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Haha, this is actually from our 'March on Ron Paul's March' Rally.Such mystery surrounding the Jon Stewart/Stephen Colbert comedy rally in Washington this Saturday! One mysterious thing is that people who work for news outlets in DC “can’t go” because it is going to be funny, but perhaps not funny in the way that angry old racist people playing bumper cars with their obesity scooters are funny. ALSO, the Youth! It will be “funny” when America’s old people and Washington’s press corps both learn that the viewers of these Comedy Central current events programs are, in fact, mostly in their early 40s. This is information publicly available through such youth outlets as the Wall Street Journal and the Nielsen audience-measuring conglomerate. But what about the secret liberal-comedy schedule? We have it!

Do you remember the Obama rally in Denver, at the stadium, where he accepted the nomination? We remember, because we were there. We remember wandering through the crowds for hours, and Jim Newell getting arrested by the Secret Service because he left his laptop (a bomb) in his chair when he went searching for an anus burger or kettle korn, and mostly we remember seeking an empty spot in the press level but instead wandering Dante’s endless levels of Hades, while Sheryl Crow bleated her lite rock for what seemed like an eternity, in Hell.

According to a National Park Service permit granted to Comedy Central for this event, it’s going to be almost exactly the same, but with the addition of teevee’s “Father Guido Sarducci,” who was a late-night television sensation with “the hippies” back in the 1970s.

Here are the groovy details, via the Christian Science Monitor:

# 10:00 a.m.: The pre-pre-show begins with videos and music on the jumbotron to keep the gathering crowd friendly and entertained.
# Noon: The pre-show starts with a performance from The Roots.
# 12:40: A comedian (to be determined) warms up the audience.
# 12:57: A video countdown with a show introduction.
# 1:00: The show kicks off with the national anthem by a musical guest (to be announced).
# 1:05: Mr. Stewart welcomes the crowd – whose projected size is ballooning daily. Currently, there are 200,000 sign-ups on the official Facebook page alone.
# 1:20: Mr. Colbert enters, and two actors – Don Novello and Sam Waterston – perform readings.
# 1:40: Jeff Tweedy and Mavis Staple perform for 10 minutes, followed by Stewart and Colbert until 2 p.m.
# 2:15: Sheryl Crow performs for five minutes, followed by speakers and guests (to be determined).
# 2:30: Musical guests (also still being lined up) come on.
# 2:40: The show turns to a pre-taped sequence – The Sanity and Fear Awards.

Oh yeah, pre-tape! Anyway, if you’re going, make sure to keep an eye on your watch during the “five minutes” of Sheryl Crow, because otherwise it’s going to seem like seventeen hours of waiting for your wife to try stuff on at “The Limited.” [Christian Science Monitor]

  • JMPEsq

    According to the Washington press corps and the Republicans, people in their late 30s and early 40s are the youths.

    • DCHatesMe

      Technically, if a person spends their life watching Comedy Central, they qualify as youths.

    • CZL

      Did you say "utes," Counselor?

      • Sparky_McGruff

        Yeah, you blend.

    • bagofmice

      Busting out the young guns. Awesome.

    • Gopherit

      Just call them pre-hoveround americans.

    • nachoproblem

      Oh good, then I still have my youth.

      At least until CPS shows up and makes me let him out of the basement.

    • marionetta

      Pollsters are going after the 50 and above demographic.

      Those damn kids never vote, anyways.

  • HurricaneAli

    I just want to know why the Christian Science Monitor has this information before Wonkette — SCOOPED!!1!!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      They made up for it by misspelling 'Mavis Staples.'

    • Mindblank

      God leaked it to them directly.

  • GuyClinch

    Don Novello (aka Father Guido Sarducci, aka Lazlo Toth)? Glad he got a gig!

    • bureaucrap

      I didn't even know he was still alive. But glad he is. Loved "Lazlo Letters"!!!!

  • MrsBiggTime

    What, no benediction? No Franklin Graham-led prayers? No Old Testament readings? Jesus Christ on a stick, these people are heathens. My Allah have mercy on their souls, or as the French say in France, merci.

    • finallyhappy

      I will be there early and I will chant the ancient words of the Pastafarians

  • Badonkadonkette

    You know who else had schedules, with things running on time?

    • V572625694

      Mussolini — see, fascism works! If we had it, AMTRAK would be awesome!

    • natoslug

      Thomas the Train?

      • Ruhe

        Sir Topham Hat for President!

  • PsycWench

    If you can be a Republican "Young Gun" in your forties, Youth covers a wide spectrum.

    • freakishlywrong

      "Young Guns" also cover the patented wide stance.™

    • kenlayisalive

      Also, if you dress up like an SS officer and play "Let's Burn a Russian Village" on the weekends and can still pretend to just be "really into history", then not being a total freakin' nazi also covers a wide spectrum.

    • marionetta

      40 is the new 12.

  • V572625694

    If you saw Ms Crow's hi-def performance on HDT, you wouldn't be so hard on her, Ken. She seems like a nice young lady, and is probably over that druggie Lance Armstrong by now.

    • Progressiveinga

      Botox is magic. I liked her better when she could actually show emotion. And was doing Slow Hand…..

    • hagajim

      That would be the one-balled druggie

  • Troubledog
  • V572625694

    That remains to be seen.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I hope Father Guido does an updated version of Find the Popes in the Pizza.

  • Doglessliberal

    I have not been in a Limited since 8th grade. Which was a very long time ago. (cough1983cough)

    • Ken Layne

      I'm sorry, I meant "Ann Taylor" or something. Whatever it is, Sheryl Crow is playing. (It was nice that year when Norah Jones was playing, at the ladies' work clothes store.)

      • Doglessliberal

        Hah! Yes, ladies' work store=Ann Taylor.

        • V572625694

          For my ex, it was Talbott's Petite, but that was long ago. Talbott's will probably never recover from John Stewart describing Harriet Myers as a "frequent Talbott's shopper."

          • Doglessliberal

            So funny–I just read in one of my [brainfluff crack] magazines that Talbot's has overhauled itself to be "younger", and the pics of the new styles were, gasp, really nice and not frumpy-limp-bow-at-the-neck stuff. That being said, they might utterly fail, not getting new customers and alienating the old. They had a brand, why toss it?

  • SayItWithWookies

    Yes, but will the event be sanctioned by The LORD in the form of the oh-so-rare flock of geese, as Glenn Beck's rally was? Also, will there be a plane dropping magic mushrooms and condoms on the crowd? They've still got a few days to turn this from a Sam Waterston reading (what the f***?!) into a real party.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      But they got the time machine working, it's going to be the old, cool Sam from his Rancho Deluxe period.

      • not that Dewey

        Especially if Harry Dean Stanton does a walk-on and delivers the "pickup trucks" monologue.

    • Mumbletypeg

      Reading that, I'll say: goose droppings, more likely. Carry an umbrella.

    • Urban_Achiever

      Ahem, those are "Freedom Geese" to you

    • finallyhappy

      There are 4 hawks that live near the National Gallery- if we are lucky, one of them will catch a squirrel and fly over the crowd with it.

  • bureaucrap

    If we're lucky, it will be Lewis Black. He would be super-appropriate for the occasion.

    • marionetta

      Please let it be LB.

      Let him say fuck a lot too.


  • Doglessliberal

    Oh, and we plan to attend both the Wonkstravaganza tomorrow and this Sanityfest Saturday. It is your patriotic duty to do so, people, so show up (at both. The Sanityfest might be better with a hangover).

    • Zvi_Bleindmeis

      Ohhh, I though it was the rally to restore Hannity!

      • kenlayisalive

        Resorte him? Was he recently deposed by Colmes or something?

    • bureaucrap

      Wonkstravaganza? Is there a get together? When? Where? How did I miss the invite?

      • Crank_Tango

        No kidding, there was no flaming bag of shit on my doorstep this morning either.

      • Ken Layne

        In the "Devil's Kitchen" at the "Big Hunt" just off Dupont Circle, Friday, starting at 6-ish, ending whenever. Costume Contest. Games, such as "Pin the tab on Jim Newell."

      • Doglessliberal

        Ken posted link above. You had better show up.

        • Whatever

          I defer to our kitty overlord(S) and will attend…
          …will attend…
          …will attend

          sure, we can make it.

          • Doglessliberal

            Oh good. The more the merrier.

    • BeWoot

      Rarely am I jealous of you East Coast Liberal types–or even of honest Western Progressives with the wherewithal to buy airplane tickets … but I am green with envy (that's right: it's envy not the botulism; that's gone now. thanks). Idosowanna be there among the turgid blooms of America's youth.

      Fuck you, kids. You go on and have a good time.

  • HempDogbane

    10 minutes of Tweedy Staples is not enough.

    • Monsieur_Grumpe


      • Ken Layne

        Oh I bet it will be plenty. (Betcha $10 they do "I Shall Be Released.")

        • Doglessliberal

          $10 on "Will the Circle Be Unbroken." (or, as an homage, "This Land Is Your Land")

        • Monsieur_Grumpe

          Your on. $10 for me if they do You Are Not Alone.

  • magic_titty

    Seriously what is with the fucking Sheryl Crow, and the libtards? Does she remind people of that nightmarish-ly groovy chick they almost banged in high school? I just don't get it.

    • Not_So_Much

      Har! Libtards actually scoring with a live woman in high school — that's hilarious!

      • Mindblank

        According to genetics, we scored with several. Simultaneously, even.

    • Ken Layne

      She reminds them of mom. Semi-sexy 40-year-old mom in the 1970s.

      • Doglessliberal

        I always think "she was a backup singer for Michael Jackson". And then I go off on the whole "I wonder how many amazing singers languish out there in backup land and never get their shot." And then I think about all the actors who are a billion times better than, say, Shia LeBoeuf, but never get anywhere. Etc.

        But I digress.

    • Lazy Media

      Sheryl Crow used to BE a high school teacher, so she's everybody's fantasy of what it would have been like to score with the young, hot English teacher.

  • GuyClinch

    Hey, maybe Sara Benincasa will still be in town at 12:40 on Saturday

    • Pop_Socket

      I bet she is calling her agent right now.

  • chicken_thief

    What time will the miracle geese appear?

    • Mindblank


      • marionetta

        Shit hawks.

  • MistaEko

    We will call out meth-headed old white grandpas, and we will call out weed-headed brooklyn hipsters.

    What. The. Frak. TV clips, black musicians white people claim to like, hipster rock, Law and Order reruns, half the card subject to change, a hail mary that Cougartown gets off the stage after five minutes, and more TV clips in the event of emergency.

    To modify the quotations of the late Will Rodgers, "I'm not part of any organized rally. No sir, I'm a Democrat."

  • Zvi_Bleindmeis

    Nominees for National Anthem crooner:

    Paul Rubens
    That "TV on the Radio" guy
    David Byrne
    Dr. John
    Al Green

    • elviouslyqueer

      Better: Moon Unit Zappa. Or Christina Aguilera (provided she sing it en Espanol).

      • Doglessliberal

        Xina would be interesting because she apparently is getting divorced because she likes to bring the wimmens home for bedroom fun and her husband doesn't like that. (!!!!!!). So they'd get points for the Ghey(ish) aspect, too.

    • weejee

      How about Jack White singing it while playing high distortion slide guitar?

    • Zvi_Bleindmeis

      Truth be told, I'd REALLY like to have it be Captain Beefheart.

      • V572625694

        Me too, but Leonard Cohen singing "Democracy" would be good.

        • Ken Layne

          Then it would get all … awesome.

          • V572625694

            I’m sentimental if you know what I mean
            I love the country but I can’t stand the scene
            I’m neither left nor right, but I’m staying home tonight
            Getting lost in that hopeless little screen
            But I’m stubborn as those garbage bags that time cannot decay
            I’m junk but I’m still holding up this little wild bouquet:
            Democracy is coming
            To the U.S.A.

            —-sorry, couldn't help myself.

      • finallyhappy

        I haven't heard Captain Beefheart invoked since I was in college in the early 70's!

    • LakeLucilleLoon

      Alvin Greene sings too, who knew.

  • donner_froh

    Looks like the Monitor missed at least one item: Readings from the Holy Qur'an, call for immediate jihad and pledge to destroy infidels.

    Should fit in right after Stewart welcomes the crowd–won't run more than a couple of hours.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I wonder how many Zombie Reagans will be attending?
    Awwww I wish I could go. *Kicks the wall half heartily and pouts*

    • freakishlywrong

      Awwww..I wish you could as well Monsieur. Mustn't pout. Or kick. Stomp something (one), that's how they do in krazeetown.

  • slappypaddy

    he has a great deal of determination.

  • Serolf_Divad

    Is there a Wonkette meetup? I'm boycotting Facebook because I "want my life back," as they say.

    • Ken Layne
      • Serolf_Divad

        Thanks for the invite, Ken! Alas the wife has Friday nights reserved for her churchy stuff (cockolding me, probably) and I have to stay home and watch the little ones.

        • HistoriCat

          Bring them along; it will be educational.

          Sadly, I am 1500 miles away and will not be able to attend.

          • Serolf_Divad

            It's a nightmare chasing my 3 year old around the supermarket when I take the girls shopping. I can't even imagine what it would be like to go bar hopping with them.


            While I have no children of my own, the ones I sometimes babysit enjoy going out to bars with me and knocking back a few. I'm in France, after all, and you know we're all existentialists here who like to drown in our nothingness. That said, I'll be watching the Internets very carefully for live blogging of this event. I think Maureen Dowd is on the case, largely because she wants to do Colbert.

          • Serolf_Divad

            LOL, my wife's worried that the baby sitter is letting the kids watch too much TV, and you're taking the ones you watch bar hopping!

            Different cultre.

            Sure do miss the time I spent in France, though. One day I'll go back to Annecy and joyfully forget the outside world exists for a while.

  • Beetagger

    It sounded exciting in the abstract. Now, meh. I'll just watch it on CSPAN with the nice colored man.

  • slappypaddy

    fuck, let the young whippersnappers play, just so long as they fuckin' remember to fuckin' vote.

    do you hear me, whippersnappers? i'm fuckin' talkin' to YOU.

  • JustPixelz

    And I'm over 40 — are you saying I'm not a Youth? Well are you, punk?

    • Ken Layne


    • Doglessliberal

      I am 39 and hope I am not a youth. I don't want to be. They are callow.

  • Winnie_Cooper

    Wait, Jack McCoy is going to be there? Performing a reading?

    This changes all of my weekend plans. I have to get to DC!

  • JoeMamased

    You can't handle the … oh forget it.

  • lumpenprole

    So I'm really young again. Nice. Wasn't expecting that.
    Is this the reason that people are supposed to become Republicans when they get old?

  • neiltheblaze

    In Republican land, you're only young once – just for a really loooong time. And, happily, you can be infantile indefinitely.

  • rocktonsam

    what no Dave Attell?

    • Ken Layne

      He's probably working Baltimore that night.

  • JackDempsey1

    A line-up like this is likely to incite rabble-rousing.
    Who's in charge of crowd stomping?


    Psst…Glen Beck reads Wonkette, you betcha.

    • chicken_thief

      You'd think, that he is going blind and dying or whatever, he'd spend his time with family and working on the Bucket List.

    • chicken_thief

      You'd think that since he is going blind and dying or whatever, he'd spend his time with family and working on the Bucket List.

  • prommie

    Im'a be there, yay! Yippee! I am still an old, though. I have never ever been to a rally, protest, march, or anything of such nature, ever, it took Jon Stewart to get me out. Though I did go to a lecture given by Abbie Hoffman once, that was cool.

    What was that Doobie Brothers song. "Yammo be there?"

  • north_of_moscow

    Crossing my fingers for Neal Hamburger.

    • thecryingeagle

      I want Victoria Jackson or Dennis Miller!

      • LionelHutzEsq

        They said a "comedian."

  • PhilippePetain

    The show kicks off with the national anthem by musical guest, Klaus Nomi.

  • Whatever

    WHAT!!!! 1300 (1PM losers) for the anthem (what?)? But DCValleyGirl told me it started at 1200 (Noon) and she/he is NEVER wrong about ANYTHING.

    Glad I planned to leave about 9 to be there early for picture taking…
    Now I know I have a 4 hour and 5 minute wait for the main attraction.
    If you see me try not to throw things that are too hard.

  • Whatever

    Me too, there for a sec I thought I needed an obesity scooter.
    Wow, close one.

  • fuflans

    i don't know. '200,000' is a lot of northface jackets, organic microbrews and copies of 'dress your family in corduroy and denim'.

    could get old pretty fast.

  • PublicLuxury

    Young is defined by the republithugs as anyone wearing a diaper. Which spans from baby-ness to bed wetter stage to the Poise leaker stage to the Depends stage. The Depends stage is their voting bloc. This is proven by David Vitter and all the "Ooops I shit my pants" ads that are targeted toward the GOP's base. There is really only a small window when the republiscum are considered mature and sensible.

    • Hello !

      That window is so small that none of them can get through it.

  • sezme

    Wait, you tricked me into clicking a Wonkabout link? Clever, Layne, clever.

  • thecryingeagle

    Should we come up with some kind of wonketteer symbol for our signs so the stompers can recognize and subdue us?

  • finallyhappy

    yeah but he is from Silver Spring and maybe he stilll has family here.

    • CrankyLttlCamperette

      Last I heard he still has his mom & dad and yes, they are still in the area.

  • mrblifil

    I look forward to much nudity in the mud.

    • BarryOPotter

      Hirsute hippy chicks freestyle-gyrating in harmony with Gaia leads to one thing: SCORE!

  • BeWoot

    Rarely am I jealous of you East Coast Liberal types–or even of honest Western Progressives with the wherewithal to buy airplane tickets … but I am green with envy (that's right: it's envy not the botulism; that's all gone now. thanks).

    Idosowanna be there among the turgid blooms of America's youth. Fuck you, kids. You go on and have a good time.

  • Dookas

    This is sounding pretty weak I'd be pissed if I bought a flight from CA for this, at least I only have to walk 3 blocks…

    Don Novello…c'mon, at least Glenn Beck gets Victoria Jackson

    • mrblifil

      Seriously, what's next, a short film by Albert Brooks?

  • ppshopping


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  • BarryOPotter

    …at least Glenn Beck gets Victoria Jackson
    Then he's the only one.

    I can't get past the high-pitched, batshit crazy emanating from that ilinformed husk to even try to decipher its grunts and clicks. But hey, who am I to judge? Oh that's right, as an educated, East Coast liberal, I'm well within my rights it's my duty. I withdraw the question.

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