just trust them

Americans Going To Vote For GOP Even Though They Prefer Democrats

POLLSTERS, WE KNOW WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT, OKAY?The New York Times has a new poll about the midterms out today, and, surprise, it seems people are more likely to vote for Republicans than in 2008. “Republicans have wiped out the advantage held by Democrats in recent election cycles among women, Roman Catholics, less affluent Americans and independents,” they concluded. What does this “less affluent Americans” thing mean? Less affluent than women and Roman Catholics? Less affluent than “Bo Obama”? Oh, right, that’s probably just their way of saying “people who don’t read The New York Times.” Anyway, this sort of looks bleak for Democrats, no? But, as Matthew Yglesias points out, it turns out voters in this poll actually say they have a more favorable opinion of Democrats than Republicans. Huh?

So what is it? Do people just hate Obama?

Yet nearly 60 percent of Americans were optimistic about Mr. Obama’s next two years in office

Oh, no, and actually they also give him higher approval ratings than the Republican Party and than Democrats in Congress.

So what is it? Do they just feel compelled to vote against the party in power because the economy is bad?

nearly 70 percent said the economic slump is temporary. Half said the economy was where they expected it would be at this point, and less than 10 percent blamed the current administration for the state of the economy, leaving the onus on former President George W. Bush and Wall Street.

Wait, that blame Bush stuff is actually working with these people and their short attention spans? Then why would these people vote for that party?

In a follow-up interview, one poll respondent, Judy Berg, an independent from Morton Grove, Ill., said she voted for Mr. Obama in 2008 because she was “looking for a change,” adding, “the change that ensued was not the change I was looking for but something totally out of left field.”

Ah, there we go. Barack Obama got Americans addicted to this idea of all-solving “change” that would fix everything forever. Now the public will just haphazardly switch parties every two years from now on, jonesing for that sweet, sweet change fix. WE HAVE BECOME THE KENYAN DRUG ADDICT WE ELECTED. [Yglesias/NYT]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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121 comments

  1. carlgt1

    I guess we'll know Wednesday morning; but it is amazing that the so-called "liberal lamestream" media is pushing a Repuke landslide!

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Apparently he never made it past the headline. Not surprising, really, since for those kind of trolls, reading lots of words iz hard.

      1. Kidneys4Sale

        I should have let it rest, really, but I'm pissy today. Oh, and thanks, Jack, for doing professionaly what I did sophomorically earlier because I reckoned my cock to be sufficiently cheetoh-stained for the moment.

  2. Not_So_Much

    So, is all that text and graphs just to get to the bottom line of, "'Murkan voters are uninformed retards who will clap and vote for whatever ad is the meanest"?

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      "Let's see, Dave has my best interests at heart; Dave is probably gonna help with our slow but continuing economic recovery, Dave's policies are mostly stuff I agree with. I voted for Dave last time, and that smart black guy that heads up Dave's department is great; I really like him, too. Rob however, is a bit of a jerk and he want's his banker buddies to screw us over again; he's a shrill reactionary on a lot of social issues, which really kinda turns me off."

      "So who're you gonna vote for?"

      "Oh. Rob, I guess?"

      [/shoots self in head]

    1. catchtheflava

      "Your guilty conscience may move you to vote Democratic, but deep down you long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and RULE YOU LIKE A KING!"

      I guess it's a testament to the times when people don't even have the guilty conscience anymore. My Catholic upbringing has left me out of step.

        1. obfuscator2

          the parasites that live inside cat shit and cause toxoplasmosis are much smarter than most americans.

          1. Doglessliberal

            If mine had the energy or inclination to get up and go somewhere to do something not involving food, he would agree.

    1. SwarmOfBees

      Agreed. I actually flipped off the television the other day when this rock stupid lady in Louisiana explained that she would still vote for Diaperman Vitter despite his…prediliction… because "that's a personal matter between him and his wife."

      Pretty sure it's also a matter between him and his diaperchanger, not to mention IT'S TOTALLY ILLEGAL.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Or the Miller supporter (a young guy) in Alaska interviewed by Maddow. "I don't like where this country is going because of what Obama's done with guns." What exactly HAS he done with guns?" Rachel asked. "Well, I don't understand it exactly … Obama didn't do it himself, he had Holder do it … well, I don't know, but it's not right."

        Pure genius.

        1. blinky_twinkie

          If there's a clearer example of code for "It's all the nigger's fault," I've never seen it.

        2. GOPCrusher

          Just replace the word "guns" with taxes, healthcare, fetuses, etc., etc. and you have wrapped up the Tea Bagger/Republiklan Campaign Platform up perfectly.

  3. Moonbatting Average

    The real problem here is that the "more effluent" Americans are so highly motivated during this election cycle

  4. SmutBoffin

    "Now they will the public will just haphazardly switch parties every two years from now on…"

    I like it! The American political scene is constantly shifting on the short term, but is really quite static in the long run. Each newly elected regime undoes all the legislative changes of the previous one, then kills a few more foreigners (because that's an American Tradition that no one would DARE fuck with).

  5. magic_titty

    Maybe Americans were expecting actual change (i.e. coins) to be handed out to them? Which I admit, would be a nice gesture.

    1. GOPCrusher

      I, for one, am still waiting for President Obama to personally deliver the unicorn that I was promised for voting for him.

    2. sezme

      Turns out that the change we were looking for was hiding under our sofa cushions the whole time! Economy=recovered.

  6. JMPEsq

    90s nostalgia is gripping the nation, and America wants to see another smart Democratic President crippled by a gang of whoremongering Republican thugs in Congress lead by a weaselly shit with a funny name, as well as a Pearl Jam reunion and Seinfeld reruns.

    1. SwarmOfBees

      Holy shit! I could really go for some Pearl Jam tunes and episodes of Seinfeld instead of all this mid-term horse shit. All that other stuff you mentioned? God awful.

      I'm gonna be in my basement enjoying my 90s nostalgia till this whole thing blows over.

        1. Kitty_Sanchez

          Right! And then there was the 25th anniversary of Woodstock. I have nostalgia for that nostalgia!

          So, watching Dazed and Confused and American Graffiti back to back — would that be too meta?

          1. JMPEsq

            I now want to see that Weezer Buddy Holly video with clips from Happy Days again; feeling nostalgia for 90s nostalgia for 70s nostalgia for 50s nostalgia.

      1. BarryOPotter

        Just tell him you're making great strides in your Regression therapy, you need him to be supportive Thurs-Sat, and really quite on Sun.

      1. Kitty_Sanchez

        Bootsy!! Thank God we don't need nostalgia to groove to Bootsy, George Clinton, or Parliament-Funkadelic, 'cause those motherfuckers never go out of style!

      1. JMPEsq

        OK, I'll get to just after checking my email after I log in through the telnet window. Maybe I'll mention it on my geocities page too.

        Ooh, looking over at Mosaic here's an FTP site that actually has some video available; only takes about fifteen minutes for full ten-second clip!

  7. freakishlywrong

    I know I've asked this before, but who the fuck are they polling in these things? That's the most assbackackfucked data I've ever seen.

  8. V572625694

    I'm mad! My 401(k) got hammered, and I'm under water on my mortgage and my SUV! Someone has to pay for my anger! Can't vote against Gold Man-Sacks, so my congressman, whoever he the fuck he is, must go!

    Plus, MSM say incumbents must go. I don't want to vote for someone who doesn't win, because that would make me a loser.

    1. fatoots

      Seriously. It's been propaganda for weeks now: GOP sure to recapture the House and Senate! Don't bother voting! kthxbai!

      Along similar head fucking thngs, comments on a Times blog post, "Is Obama too Timid"? are 90% "YES! He didn't deliver on health care DADT, etc" and 10%- "No, Dems are losing because 70% of Americans reject his socialist, Marxists agenda".
      ::headdesk::

    2. OneDollarJuana

      Actually, you CAN vote against Goldman's ballSacks. Move your money out of for-profit banks into credit unions. We are doing that right now, going from Bank of (death to) America to a Washington (state) CU.

      1. V572625694

        Right you are, although my pitiful pile wouldn't account for more than a few nanoseconds of high-speed trading.

  9. Pragmatist2

    It's just like when I was in high school and I was totally in to Sally Butterfield but she wouldn't sleep with me so I asked Maryanne Beasley to the prom instead.
    Come to think of it, I got screwed back then too.

  10. Eve8Apples

    This poll proves that only MORANS are responding to polls. Most of the sane people I know have caller ID. When it is election season and some unknown number appears on their phone, sane people know it is some pollster and don't bother answering the call. Your average MORAN either doesn't have caller ID or doesn't have the sense to ignore the call.

    1. justkillmenow

      I love answering those polls. I'm a lone lib among scary ass conservotards, so it's really fun to freak them out with my answers.

      1. Kitty_Sanchez

        Seriously? You've gotten a polling call from someone you knew was a conservative?? That sound like it could be fun. How did you freak them out?

        1. justkillmenow

          I simply told them I was voting for the demoncrat. That was enough. Even my gun-toting-republican-posterchild-of-a-husband is voting for the dem. Fucking awesome.

          1. Kitty_Sanchez

            Do you….do you… ( *looks around* ) …live in Texas? That's where I am. Your avatar and moniker are kinda speakin' to me.

          2. HistoriCat

            There seem to be a few current or former Texas residents around here. Let me just state for the record that I am not – nor have I ever been – George W. Bush.

  11. imissopus

    Yet nearly 60 percent of Americans were optimistic about Mr. Obama’s next two years in office

    Optimistic about what, exactly? That he'll be able to work with an even more polarized legislature filled with people who would argue with him if he said the sky is blue?

  12. widestanceroman

    The people voting against their own interests and general regard for the GOP are following the media's unflinching mantra of party-in losing in midterms (and are daft to begin with). I was sick of hearing this line by Obama's inauguration, but the media had already chosen its fapping material and have fapped the crap out of it.

    1. OCKerouac

      It's funny to me how the media is always talking about the party in power losing, Death to incumbants, etc. It happens every election cycle, but when the dust settles we still have folks who've been serving in the house/senate for 30+ years…

      I wonder if maybe the media is trying to make up stories where there are none…

  13. magic_titty

    If only Obama had let his Muslim cronies 9/11 us last September, the country would have rallied around him (for Jesus), and the midterms would be a breeze. Right?

  14. PublicLuxury

    Merkins wanted Barbara Eden, and they got President Obama (sounds Baghdadish) and a stylish First Lady. They wanted the pink harem pants (no navel showing we are a center right nation), blink and my problems go away, and someone to fuck on those cold nights.

    Jesus Christ, I am disappointed.

    1. x111e7thst

      I'm a libtard. Do I get two to fuck on those cold nights? Or one to fuck me while I fuck the other?

  15. Extemporanus

    Sincere question:

    Do you guys think that if I started right this very minute, I'd have enough time to kill every single last fucking person in this goddamn fucking foreclosed, feces-smeared, insane asylum of a country before the polls open next Tuesday?

      1. Extemporanus

        Upon further reflection, I have decided to spare my fellow Wonkette Cunt Brigade conscripts…for now.

        MUAHAHAHA!

    1. Kitty_Sanchez

      Nope. You'll just have to be patient and wait for us all to die in some other horrible way, probably after President Palin is elected.

      1. Extemporanus

        I find the image of ol' Saint Nick and his team of reindeer assassins just cold flyin' around the world sleighin' fools highly amusing

        "'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
        Not a creature was stirring, 'cause Santa had killed them all…"

    2. imissopus

      Only if you have access to unsecured Air Force nukes.

      Is it too early to make the "I for one do not welcome our new Republican overlords" joke?

    3. elviouslyqueer

      I say go for it. Though you might need to borrow Joe Manchin's fancy-schmanzy laser rifle, just for added insurance.

    4. HistoriCat

      You're going to go by income, right? Largest to smallest? OK – go right ahead … good luck, hope you don't get caught too soon.

  16. Kitty_Sanchez

    Crap. I tried understanding that polling data but I couldn't think hard enough I guess. Plus I kept being distracted by feeling like I wanted to turn off all the lights and get in bed and pull the covers over my head.

    I wish all those poli-sci majors I saw over on Ken's "useless degrees" thread would get over here and explain to us how to understand this motherfucking thing.

    1. HistoriCat

      Those poli-sci majors have been spending too much time listening to the supply-side and/or libertarian economists, so they won't be explaining any of this for free. In other words, a poli-sci analysis is a fucking valuable thing.

  17. CapeClod

    Because less affluent Americans naturally prefer the party that favors rich people. I've never been able to get my head around that one.

      1. glindsey1979

        "The average Ferengi worker doesn't WANT to stop the exploitation! He wants to BECOME the exploiter!" — Rom on Deep Space Nine, yes I'm a Trek nerd, but damn does it fit today's America perfectly.

  18. neiltheblaze

    Maybe poll respondents are just tired of responding to polls and have decided to goof on the pollsters for fun. Maybe they're perverse. Maybe they're retarded. Maybe all of these things.

  19. PhilippePetain

    Well, I mean, seriously Republicans claim to hate the gays, but you don't see them holding back on the assfucking… can it be much different politically for the majority of the Cheeto-fed midwesterners of Our Great Republic?

  20. chickensmack

    So even though the statistics suggest that we're right in line with where we're supposed to be, Sanjaya still got knocked out of contention.

    Look… personally, I can't wait until three or four loudmouthed Tea Party candidates win their vaunted House seats, and then find themselves in desperate need of the compromise that has worked for 220 years.

    1. gvvt

      And the TeaPy has just gone on record that their are going to hold their candidates to the strict standards of insanity that got them elected. It's almost enough to make me hope they win LOTS of elections. The bloodbath should be hilarious.

    2. GOPCrusher

      Are you kidding? It will be more fun to see them getting Scott Browned by their Tea Bagging constiuents, after its explained to them that in order to survive they will be expected to keep their mouths shut and to tow the Party line.
      Their Facebook pages will light up with the tortured screams of "TRAITOR!" "WE'VE BEEN BETRAYED!" and the rest of us can stand back and watch the feeding frenzy.

  21. BarackMyWorld

    Maybe some people (i.e. just enough to throw the results) aren't voting for who they like, but voting for who they think will "balance the scales" and create a moderate government.

    That's possibly a side effect of the constant harping that Obama is some kind of radical Marxist, even though when look at on a case-by-case basis, his individual positions on issues are within the majority of popular opinion and he would've been consider right-down-the-middle a decade ago.

    In other words, most "swing voters" who decide elections are just a bunch of gullible fucks who buy into whatever media narrative is being thrown at them without displaying any critical thinking skills as to whether or not that narrative is true or not.

  22. kenlayisalive

    "Americans Going To Vote For GOP Even Though They Prefer Democrats"

    Yes, but this is only because the electronic voting machines are all rigged.

    1. Kidneys4Sale

      The two question marks are apropos in my case as I intend on taking a dual pronged approach of buying stock in RentBoy.com and starting up a suicide scene-clean service.

  23. hagajim

    Welcome to America…land of the instant gratification idiots…we have become a Green Day song….FUCK!

  24. TheMightyHaltor

    A few weeks back I saw a pickup truck (surprise!) with two bumperstickers: one that said something to the effect of "vote 'em all out!", the other supported incumbent Ohio Republican Representative Steve LaTourette. Which tells me two things about this whole Tea Party thing: 1) it makes zero sense and 2) is entirely bought and paid for by the GOP. Or is that just one thing?

    1. Jukesgrrl

      I was driving today behind a Prius that had teabagger bumper stickers. Cares enough about the environment to pay for a Prius, but still dumb enough to be taken in by these clowns? And how do they think Teatard Nation will address the issue of climate change?

  25. Bluestatelibel

    America just has low self-esteem like a girl who would rather date the near-do-well guy who treats her like crap rather than the nice guy who treats her like a queen. Or else they're really stupid, or both.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      I said to my mother just today — America is like a wife who dumps her abusive husband. But if the first guy she dates after the divorce doesn't make her life perfect, she goes back to the bum.

  26. Toomush_Infer

    I think it's just nostalgia for fear itself….we'd like to bring back the heady day of 911….all our fears has become halfhearted recently, and the soap opera just aint the same….

  27. SaintRond

    Two reasons I'm gonna vote for the GOP – Th, th, that fuckin' dog lives better than I do. Th, th, th, this mixed race guy once f, f, fired my d, d, dad.

    Peace… God bless,
    Just an average Stuttering Prick (I am you)

  28. Kitty_Sanchez

    What's the helmet for, Dingus? You gonna be in the vicinity of a Rand Paul rally this evening?

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