a differently-abled war?

  25. BaldarTFlagass

    After he gets to the bottom, he'll go back to the top of the slide where he can stop and turn and go for a ride, then he will get to the bottom and see Rand Paul, hollering about the unconstitutionality of the Americans with Disabilities Act, so maybe he won't be able to get back to the top of the slide after all.

    I've got blisters on me fingers!!

  26. Kitty_Sanchez

    What Obama probably said on that mysterious furrin teevee station, in Messcan-talk: "We need as many hard-working, middle-class voters as we can reach to stand with us so we can defeat our opponents and continue working to restore fairness to all Americans who work hard and play by the rules."

    What Krauthammer reports, using Babel Fish and a righttard thesaurus, with filters set on BROWN-SKIND PPLS WANNA TAKE OUR STUFF & LIBERTY THINGS! and LIBRULS R PUSSIES & LOVE TERRRISSS: "'We're gonna punish our enemies and we're gonna reward our friends who stand with us on issues that are important to us,' " and "…This from a president who won't even use 'enemies' to describe an Iranian regime that is helping kill U.S. soldiers in Afghanistan."

    Wow! That's a lotta red meat for the rightwing outrage junkies, packed into the opening graf of Krauthammer's pre-election pep talk / white-guy-persecution-anthem. Give him credit — he's not very sophisticated about it, but he's effective. Is that why he's a WaPo / D.C. Very Serious Person?

    1. LetUsBray

      Well, my Teabaggistani-English dictionary glosses 'liberty' as 'when white guys with money get to tell everyone else what to do'.

      Anyway, doesn't SAT refer to what Hammer of the Kraut has done since ever he leaped without looking first?

  27. kittylittr

    It always brightens my day when Wonkette writes about the Krautster.

    I must ask, however, if your Photoshop Department has ever attempted to put that chicken in a wheelchair? Because that's the only way it could be any funnier.

  28. June_Cleaver2.0

    I wish Krauthammer could be the beneficiary of Republican policy. That way, when the Republicans take over, Krauthammer won't be able to attend any of the meetings Rand Paul will call on the second floor. When the browns come to whip his butt, he'll finally know what it feels like to fend for himself.

  29. weejee

    Is Cabbagehammer telling us that it's a race to Jewz sides? Or is it a choosey e-racer? Or is it a racy choozer? Or is Cabbagehammer the Choozer, like Shrub was the Deecider? Or maybe Chuckie is a smoozie, choosey, racist?

    I vote for the latter.

  30. JMPEsq

    How is the two-party system supposed to balance between liberty and equality when one party at least somewhat supports both of them, while the other supports both authoritarianism and neo-feudal economic aristocracy?

  31. chickensmack

    Two things: if it's on Univision, I don't envision Krauthammer capable of understanding spanish. If he knows the language un poco, there's a chance something got lost in translation anyways.

    Second: Krauthammer, have you noticed that — during an election season — there's a shitload of hyperbole?! Calm the fuck down.

    1. Kitty_Sanchez

      Your first point was exactly my first thought. Seems kinda obvious, huh? (See 6 or 7 comments upthread.) Here's what kills me: If you look at the comment thread of his WaPo piece, you'll see that it doesn't matter. He's got it MADE. When your audience is a bunch of reactionary authoritarians, any hateful, hackneyed, confirmation biased crap will do. It's sickening that Kraut is considered one of D.C.'s respectable "old guard."

    1. HistoriCat

      Yes! If I'm forced to deal with brown or black skins like they were people then my freedoms are being repressed. It is my god-given right to treat them as the subhumans they are – that's what Liberty is all about.

    2. Kitty_Sanchez

      Of course. And charity is the opposite of diligence, because every educated conservative knows the Old Testament beats the shit out of those lame pussies Aristotle and Plato, or something.

  32. JMPEsq

    A self-ordained professor’s tongue
    Too serious to fool
    Spouted out that liberty
    Is just equality in school
    “Equality,” I spoke the word
    As if a wedding vow
    Ah, but I was so much older then
    I’m younger than that now

  33. imissopus

    If anyone is interested, here is the transcript Univision provided:

    It would be interesting to hear the audio. I think what Obama is doing is saying that if Latinos don't turn out in this election, Republicans will dismiss their importance and feel free to pursue more draconian policies on illegal immigration. Whereas if Latinos vote and the vote swings some elections to the Dems, the Republicans will think they may need to tone down the rhetoric to attract Latino voters in the future.

    Admittedly he might have made the point sloppily. But it's also possible whoever typed the transcription left out an important comma or quote marks.

  34. Lucmee

    This is the same guy who was spewing about the "peasantry" rising up to bite the Dems last week. He got away with calling the middle class (or everybody who's not him) peasants… So how can his views on minorities be much better? He's always struck me as an insufferable prig anyway.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Even Eunice Kennedy Shriver would have had a difficult time wishing Chuckles well. She would have — she didn't have a vindictive bone in her buddy — but she wouldn't have liked it.

  35. elviouslyqueer

    Ugh, I go to ONE meeting, come back, and y'all have already done all the good Krauthammer evisceration. DAMMIT. Oh, and PS Jack, you're welcome, also too as well.

  36. chascates

    “We’re gonna punish our enemies and we’re gonna reward our friends who stand with us on issues that are important to us.”

    Isn't that what everyone in pro-Israel lobby says?

  37. Kitty_Sanchez

    Yay! Oh! Yeesh! Based on the entitled, sexist vibe of his tell-all, I would never have guessed the guy looked like such a baby-butt-faced git. I kinda took it for granted that Christine was a party girl who went after hot-lookin' dudes.

  38. Naked_Bunny

    If you let brown people fight the race war by voting, then the next thing you know you've got naked Wookiees showing up at your door in AT-ST walkers and giant fishmen blowing up your Death Star a.k.a. Wall Street.

  39. Lucidamente1

    Careful Wonketteers: Krauthammer is hotter than ever in Lower Wingnuttia, having won (in their minds) a round of gotcha with Nina Totenberg.

  40. zhubajie

    "What is the point of a two-party democracy"

    To use and abuse us ordinary people more thoroughly?

  41. ttommyunger

    Whenever Kraut-Boy utters a new idiocy I just close my eyes and imagine him in his piss-stained bed late at night when the demons come; pounding that limp little goober furiously trying to get some sensation out of it other than utter numb despair and hopelessness… Could be that's why he's so fucking hateful. I certainly hope so.

  42. zhubajie

    In all seriousness, race, etc., civil war is probably coming to the USA. Plan your escape! Learn Spanish or Hindi or something.

  43. BarackMyWorld

    This is how the great post-partisan, post-racial, New Politics presidency ends – not with a bang, not with a whimper, but with a desperate election-eve plea for ethnic retribution.


    I think it is time Dr. K diagnosed himself with paranoid schizophrenia, prescribed himself some zolafren, and was done with it.

  44. HempDogbane

    But George Will said the enemy was blue jeans. I wish these guys could get their shit together.

  45. Beanball

    In point of fact, Krauthumper is way off base: the classic Liberal Enlightenment argument, since at least Burke, is between "liberty and freedom," not "liberty and equality." Many many dissertations have been written on the distinction; it's a course in law school and poly sci classes and is the basis of the libertarian philosophy vis a vis social responsibility and/or statism (or some similar rot).

    Anyhoo, Krauthumper is disingenuousness on wheels, in case you hadn't noticed.

  46. PublicLuxury

    Yooooo Hoooo, Charlie? Charlie? Charlie Manson your dream just may come true in YOUR lifetime if Krauthammer has his way. Your Family will all be vindicated. You'll be released to cruelly slaughter randomly, have frequent unprotected sex, and use illicit drugs recreationly while rejoicing in your success. ____Pssst, question? Why didn't you work Krauthammer over a bit when you were running free and wild? Is Wisdom and Wit still in print?

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