cocktober surprisier

What Did Gawker Leave Out of Their Christine O’Donnell Pubic-Hair Story?

At least this woman will have enough of a campaign war chest to run for Senate for a living the rest of her life.As we all know, some bro’s account of what Christine O’Donnell’s pubic hair looks like shows she is hypocritical on the most important political issues, and that is why Gawker, according to them, posted that gross account of her naked body on the Internet, for which they paid thousands of dollars. (Haha, you have already clicked on the jump to this story because we put up that picture of her and are talking about her sex life. WE GET IT, THIS IS OUR THING TOO A LOT. Thank you, Gawker.) So yes, the “hypocritical” thing is one way Gawker has been defending this. Another: “We did have to make some judgements,” editor Remy Stern said. “There was some salacious stuff that we didn’t put in.” Really? We have some guesses as to what that stuff is!

Here is a list of important details Gawker left out of this story they purchased because they were slightly less political than that pubic-hair thing we didn’t need to read on a weak stomach:

  • Obviously something to do with a dildo, a really special kind of dildo, because political dildo stuff has died down since your afternoon editor declared this month “Dildoctober.”
  • Precise measurements of Christine O’Donnell’s breasts and vagina.
  • Photos of a 1:1 scale model of this vagina, along with blueprints for making a replica of our own.
  • Oh, ass stuff too. Democracy always needs an accurate rectal measurement.
  • A detailed history of any and all objects that have entered this candidate’s orifices in her life.
  • A sciency pH test and complete analysis on the makeup of her vaginal fluid.
  • Full accounts of each mortifying event in the history of the universe that has involved this particular vagina.
  • An expert analyst’s photo of what Christine O’Donnell’s naked body looked like at its objectively ugliest moment.
  • A short analysis on why this woman is way behind in the polls and still has no chance of winning.



On a serious note, can we please let this condemnation be a teachable moment? It is fine to know that moral values candidates have sex. But we do not want detailed descriptions of our lawmakers’ junk. These people are not fit, young athletes, and it is a slippery slope: One day it may seem acceptable to Gawker to post a photo of shriveled old Robert Byrd’s death boner. And that is not okay. [New York Observer]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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175 comments

      1. Delicious_2

        Actually, not here. But I shall correct myself.

        Today, we are all Christine O'Donnell's pubic hair.

    1. PocketsTheClown

      I, for one, will welcome our half Rachel Ray half that angry hirsute waitress from office space with the linty pooter Senate Overlord… now for the Coons "walking in the Appalachians" moment in 3, 2, 1…

  1. CablinasianDem

    I can't wait to see all the articles and tweets written by Politico staff tomorrow decrying Gawker for reporting this. Perhaps they'll use the same hashtags they used when they reported on Carly Fiorina criticizing Barbara Boxer's hair, Ben Quayle, and the Edwards sex tape.

    Remember prospective j-school applicants, it's only gutter journalism if you get scooped.

    1. DashboardBuddha

      Keee-rist! is that a face only a road-side rest stop or out-of-the-way playground could love?

  2. GuyClinch

    Okay, this is all getting a bit squalid. I don't ever want to read about or think about Christine's vagina ever again. At least until Playboy offers her $1,000,000 to pose, and she accepts.

  3. Monsieur_Grumpe

    I was going to guess that she was constantly asking “Is it in yet? Is it in yet?”
    Too crude?

  4. OkieDokieDog

    I read the Gawker story earlier today, and I'm not about to read it again, so didn't the nameless bro (which is kinda assholey, but then I wouldn't want my friends to know that I had seen her nekkid butt and pubes either, so…) say that O'Donnell took her clothes off, said she was a virgin (meaning born again virgin – hahahaha! yeah, that works) but then didn't really want to have sex? So what's up with that?
    I find this whole story just… well, not really newsworthy, but then neither is she, or Sarah Palin, yet these two and all the other Conservative Feminists that have risen in the Tea Party/GOP ranks seem to be the NEW woman. I don't like these women. Not.one.single.pube. on their stupid twats.

    1. nachoproblem

      It's probably that Conservative Feminism thing you mentioned. "I support every woman's right to be just like me!" Oh, thank you so much.

  5. PublicLuxury

    Perhaps this Woody lover was a rug muncher instead of a fudge packer. Your occupation would mean a lot to this fundie-girl.

  6. kenlayisalive

    I'm assuming to make this model of her vagina we'll need some craft sticks (which I have plenty of) and tempura paints (of which I'm all out).

    So, should I just wait for the plans to come out in next month's 'Boy's Life' or what?

    1. DashboardBuddha

      No sir…the article in next month's Boy's Life is about how to light a fire with Christine OD's vagina.

    2. PublicLuxury

      Random House is selling a kit. It has everything you'll need. As a bonus you get a ship in the bottle and a hide the salami kit.

  7. 4TheTurnstiles

    Dude, Layne, she's not a fucking lawmaker and God willing she never will be. She's a very capable ladybug, to her credit.

    1. Rarian Rakista

      Hobbits may have hirsute tootsies, but J.R.R. Tolkien — thank Skydaddy — did not describe any mythical genitalia that I know of, or ComiCon would be 10x weirder after dark with things like Orc junk stench competitions and Elf "swashbuckling".

  8. Badonkadonkette

    But we do not want detailed descriptions of our lawmakers’ junk.

    In that case, apparently I have always misunderstood the implication of "Walnuts."

  9. donner_froh

    This story has legs–and boobs and lots of other stuff that would be delightful except that it is about Christine fucking O'Donnell who makes everything bad.

    1. HistoriCat

      Christine O'Donnell seems like she would be a lot of fun to hang out with – if she had laryngitis.

  10. savethispatient

    Can you be considered hypocritical when you're quite so adorably kooky? I mean, she's never harmed anything, apart from the GOP's chances of winning the Delaware Senate seat.

    LEAVE CHRISTINE ALONE! <sob>

    1. kenlayisalive

      I know, I feel the same way.

      But then she says something like "rape and incest are just scare tactics of the pro-life movement" and I want to rip her antennae off.

  11. jimnewell

    "It is fine to know that moral values candidates have sex. But we do not want detailed descriptions of our lawmakers’ junk."

    What has become of this website?

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Well, it's not quite as funny as when you were here, but Gawker seems to have not gotten any funnier either.

      How come they won't let you cut loose over there, Jimmy? We were expecting more Wonkettish stuff; we thought that's why they hired you in the first place.

      1. jimnewell

        Oh Lascaux, +1 points for you, sir. I just hope this Jackington fellow is ready and willing to post explicit stories about old lawmaker cock if and when the opportunity presents itself. I used to love just irritating and disgusting regular readers on purpose. But maybe that's just me. I'll tell you, though, I hated it here when the "work day" ended, almost every day.

        I'm not sure it's a matter of them not "cutting me loose" as it is me "really wanting to fuck off for a week and not read about politics." I still type jokes, though. Sorry if they're not funny, I can't tell anymore. Sometimes I enjoy making arguments and throwing in facts, as stupid and false as they may be and surely are. But it's nice when I can go back to a post a month later and have some idea of what the fuck I was talking about.

      2. jimnewell

        Now why have I accrued a "+11" on my first contribution, but watched my p-score go down? I have no idea how this new electronic version of Wonkette works.

        1. Crank_Tango

          no one knows how it works, but we won't judge you by the size of your p-ness anyway. Pube grooming, yes.

        2. Rarian Rakista

          There was an analog version of Wonkette?

          Was it steampunk or something, with gears, knobs and levers and 1000's of women with hair buns and ankle length skirts typing into telegraph machines?

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Jack's very good.

        Mind you, he's no "Jim Newell in his Prime" but he has that potential, if I'm any judge. And since Jimmy has retired to the sleepy, moneyed environs of the Gawker empire, the mantle has been lying there, waiting to be taken up.

        I think our Jack may have what it takes. The bile, the bitterness, the sarcasm, the jé ne sais gingér, it's all there, seething under the surface.

        We're pulling for you, Jack.

        1. Gleem_McShineys

          "We're pulling for you, Jack."

          You libtards just haven't made enough masturbation euphemism-jokes already on other Christine O'Donnell threads, already? Skum!

  12. LionelHutzEsq

    Clearly what they left out was her intention to stay a born again virgin, but not a born again ass virgin.

    1. Beowoof

      Really what is she doing in bed with no pants on if there is no fucking going on. Well no tradional fucking, but there must be lots of ass fucking and oral. Most women I have been with say anal orgasms are more intense.

  13. Not_So_Much

    I presume the Photoshop of her tickling the balls of a ginormous schlong threatening her open, cakehole in this pic is forthcoming?

  14. fatoots

    Meh, they probably left out the part where she was so drunk she gagged and puked all over his crotch.

  15. Blendergoathead

    An "editor" at Gawker doesn't know how to spell "judgment." No wonder old whats-his-face went to go work for those star-fucking, spritzer-drinking weenies.

    Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to track back up and chase links until I see O'Donnell's pubes (I'd actually settle for an artist's rendering, but I'm an optimist).

      1. Crank_Tango

        thanks! I like how that other bug came up and asked if there was room for one more. pretty much like Xtine OD's halloween night.

  16. seppdecker

    "One day it may seem acceptable to Gawker to post a photo of shriveled old Robert Byrd’s death boner. And that is not okay."

    I have a feeling Carl Paladino would be cool with those photos.

  17. noodlesalad

    This is great news, for John McCain! Seriously, he's read this story like five times now. It's getting creepy.

  18. transfatz

    Say, isn't that one of the insect minds the trolls from Breitbart are always disparaging? Christine is a progressive? Who knew.

  19. Steverino247

    I can see not fucking her because it seemed "too easy," which can be creepy, but not fucking her because she didn't trim her pubic hair?! Does this guy have hot and cold running pussy installed in his apartment such that he can turn some down when it is eagerly awaiting a thorough fucking right in front of him? What an asshole!

    1. commiegirl

      Jesus, no shit, right? "OBVIOUSLY I am a total tool who is terrified of some good healthy bush"! Somebody send that poor scared boy a picture of Demi Moore's magnificent, lush ladyfoliage.

  20. elpinche

    In the end, voters will recognize that hard working patriotic Americans don't have time to wax…unlike elitits women like Michelle Obama and her cleanly shaven runway from some fancy DC spa. And don't forget those pampered smooth thighs and hot calves from working out all the time at some fancy gym while I work at Pep boys all night long. Michelle probably wears high heels when she's banging Barry Hussein on the oval office desk while he holds her firm smooth chocolate ass on every down stroke, like a government handout. That's not the America I want.

  21. elpinche

    In the end, voters will recognize that hard working patriotic Americans don't have time to wax…unlike elitits women like Michelle Obama and her cleanly shaven runway from some fancy DC spa. And don't forget those pampered smooth thighs and hot calves working all the time at some fancy gym while I work at Pepboys all night long. Michelle probably wears high heels when she's banging Barry Hussein on the oval office desk while he holds her firm smooth chocolate ass on every down stroke, like a government handout. That's not the America I want.

    1. el_donaldo

      Please continue, sir. Are your rates hourly or by the quarter hour? Perchance you have completed narratives describing this America we do not want that could be quickly perused in a private moment?

    2. BklynIlluminati

      Ok i just had a mind suppression moment. The FLOTUS is my political Madonna (Mary not the skank pop star). Michelle is pure as Harriett Tubman, Rosa Parks, Mary mother of Jesus did i say that already? Anyway you fucking made me vaporlock.

  22. DeLand_DeLakes

    I am so tired of everyone constantly hating on my favorite little mound of mess! I am of course talking about pubes.

  23. Missyb9479

    Christine O'Donnell isn't obsesses with keeping her pubes looking porn ready, likes naked cuddling, and has is attracted to assholes.

    I guess she really is me.

  24. Sparky_McGruff

    I have to say, reading this makes me feel a bit dirty. Not David Vitter shitting in a diaper and having a hooker change me dirty, but dirty nevertheless.

  25. OldRedneck

    This guy should have done what any good Alaskan Bush Pilot would have done — just closed his eyes and set it down where he thinks the landing strip is.

  26. Mrspanky

    "Let me tell you a story. A Body Count Love Story…

    You know I' ve been all around the world. Went to Philly and met the finest white girl.

    Brown hair, a bug suit and big thighs – the kind of girl that would turn on most guys.

    She got wild in her auntie's bedroom. Sucked my dick like a mother fucking vacuum.

    But when I tried to fuck her, she stopped me and say – "I'm a virgin and just can't play!"

  27. tribbzthesquidz

    Oh man, she is totally the kind of girl I hear tell about, that one picks up at the club, takes home and haz a(n) hate/love session. She's fresh and clean at the church meetin' the next day. That's kinky stuff. There's probably pictures too. It's only a matter of time.
    Why don't these people understand that everybody's got one?

  28. BarackMyWorld

    Hey, remember how at the beginning of this year we were all making jokes about Scott Brown's pubes? There's definitely a precedent for this here, folks.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      See, if you heed my warning about which way Bubba's pecker hangs the rest will take care of itself. It's all part of the plan. And now that I think of it, this does sorta implicate Ken Starr and Henry Hyde and all them in 9/11.

      1. lumpenprole

        I never thought about how hard it must be for a time traveler to NEVER FORGET 911! Sounds complicated.

  29. PhillipMarlowe6

    Reminds me of the time I went to see Marty Augustine, a Jewish mobster.
    He wanted me, himself and his entire entourage (except for Pepe who had too many knife scars and Joanne who was bandaged up from the coke bottle her lover Marty put to her nose) to take our clothes off to show we had nothing to hide.
    He said he understood our embarrassment because he was embarrassed back in his school days preparing for gym class because he didn't have any pubic hair until he was 15.
    To which I quipped, You must have looked like one of the 3 Little pigs.

    Watch it here: http://movieclips.com/6QFLJ-the-long-goodbye-movi

  30. horsedreamer_1

    I found a coupla spelling errors in the piece, but compared to other Gawker Media sexy-time round-ups, it was quite well-composed.

    1. natoslug

      What do you think this is? CNN? Pubes and lubes are our reasons for living. Degenerate sex and the occasional politics are at the heart of our ouevre. If you want hard-hitting stories of a horse stuck in a ditch, you need to look elsewhere.

      1. GreasyRabbit75

        With a name like Be-a-woofer, I would guess you are the roadkill-eater. After chasing cars of course. Sounds like the typical progressive chick. Too. Also.

    2. BaldarTFlagass

      Your powers of observation must be at their zenith. Yeah, we're real fucking serious here, can'tcha tell? If you really want to torque off your opposition, go log in at DailyKos or Think Progress. You can really get their panties in a twist over there, rather than just being laughed at.

      1. di_da_is_alpha

        Hey, jackass, if this is gonna be a satirical site, then hit BOTH sides. The left has some real prime mocking material, but you bozos only hit the right. That makes this site fair game.

        1. Oblios_Cap

          Don't you Breibarters have some little boys to diddle? Jeez, just because Andrew grabs Wag's ass doesn't mean that you have to come over here with your mindless drivel and pollute our site, too.

  31. BaldarTFlagass

    "Photos of a 1:1 scale model of this vagina, along with blueprints for making a replica of our own."
    Why couldn't the dude just make a plaster cast?

    1. dr_giraud

      "Why did I buy this genuine to scale, deluxe Aurora Christine O'Donnell life-size Vagina Model Kit? Um. um, um . . . shit. You got me. I sniff glue."

  32. Mindblank

    Shriveled death Boehner? Why, it's orange and a particularly good pattern for carving on pumpkins.

  33. thefrontpage

    This O'Donnell woman, or whatever her name is, and Palin, and that former spokeswoman for Bush and many others like them–who some wayward people somehow find attractive–completely, 100 percent lose all of their attractiveness, sexiness and positive personality traits by being associated with the increasingly moronic, idiotic, wayward, out-of-it, and just incredibly stupid far right, ultra-conservative, racist, sexist and homophobic Republican party hard-liners. So these women are not attractive, on any level. If anything, they're ugly–on every level. And none of them should be holding a political office, especially these O'Donnell and Palin poseur creatures.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      What's the ugliest
      Part of your body?
      Some say your nose
      Some say your toes
      But I think it's
      YOUR MIND

    2. BarackMyWorld

      I must be more shallow than you, because to me that's just the difference between kicking them out afterwards and making them breakfast in the morning.

  34. zhubajie

    Does Benn Hinn "heal" lost virginity? It could be a whole new ministry/business for up and coming faith healers!

  35. MrsBiggTime

    Wow. After reading your bullet points I'd rather put a bullet in my head than partake in another vagina, O'Donnell-tang or otherwise.

  36. DarwinianDemon

    Thank goodness Wonkette distanced itself from this sordid and uncouth "Gawker" website long ago. Now…let us turn our attention back to more savory affairs such as "nutz" and the truckz that love them.

  37. Egregious644

    I'm not too old, but maybe it's a generational thing. If a hot babe a few years older than me climbs bareass into my bed, I wouldn't care if her hoo-ha was as hairy as Danny DeVito's. This idot gets offends and rolls over to fall asleep? Then, the next morning she's still hot to go and he just takes her home?

    It must be easier out there for these guys than it ever was for me. That's the depressing part.

    1. BarackMyWorld

      Sadly, thanks to the "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" Christmas special DVD from last year, I know exactly what you mean about Danny DeVito.

  38. Egregious644

    I'm not too old, but maybe it's a generational thing. If a hot babe a few years older than me climbs bareass into my bed, I wouldn't care if her hoo-ha was as hairy as Danny DeVito's. This idot gets offends and rolls over to fall asleep? Then, the next morning she's still hot to go and he just takes her home?

  39. beer4prez

    I have a question. Feel free not to answer it, but I'm completely unfamiliar with how this whole blogs-paying-randos-for-dirt thing works. There was iPhone, then Favre (which, BTW, Deadspin seems like they accomplished what Brett couldn't and totally screwed her), and now this.

    So: First, if someone comes to a blog with a story, how detailed does the pitch have to be for money to exchange hands. As in, could he say 'I have dirt on CO'D" and they pay him the money. Or does he say "I hooked up with CO'D, if you want the whole story pay me in the low four." Or, what?

    Second, where does integrity play into it. Because it's days before an important mid-term election, we have at least a handful of crazies that are AHEAD in the polls with truly Halloween-level scary platforms, and the blogs are all abuzz with … an obvious loser's nether regions. Talk about wanting to get back to Sanity.

  40. Wadisay

    I think the part of this story we are not hearing is where the anonymous dude dressed up like a male lady bug and tried to spray her with pheremones.

Comments are closed.