at least glenn beck won't be there

Government Reveals Comedy Central’s Secret, Boring Rally Plans

Haha, this is actually from our 'March on Ron Paul's March' Rally.Such mystery surrounding the Jon Stewart/Stephen Colbert comedy rally in Washington this Saturday! One mysterious thing is that people who work for news outlets in DC “can’t go” because it is going to be funny, but perhaps not funny in the way that angry old racist people playing bumper cars with their obesity scooters are funny. ALSO, the Youth! It will be “funny” when America’s old people and Washington’s press corps both learn that the viewers of these Comedy Central current events programs are, in fact, mostly in their early 40s. This is information publicly available through such youth outlets as the Wall Street Journal and the Nielsen audience-measuring conglomerate. But what about the secret liberal-comedy schedule? We have it!

Do you remember the Obama rally in Denver, at the stadium, where he accepted the nomination? We remember, because we were there. We remember wandering through the crowds for hours, and Jim Newell getting arrested by the Secret Service because he left his laptop (a bomb) in his chair when he went searching for an anus burger or kettle korn, and mostly we remember seeking an empty spot in the press level but instead wandering Dante’s endless levels of Hades, while Sheryl Crow bleated her lite rock for what seemed like an eternity, in Hell.

According to a National Park Service permit granted to Comedy Central for this event, it’s going to be almost exactly the same, but with the addition of teevee’s “Father Guido Sarducci,” who was a late-night television sensation with “the hippies” back in the 1970s.

Here are the groovy details, via the Christian Science Monitor:

# 10:00 a.m.: The pre-pre-show begins with videos and music on the jumbotron to keep the gathering crowd friendly and entertained.
# Noon: The pre-show starts with a performance from The Roots.
# 12:40: A comedian (to be determined) warms up the audience.
# 12:57: A video countdown with a show introduction.
# 1:00: The show kicks off with the national anthem by a musical guest (to be announced).
# 1:05: Mr. Stewart welcomes the crowd – whose projected size is ballooning daily. Currently, there are 200,000 sign-ups on the official Facebook page alone.
# 1:20: Mr. Colbert enters, and two actors – Don Novello and Sam Waterston – perform readings.
# 1:40: Jeff Tweedy and Mavis Staple perform for 10 minutes, followed by Stewart and Colbert until 2 p.m.
# 2:15: Sheryl Crow performs for five minutes, followed by speakers and guests (to be determined).
# 2:30: Musical guests (also still being lined up) come on.
# 2:40: The show turns to a pre-taped sequence – The Sanity and Fear Awards.

Oh yeah, pre-tape! Anyway, if you’re going, make sure to keep an eye on your watch during the “five minutes” of Sheryl Crow, because otherwise it’s going to seem like seventeen hours of waiting for your wife to try stuff on at “The Limited.” [Christian Science Monitor]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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  1. JMPEsq

    According to the Washington press corps and the Republicans, people in their late 30s and early 40s are the youths.

    1. nachoproblem

      Oh good, then I still have my youth.

      At least until CPS shows up and makes me let him out of the basement.

  2. HurricaneAli

    I just want to know why the Christian Science Monitor has this information before Wonkette — SCOOPED!!1!!

  3. MrsBiggTime

    What, no benediction? No Franklin Graham-led prayers? No Old Testament readings? Jesus Christ on a stick, these people are heathens. My Allah have mercy on their souls, or as the French say in France, merci.

    1. kenlayisalive

      Also, if you dress up like an SS officer and play "Let's Burn a Russian Village" on the weekends and can still pretend to just be "really into history", then not being a total freakin' nazi also covers a wide spectrum.

  4. V572625694

    If you saw Ms Crow's hi-def performance on HDT, you wouldn't be so hard on her, Ken. She seems like a nice young lady, and is probably over that druggie Lance Armstrong by now.

    1. Progressiveinga

      Botox is magic. I liked her better when she could actually show emotion. And was doing Slow Hand…..

  5. Troubledog

    I was there.
    I was the first guy playing Daft Punk to the rock kids.
    I played it at CBGB's.
    Everybody thought I was crazy.
    We all know.
    I was there.
    I was there.
    I've never been wrong.

    [edit: adding link]

    1. Ken Layne

      I'm sorry, I meant "Ann Taylor" or something. Whatever it is, Sheryl Crow is playing. (It was nice that year when Norah Jones was playing, at the ladies' work clothes store.)

        1. V572625694

          For my ex, it was Talbott's Petite, but that was long ago. Talbott's will probably never recover from John Stewart describing Harriet Myers as a "frequent Talbott's shopper."

          1. Doglessliberal

            So funny–I just read in one of my [brainfluff crack] magazines that Talbot's has overhauled itself to be "younger", and the pics of the new styles were, gasp, really nice and not frumpy-limp-bow-at-the-neck stuff. That being said, they might utterly fail, not getting new customers and alienating the old. They had a brand, why toss it?

  6. SayItWithWookies

    Yes, but will the event be sanctioned by The LORD in the form of the oh-so-rare flock of geese, as Glenn Beck's rally was? Also, will there be a plane dropping magic mushrooms and condoms on the crowd? They've still got a few days to turn this from a Sam Waterston reading (what the f***?!) into a real party.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      But they got the time machine working, it's going to be the old, cool Sam from his Rancho Deluxe period.

      1. not that Dewey

        Especially if Harry Dean Stanton does a walk-on and delivers the "pickup trucks" monologue.

    2. finallyhappy

      There are 4 hawks that live near the National Gallery- if we are lucky, one of them will catch a squirrel and fly over the crowd with it.

  7. Doglessliberal

    Oh, and we plan to attend both the Wonkstravaganza tomorrow and this Sanityfest Saturday. It is your patriotic duty to do so, people, so show up (at both. The Sanityfest might be better with a hangover).

        1. Whatever

          I defer to our kitty overlord(S) and will attend…
          …will attend…
          …will attend

          sure, we can make it.

    1. BeWoot

      Rarely am I jealous of you East Coast Liberal types–or even of honest Western Progressives with the wherewithal to buy airplane tickets … but I am green with envy (that's right: it's envy not the botulism; that's gone now. thanks). Idosowanna be there among the turgid blooms of America's youth.

      Fuck you, kids. You go on and have a good time.

  8. magic_titty

    Seriously what is with the fucking Sheryl Crow, and the libtards? Does she remind people of that nightmarish-ly groovy chick they almost banged in high school? I just don't get it.

      1. Doglessliberal

        I always think "she was a backup singer for Michael Jackson". And then I go off on the whole "I wonder how many amazing singers languish out there in backup land and never get their shot." And then I think about all the actors who are a billion times better than, say, Shia LeBoeuf, but never get anywhere. Etc.

        But I digress.

    1. Lazy Media

      Sheryl Crow used to BE a high school teacher, so she's everybody's fantasy of what it would have been like to score with the young, hot English teacher.

  9. MistaEko

    We will call out meth-headed old white grandpas, and we will call out weed-headed brooklyn hipsters.

    What. The. Frak. TV clips, black musicians white people claim to like, hipster rock, Law and Order reruns, half the card subject to change, a hail mary that Cougartown gets off the stage after five minutes, and more TV clips in the event of emergency.

    To modify the quotations of the late Will Rodgers, "I'm not part of any organized rally. No sir, I'm a Democrat."

      1. Doglessliberal

        Xina would be interesting because she apparently is getting divorced because she likes to bring the wimmens home for bedroom fun and her husband doesn't like that. (!!!!!!). So they'd get points for the Ghey(ish) aspect, too.

          1. V572625694

            I’m sentimental if you know what I mean
            I love the country but I can’t stand the scene
            I’m neither left nor right, but I’m staying home tonight
            Getting lost in that hopeless little screen
            But I’m stubborn as those garbage bags that time cannot decay
            I’m junk but I’m still holding up this little wild bouquet:
            Democracy is coming
            To the U.S.A.

            —-sorry, couldn't help myself.

  10. donner_froh

    Looks like the Monitor missed at least one item: Readings from the Holy Qur'an, call for immediate jihad and pledge to destroy infidels.

    Should fit in right after Stewart welcomes the crowd–won't run more than a couple of hours.

  11. Monsieur_Grumpe

    I wonder how many Zombie Reagans will be attending?
    Awwww I wish I could go. *Kicks the wall half heartily and pouts*

    1. freakishlywrong

      Awwww..I wish you could as well Monsieur. Mustn't pout. Or kick. Stomp something (one), that's how they do in krazeetown.

      1. Serolf_Divad

        Thanks for the invite, Ken! Alas the wife has Friday nights reserved for her churchy stuff (cockolding me, probably) and I have to stay home and watch the little ones.

        1. HistoriCat

          Bring them along; it will be educational.

          Sadly, I am 1500 miles away and will not be able to attend.

          1. Serolf_Divad

            It's a nightmare chasing my 3 year old around the supermarket when I take the girls shopping. I can't even imagine what it would be like to go bar hopping with them.


            While I have no children of my own, the ones I sometimes babysit enjoy going out to bars with me and knocking back a few. I'm in France, after all, and you know we're all existentialists here who like to drown in our nothingness. That said, I'll be watching the Internets very carefully for live blogging of this event. I think Maureen Dowd is on the case, largely because she wants to do Colbert.

          3. Serolf_Divad

            LOL, my wife's worried that the baby sitter is letting the kids watch too much TV, and you're taking the ones you watch bar hopping!

            Different cultre.

            Sure do miss the time I spent in France, though. One day I'll go back to Annecy and joyfully forget the outside world exists for a while.

  12. Beetagger

    It sounded exciting in the abstract. Now, meh. I'll just watch it on CSPAN with the nice colored man.

  13. slappypaddy

    fuck, let the young whippersnappers play, just so long as they fuckin' remember to fuckin' vote.

    do you hear me, whippersnappers? i'm fuckin' talkin' to YOU.

  14. Winnie_Cooper

    Wait, Jack McCoy is going to be there? Performing a reading?

    This changes all of my weekend plans. I have to get to DC!

  15. lumpenprole

    So I'm really young again. Nice. Wasn't expecting that.
    Is this the reason that people are supposed to become Republicans when they get old?

  16. neiltheblaze

    In Republican land, you're only young once – just for a really loooong time. And, happily, you can be infantile indefinitely.

    1. chicken_thief

      You'd think, that he is going blind and dying or whatever, he'd spend his time with family and working on the Bucket List.

    2. chicken_thief

      You'd think that since he is going blind and dying or whatever, he'd spend his time with family and working on the Bucket List.

  17. prommie

    Im'a be there, yay! Yippee! I am still an old, though. I have never ever been to a rally, protest, march, or anything of such nature, ever, it took Jon Stewart to get me out. Though I did go to a lecture given by Abbie Hoffman once, that was cool.

    What was that Doobie Brothers song. "Yammo be there?"

  18. Whatever

    WHAT!!!! 1300 (1PM losers) for the anthem (what?)? But DCValleyGirl told me it started at 1200 (Noon) and she/he is NEVER wrong about ANYTHING.

    Glad I planned to leave about 9 to be there early for picture taking…
    Now I know I have a 4 hour and 5 minute wait for the main attraction.
    If you see me try not to throw things that are too hard.

  19. fuflans

    i don't know. '200,000' is a lot of northface jackets, organic microbrews and copies of 'dress your family in corduroy and denim'.

    could get old pretty fast.

  20. PublicLuxury

    Young is defined by the republithugs as anyone wearing a diaper. Which spans from baby-ness to bed wetter stage to the Poise leaker stage to the Depends stage. The Depends stage is their voting bloc. This is proven by David Vitter and all the "Ooops I shit my pants" ads that are targeted toward the GOP's base. There is really only a small window when the republiscum are considered mature and sensible.

  21. BeWoot

    Rarely am I jealous of you East Coast Liberal types–or even of honest Western Progressives with the wherewithal to buy airplane tickets … but I am green with envy (that's right: it's envy not the botulism; that's all gone now. thanks).

    Idosowanna be there among the turgid blooms of America's youth. Fuck you, kids. You go on and have a good time.

  22. Dookas

    This is sounding pretty weak I'd be pissed if I bought a flight from CA for this, at least I only have to walk 3 blocks…

    Don Novello…c'mon, at least Glenn Beck gets Victoria Jackson

  23. BarryOPotter

    …at least Glenn Beck gets Victoria Jackson
    Then he's the only one.

    I can't get past the high-pitched, batshit crazy emanating from that ilinformed husk to even try to decipher its grunts and clicks. But hey, who am I to judge? Oh that's right, as an educated, East Coast liberal, I'm well within my rights it's my duty. I withdraw the question.

Comments are closed.