Fox News Sets Up Voter Intimidation Tip Line To Protect You From Blacks

  knights of caucasia


For years, ACORN and the New Black Panthers have stood outside polling stations to intimidate US. Why would a good (white) citizen even try to go into such a place? Obviously, they would be murdered on the spot. And yes, although democracy is worth dying for, it’s not worth dying and MISSING A WHOLE SEASON OF NCIS or Ghost Whisperer or whatever the old people watch on their CBS. Thankfully, Fox News is rescuing us from these scary dark-skinned people, by setting up an e-mail tip line of their own so that you can fire up the AOL and alert them that a real, live black person has been spotted in your hamlet this election day.

In a segment on Megyn Kelly’s show today, she explained that the Justice Department “has promised to be on the lookout for what it calls voter intimidation next week.”

In other words, the Justice Department is looking to HIRE SOCIALIST “CENSUS” WORKERS to stand outside the votin’ box and the general store and look at you with their black-people eyes. Thus, it’s important that Fox has its own real voter suppression effort. And perhaps hires some people dressed up as werewolves to scare the people scaring the innocent little conservative white voters. [TPM via Wonkette operative "Beth M."]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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94 comments

    1. guangho

      And they're not mowing my lawn or cooking my food or raising my kids. Whatever happened to my country?

  1. edgydrifter

    Spelling your name "Megyn" seems uncomfortably "ethnic" to me. I'd better report her to the proper authorities at Fox just to be safe.

    1. kittylittr

      FoxNews will be launching a phone sex line. "To hear Megyn Kelly read Dr. Laura's N word rant, press one. Two hear closeted gay Republicans rail at length and in unsettling detail about homosexual practices, press two."

  2. PublicLuxury

    If I see any brown I leavin' town. Right after I call Megyn Kelly and tell her about the bad brown that seeped into my neighborhood. When are the brown going to learn thei place? Those uppity brown ________

    If FOX NEWS fell off the planet I would rejoice.

  3. anniegetyourfun

    Woah. That portion of Megyn Kelly's face looks a bit like Michael Jackson's. Have you ever seen them in the same room together? Have you?

    1. HistoriCat

      Wouldn't the world be a better place if Michael and Megyn switched places? You know – he could liven up the FOX newscasts with some singing and dancing. And she would be dead.

  4. chascates

    I've seen reports of ILLEGALZ canvassing voters so it's obvious that hordes of our home-grown people of color will be out in force to ensure the continuance of those welfare Cadillacs and such. And I'm behind them 100 percent.

  5. Lascauxcaveman

    How much work would it be to organize a campaign of fraudulent tips regarding burly White Tea Bagger types intimidating the hell out of black and brown voters at polling stations across battleground states? Not much I'm thinking.

    The more creative among you h0axrs could even produce camera phone vids of white-on-brown mob violence (head stomping is trendy these days! Ha! Better yet, lynchings!)

    Anyway, send all this stuff to the FOX tipline; see if ANY of it makes it on their reports. It'd be a fun way to kill time for after you've voted and you're sitting around bored, waiting for the results to come in.

    1. SmutBoffin

      I would encourage everyone to email this address continuously, forever, and give lurid accounts of how you were prevented from voting. Ideas include:

      "They wouldn't let me vote because I wasn't wearing a daishiki!"
      "They wouldn't let me vote because I didn't know the secret ACORN password!"
      "They wouldn't let me vote because I was drunk and took a dump in the booth!"

    2. SmutBoffin

      I would do the opposite and send in tips of lurid and hilariously blatant intimidation by blacks, muslins, and ACORNs. Examples include:

      "They wouldn't let me vote because I wasn't wearing a daishiki!"
      "They asked for my ACORN ID and password, then touched my naughty places!"
      "I was drunk and took a dump in the booth, so they kicked me out! What happened to FREEDUM!?!?"

    3. savethispatient

      They're obviously just using it as a way to prep their excuse for if the Republicans don't win back both the House and the Senate – WE WOZ ROBBED! VOTER FRAUD!

  6. Rarian Rakista

    My Grant Aunt Ruth was wheeled down from the old folk's home to the polling station in the elections in 2008 — even though she can't remember her children's names — and as usual voted straight ticket Republican. When her daughter asked her why she voted for McCain, she said to keep that Negro out of the White House, classy lady.

    This year she got an absentee ballot because Fox News has scared her away from her polling place because she think she saw a black person there in 2008 — this is in the middle of Appalachia, so highly unlikely.

  7. OneYieldRegular

    Ah come on, Fox – you can do better than that. Where's the Fox 'n' Friends Head Stomping Squad?

    I'm beginning to think the Confederacy actually won, but we're just now finding out about it.

    1. Banelm

      Yeah they more or less did. See, we won the fighting, then we let them vote on who won, every four years, like unlimited do overs.

      1. OneYieldRegular

        I think that's the most accurate and concise summary of the political dynamics of this country that I've ever read.

    1. Banelm

      You're fooling yourself, we're living in a dictatorship, where the working classes are exploited by the aristocracy, hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma.
      If there's ever gonna be any progress…
      ….But first I'd better see to this mud.

    2. OhNoGuy

      Call Christine O'Donnell!!

      Sorry, she's repressed , too. Also.

      (first time I did that, admirable restraint, huh?)

  8. writechic

    In Birmingham, Alabama where teh blacks are 70% of peeps, Fox News looks down on the city from Red Mountain with the Eye of Sauron, and its scary.

  9. kittylittr

    I don't know about you, but I plan on observing a lot of voter fraud at precincts near and far, and I am going to get busy and start observing it right now hourly to FoxNews, and I am observing it most especially in those places that don't have early voting going on yet. Because it's RAMPANT there, I tell you.

      1. JustPixelz

        Dear Fox:
        I am only recently arrived in America from Mexico. For the past two weeks I have voted and voted and voted. But the black panthers won't pay me the Acorn money they promised. Isn't that fraud?

  10. Groupshrug

    I don't remember Faux News having a problem with the Supreme Court deciding that GWB was a the next POTUS in 2000 and all the shenanigans that took place to make that happen…

  11. jus_wonderin

    Off topic: How many are going to the "Restoring Sanity" rally? I want to go to make sure there is a good showing but I am on the fence. My airfare would be nil (I have a friend with AA. Not that AA, though maybe I should have a friend with that AA too.)

    Edit: And I want to buy some cool things at this National Mall I've been hearing about.

    1. finallyhappy

      My daughter and I will be there- we live here. The Mall is awesome- there is a giant Limited and all of the Old Navy/Gap/ J Crew stores too. The food court sucks though,

  12. LionelHutzEsq

    Dear Megyn Kelly,

    I never thought it would happen to me, but the other day I went to my local polling place in an attempt to vote for the Constitutional candidate. But, to my surprise, when I got there, there was a big black man also in line.

    He gazed at me with those swarthy brown eyes, hazy from years of crack use, but still containing that animalistic magnetism of the jungles of his origins. He leaned in close, and whispered in my ear "Hey baby, you want to get it on?" As he brushed my hair back from my eyes, I was overwhelmed with a desire I had never felt before. I knew I had to vote for the Socialist, or something bad would happen to me. Something very, very bad.

    So we went into the booth together, and I gave a tug on the leaver, letting free all of the jungle energy he had built up. At the time I was thrilled, but now, as I look back on it, I feel shame that I let this animal lead me away from the path of voting Republican that God, Christine O'Donnell and FOX News wanted me to follow.

    Thank you for bringing this issue to light.

    –A Long Time FOX Viewer

    1. loquacioustunes

      My adopted little brother, who is half black and half white, is about to have a baby with a white girl. We should tell Megyn that and then stand back as her head explodes.

        1. loquacioustunes

          I know, poor little guy, right? I've told my brother to hide the mirrors so that he doesn't scare himself.

  13. donner_froh

    I wonder if anyone from Delaware will email Fox News to report that Christine O'Donnell is trying to intimidate voters by flashing her fur covered ladyparts.

  14. jakegittes

    [Turn off Snark]:

    Here in San Diego, we have a local right wing radio personality known as Roger "Former Mayor and Felon" Hedgepock. Frequently, he substitutes for Limbaugh. This past week, I was listening to his show and got sick and tired o.f what now is the right wing talking point about election fraud. These types of accusations are now running rampant. Why? I don't know. Maybe because the Rethugs are anticipating some electoral disappointments here and there next week.

    But I got sick of hearing guys like Hedgecock say stuff like, "I wonder how many illegal aliens will be voting in California in the upcoming election."

    So, I decided to call in. Amazingly, I got right in and spoke with the screener. Here is a rough estimation of the dialogue:

    SCREENER: So, what do you want to speak about with Roger today.

    ME: I want to talk with Roger about how recently when I went to my mailbox to pick up my mail, an illegal alien was lying in wait and stole my Mail-In Ballot from me.

    SCREENER: How do you know he was an illegal alien?

    ME: Because he was brown.

    SCREENER: Okay. I know where this conversation is going.

    ME: (Right before the screener hung up on me) GO FUCK YOURSELVES.

    I never did get to speak with our former felonious Mayor.

  15. bumfug

    "Hello, Fox? I'm calling from Seaford, Delaware and my neighbor said he was going to go vote for Coons. I'm not a racist but that scared me."

    1. LionelHutzEsq

      Worse, my friend from Delaware said that he had a spell cast on him so he could not vote for Coons. Also, he grew a pudding cup beard. Also.

  16. BarackMyWorld

    Mark my words…someone next week will claim the Republicans got a victory only after ACORN disbanded, and that proves that ACORN rigged 2006 and 2008.

  17. Whatever

    ok, some come the 2nd, we all call them. We all tell them we're intimidated. and DNS them with voter fraud

    1. Kitty_Sanchez

      Why wait? Early voting is going on all over the country.

      Oh, heck–forget about voter fraud. Email 'em a few thousand times just to say "Hey!"

  18. Janinthepan

    On the other hand, there will be cases where people will be intimidated at the poles by scary teabaggers, or told that they have to vote provisionally, and I will be fielding those calls all Tuesday!

        1. Kitty_Sanchez

          Wait'll you get a load of the guys with negative pee. They troll the moron sites like Dimbart's and load up on the negatives, then they come back here and strut around, all bloody, showing off their battle wounds. It's really kinda cool.

    1. metamarcisf

      Don't lose heart. Just stick around for the Friday afternoon Krauthammer joke of the week contest. Last week's winner, well, shoot, you had to see it. Just imagine Lou Gehrig in a moomoo.

  19. Lascauxcaveman

    I think that happens to me everytime someone with a bigger pee than mine deigns to reply. Fortunately, it doesn't happen too often.

    If you want to make your pee go back down again, go back and delete your comments with the highest pee. It worked for me.

    Or just go type something sane, non-racist and coherent on one of those Breitbart blogs, if you're in a super-duper hurry.

  20. imissopus

    Any Dems that do win next week, the Rethugs will scream "fraud" and contest the results in court and demand various secretaries of state not certify election results until lawsuits are resolved, thus keeping some Dems from being seated for a few months. Bank on it.

      1. imissopus

        Believe me, I won't be back here bragging about it.

        I think I'm going to console myself by sending a couple of hundred emails to the Fox tip line: "Dear Fox, my polling place did not have separate 'coloreds only' voting booths. Now I'm not a racist but seeing Them at the polls made me think they'd get mad if I voted for the white fella. Unleash the Malkin!"

    1. LionelHutzEsq

      Hell, the Republicans will scream fraud and march out video of a black guy even if they win the seat. Need to set up the meme for next year.

      1. Negropolis

        Maybe that's what I'll be for Halloween, a New Black Panther Party member, and then simply forget to change clothes until November 3rd. Either that, or the Rent is Too Damn High guy who may as well be a New Black Panther as far as the anyone's concerned.

        Blaxploitation is the best xplotation.

    2. Left_Leftie

      You said what I was thinking. That throw-away line at the end of the clip is what got me thinking. They're going to challenge the absentee ballots.

  21. Fferret

    As a former socialist Census worker (I was a Crew Leader for the Decennial Census,) I'm going to go right out and grease up my AK-47 to be ready for Tuesday! Oh wait. I'm an election judge. Guess I'll have to use the Glock my Election Board provided then.

  22. MistaEko

    To: voterfraud@foxnews.com
    Dear Fox News,

    I don't believe it. As I approached my polling place, 2 Girls (apparent members of ACORN, 1 of them holding a cup) told me to turn around and go home or be scarred for life. I refused, and what they did next caused me to run home in panic. Thankfully, I recorded it and have a link here…

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