By the Comics Curmudgeon
Hooray, Tuesday will be the election, for real! Then we won’t ever have to worry about politics ever again, at least until mid-January, when Speaker Boehner orders us all to be rounded up and put in camps for “security purposes.” But until then, here is a fun cutting-edge political observation for you: did you ever notice that Election Day and Halloween are close together? It’s funny because for one of these celebrations we encourage our children to participate in pagan rites and worship demons, and for the other we elect John Boehner speaker, apparently. Also, both events feature monstrous human-animal hybrids, that people sometimes have sex with! Let’s take a look.
Awww, who can forget the sexy year 2008! That’s when America finally got over its silly hangups and said, “You know what? I’ve been telling myself for years that my sexual attraction for that donkey-man in the nice suit is a sin against man and God. But this is the 21st century! I can’t let outdated dogma that tells me that man/donkey-man love is wrong hold me back! I’m going to go over there and ‘vote for Obama’ (i.e., proposition him). I ‘hope’ it will be as erotic as I always dreamed!” Sadly, in 2010, we find that the sex thrill is long gone, and now America reacts with queasy distaste when the sexy donkey man comes back for another go.
But these terrible awkward post-bestiality moments are not the monopoly of the left! No, it seems that one Sarah Palin has a certain regret in her past, possibly involving this sad-eyed moose, who can only stare disconsolately through the window at her, silently, as she trashes all the beautiful memories they had together. I know it can be hard to give up on a lost love, moose-man! But unlike the lame liberal in the last cartoon, Sarah Palin is not afraid to shoot and kill you, so maybe you had best nurse your broken heart elsewhere.
Why not take a cue from the Dem donkey, my moosey friend? He’s left heartbreak behind him and is getting his picture taken for a new online dating service! Of course, first he got drunk and fat and lost a front tooth, and is now looking through heavy-lidded booze-addled eyes at the photographer, who’s going to take only a terrible cell phone pic that will not get him any action on the Internet, and will probably only be posted as a cruel joke. But still, he’s trying, you know?
Uh, where were we … oh, right, Halloween! I think this is supposed to Barack Obama taking one of his adorable daughters out trick-or-treating while claiming not to be a tax and spend liberal, but the fact that he’s wearing a letterman’s jacket was confusing, leading me to initially think he was supposed to be some high school student with a middle school girlfriend or something. He’s wearing a jacket because … that’s the kind of jacket people wear with writing on them, I guess? It’s not exactly a costume per se, is it? Why not a gorilla suit with the text printed on the back? Everyone loves gorillas!
Meanwhile, clean-cut white family men everywhere are having persistent and intrusive erotic dreams about voting for Republicans. Will these dreams become so vivid that they’ll be unable to distinguish the dream world from reality, as in the top-grossing film Inception? Make sure you don’t vote immediately after one of these people, because the voting booth will be all jizzed up.
GIVE US MONEY! -