AT LEAST GLENN BECK WON'T BE THERE  12:19 pm October 28, 2010

Government Reveals Comedy Central’s Secret, Boring Rally Plans

by Ken Layne

Haha, this is actually from our 'March on Ron Paul's March' Rally.Such mystery surrounding the Jon Stewart/Stephen Colbert comedy rally in Washington this Saturday! One mysterious thing is that people who work for news outlets in DC “can’t go” because it is going to be funny, but perhaps not funny in the way that angry old racist people playing bumper cars with their obesity scooters are funny. ALSO, the Youth! It will be “funny” when America’s old people and Washington’s press corps both learn that the viewers of these Comedy Central current events programs are, in fact, mostly in their early 40s. This is information publicly available through such youth outlets as the Wall Street Journal and the Nielsen audience-measuring conglomerate. But what about the secret liberal-comedy schedule? We have it!

Do you remember the Obama rally in Denver, at the stadium, where he accepted the nomination? We remember, because we were there. We remember wandering through the crowds for hours, and Jim Newell getting arrested by the Secret Service because he left his laptop (a bomb) in his chair when he went searching for an anus burger or kettle korn, and mostly we remember seeking an empty spot in the press level but instead wandering Dante’s endless levels of Hades, while Sheryl Crow bleated her lite rock for what seemed like an eternity, in Hell.

According to a National Park Service permit granted to Comedy Central for this event, it’s going to be almost exactly the same, but with the addition of teevee’s “Father Guido Sarducci,” who was a late-night television sensation with “the hippies” back in the 1970s.

Here are the groovy details, via the Christian Science Monitor:

# 10:00 a.m.: The pre-pre-show begins with videos and music on the jumbotron to keep the gathering crowd friendly and entertained.
# Noon: The pre-show starts with a performance from The Roots.
# 12:40: A comedian (to be determined) warms up the audience.
# 12:57: A video countdown with a show introduction.
# 1:00: The show kicks off with the national anthem by a musical guest (to be announced).
# 1:05: Mr. Stewart welcomes the crowd – whose projected size is ballooning daily. Currently, there are 200,000 sign-ups on the official Facebook page alone.
# 1:20: Mr. Colbert enters, and two actors – Don Novello and Sam Waterston – perform readings.
# 1:40: Jeff Tweedy and Mavis Staple perform for 10 minutes, followed by Stewart and Colbert until 2 p.m.
# 2:15: Sheryl Crow performs for five minutes, followed by speakers and guests (to be determined).
# 2:30: Musical guests (also still being lined up) come on.
# 2:40: The show turns to a pre-taped sequence – The Sanity and Fear Awards.

Oh yeah, pre-tape! Anyway, if you’re going, make sure to keep an eye on your watch during the “five minutes” of Sheryl Crow, because otherwise it’s going to seem like seventeen hours of waiting for your wife to try stuff on at “The Limited.” [Christian Science Monitor]

 
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{ 126 comments }

JMPEsq October 28, 2010 at 12:25 pm

According to the Washington press corps and the Republicans, people in their late 30s and early 40s are the youths.

DCHatesMe October 28, 2010 at 12:36 pm

Technically, if a person spends their life watching Comedy Central, they qualify as youths.

CZL October 28, 2010 at 12:41 pm

Did you say "utes," Counselor?

Sparky_McGruff October 28, 2010 at 12:49 pm

Yeah, you blend.

bagofmice October 28, 2010 at 1:09 pm

Busting out the young guns. Awesome.

Gopherit October 28, 2010 at 1:18 pm

Just call them pre-hoveround americans.

nachoproblem October 28, 2010 at 1:52 pm

Oh good, then I still have my youth.

At least until CPS shows up and makes me let him out of the basement.

marionetta October 28, 2010 at 2:36 pm

Pollsters are going after the 50 and above demographic.

Those damn kids never vote, anyways.

HurricaneAli October 28, 2010 at 12:25 pm

I just want to know why the Christian Science Monitor has this information before Wonkette — SCOOPED!!1!!

Lascauxcaveman October 28, 2010 at 12:36 pm

They made up for it by misspelling 'Mavis Staples.'

Mindblank October 28, 2010 at 12:58 pm

God leaked it to them directly.

GuyClinch October 28, 2010 at 12:26 pm

Don Novello (aka Father Guido Sarducci, aka Lazlo Toth)? Glad he got a gig!

bureaucrap October 28, 2010 at 12:30 pm

I didn't even know he was still alive. But glad he is. Loved "Lazlo Letters"!!!!

MrsBiggTime October 28, 2010 at 12:26 pm

What, no benediction? No Franklin Graham-led prayers? No Old Testament readings? Jesus Christ on a stick, these people are heathens. My Allah have mercy on their souls, or as the French say in France, merci.

finallyhappy October 28, 2010 at 3:31 pm

I will be there early and I will chant the ancient words of the Pastafarians

Badonkadonkette October 28, 2010 at 12:26 pm

You know who else had schedules, with things running on time?

V572625694 October 28, 2010 at 12:29 pm

Mussolini — see, fascism works! If we had it, AMTRAK would be awesome!

natoslug October 28, 2010 at 12:40 pm

Thomas the Train?

Ruhe October 28, 2010 at 12:44 pm

Sir Topham Hat for President!

PsycWench October 28, 2010 at 12:27 pm

If you can be a Republican "Young Gun" in your forties, Youth covers a wide spectrum.

freakishlywrong October 28, 2010 at 12:37 pm

"Young Guns" also cover the patented wide stance.™

kenlayisalive October 28, 2010 at 12:54 pm

Also, if you dress up like an SS officer and play "Let's Burn a Russian Village" on the weekends and can still pretend to just be "really into history", then not being a total freakin' nazi also covers a wide spectrum.

marionetta October 28, 2010 at 2:37 pm

40 is the new 12.

V572625694 October 28, 2010 at 12:27 pm

If you saw Ms Crow's hi-def performance on HDT, you wouldn't be so hard on her, Ken. She seems like a nice young lady, and is probably over that druggie Lance Armstrong by now.

Progressiveinga October 28, 2010 at 1:02 pm

Botox is magic. I liked her better when she could actually show emotion. And was doing Slow Hand…..

hagajim October 28, 2010 at 1:16 pm

That would be the one-balled druggie

Troubledog October 28, 2010 at 12:28 pm

I was there.
I was the first guy playing Daft Punk to the rock kids.
I played it at CBGB's.
Everybody thought I was crazy.
We all know.
I was there.
I was there.
I've never been wrong.

[edit: adding link]

V572625694 October 28, 2010 at 12:29 pm

That remains to be seen.

BaldarTFlagass October 28, 2010 at 12:29 pm

I hope Father Guido does an updated version of Find the Popes in the Pizza.

Doglessliberal October 28, 2010 at 12:30 pm

I have not been in a Limited since 8th grade. Which was a very long time ago. (cough1983cough)

Ken Layne October 28, 2010 at 1:06 pm

I'm sorry, I meant "Ann Taylor" or something. Whatever it is, Sheryl Crow is playing. (It was nice that year when Norah Jones was playing, at the ladies' work clothes store.)

Doglessliberal October 28, 2010 at 1:11 pm

Hah! Yes, ladies' work store=Ann Taylor.

V572625694 October 28, 2010 at 1:20 pm

For my ex, it was Talbott's Petite, but that was long ago. Talbott's will probably never recover from John Stewart describing Harriet Myers as a "frequent Talbott's shopper."

Doglessliberal October 28, 2010 at 1:51 pm

So funny–I just read in one of my [brainfluff crack] magazines that Talbot's has overhauled itself to be "younger", and the pics of the new styles were, gasp, really nice and not frumpy-limp-bow-at-the-neck stuff. That being said, they might utterly fail, not getting new customers and alienating the old. They had a brand, why toss it?

SayItWithWookies October 28, 2010 at 12:30 pm

Yes, but will the event be sanctioned by The LORD in the form of the oh-so-rare flock of geese, as Glenn Beck's rally was? Also, will there be a plane dropping magic mushrooms and condoms on the crowd? They've still got a few days to turn this from a Sam Waterston reading (what the f***?!) into a real party.

BaldarTFlagass October 28, 2010 at 12:33 pm

But they got the time machine working, it's going to be the old, cool Sam from his Rancho Deluxe period.

not that Dewey October 28, 2010 at 1:12 pm

Especially if Harry Dean Stanton does a walk-on and delivers the "pickup trucks" monologue.

Mumbletypeg October 28, 2010 at 12:36 pm

Reading that, I'll say: goose droppings, more likely. Carry an umbrella.

Urban_Achiever October 28, 2010 at 1:04 pm

Ahem, those are "Freedom Geese" to you

finallyhappy October 28, 2010 at 3:33 pm

There are 4 hawks that live near the National Gallery- if we are lucky, one of them will catch a squirrel and fly over the crowd with it.

bureaucrap October 28, 2010 at 12:31 pm

If we're lucky, it will be Lewis Black. He would be super-appropriate for the occasion.

marionetta October 28, 2010 at 2:37 pm

Please let it be LB.

Let him say fuck a lot too.

please.

Doglessliberal October 28, 2010 at 12:31 pm

Oh, and we plan to attend both the Wonkstravaganza tomorrow and this Sanityfest Saturday. It is your patriotic duty to do so, people, so show up (at both. The Sanityfest might be better with a hangover).

Zvi_Bleindmeis October 28, 2010 at 12:41 pm

Ohhh, I though it was the rally to restore Hannity!

kenlayisalive October 28, 2010 at 12:55 pm

Resorte him? Was he recently deposed by Colmes or something?

bureaucrap October 28, 2010 at 12:42 pm

Wonkstravaganza? Is there a get together? When? Where? How did I miss the invite?

Crank_Tango October 28, 2010 at 12:53 pm

No kidding, there was no flaming bag of shit on my doorstep this morning either.

Ken Layne October 28, 2010 at 1:08 pm

http://wonkette.com/427837/come-to-wonkettes-frid

In the "Devil's Kitchen" at the "Big Hunt" just off Dupont Circle, Friday, starting at 6-ish, ending whenever. Costume Contest. Games, such as "Pin the tab on Jim Newell."

Doglessliberal October 28, 2010 at 1:11 pm

Ken posted link above. You had better show up.

Whatever October 28, 2010 at 2:25 pm

I defer to our kitty overlord(S) and will attend…
…will attend…
…will attend

*cough*
sure, we can make it.

Doglessliberal October 28, 2010 at 2:30 pm

Oh good. The more the merrier.

BeWoot October 28, 2010 at 8:13 pm

Rarely am I jealous of you East Coast Liberal types–or even of honest Western Progressives with the wherewithal to buy airplane tickets … but I am green with envy (that's right: it's envy not the botulism; that's gone now. thanks). Idosowanna be there among the turgid blooms of America's youth.

Fuck you, kids. You go on and have a good time.

HempDogbane October 28, 2010 at 12:32 pm

10 minutes of Tweedy Staples is not enough.

Monsieur_Grumpe October 28, 2010 at 12:40 pm

Agreed.

Ken Layne October 28, 2010 at 1:09 pm

Oh I bet it will be plenty. (Betcha $10 they do "I Shall Be Released.")

Doglessliberal October 28, 2010 at 1:52 pm

$10 on "Will the Circle Be Unbroken." (or, as an homage, "This Land Is Your Land")

Monsieur_Grumpe October 28, 2010 at 2:46 pm

Your on. $10 for me if they do You Are Not Alone.

magic_titty October 28, 2010 at 12:32 pm

Seriously what is with the fucking Sheryl Crow, and the libtards? Does she remind people of that nightmarish-ly groovy chick they almost banged in high school? I just don't get it.

Not_So_Much October 28, 2010 at 12:43 pm

Har! Libtards actually scoring with a live woman in high school — that's hilarious!

Mindblank October 28, 2010 at 1:01 pm

According to genetics, we scored with several. Simultaneously, even.

Ken Layne October 28, 2010 at 1:10 pm

She reminds them of mom. Semi-sexy 40-year-old mom in the 1970s.

Doglessliberal October 28, 2010 at 1:56 pm

I always think "she was a backup singer for Michael Jackson". And then I go off on the whole "I wonder how many amazing singers languish out there in backup land and never get their shot." And then I think about all the actors who are a billion times better than, say, Shia LeBoeuf, but never get anywhere. Etc.

But I digress.

Lazy Media October 28, 2010 at 1:13 pm

Sheryl Crow used to BE a high school teacher, so she's everybody's fantasy of what it would have been like to score with the young, hot English teacher.

GuyClinch October 28, 2010 at 12:33 pm

Hey, maybe Sara Benincasa will still be in town at 12:40 on Saturday

Pop_Socket October 28, 2010 at 1:27 pm

I bet she is calling her agent right now.

chicken_thief October 28, 2010 at 12:34 pm

What time will the miracle geese appear?

Mindblank October 28, 2010 at 2:07 pm

Pigeons.

marionetta October 28, 2010 at 2:39 pm

Shit hawks.

MistaEko October 28, 2010 at 12:35 pm

We will call out meth-headed old white grandpas, and we will call out weed-headed brooklyn hipsters.

What. The. Frak. TV clips, black musicians white people claim to like, hipster rock, Law and Order reruns, half the card subject to change, a hail mary that Cougartown gets off the stage after five minutes, and more TV clips in the event of emergency.

To modify the quotations of the late Will Rodgers, "I'm not part of any organized rally. No sir, I'm a Democrat."

Zvi_Bleindmeis October 28, 2010 at 12:38 pm

Nominees for National Anthem crooner:

Paul Rubens
That "TV on the Radio" guy
David Byrne
RuPaul
Dr. John
Al Green

elviouslyqueer October 28, 2010 at 12:55 pm

Better: Moon Unit Zappa. Or Christina Aguilera (provided she sing it en Espanol).

Doglessliberal October 28, 2010 at 1:59 pm

Xina would be interesting because she apparently is getting divorced because she likes to bring the wimmens home for bedroom fun and her husband doesn't like that. (!!!!!!). So they'd get points for the Ghey(ish) aspect, too.

weejee October 28, 2010 at 12:58 pm

How about Jack White singing it while playing high distortion slide guitar?

Zvi_Bleindmeis October 28, 2010 at 1:03 pm

Truth be told, I'd REALLY like to have it be Captain Beefheart.

V572625694 October 28, 2010 at 1:23 pm

Me too, but Leonard Cohen singing "Democracy" would be good.

Ken Layne October 28, 2010 at 1:24 pm

Then it would get all … awesome.

V572625694 October 28, 2010 at 1:30 pm

I’m sentimental if you know what I mean
I love the country but I can’t stand the scene
I’m neither left nor right, but I’m staying home tonight
Getting lost in that hopeless little screen
But I’m stubborn as those garbage bags that time cannot decay
I’m junk but I’m still holding up this little wild bouquet:
Democracy is coming
To the U.S.A.

—-sorry, couldn't help myself.

finallyhappy October 28, 2010 at 3:35 pm

I haven't heard Captain Beefheart invoked since I was in college in the early 70's!

LakeLucilleLoon October 28, 2010 at 1:23 pm

Alvin Greene sings too, who knew.

donner_froh October 28, 2010 at 12:40 pm

Looks like the Monitor missed at least one item: Readings from the Holy Qur'an, call for immediate jihad and pledge to destroy infidels.

Should fit in right after Stewart welcomes the crowd–won't run more than a couple of hours.

Monsieur_Grumpe October 28, 2010 at 12:44 pm

I wonder how many Zombie Reagans will be attending?
Awwww I wish I could go. *Kicks the wall half heartily and pouts*

freakishlywrong October 28, 2010 at 12:50 pm

Awwww..I wish you could as well Monsieur. Mustn't pout. Or kick. Stomp something (one), that's how they do in krazeetown.

slappypaddy October 28, 2010 at 12:44 pm

he has a great deal of determination.

Serolf_Divad October 28, 2010 at 12:45 pm

Is there a Wonkette meetup? I'm boycotting Facebook because I "want my life back," as they say.

Ken Layne October 28, 2010 at 1:11 pm
Serolf_Divad October 28, 2010 at 1:19 pm

Thanks for the invite, Ken! Alas the wife has Friday nights reserved for her churchy stuff (cockolding me, probably) and I have to stay home and watch the little ones.

HistoriCat October 28, 2010 at 1:33 pm

Bring them along; it will be educational.

Sadly, I am 1500 miles away and will not be able to attend.

Serolf_Divad October 28, 2010 at 1:42 pm

It's a nightmare chasing my 3 year old around the supermarket when I take the girls shopping. I can't even imagine what it would be like to go bar hopping with them.

Beetagger October 28, 2010 at 12:45 pm

It sounded exciting in the abstract. Now, meh. I'll just watch it on CSPAN with the nice colored man.

slappypaddy October 28, 2010 at 12:47 pm

fuck, let the young whippersnappers play, just so long as they fuckin' remember to fuckin' vote.

do you hear me, whippersnappers? i'm fuckin' talkin' to YOU.

JustPixelz October 28, 2010 at 12:52 pm

And I'm over 40 — are you saying I'm not a Youth? Well are you, punk?

Ken Layne October 28, 2010 at 1:10 pm

No.

Doglessliberal October 28, 2010 at 1:57 pm

I am 39 and hope I am not a youth. I don't want to be. They are callow.

Winnie_Cooper October 28, 2010 at 12:55 pm

Wait, Jack McCoy is going to be there? Performing a reading?

This changes all of my weekend plans. I have to get to DC!

JoeMamased October 28, 2010 at 1:05 pm

You can't handle the … oh forget it.

lumpenprole October 28, 2010 at 1:08 pm

So I'm really young again. Nice. Wasn't expecting that.
Is this the reason that people are supposed to become Republicans when they get old?

neiltheblaze October 28, 2010 at 1:09 pm

In Republican land, you're only young once – just for a really loooong time. And, happily, you can be infantile indefinitely.

rocktonsam October 28, 2010 at 1:27 pm

what no Dave Attell?

Ken Layne October 28, 2010 at 1:38 pm

He's probably working Baltimore that night.

JackDempsey1 October 28, 2010 at 1:38 pm

A line-up like this is likely to incite rabble-rousing.
Who's in charge of crowd stomping?

MISTAHCOUGHDROP October 28, 2010 at 1:47 pm

Psst…Glen Beck reads Wonkette, you betcha.

chicken_thief October 28, 2010 at 2:33 pm

You'd think, that he is going blind and dying or whatever, he'd spend his time with family and working on the Bucket List.

chicken_thief October 28, 2010 at 2:35 pm

You'd think that since he is going blind and dying or whatever, he'd spend his time with family and working on the Bucket List.

prommie October 28, 2010 at 1:57 pm

Im'a be there, yay! Yippee! I am still an old, though. I have never ever been to a rally, protest, march, or anything of such nature, ever, it took Jon Stewart to get me out. Though I did go to a lecture given by Abbie Hoffman once, that was cool.

What was that Doobie Brothers song. "Yammo be there?"

north_of_moscow October 28, 2010 at 1:58 pm

Crossing my fingers for Neal Hamburger.

thecryingeagle October 28, 2010 at 3:13 pm

I want Victoria Jackson or Dennis Miller!

LionelHutzEsq October 28, 2010 at 3:55 pm

They said a "comedian."

PhilippePetain October 28, 2010 at 2:08 pm

The show kicks off with the national anthem by musical guest, Klaus Nomi.

Whatever October 28, 2010 at 2:20 pm

WHAT!!!! 1300 (1PM losers) for the anthem (what?)? But DCValleyGirl told me it started at 1200 (Noon) and she/he is NEVER wrong about ANYTHING.

Glad I planned to leave about 9 to be there early for picture taking…
Now I know I have a 4 hour and 5 minute wait for the main attraction.
If you see me try not to throw things that are too hard.

Whatever October 28, 2010 at 2:28 pm

Me too, there for a sec I thought I needed an obesity scooter.
Wow, close one.

fuflans October 28, 2010 at 2:29 pm

i don't know. '200,000' is a lot of northface jackets, organic microbrews and copies of 'dress your family in corduroy and denim'.

could get old pretty fast.

PublicLuxury October 28, 2010 at 2:33 pm

Young is defined by the republithugs as anyone wearing a diaper. Which spans from baby-ness to bed wetter stage to the Poise leaker stage to the Depends stage. The Depends stage is their voting bloc. This is proven by David Vitter and all the "Ooops I shit my pants" ads that are targeted toward the GOP's base. There is really only a small window when the republiscum are considered mature and sensible.

Hello ! October 28, 2010 at 4:41 pm

That window is so small that none of them can get through it.

sezme October 28, 2010 at 2:37 pm

Wait, you tricked me into clicking a Wonkabout link? Clever, Layne, clever.

thecryingeagle October 28, 2010 at 3:19 pm

Should we come up with some kind of wonketteer symbol for our signs so the stompers can recognize and subdue us?

finallyhappy October 28, 2010 at 3:36 pm

yeah but he is from Silver Spring and maybe he stilll has family here.

CrankyLttlCamperette October 28, 2010 at 4:26 pm

Last I heard he still has his mom & dad and yes, they are still in the area.

mrblifil October 28, 2010 at 4:15 pm

I look forward to much nudity in the mud.

BarryOPotter October 29, 2010 at 9:53 am

Hirsute hippy chicks freestyle-gyrating in harmony with Gaia leads to one thing: SCORE!

BeWoot October 28, 2010 at 8:23 pm

Rarely am I jealous of you East Coast Liberal types–or even of honest Western Progressives with the wherewithal to buy airplane tickets … but I am green with envy (that's right: it's envy not the botulism; that's all gone now. thanks).

Idosowanna be there among the turgid blooms of America's youth. Fuck you, kids. You go on and have a good time.

Dookas October 28, 2010 at 9:40 pm

This is sounding pretty weak I'd be pissed if I bought a flight from CA for this, at least I only have to walk 3 blocks…

Don Novello…c'mon, at least Glenn Beck gets Victoria Jackson

mrblifil October 29, 2010 at 1:19 pm

Seriously, what's next, a short film by Albert Brooks?

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BarryOPotter October 29, 2010 at 10:01 am

…at least Glenn Beck gets Victoria Jackson
Then he's the only one.

I can't get past the high-pitched, batshit crazy emanating from that ilinformed husk to even try to decipher its grunts and clicks. But hey, who am I to judge? Oh that's right, as an educated, East Coast liberal, I'm well within my rights it's my duty. I withdraw the question.

MISTAHCOUGHDROP October 28, 2010 at 1:50 pm

While I have no children of my own, the ones I sometimes babysit enjoy going out to bars with me and knocking back a few. I'm in France, after all, and you know we're all existentialists here who like to drown in our nothingness. That said, I'll be watching the Internets very carefully for live blogging of this event. I think Maureen Dowd is on the case, largely because she wants to do Colbert.

Serolf_Divad October 28, 2010 at 2:38 pm

LOL, my wife's worried that the baby sitter is letting the kids watch too much TV, and you're taking the ones you watch bar hopping!

Different cultre.

Sure do miss the time I spent in France, though. One day I'll go back to Annecy and joyfully forget the outside world exists for a while.

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