martian chronicles

Who Wants To Retire On Mars?

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Aw shit it's that Joe Sleestak again!There’s some very interesting stuff going around this week, all about establishing permanent colonies on Mars — and to infinity, and beyond! — using the novel method of “one way missions.” The technology exists today, and the smart people behind companies such as Google are starting to say, “Okay, how much?”

The new issue of the Journal of Cosmology reports, in this paper:

It is important to realize that this is not a “suicide mission.” The astronauts would go to Mars with the intention of staying for the rest of their lives, as trailblazers of a permanent human Mars colony. They would be resupplied periodically from Earth, and eventually develop some “home grown” industry such as food production and mineral/chemical processing (Zubrin and Baker 1992; Zubrin and Wagner 1997). Their role would be to establish a “base camp” to which more colonists would eventually be sent, and to carry out important scientific and technological projects meanwhile.

Who wouldn’t want to do this? Of course there are those who always say, “Uhh, too hard, plus we have so many problems, on this whatever you call it, Earth?” But these people will soon drown in a lake of corn syrup and nacho “cheese sauce,” so let’s not worry about them. [Journal of Cosmology]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • transfatz

    Teabaggers, here's a country you can take back.

    • JustPixelz

      It's perfect for them. No pesky laws. No socialism (except those resupply ships). Space Jeebus nearby in case of emergency.

      • iburl

        Only the laws of physics, chemistry and biology that they will need to know and obey in order to survive, so yes, it's perfect for them. All Aboard the Teabag Space-Mayflower!!

        • JMPEsq

          Except the teabaggers reject the laws of biology, and some the laws of physics too. Maybe they can use faith-based plans for survival.

    • imissopus

      Hell yeah, all we need are rockets with enough power to propel their overfed corpses into space. Science, get cracking.

  • DCHatesMe

    White flight is genetic.

    "They would be resupplied periodically from Earth"

    Mars needs canned corn. Who's going to fund a billion dollar mission to supply munchies to lonely martian Tang addicts?

  • Guppy06

    Let me see what the returns look like after 11/2 before I sign up.

  • Zvi_Bleindmeis

    Mars needs women, according to a classic documentary. Mars would also need gastroenterologists, personal trainers, nail technicians, life coaches, and certified financial planners, and eventually assisted living caregivers. I can't see it.

    • x111e7thst

      One word. Mexicans.

    • CapeClod

      You forgot phone sanitizers.

    • JMPEsq

      Of course the folks at NASA would never consider it, but given that any mission to Mars would take several years at least, or in this case would be permanent, it would actually be a good idea to find some adventurous prostitute, or a slutty scientist who will agree to do things for the team, to join the mission.

    • Extemporanus

      "They were looking for chicks…to go all the way!"

      (Dildo rocket FTW!!)

  • JustPixelz

    Most of the Americans are already planet sized so we may need to outsource our exodus to a skinnier population.

  • Dr_pangloss

    It would be like going back to the pioneering days except high tech. If something broke you'd either have to jerryrig it on the spot or abandon it, even people. Sounds like fun.

    • HistoriCat

      And just think of the future educational game – The Martian Trail

      "You have died from asphyxiation."

  • One_who_wanders

    There has been plenty of relatively serious science fiction written about this kind colonization and possible hazards. I hope someone in charge has read them or at least a summary of them.

    Mars needs libertarians!

  • x111e7thst

    Mars. Galt's new Gulch.

  • Naked_Bunny

    I hope the Native Martians show the Martian colonists where to find air and water, like happened in America.

    • CapeClod

      And the Native Martians will share with them the first Thanksgiving on Mars with a feast of dust and frozen carbon dioxide.

    • OCKerouac

      In return we can give those Native Martians some warm and comfy blankets.

  • natoslug

    Sign me up. I understand there are plenty of Amazon women from Mars, and DAMN, was Lynda Carter fine back in the day. I'm willing to live on canned corn and Tang for the rest of my life if I get to live it with Lynda and her Amazonians. They're all bi, right?

    • DCHatesMe

      Lynda Carter never went to mars. But if you're lucky, Adam Baldwin will invade your escape portal.

      • natoslug

        I sometimes get my B movies mixed up. It looks like Amazon Women came from the moon, and Devil Women and Bad Girls came from Mars. I'll go sulk in the corner now, thanks.

  • chascates

    As long as they don't get Fox News there.

  • metamarcisf

    This is a break for many of our loyal overweight teabaggers. Just think, if you weigh 300 pounds on earth (before dinner), on Mars you will weigh just 111 pounds! This means your 220 lb fourteen year old will weigh only 81 lbs! When the first colonies are established, the first Taco Bells and Carls, Jr. won't be far behind.

  • CapeClod

    "We're going to abandon you on a dead world by getting funding from large corporations who will make us do it as cheaply as possible."

    Hard to see a downside to that deal.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    As long as there are three-tittied women there, like in that Arnold movie, I'm in.

  • SmutBoffin

    J. Cosmol. is where cranks publish made-up bullshit about outer space and stuff. This is not a serious proposal, Ken.

    • Ken Layne

      No, not at all. That's why the director of NASA's Ames Research Center just announced their intention to do this mission, along with grants from DARPA and Washington to get going on the studies. And Larry Page (Google Gazillionaire) says he's in, if they can get the cost down from $10 billion.

      Just bullshit! Enjoy earth, forever.

    • OCKerouac

      Stop pissing all over Ken's dream. He's saving his whore diamonds for a first class ticket!

  • HistoriCat

    Pre-launch – "sure, we'll keep supplying you."
    Year 1 – "Sorry for the technical difficulties but we've resolved the issues and the supplies are on the way."
    Year 3 – "We're all having to tighten our belts this year, so your supplies may at less than optimal quantity and/or quality."
    Year 5 – "We've decided to cancel this project. Sorry. It's nothing personal just a business decision."

    • JMPEsq

      "Well," said the Captain, picking his way through the words carefully, "I think as far as I can remember we were programmed to crash on it."

      "Crash?" shouted Ford and Arthur.

      "Er, yes," said the Captain, "yes, it's all part of the plan I think. There was a terribly good reason for it which I can't quite remember at the moment. It was something to with … er …"

      Ford exploded.

      "You're a load of useless bloody loonies!" he shouted.

      "Ah yes, that was it," beamed the Captain, "that was the reason."

    • OCKerouac

      "Err. Sorry. The 59 Democratic senators who would vote to let you live were filabustered by one Republican who represents the 12 people still living in Wyoming. It's a shame you're all going to starve, but that's the price of freedom!"

  • metamarcisf

    My girlfriend's a cosmotologist, and she never heard of this colonization plan. Are we sure this isn't a joke?

    • Ken Layne

      It was just mentioned for the first time, in public, which is why it's all over the news.

      Also I heard your girlfriend was not invited, which is why nobody is mentioning it to her.

  • chickensmack

    Maybe the participants will get nominated like Ehren did on Jackass… by repeatedly writing only their name on every ballot to be drawn out.

    Confirmed willing participants: Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh. I heard them say so, I think.

  • zhubajie

    Prison colony!

    • OCKerouac

      Does that mean in 200 years a Martian Paul Hogan will return to New York and threaten people with his giant knife?

  • OCKerouac

    Those are always the first words I look for when deciding to start a new life…

    • Sue4466

      More reassuring words were never spoken.

      "Eat at Lucky's. Not a suicide mission."

      "Podunk Airlines. You won't ever see your family again. But it's not a suicide mission."

      I think it's going to catch on.

  • Mindblank

    Bad plan. The earthling invasion of Mars will fail when a germ kills all the colonists in an ironic twist or something.